Original subtitles

Every year, one lucky school gets a new playground

built by the Philadelphia Eagles,

so I reached out and they had already picked their school.

I told them, "Fine, I'll reach out to the 76ers."

And I didn't get a response back,

so I did an Instagram call to action in the tone of a threatening plea

to sort of pressure them socially, and it worked.

-What's going on here? -The Sixers are building us a playground.

As in six guys, or the Philadelphia 76ers?

Oh. Don't be rude, Greg.

They said there's some deep bench players, which is why we don't recognize 'em.

-Uh-huh. And this is free? -Yes.

Well, actually, um, the way it works is we pay for it up front

and then they... they're going to reimburse us, uh, when it's finished.

It's a very interesting concept.

Sorry, who are you guys?

Hey, man. Be cool. I'm Dean Wade.

Nope, he's white. And what position could you possibly play?

A point guard.

It's possible. You've seen Jalen Brunson.

This looks kinda bad.

Maybe they're only efficient at basketball.

Maybe. Let's find out.

Dean, check up.

Shut it down.

The school year just started and I'm already getting scammed.

All right, guys, get outta here!

Yo, what's up?

I'm Tyrese Maxey. This is VJ. This is our new guy Jaylen.

We saw your Instagram post.

-Very effective. -More like threatening.

Hey, man, sorry we late, but we're here now.

Yeah, all right. Well, if you're the Sixers,

where's LeBron James?

This is gonna sound like a lie,

but he's actually running up the Rocky Steps right now.

He loves that movie.

Yeah, right. Get the hell out of here, you tall jerks.

Man, this one crazy as hell.

Really gotta start watching men's sports.

Thank you. Ooh!

Damn, it's hotter in here than it is outside.

I hope the gym isn't boiling during the development meeting.

You know it will be. I just hope the meeting goes fast.

I have a classroom to build.

This year I am theming my classroom.

So teachers on TikTok,

they're completely transforming their rooms.

I've seen magic themes, space themes... But me?

Get your raincoat, baby.

'Cause welcome to the jungle...

themed classroom.

I'm this way.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Mr. Assistant Principal.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, oh, oh. Uh...

-You got... You got it? You all right? -Yeah, I got it.

-It's good. You got... Go ahead. -Okay.

So last year I got bumped up to assistant principal

after Abbott was saved at the teachers' conference in Miami.

So I've been preparing all summer.

I took some continuing ed courses,

developed a rapport with Interim Superintendent Collins.

I even hired my own replacement,

so the first graders will be in excellent hands.

Janine says I'm flourishing.

I don't know about all that, but you know...

Blazay-blah.

Ah! We have two new teachers this year.

Mr. Eddie's replacement will be here on the first day of school,

and second grade teacher Elsa Hardaway will be joining us

from newly shut-down Bates Academy.

-Hey, what room is she taking? -The first floor classroom, your old room.

It won't be a swing space anymore, people.

Oh, crap. I wanna get my old room back.

My ankles and those stairs go together like oil and vinegar.

Good for a side salad, but not the main course,

-you know what I mean? -Uh-huh.

Next, we have...

Oh! What the hell happened to you?

-Barb! -I'm fine. I-I'm fine.

Barb, your phone is cracked and your... your hair...

Hate to interrupt you, Barb, but the Neighborhoods app says,

"Black woman in purple sweater collided with a car

in front of Abbott Elementary."

-Melissa, you okay? -Barb, you got hit by a car?

Are you okay? Do we need to get you to the hospital?

-Yeah. -No, no, I'm fine.

While it is true that I was mowed down by a motor vehicle,

the good Lord protected me from serious bodily harm.

I mean, could an injured person do this?

Oh, yes, a car and I made unplanned contact this morning.

Now, normally there are two sides to every story,

but in this case there are not, so drop it.

Okay, wait, wait...

-Did you exchange information? -How did this happen?

-Do we need to call the police? -None of that matters.

What really matters is...

none of this would have happened

if-if we had that crossing guard back on the corner.

Yeah, what happened to that crossing guard, by the way?

Same as all the rest of 'em. Crossed to the other side.

Barbara, as assistant principal, I think that crossing guard is an excellent idea

and our office will get right on it.

Uh, no, it will not. Somebody else can do it.

51st District Board of School Commissioners liaison representative

at your service.

Barbara, I'm excited to work with you on this.

Oh, okay, so if we're all done being run over by cars,

remember to finish your room tonight.

I know some of you use the first day so that the kids will do it for you,

but the district's been getting on us about child labor practices again,

so stay as long as you need.

Uh, nope, we get paid for an eight-hour development day.

One minute past that, and the union will demand overtime.

What?

-I am a union representative now. -Ah!

This sucks.

Yeah, and you can't curse at us.

-I hate unions. -Okay, great meeting, everybody.

I was really pissed after what the district pulled in Miami,

and then I remembered the Teachers Union.

So I went to a few meetings, quickly became a rep.

Call me Jimmy Hoffa.

Hey. So I've been thinking about this crossing guard situation.

Well, stop.

That's a little traffic humor for your obsessed ass.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Hey, Ava, my classroom that you gave to Ms. Hardaway,

I'd like that to be mine again now.

Perfect example. Watch this, Gregory.

Melissa, handle it on your own.

Great.

No... I'm genuinely concerned what "handle it on your own" means to that woman.

We're administrators.

Our energy is best spent focusing on the bigger picture,

like cooling this place down.

I'm working on getting portable AC units.

Okay, well, I would love to help with that.

Perfect, because I'll need you.

To get my coffee, so I have the energy to put a bow on Project Sweeney Todd.

What?

Later today, Superintendent Collins's barbershop will be swatted,

forcing him to miss his weekly shape and shave,

something he hasn't done in decades.

And that's when he'll notice a flyer for another shop.

One owned by my father, who so desperately wants to get back in my life.

And then, when the superintendent is leaned back over the bowl

with a razor to his neck, I'll appear and ask for the ACs.

Or we could just call him.

Oh.

You think you could do this job better than me, huh?

Somebody decides to propose to Strawberry Shortcake's Black friend,

-and now he thinks he can do everything. -Hey, hey! Shh! Who...

How the hell did you know I was proposing to Janine?

Gregory, did you think when you were talking to O'Shon

you were talking to your man? 'Cause he's not.

He's my man.

And we don't keep secrets. Secrets keep us.

Okay, I have mapped out the crosswalk in question

where the crime of the century took place.

Let's go over the accident and figure out where to place our new crossing guard.

Okay. Well, the driver was making a right-hand turn

without looking where he was going, and, uh, mowed me down.

Oh!

Hey, you must be the new second grade teacher.

I'm Melissa Schemmenti and you must be Elsa?

It's Ms. Hardaway.

Uh, Ms. Hardaway, I got a little proposition for you:

your classroom for mine.

'Cause, trust me, you're gonna want to be on a higher floor

when we get the next flood at Abbott.

Thank you for that offer, but no, thank you.

I'm not gonna be taking a bunch of second graders upstairs.

Oh. Yeah, okay, you're not aware of the hierarchy around here.

See, I'm the union rep.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, yeah, she's a tough cookie.

But I'm a cold glass of milk.

Ugh, I've been on hold for the district for an hour.

Do you have any contacts that...

-Are those misters? -Yep.

Took me all morning to hook 'em up to the water line.

How good is that?

You didn't tell me you were gonna have misters,

and these vines are covering the smoke alarms.

-Is that a fire pit? -Yeah.

I'm not gonna light it. During the day.

I was able to look the other way as a teacher,

but as assistant principal, I legally can't.

You've got to take this stuff out of here.

Uh...

Come on, give me special treatment.

No.

They're not taking your call, are they?

Maybe I'll just go down to the district instead.

-They can't put me on hold in person. -Well, I'm coming with you.

I don't need you messing up my Sweeney plan.

A fire pit? S'mores when we get back?

-Yes. -No.

Ooh!

Janine, what in the world are you doing?

Well, I am giving my classroom the ultimate makeover.

All the cool teachers are doing it.

Barb, you haven't seen this on your phone?

I have not, but have you heard this song on your phone?

♪ I am a strong, Black Incredible, sensational woman ♪

Barb... Barb, Barb, Barb.

That song is AI.

Yes, it is. Absolutely incredible.

Anyway, decorating a room should be easy.

I just get my Lakeshore rug and call it a day.

Yeah, I mean, this ain't TikTok.

We're just Philly public school teachers trying to get through the day.

This all feels just a little unnecessary. No?

Can I help you two?

I'm just down here trying to get my classroom back from Ms. Hardaway,

who's gonna learn the Hardaway not to mess with me.

Barb, Barb, uh, we have a volunteer ready to interview.

Huh! Looks good.

You're gonna have to remove the dinosaurs.

It's historically inaccurate. Doesn't make any sense.

It's gonna mess them up before they get to me.

Barbara, uh, shall we?

Hey, girl, how's your mom?

Okay, Glasses?

Now, why didn't I see you in church last week?

Just kidding, 'cause I didn't go.

No one here likes you.

Ava, I'm gonna have to write you up.

For killing it in that dress. You look great.

Oh.

Still busy slobbing down your coworkers?

Hmm. He's assistant principal now.

Oh, so not coworkers.

That's a power imbalance, right?

I'll set an appointment. Da-da-da-da!

Hi, uh, we're here to see Superintendent Collins.

He's very busy.

Okay, well, we'll just wait then.

See, this is what superintendents do.

Let's go. My dad told me he needs some sharper razors.

I think we might have a chance.

Ugh! You sound like a loser on prom night.

No one's coming to surprise you, Gregory. Take your little suit off.

So, Abdul, where do you see yourself in five years?

Depends. If my cousin and my business idea work out, then I...

Abdul, can you hold a stop sign?

-Of course. -Great. That ought to do it.

Hold on, now, hold on. Um...

-Actually, yeah, that ought to do it. -Mmm.

-Any questions for us? -Yeah.

How much discretion do I have?

Like, should I bust out my good friend Sarah McGlocklan

-if someone drives too fast, or... -Well, that...

-That's very clever, but no, no. -No.

Okay.

Can you assure us that if someone were looking down at their phone

while crossing the street,

that they would not get hit by a motorized vehicle?

-Easy. -Down at their phone?

Mm-hmm.

-Abdul, congratulations, you're hired. -Yes!

-Uh, hello. -Hey, how you doing?

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

This is my classroom.

Uh, Ms. Hardaway, girl, are you okay?

You gave me this classroom back, don't you...

Listen, I know.

Memory lapses are a common side effect of perimenopause.

-It's nothing to be ashamed of. -Hey!

I didn't give you this classroom.

Mm-mmm.

And my memory is pristine.

And my periods are so regular

that my doctor basically begged me to become a surrogate for hire.

So that is my chair.

You're gonna regret this.

Extortion doesn't work without a little information.

I got nothing on this broad.

Important announcement. Y'all out of ink. Give it up, Gregory.

There's one way, and one way only,

to get the superintendent's undivided attention.

You know what? I'ma just knock.

Like, it's harder to say no to people in person.

Uh, not true. I say no to everybody all the time, and I enjoy it.

Actually, he's not in there.

Then where is he?

He's at the golf course. I thought you guys would have left by now.

See?

-Well, I guess it's tee time. -Tea time?

Okay, well, Dia has a surgery.

-She says it's elective, but I don't... -Just come on.

The classroom is coming along.

Um, it's been a lot of work.

Those TikTok teachers really made it look easy.

Not everyone gets it, but it's not for the adults.

It's for the kids, who will treasure it.

Mmm.

-Sorry. Mrs. Lyons? -Yes, Ms. Teagues.

-Hi, it's so nice to meet you. -Yes. Nice to meet you.

So I brought all the information regarding Georgia's allergy restrictions.

Yes. Thank you. Fantastic. I will definitely look these over later.

-I promise, um, yeah. -Okay.

Working on the classroom.

-Oh! Yeah, wow, this is so nice. -Thank you.

But just a warning, Georgia is a little Tasmanian devil.

I don't know if all of this will last more than a day.

Kids just yank stuff down.

Yeah. It'll be fun, though.

Um... It has been a lot of work.

-I'm, like, exhausted. -Oh. Well, don't stress yourself.

I heard you're an excellent teacher,

so you just teaching these kids will be enough.

Oh.

Do you need help?

-No, I got it. Thanks. -Okay.

-I'll see you soon. -Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

-You, hold it. Right. -Yeah.

There you are.

Can we help you?

This morning, that lady cracked my headlight.

You're the maniac motorist? Citizen's arrest!

-Abdul, let's hear Sarah McLachlan sing... -I've been waiting my whole life.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Sir, maybe we can go somewhere

and talk about what happened.

What is there to talk about?

You were watching your phone, not paying attention.

I rolled down my window to get her to pay attention.

What did you do? You kept walking, bashed into my car.

-Oh. Is this true? -Of course not.

Oh, snap, someone uploaded the video on Neighborhoods.

Oh, damn!

Ooh, okay.

I lied.

I just didn't wanna start this year off on a foolish foot,

especially not in front of all the other teachers.

Well, as a man humiliated before his peers on the daily, I understand.

-Thank you. -Damn, you smashed into his car!

Oh. I wanna see.

Oh, my God.

Whoa! Oh!

Help, help! Is anybody out there?

-Ah! Oh, Mr. Johnson. -What are you doing?

And why did you knock over the trash can?

I-I'm trying to take down my classroom decor.

-Why? This is incredible. -Yeah, but it's just...

It's just taking a lot of effort, and it's really silly.

Taxes are silly.

This is beautiful. I can feel my mind expanding already.

Thanks.

If I had a classroom like this growing up, I could have probably been president.

Or better yet, the highest-paid janitor in the world.

The kids are never gonna forget this.

-Catch you later. -Bye.

No, wait, wait, Mr. Johnson!

Hold that thought, Judd. Let me just, uh...

Working hard, you silly son of a...

-Ava. -I was gonna say bitch.

We were at your office. I tried to call but couldn't get through.

Your secretary told us that you were here.

So are you here embezzling or cheating?

It's always one or the other with you suits.

What? No. This is Judd Allen.

He develops vacant properties in Philadelphia.

This is actually a meeting to discuss how to replace two schools that shut down.

Uh... That's cute.

Look, we're sorry for interrupting,

but we just need ten new portable AC units.

The old ones that we had are broken,

and it doesn't seem like an emergency, but...

It is one because it's just way too hot out here.

And we would have gotten them on our own, but it's...

No, no, no, going through the district is definitely the right call.

Way to show initiative, Mr. Eddie.

Now, we'll get that done for you.

Do you mind if I get back to my meeting?

Oh... So you're just gonna give us the ACs because he, what, aksed?

Yeah, it seems like a pretty straightforward request.

Uh... And what if we had held you hostage, would you have said yes then?

Uh...

I wanna say no to that.

Remember to keep your left arm straight on the back swing.

-Thanks. -Any other big things we need to handle?

Oh, my God, my barber just got swatted.

Wait, wait, wait, Ms. Hardaway, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, honesty time, full disclosure,

I tripped and hurt my ankle real bad like two years ago,

and those stairs are killing me.

Please, for the love of God, have mercy and let me have my old classroom back.

Not my ankle, not my stairs, not my problem.

Were you looking at Morton?

Morton? Is that his name?

You like Morton?

He's... very handsome.

What in...

Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, I get it. -Mm-hmm.

You know what?

His classroom is right across from mine upstairs, and he walks by all the time.

-Whoo! -We have air.

-Yes! -Once we get the hose and everything...

Yeah. You did it. Take a bow, take a bow.

Is Gregory really better at this than I am?

Damn.

Is it too late for me to join the WNBA?

I don't hoop, but my tunnel fits would break the Internet.

Hey, don't... don't look at the other cars. Look at me.

I'll tell you when to go.

All right, now go.

One thing I'ma do is protect these kids!

Hey, stop, stop.

You stop when you see this strong, Black, incredible,

sensational woman on her phone!

How you doing, Mrs. Howard? I like that color on you.

-Thank you. -All right. Kids, watch me.

Barbara, didn't you learn anything? For Pete's sake, at least look up.

Don't have to. Crossing guard.

Well, where's that new teacher you hired?

I don't know.

He said he would have to miss Development Day,

but that he'd be here today. He...

He emailed me.

Let me see that.

What?

That's ChatGPT.

No, no, this is a real person.

I interviewed them on Zoom, and I recorded the interview for safety.

Yeah, see?

Well, first of all, look at that head shape.

Who got a head shape like that?

Um... Whatever.

The plant just moved! Look at that warped background.

Look how he's pausing so the computer can figure out what you said.

Ugh! You interviewed a deepfake!

What would anybody gain by doing this?

Welcome to 2026, Gregory. You're old, dumb and swagless.

O-Okay, um, I'll just teach the class until we get somebody else.

Perfect. Have a great first day, assistant principal.

They said I was washed, that my reign was over,

that I'll never make it back to the top of the charts, but guess what?

Abbott don't Elementary without me.

It's gonna be the best year yet.

Welcome in, class.

Wow, it's a jungle in here.

It is.

This is the coolest thing ever.

Oh, wow.

Yes. Go ahead, sorry.

It's good.

All right, guys, do me a favor, find a seat.

Welcome to second grade. How are we doing?

It's okay.

Anything can happen in the jungle, right, guys?

Go ahead, find a friend, get a seat. Let's get started.