Original subtitles

Taxi, ma'am?

No, I'm being met.

See, it's that lady over there.

Ginger?

That's my stage name.

Where are we going?

To the hotel.

Will Fred be there?

Let's hope he's a real porter.

It's Christmastime! And who is at the station to greet you?

Christmas sausage...

...free, from Mr. Fulvio Lombardoni!

Hear ye, hear ye.

Sausage and lentils for everyone!

Miss! Just a minute! Wait for me!

No, I'll keep this one.

You can take the others.

Climb in, ma'am, we're running late.

The Lucio Dalla look-alikes.

You look just like him.

Do you sing like him too?

Midway this way of life we're bound upon...

...I woke to find myself in a dark wood...

...where the right way was wholly lost and gone.

But with my trusty compass, which ne'er had I abandoned...

...I quickly found the path again and so my fate commanded.

C.S.T., this is Stephanie from We Are Proud to Present.

We're leaving the station, on our way...

...to pick up Admiral Aulenti. Over and out.

Who's she talking to?

Wow, are they organized!

Won't you answer any questions?

My editor will fire me.

Amelia Bonetti, stage name "Ginger."

Are you married?

I'm a grandmother.

I have two beautiful grandchildren...

...forever glued to the TV.

The dancing grandma! Congratulations!

You and Albert Light imitated the famous dancers--

Hold it! Albert Light...

...is not his real name. His real name is...

...Pippo Botticella.

Back then, it was important...

...to have an American name.

We were very...

...successful and our impresario insisted...

...we be advertised as "Ginger and Fred."

How many years have you been retired?

Twenty? Twenty-five?

People want to know.

Maybe.

We were very, very popular. To this day...

...people sometimes stop me on the street.

Why agree to a comeback?

Fans could be disappointed.

I don't know why I accepted.

Because my grandchildren kept insisting, and friends...

...or because of television's magic spell.

Anyway, here I am.

The artist is like a wolf...

...he hears the call of the wild.

You trying to run me down?

There's no living in Rome.

Is this it?

No, we're waiting for the heroic admiral.

Why? What did he do?

Let's see. "Admiral Aulenti...

...was awarded the Medal of Honor.

He entered the flame-engulfed...

...engine room...

...and saved the ship and its crew from the explosion...

...which would have damaged...

...the city...

...in which the ship was docked."

They're supposed to be flowers.

What a lovely thought!

You people from TV?

Do you need a Santa Claus?

No, we don't.

Here he comes.

Will I bother you here?

Are you cold, sir?

Do you want a blanket?

No, thanks, I don't need a thing.

It's a beautiful day.

Ah, Rome!

But not today, really.

The admiral is onboard. We're heading for the Hotel Manager.

Kafka has arrived?

I'll be right here if you change your mind.

Admiral Aulenti...

...these ladies and gentlemen...

...are all artists.

I know. I love artists.

They are the benefactors...

...of humanity.

I do love you.

Now, forgive me, I must rest a bit.

Is he all right?

What's the admiral got to do with our show?

We're going to dance!

The action is now developing along the left sideline....

And he calls himself a soccer player?

Here comes Little Red Riding Hood.

I have two more for you.

The admiral and Ginger.

Let's sit him down.

The drops won't be so bitter tonight.

A glass of water, please.

No, they're not the ones!

We are at the Hotel Manager.

Come now, sir.

I'll hold your nose. Come now, or your wife...

...will take it out on me.

Do you like it here?

What do you want from me?

The others will be here later! Bye!

But, Miss....

Now what do I do?

You can go up to your room...

...or have dinner in there.

Fiorenzo will be here shortly.

Who is that?

The assistant director.

Shall we take a walk?

I have to write a letter.

Room 306, ma'am. Anything else?

Has Mr. Botticella arrived?

You're in pain, eh?

Pippo Botticella?

No, he hasn't checked in yet.

As soon as he does, ask him to call me.

In 306, Mrs. Bonetti.

It's urgent. Please don't forget.

Take this lady's bags and show her to her room.

These are my suitcases: the white one, the beauty case...

...and the hatbox.

Goal!

They scored!

Bette Davis!

The Bette Davis look-alike!

I'm not anyone's look-alike!

May I introduce myself.

Clark Gable.

Where did you put my shoes?

Proust, Marcel Proust.

Big French writer. What the hell did you write?

My shoes?

In the suitcase.

One moment, madam.

In my birthday suit, I look like a Greek god.

Then get back to the museum. Goodbye.

You see, you can adjust the light.

Let me out of here before I burst!

Italy has no athletes anymore.

They just want money.

Thanks.

I have you all set up now.

Oh, brother!

Disappointment is too intense, I see.

Kicking and punching.

We salute the forces of law and order.

You shouldn't have done it, Reginald.

The police will find my body...

...and they'll know you did it.

It's done. Do you know how long it took?

Enrico, your Amelia's still screwy.

Santa Margherita Liqure, please.

Hold the line.

Old age is a thing of the past. Lesson 22.

The last exercise was...

...big fish mouth. Open the mouth!

Wider! Wider! Now close!

Do this exercise ten times a day.

Pucker up as for a kiss, to the right.

Left, right!

And your complexion will be as smooth as mine.

It's me. Hello, Anna.

You're having dinner?

Who did the cooking? Ali!

Luisetta?

Have the shipment stored in the warehouse tomorrow.

You didn't have the nerve to say...

...I was dancing on TV!

They should have seen me 20, 25 years ago!

Tomorrow's show will be fantastic!

We even have some admirals.

Admirals!

You don't know what that is?

Anyway, they're going to be on.

All very special, very important guests...

...me, us, the admirals.

You'll see!

Fred? No, he's not here yet.

There's a train every hour. He'll be here soon.

The assistant director is waiting. I'll call later...

...to say good night.

Whatever possessed me!

Mr. Botticella should be here by now.

Not yet, ma'am.

The train comes in at 11.

That man is waiting for you.

Mr. Fiorenzo, the assistant director.

You brought a scepter too!

Mr. Fiorenzo, the assistant director?

Pictures?

Here we go.

These were taken...

...at the Margherita in Milan.

What great audiences! They really applaud!

I need 24 Grenadier guards. I am...

...the Queen of England.

I don't see the resemblance.

Are you kidding?

Look at me when I have the crown on!

What's happening?

That's the third blackout today!

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It's not our fault.

Massimiliano, get the candles.

Light, please.

1942?

Well, everyone gets older, you know.

Here we are in the pas de deux.

Fred was a smash in his Gypsy Cossack...

...medley: acrobatic, languid, tender...

...savage.

Look, I still have a playbill.

Excuse me, but I have to....

We're choosing the photographs.

You see, we were famous as tap dancers.

With an eclectic repertory.

You know...

...that flamenco and tap have a great deal...

...in common, the same roots.

I'll show you.

No, not on the carpet.

Where's your partner?

I'm waiting for him too.

He'll be here soon.

Didn't you come together?

Aren't you married?

Well, no. I'm married, but not to him.

We spent so many years on the road...

...like gypsies...

...so when I met my poor Enrico I--

Too bad!

I don't see why.

It plays better. Audiences go for...

...a love story.

True. But it didn't happen.

See you tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

When do we rehearse?

It's been years since we danced together.

It's impossible!

Two hours will be plenty.

My dear sir, we are professionals, you know.

If you ladies would like to start...

...we're ready for the first seating.

Are you from C.S.T.? This way.

Your table is there.

That's a transvestite.

Getting back to us, the magistrate said--

I don't care what he said.

I'm just the lawyer who paid the ransom to the kidnappers.

I refuse to answer any of your questions.

Go ask my client.

He's locked in his room.

Twenty billion lire, eh?

And then cut off his fingers!

What's so funny?

You're really a good dancer.

I'm sorry I never saw you, but I wasn't even born yet!

You're excused.

May I let my hair down?

I feel so sad, so lonely.

Nobody understands me.

That's why I accepted all this publicity.

My trial will cause a scandal, you know.

What trial?

I go on trial next month. People must know!

And you know what they'll call me?

I won't say it.

You're a real lady.

Wine?

Yes, I'd love some.

You too, Miss Ginger.

I'm in such agony...

...over those poor boys.

Shouldn't someone care?

Are you involved with abandoned children?

Enjoy your dinner, ma'am.

I love rock 'n' roll.

It grabs me. How about you?

Me too.

Here's my problem:

All those strong, handsome young men in jail...

...locked up in the cold and dark, without love.

How can they survive?

I felt a calling, a true vocation.

Vocations do exist?

Of course!

One night...

...I dreamed that a handsome, dark young man...

...was staring at me through the bars and moving his lips like this:

"Help, help."

Was this someone you know?

It still gives me goose bumps. Never saw him before, honest.

Listen to what comes next.

A friend of mine had a relative in jail.

I go with him to visit. And whom do I see?

Him?

Dark, handsome...

...the man in my dream. Is this not a vocation?

Maybe. I couldn't say.

He introduced me to a friend...

...then another.

And now they're trying me for what I brought them.

What did you bring them?

His buns, madam.

That's this fellow's vocation.

Scoff, scoff, handsome! The Americans...

...it's true, are doing abdominal transplants...

...of the fetus, so we can experience pregnancy!

So, God willing, we can breed our own children...

...with our own blood, in our own bodies!

Those American are geniuses!

A friend in Baltimore...

...is having it done. And they're paying him a fortune!

Maybe I can do it too. What do you think?

You're all my guests at the club across the street.

You too, madam.

We'll have fun.

I can't, I'm expecting a call. Thanks.

Too bad, tonight's my night!

Kafka! Proust! You're all my guests! And the reporter.

I want to be godfather at the baptism...

...of mama's little darling.

This Christmas is like summer!

Rita Hayworth, stay close to me!

Keep your paws off me!

Come on, you milquetoasts, this must be a night to remember!

And you, ma'am?

I told you, I'm expecting someone.

That maniac gets to me somehow.

It's never happened before!

I'll get myself arrested so he can visit me in jail.

A good idea.

Come here, you tramp, you treasonous tramp!

Can you spare 100 lire?

Give it to me.

I appear on TV tomorrow.

What for?

A hundred lire.

I'm looking, just be patient!

I need it.

I don't know if he's there.

Pippo.

I'm so angry I could scream!

It's disgusting, a circus: midgets, transvestites...

...and of course, the admiral!

They say he's going to be on with us.

But Pippo isn't here yet!

He hasn't gotten in. Who do I dance with?

He's no fool. You shouldn't have talked me into this.

I never should have come!

Olive oil.

Think about it.

I'm walking out, like it or lump it.

Let the admiral dance!

The contest lasts 30 seconds, get ready.

I don't need a tranquilizer, don't worry...

...I'll get over it.

I'll watch television.

They have to guess which brand of sauce...

...pours down...

...onto the best pasta in the world!

Mr. Fulvio Lombardoni brand pasta!

Twenty-seven seconds left! Go for it!

Winter crunch pastry. Two cups of flour...

...one stick butter.

Here it is! It's this one!

And our winner is Carmela!

How did you guess?

I dreamt about my poor mama!

She said I'd win big.

Twenty million lire.

Wave to the mayor.

Time is running out. Go for it.

A thrill that the best woman won!

Bye for now, and remember:

Use Spritz sauce and you'll say, "Life is a holiday!"

Oh, go on!

Who is it?

Someone who wants to sleep.

This is impossible. It's like a landing strip.

I need to sleep too.

Pippo...

...is that you?

When did you get in?

I left a message for you to call me...

...in 306.

Now...let's get to sleep!

Amelia, I didn't recognize you.

No, no, it's nothing. Good night.

The bus leaves in ten minutes.

The two Dallas...

...Brigitte Bardot...

...Marlene Dietrich...

...Reagan.

Here I am!

Where's your cowboy suit?

Where is Mr. Fiorenzo...

...the assistant director?

What is it?

Which lady?

What do you want?

I didn't get a bathroom.

So do without.

Woody Allen sans bathroom!

Where do I take my costumes?

When do we rehearse?

I don't speak English.

I'm Reagan from Grottoferrata.

What's so difficult? I can say it.

That's our music. Where's it coming from?

The reception room.

What the hell do you know about tap-dancing, junior?

When were you born?

When the great Fred was dancing, you were wetting the bed.

You say now I wet the bed. So what?

In fact, I do it once in a while.

The old prostate!

Amelia...

...we're surrounded by a bunch of dilettantes.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

Pippo Botticella. Fred! I imitate...

...anything.

Train...

...typewriter...

...machine gun...

...classical-modern...

...comical-romantic...

...comical-pastoral-romantic.

Black patent-leather shoe helps create the proper mood.

Of course...

...my lungs aren't what they used to be.

Your lungs are shot, you wet the bed, so shut up!

Did you know the maestro...

...did "Super Gut Buster '84"?

Hey, folks, let's have some fun.

We're all good guys.

A shapely ass Gives your tool gas

Still the same old tune!

I wrote one which, all modesty aside, is not bad.

Here's the score. You're the maestro?

I'm Amelia Bonetti, Ginger.

Here we go!

A woman with a puny ass Is like a kiss without a moustache

It's a medley of famous American music...

...arranged exclusively for us.

Here, you've got to...

...repeat this phrase...

...two or three times so I have time...

...to get off and change.

I'll show you.

Television, please!

Darling, I'm not jealous...

...if you prefer...

...Baloney Lombardoni!

You remember, don't you?

You always got this part wrong.

Not the steps...

...the expression of the face.

You smile. It's just the opposite...

...much more subtle.

Here the melody ends, embracing, oblivious...

...like a dream. Do you get it?

Who asked you for a sermon?

The maestro wanted to know....

Maestro.

It's been a few years. We need to rehearse.

Are they irresponsible!

You've got a cramp already? You hardly moved.

Did you get your money yet?

Let's go, they're waiting for us.

The midget in orange...

...she looks just like you.

I see you after 30 years and this is the thanks I get?

Get that shoe on!

Help me with these guys.

Your tails?

They're in here. They won't wrinkle.

Hi, Kojak. Are you Sitting Bull?

Everybody else on the big bus!

It's true. There's the cow...

...with 20 tits!

Hold it!

You see...

...when I drop something, before I pick it up...

...I have to think about it. You too?

It might be wise to drop some moves...

...you know, like the lift.

I don't want to end up on the floor.

You'd still be in my arms.

You're not too much the worse for wear. Your hair, a little.

You're drinking less, right?

Last night you were really out of it.

I spent the whole trip with a baby in my arms.

Your baby?

She says, "Please hold him. I have to go to the bathroom."

She was gone three hours!

My deputy introduces me...

...then I'll make the official mayor's speech.

No, you just take a nice bow, that's all.

It's publicity for the hotel.

We Are Proud to Present reaches 25 million viewers.

We said you could bring in the buses...

...but not that cow. It's making a mess!

A cow?

I'm not staying. What kind of a show is this?

Where are we, in a zoo?

Amelia, I'm getting 800,000 lire.

I don't have your resources.

What resources?

There's 18 of them, like us!

We can all suck! A tit apiece!

What bounty! Congratulations.

You're like the sun: There's enough for everyone!

A busty woman Keeps your dong a-chuggin'

I can do better.

Only you get to milk her?

No, the cow.

How's your dancing school doing?

I sold it to Jose from Saragoza.

Now what?

I did legitimate theater. And I sell...

...encyclopedias on time.

Excuse me, but I don't see a decoration--

Leave him alone.

It was an honest question.

You never stop! I meant to ask you...

...why didn't your wife come with you?

She just didn't come. Isn't that better?

You really didn't recognize me?

Thank you!

Amelia...

...you're still a little girl.

Haven't the years gone by too fast?

Not for me. I married...

...Anna was born. Then I was widowed.

The grandchildren.

These are tears of joy, ma'am.

It's beyond comprehension!

Beyond. Yes, yes.

How did they do it?

One of the voices had been recorded without a microphone.

Mama records voices from the beyond on tape, or so we've believed...

...for years now.

Can you be more specific?

With a tape recorder turned on in a locked room, with a microphone.

Then we listen to the tape, and we hear startlingly clear voices.

But this time without a microphone.

Do you see? No microphone. Listen.

Everybody else on the big bus!

That's the secretary's voice.

Correct. Wait.

Where is Pippo?

It said "Pippo"!

We've heard this voice before. It always calls for Pippo.

Who is he?

He is Pippo.

All I heard was a murmur.

Exactly. A kind of murmur. A change in frequency from one...

...dimension to another, from theirs to ours.

This requires a lot of energy on their part.

The dead....

Although they try not to let on, poor things...

...they're so happy, festive...

...they laugh.

You should hear their laughter!

It's all been tested by experts, witnesses...

...in a controlled environment, no tampering.

Listen!

Pippo.

Hear that? This time it was very clear.

They want to welcome me.

You didn't let that bother you?

Think how many Pippos there are in the world, millions...

...and they pick on you?

But sometimes...I feel...

...that soon....

It's hard to be specific about it.

It's as if things looked at me...

...in a peculiar way.

Who looks at you?

Things.

As if they were saying farewell.

"Goodbye, Pippo, goodbye!"

Doesn't that comfort you?

They're fond of you.

Merry Christmas, dear viewers.

This is a reminder that at 4:30 p.m. we broadcast...

...a special Christmas program from...

...We Are Proud to Present.

He got here before us. Look how many!

You trying to scare us?

We'll take the handcuffs off during the show.

Don't do anything crazy.

He's even prepared a song to sing.

All you forgot were the armored tanks!

Am I dumb! I didn't bring a telephoto lens.

I recognize him from his picture in the paper.

It's Cantanzaro...

...a Mafioso.

He got 30 years under house arrest.

So why are they putting him on TV?

He's a star too.

We got permission from the Ministry of Justice...

...to have him on our show.

That's how you'll end up!

Who is the handcuffed gentleman?

We made a bet, officer.

He won't say. Who cares!

Can you help me? This one's light.

Miss Ginger, I saw you there, and there.

Identification tags!

Put your bags on the belt.

They've got us all on file.

Who are you talking about?

We go this way.

I'm not armed!

I left everything home!

Stop right there.

I quit smoking.

Thanks.

A handsome fellow, but...

...drugs, armed robbery, kidnapping.

A big crook and still so young.

So many crimes already!

Good for him!

You with your little, bourgeois baby face...

...you make your bundle off the sweat of others.

What are you ranting about?

That young man refuses to be exploited, he rebels...

...and I'm on his side.

He wages a just war against the system's abuses.

That's all I have to say!

This is the voice...

...of raging senility! You're going through mental-pause!

So I'm an exploitative boss?

You have a business with employees...

...who work for you?

I break my neck from 6 a.m. till midnight...

...in that two-bit outfit with a tiny staff...

...and I'm a slave driver?

Amelia, we've got to rebel!

I'm on the rebels' side.

We've got to rebel against all this too. I burn...

...when I see injustice. I burn!

So go ahead and burn!

Come, step through here.

Be glad to.

Sir! Will you come here, please?

Don't touch me.

Keep your hands off me.

Don't move!

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

You set off the metal detector. Frisk him.

Turn around.

What is this?

A horseshoe!

You always carry this? Superstitious?

Superstitious!

Okay, everybody satisfied?

Is there a bar around here?

What will you say on the show?

The truth.

I was framed.

Is he really in custody or is he an actor?

And when it's in love?

It goes like this:

Can I get an autographed copy of his book?

I'm broadcasting today...

...from the studio coffee shop to preview...

...juicy gossip from today's We Are Proud to Present.

Among today's guests is Armand Bitossi...

...who holds the record...

...for length of kidnapping...

...and for ransom price, 11 billion lire plus the amputation...

...of his finger, mailed to his beautiful wife.

I see Selma Parenti, who left...

...her husband and children...

...for an extraterrestrial.

What planet is he from?

I can tell you that: Sirius.

Where do you meet every week?

Excuse me, but that's our business.

How is he different...

...from our men?

He understands me.

Do we wait here?

Yes, there's self-service.

Steak and salad!

Did you get something for me?

Yes, but there's no cannelloni today!

Amelia, I'm over here!

Get me a cappuccino without foam, please!

Hold the foam!

I heard you!

Where's your dog?

What dog?

It's been whimpering since the pope died.

Barbara! Come on, let me bite your butt!

Go, my child, what more do you want?

I gave you my blessing.

Miss, isn't that Brother Jerome of Trivento?

Yes. He saved...

...my dying mother. I went to him...

...with her photograph.

He touched it and she was cured!

When he prays at the altar...

...he sometimes rises in the air...

...up to the crucifix, hanging from the ceiling!

Volare!

The man he's with is a scientist, a parapsychologist.

This one?

No! The pink wrapper!

Forgive my surprise and disbelief...

...but is it true the little monk can fly?

It happens. Levitation...

...is a rarity in the West.

Have you seen it?

Well done. That's it. Give it to me.

We wish all our viewers...

...a Merry Christmas.

This week's We Are Proud to Present...

...will be on in 3 hours.

Along with our lineup of unusual guests...

...we'll have the latest bands and...

...a guru orchestra.

Her career took off like a shot...

...thanks to the chairman.

And for the first time...

...the seven oldest wind instrumentalists.

They are entering our studios now.

All together, their ages add up to...

...620 years...

...a centenarian orchestra.

Afterwards...

...we'll meet an ex-reverend.

I'm not sure "ex-reverend" is correct.

I'm not an "ex." I'm still a reverend.

What's she talking about?

Then we'll meet the man most beloved by women...

...who wish to become more beautiful...

...professor Karl Rolf Neuberg...

...the wizard of plastic surgery.

I don't understand German.

The operation lasted eight hours each time...

...for four months, but look how I've changed!

I'll remove the bandages during the show.

When I tell my age, you'll say it's a miracle...

...thanks to that gentleman.

Excuse me, sir...

...would you dedicate this?

I was kidnapped once myself.

I said, hold the foam!

The impresario hadn't paid our hotel bill...

...and we were locked in our room for 10 days.

Luckily, she was able to cook!

Why didn't you call your wife...

...right after your release?

I walked through the countryside all night long....

Why do you have to lie all the time?

Did you manage to accomplish anything? Where is...

...our dressing room? I have to iron my dress.

Is there a follow-spot?

How else can they see us do the "hesitation"?

I remember it all.

Are you married?

Not to each other.

I'm Barbara from Teleflash...

...with a few questions for Ginger and Fred.

You broke up your act around '39-'40. What are you...

...doing now? What will you perform tonight?

What do you think of today's dances?

Why are you appearing on this show? And why...

...tap-dancing?

Finally! It's about time...

...for a serious discussion of tap-dancing.

Tap-dancing...

...is not just a dance.

It's more.... Much more....

Much more....

Be more specific!

I agree that tap-dancing is much more....

Much more....

Yes! It's much more!

How do you mean?

At first, tap was not a dance at all.

What was it?

The Morse code...

...of black slaves. A wireless telegraph.

On the cotton plantations, when slaves...

...talked instead of worked, the slave driver...

...whipped their skin off.

So what does your black slave do?

He communes with his brother...

...like this:

"Watch it, the guard's around!"

"I have a knife...

...shall I do him in?"

Or else:

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Very interesting! The language of love and death!

Who told you this story?

I've just always...

...known about it.

Fifteen years we danced and you never told me!

This is really great and very beautiful.

I've got goose bumps!

Ah, husbands!

He's not my husband.

Thanks, that was a fascinating interview.

Why wasn't the book promoted on TV before now?

The usual technical delays.

There were big problems?

Not problems, really.

Is it true that the author is protected...

...by a big politician?

Quite true!

Thanks to his influence, I was invited to be on this show.

But don't quote me!

Political science-fiction!

Camilia! What tits you have!

"For Xenia, with enthusiasm." What comes next?

"So you won't forget me."

What's this number?

My telephone.

You always miss the limelight.

No, thanks. I've read it.

It's very good, contemporary, up-to-date.

But the ending....

Disappointed you?

Well, I don't know. The story begins...

...at a very high level. And then...

...in the second half, well....

About here?

No, you go too far. Let's say about here:

How would you end it?

You're much too kind.

For instance, the story ends on a river.

Don't you like rivers?

I like them a lot.

But in your book...

...the river is symbolic, right?

Yes, symbolic. Definitely!

Then you should have--

You're a writer! Admit it!

You flatter me. You're too kind.

I knew instantly you weren't just...

...a perceptive reader.

Suggest another ending for my book.

Maybe in the second printing....

No new printings!

What do you write?

I'm no writer, though!

Occasionally, I jot down little amusements.

What are they called?

Rhyming aphorisms.

Rhymes are a little old-fashioned.

Yes, but they help the reader to remember.

Come, recite something for us.

The best things are usually impromptu.

I try to capture certain images...

...of the female body and what it arouses in a man.

Ah, a mirror image!

A professor said they're in the vein of--

Of Martial.

Give us a treat!

This is becoming an exam. I'm afraid...

...my little diversions will disappoint you.

We should be going.

We still have to rehearse.

These are writers I'm talking to.

She's right, we have to rehearse our tap routine.

It needs an introduction. Did you see those midgets?

Yes, very amusing!

I can hardly wait.

Do you really want to hear this?

Does he dedicate them? Have you heard any?

A few. I can't really evaluate them.

A midget-maid's cheeks A dong bespeaks

That's Martial, all right!

With just a hint of Horace!

One "bespeaks," waits for the midget to grow up.

It reminds me of Giovanni Pascoli!

Shall we go?

You make a roll call of the look-alikes.

All look-alikes going to Makeup, over here!

Celentano, Bette Davis, La Dietrich, Pius Xll....

Didn't you realize...

...they were making fun of you?

Why Giovanni Pascoli?

Look who's here!

Look who's here!

Memory's gone, no bowel control, false teeth....

Are you hurt?

It's nothing.

I'm fine! Are you hurt?

No way!

To Makeup! Go!

Does this hurt?

That's delicious.

That could be dangerous!

Let's take a picture!

For my grandson. He wants to be like them.

Pick me up? Why not?

Careful, now!

Hey, look at Shorty!

You like those bruisers?

I want a picture for my grandson...

...ala Mae West!

Toto, I won't be responsible for my behavior.

After which, you'll wake up!

Where can I get some ice?

In the bar. Bring me some, I'm on fire.

I can't stand you! Enough already!

We'll be right here!

Seeing you is good for him.

You think so?

It's been 30 years since I saw you together.

He put on such a big act, but then....

Poor guy! He really took it hard.

What?

Your leaving him. I heard about it...

...after they'd put him away. You know...

...the first time he didn't recognize me!

What was wrong with him?

We'll be right here!

Haven't you heard?

What?

Then don't let on you know.

Look at that!

Listen, my friend.

Tell the truth. What do you think of me?

That my problem's up here?

Unquestionably, we descend from the apes.

The trouble is we can't get back to them...

...to their gift of instinct...

...of natural innocence.

Did you see how she looked at us? Her eyes said:

"Boy, are you a mess!"

She meant you!

This way, senator.

You have about an hour.

The senator's been fasting for 40 days.

He's protesting...

...against the shooting of little birds.

Better leave the fasting to us, we're broke!

Why should a rich man starve to death?

Are you real vagrants? Did you get a box lunch?

Were you lucky to run into old Toto!

I know all the hideaways.

I'll find you a place to rehearse.

Toto, we'll wait here.

I ate tuna salad for supper...

...and spent all night in the toilet with the runs.

What's this?

A soft-focus screen. It makes me younger.

We're sorry for this brief interruption.

We'll be back on the air as soon as possible.

How did I do?

What is it?

Nothing.

Are you wearing...

...all your medals?

Heavens, no! They wouldn't fit!

I see you're missing an important decoration.

Where's the great umbilical cord of the order of the sphincter?

It's vile of you to make fun of my decorations...

...and of the person honored by them.

Out of my way!

Why ask him for that one?

He has so many already! Sir, please...

...calm down. You'll get that one too!

Stop that now.

No one will bother you here.

Rehearse!

There's your suitcase.

You have over an hour.

I'll take you to Makeup.

Hey, kids, Ginger and Fred!

I can see the act now. It begins. Ginger...

...is about to leave, the love affair is over, maybe forever, then:

So will they do the "Wooo" for us?

It's essential, the "Wooo" is our cue to dance.

It's in the score.

Lucky I still had it.

"Farewell, my beloved Fred."

Ginger is crying onboard...

...then you appear, discard your cigarette and:

You kids...

...have a lot of guts! Rehearse now.

I'll be back to get you.

Shall we rehearse in costume?

Are you winded?

Did you see Toto again?

No. I mean, yes. Once.

Where?

I feel a bit shy.

Yet we slept together so many times!

You're so sweet!

Are we in such bad shape?

These days, when I undress in front of a woman....

I avoid it, if I can. And you?

Who, me? I don't have those problems.

Boy, you ask some questions!

Once upon a time...

...when I undressed...

...I'd get a round of applause from the lucky girl!

Oh, yes. No slouch was old Pippo...

...stage name, Fred!

In fact, I lasted 15 years...

...with the sexual nomad, as you defined yourself.

What was it like...

...with your husband?

It was all very different.

You and I were so young back then.

How do I look?

Why not?

The steps...

...nonexistent.

We've got to show them who we are...

...what Fred can do!

Me too!

What do they think we are, two dancing bears?

That we're just a lead-in to an admiral?

A warmonger?

Are you here to introduce an admiral?

Frankly, I'm not too happy...

...about that either, but...

...that's their way.

Not with me!

Just let me up on that stage.

Let me up...

...on that stage...

...and you'll see! Tonight, I talk...

...I spill the beans...

...to 60 million Italians.

I'll say it all.

What are you going to say?

You're all sheep!

You think I'm here for the 800,000 lire?

I don't give a shit!

So you invented...

...television? You watch it day and night?

You pay attention only to TV?

Then tonight, listen to me. To me!

Come.

Come here.

Head! Leg!

I got you!

Crazy, am I?

It's time to stop this crazy-man business.

Wow, you're terrific!

That's enough.

You could hurt yourself.

They want us in Makeup.

Attention, please...

...actors and guests of We Are Proud to Present...

...please proceed to Makeup.

Ladies, over here!

They're all Americans here.

How come they hired you?

My grandpa visited Philadelphia.

In here. I need you.

Amelia, the makeup room is right there.

Does it look better like this...

...or like this?

This way, it shows off your neck.

I agree, it looks longer!

What are you doing?

What is that?

Aren't you Paolino the Cat?

Whose is this?

Who ordered three grappas?

How about a toupee for the bald spot?

You'll look younger.

Keep the change.

It's not enough.

To everybody's health!

You're pulling my hair! I'll do it.

Fruitcake!

That's it! I'm not up to this.

I'm going home. Whom do I have to tell?

I'll fix it.

No. I want to go home.

Sorry, I'm deaf. I'm stone-deaf, lady.

Who do I tell? I want to...

...go home!

We'll start with the makeup room, sir.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Please don't get up. You're working.

This is a great honor, sir.

Gentlemen, our president is here.

May I introduce the mayor of Borgosole...

...and the wife of the owner of a cow...

...with 15 teats.

No, 18! And it's in the studio now!

Today's show was a lot of trouble, but it's:

Borgosole?

Population, 8,000. We produce...

...pipes and corks, and our famous bowls.

Two authentic vagrants for the segment...

..."Marginal Metropolis" ...

...on the city's serious and neglected...

...problems.

It's our duty!

He's handsome too!

Sorry for the confusion...

...but it's almost airtime.

These are the famous singers...

...who will finally be on our show.

I'm a big fan of theirs. Bravo, lovely ladies!

This lady was chosen as lead-in to...

...the heroic Admiral Aulenti.

We'll evoke the era...

...through movie music...

...made famous by...

...two stars of the forties: Rogers and Astaire.

This lady and her partner imitated them...

...with great success.

She's tinier than the famous American...

...but just as pretty and charming.

When I was a boy...

...I spent hours in my room every day...

...trying to imitate the sublime Fred Astaire.

Television Space Center is bringing you...

...a special holiday show...

...from your favorite program, We Are Proud to Present...

...in exactly one hour on this station.

Friends, I intend to enjoy the show...

...from my office.

It's been a delight.

Merry Christmas to all!

Sir, does We Are Proud to Present satisfy....

I have to do it!

You can't just walk out on a commitment!

What would they say? It's even in the newspapers!

Chin up, Amelia.

How old is Mrs. Bonetti?

There she is!

Your age?

What for?

To tell the audience watching you tap-dance.

You do tap-dance?

It's worth telling your age.

Audiences are sentimental. They'll applaud.

It's in your best interest.

Be brave! How old?

Old enough to get applause.

It's chilly. I could use a cognac.

Let's go!

Follow me...

...on tiptoes!

Quiet!

Notify the control booth. Everyone's here.

Will you let me take pictures here?

No! Who let her in?

Move in, away from the door.

Where are the look-alikes? Come here!

Quiet, girls, go on up!

Pippo? Shall I put on my wig?

Why are you here?

To put this on.

Come, move over to square number eight.

The monk! Where's the monk?

Right here!

Stand by! I'll cue you.

Aurelio!

Don't break my balls! Go to hell!

Well, fuck you!

Merry Christmas!

Let's admit it, these magic words...

...take us all back to childhood...

...to that marvelous night...

...which brought us hope.

Someone in the star-studded skies...

...would listen to us and fulfill....

That's a great wig.

It gives you star quality.

I haven't worn it for years!

That man makes women pregnant with a look.

There he is.

He studied black magic in the Amazon.

So you get pregnant.

It's more practical, but something is lost.

Go ahead and look, I'm not in any danger.

Speaking of love, give a big hand...

...to a man who's truly in love.

Is this your fiancée?

There she is! She's very pretty!

Forgive me, but everyone's heart is touched...

...by your story. A priest...

...who shed his sacred cassock for a woman.

They're in love, and love overcomes...

...all obstacles.

Pippo, how do I look? All right?

Are you sure?

You're on after Mrs. Silvestri.

Yes, Silvestri. How do I know who she is?

You're in square six. Next, move down to square four.

Put it with mine, please.

Shall we ask them to kiss?

Go on, Reverend Valentino.

You have to give her a little kiss. Go on!

What more could you want?

He doesn't remember me. In Turin, during the war...

...he fought with the owner on my behalf...

...because he wouldn't pay me.

No smoking!

Good luck.

It was great seeing you again.

She was arrested several times in a number of jails.

You're saying, "What, arrested in a jail?"

But you see, my dear friends...

...Evelina Pollini went to jails...

...not as an inmate, but as a benefactress.

She'll tell us her story.

At 7 p.m., on October 28, several years ago...

...I was in the kitchen when I heard a voice...

...a mystical voice.

I don't think I caught that.

My fiancée says...

...that the heart never grows old.

Is this her first marriage?

You'll have two minutes. What'll you say?

I'm the manufacturer of edible panties, and he is...

...the inspired inventor.

Rehearse.

I made them in 11 fruit flavors...

...plus tuna and onion.

One hemisphere is peach, the other, apricot.

It's a matter of taste. The epicure chooses...

...bites...

...chews. We use only quality ingredients.

Once he's stimulated...

...he feels....

Eventually, we expect to add beneficial ingredients:

Vitamins, mineral salts.

The miracle monk...

...with Professor DeNittis...

...and his father superior.

Do sit down.

Thank you. Not there.

I'd rather stand.

Move them down!

Now you move from six to four...

...and you go to two.

This is two. Then we move over there.

Chin up!

Sometimes I ask myself what I'm doing here.

Then it feels like we never retired...

...we're in a new theater.

And you? Do you feel all right?

You can't smoke here. Be good!

Look, there's the little monk...

...the flying monk.

To know the truth, even evil can be a useful path.

In my town, there's a saint like him.

I always wear...

...his medal around my neck.

I'm a believer.

Knowing of your miraculous powers...

...on this holy day, I beg you...

...not to move mountains, but for a tiny miracle...

...which will open hearts...

...to the hope of life everlasting.

Why not? Perhaps we don't deserve it.

Everything in life is a miracle.

It's up to us...

...to discern it in all we survey.

We are not small enough...

...to understand the big things.

Good luck.

We received another message.

Due to a prolonged fast, the senator...

...is poised on the brink of no return.

As a result, Senator Tartina...

...finds himself in an extremely weakened condition...

...and cannot state in his own voice...

...the issue he has been...

...reiterating for years, and that is...

...the mandatory need for a law...

...abolishing all hunting and fishing.

Hunting is the fomenter...

...of man's aggressive instincts.

She says she smells...

...the odor of mint.

She's a funny girl!

It gives me the creeps.

Who are they?

Another gift from our show: Los Lilliputs...

...a group of 24 dancers. The tallest one is...

...16 inches high!

We are proud to present the tiniest dancers ever!

Quick, to the next square!

Wait here in silence.

How is he?

He's better.

You're on in 10 minutes.

I need some water for his heart medicine.

No, we didn't order it.

Is it for the admiral?

It's for me.

Heroic individuals have always existed.

I place in this category an obscure housewife...

...who agreed to experience...

...for pay, life without television for one month.

After signing a contract with us...

...our technical team...

...thoroughly sealed her set...

...and removed her antenna from the roof.

Her house was isolated...

...from any and all TV reception.

You're saying, "Impossible! I couldn't believe...

...such a person exists."

We present Pietruzza Silvestri!

Would you do it again?

Never again! Never again!

It was horrible!

We were paid a tidy sum...

...but that money is cursed!

It's not fair to do these things to poor people...

...especially when there are children and the elderly.

I have a hunch you've studied voice, correct?

Bravo, we're on your side!

Never again without TV!

Lombardoni roast piglet for a better Christmas.

I hope that you were joking before.

Because if you make a fool of yourself...

...I'm leaving, you dance alone. Understood?

Friends, come with me down memory lane.

Many of you remember...

...the war years, the blackouts, the fear.

That's us!

All of that returns to mind with a song!

Music that conjures up the memory...

...of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Our producers tracked down two former dancers...

...who performed in '40s variety shows.

Billed as "Ginger and Fred" ...

...they achieved fame imitating that famous team.

We are proud to present Ginger and Fred!

How old are...

...these two performers? I made a deal...

...with Ginger...

...not to tell you until after...

...you've seen them dance...

...in their marvelous tap routine. We are proud to present:

Don't move!

Stay where you are!

We'll go to an emergency generator!

You could fall, or trip over electric cables!

It's dangerous!

We're sorry, folks.

Please remain patiently in your seats at this time.

Will you come get me? I can't see.

You want me to fall?

If it were all like this, I'd watch this one!

The president?

What's the matter? Did you fall?

Whatever did we come here for?

We must be completely out of our minds.

Let's leave now...

...before the lights come back. Let's go that way.

Bend down.

What luck!

You fool!

You're completely irresponsible!

You fool.

Be careful, you'll fall!

They said it was dangerous!

I'll go look for Toto.

You could fall too, couldn't you?

All this darkness makes me dizzy.

Sit down...

...on my handkerchief.

My dress will wrinkle. I'll look terrible!

The lights aren't...

...coming back, because this whole outfit stinks.

A giant with feet of clay!

Besides, it could be a terrorist plot...

...an assault...

...and, boom, we blow up!

Let's go!

What a fantastic story it would make!

Think of the headline: "Separated for...

...thirty years, they meet again...

...to die together."

Nobody's moved by stories like that anymore.

And I wouldn't like it!

It's kind of nice here.

It's like a dream, far from reality.

You have no idea where you are.

Toto told you I flipped?

Who knows what possessed me after you left?

Separation anxiety, loneliness.

I swear I didn't know. I'd have come immediately.

What for?

We broke up, we weren't working anymore.

Only these lunatics could remember us.

We're phantoms.

We arise from the darkness and vanish...

...into darkness.

You're right.

I tell myself that I'm doing it for my little nephews...

...or for my friends, or on an impulse.

The truth is...

...I really wanted to see you again.

I was looking forward to seeing you too.

That's the signal to retreat. Let's go.

It's important to decipher the omens.

Maybe this escape....

Watch your step.

Videoholics!

We're sorry for this interruption...

...but surely it heightens the suspense.

Our show picks up where we left off.

The ship is about to sail, the whistle...

...blows, Ginger...

...rushes off.

In each other's arms...

...they swear never to part again.

The music, as seductive as the book for Francesca...

...enfolds the lovers, and they dance together again.

I'm pulling a blank.

Two steps, turn to the side and follow me.

Leg!

Swing me over!

Now what?

Oh, God, the cramp!

Are you hurt? Can we continue?

He wants to continue! A big hand!

Are you sure?

I feel like crying.

Put your arm down!

A feather up my nose.

I'm gonna sneeze!

Go, kids!

Pippo, we made it!

You were terrific!

Pippo! Amelia! Bravo! Bravo!

You have to move, you're in the way.

Bravo! You made me cry.

You were divine! Everyone says so.

Could you go for a plate of sausage and lentils?

My train leaves in 15 minutes...

...I can't keep you company.

Go ahead...

...you have an hour.

Longer, actually. I'm staying in Rome a few days.

Toto's putting me up. I got this idea.

That TV host makes a fortune. I'm better than he is.

Well, sure. Did you notify your wife?

I forgot to tell you.

She left me...years ago.

Are you Ginger?

May I have your autograph?

We saw you on television.

I saw you on TV.

Will you give me your autograph?

Thanks, friend!

You too.

For me too.

See that?

And our money?

I thought they would pay us right away.

They told me two or three weeks.

I'd have preferred tonight.

I can lend you the money, if you like.

You can pay me back...

...when it's convenient.

I want it, though.

I don't know how much it'll be...

...but remember, I want it back.

Forgive me, but...

...I don't like watching trains leave.

Then we'll say goodbye here. Write to me...

...or, listen, why not come visit me?

Really! Anytime...

...because...

...we won't have another opportunity to dance...

...you and I.

Well, then....

Kiss me goodbye, at least.

Amelia.

[ENGLISH]