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the paralegal.

Which paralegal?

The one at the beach.

Herb's son-in-law?

No, no, he's an idiot. Okay, look, I'm not ready yet.

How could you not be ready? You'll be divorced in a month. All right. Shush.

So, Danny, I hear you're selling trees now.

Yeah. For the prom. He's in charge of the whole thing.

Oh, yeah?

Who are you taking?

What? You got a cute girlfriend?

Uh... Friend.

Yeah, Jessica. A friend you're dating?

No, well, she's, um...

Been my friend for a long time. Not dating?

Not a date. Okay, leave him alone. He's working on it.

Because that's a big night. I lost my virginity that night.

Yeah, well, I got a couple options.

Sokolov?

Too tall for you. Like, big bird tall.

Saperstein?

With a long chin.

What about Richter? I'd go with Richter.

Nah, she's taken. Who?

Bart. Yeah, right.

Seriously. Yeah, she's going with him.

Like, wait. Yeah, she agreed to it. With Bart?

Yep. Bart Bieber?

It's probably just a sympathy thing.

Yeah, but I mean, that's like... Dude, just forget it. What about that

sophomore you drive to school?

Alice. Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking her.

She's a cheerleader.

So she's limber.

She's cute, yeah.

That's a way to save face, you know.

I mean, we talk every day in the car, so... Because you know what it comes

down to?

The photo at the end of the night.

That's your proof.

And what do I do about Camille? What if she asks?

Yeah, because, you know, I mean, we've been friends for, I don't know, like

eight, maybe nine years. Dude, what other evening in your whole life is as

big? Maybe your wedding night, but who cares about that? Odds are you're

getting divorced anyway.

So what are you saying? Are you here burning up in this humid, lizard-y

bullshit to die?

Or are you here?

I'm sure you don't want to come in because, you know, I could probably get

you in.

No, it's fine.

I'll just hang out.

Okay, well, you know, just be a few more minutes.

Okay.

Gertie, a night to remember?

Except, and here's the catch, with a K for a medieval theme?

Yeah.

But with a K.

Kurt, do you got anything?

Putting on the Ritz.

Putting on the Ritz. I like that, because it's simple.

Gertie, we didn't vote yet.

What do you think?

This moment?

Forever.

So, um, do you know who you're taking yet?

Oh, you know, I'm just kind of waiting to see, you know.

Just not with Camille, or... No, no, no, I...

I've got a couple options I'm working on, you know.

Well, there's this one girl I... Uh, uh, uh, I don't think you know her. She's,

um, well... Um, just, you know, kind of waiting for the right time to, uh...

I mean, do you not like Camille?

No.

She's your platonic.

Look, this thing's about romance, you know? I mean, you dress up... Give her a

flower, slow dance. Well, yeah, you know, I guess that's why I'm just trying

to wait to ask this one girl.

I mean, personally, I think it would be so cool to go.

Like, with anyone, or just... Well, I mean, definitely not with a high-five

friend, no.

Oh, no, yeah, right, yeah.

You know, I was telling Rhoda why so many seniors are losers and why you're

not. First off, you are definitely more than a high-five friend, you know?

And you don't condescend to me.

This...

naive little sophomore that you take home. Well, yeah, you know, seniors can

be... I've been thinking about it, and the way I see it, you're kind of like

your car, you know? I mean, seriously.

Your car isn't fancy, but, you know, it's not ghetto. And you're not a BMW,

you're not a Mercedes, but you're not a Chevy Metro either.

It's just this reliable old Buick.

It doesn't need a lot of attention.

It's not like some marching machine that has to flaunt all of its features or

something. It's just...

There.

It's cozy.

I mean, could you imagine Friedman driving this thing?

Or Buchwald?

Don't you think that's true?

Don't you think your car totally represents who you are in every facet?

You know, I feel kind of weird because you were talking about how I'm like my

car and now like... No, Danny, that doesn't apply now.

It's like if you bumped your arm or something.

It doesn't affect your personality when you bump your arm.

Don't worry about it.

What? No, I just want to tone on. Look, I want to hear this. Well, okay, so...

Both times I spoke on the phone to her, she said she doesn't date over 40.

I'm 52.

So, I lied. I said I was 39. But, I mean... That's okay. I mean,

yeah, you look that anyway.

Yeah.

Okay. Because Danny's got that also.

We both have that boyish face.

Okay.

Yeah. Danny definitely has that.

No, forget it. I finally saw it with my own eyes.

You would not believe the signs this girl was giving him.

I've never seen anything like it. It was uncanny. How many signs she was giving

him? Dad, she's a tease.

You don't know. His problem is he's so insecure, he's blind.

Didn't you see the way she put her arm on your shoulder like this all the time?

Like this? And what's with the lips? Every time she's looking at him, she's

licking her lips. All right, whatever. I'll ask her.

What a person does with their... body when they're looking at you like if

she's looking at you and she opens up her body to you or uh twirls her hair or

moves her tongue or trust me on this this girl likes you i'm telling you she

kissed you she probably just wants to go as a sophomore she's using me even if

she did who cares you're gonna have a great picture i don't know what he's

worried about he's got so much going for him he's vice president of his class

first chair in the trumpet, not to mention Honor Society.

He came in third place at the Optimist Oratorical Contest last year.

Mm-hmm.

Honey, did you want to meet Bob now?

Uh, just give me a second.

Well, he's here, and he's anxious to meet you. I heard you're a real scholar.

I told him about your award.

I heard you're great on the trumpet.

All right, just, uh...

Just give me a second.

I'll get that.

Hey. It's not that big a deal. Just here.

Whatever. What is it? Hi, Camille. Hi. How are you?

Wow, who is this?

Uh, Camille, this is Bob.

Any friend of Danny's is a friend of mine.

Sincerely, I mean that.

Well, I gotta run, so... Oh, well, get my... It's all up to your family.

Okay.

Hello, this is Beth.

She's a doll, that Camille.

And you're gonna continue, right?

Yeah, just, uh... Oh,

shit.

Danny. I have a feeling you and I are thinking the same thing here.

So I'm just going to come out and say it.

If you think back on how much we've shared together since we were little

kids, it almost seems funny that we've avoided the inevitable up until now.

Maybe you have other plans, and if you do, I'll cut you some slack.

The bottom line is...

You're my best friend no matter what.

And I think it would be so much fun if we went together to the prom.

Danny! Hi, honey!

How are you?

Who's that, Danny?

It's Danny, honey!

Hey, Danny.

How's it going?

You eat dinner yet, Danny?

I think my mom made me a tuna sandwich.

What in the...

No, when's the last time you had a whole family dinner?

Huh?

What? Why is that rude?

You know Mr. Wiener?

Mr. Wiener? Sweet guy. Little boy.

I'm going to introduce your mother to him.

Oh, yeah? Honey, wait.

Are you talking about that crook Wiener? No, he's not good for Beth. You don't

think Wiener's good for Beth?

You finally got some sun in your cheeks.

You look good.

Because, you know, you looked a little pale the last time you were here.

How's your father?

Oh, ah, how's he doing? He settled in yet?

Uh, yeah, well, you know, he just got that place on the beach, so... Hmm,

Rashbaum showed him that property.

Oh, yeah, right, right, on Dania Beach.

Hmm, nice place.

Simple.

So when's he moving in?

Uh, I think he's moving in in like a week.

He's a good egg, your father.

Hey, Danny.

Do you want to see Camille's dress?

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's bad luck.

Forget it, Mom.

He's going to see it later anyway. Show him the dress. Should I show him the

dress? Mom!

What, you don't want me to show him the dress?

It's a beautiful, beautiful dress.

It's beautiful.

My parents aren't talking to each other at all now. It's like now I'm in the

middle of their debates about, you know, money or it's just...

We should try to get in the same dorm next year.

Look, Danny, just... What?

You know what, I mean... Because, like, you're one of my best friends, you know,

and I don't want to... No, I know, I just thought because it's in a few

weeks, so, you know, and you don't have a confirmed date yet.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God.

What? You are disgusting!

What? He's like a brother. Get out!

No, you shut up, you nerdy bitch. What's going on? She's such a little slut.

She's always trying to flirt with my friends. Oh, shut up, you geek. You wish

you can flirt with my friends.

Whatever, okay? Whatever.

What is the problem?

He's taking Alice Stryer, this random sophomore he takes to school. Random

sophomore? It's just I've been building up this relationship for a while now,

and I've been waiting to ask her. I mean, she's like, I don't know, she's

like really the only person I'm thinking about. Seriously.

Honestly, I mean, my mind is totally set on her.

But you and Camille are best friends.

I mean, that's what this is all about. It's the culmination of your high school

memories. I mean, who better to share that with than your best friend?

Mom, I don't care, you know? He's taking someone else.

I won't go.

You're not going? What do you mean you won't go?

What's going on?

She's not going.

I don't know. He was taking... Britney.

It's silly.

I mean, you and Camille have known each other for eight years.

What could this girl possibly offer that Camille couldn't?

You know, I thought about it.

I think it could be a lot of fun.

And, you know, I know it's totally last second. And if you need help with a

dress or something, I could help you pay for it.

Because, you know, I already got the tickets and the... Danny, um... Did you

think that we were, like, romantically... No, I don't know.

Some... Some signs, maybe.

Signs?

What signs?

Well, you know, I guess, you know, like now here, you know, with the ice cream.

Wait, the ice cream?

What? You weren't just looking at me, you know, and licking the ice cream and

like... Yeah, Danny, I was looking at you and I was licking my ice cream.

This is how I eat my ice cream. I mean, how do you eat your ice cream?

Last week, you kissed me. I mean, you know... Yeah, you're a big brother to

me. You take me to school, you're my carpool.

Well, you said you wanted to go. I mean, I thought you were, you know... Yeah,

but not... I don't understand. I mean, you can't go with a friend.

This is just so weird.

This is like the total Twilight Zone.

Danny, I just can't believe that you thought that.

That is just so deranged.

How was she licking?

Because if she was showing her tongue but not looking at it... No, no, Dad.

She was looking at me.

She doesn't have that wandering eye thing, because, you know, that can be

tricky. Dad, Dad, she doesn't have that.

Well, what about the feet?

No, just hear me out, because the feet can cancel all other signs. Like if her

toes are pointed toward the door, that cancels all other signs.

Dad, I wasn't watching her toes, all right?

Look, she could have been doing that in the car ride, because, you know, I

couldn't see her feet.

Also... She buckled her seatbelt at one point, so that could have been like a

guarded gesture.

Thank you.

Whoops. I think he has to go to the bathroom here.

Oh.

Sure. Of course.

All right, just a quick side note here.

What do you think?

Dad, I don't know, all right?

I'm not gonna lie to you, this baby thing is a major pain in the ass, but

attractive, intelligent, fun, and she's got a nice behind on her.

I mean, what do you think? You're an ass man.

Dad. What? It's weird.

What's weird?

It's weird advising my dad on his girlfriend's ass.

It's not natural. I got my own crisis here.

Danny, it's the times.

Okay?

Everybody's going through this.

I mean, most kids are advising their parents these days.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the

republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with

liberty and justice for all.

Will everyone please be seated?

Want to remember your prom night forever?

You can, by capturing that perfect moment with a prom photo.

Pre-order your photos from the hours of 12 and 1.

Congratulations are in honor to Dawn Dwiggins for being crowned this year's

prom queen.

Varsity cheerleader, Dawn exemplifies true school spirit and gives her time

generously to help with the key club and the geriatric society.

Kaplan. Who do we know at Nova?

Klinger. Bet there'd be someone at Nova.

Who? I'm thinking.

Koch.

Wait a minute. Kushner. I got it.

Danny, you so owe me.

But there's no one cute. No.

Dude. Am I right?

You remember that boyfriend of hers? Was he anything?

Hey, Marcy, what's up?

You did?

You horn dog.

We have to click, though, right? No, he didn't.

Well, anyway, we got a new guy for you. Yeah, Craig's friend.

He just broke it off with his girlfriend, so, you know, and he just

wants someone to go to the prom with. You know, someone who can totally party.

Yeah, he's blue eyes, tall.

Yeah, he's cute.

Like, quirky cute.

Yeah.

Yeah?

All right, so, you know, you'll just go in the limo with us, and we'll totally

pre-party.

Totally.

Yeah, I've been tanning for, like, three weeks now, so... Um, I'll find out what

time. Okay, yeah, no, just, he'll take you to dinner. Yeah.

Just call me afterwards, you know, if you want to back out so there's, like,

no pressure. See, okay, there's the fine print, right?

Okay, seven epidrenos.

I'll tell him to make reservations.

Yeah, seven sharp.

Okay, call me afterwards, all right?

All right, bye.

Score. You're going with Marcy.

Pine, dude. Wait a minute. She still has to see me.

You know, just look nice. Like, wear one of Craig's vests or something and just

be yourself.

Yeah, just be yourself.

Yeah, and whatever you do, don't be late.

Find us a place.

Not too cold. Of course.

Danny?

Was I not just asking about you? Hi, honey.

Hey, how are you? Who are you here with?

Uh, you know, I'm just, uh, just waiting for a friend, yeah. Oh, someone we know?

Uh, no, he's just, you know, kind of like, kind of like an old friend. Oh,

gee, look who's here. Valence. Oh, you're kidding.

Who's he with?

Hold on. I'll be right there.

Camille's supposed to meet us here. Camille? And I just want to talk to you

before she comes.

I should probably check outside. I just want you to know that you don't have to

worry about any sort of ego thing if you ask her now. She'll still go with you.

Like her sister was even asked to this thing. And it's just, the whole thing is

so humiliating for her. I'm just, I have, let me just go see if my friend's

there. I'll be right back.

Marcy? Oh, shit.

Danny! Camila, how's it going?

This is so weird.

Are you meeting her?

Yeah, I was just talking to your mother inside. I think she's waiting for you.

Who are you here with?

I'm meeting a friend.

Do I know him?

Uh, no.

No, he's just kind of like an old camp friend, you know?

Oh, yeah, like a camp counselor or something?

Yeah, uh...

Some dude... Was

your mom expecting you now, or...? She can wait.

Yeah, she can, but...

Oh, I was gonna ask you, what did you put for where hydroxide ion is highest

at? Uh, I think I skipped that one.

Why would you skip that one? You had like a 50-50 chance.

Uh, well, I don't know.

Because I put out a high pH number, so... Uh,

excuse me, do you guys have the time?

Um, yes.

It's ten after seven.

Son of a bitch.

Yikes.

Wait, what do you mean she won't? I was there.

Disrespectful. I was just going to be a few more minutes.

All right.

Okay, fine.

I got a room.

Maynard got one.

Sternberg.

Lipschitz? Lipschitz, yeah.

Buchwald. Buchwald. Buchwald.

Bart. No.

Wait, what?

Bart?

Yeah. Bart?

Why? Bart got a room?

Dude, get a room.

What's your problem? I mean, when you find your date, you're gonna want one at

least as a place to crash. To crash, yeah.

Believe me, you'll want a room.

The whole world's getting rooms.

Honey, you wanna skip a date from your tan and go to the zoo with Harry and me?

You hate the zoo.

I like it now.

I can't. The thing's in three weeks.

All right.

Just checking.

My mom's getting like that, too. Yeah.

Takes about a year to adjust. You know, basic family transition.

Babe, I'm thinking the limo should go to Stein's first.

How much is that gonna be now?

How much for the limo? A piece.

400, right? A piece?

400 for the six of us.

Six of us?

Well, if we can't get it, we won't do it. I mean, there's always getting

drunk. I mean, that's like 135 bucks, right? Well, do you want me to get it?

Because I can try and get it. And if we can't get it, we won't do it. Because

that's, I mean, dude. Yeah, Stein and his date's going to drink with us, too.

Yes.

Hun, Hun, Hun, I'm telling you, drinking is still good.

Your father should be doing this.

He's doing the tickets and the tux.

Oh, I'm sorry, but a room here and a limo is a lot more than a cheap tux and

two tickets.

Well, who says I'm getting a cheap tux?

Believe me, with your father, you're getting the cheapest.

Well, then can you talk to him?

I'm not talking to him.

How much can't you guys just work it out?

No, because, see, I'm going to be out, like, $330 for this thing, and he's out,

what, $200?

You need to tell your father he needs to take on the limo, too.

Seriously, because I can't. Mom, please.

He doesn't have it.

Truth is, you shouldn't be getting a hotel room. I never got a room.

Mom, wouldn't you rather know that I'm safe here than, you know, out on the

road afterward, driving around exhausted?

I thought that's why you have a limo.

Well, yeah, but I mean, it's still like we're out on the street. Look, Mom,

everyone is getting a room here at the Embassy Suite, so, right?

Sherman, Willans, it's not a big deal.

Well, it is when your father doesn't help.

Mom?

Bart got a room.

Bart got a room?

Hi, can I help you?

We need a room.

For the 15th. For the 15th, please.

Single? Double?

Single. Single?

Anyway... And Bob's coming over tomorrow.

He's taking us out for nice Italian, and then we're taking a walk on the beach.

The beach?

With Bob?

Honey, do you want your mom to have some financial stability in her life or not?

All right.

I'm going to be reading some of your journal entries, and I'm not going to

tell you who wrote them until the end, okay?

Lost in the ocean, the waves carry me free, the sea kelp caressing my

sensitive bosom.

Take my fragile floating nakedness to the warmest blues.

Make me blush with your splashes, your crashes, your flume, spume, your white

bubbly breath, your sensitive touches.

Fill my every essence and I shall shiver with ecstasy, splashing forever upon

your delicate face.

Debbie Yang.

Here's another one.

This great big silence, like an empty void, like as if nothing ever mattered,

like as if nobody ever cared.

Where could it go? The respect of two people who laughed all the time, who

were forever a team.

So unappreciated is the serenity before the fall, before the fierce winds of

doubt come to call.

Often I feel alone, split in two.

yearning for my family when my life is so new.

Danny Stein.

I

don't

understand.

After class, she asked you to dinner from a journal entry?

Well...

I asked her to study first.

And then she asked you to dinner?

Well, with her whole family, so I mean... I think she felt bad for me or

something. I don't really know.

That's amazing. You need my car?

Yeah, that'd be great.

And if you want to take her back here?

No, well, she invited me to her place, so, you know. Because, you know, I want

you to feel like this is your place.

Yeah, no, that's all right.

In fact, that's... I'm getting you an extra set of keys in case you ever want

to take a girl back here. Whatever.

That's why I got a whole separate room.

Well, the...

The walls are kind of thin, though, no?

Thin?

Well, I mean, you could probably hear everything in the other room.

No, no, no.

These are good walls.

Well, just because, you know, if you had a woman to it, it just could be kind of

weird. Well, if she were screaming, but I think it would be pretty quiet. Or,

you know, I could just take off. I could leave. No, you shouldn't have to leave.

Well, go in the other room and let's see, because I want you to come by a

lot. Wait, in the other room? Yeah, just close the door and make sounds like

you're with someone, and I'll sort of...

You did it? Yeah.

All right. No, I was talking. Do it again.

Ah.

And this time, do it at different levels.

Ah.

Like, start soft and then get... Start soft and then go up.

Well, I did it twice already.

At different levels?

Yeah.

All right, look.

I'm going to call out 1 to 10, and I'll get louder each time. My 1 will sound

like this.

All right?

Yeah. And you tell me what number you hear me at.

Just make sure your numbers are even, though, so it's like a control.

How do you mean?

Announce the numbers at an even volume.

Good.

All right.

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

One. Ooh.

Two.

Ooh.

Three.

Ooh.

Four. Oh, yeah.

Five. Oh, that's it. That's it.

Six. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't stop.

Seven. Oh, oh, my. Oh, oh, my.

Eight. Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Nine.

Well, I showed the house three times last week.

I know, things are a little slow, but I'm sure after the open house we're

going to have some buyers.

I know, so you just tell that adorable Maxie Poop.

I said, send my love. Okay.

All right. Bye, darling.

Hey, honey.

Hey, I can't have dinner with you tonight.

Why? What do you mean? It's Sunday. Japanese or Italian?

I can't. I'm having dinner and studying for a trig test with a classmate, okay?

Hi, Lola.

Which property?

Did you see these?

Third time this week he sent me e-roses.

I will see you at 3 o'clock, okay?

All right, bye.

Look, Mom, I gotta run, okay? We'll just take Dad's Wednesday next week.

Are you asking the study partner to the prom? Shh.

I guessed it's at night. Don't worry, I won't jinx it. Who is she? You don't

know her.

Do I know her family?

I'm pretty sure no.

This is your favorite fish head.

You guys eat more.

Today's dish is very delicious.

You guys eat more.

Dad, this is your favorite fish head.

Hubby.

What?

Hubby, didn't I tell you to eat more?

I don't understand.

Why is this boy here?

So, um... I'm not really good with these kind of things.

I, uh... You need a date for the prom.

How did... Yeah.

Yeah, I'll go with you.

You will? Are you serious? Really?

I had a feeling you were going to ask that.

I think we'd have a good time.

Totally. Totally.

Yeah. Yeah.

I... Do have to keep it a secret, though, since my parents would never

want me to go.

Oh, no, I totally understand, yeah.

You know, we could sneak you out or something.

And this really isn't a big deal, but I do kind of have this long-distance

relationship, so we couldn't get, like, intimate on the dance floor or anything.

No, right, yeah, of course.

Because that could always get back to him.

In case, you know, people might see that and tell him, yeah, on the dance floor.

And I wouldn't want to take any pictures because they could always get in the

wrong hands. I mean, if he saw that... Yeah, right, that's, uh... Well, um,

even if you, like, held the negatives and, um... And actually, in general, I

wouldn't want to be seen walking in together.

In fact, I'd rather not be seen walking around at all, just in case.

So, like, uh... But... I mean, we could always meet up afterwards at some post

-party in someone's room.

Because I think Bart got a room.

Danny.

You're my best friend, and I just think you would be so much fun if we went

together to the prom

Guess what's around the corner?

Prom the senior class is looking for suggestions for original party favors

past favors included candy baskets and pens Come to room 403 to cast your vote

There's romance in the air can you feel it?

Don't wait the night of prom to give your special someone a special treat.

Show her how much you really care with a spring gram.

The way I see it, I think this Camille can be your decoy to get other women.

What do you think about that?

Mom, I just saw a lizard in the house.

It's fine. They eat ants. It's fine.

Look. See? Look here.

Scott Cecil. He was nothing special.

Wow. You look different.

Your face. Okay.

Anyway, Camille's your best friend, so... Hey, hey, hey. I don't want to

forget the gift I got Danny. Hold on.

Why did he get me a gift? I think he's thinking about... Proposing? Shh.

Please. Don't... Thank you. What is

it? Go ahead and open it.

I figured you needed one, so... Oh, isn't that thoughtful?

Yeah, well, thank you.

I'll forget to save you some money. It'll save his father some money.

Okay, well, let's get going.

Bye, Danny.

Yeah, have a good time.

I ain't kidding.

I don't know if you had company or not.

No.

No, no, no, no.

What's up?

What if we're supposed to be happy with the middle ground?

Just like... What if... Now, hear me out on this.

What if we're supposed to find peace in a little boredom, you know?

I mean, maybe that's better than always having to search for something else.

I mean, really.

What's wrong with a little boredom?

Would you like some Cherry Garcia?

I've got that.

I've got Chubby Hubby. Dad, are you listening?

Because, like, what if, like, you know, you and Mom just stuck it out? I mean,

even if it was boring after a while, you guys would still be together, don't you

think? I'm giving you Chubby Hubby. It's got pretzels, all right? Yeah, but

seriously, what's the deal?

It's complex. There was nothing keeping us together.

Look, every kid wishes their parents get back together, but it's not realistic.

We've moved on.

Anyway, I decided I'm gonna ask Camille. You know, I figure we can always just

hang out and play boggle in the room after.

Boggle's good.

At least you get to go. I never win.

I mean, look, she's my best friend. I know at the very least we'll have fun.

Look, having a date is good.

Anyway, uh...

We don't have to pay for a bow tie now, so... How's that?

No, well... Bob got me one.

What?

This Bob guy got you a bow tie?

I'm getting you a bow tie, thank you very much.

Yeah, well, you know, he got me one, so, you know, now we don't have to get a

cheap one.

No, no, no, I'm getting you a very nice bow tie.

What, this Bob guy is your father all of a sudden?

Well, Mom thinks he might propose.

So I've got this new woman I'm excited about.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, we're compatible.

She's not at all materialistic. She's into camping, so... That's cool. Any

kids? Two kids, both married.

Yeah, so... I haven't, you know, I haven't actually seen her yet, but she

described herself to me, so, you know... Doesn't she sound nice?

Yeah. I haven't actually heard her yet.

This is on the internet.

Chat room?

Fast hyper?

Yeah, pretty fast.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah, I'll see her in a couple of nights.

So, you know, she may turn out to be hideous, but at this point, you know.

All right, here we go.

Good. Try it on.

Court reserved at noon.

Oh, what time is the limo coming?

Seven. Mrs. Goodson said she's going to keep Camille at the house until I get

there. It's going to be a big surprise.

I figure it at least keeps some sort of special... You know, I can't wait

anymore. I'm coming in.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look really sharp.

Oh, you look so handsome. Whoa!

Camille's going to be so impressed. Honey, why don't you go start the car

and I'll be out in one second. Hey, listen.

You have a good time.

Enjoy it. You deserve it.

Okay. Thank you.

I think he's going to propose tonight.

What? Are you serious?

Are you going to say yes?

Well, look, he's financially secure. He's got a big heart, and I'm 43.

45. 44.

And you hang it up so it doesn't wrinkle, and your corsage is in the

fridge. When are you picking up, Camille?

7.15. Oh, gosh.

Have an amazing time. She's your best friend. You're going to have fun, okay?

Have fun.

What's up, dude?

I was calling you. Your phone's off.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, I decided I'm just going to accept my fate. I mean, Camille and I,

we're going to have a good time. We will. You know, we'll get drunk. We'll

make fun of people. Good, clean fun. So, anyway, I'm thinking that when the limo

comes, I can swing by hers first and surprise her.

Yeah, we'll just, you know, come by and pick you and Abby up at 730, all right?

Well, you can't do that now.

What do you mean?

Oh, well, you can't go with her now.

I'm going with her now.

Yeah, right. You're going with Abby.

No, Abby can't go, so I asked Camille. What do you mean she can't go?

She's got these bad sun blisters.

Sun blisters?

Yeah, it hurts her to move.

So wait, I don't... You what?

Sorry, I didn't realize... Are you serious? You asked Camille?

You weren't going to go with her.

And besides, I happen to think she's attractive.

You know, in a quirky sort of way.

I'm sorry, dude. I didn't think you were going to ask her.

Well, what about the non-refundable deposit my mom put down on the limo?

Well, you know, we didn't talk about that for a while, so I just assumed you

canceled it.

I'm sorry.

All right, well, listen, dude, I got to get ready. This is a big night for me.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sorry, Danny, I didn't know.

So, like, you going with Craig now?

Yeah, he's gonna be by in like a half an hour.

We're going as friends, so... That's great, I mean... It's pretty much set,

huh?

I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm sorry. I've got like 600 bucks in this thing now, you know,

between the limo and the tux and the corsage and the tickets and all this

hotel room I got. You said you were going alone, and I was going to surprise

you. I mean, I wanted to.

Well, I mean, I've got a date now, so...

You said in your card you were going to wait.

Well, Danny...

Did you expect me to wait for you like some puppet?

Well, no, but I mean... Did you honestly think that if I was given the

opportunity, I wasn't going to take it?

Especially in response to your deceit?

Deceit? What are you talking about? No, I was honest with you from the

beginning. Bullshit, you were honest.

I mean, you told me you only had eyes for that stupid sophomore.

You just didn't want to go with me.

No, no, that's... No.

I actually wanted to go with you from the start.

Craig, he was brainwashing me. He was... God, you're in control of your own life.

Look.

I really have to go, okay?

I know.

Anyway, uh... You look really nice, and, um...

I guess... I mean... I just wish... I'm...

Sorry.

Minda, hey, it's Danny Stein. You remember me?

Uh, no, we met at that debate tournament, and you were making fun of

that coach, Miss Hoyts.

Yeah, yeah, you thought it'd be hilarious you named your kid Ash,

because then you'd have to go around saying, my Ash Hoyts.

Francine, hi. I was in the Phantom's Hope with you in the sixth grade. I

played the dodecahedron.

Hello? Jody, hey, yeah, it's your cousin Danny.

Yeah, hey, um, well, I was wondering what you were doing tonight.

Oh, you are? Um, what's Aunt Joy doing? Is she, uh... Oh, okay.

Well, um...

I gotta... I gotta go.

Some people say you look lovely.

Some say you need a chance in love.

Some of our chat sessions were just... I feel like we've had sex

already.

Yeah, well, pretty much.

Just once.

I'd like to live out the fantasies without a computer.

Like, personally.

I always wanted to lead a guy into the forest after a light drizzle, just rip

off each other's clothes, and you would be on top, and my bare body rubbing up

against the moist, slippery soil, and there would be, like, a layer of damp

leaves.

And as we hold each other tight, pumping away, back and forth, back and forth,

the leaves would be sticking all over my naked body.

You have a phone call.

Your phone is vibrating.

I'm sorry.

I really should take this. It's my son here. What's up?

Dad, I've been calling you for the last 15 minutes.

I'm in the middle of dinner.

No, I know. This woman is fantastic.

Dad, listen. For once, I feel like I'm making a connection here.

Dad, listen to me.

What? I'm a loser.

You're not a loser. What are you talking about?

Why? Because you're going with Camille?

No, I'm not going with Camille now. Craig's going with Camille. And now the

thing's in an hour, and I've got the chauffeur here, and I'm not gonna... I

don't have a car. I'm not gonna show up in a limo by myself. I mean, it's

ridiculous. Calm down, will you? Why is she going with Craig?

Hasn't he had that same girlfriend since third grade?

No, she got these bad sun blisters.

Sun blisters?

Dad, my whole world's caping in. It's just... Because, like, the entire senior

class has managed to get dates now.

And they all have rooms, too. I mean, the whole class. Sherman and Buchwald.

Dad, Bart got a room.

Got a room?

Let me see what I can do. Hold on.

God, I feel terrible, but it's an emergency. No, no, don't worry. If it's

an emergency... It's my kid, but I really want to make this up to you.

Could we get together again, like tomorrow?

Does he hurt?

No, actually, it's the senior prom. I gotta help find him a date, so... You're

kidding, right?

No.

It's just that he's counting on me, so... Okay, well, could you at least

drive me home? Um, sorry, you're gonna have to take a cab.

Excuse me, sorry, sorry.

You know, because I always wanted to

go with Betsy McMullen, and that was... seen.

That was the problem from the start.

Betsy.

Get Ed. All right, break down the necessities here.

One, someone near the Bonaventure, right? There's got to be lots of women

around there. Two, they've got to be dressed nice. I mean, that's got to be

important. Now, look for women who can be dressed for a prom, which means what?

We need someone in formal wear.

Yeah,

what do you got Uh, uh, brown hair, brown eyes.

How old?

I don't know, uh, maybe 12, could pass for 13, 14. No, no, no, that's too, Dad,

that's too young.

All right, all right.

Hey, got a five-footer.

Big hair, lots of makeup.

How old? Maybe 35? 35?

All right, calm down, calm down.

Don't panic, just...

You a cop, honey?

Uh, no, I, uh... No, I'm here for my kid.

How much you got?

Oh, yeah, I, uh... Uh... Uh...

So,

uh, how old's your kid?

He's, um, he's 17.

18. He's 18.

Just turned, actually.

Is it his birthday or something?

No.

Okay, she's going to meet you at the front entrance.

Don't ask any questions.

How, um, how do I know that you're not... Because, you know, that could be

awkward.

What does that feel like?

Okay, that's it.

Tickets, please.

That's all right. I know you got them.

Wait a second.

What is this?

It's the, um...

Prom.

I don't do proms. What do you mean you don't do proms? I just don't do proms,

honey.

Push yourself.

Count of three. Looking right here, please.

Ready? One, two, and three.

One more time. Bigger smile on you.

Yeah, there you go.

Excellent. Turn your face a little more to me. That's it.

Big smile.

Thank you. Next.

Smile.

Thank you.

Next, step down.

Lower your hand a little bit. Put your hands on face.

Turn your head a little more to me.

Danny.

Bart.

Did you hear what happened?

What?

They overbooked the hotel.

I didn't get a room.

No?

I got a suite.

Doesn't do proms.

Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah, all right.

What are you having?

Vodka tonic. You want a vodka tonic?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, how's it going?

Fuck you.

Not a good sign. Yeah, not so good.

Well, look at it this way.

It can't get any worse.

Okay, well, actually... Mom!

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

What's he doing here?

Hello, Beth.

Ernie.

I drove over because you left the tickets at the house.

Yeah, actually, I left them. I was worried you wouldn't get in.

Thanks. I was... Well, wait.

Where's Camille?

With Craig.

With Craig?

Are you serious? What happened to his girlfriend?

He had these bad sun blisters.

Sun blisters?

And so?

Dad was helping me find a date. Just now?

Yeah.

And you got dressed up to do that? No, I was on my own date.

He left her to help me.

And you helped him?

Uh, yes. We found a nice, uh... Yeah, she was like... Where'd you find her?

Oh, a couple...

Yeah, she was, um... Where is she?

Doesn't do proms.

Well, then, uh... Well, then, you're not gonna go at all?

No. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, this was supposed to be, like, the highlight.

This was gonna be... Hey, would you like a drink?

Oh, yeah, all right. Can I get a Harvey Wallbanger for my ex-wife? Right? Harvey

Wallbanger. Great. Thank you.

Doesn't Danny look handsome?

Oh, are you kidding me? He's adorable.

You like the tux I got him? It's nice.

I see you got him a tie, too. Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want... Thank

you.

So did this guy propose or what? I think he was about to.

Who is he?

How would you... No.

He's a nice guy.

Yes. Uh-huh.

And you, how's...

Met a woman tonight. Interesting.

I'm sorry to screw that up. Hey, you couldn't have known this was all going

to happen. Oh, no, this was out of your control. This was not his fault. He was

a victim of circumstances.

I think he should have been more aggressive with that sophomore.

God, you're in control of your own life. You're going to have a great picture.

Okay, leave him alone. He's working on it. I mean, what is it that you want?

Every kid wishes their parents would get back together, but it's not realistic.

This moment, forever.

You don't think she was cute? Yeah, but she's ditzy, and Danny doesn't do well

with ditzy. Hold on, wait.

I'll be... Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.

How's your night?

You know, it's actually a lot of fun, um, spending a night like this by

yourself.

You don't have to share with anybody.

Seriously.

You gonna

forgive me?

Okay. Where

are

we going?

To the bar my parents were there.

What are your parents doing at the bar?

Moral support, I guess.

One more time.

Water in the sink. I can see it. No. Nathan, you see the... Camille!

How's it going?

Good, good. Just trying to get through this alive, I guess. I just wanted to

let you guys know I've got Camille with me now, so, you know, we're gonna go in

there and have fun. Oh, great. That's great. Are you guys gonna, you know...

Oh, I'm probably gonna take off. I gotta get back, too. Yeah, listen, it was so

good to see you again. It was good to see you, and I'll see you at graduation.

Graduation, yes. We'll see you then.

Might be kind of weird, but, uh... I mean, do you guys want to come in, or...

Oh, no. Oh, no. Not going into the prom. Besides, the kids don't want to see the

parents. No, honey, tonight is your night. You need to go in there and

celebrate with everybody.

Yeah, you're right. You know, I should.

I know exactly where we're going.

And so, this is how I spent my night.

Nothing like what I had hoped for, but somehow better.

Somehow, just the way it should have been.

And did I look even remotely cool?

Probably not, but... I spent my prom night with the three people I love the

most.

And after we danced the electric slide, after the four of us played a drunken

game of Boggle in my hotel room,

Just before I fell asleep next to my oldest friend on the single bed I

finally had this moment of clarity We can't choose our memories

the best ones just happen So what's the point of trying to create the perfect

moment when the perfect moment is right now