Original subtitles

every year one lucky school gets a new playground built by the philadelphia

eagles so i reached out and they had already picked their school i told them

fine i'll reach out to the 76ers and i didn't get a response back so i did an

instagram call to action in the tone of a threatening plea to sort of pressure

them socially and it worked

What's going on here?

The Sixers are building us a playground.

As in six guys or the Philadelphia 76ers?

Don't be rude, Greg.

They said there's some deep bench players, which is why we don't recognize

them. Uh-huh.

This is free?

Yes.

Well, actually, the way it works is we pay for it up front, and then they're

going to reimburse us when it's finished. It's a very interesting

concept.

Sorry, who are you guys? Hey, man.

Be cool. I'm Dean Wade.

Nope. He's white. And what position could you possibly play?

A point guard.

It's possible. You've seen Jalen Brunson.

This looks kind of bad.

Maybe they're only efficient at basketball?

Maybe.

Let's find out.

Dean, check up.

Shut it down.

School year just started, and I'm already getting scammed. All right,

guys, get out of here.

Yo, what's up?

I'm Tyrese Maxey.

This is Vijay. This is our new guy, Jalen. We saw your Instagram post.

Very effective.

More like threatening. Hey, man, sorry we're late, but we're here now.

Yeah, all right, well, if you're the Sixers, where's LeBron James?

This is gonna sound like a lie, but he's actually running up the Rocky Steps

right now.

He loves that moment. Yeah, right. Get the hell out of here, you tall jerks.

You are crazy as hell.

Really got to start watching men's sports.

Thank you.

Damn.

It's harder than you think it is outside.

The gym isn't boiling during the developer meeting. You know it will be.

I just hope the meeting goes fast.

I have a classroom to build.

This year, I am theming my classroom. So teachers on TikTok, they're completely

transforming their rooms. I've seen magic themes, space themes, but me?

Get your raincoat, baby.

Because welcome to the jungle.

Themed classroom.

Come this way.

Oh, yeah.

That's right, Mr.

Assistant Principal.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, oh, oh.

You got it, you got it. Yeah, I got it. You all right? It's good. You got it. Go

ahead.

So, last year, I got bumped up to assistant principal after Abbott was

saved at the teacher's conference in Miami.

So, I've been preparing all summer. I took some continuing ed courses,

developed a rapport with interim superintendent Collins.

I even hired my own replacement, so the first graders will be in excellent

hands.

Janine says I'm flourishing.

I don't know about all that, but, you know.

Blah, say, blah.

Ah, we have two new teachers this year.

Mr. Eddie's replacement will be here on the first day of school, and second

grade teacher Elsa Hardaway will be joining us from newly shut down Bates

Academy. Hey, what room is she taking? The first floor classroom, your old

room. Won't be a swing space anymore, people.

Crap. I wanted to get my hoop room back. My ankles and those stairs go together

like oil and vinegar. Good for a side salad, but not the main course, you know

what I mean?

Next, we have... Oops!

What the hell happened to you?

Barb, I'm fine. I'm fine. Barb, your phone is cracked in your hair.

Hey, did you hear what I said, Barb? With the neighborhood's absence, black

woman in purple sweater collided with a car in front of the Abbott Elementary.

Let's see you okay.

You got hit by a car?

Are you okay? Do we need to get you to the hospital? Yeah, no, no, no, I'm

fine. While it is true that I was mowed down by a motor vehicle, the good Lord

protected me from serious bodily harm. I mean, could an injured person do this?

Oh, yes.

A car and I made unplanned contact this morning.

Now, normally, there are two sides to every story, but in this case, there are

not, so drop it.

Did you exchange information? Do we need to call the police?

None of that matters. What really matters is... None of this would have

happened if we had that crossing guard back on the corner. Yes, you know, what

happened to that crossing guard, by the way? Same as all the rest of them.

Crossed it on the side.

Barbara, as assistant principal, I think that crossing guard is an excellent

idea, and our office will get right on it.

No, it will not.

Somebody else can do it.

51st district board of school commissioners liaison representative at

your service barbara i'm excited to work with you on this okay so if we're all

done being run over by cars remember to finish your room tonight i know some of

you use the first day so that the kids will do it for you but the district's

been getting on us about child labor practices again so stay as long as you

need uh nope we get paid for an eight hour development day one minute past

that and the union will demand overtime what i

I'm a union representative now.

This sucks.

Yeah, and you can't curse at us. I hate unions.

Okay, great meeting, everybody.

I was really pissed after what the district pulled in Miami. Then I

remembered the teacher's union. So I went to a few meetings, quickly became a

rep. Call me Jimmy Hoffa.

Hey, something about this crossing guard situation.

Well, stop.

That's a little traffic humor for your obsessed ass. Don't sweat the small

stuff. Hey, Ava, my classroom that you gave to Ms. Hardaway, I'd like that to

be mine again now.

Perfect example.

Watch this, Gregory.

Melissa, handle it on your own. Great.

No.

I'm genuinely concerned with handling it on your own means to that woman. We're

administrators. Our energy is best spent focusing on the bigger picture, like

cooling this place down.

I'm working on getting portable AC units.

Okay, well, I would love to help with that.

Perfect, because I'll need you to get my coffee so I have the energy to put a bow

on Project Sweeney Todd.

What?

Later today, Superintendent Collins' barbershop will be swatted, forcing him

to miss his weekly shape and shave, something he hasn't done in decades.

And that's when he'll notice a flyer for another shop, one owned by my father,

who so desperately wants to get back in my life. And then, when the

superintendent is leaned back over the bowl with a razor to his neck, I'll

appear and ask for the ACs.

Or we could just call him.

Oh.

You think you could do this job better than me, huh?

Somebody decides to propose to Strawberry Shortcake's black friend, and

now he thinks he can do everything.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who?

Why the hell do you know I was proposing to Janine?

Gregory, did you think when you were talking to O'Shawn, you were talking to

your man?

Because he's not.

He's my man.

And we don't keep secrets.

Secrets keep us.

Okay, I have mapped out the crosswalk in question where the crime of the century

took place. Let's go over the accident and figure out where to place our new

crossing guard. Okay, okay. Well, the driver was making a right-hand turn

without looking where he was going and mowed me down.

Oh, hey.

You must be the new second-grade teacher. I'm Melissa Cimenti, and you

must be Elsa?

It's Miss Hardaway.

Uh, Miss Hardaway, I got a little proposition for you.

Your classroom for mine.

Because trust me, you're going to want to be on a higher floor when we get the

next Flooded Abbott.

Thank you for that offer, but no thank you. I'm not going to be taking a bunch

of second graders upstairs.

Oh, yeah, okay, you're not aware of the hierarchy around here. See, I'm the

union rep.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, yeah, she's a tough cookie.

Cold glass milk.

I've been on hold for the district for an hour.

Do you have any contacts that... Are those misters?

Yep. Took me all morning to hook them up to the water line. How good is that?

Janine, you didn't tell me you couldn't have misters, and these vines are

covering the smoke alarms.

Is that a fire pit? Yeah.

I'm not gonna light it during the day.

I may have been able to look the other way as a teacher, but as assistant

principal, I legally can't.

Janine, you gotta take this stuff out of here.

Oh, and give me special treatment.

No.

They're not taking your call, are they?

Maybe I'll just go down to the district instead. They can't put me on hold in

person. Well, I'm coming with you. I don't need you messing up my Sweeney

plan. A fire pit?

S'mores when we get back?

Yes.

Janine, what in the world are you doing?

Well, I am giving my classroom the ultimate makeover.

All the cool teachers are doing it.

Barb, you haven't seen this on your phone? I have not.

But have you heard this song on your phone?

I am a strong, black, incredible, sensational mom. Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb.

That song is A.I.

Yes, it is.

Absolutely incredible.

Anyway, decorating a room should be easy. I just get my legs show rug and

call it a day. Yeah, I mean, this ain't TikTok.

We're just Philly public school teachers trying to get through the day. This all

feels just a little unnecessary, no?

Can I help you two? I'm just down here trying to get my classroom back from

Miss Hardaway, who's gonna learn the Hardaway not to mess with me. Oh, Barb,

Barb, we have a volunteer ready to interview.

Huh? Looks good.

You're going to have to remove all the dinosaurs. It's historically inaccurate.

It doesn't make any sense. It's going to mess them all up before they get to me.

Barbara, shall we?

Hey, girl.

How's your mom?

Okay, glasses.

Now, why didn't I see you in church last week?

Just kidding, because I didn't go.

No one here likes you.

Ava, I'm going to have to write you up for killing it in that dress. You look

great.

Still busy slobbing down your co-workers?

He's assistant principal now.

Oh, so not co-workers.

That's a power imbalance, right? I'll set an appointment.

Hi.

We're here to see Superintendent Collins.

He's very busy.

Okay. Well, we'll just wait then.

See? This is what superintendents do.

Let's go. My dad told me he needs some sharper razors. I think we might have a

chance. You sound like a loser on prom night.

No one's coming to surprise you, Gregory.

Take your little suit off.

So, Abdul, where do you see yourself in five years?

Depends. If my cousin and my business idea work out... Abdul, can you hold a

stop sign?

Of course.

Great. That ought to do it. Oh, hold on now. Hold on.

Actually,

yeah, that ought to do it. Any questions for us?

Yeah. How much discretion do I have?

Like, should I bust out my good friend Sarah McLachlan if someone drives too

fast? Well, that's very clever, but no. No.

Okay. Can you assure us that if someone were looking down at their phone while

crossing the street, that they would not get hit by a motorized vehicle?

Easy. Down at their phone?

Well, Abdul, congratulations, you're hired.

Yes.

Uh, hello?

How you doing?

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

This is my classroom.

Miss Hardaway, girl, are you okay?

You gave me this classroom back, don't you?

Listen, I know.

Memory lapses are a common side effect of perimenopause. It's nothing to be

ashamed of. Hey, I didn't give you this classroom.

And my memory is pristine.

And my periods are so regular that my doctor basically begged me to become a

surrogate for hire.

So that is my chair.

You're going to regret this.

Extortion doesn't work without a little information.

I've had nothing on this broad.

Important announcement.

Y'all have to ink.

Give it up, Gregory.

There's one way and one way only to get the superintendent's undivided

attention.

You know what? I'm gonna just knock.

It's hard to say no to people in person.

Not true. I say no to everybody all the time, and I enjoy it.

Actually, he's not in there.

Then where is he?

He's at the golf course.

I thought you guys would have left by now.

See?

Well, I guess it's tea time.

Tea time? Okay, well, Daya has a surgery. She says it's an electric lamp.

The classroom is coming along.

It's been a lot of work. Those TikTok teachers really made it look easy.

Not everyone gets it, but it's not for the adults.

It's for the kids who will treasure it.

Sorry. Mrs. Lyons. Yes, Miss T. It's so nice to meet you.

So I brought all the information regarding Georgia's allergy

restrictions. Yes, thank you.

Fantastic. I will definitely look these over later, I promise. Okay. Yeah.

Working on the classroom.

Oh, yeah. Wow.

This is so nice.

Thank you. But just a warning. Georgia is a little Tasmanian devil. I don't

know if all of this will last more than a day.

Kids just yank stuff down.

Yeah.

It'll be fun, though.

Um, it has been a lot of work.

Oh, well, don't stress yourself. Look, I heard you're an excellent teacher, so

you just teaching these kids will be enough.

Oh.

Do you need help? No, I got it. Thanks. Okay.

I'll see you soon.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

You hold it. Yeah.

Knock on that. There you are.

Can I help you? This morning, that lady cracked my headlight.

You're the maniac motorist? Citizen to rest!

Abdul, let's hear Sarah McLachlan sing. Sir,

sir, maybe we can go somewhere and talk about what happened. What is there to

talk about?

You were watching your phone, not paying attention.

I rolled down my window to get her to pay attention. What did you do? You kept

walking, bashed into my car.

Oh, is this true? Of course not.

Oh, snap. Someone uploaded the video on neighborhoods.

Oh, okay.

I lied.

I just didn't want to start this year off on a foolish foot, especially not in

front of all the other teachers.

Well, as a man humiliated before his peers on the daily, I understand.

Damn. You're smashed into his car.

Oh, I want to see.

What are you doing?

And why'd you knock over this trash can?

I am trying to take down my classroom decor.

Why?

This is incredible.

Yeah, but it's just, it's taking a lot of effort and it's really silly.

Taxes are silly.

This is beautiful.

I can feel my mind expanding already.

Thanks. If I had a classroom like this growing up, I could have probably been

president.

Or better yet, the highest paid janitor in the world.

The kids are never gonna forget this, Janine.

Catch you later.

Bye.

No, wait. Wait, Mr. Johnson!

Hold that thought, Judd.

You just, uh... Working hard, you silly son of a... Ava.

I was gonna say bitch.

We were at your office. I tried to call but couldn't get through and your

secretary told us that you were here.

So are you here embezzling or cheating?

It's always one or the other with you suits. What?

No.

This is Judd Allen. He develops vacant properties in Philadelphia.

This is actually a meeting to discuss how to replace two schools that shut

down.

That's cute.

Look, we're sorry for interrupting.

We just need ten new portable AC units. The old ones that we had are broken, and

I know it doesn't seem like an emergency, but... But it is one, because

it's way too hot out here. And we would have got them on our own, but... No, no,

no. Going through the district is definitely the right call.

Way to show initiative, Mr. Eddy.

No, we'll get that done for you.

Do you mind if I get back to my meeting?

So you're just going to give us the ACs because he, what, axed? Yeah, it seems

like a pretty straightforward request.

And what if we had held you hostage? Would you have said yes then?

Uh, I want to say no to that.

Remember to keep that left arm straight in your backswing. Thanks.

Any other big things we need to handle?

Oh, my God.

My barber just got swatted.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Miss Hardaway. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, honesty time, full disclosure, I tripped and hurt my ankle real bad like

two years ago, and those stairs are killing me.

Please, for the love of God, have mercy and let me have my old classroom back.

Not my ankle. Not my stairs.

Not my problem.

Are you looking at Morton?

Morton? Is that his name?

You like Morton?

He's...

They're handsome.

Oh, honey, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I get it. You know what? His classroom is right across from mine

upstairs, and he walks by all the time.

We have air.

Once we get the hose. Yeah, you did it. Take him out, take him out.

Is Gregory really better at this than I am?

Damn.

Is it too late for me to join the WNBA?

I don't know who, but my tunnel fits will break the internet.

Hey, don't look at the cars. Look at me. I'll tell you when to go.

All right, now go.

One thing I can do is protect these kids.

Hey, stop, stop.

You stop. You see this strong, black, incredible, sensational woman on her

phone. How you doing, Mrs. Howard?

Like that color.

That kid.

Kid. Watch me. I'll go. Barbara, didn't you learn anything?

For Pete's sake, at least look up.

Don't have to.

Crossing guy.

Well, was there a new teacher you hired?

I don't know.

He said he would have to miss development day, but that he'd be here

today. He emailed me.

Let me see that.

chat dbt no no this is a real person i interviewed them on zoom and i've

recorded the interview for safety yeah see well first of all look at that head

shape look at the head shape like that the plant just moved look

at that war background look how he's pausing so the computer can figure out

what you said you interviewed a deep fake what would anybody gain by

doing this welcome to 2026 gregory You're old, dumb, and swagless.

Okay, I'll just teach the class until we get somebody else.

Perfect. Have a great first day, assistant principal.

They said I was washed, that my reign was over, that I'd never make it back to

the top of the charts. But guess what?

Abbott don't elementary without me.

It's going to be the best year yet.

Welcome in, class.

Go ahead. Sorry.

All right, guys. Do me a favor. Find a seat. Welcome to second grade.

How we doing?

It's okay.

Anything can happen in the jungle.

All right, guys? Go ahead. Find a friend. Get a seat.

Let's get started.

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