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They say,
if you wanna tell a story right,

you gotta start
at the beginning.

Too far? Fine.

This is me, Harleen Quinzel.

When I was a kid,

my dad traded me
for a six-pack of beer.

But however many times
he tried to ditch me...

Daddy!

- ...I kept coming back.
- Ah!

Eventually,
he found me a new home.

The good sisters

of St. Bernadette's
taught me a lot.

But I was never
an establishment kinda gal.

All things considered,
I did good.

I even went to college.

Got my PhD.

Had my heart broken
once or twice.

Finding love,
it's not easy.

So I threw myself
into my work,

became a psychiatrist.

That's when I met him.

Mr. J. My Joker.

Oh, I fell hard.

Like out of a plane
without a parachute,

right in
your dumb fucking face

kinda hard.

I lost all sense
of who I was.

I only had eyes for Puddin'.

We all know the saying,

"Behind every successful man

there's a badass broad."

Well, that was me.

I was the brains
behind some of

- Mr. J's greatest stunts.
- Ha-ha!

Not that
he let anyone know it.

Puddin'?

I guess all good things
have to come to an end.

So...

...we broke up.

I handled it real mature.

But Mr. J was super
broke up about it.

I got an amazing new place
that was all mine.

It gave me the space
to really reflect

on the mistakes of my past.

I had to find
a new identity.

A new me.

It wasn't easy.

But after a while,
I even opened myself up

to the possibility
of new love.

Hi.

Hello, nice baby.

Here's the thing
about new love...

I take payment-in-kind.

...you have to feed it.

Soon enough,
I was back on my feet.

Ready to move on,
to make new friends.

She means fucking business!

- Oh, here we go!
- Whip me!

She has taken
a whip from the pivot,

catapulted to the high side!

Oh!

Yeah! Come on!

It was time for Gotham
to meet the new Harley Quinn,

so I really
put myself out there.

Ride that pole
like you ride your man!

God damn it.
Sit the fuck down.

What?

I said sit your skinny ass
down, you dumb slut.

Okay.

You broke my fucking legs!

Oh, boo-hoo.

What?

It's not a party without a little
drama, am I right?

Come on! Turn it up!

Shots on the house.

Call me dumb.
I have a PhD, motherfucker.

- Miss Quinn.
- Romy.

That was my driver.

Oh, whoops.

Well, I'm sure it was his fault.
Consider him fired.

Consider me grateful.

Especially since
I know you don't like me.

I agitate his already delicate
sense of mental equilibrium.

That and
his obsessive-compulsive need

to be
the center of attention.

Will your paramour
be joining us this evening?

Not tonight, Romy.
Not tonight.

Well, enjoy yourself,
Miss Quinn.

And do give
the Joker my best.

Okay, fine, so I hadn't

told people
about the breakup.

But you don't understand.

Find me a new driver.

Being Joker's girl
gave me immunity.

I could do whatever I wanted
to whoever I wanted,

and no one
ever dared to object.

And don't let him
give you shit, okay?

You have to
stick up for yourself.

Oh, please.
I give it a few days

before they're back together.

Even when I did
try and tell people,

they didn't believe me.

Come on.
She told me they're really

broken up this time.

Sure they are, Shell.

That's why she's still wearing
that tacky "J" necklace.

She is going to be running
right back into his arms

the minute
he snaps his fingers.

If not him,
the next closest alpha male

- with a pulse.
- Mmm-hmm.

Some people
just aren't born

- to stand on their own.
- Oh, girl,

- let's drink. Come on.
- All right.

I knew I needed to find

some way
to show the world

that I'd cut ties
with Mr. J for good.

Harley!

Some people have the Eiffel
Tower, or Olive Garden.

The Joker and I?

Our love bloomed in

a highly toxic
industrial processing plant.

And luckily for me,

I have all
my best ideas drunk.

I have the best idea!

The fuck? Hey! Hey!
Come back here!

This is
where it all began, Puddin'.

You motherfucker!

It was the closure
I needed.

A fresh start.

A chance to be
my own woman.

But I wasn't
the only dame in Gotham

looking for emancipation.

This is our story.

And I'm telling it,

so I'll start
where I fucking want.

Meet the cop.

I got 50
says it was turf war.

Not him.

Well, as always,
you're wrong, Munroe.

Her. Renee Montoya.

Raised on '80s cop shows,

she's always saying
cheesy shit like...

There was only one shooter.

Inside.

This guy shot out the glass.

Serrano.

Yo. Hey.

Have Ballistics
check for a bullet

in one of those parked cars.

Ten years ago,
she broke a career-making case.

- Did I stutter?
- Go ahead.

But her partner at the
time took all the credit.

So while he made captain,

she got stuck at detective
level with this idiot.

Okay, you think one guy
got all four?

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm just saying,
we got four dead bodies here, you know.

- One guy... Bullet holes.
- I'm trying to work.

I'm sorry. Go ahead and work.
Go ahead.

The shooter got close before drawing.
Six rounds.

Two for each of these three.

Yo, mind your debt.

I'm telling you.

That girl, Angelina,
she's a princess.

- Whoa. Hey.
- Look at this.

- Is it Halloween?
- Hey. How you doing?

And it wasn't about them.

It was all about this guy,
right here.

Do you know
who I am?

You fucking bitch.

And this arrow
through his throat...

She wanted him
to die slowly.

- She?
- We got a hair.

And he's got
a new assassin.

Who does?

Roman Beauvais Sionis.

Jesus Christ.

This is Montoya.
What the hell was that?

Shit.

Wow.

- Detective.
- Yep?

Found this necklace.

Holy shit.

Good work, Officer.

What is it?

Harley Quinn and
the Joker broke up.

What?

This was their spot.

She just publicly updated
her relationship status.

Harley Quinn just called
open season on herself.

She did not
think this one through.

Yeah, no shit
I didn't think it through.

I'm about to learn
that a lot of people

in this city want me dead.

And at the top of
that list is this guy.

Mr. Keo and his lovely
wife and daughter.

You kinda forced
my hand here.

Gotta say,
I'm a little disappointed.

I gave you a great pitch.
Didn't I?

And I thought... Shh!

I thought we could build
something beautiful together.

I thought we could
be family.

I'm gonna set you free.

Mmm...

What about her?

I think we can let her go.

I mean, this is a pretty loud
fucking shitshow of a message.

Baby. Aww.

Don't cry.

Thank you.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Is that a snot bubble?

- Ew. Gross.
- What?

Oh, I've changed my mind.
Peel it off.

No. No!

The wack
job with the penchant

for peeling faces
is Roman Sionis,

aka

Black Mask.

The fact that he wants me
dead hasn't yet hit my radar.

See, I was halfway across town,

hungover,
and thinking about breakfast.

Egg, bacon,
American cheese.

Soft, toasted buttered roll.

Just a dash
of hot sauce.

Not too much, Sal.

I wanna taste the cheese.

What a way to
start my new life.

With the perfect
egg sandwich.

Mmm!

You're a lifesaver, Sal.

And I'm good for the 75 cents, okay?
I promise.

That's all the money
I got in the world,

and it's so worth it.

I don't know if it's
the stray Armenian arm hair,

or the fact that
his cheese slices

are always six months
out of date,

but no one makes
an egg sandwich like Sal.

I mean it, Sal.
No one.

Freeze! Gotham PD.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yo! Police.

It had
been six short hours

since my little stunt
at Ace Chemicals

announced to the world

that Mr. J and I
were dunzo.

The immunity I'd enjoyed
for so long was gone.

Cops who never would've
dared come after me before

were suddenly doing this.

Ooh!

Freeze!

- And what's worse?
- Move!

Every person I ever
wronged now felt free

to come and
take their pound of flesh.

Turns out I wronged
a lot of people.

Come on, boy. Get him!

Oh...

Finally.

And then...

We're gonna
get through this, okay?

...tragedy struck.

It took losing
something I truly love

for me to see that
the target on my back

was bigger
than I thought.

Freeze.

With the walls
closing in around me,

I made a carefully calculated,

highly strategic move.

Fine. It was dumb luck.
But still...

That felt pretty great.

Sorry for busting in
on you like that,

but thanks
for the shortcut.

See ya. Oh!

There she is.

Harley Quinn.

Yeah?

I've waited
a long time for this.

You have?

Oh...

I haven't had breakfast yet.

What did I do to you?

Are you serious?

Look at my face.

Look at my face!

Oh...

That wasn't me.

But you dared him
to do it.

Yeah, but I dare
a lot of people

to do a lot of things, okay? Come on.
I'm not even with him anymore.

I know.

That means

there's no one here
to stop me.

- Right.
- You're gonna die, Quinn.

Ooh. A penny.

They're shooting arrows now?

Ah, crap.

Him, too?

Parley?

Fuck, Montoya,
you smell like a dead rat's asshole.

Not today, Simpson.

Hey, it's Detective Montoya.
Respect your elders.

I mean, your elderly.

You're only a few years
younger than me,

and you're still
behind that desk.

You wanna go there?

Come on. Empty your pockets.
All of it.

Cassandra Cain,
back already?

Thought by now you'd figure
out how not to get caught.

What? No comeback?

You all right?

You smell like shit.

Yo, Simpson.

Any clean clothes
in lost and found?

These are serious accusations,
Miss Montoya.

The Sionis family name
is on

half the museums and
schools in Gotham.

And that makes him
immune to the law, Captain?

Montoya's day is
going almost as badly as mine.

Remember the guy
who stole her promotion?

That's him.

He had four people killed
alone last night.

If Roman Sionis is
such a mastermind,

how'd he get fired
from his own fucking company?

The Janus Corporation is

his father's company,
thank you.

And by the way,
they cut him off.

Where does the DA's office
stand on all this?

To make
matters worse,

the assistant DA?
That's her ex.

The evidence that Sionis is
linked to these murders...

There's a shipment
coming in.

Drugs?

- A diamond.
- A diamond.

Wow, Montoya.
Should we call the Feds for backup?

Listen,
I had a source at the club.

His driver.

He said that Roman couldn't
stop talking about this thing.

And he said that
he overheard

something about
laser-encoding.

Now, I did some research.

I think
it's the Bertinelli diamond.

You remember the Bertinelli
massacre, right?

Quick history lesson.

Fifteen years ago,
one of the wealthiest

Mafia families in Gotham
was gunned down.

It was a power grab,
but the real target

was the Bertinellis'
super-secret

offshore bank accounts,

the details of which
were said to be encoded

in the atomic structure
of a 30-carat diamond.

The rock was lost.

And with it, the only key
to the Bertinelli fortune.

Which is exactly
why Roman Sionis

is trying to
get his hands on it.

That's what makes him
so dangerous.

He's already
building an army.

If he gets the diamond,

he'll have all the money
and connections

to bribe every single
judge and cop

he needs to get a
monopoly on the city.

You said you had
someone on the inside?

Yes. He's...

He's no longer
there, but...

So basically,
you have nothing.

You are trying to go after

one of the most litigious and
wealthiest families in Gotham,

and all you've got is
rumors and a hunch?

Well, you know,

the DA's office is building
a case against him, too.

Isn't that right,
Miss Yee?

Listen, if the DA
is willing to throw himself

out in front of this,
it's fine with me.

Captain, no.

Listen, Munroe, find me

some tangible connection
to Sionis, all right?

- Yes, sir.
- Wait, wait, wait. Captain.

This is my case, okay?

I've been working on this
for six months.

We need something that we
can actually use, Detective.

And, Miss Montoya,
we do have a dress code.

- Look, I'm sorry about that, but I...
- No.

That is my job
you are fucking with.

What is wrong
with you, Renee?

Me?
He gave my case away.

Oh, poor Renee.

Why don't you pour yourself a drink?
It's almost noon.

Wow.

Jesus. Who the fuck is this?
What?

Why the fuck haven't you

been picking up your phone?
We've got a situation.

What... What situation?

You didn't hear this
from me,

but you gotta find her
before someone else does.

She's got the diamond, and trust
me, Roman will kill her.

My diamond? Who?
Who's got it?

This kid.

She's a pickpocket.
Her name's Cassandra Cain.

Holy fuck.

Can I help you?

Why, yes.
Yes, you can.

I'm here to
report a terrible crime.

And what terrible crime
is that?

This one.

Hi, boys.

Meeting's over.

Run, piggy, run.

Where can I find
Cassandra Cain?

Hold up, hold up.
I'm telling this all wrong.

Let's rewind.

For you to understand
why me,

the cop,
and that dame on the toilet...

Her name's Cassandra Cain.

...are all looking for
this Cain character...

I gotta take you back
a few days,

to that night I got shitfaced
at the Black Mask Club.

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ This is a man's world ♪

This is Dinah Lance.

♪ But it would be nothing ♪

But she
prefers Black Canary.

♪ Nothing ♪

She's got a killer voice.

♪ Without a woman or a girl ♪

But there
was some other shit

going down that night.

...short notice like this.

I'm not talking
superficial partnerships.

I'm talking you and me
having each other's backs.

The Golden Lions can't just

wander into
Gotham National Bank.

I can.

Loans, liquidity, laundering.

Look, if you bring your boys
into the fold,

there are no limits to what
we could achieve together.

I'm building
something special.

I appreciate your offer,
Mr. Sionis.

But with all due respect,

the Golden Lions
are a family business.

Fuck family.
All due respect, but fuck that.

Family's a fucking illusion.

You know what my family gave me?
Nothing.

I know what everyone says.

"Here comes Roman Sionis.

He was handed life
on a silver spoon."

"Gin and tonics at 5:00."
"I'll have the duck."

Blah, blah, blah.
Fake fucking fucks.

But look at me now.

I've located
the Bertinelli diamond.

I'm about to own this city.

Not just the East End.

I am thinking big, baby.

And I want you there with me.

We could make
our own family.

Mr. Sionis,

the Golden Lions
have operated

in Gotham
for nearly 100 years.

We have no need
of your protection.

He's gonna
regret that.

Will you sleep on it?
Will you do that for me?

Run it by that
beautiful wife of yours,

and I'll come see you at the
docks, day after tomorrow.

Okay?

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ It would be nothing ♪

♪ Without a woman
or a girl ♪

Who's having a good time?
You are.

♪ Lost in the wilderness ♪

Food is good?

Do you need
any more cocktails?

♪ Lost in the bitterness ♪

Your good health.

♪ He's lost
in the loneliness ♪

♪ He's lost ♪

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ It wouldn't be nothing ♪

♪ Without a woman
or a girl ♪

Canary's been singing
at Roman's club for years.

Come on!

He calls
her his little bird,

and he's got her wrapped

right around
his fancy little finger.

Here you go, Canary.

Thank you.

How do you spell "mercenary"?

Merceninny...

Merceran?

Singer lady woman!

You're really, really good.

Yeah.

Know what a harlequin is?

Janky-ass clown
with bad eye makeup?

Oof!

Ouch!

A harlequin's role

is to serve.

An audience.

A master.

You know, a harlequin's
nothing without a master.

And no one gives two fucks
who we are beyond that.

Yeah, I don't know who
you think I am, lady,

but I'm not her.

Puddin' and I broke up.

I haven't told that
to anyone.

Yeah.

For good this time.

And for the first time
in a long time,

I'm all on my lonesome.

It's great.

Welcome to the club.

Thanks.

Hey, don't be lonesome.
How about another drink?

- Yes!
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- It's on me.

- Sure. Drinks!
- Hey, two shots.

Hey.

We're all good here.

- I don't wanna go home.
- Oh, no? No.

No.

Let me know
if you're gonna get sick.

Your chariot's arrived.
Oh, there you go.

Are we getting breakfast?

Hey, buddy,
I'm gonna need some help.

This is my friend.

I told you all about...

Hey, get the door, man.
I got her, I got her.

- There we go.
- Wait.

Isn't that Joker's girl?

Not anymore.

Got room
for one more?

Hey.

Huh?

I don't need your help.
I got this.

You got this?
You sure about that?

Yeah, no wonder
everyone hates you.

Uh...

You got this!

You motherfucker!

Whoo!

Well, well, well,
well, well, well.

Could that be
our little Miss Lance?

All these years,
I thought she was just

a pretty face
and a fine set of lungs.

Ooh.

Mr. Zsasz,
I've had an amazing idea.

That's my little bird.

Don't touch what you can't
afford, mister.

Shut up.

Oh, songbird.

You drive
as good as you fight?

Who's asking?

The boss.

You're getting promoted.

You're his new driver.

Huh. Thanks,
but I think I'm good

with the singing gig.

You'll be good
at the driving gig.

Be here tomorrow.
9:00 a.m. Sharp.

So,
that's how Canary got herself a job

driving around
Gotham's newest Godfather.

A position, I might add,
that wouldn't have been vacant

without the help
of yours truly.

Morning.

You're
the one who wanted the kid!

I never wanted her!

Let me guess. Parents?

Foster parents.

Right.

Sorry, kid.

Sorry about your face.

Shit, you do have something
on your face.

You should've seen
the other guy.

Uh...

I want

that kid out of
my fucking house!

You know, kid,
not every day is gonna be like this.

You just gotta
hang in there.

Get something to eat.

Stay outta that.
It's not worth it.

Don't
talk to me like that.

Canary spends the next week

settling in to her new job
as Roman's personal driver.

Ew. Okay.

What she didn't know

is that driving
Mr. Face-peely-pants

was gonna put her
right in the crosshairs

of my favorite little piggy.

Dinah Lance?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Renee Montoya,
detective with GCPD.

Your predecessor
and I had an arrangement.

Oh, really?

He told me
that there was

a shipment coming in.
A diamond.

A very special diamond.

Yeah, not interested, lady.
Thanks for the coffee.

Do you know
who you're working for?

You're damn right, I do.
He's the man who

gave me a job.
Took me off the streets.

Yeah, well, he's also
a very dangerous man.

A criminal. A murderer.

What would
your mother think of

you working for
a guy like that, huh?

You have
the same power she had.

Don't you think she
would want you to use it?

The hell do you know
about my mother?

Back in the day,
she used to help the GCPD.

- She was a good woman.
- Yeah.

She was
a damn good woman.

The kind of woman

who put everyone else's lives
before her own.

And when she was found
dead in the street,

where the fuck were you
and your boys in blue then?

Now you wanna come
and knock on my door

and ask me
to help you out

and make the same
mistake she did?

Yeah.
Good luck with that.

That's fair enough.

And I'm sorry
for your loss.

For the record,

that would never happen
on my watch.

The Sprang Bridge
Soldiers capituated.

"Capitulated."
Of course they did.

I told you that Keo scene
would send a message.

It sure did, boss.

It sure fucking did.

Crossbow Killer

struck again last night.

Rossi and four of his guys.

People don't kill people I
own without my permission.

Why doesn't this crossbow guy
know that?

- You know that!
- I know it.

Why doesn't this crossbow guy?

Why don't I own
the crossbow guy?

- You should own him.
- I mean, I like crossbows.

Oh, good morning.
Good morning.

- Morning.
- Come in. Come in.

We're just finishing up a little business.
Look around.

- You're late.
- It's fine.

Should she come back another
time, 'cause she's late?

No. Isn't this stunning?

That is a Chokwe mask.

I got it when I was embedded
with the Mbangani tribe

in Congo-Kinshasa.
Have you ever been?

- I've never been.
- Mmm.

I've heard it's beautiful.

- It's dirty.
- Oh...

Here, look at this.
Genuine tsantsa or shrunken head.

Shuar of Ecuador.

They're amazing people.
Surprisingly gentle.

- I think you might like them.
- Really?

Mmm. They boil the
heads of their enemies

and they make
these little fellas.

- Exquisite, aren't they? Look.
- Mmm-hmm.

Look at those little ears.
And his little haircut.

- Yeah, he's 1,000 years old.
- Wow.

And now he's just an
ornament in my living room.

- Ew! I love it.
- Yeah?

These are
ancient acupuncture models.

As you can see,
they have all the acupuncture points.

And we found these
buried in the mountains.

Ace Chemicals got blown
sky high last night.

All right, all right,

let's find the Crossbow Killer.
I get it.

Is he an acupuncture model,
too?

He is not
an acupuncture model.

This is a statue of me.

It was made by a very
famous Gotham artist...

Harley Quinn
did it.

Some kind of "fuck you"
to the Joker.

They split.

What's wrong with you,
Victor?

- Talk about burying the lede.
- Yeah.

This is spectacular news!

She doesn't belong to him,
she belongs to me.

Have the boys
go find her.

Round her up, bring her back.
I want her.

You, I have something
I want you to pick me up.

Something super-duper
important, okay?

- Okay.
- I'll go with you.

- Yeah, go with Victor.
- It's just a pickup.

No, he's harmless.

Do as you're told. Go.

All right.
We can go.

I'll take that.

Mr. S said for me
to hold on to it.

Go get your car.

That rock.
That rock's about to become the key

to whether or not
I live to

enjoy my newfound
independence.

Get off me.

What the hell
are you doing here?

You're not the only one
who makes money

off of dumb, rich,
white people.

Well, you know what?

One day you're gonna pick
the wrong pocket, sis.

Okay. Whatever.

Dumb-ass kids.

Excuse me. Sorry.

I really like your earrings.

Why, thank you.

There's the thief.
There's the thief.

Get off of me!

That little girl
took my watch.

I didn't do nothing.

Where the fuck's
the diamond?

I just fucking had it.

Cass!

Wait!

Wait, wait!

Halt!

Fuck!

In the
storytelling business,

this dummy
swallowing that diamond

is called a complication.

A complication I didn't
exactly need right now.

Parley?

We lost the diamond.

What?

We're really sorry, Mr. S.
This kid...

We never even
got our hands on it.

Ow!

Help!

Get out!
Get out of here!

You, too! Go!
With your fucking sage

stinking my place up.
Fuck off!

Here she is.

She's a child!

- Mr. Sionis.
- She's just a kid.

She's... What?

We have Harley Quinn
downstairs, as requested.

Fuck off! Get out.

Fucking out!

Fuck!
These are my things.

- This diamond is my things.
- Yes.

My things!

Fucking fuck!
I don't ask for much, do I?

- No.
- Why is this happening to me?

Why?

I'm gonna get
your diamond back.

I promise.

Why don't we go downstairs
and kill that Harley bitch?

Blow off a little steam.

Yeah, I have wanted to do
that for quite some time.

Okay.
I'll go get changed.

Shit, Cass.

I don't care what it
takes, I want my diamond back.

We're working on it.

Now, let's go have a little fun.

Harleen Quinzel.

Whoo!

Hiya, Romy.

Do you know why you're here?
Hmm?

When it comes to
me and Roman Sionis,

there are a lot of possible
answers to this question.

Breaking his driver's legs.

There's that time
I called it an "expresso."

Having a vagina in the first
place pisses this guy off.

Constantly interrupting him,
like I'm doing right now.

- You're here because...
- Oh, God, stop.

You're gonna do that
thing where you open up

a weird-ass case
of torture devices

while inexplicably
detailing your master plan

and how
I don't fit into it.

I'm building a better...

Seriously, you don't have to.
Really!

You're building
a criminal empire

because Daddy kicked
you out of Janus Corp.

And you think this is a big
"fuck you," but in actuality

it's a very misguided attempt
to win back his respect.

I get it. You're really not
as complicated as you think.

And you're really not as
clever as you think, because

- now I'm gonna slice your...
- Oh, Jesus Christmas.

Now you're gonna say
that you wanna kill me

to set an example.
Christ, you're boring.

- I wanna kill you...
- Shit.

...because without
the Joker around,

I can.

For all your noise
and bluster,

you're just
a silly little girl

with no one around
to protect her.

- Whoa. Wait.
- What?

- Don't kill me.
- Ha! Right.

No, no, no. Seriously. Romy, Roman.

Come on. There's gotta be something,

something we can figure out. Hey!

Wait, wait!
You lost something, right?

You lost something.
I heard you say it.

A diamond.

Yeah.

I can help you
find it.

Seriously.
Look in my pocket.

Other pocket.

I'm starting up
my own business.

See what it says?
Second from the bottom.

I know the East End
better than anybody.

You want this diamond back?
I'm your gal.

Mr. J once lost
a rare photograph

of a nude
Eleanor Roosevelt,

and I found it in a bird's
nest in Robinson Park.

If you let me go,

just for now,
I'll get you that rock back.

What have you got to lose?
If your boys find it first,

swear to God,
you can kill me later.

Pinky swear.
Cross my heart, hope to fart.

You're so tiresome!

If you want my mercy,

shut that hole in the middle
of your face and listen.

You're gonna
get me my diamond.

♪ A kiss on the hand
May be quite continental ♪

♪ But diamonds are
a girl's best friend ♪

♪ A kiss may be grand ♪

♪ But it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat ♪

♪ Or help you at the automat ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

I will be waiting.

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

The diamond.

♪ Diamonds ♪

Romy, Roman.

I will be waiting.

♪ But diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds are a girl's best ♪

I'll give you till midnight.

And then I'm gonna peel
off that pretty face

and pickle it.

Okay?

Call me
old-fashioned,

but I always thought
the guy

was meant to get
the girl a diamond.

I won't let you down, Romy.
I promise.

Let's make it
half a mil.

It's more fun
if she's got competition.

Send it to every
mercenary in Gotham.

Oh, hey, you're that
singer no one listens to.

Hey, you're the asshole
no one likes.

Jesus. Who the fuck is this?
What?

We've got a situation.

This kid,
she's got the diamond.

Her name's Cassandra Cain.

Holy fuck.

Where can I find
Cassandra Cain?

Okay.
Now we're good.

Cell seven.

Thanks, doll.
You're a peach.

Hey, I know that guy.

Access denied.
Access denied.

Access denied.
Access denied.

Access denied.
Access denied. Denied.

Denied. Denied. Denied.
Denied. Denied. Denied.

Hmm. Perfect.

Hold up,
hold up.

- Remember me?
- She stole my car!

- Harley Quinn.
- Hey, Quinn!

- Let us out, see what happens.
- Don't mind me, guys.

- You killed my chinchilla!
- Here for the kid.

What's up, girl?
You're the reason I'm in here!

Yeah, sorry about that.

You're dead!

I'm gonna kill
you, Quinn!

Hey, kid.

You're that psycho

- from the roller derby.
- Yeah, yeah.

Are you Cassandra Cain?

Yeah.

I need to know where...

Hold, please.

Harley...

Hmm.

I got you,
you little shit.

Who are you guys?

Go, go, go.

Keep the kid alive.

Mmm!

A little help.

Mmm...

Does she have
to keep running?

Roman,
you trustafarian fuckbag.

You!

You!

Step away
from the kid.

Drop it.

The phone?

Sure.

Mmm.

Whoa.

Oh, good.
You're awake.

Toss that for me, will ya?

What the fuck?

Who did I just blow up?

Either someone
who wants me dead,

or someone looking to collect

the half-million dollar reward
on your head.

Half a million dollars?

Yeah.

Do I look like I'm worth
half a million dollars?

- Not really.
- You've got the wrong kid.

Now, uncuff me.

Oh, sure.

As soon as you
give me the diamond.

What diamond?

Fuck you!

Look at me.

What?

I don't know
nothing about no diamond.

The inflection
in your voice,

the way you can't
hold eye contact,

and the fact that
you're a filthy little thief,

all suggest that you do.

Now, you can give it to
me, or I can give you

to the man
that diamond belongs to.

But trust me when I say,
you're not gonna like

what he's gonna
do to ya.

Now, hand it over.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

- Come again?
- I said I can't.

One more time.

- I can't give it to you.
- Why not?

Because I ate it, okay?

Yes.

What are we even doing here?

There are two ways that
diamond's coming outta ya.

This way,

or this way.

That's what I thought.

Also, I'm outta groceries.

So, how long you been
a mercenary?

Hey, where did you get...

You're so busy
looking at my right hand,

you haven't even
thought about my left.

Your left hand is
cuffed to mine.

I'll have
to learn that one.

Can we get this?

You're not gonna try to
run, are you?

Look, if there's really
a half mil on my head,

I figure
I'm better off with

the person who's not
gonna cut me open.

Fine. But if you try to
run, I will kill you.

I do not care
that you're a kid.

I saw that.

Seriously though,
how'd you get to be here?

I mean,
shopping at fancy-ass stores,

you're making bank,
you have your own business.

How'd you do it?
Come on, tell me.

Woman to woman.

Being a pickpocket's fine and
all, but I got real potential.

I mean,
how do I be like you?

Well, except for the crazy part.
But other than that.

Number one,
no one is like me.

If you wanted to
even come close,

you would have to
go to medical school.

Become a psychiatrist,
work in an asylum.

Fall in love
with your patient,

break said patient
out of said asylum.

Begin a life of crime.

Jump into a vat of chemicals
to prove yourself to a madman.

Get arrested
by the Batman.

Go back to jail,
get out of jail with a bomb on your neck.

Save the world, go back to
jail, and break out of jail

before breaking up
with the aforementioned madman

and going out
on your own.

Number two...

Six bucks for tap water

with a fucking cucumber stick
in it?

That's crazy.

I'm not shopping
at this store.

I'm robbing this store.

Consider this
your first lesson.

Paying is for dummies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Move it!

Whoops. Ah...

This is Doc's Place.
And this is Doc.

Lotus flower!

- Hiya, Doc. How are ya?
- Good.

He's the Taiwanese grandpa
I never had.

He knows everything
and everyone.

Nothing happens around here,
let me tell you,

without Doc
knowing about it.

And he happens to be
the only person

who actually cares
about me.

- I do?
- Yes, you do.

She's been ordering #32

with extra chili
for many years.

Lesson number two,

you always want
extra chili with #32.

So you don't
have to taste his cooking.

Lotus flower, you have to get
upstairs before someone sees.

Everyone's looking for you.
And you.

We know.

I'm telling you,
if you want boys to respect you,

you have to show them
that you're serious.

Blow something up.
Shoot someone.

Nothing gets a guy's
attention like violence.

Shut that door.
Lock it.

Keep your sticky paws
to yourself, okay?

This place...

Well, it ain't much,
but it's better than a prison cell.

...is so fucking dope.

Oh, shit.
Is that a hyena in a bathtub?

I named him Bruce after
that hunky Wayne guy.

He's my little dumpling,
aren't you?

Aren't you,
my little baby?

Aren't you, Brucey?
Yes.

I love you.

I never said that.
I love you both equally.

Who, that? It's Cass.

You're so pretty.

Who's this?

It's a beaver.

Hmm.

Does Brucey want a treat?
Does Brucey want a treat?

What's this?

It's art.
Don't touch.

He your
ex or something?

You don't know
who that is?

The Joker.

The Clown Prince of Crime?

My former partner
in madness?

The Harlequin of Hate?
The Jester of Genocide?

You've never heard of him?

Well, sounds like a dick.

Huh.

Milk.

I'm not going soft or
nothing, but I gotta admit,

it was kinda nice
having the kid around.

Give me a #32.
Mild.

Uh... Yeah, sure.

Who are you?

They call me...

H...

My bad.
I should've introduced you.

I'll make it quick.

Meet the daughter
of the richest,

most powerful Mafia don
in Gotham City.

Helena Bertinelli.

Yep, that Bertinelli.

One day,
she comes home to find

her whole family
in the living room.

Momma.

Anyone and everyone with
Bertinelli blood is there.

Oh, and that?
That's Stefano Galante.

The guy
making the play for

the Bertinelli
turf and fortune.

When one of the goons
finds the kid alive,

the big softy
sneaks her outta there

and hides her away in Sicily.

Where she is raised
by his own

father and brother.
Both assassins.

She spends the next 15 years
thinking only of revenge.

So, she starts training.

When she was ready,

and by "ready" I mean

a badass motherfucking
killing machine,

she moves back
to Gotham.

Starts working
on that kill list.

She has the murder stuff
down, but the rest?

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

Still a
work in progress.

Do you know who I am?

The Crossbow Killer.

They call me...

The Crossbow Killer.

They call me...

The Crossbow Killer?

They call me...

Huntress.

She calls herself Huntress.

Fucking fabulous,
if you ask me.

And who are you
looking for?

Great club.

Quinn got the girl.

And?

And they disappeared.

Fuck!

Fuck!

What is she laughing at?

Is she laughing at me?

She is.

No, she's not.
She's...

What are you laughing at,
Erika?

Roman, you gotta
hear this.

- It's hilarious.
- Get on the table.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

You're being a total kook.

Get on the fucking table.

This is my club.
Get up now.

- Okay.
- Now.

Whoa.

Now, dance.

Dance.
Dance, Erika!

Okay.

This dress
is fucking hideous.

Take it off.

Take your dress off.

Get up there and
fucking cut it off her.

Do it now!

Take her fucking dress off.

Just rip it off her.
Hurry up!

Hurry up!

- Fucking do it.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Do it.

Yeah. Beautiful.

You wouldn't betray me,
would you?

I was just
gonna go look for the girl.

Oh, no, no, no.
I want you to stay here with me.

I want you to stay here
with me close.

You soothe me,
little bird.

Oh, good.
You got it.

Did you trace the messages?

You stole evidence
from an active crime scene,

and then had it
sent to my office.

Renee, what were
you thinking?

Roman is the one that put
a price on the kid's head.

Okay? I had to.

I can't get into it
right now...

Renee, you need help.

What are you talking about?

She's right.

You are a good cop, Montoya,
but you've lost your way.

What?

I'm sorry.
Okay?

You gave me no choice.

- Did you sell me out?
- I'm sorry.

You're suspended.

Your badge
and your gun, now.

If you've ever
watched any cop movie ever,

you know that this is
when shit gets real.

What's the point
of the badge,

when it means
fuck all anyway?

Right, Captain?

No cop
ever gets anything done

until after they've
been suspended.

Which would've
had me worried,

only I had
more pressing concerns.

And that is why
you should never partake

in paying
federal income taxes.

Hey,
you'll ruin your nails.

Thank you.

Anyway, lesson 37.

Why...

You said
they wouldn't find us.

Chillax.
No one knows we're here.

Harleen Quinzel,
this is Gotham Police.

Okay.
So they know.

Let's scram.

Open the door.

Holy back door, Beavy.
This is getting outta hand.

Bruce, come here.

I can hear you!
Open the door.

What is that?

See you in hell, Harley!

Get under the table!

Bruce? Bruce!

Come here! No!

Bruce?

Come here, boy.
Bruce?

Bruce?

Bruce?

This doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense.
I don't understand.

No one knew
we were here.

No one knew we were
here, except...

Doc.

Oh, my God. Doc?

Doc? Where is he?

Doc?

I can't find Bruce.
I can't find him. I...

No.

I'm sorry, lotus flower.

You sold me out?

Too many people offering
me too much money.

I have enough now to
open up a new restaurant.

A really nice one.

But, Doc,

it's me.

It's just business.

This next
bit ain't very pretty.

- You're right.
- Harley?

He's right.

Business is business.

I've got the kid.

But I'm gonna need to

renegotiate
the terms of our deal.

If I hand her over,

I want everyone who's
after me to back off.

Quinn,
bring me the rock now

and I guarantee
your safety.

I own this town.
You'll have my protection.

Fine.

Meet me at Amusement Mile.
The Booby Trap. In one hour.

Quit judging.

Zsasz!

Come on, kid.

Let's get you
somewhere safe.

We got them.

Little bird!

You're gonna be
driving Mr. Zsasz tonight.

Go. Fetch. Amusement Mile.
The Booby Trap.

Do we have
to bring them back?

I think you can manage
a couple of little girls.

Just bring me back
my diamond.

What is it?

Nothing.

Pull over.

What?

Pull the fucking car
over now.

I gotta take a leak.

She betrayed you, boss.
She betrayed you.

Are you sure?

Your little bird's
a fucking rat.

You want me
to kill her?

No.

No. No.

I'll come to you.

I thought we were friends.
And you...

You saw what it's
like for me out there.

I didn't have a choice.

And if you go before he gets
here, everything will be fine.

Harley.

I'm sorry, kid. I am.

That was fast.

She's in...

Where's Cassandra Cain?

You? Again?

Are you drunk?

Come on.

Okay.

Right in the tit.

Where's Cassandra Cain?

Cass.

You killed my sandwich!

Bye-bye, birdie.

Ow!

No fair.

Was that really necessary?

You don't know her
like I do.

Cass?

Oh, thank God.

I'm gonna get you
outta here.

Did she really tape you

- to a damn toilet?
- Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

This is nice.

You're still conscious.

You can still feel?

Look at me.
Are you a good girl, now?

"I'm a good girl.
I'm a good girl."

I got one

for all the little birds

I helped fly away
from this world.

I'm saving
a special spot for you.

Right here.

You're gonna
have to be quiet.

- Ow!
- Hi.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, I know
where the diamond is.

Is that rock
still inside you?

Oh, God.

Stop.

The hell, Zsasz?

Cut her open.

Stop fucking around.

You heard me.

Cut her fucking open.

Okay. No, no. No, no, no.
See, she's just a kid.

You're a filthy
fucking rat.

I'm a rat?

I knew you couldn't be trusted.
Roman's little bird.

You little fucking bird.

That's why he needs me
to look out for him.

That's why he needs me
to take care of him.

You know you're just
being paranoid, Zsasz.

- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

Prove it to me.

Rip open
her little tummy.

Yeah,
that's not gonna happen.

Now! Rip it open!

You piece of shit!

Freeze!

Don't fucking move.

Who the fuck are you?

Go get the kid.

All right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Back the fuck up!

- Get away from me. All of you.
- Put that shit down.

Shoot them, kid.

You, put that stupid-ass
Robin Hood piece of shit down!

- Cass, it's okay. Just calm...
- Don't move!

Okay.

I don't know what
the fuck is going on.

But I know
that this shit stick...

...just tried to gut me.

And you.

Thought you were different.

I'm sorry, kid.

I'm just a terrible person,
I guess.

Ooh!

Ooh, I'm back.

Okay, I feel like
I've just walked in on

something I don't
give two shits about.

This guy's dead,
so I'm just

gonna get outta your hair. Cool?

No. Wait. She's lying.
She works for Sionis.

Excuse me?
I work for Sionis?

I'm not letting you
sell the kid to him.

I wasn't going
to sell the kid.

I was going
to trade the kid.

Yeah. To save your own stupid skin.
Huh?

I'm not proud
of what I did,

but I had
half the city after me.

Even the fucking
Crossbow Killer.

I'm not
the Crossbow Killer!

Whoa.

They call me...

Helena Bertinelli.

For fuck's sake.

As in
the Bertinelli massacre?

Sheesh kebab.
That is childhood trauma, right there.

I killed Galante.

I killed his firing squad.

I killed Victor Zsasz.

And now I'm done.

Bravo.

So if you don't mind,
I'm gonna leave now.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

I hate to be the one
to break it to you,

sweetheart,
but you are not done.

Who do you think funded

Galante's little
power grab, huh?

Galante was
working with Sionis.

Roman killed your whole
family looking for that rock.

You don't think
he's gonna kill this kid?

That diamond is our only
chance of stopping him.

You guys.

Hey, I think
you should see this.

Oh.

It's Sionis.

We're fucked.

He bought himself an army.

They're all here for me.

Aren't they?

- No.
- They're not?

No, they're not.

Do you know
what that means?

That means he's not just
after the kid anymore.

He's after all of us.

He's sure as hell after me.
I just robbed him.

You just betrayed him.
You just killed his BFF.

And you're dumb enough

to be building
a case against him.

So, unless we all wanna
die very unpleasant deaths

and let Roman
go finger-fishing

in the kid's intestinal tract,

we're gonna have
to work together.

With you?

Yeah.

We're gonna work together,

and we'll get outta here
in one piece, okay?

Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Sure.

Yes!

But we are gonna need
some serious hardware.

Mmm-hmm.

Will this do?

No.

Not at all.

We're dead.
We're fucking dead.

That slimy jizznozzle!
I can't believe

- he took it all!
- We're fucked.

- Fuck!
- Uh, there's this.

Okay.

Friends,
brothers, men of Gotham.

I have funded you.
I've protected you.

I've scratched your backs
and kept you outta jail.

Well, now it's time
to say thank you.

Go show those little bitches

you don't mess
with Roman Sionis.

Half a mil to whoever
brings me the girl alive.

The rest you can kill.

Dope.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not that one.

Sentimental value.
Try this.

You're kidding.

What?
Gotta take care of the girls.

Isn't this fun?
It's just like a sleepover.

We should order pizza.
Make cosmos.

- Harley, focus. Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, nice.
What the hell is up

with this bow
and arrow shtick?

It's not a fucking
bow and arrow.

It's a crossbow.
I'm not 12.

I love this chick.
She's got rage issues.

I don't have rage issues.

You know,
psychologically speaking,

vengeance rarely brings
the catharsis we hope for.

Yeah.

Are we ready?
Bad guys, just outside.

Shit. Get down.

Down here!

Cass!

- Follow me!
- Go, go, go, go!

Go!

Holy shit!

What?

You are so cool.

Okay. This way.

Get ready, ladies.

Don't worry.
You're gonna make it.

Okay? Okay.

What the...
Go! Go, go, go!

Fuck.

Shit.

Whoa. Shit!

Motherfucker.

Let me go!

Gotcha.

This way!

Come on. Come on.
It's okay. Come on.

You shouldn't
have to see this.

Here, hold on to this
for me, okay?

That's all you think about.

Just close your eyes
and hold it tight. Okay?

Here. Get down. Come on.
You'll be safe.

Canary!

You okay?

We gotta go this way!

Ugh. More?

When the fuck did she have
time to do a shoe change?

Come on.

Thanks.

Duck!

- Hair tie?
- Yeah.

Ah, fuck!

I got him!

Get back here, kid!

Who's got the kid?

Get down!

Please, no more.

So, forgive me yet?

Get off me.

Anyone else hungry?
I know a great taco spot.

- I'm starving.
- I love tacos.

Really?

Down! Get down!

You're okay.
You're okay.

Just breathe. Just breathe.
Let me check it.

Get off!

I got you.

Ooh!

Aren't you glad you wore that?
Sexy and bulletproof.

Harley! No!
Get off me!

Harley!

They got the kid.
Shit!

We can't let them get her.
I trust you.

- One bullet?
- Please help me!

Has anyone
got any bullets?

Fuck. I'm out.

I can't get out there.
I just need to get through.

- We gotta go. We gotta move.
- Shit.

Guys, they're in the car.

They're getting away.

- Get in there!
- Get off!

Shit! I'm out.

Guys, come on.
They're closing in.

Canary, you know
what you have to do!

Cover your ears!
You better get her back.

Told ya she had
a killer voice.

Need a ride?

Get her!

Oh!

Whip me!

What?

- Whip me!
- Okay.

Kid!

Harley!

Shoot her!

Harley!

Hit the brakes!

No!

Uh-oh.

Kid!

Harley!

Well,
we always did share

a love of the dramatic.

Didn't we?

And look at us now.

But don't you see?
You're trying to kill me.

I'm the only one
who can protect you!

You know you can't
stand on your own, Quinn.

You're not the type!

But me?
You need me!

Here's the thing,
Romy baby.

Your protection is
based on the fact

that people
are scared of you.

Just like
they're scared of Mr. J.

But I'm the one
they should be scared of.

Not you, and not Mr. J.

'Cause
I'm Harley fucking Quinn.

Shit.

That was super embarrassing.

Hmm. Sure was.

You think you can beat me?
You're a fucking moron.

I'm sorry, kid.

And I'm sorry
I tried to sell you.

That was a dick move.

For what it's worth,

you made me want to be
a less terrible person.

Ew.

If we're apologizing for shit,
I should tell you something.

Excuse me!

I stole something from you.

You slippery-fingered
little turd.

I took your ring.

My ring?

Dope.

Cass! Harley!

We're okay.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- He's gone?
- Mmm-hmm.

Good. Fuck that guy.

Yeah. Tacos?

No, but seriously.

You were very impressive
with that bow.

Very impressive.

It's a crossbow.

I appreciate that.
Thank you.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Morning margaritas!

Thank you. I got you.

- You drink, right, kid?
- Yeah.

I don't think so.

And I love that fucking
name, Huntress.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, great name.

Wow.

Um... I really like
how you were able

to kick so high
in those tight pants.

- Yeah, that is cool.
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Oh, um...

Thanks for the car.

You're welcome.

Kid, if that burrito
doesn't make you shit,

I don't know what will.

Give me a minute.

Yes!

Right.

I've given her prune
juice, laxatives.

I mean, the kid's got
a stomach made of steel.

And you know what?
I owe you an apology.

Me?

I underestimated you.
And I'm sorry.

I'm used to it.

Uh, Harley!
Bring the colander.

Ladies.

Have fun with that.

So, what now?

Sionis is gone,
but it's just

a matter of time
before some other asshole

tries to finish
what he started.

Right.

We gotta clean this city
from the inside out.

Does she always talk like
the cop in a bad '80s movie,

or is that just me?

Fuck you.
And fuck you.

What?

I mean,
we were amazing there.

Yeah! Hell yeah!

I agree completely.
So I'll do that, as well.

Thank you.

Right.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa!

She stole my fucking car!

What?

I'm sorry.

I know
what you're thinking.

You think I'm a dick
after all that.

But you heard what the cop said.
Sionis is gone.

And those guys?
They're gonna be just fine.

Montoya's boss picked up

the gangbangers
at the Booby Trap.

And took all the credit
while he was at it.

Again.

It was the kick in
the balls she needed

to see that she had
nothing to prove

to those blowhard assholes.

She quit the same day.

We got the secret bank codes
off the diamond.

And Huntress
got her family money back.

She's using it to fund

a little
crime-fighting outfit.

They call themselves
the Birds of Prey.

I call them
dorky little do-gooders.

The rock itself was worth
a chunk of change,

so I pawned it.

And I invested the cash
in a little startup

making waves
in the East End.

Oh! And I found Bruce.

He was wandering
around Chinatown.

I guess it proves the theory

that hyenas
really do have nine lives.

Yeah, yeah.
I made the kid my apprentice.

Call me a softy.

I dare ya.

Mmm!

Are you dummies
still sitting there?

Fine. Since you
stuck it out this long,

I'll tell you
a super-duper secret secret.

But you can't
tell anyone.

Okay.
Did you know that Batman...

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