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I've always had a strong relationship with God.

I know a lot of people say that, but it's true.

Hello?

Hold on. It's for you.

It's God.

Are you watching this?

I know. Montana's such a bitch.

They're gonna fire her ass?

How do I know? It's a repeat.

You're not the only one that's all-knowing.

No. What? The thing is, about God, he has the best gossip.

Tell me!

Get out! What? What is it?

I can't tell you.

Uh-huh.

Well, I... Hello, don't...

Well, I see two very, very...

We talk every day. Usually three or four times.

Honestly, we keep it kind of light.

Because running the universe is a huge ordeal.

There you go. I'm an assistant manager at Jamba Juice, which is its own drama,

let me tell you.

Um, we're out of bananas?

Do I look like a monkey?

Nothing.

Mostly, we keep each other's spirits up.

Because each day is like a little war, you know?

Not bad.

Sorry. Hi. Sorry.

He's really easy to talk to and way more tolerant than people would guess.

Like the whole gay thing, Adam, Eve.

He made the parts to go a certain way, but it's your Lego.

Make your own fun.

Or adultery. Bad idea.

Mortal sin? Not so much.

However, he is surprisingly hardcore about pork.

Go figure.

Long story short, we're best friends.

Or at least we were.

Like every relationship, you hit your rough patches.

I said he's gonna be down in your bottom drawer.

No, he didn't. He didn't say that.

I said it.

You have 44 messages.

Oh.

Hello?

Hi.

Did you call me 44 times?

Uh-huh.

I was at a party.

With Gavin.

A party with actual physical people.

They could see each other and not just talk on the phone.

I know I said I'd call you later, but it's 3 a.m.

Uh-huh.

It's not like you didn't know where I was.

Jesus, you're like a stalker with superpowers.

Don't give me that "in vain" crap.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

No.

I will not apologize.

What is your problem?

Bullshit! You are not the master of me!

Has this ever happened to you?

You just did the dumbest-ass thing,

but you're so angry, you're glad you did it anyway?

I mean, God-schmod. A girl needs her space.

It's not my problem the saints were giving him grief.

Besides, it's not like either one of us was that upset.

By tomorrow, it would all blow over.

You forget God can get really petty.

I mean, Lot's wife? He turned her into a pillar of salt.

There's a problem with the money.

What?

I was determined to ride it out.

I mean, what? Did he think he could bully me into apologizing?

Hello? Dysfunctional agenda?

It was clear I had to take action.

But first, I needed an ally.

Good evening, Hell.

The devil, please. It's Margaret O'Reilly.

One moment.

♪ "Walking on Sunshine" playing ♪

Now, first off, the devil has some serious rage issues,

and I can't condone most of what he's done.

But the more we talked, it turned out we shared a common place of anger.

I've heard stories. Like, he and God used to be total buds.

But one day, Lucifer asked for just a little more equity, and wham,

he is thrown out of Heaven, ass-first.

Anyway, he said God was dicking with me because he felt betrayed by someone he loved.

The trick was to get him to stop caring.

I had to make myself unredeemable.

Yeah, can I do that?

The devil had lots of good ideas.

I mean, it's his job.

We started with the basics, the Ten Commandments.

Stealing.

Coveting.

Worshipping false idols.

I decided to forge into new territory, things that weren't written down,

but were just clearly wrong.

The devil was really pushing for murder, and he had a point.

I know in general it's wrong to kill somebody,

but what if it's somebody who really deserves to die?

Like that Serbian general, or the Unabomber, or my stepfather?

That's more of a side issue.

But then it came to me, the perfect solution.

The evil white meat.

It's weird. As angry as I was, suddenly,

all I could think of was the good times.

The kicks and giggles.

Was it possible, even after what he'd done, I actually missed him?

Hello?

Hello?

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

You know what? When I opened it up, I was like,

this feels so wrong.

I know. I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.

Exact same thing. We talked for like four hours,

and we both admitted we made mistakes.

Well, he didn't really admit any,

but then there's that whole infallibility thing.

So you let that slide.

I was upset.

You too? Is that funny?

Anyway, the important thing is, we moved on.

And now, our friendship is stronger than ever.

Where?

I don't...

That one? That looks nothing like a horse.

Okay, well, now it does.

So that's basically the story.

Hidey-hi. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Great.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Sorry, gotta motor.

I have to kill the president.

I'm kidding!

♪ "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves ♪