All language subtitles for The.Jerky.Boys.1995.English

Hey, silly ass.
[ Whistles ]

Yo, I'm talkin' to you. Where the hell
do you think you're goin', buddy ?

Come back, Shane.

[ Reporter ] Detective, do you
have a statement for the press ?

Is it true the suspects are
connected to Frank Rizzo ?

Get back. Out of the way. At&t and the
psychic friends network are involved--

will you go for
the death penalty ?

[ Reporter ] Is there any connection
to the loch ness monster ?

What is the meaning
of "sizzle-chest" ?

...incriminating taped telephone
conversations have surfaced ?

Get out of my face !

So you think you boys
are about ready to talk ?

[ Lisping voice ] Ooh, talk ?
What are you, crazy ?

[ Bengali accent ] What do
you want to talk about ?

[ Jewish accent ] Don't bother me.
I got warts on my ass.

- [ Old man's voice ] Uncle Freddy's dead ?
- Cut the crap !

Ow !
Ow !

Let me introduce myself.

Name's worzic,
NYPD bunco division.

Now you two have caused a helluva
heap of trouble around this town,

and I think it's about time
we had a little talk about it.

We didn't do nothin'. Yeah, it's
just a big misunderstandin'.

We can explain everything.
All right, you do that.

I got all the time
in the world.

I guess it all started
when we was kids.

Yeah, we were always
playin' pranks.

[ Ringing ]

Hello, Weir residence.

[ Boy ] Yeah, is this the
home of Brett Weir ?

Well, yes, it is.
I'm his mother.

This is the super across the way, and
I'm very angry at that little jerk.

He's always causin' me
problems over here.

Uh, no. My Brett ? No. Why, he's
a perfect little angel at home.

He knows what I'm talkin' about.
That little

shithead comes around
here every day--

spittin', cussin' and
stealin' my mother's drawers.

I've seen the fruity little bastard
runnin' around in the street...

With 'em wrapped
around his head.

My Brett is spitting,
cursing and stealing ?

And he's wrapping what
around his head ?

Brett ! Brett !
Come here this instant !

Get over here !
Ahh ! What'd I do ?

What did you do ? Spitting,
cursing, stealing !

Is that the way I raised you ? And what
have you been wrapping around your head ?

You fruity little bastard !

Get in here ! Get in here, i said.
I'm gonna

beat the living
daylights out of you !

- He wet his pants.
- Johnny !

All right, come on. Come on. Get
over there, you two hell-raisers.

Mom ! Let go ! All right, sit down.
You too.

Now, Johnny, I wanna know
right now; What did you

do to get that nice boy
Brett Weir in trouble ?

- We didn't do nothin', ma.
- Up.

- [ Johnny grunts ]
- Don't lie to me.

- Now, who's your new friend ?
- That's kamal.

Hello, kamal. Let that
be a lesson to you too.

Come on, ma.
We were just goofin'.

Everything's a joke to you boys, right ?
If you don't wise up,

you're gonna end up a couple of bums
sittin' around here with no jobs...

Still livin' with
your mothers in 20 years.

So what do you wanna do today ?
Ow.

What ? What are you lookin' at me for ?
I don't know.

I got an idea.

Watch this.

[ Rings ]

Our lady of sorrows,
front desk.

Wahh. Hey, lady,
you gotta help me.

What is
the problem, sir ?

Oh, I got hemorrhoids bad. My
ass is killing me. I need help.

Sir, I'd appreciate it if you'd
use the proper terminology.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm really
in a lot of pain, though.

Look, how do you cure this ? What do you
do ? Do you jag me ? Do you poke at me ?

Do you beat these things off
with a stick ?

We usually apply medication
to the affected area.

Oh ! Oh, boy,
that sounds nice.

Would you be doing that, honey-pants ?
No, a doctor would do that.

One time I had this doctor,
and he put me under,

and I knew somethin' was wrong, 'cause when
I woke up, i had a big red chancre on me,

which tells me that
somethin' was wrong.

He must've been touchin' my ass
or somethin' when I was under.

Sir, would you please use
the proper terminology ?

You know, when I was a boy, i would like
to always play with these big pink pigs...

And lay around with them, but they would
always kick me right up inside my ass.

You think that this could have
gave my ass all these problems ?

Sir, I don't know. Lady, I'm in so
much pain. I'm dyin' over here.

[ Mock sobbing ] This is
tearin' the ass out of me.

- Johnny !
- Whoa.

You promised me you were
gonna look for a job today.

What are you doin' still
sittin' around the house ?

There's nothin' out there. There's nothin'
goin' on-- no construction, no nothin'.

Well, how come is it when i talk to the
other mothers in this neighborhood,

all their sons have jobs ?

I bumped into Fran Weir. She
tells me Brett is doin' so good.

He bought himself a lovely place
over there on ditmars boulevard.

Well, we supposed to be impressed with
that ? Huh, I'd like to punch that guy.

- Hey ! You ! Cut it out.
- Ooh ! Ah !

Brett is a very nice,
hardworking boy.

I wish the two of you
were more like Brett Weir.

Hey, come on. It's not
like we never had jobs.

What about the Mason job
we had a ways back ?

Hey, you two. Johnny and kamal. Get back
to work ! We got a job to finish here !

Oh, what, are you tryin'
to get me, sweetie-cakes ?

Goddamn it, Johnny, cut the
bullshit, huh ? Oh, yeah ?

Why don't you come up here and show me
your toolbox ? We can go up on the bridge.

And I'll throw you off head first.
You'll do a fuckin' sailor dive.

And then I'll join in
with you down in the water,

and I'll rub all seaweed all over
your ass and your neck and shit.

Ooh, we'll have a good time.
That's it, you two. You're fired !

That guy fired us
for no reason.

Well, maybe you should try
another career choice.

- We did that too. - [ Man ] We'd
like three gorgeburgers with cheese,

two orders of frizzy fries
and a small lemonade.

Okay, great. Spicy-hot, lamby-nipple
chops with minty-pickled sour sauce.

We just wanna order
some hamburgers.

Oh, god, my mother,
she woke me up today.

She threw a pan of hot grease all over
my chest and my ass and genitals.

And I fell down the stairs
and my shoes fell off.

What does that have
to do with anything ?

Because I can't see,
damn it, you son of a bitch.

- Let me speak to your manager !
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just a minute.

Boy, can you believe
this guy ?

Yeah, burger Bob. Give me your
fuckin' order there, tough guy.

Johnny, you gotta be able to keep
a job for more than one day.

I just ain't cut out for a job
where I have a boss.

Maybe you just
don't care, Johnny.

At least if you had a job, you could spare
your poor old mother the embarrassment...

Of a son
who's a lazy bum.

Come on, ma. What are
you gonna get like that ?

Huh ? What's the matter ? Come on.
Don't be like that, ma.

Oh ! And stop screwin'
around on that telephone.

And go look for a job.

Man, all this poundin' the
pavement got me thirsty.

When you're right, you're right.
Let's hit Mickey's.

Hey, what do you say there,
uncle Fred ?

Stay away from me,
you bastards.

Come on, pappy.
What's the beef ?

If this were the old days,
you would bow to my feet...

To show your respect.

- [ Laughing ] Yeah.
- And if you did not,

a hundred men
would come to kill you.

See you later,
uncle Freddy.

Good thing this ain't the old days.
You got that right.

Hey, whose uncle is he, anyway ?
Ah, who gives a rat's ass ?

- You guys got cash ?
- Hey, Mickey, you know we're good for it.

- How long you known us now ?
- Long enough

to know that you deadbeats
owe me 688 bucks.

Eh, Mickey, you know, just hit a
bit of a slump, you know ? Hmm ?

Yeah, man. Come on.
No, no, no.

I can't carry you guys no more.
I got troubles of my own.

I can barely keep that front door
open with the paying customers.

Man, this neighborhood's really
goin' to hell, you know that ?

Come on.
Yeah. All right.

Hey, hey, hey ! Johnny boy.
Kamal !

Yeah, Brett Weir. How you doin' ?
I'm doin' perfect.

Things couldn't be better. How 'bout you
guys ? Yeah, we were just leavin', man.

No, wait. Stay.
Let me buy you a beer.

No, no. No, come on.
Let me do this.

There they are.
There you go, fellas.

Come on.
Let's drink up, huh ?

That's great, Brett.
Really appreciate that.

Come on. It's the least I
can do for a couple of

guys from the neighborhood
down on their luck.

I mean, with things
goin' so good for me.

I just acquired myself
a brownstone up there

on ditmars boulevard.
It's beautiful.

- We heard. - I can get into any
nightclub, any night of the week.

No questions asked. It's connections, boy.
Look, you gotta have connections.

- So, what do you say you hook me
and Johnny up ? - [ Coughing ]

Listen, fellas,
i mean, uh--

look, my boy Tony don't do
favors for just anybody.

- He's a very busy man. - You just
said you were tight with this guy.

I am tight with him. I see him
all the time over at lizardi's.

That's our hangout. Then he'd know
you by name there, too, right ?

Of course he'd know me by name.
The two of us, we're like this.

You and him
are like this ?

Ha-ha ! Man. Brett Weir hangin'
out with the big shots.

Well, I don't like to talk, but,
uh-- look, I'm sorry, fellas.

All right ? I can't
come through on this.

[ Beeping ] Holy mackerel !
Look at the time.

Uh, listen, I got some
business I gotta attend to.

Really great
seein' you guys again.

It just takes me back.
Mickey !

Take care of
these guys, huh ?

Little fuckin' jackass.

I think we got
a little call to make.

[ Phone ringing ]

So I'm kickin' him, and I'm
kickin' him, all over the floor,

and he's tryin' to hold
his teeth in, you know ?

Meanwhile, his girlfriend
is screamin', and

she's throwin' a tantrum,
and she's goin'...

"I'm gonna get you,
Tony scarboni."

So I looks down at the guy, and I
say, "marone, I feel sorry for you.

You gotta go home
to that yappin' mouth."

[ All laughing ]

Hey, butch,
pass me that salt.

- Yeah.
- Is Tony there ?

Who's callin' ? Yeah, hi. We're
friends of a friend of his.

You know, uh, Brett Weir ?
Hold on.

Some kid. Says Brett Weir
told him to call.

Who the hell's Brett Weir ?

He's that new kid, remember ? Got him
workin' down on steinway street.

Tell him to go
fuck himself.

[ Laughing ]
Hey, kid, you there ?

- Uh, yes.
- Go fuck yourself.

What'd he say ? Told
me to go fuck myself.

I gave him Brett Weir's
name and everything.

Get out of the way. You don't
know how to talk to these people.

He's layin' there,

and he's got blood squirtin' out of
his eye sockets like a garden hose.

And he's goin'
"please, Tony, please."

So I says to him, "you should've thought
of that before you spilt that drink."

[ Phone ringing ]

- Yeah.
- Yeah, put Tony on. Is he there ?

- Yeah. Who's callin' ?
- Look, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.

You don't need to talk to me ? Who the
hell is this ? Get me Tony, I said !

- Okay. Hold on.
- I'm eatin' my lunch. Who is it ?

I don't know. He wouldn't say.
He sounds pretty pissed off.

Give me that.

Yeah, this is scarboni.
Who am I talkin' to ?

Hey there, tough guy. This
is Frank Rizzo. Who ?

Frank Rizzo. Open your
fuckin' ears, jackass.

- Who the hell's Frank Rizzo ?
- Frank Rizzo ?

- Frank Rizzo ?
- Rizzo ? Frank Rizzo ?

I don't know, boss.

Am I supposed
to know you, Mr. Rizzo ?

Ah, maybe it's better you
don't there, beefy tits,

'cause you'd be shittin' in your
fuckin' pants if you did, pal.

- Oh, yeah ? - Yeah. Now look,
sizzle-chest, i got a couple of guys.

They're in town from Chicago. They
just did a job for me, beautiful job.

These guys are the best. I had to get
'em out of the area. Frank Rizzo.

This might be something. Run the name
by our boys in Chicago. Right, chief.

[ Johnny ] Show 'em a good time.
Take 'em out. Paint up the town.

Paint each other up.
You know. Yeah.

Give 'em the first-class
treatment, the whole nine yards.

Yeah, well, I gotta talk to my boss
before I can arrange somethin' like that.

I mean, will he know you, Mr. Rizzo ?
'Cause, uh, i don't know you.

Hey, he knows who the fuck i am. He met me
through Mario, back in the old days there.

And you can tell that fruity-ass bastard
that if he wants to make nice with me,

he'll have a car on the
corner of fresh pond

and Dawkins tomorrow
night for my guys.

I don't think you should
talk about my boss like that.

Hey, I'll talk about that
little jerk any way I want to,

and don't make me come down there
for you, either, tough guy.

Last guy that got cute with me, I fired
him down five flights of stairs,

split his fuckin' head;
Outta here !

Whoa. Whoa, let's not go crazy.
I said I'll talk to the boss.

If he gives me the okay, we'll take
care of your boys, all right ?

Ah, god bless you there, sweetie-pants.
'Preciate any help you can give me.

Say your prayers there,
liver-lips.

Looks like we're goin' out on the town.
All right !

Tony, you all right ?

We gotta go see the boss.

Hey, boss.
[ Snoring ]

Boss.
What happened ?

I thought you might wanna know. I got
a call from this guy, real pushy.

Said he had a couple
of guys in town from

Chicago and wanted me to
show 'em a good time.

What was his name ? Frank Rizzo.
Said he knew you.

Frank Rizzo ? I don't
know any Frank Rizzo.

He said he knew you from the
old days, through Mario.

Mario ? Which Mario ? There's 400 marios.
I don't know.

You know, he was insultin' you. He
was callin' you all kinds of names.

He was insulting me ?
Yeah.

- What'd he call me ?
- Oh, you don't wanna know.

Hey, don't tell me
what I don't wanna know.

I tell you what I don't wanna know, and
I tell you when I don't wanna know it.

He called you
"fruity-ass."

- He called me what ?
- Fruity-ass.

He called me a-a-a fruity-ass ?
What the hell is a fruity-ass ?

Hey, I was gonna go bust
his balls, you know ?

But I thought i better
check with you first.

Did he say what his guys
are doin' in town ?

He said they just pulled a job for him,
and he had to get 'em out of the area.

Frank Rizzo.

Frank Rizzo, Frank Rizzo.

Frank ri-- wasn't there a Frank Rizzo that
pulled that birthday party massacre ?

Oh, that thing at the kid's birthday party
where they knocked off the carbone family.

Yeah, that's right. They got this crazy
clown to come in with this weird outfit.

He was doin' back flips and screamin' like
a chicken and throwin' fire bombs around,

and when the smoke
cleared, the whole carbone

family's plastered
up against the wall.

They had to scrape 'em off
with a spatula.

Never liked clowns.
Hmm.

If this is that guy, these boys
are not in town for nothin'.

What do you want me
to do, boss ?

Feel 'em out.
See what they have to say.

Tell 'em to have this guy
Rizzo contact me directly.

Meanwhile I'll make
some telephone calls.

- I'll see if anybody knows who he is.
- You got it.

Hey. Be careful.

We don't know what
we're up against here.

♪♪ [ Hard rock ]

Huh ? This is
the way to go.

Hey, man, let's give it up.
They ain't gonna

show up. Relax. We
got plenty of time.

♪♪ [ Continues, indistinct ]

Oh, check it out. Ba-da-boom.
Huh ? Huh ?

Ho. Out of sight.
What'd I tell ya ?

Huh ? Come on. Get in there.
Let's go.

♪ Well, I just want
to give you some ♪

♪ well, I just want ♪

♪ want to want you
just gimme some ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
let's mingle ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
live well ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
well, come together now ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
yeah, let it swell ♪

Look sharp there,
barrel-ass.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

This way, sir.

There you go, mack.

♪♪ [ Fades ]

[ Crowd chatter ]

Those are the big shots
from Chicago ?

They look like a couple
of lowlifes from queens.

So, if somebody crosses you,
you just kill 'em ?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
little lady.

In my business, you know,
we don't "kill." We whack.

-Hey, look who it is. -I can't wait to tell
the girls i was out with a real whacker.

Jerky little prick.
Gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself.
My name's Tony scarboni.

That's great, Tony. How about gettin' us
a couple of drinks at the bar up there ?

Mr. scarboni's not your waiter.
He is your host.

That's all right, geno. Sonny, get
a couple of drinks here, huh ?

So, you're Rizzo's boys
from Chicago, right ?

- Yeah, that's right. - Well, maybe you
can give us small-timers a few pointers.

What do you do ? Run numbers ?
Protection ? What ?

Both. We protect the numbers.

- You protect the numbers ?
- We're silly like that. Silly.

Yeah, couple of clowns,
we are.

Couple of clowns.
[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

Couple of clowns.
Yeah.

By the way, my boss would very much
like to hear from Rizzo personally,

so, if you can pass that along for
me, I would really appreciate it.

- [ Kamal ] Diaper service ?
- Very clever.

Here you go, guys.

That's more like it.

Look... boys,
enjoy the show.

If there's anything I can do to make you
more comfortable, you just let me know.

As a matter of fact, there is.

See that little pipsqueak
in the back there ?

- What, the kid over there ? - Yeah,
that's him, the skinny little prick.

- He's gettin' on my fuckin' nerves.
- Geno, Sonny, take care of him.

No problem.
Salute.

[ Giggling ]
Hey, Weir.

Hey, hey, hey ! These are
a couple of my boys.

Uh, this is, uh, geno and Sonny.
Say hello.

Oh ! Are you guys
whackers too ?

Yeah, honey.
Hey ! Hey, wait a minute !

What are you doin' ? What're you
guys doin' ? Wait a minute !

Call 'em off ! Hey !
Get your hands off me !

Hey, man. [ Weir
] Wait a minute !

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I was born
long ago ♪

♪ I'm the chosen
I'm the one ♪

Oh ! You're breakin' my arm !
Oh ! Ow ! ♪ I have come ♪

Oh !
♪ to save the day ♪

♪ and I won't quit
until I'm done ♪

♪ and that is why
we've got to try ♪

♪ we've got to believe
and have some fun ♪

♪ no, I'm not payin'
i play this game ♪

♪ and I won't quit
until I'm done ♪

♪ but what I really
want to know is ♪

♪ are you gonna go my way ♪

♪ and I've got to
got to know ♪

[ Choking ]

[ Johnny ] Stay still !
Stay still, you idiot.

Come on ! Come on !

[ Choking stops ] ♪ I don't
know why we have to try ♪

What the fuck
is wrong with you ?

♪ Guess we must leave
and get undone ♪

♪ we have to love and rub a
dub ♪ [ Women screaming ]

♪ We've got to dance
and fall in love ♪

♪ but what I really
want to know is ♪

Hey, boss, you think those guys are
goodfellas ? ♪ are you gonna go my way ♪

I don't know, geno. Not much in the
style department, ♪ and I've got to ♪

But the boss tells me these guys
are bloodthirsty. ♪ got to know ♪

[ Jones ]
♪ yeah ♪♪

Frank Rizzo.
Frank Rizzo.

Who's Frank Rizzo ?
That's the question.

That's the question.

He says he knows me, but do I know him ?
That's the other question.

And how does he know Mario ?

And which Mario does he know ?

Is he comin' for revenge, and if
so, for what thing i did to who ?

And where the hell does he get
off callin' me fruity-ass ?

This just in from Chicago.

No known Frank Rizzo
with crime affiliation.

There's one in highland park, but
he's a retired auto mechanic.

Sorry, chief.
Listen to me.

If we're gonna get Rizzo,
we're gonna have to

think like Rizzo. The
name's obviously an alias.

Tell 'em to keep lookin'. Talk to
every street hood in the city.

- Somethin' will turn up. - I'll get
on it first thing in the morning.

Why don't you
get some rest ?

I'll rest when Rizzo rests.

[ Door opening ]

Mornin', Ernie.

Made some calls. Nobody ever
heard of this Frank Rizzo.

Sure you got the name right ?
Yeah, sure, I'm sure.

He only screamed it in
my ear a hundred times.

And, boss, i met up with
his boys last night.

And they were talkin' like they knew quite
a bit about this birthday party job.

Oh, yeah ?
Yeah.

So what do they want from us ?
I don't know, boss.[ Ringing ]

Yeah ? [ Johnny ] What's
up there, squeaky balls ?

My boys told me to give you a call.
Who's this ?

Who the fuck you think it is ?
This is Frank Rizzo.

Let's get down to some
business before I have

to come down there and
split a few heads.

Do I know you ?
Sure, you know me, chief.

We go way back. We used to shoe each
other up the ass in the old days.

Don't you remember, Ernie ?
We were good like that.

I knew you in the old days ? What,
were you with one of the families ?

Nah, I never went with that family shit,
silly ass, you know what I mean ?

I was the best. I could whack
out a hundred guys in a week.

I ran circles around ya.
Well, I don't remember

you. Did you go under
some other name ?

That's right, chief.
They call me "rubberneck."

What the hell does that mean ? Ah, I always
had a bit of a problem with my temper.

People tell me it's a problem, 'cause it's
always flarin' like a pack of hemorrhoids.

You know, sometimes it
gets on my nerves. I

go crazy, kickin' guys
around, bustin' heads.

You know, I always wind
up chokin' a few people.

I'm sick, you know
what I mean, Ernie ?

- Ya fruity-ass bastard. - You oughta
take it easy with the name calling,

particularly since you got a couple of
boys on my turf with no protection.

Whoa, whoa.
Hey there, tough guy.

You know, what are you doin' ?
Let's not get

out of hand now. I was
just callin' to say...

How much I appreciate the hospitality
you showed my boys the other night.

You know, they got
nothin' but good things

to say about that happy-ass
lackey of yours,

Tony zamboni.
Scarboni.

Zamboni, scarboni, pepperoni, whatever
the fuck you call that little jerk.

He's an okay kid, and you
can tell him i said that.

I'll be sure and do that. Now you wanna
do me a favor and give me some idea...

As to what your intentions are
here in New York ?

What the hell you think,
sizzle-chest ? Times

are tough. I need dough,
like anybody else.

So you think you're just gonna waltz in
here and start takin' over my turf ?

You got it there, liver-lips.
I want you, baby.

You sound good.
Me and you, we make a team.

You and me make a team. We make a team.
I don't know who the fuck you are !

Ernie, what, are you tryin'
to get cute with me, baby doll ?

Come on. What, are you tryin' to make me
feel funny in the pants ? What's up ?

Don't spit up my ass and tell me
it's rainin' out there, tough guy.

You know, this is gettin' out of line now.
I oughta split your nuts...

From your fuckin' head
to the back of your ass.

You got that ?
Listen here, shit face !

You wanna come to New York and have a
sit-down, that's fine. Just ask me nice.

Talk to me like a person. You start tryin'
to intimidate me, I'm gonna get mad.

Ernie, relax, baby. We'll talk about
this and that and the other thing...

When I get
into town there, okay ?

Until then, you deal with my boys.
And, uh, I'll tell you somethin'.

If anything happens to them, I'm
holdin' you personally responsible.

We got somethin' goin' here or what ?
I'll think about it.

I'll take it under advisement.
You're a sweetheart.

See you later there, you fuckin'
milky licker. [ Dial tone ]

You believe this ? Nobody ever
talked to me like that in my life.

Hey, you just give me
the word; I'm on a

plane to Chicago with a
bullet for this guy.

No ! Come here.

Let me tell you somethin'.

The greatest man I ever knew in my
life was don Frederico in sicily.

Capo di tutti capo.

And he said to me,
"above everything,

respect your enemies."

We get close to Rizzo. We get close
to his boys. So what do we do ?

We bring 'em in. We have
'em meet the family.

Then we give 'em a test.
We see what they're made of.

Hey, remember,
I'm Mikey; You're jocko.

I'm Mikey; You're jocko. No,
no, I'm Mikey; You're jocko.

Shut the fuck up
with that shit already.

Wait. Hey, maybe I am jocko.
Give it a break.

Would you shut up ? I don't know.
What the hell.

Shut the fuck up.

Gentlemen, it's a pleasure
to see you again. Thank you.

Come on.
Hey !

Come on.
Ow !

Get in there, dopey.
Come on !

[ Lazarro ] This is the
muscle from Chicago ?

They look like a couple
of lowlifes from queens.

[ Scarboni ]
That's them.

I'm Ernie Lazarro.
How you doin', Ernie ?

Allow me to introduce Frank Rizzo's
boys from Chicago. Sit down.

Guys.

Mikey and jocko.

No, no, no. I'm jocko; He's Mikey.
Shut up with this.

Well, then, Mikey and jocko,
meet the family.

[ Johnny ] What are they,
the fuckin' Brady bunch ?

They all can't be cousins,
can they ?

We're a family because of certain
financial matters in common.

For example, Mr. Mitchell
over here...

Handles our financial responsibilities
in connection with city hall downtown.

Mr. peck over there does this and that in
regards to the law enforcement agencies.

The other guys do
other things.

All in all, we have a very comfortable
relationship with the city of New York.

Now since you boys
are new here in town,

we figured we'd make things
a little bit easier for you.

What the hell's this ?
Go on. Open it up.

Ba-da-boom.
Look at this.

- What the hell you want us to do
for that ? - Nothing. It's a gift.

But since you ask, there's
one thing you could do.

I mean, it should be a
piece of cake for a

couple of guys of your
reputation in Chicago.

Tell 'em, Tony. Yeah, we're
havin' a little trouble...

With a certain business
owner, a stubborn old

codger who won't let
us buy his place out.

We're knockin' down the whole block for
one of our developments next Monday.

- So we need this guy to sell now.
- So what do you want us to do ?

We thought you might have some colorful
ways to make him more agreeable,

like some of the more exotic jobs
you've pulled off in Chicago.

Yeah, I guess we could do that.
No problem.

Well, how will you do it ?
Ah, off the top of my head,

you know, we take the guy out back,
strap him to a fuckin' tree,

get out the old
tennis ball machine there,

load it up with boiled
potatoes, start shootin'

potatoes up his fuckin'
ass until he's blue.

That's the sickest thing
i ever heard in my life.

- I like it.
- Ah, two or three hours tops, done.

Good. This is the guy.

- Mickey !
- What, you know that guy ?

Nah, nah, he just looks
like a Mickey.

We're in deep shit, man. I knew we
shouldn't have pushed our luck.

What are you worried about ?
What am I worried about ?

The mob wants us to put
a hit out on Mickey.

Look, we tell Mickey to lay low.
We get Rizzo to handle it.

[ Ernie chatting
indistinctly ]

Ernie.
What ?

This kid here's got some information
he says you might be interested in.

- Yeah ? What is it ?
- I just thought you should know...

About the two guys
that just left here.

What do you mean ? Two guys from Chicago ?
They're not from Chicago.

They're from right here in queens.
They're

just a couple of losers
from the neighborhood.

What are you talkin' about ? They're
Frank Rizzo's guys from Chicago.

They don't work for Rizzo.
They're just foolin' you guys.

They're always
playin' pranks like that.

Ernie, we gave those guys
a lot of inside information.

They can get us all sent up the
river if they start squawkin'.

On top of which, they
treated me with disrespect.

- You better be sure about this.
- Oh, I'm sure, all right.

Look here. We all played ball
in high school together.

Take care of this.

I'll be glad to, boss.

[ Men chattering ]

What do you guys want ? Hey,
Mickey, we gotta talk to you.

- Yeah ? - Well, the good news is,
we're here to pay our bar tab.

Here's the dough
we owe you.

[ Chuckling ] Hey, hey ! Ah,
you guys are all right.

- Where'd you get the dough ?
- Ah, that's the bad news.

Mickey, you gotta lay low for awhile.
Couple of guys out to rough you up...

'Cause you wouldn't, uh,
let 'em buy out your bar.

Who's gonna rough me up ?
Well...

- Us.
- You ?

[ Laughing ]

Yah !

What are you doin' ?
Ahh ! Oh ! Unh !

That'll teach you bastards
to try to rough me up.

What the hell
you hit us for ?

Guess I still got it, huh ?

Mickey, it wasn't like we were
really gonna rough ya up.

What ?
Come here, come here.

Why the hell didn't you
guys say somethin'

like that earlier ? We
was tryin' to warn you.

- Warn me ? - Yeah, Mickey, you
just gotta lay low for awhile.

Just 'til we straighten things out.
You're gonna get to keep the place.

Ah, gee, that's swell, fellas.
[ Kamal ] you understand.

There's some things
in this world worth

fightin' for, and Mickey
crumps is one of 'em !

Why ?

Hey, Mickey, I had
my first beer in here.

I ain't gonna let 'em
tear the joint down.

[ Johnny ] We gotta
get goin', Mickey.

Yeah, see ya later, Mickey.
Yeah, see ya later, fellas.

Hey, thanks again, huh ?

[ Groaning ] Great guy, that Mickey.
Like a father.

You know, I think it's time to get frank
Rizzo to give Ernie Lazarro another call.

Yeah, I understand
he's very upset.

[ Groans ] Shit. Oh, man.

Hey, numbnuts.

What the hell you doin' here ? Came
to take you for a little joyride.

What the hell is this,
some kind of fuckin' joke ?

Yeah, this is a big joke, tough guy.
Get in the Van, now. Move ! Come on !

You know, the boss ain't gonna be too happy
about this shit. Ah, shut your mouth.

We're wise to you. Yeah,
we know the whole story.

One of your buddies from the
neighborhood ratted you out. Yeah.

Let me guess. Pale sort of guy ?
Kind of looks like a ferret ?

That's him.

[ Johnny ] What, all this blood
and guts supposed to scare us ?

What, your big boss Tony supposed to
come around and give us a talking to ?

Actually, he likes
to run the grinder himself.

Wh-where you gonna get rid of
200 pounds of human hot dogs ?

- Excuse me ?
- All right, 500.

You ever had
a heavenly Frank ?

Who the hell hasn't ? They're on
every friggin' street corner.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Man, I always thought the sign on the
cart said they were kosher. Kosher ?

Take a look at
the wall of fame.

Holy geez.
Johnny ?

Yeah. Remind me never
to listen to you.

Hey, Sonny,
you stay here.

I'm gonna go downstairs
and wait for Tony.

How come you always get
to tell Tony what we just did ?

What are you talkin' about ?

I mean, it's like every
time we do somethin'

together, you tell
Tony about it.

I mean, like you're doin'
it all by yourself.

It makes me look like
I don't do nothin'.

- Go fuck yourself. - You go fuck
yourself. I'm goin' down there !

I'm goin' down there !
Guys, guys !

Whoa. You know, both you guys got us
up here, tied us up into these chairs.

Both you guys should take the credit
for that. You should be very proud.

Why don't both of ya's
go down and tell Tony ?

You know somethin' ?
He's right.

Yeah. I mean, look at us, fightin'
like a couple of kids. Over what ?

Sure you guys gonna be all right ?
[ Johnny ] beautiful.

Fine. Yeah, actually, my
back feels better like this.

After you.
Thank you.

Don't worry.
We'll lock up.

[ Door slams ]

Hey, how do we
get out of this jam ?

Let me swing this chair around.
Hold on.

Come on. My elbow.
Stop your cryin'.

[ Grunts ]
Hold still.

[ Geno ] I can't fuckin' believe you.
What is that guy, anyway, huh ?

He's a sicilian, that guy.
He's a sicilian. No shit.

Come on.

Oh, man, this guy
was double-jointed.

It was a fuckin' pain in the
ass gettin' his arm off.

We gotta create
some kind of diversion.

Oh. Come on.

Hello ? [ Johnny
speaking fake Spanish ]

Hello. This is pico. Who ?

Pico.
I'm on the fourth floor.

My boss tell me you gotta move the Van.
He's angry.

He's going to beat my balls
like a pinata.

You gotta move the Van.
He's gonna tow it away, damn it.

You ain't havin' nothin'
towed away, fella.

Hey, you. This is kissel.
Move your Van...

Before I come downstairs
and kick your two heinies.

Ah, shut your mouth,
you old fuck.

[ Kamal ] Who you callin' old, meat lips ?
I'll show you somethin'.

Asshole.
Bastards.

Can you believe that guy ?
[ Laughing ]

[ Kamal ]
Bombs away !

What the fuck ?
Shit ! That old geezer.

Come on !

Shit ! How the hell
we gonna get down from here ?

I got it !

Here's the ticket.

You think these fuckin' cocks
will hold us ? They better.

I'm gonna kill that old prick.

Let's go !

Oh, shit, man. I think
we're in trouble, Sonny.

[ Chattering ] We gotta
get off the street.

♪♪
come on.

There must be some band playin'.
What ?

Let's get in this place.

I don't think so, darling.
Try a slumber party.

We gotta figure a way
to get in here.

Holy shit.

- What happened ?
- Tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him. You tell him.
You wanted to tell him.

So tell him. Shut up
and get in the car !

Hurry up,
you skinny fuck.

Those boys are
gettin' us in.

Hey, you need a hand ?

Nice try, jerk-off. Get in
line like everybody else.

Oh, really ?

- Hey, what the fuck ?
- [ Johnny ] That's all.

[ Banging ] Open the fuckin' door, huh ?
Bastards.

Comin' through.

Comin' through. Hey, Violet,
open up there, sugar-pants.

Yeah,
this thing's heavy.

Atta boy.
Move it, fat ass.

I'll kick their ass
in a pair of seconds.

Move aside there.
Watch it, chick.

Come on, come on.
Watch out there, cock breath.

Move out of the way there, Blackjack.
Watch it there, scuba neck.

Dickey, we have some gate crashers here.
Hey, you.

He decides who gets
in this place.

That's right, gentlemen. We have
something called standards.

I don't think you
ought to insult my boss.

Up. Oh, shit.
Okay.

Slide it. Move it around. All right.
Come on. Up here.

Let's go.

Excuse me. Who are you guys ?
Where's Bob and b.J. ?

I guess they probably found
a better gig. They split.

What do you mean they got a better gig ?
They're like family.

They're in a jet now over Japan. We
heard they got a gig with the monkees.

The fucking monkees ?
You're kidding me !

Hey, it's a tough business.

Don't worry 'bout nothin'. Me and jocko
here, we been wirin' up shit for years.

We'll wire up a toilet seat that'll
suck the pants off you. We're the best.

You better be the best,
'cause tonight's a big show,

and my boys better
look good, okay ?

Fucking monkees ?

Hey ! Who does that
guy think he is ?

What's with this ? Put it up your ass.
Come on already.

- All right, this shit looks good.
- Guess that looks all right.

Put that up there.
Come on.

Rock and roll with helmet !

Hope this shit works.

♪♪

Get the fuck
out of my way.

♪ Take me through
the centuries ♪

♪ through supersonic years ♪

♪ let me play with memories
♪ i hate this shit.

♪ Drowning in the spheres ♪

♪ what I have to give you
is a love that never dies ♪

- ♪ a symptom of the universe is written in
your eyes ♪ - I don't believe this shit.

- Motherfucker.
- ♪ hey, hey ♪

- Oh, shit.
- There they are. Get-- get 'em !

Let's go.
Come on.

Get the fuck
out of my way.

Jesus, come on, come on.
Get in there !

- Hey !
- Sorry.

[ Stall door banging ]

[ Lisping voice ] Ooh, all right !
Hold still, you silly.

Lift those legs. Ohh. Open that toolbox
wide. I'm gonna put some baloney in it.

Oh-ooh, I'm so happy. Stay still.
Oh, you silly little freak.

You look in there. I'm not gonna
look in there. You look in there.

I looked in the last one. Why I
always gotta do the dirty work ?

- Don't start with me, Sonny. - [ Johnny
] Renaldo ? Renaldo, is that you ?

Renaldo, get in here. We'll get
a little group thing going.

- [ Kamal groaning ] - I got the dogs
in here. They're all shaved nice.

I just rubbed 'em down with
ointments, [ Barking ]

And we're ready to rock and roll.
[ Panting ]

Don't you remember the last time ? We
really rocked the house. We were crazy.

- [ Kamal ] Oh !
- Renaldo ? Renaldo.

I won't tell Tony if you don't. [
Johnny ] what's wrong with you ?

What, are you gonna wait 'til my
balls dry up and fall off, let's go.

For Christ's sake ?

You just wait here. Put more
sauce on it, sailor boy.

[ Kamal ] Hey,
I think they left.

Ah ! You're on my knee !
Let's go.

♪♪

What ? Don't tell me you missed those guys.
I don't know, boss.

We couldn't find 'em anywhere. Right,
Sonny ? Yeah, couldn't find 'em.

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ yeah ♪

You fucking assholes !

Move out of the way ! Move
out of the way ! Let's go !

Let us out of here, huh ?
Hey, shut your ass.

Hey, buddy, we
gotta go to queens.

[ Speaking bengali ]

What the fuck did he say ? Come on, guy.
We're in a rush. This is an emergency.

[ Speaking bengali ]

Let's take the fuckin' thing.
Come on.

- Hey. [ Speaking bengali ]
- Let's go !

- Come on. Move it.
- [ Driver shouting ]

- Come on !
- [ Shouting in bengali ]

- Drive !
- [ Shouting ]

Hey, you !
Hey !

Police ! Police ! Police !

[ Laughing ]
Huh ? Huh ?

I don't know what you're laughin' about.
We're lost.

I don't even know how
to get back into queens.

My car. Look what
they did to my car.

Why you goin' this way ?

You got a better idea ?

Get on the damn radio.

Ali tarbash ?

[ Bengali accent ]
Uh, cab #1557...

Want to speak
to dispatch, please.

[ Dispatcher ]
Yeah, what do ya want ?

Uh, I'm at seventh
and Houston street.

How do I get
back into queens ?

What ? You been with me ten years !
You idiot !

You don't know how to get to queens ?
Listen,

a big, burly guy
got into my cab.

He asked me to change a bill. I did it.
He took a brick, hit me over the head.

My teeth hurt.
I cannot remember--

[ groaning ]
Come on.

I-- help. [ Dispatcher ] Some
guy hit you with a brick ?

Why didn't you say somethin' ?
Let me get the cops over there.

- The cops !
- Uh-uh-uh, no, no, no, no cops. Thank you.

Ah ! No, no cops. Please, no. Help me.
No. [ Brakes squeal ]

Ah !

[ Johnny ] How did you
get us back here ?

I don't know. I don't
even know what I'm doin'.

- Yo, taxi !
- Aw, shit !

Put this fuckin' thing
on, speed boy.

Ah !
Get in !

Move !

Just go down the street nice and slow. I'm
lookin' for a couple of guys on foot.

[ Bengali accent ]
Oh, yes, sir.

Smells nice in here. Oh, thank you.
You too.

If I find those guys, I'm gonna rip
their guts so far out of their ass...

They're gonna have to get
a passport to take a shit.

- [ Mouthing words ] - [
Dispatcher ] Yo, 1557. Come in.

Hey, driver.
Isn't that you ?

Oh ! Oh, y-yes, thank you.

Uh, cab #1557
coming in.

[ Dispatcher ] What the
hell is goin' on out there ?

I just got a call sayin' that your cab
was stolen down by Houston street.

Uh, don't believe the hype. Thank you.
I'm heading uptown.

[ Dispatcher ] What are
you doin' goin' uptown ?

I thought you got hit in the head with a
brick and you were headin' out to queens.

[ Laughing ] My wife and kids
are just fine. Thank you.

All right, wise guy, why
don't you take off that

funny hat and let me get
a good look at you ?

What ? Oh, no, no, no. Dandruff problem.
Flake will fly everywhere.

I said take off the hat !

- Hey !
- What are you, crazy ?

- Slow down !
- Okay.

[ Kamal shrieking ]

Son of a bitch !
Open the door !

[ Confused shouting ]

[ Dispatcher ] What are
you doin' out there ?

They're gettin' away !
[ Dispatcher shouting ]

Come on. We'll lose 'em in here.
All right.

[ Comedian ] Ladies and gentlemen, as
you can see, this is a difficult job.

I get all the tough jobs
because of my size.

They give all the little
guys the tough jobs.

I am the illegitimate son
of yul brynner.

My god, man, where have you been ? Danny's
been covering for you for half an hour.

There must be some mistake. What mistake ?
I told your agent 10:00.

These people have paid very good money
to see your show. Now come on !

What are you talkin' about ? I
don't know nothin' about magic.

[ Comedian ] Hmm ? How would you like
to be a lifeguard in a car wash ?

Or a baby carriage salesman in the
Virgin Islands ? These are tough jobs.

I get all the tough jobs. I had a job once.
I worked in an olive factory.

Would you like a table, sir ?
Yes.

Smoking or non-smoking ? Whatever's
good for you, honey baby.

[ Comedian ] But in order to
be a mailman, you gotta take--

[ emcee ] Danny Dennis, ladies and
gentlemen. Isn't he wonderful ?

Thank you so much, Danny.
Wonderful.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without
further delay, allow me to introduce...

The master of prestidigitation,
tarbash the Egyptian magician !

Ah, ah !
Ooh ! Ah, ah !

Ladies and gentlemen, tarbash is considered
the greatest magician from Egypt.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, no, no. Those are just all rumors.

[ Emcee ] Perhaps you'd
like to begin with your

internationally acclaimed
magical jewelry trick.

- Huh ?
- [ Audience cheering ]

[ Emcee ] All we need is
a volunteer from the audience.

Oh, please,
let it be me.

- May we borrow a piece of your jewelry ?
- This is so exciting.

You can use my necklace.

It is one-of-a-kind. A gift
from the British royal family.

[ Audience exclaiming ]

Ahem. No, don't put it in that thing.
It might spoil or rot.

Perhaps maybe somebody has
a nice swatch on them.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the necklace is in the bag.

Tarbash will now slice the bag, but
the necklace will remain intact.

- Isn't that right, tarbash ?
- Oh, no, no, I can't do this.

Tarbash ! Tarbash !
Tarbash ! Tarbash !

- Tarbash ! Tarbash !
- Oh, okay. Okay, okay. Silence !

Must concentrate.
Stand back.

[ Yelling ]

Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !
Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !

Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !
Ah ! Ah !

Jesus, I hope you know
what you're doing.

Of course I know
what I'm doing.

Oh, but for the magic
to properly work,

uh, you must close your eyes
and count to ten.

- [ Kamal ] Ready ?
- [ Audience ] One, two,

three, four, five,
you, too, cutie.

Six, seven, eight,

- what are you doin' ? Oh, you too.
- Eight, nine, ten.

- Look ! He's gettin' away.
- Where did he go with my necklace ?

Moving right along,
may I present...

Sparky the clown !

[ Shrill clucking ]

[ Evil laughter ]

It's an ambush !
Hit the dirt !

Oh ! You don't worry about them. I loved
your show. It reminded me of our homeland.

Thank you, but I'm in great danger.
Please-- oh, no !

Are you in trouble ?
Here, come with me.

I've got an apartment
just upstairs.

No, no, please, please.
I don't know you.

- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Screaming ]

All right, everybody, put your hands
behind your heads and nobody gets hurt.

We're gonna search this place
from top to bottom.

Bring that clown
over here.

Ha ! Now let me see you do
a back flip, huh, sparky ?

What are you doing ?
This...

Is so exciting.

No, no, I'm not an exciting guy.
Let me out of here.

I don't even excite myself. I got a bigger
pair of tits than you. My ass is fat.

No, no, please. I got heart condition.
Here, sit down.

[ Whispering ]
Wait a minute.

Wait.

Next.

Next.
Hey, you.

Oh, I've seen
enough of you.

Hey, pops, you see any
suspicious characters ?

[ Lisping voice ] Yes, I did, one time at a
ball game, but they beat me unmercifully.

I was layin' in a puddle
of my own blood and piss.

They beat the hairpiece and
shoes right off of me. Today.

Did ya see any today ? Uh-- oh,
I'm a very insecure person.

Everyone's suspicious to me.
[ Stuttering ]

I can't see, damn it. Then go home.
Go home, pops.

- [ Scarboni ] How 'bout you ? - Wait.
That guy is walkin' out with my coat.

That guy ?

[ Shrieks ]
Miss, please !

You're too aggressive. Uh, tarbash
not functioning properly.

Ohh. I think there is something
we can do about that.

Where the hell is he ?

- Damn it, Sonny, where is he ?
- How the hell should I know ?

♪♪

Look at this fuckin' guy.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Gunshots continue
] [ Shrieking ]

- [ Woman ] Oh ! Oh, tarbash !
- [ Johnny ] Kamal, it's me.

Come on, you hard-up bastard. We gotta go.
These guys are right behind us.

[ Kamal ] Sorry. I must be fleeing.
Tarbash !

You can't just go !
Uh, sorry. Gotta go.

Come on, come on, come on.
This way, this way.

Come on !
Slow down !

I let two idiots
make a fool out of me.

Maybe I'm not
the man I was.

Maybe I'm slippin'.

Maybe I'm becomin' impotent.

No, sweetheart.

They will have to pay
for what they've done.

Hey, Johnny. Listen, man, I think
we better get out of town...

'Til this whole thing
blows over.

We can't do that. If we do that,
they'll tear Mickey's down.

What are we gonna do ? Our only
protection is Frank Rizzo,

and Brett Weir, the rat, already
took care of that one for us.

Well, this is it.
This is it ?

That's what I got. These guys
are more clever than I thought.

Let's go.

I got an idea.

Hand me down the recorder.

What are you doing ? We'll get
some tape on those assholes.

Great ! Another one of your harebrained
schemes ! Stop cryin' like an old broad.

[ Singsong voice ]
I smell trouble.

Oh, shit.

Shh, shh.
[ Knocking ]

[ Lisping voice ]
Hello. Who's there ?

Police. Open up. The police ?
Oh, god, I'm sorry.

I can't open the door right now 'cause I'm
naked. I'm very embarrassed with this...

Because I'm a little
fat in the ass.

My wife says I have a
cute ass, but I'm ashamed

about it. Maybe you come
back a little later.

I'm sorry, sir, but
we have reason to believe...

There are two dangerous criminals
holed up in this apartment.

No, no, there's nobody
in here but me naked.

With all my shoes and glasses.
What ?

We've obviously got
some bum information.

Sorry, chief.
That's all right.

Don't let 'em fool ya, copper.
They're in there.

Is that right ? Thanks, old man.
I got it, chief.

- Oh, shit !
- Ow ! Ow !

Jiminy cricket !
Out of the way.

There's where
you guys came in.

So you see, that's how it all happened.
We got nothin' to do with the mob.

We don't even know where Chicago is.
Yeah.

We're really just a couple
of lowlifes from queens.

Cut the bullshit,
ladies !

You expect me to believe that frank
Rizzo is some kind of hoax ?

Fat chance. He may have had a
picnic out there in the windy city,

but here in New York, things
are gonna be different.

Do I make
myself clear ?

You're not listenin', sarge. That's what I
been tryin' to tell you. I'm Frank Rizzo.

Yeah, man. But we got some scoop
on Ernie Lazarro if you want.

I'm not interested in Ernie Lazarro.
He's small potatoes compared to Rizzo.

He's got the whole city
on the take.

- You got any proof of this ?
- No.

I didn't think so. Now stop
trying to change the subject.

I want Frank Rizzo !

Johnny, do the voice, man.
It's the only way.

[ Rizzo voice ] Hey, tough guy, how
'bout I punch your fuckin' balls off ?

[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

Tell me this.

If Mr. Rizzo is all
just a gag you play,

how come our boys in Chicago
were able to put this together ?

Holy geez.

Wait a minute.
That's impossible.

Yeah ?

I got more.

"Psychological profile,
Frank Rizzo" ?

- What ?
- Where do you guys get this crap ?

Hey ! I know more about Rizzo
than Rizzo's mother does.

So don't serve me up another
steaming nugget of shit...

About Frank Rizzo bein'
a figment of my imagination.

I don't know what the hell
else i can tell you guys.

I tried to give
you boys a chance.

Now you wanna play rough ! All right,
boys, take 'em down to lockup.

What the hell you got on us ?
Plenty !

We know all about your little
crime spree last night.

What do you got
on that, connley ?

Assault,
inciting a riot,

Grand Theft Auto, robbery,
illegal right turn,

and if that's not enough, that little
snake charmer of yours was under age.

Hey, man,
i didn't do nothin'.

- Get 'em out of my face. - [ Officer
] Let's go. Get up. Happy face.

Big money ! Big money !
Big money !

- Big money !
- Spin for that big money !

[ Phone ringing ]
Big money !

Shut up !
Get the phone.

[ Ringing continues ]

If that's him, don't try nothin'
stupid, lady. Capisci ?

Just find out where he is.
Hello ?

Hey, ma. Johnny !
Where've you been ?

Uh, well, I got
a little problem here.

What kind
of problems, Johnny ?

Ah, I'm down at
the police station.

You're in jail. I knew you were
up to no good. What did you do ?

Ma, nah, it's nothin' like that. It's a
case of mistaken identity or somethin'.

These guys, they think me and
kamal are mixed up with the mob.

[ Johnny ] Ha ! Can
you believe that ?

Ohh, Johnny.

Maybe if you had been able to keep a
real job, this wouldn't have happened.

Ma, what are you sellin' me
down the river for ?

I just need a little time
to straighten things

out. You gonna bail us
out of here or what ?

I'll have to think about it.
[ Beeps ]

- [ Dial tone ]
- What'd she say ?

You know ma.
She ain't too happy about it.

- What are you doing ?
- I'm gonna settle the score for us.

[ Ringing ]

Quigley lawn ornament
and demolition services.

You want a lawn ornament, you want
something demolished, or both ?

[ Kamal ] Let me speak to demolition.
Demolition ? Just a minute.

Demolition. You want
something blown up,

bashed apart or ripped
to hell with a claw ?

Yeah ! When are you people
gonna come smash up my house ?

I called you
a couple of days ago.

Sorry, I don't remember the call.
Yeah, the name is Weir.

Brett Weir. I got a little place
over there on ditmars boulevard.

I want you guys to break down
the goddamn thing for me.

Yes, sir, you came
to the right place !

All right, all right.

Looks like you two guys
are out of here.

Your cousins
just posted your bond.

Cousins ? Cousins ?
Yeah, let's go.

[ Keys jingling, door opening ] Don't
let those kids get to ya, buddy.

If you hit 'em in the back of the
leg, they always fall down. Yeah ?

Hey, it wasn't bad in there.
Hey, the food was good.

Eat it all the time. Yeah, man.
It was good.

[ Both chuckling ]

Ma, what are
you doin' here ?

What am I doin' here ? I'll
tell you what I'm doin' here.

According to your friends,
I'm gettin' ready

to take a little swim
in the east river.

- Thanks to you, my son.
- Enough with the small talk, huh ? Weir.

Go tell the boss his
honored guests are here.

You guys,
sit down. Relax.

Sorry, ma.
You're sorry !

Well, well, well. What do we got here ?
Fruity-ass, huh ?

Who's a fruity-ass now ?

You guys got any last
words you like to

impart before you get
thrown into the drink ?

I don't know what you're
talkin' about, Ernie.

But I do know when Mr.
Rizzo finds out...

About his two top guys
and their mother at the

bottom of a river, he
ain't gonna be too happy.

I'd rather be at the bottom of the east
river than be on Frank Rizzo's shit list !

Hey, forget about Frank Rizzo. Mr.
Weir here told me all about that.

That is nothing but a trick
he does with his voice.

Brett's a cute kid there, but I think
he's just a little too eager...

To tell you guys what the hell
you're lookin' to hear.

He used to work for Frank Rizzo
until he got caught skimming.

- That's a lie ! - Keep playin' that game,
Brett, but he's gonna be here soon.

If I know Mr. Rizzo, when he gets
here, he's gonna straighten shit out.

Again with Frank Rizzo ? You got
a lot of balls for a guy...

Who's gonna be swallowin'
fish in two minutes.

Yeah, it seems like this Rizzo guy is never
around when you guys need him the most.

I wonder why that is.

What, do you want us
to give him a call ?

Yeah, let's give him
a call.

- You cover the call to Chicago.
- Let's go.

This is crazy ! This has got
to be some kind of a trick.

I hope it is
for your sake.

Keep an eye on the old lady. We'll be
right back. Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Hey, chooch, you too.

Let's go !

[ Chuckling ]

Get in here.
Sit down.

Dial.

[ Ringing ]

No answer. Now where is he ?
Takin' a bath ?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Over phone ] Hey, what's up there,
fruitcake ? This better be important.

You're botherin' me while I'm tryin'
to have my little toenails done here.

Rizzo ? It's Ernie Lazarro in New York.
Who's in charge over there ?

This is aggravatin' me now. What,
I can't count on you people ?

No, we had a little problem here, but
I think we just straightened it out.

Yeah, that's right, sizzle-chest. It's
always the same thing with you guys.

We're off to a bad start here.
Well, that's true,

but there's no reason
to fly off the handle.

Hey, this is America, baby.
Survival of the fittest.

Right, well, it's been
good talkin' to ya. I'll

let you get back to
whatever you were doin'.

I'll tell you somethin', you bastard ! You
piss me off and I'll come down there...

And choke the balls off you,
you son of a bitch !

What are you insultin' me for ? I treat you
with respect; I expect the same thing back.

What ? This is
a fuckin' joke ? Huh ?

Why don't you tell me a little bit
of information about yourself ?

What kind of fruity-ass little
operation you run out there, anyway ?

Fuck you, fruity-ass ! That's
what kind of operation I run !

I'm citywide, including protection and the
numbers, and you keep your ass out of it.

You got that ? Okay, silly
ass, that's very nice.

I'm very proud of you,
you fuckin' jerky bastard !

Hey ! Let me tell you somethin'
about this little jerky bastard.

I got half the city officers on the
payroll, including cops in 14 precincts.

You screw around with me,
you got them on your ass.

You screw around with them,
you got me on your ass.

Hey, I know what it's like.
They call me "rubberneck."

Is that supposed to be a threat ?
'Cause I got two of your guys here.

- They could be dead in two minutes.
- Holy shit !

Hey, don't make me come down there for you,
tough guy. I'll rap your fuckin' head in !

I'll beat you up and down that street !
I'll stuff my shoes up your ass !

I'll feed your nuts to my dog.
I'm silly like that, silly !

See, I told ya. He's crazy with
that temper of his. He's nuts.

But I'm sure, you know,
as long as the two of

us are all right, things
are gonna be okay.

We got some
bad information.

Wait a second. You're not gonna
fall for a stupid trick like this !

These guys have been pullin' phony scams
like this ever since we were kids.

[ Stammering ] Uh, you know what I
mean, Ernie. [ Nervous chuckle ]

Can i--
can I call you Ernie ?

[ Blubbering ] No, don't hurt me !
Please, don't hurt me ! Hey !

No, listen ! I'm not lying !
I'm not lying !

Get your hands off my boss !
No ! You're not fruity !

- [ Liquid trickling ]
- Damn, he wet his pants.

Ernie, look, we're willing
to let bygones be

bygones just so we get
off on the right foot.

I got my mother downstairs. She's tired.
I really gotta get her home.

Oh, man,
look at the time.

Hey, what are you--
what the hell you doin' ?

[ Redialing, beeping ] Yeah,
what's up there, fruitcake ?

This better be important. You're
botherin' me... Shit ! Let's go !

While I'm tryin' to get my little toenails
done here. See, I told you it was a scam.

Ma, let's get the hell outta here !
Johnny !

Lady, you ain't goin' nowhere ! [
Groans ] That's what you think !

Come here, lady ! [ Groans ]
Let go of me, you big galoot !

Ugly shit face ! Get outta here !
Will ya-- let's go !

Help me ! These things weigh a ton !
Stop draggin' your fuckin' feet !

[ Groaning ] What happened ?
You stupid morons !

- Move it, I said !
- Hurry up !

- Holy cow !
- Come on !

Let's go !
In the Van !

Where ya takin' me ? God, I can't !
Get her in !

Damn it, will ya
help me ? Ow !

Hurry up, hurry up !
Get her in !

- Lift my leg, you son of a bitch !
- Come on, come on !

I'm comin', I'm comin' ! Get
your let's go ! Head down !

Don't touch the hair !

I can't believe you'd put your own
mother in this kind of danger !

You wanted me
to get the job !

All right, let's get
a move on. Come on !

Bring her out here. Let's go !
Oh, my god !

Johnny, I can't believe i gotta
sneak in the back of my own house !

Come on, ma. I hope nobody's
lookin' out the windows.

Ah, stop whinin'.

[ Lazarro ] Let me tell you somethin'
about this little jerky bastard.

I got half the city officers on the
payroll, including cops in 14 precincts.

[ Recorder clicks ] Got those
goons by the balls now.

Get worzic's mug on the line. Tell him
to get his ass over here right away.

Hey, chief, line one for you.
Sounds urgent.

Worzic. [ Bengali accent
] Ah, detective worzic.

I just consulted your astrological charts,
and I got big break for you on mob case.

What ?
Who is this ?

Ooh ! Stop fuckin' around, asshole !
This is serious shit.

Yeah, detective worzic,
we're the Frank Rizzo guys.

You're telling me you
got a tape of Ernie

Lazarro singing about
his entire operation ?

No, stay put. We'll take it from here.
Get th-- le-- move !

Where are we going ?
Oh, just follow me !

Boy ! I mean, Jesus !

I'm dead on my feet.

Oh !

It's been a long day,
right ?

I'm definite gonna need
the Ben-gay after this !

Hey, ma.

Come on, ma. Ooh, ma ! You gotta try
to work on this at a neighbor's house.

- You know, things are
gonna get ugly around

here.
- All right, Johnny. All right.

But the next time you
decide to have a big

showdown in my house, you
better tell me first.

I'm gonna be over
at Meg Parker's.

You better clean this place
up before I come back. Okay.

[ Muttering ] I can't believe what
you put me through. My own son.

Whoa !
[ Crash ]

Ooh !
Watch your step there, ma.

[ Siren wailing ]

- Hey, Johnny ! - [ Brakes
screech, siren stops ]

Hey, it looks like
worzic made it.

Just in time too.

Man, the shit's really gonna
hit the fan around here.

Yeah, bullets are gonna be
flyin' all over the joint.

Get down, get down !

Oh, man,
he's gonna cap 'im !

[ Laughing ]

I appreciate your help on this, Bobby.
Any time, Ernie.

What the hell is this ? Kissin'
each other's asses out there !

You'd think they'd all went
to summer camp together.

No wonder this worzic guy wouldn't
believe us. He's on the take.

Hey, well, wait a minute. If the cops don't
care about whether they nab the mob,

and the mob don't care about
bein' nabbed by the police,

what the hell they rush over
here so quick for ?

There's some wacky shit
goin' on here, man.

All right, let's go.
Let's go, boys.

Holy shit, let's go !

[ Thumping corner ]
Oh !

My god.
What is it, Ernie ?

[ Lazarro ] don Frederico.
Capo di tutti capo.

It's you.

[ Sizzling ]
Ow ! Fuck, shit !

Shit ! Oh, man. Come on !
Let's go !

[ Engine starting ] [
Coughs ] Come on !

- [ Yelping ]
- [ Gears grinding ]

Damn it, Sonny, you let
'em get away. Me ?

[ Groaning ] Hey, boss, they
must've slipped out the back.

What're we gonna do now ?

We gotta get this tape to some badge
that ain't gonna double cross us.

You take 79th street. We'll take
queens boulevard. I'm drivin'.

That's 79th street. Wait a minute. That's
79th street; That's queens boulevard !

Hold on !
Slow down !

Stay out there and let him go.
I'm going to queens boulevard.

But don't have him
swing back that way !

[ Horns honking ]

Oh, man,
they're on to us !

Ah, shit !
He's right on my ass !

Son of a bitch ! We got a train
to catch, man ! Move it !

[ Honking ]

Look out !
Aah !

[ Johnny, kamal
screaming ]

Ooh !
Ooh !

Shit !
Come on. Let's go !

Gotta get 'em
before they get on the train !

Hey, nice parking job, bucko !
Up yours, fuck face !

Hey !
Get outta the way !

Keep movin', lard ass !
Outta the way !

Hey, you moron ! Get the hell outta
my way ! Hey ! Take it easy, lady !

Never go to queens...
If you can help it.

Come on !

[ Honking ]
Fuck you, jerky !

[ Kamal ] What are we
gonna do now, Johnny ?

Give me every news office you can find,
and we call every fucker in the book.

Yeah, is this the times ?
Who's in charge over there ?

I got a story that's gonna blow the
lid off the syndicate in this town.

That's right, liver-lips.
We got the whole thing on tape.

We got it all ! We got corruption; We
got payoffs. We even got bad hot dogs.

The queens bunco division's in bed
with the mob. [ Kamal, indistinct ]

We got city council
payoffs, racketeering, the

whole nine yards.
...Story of the century.

Rizzo. R-i-z-z-o.
Okay. Rizzo.

Frank Rizzo. Open your
fuckin' ears, jackass !

This is a world news
special report.

A concerned citizen,
known only as Frank Rizzo,

sent shock waves through
the city of New York today...

When he released a telephone recording
linking the Lazarro crime family...

To a massive payoff scam...

Involving NYPD's organized crime
division with connections in city hall.

Crime boss Ernie Lazarro
and his right-hand

man, Tony zamboni, or I
should say, scarboni,

were taken into custody along with
a number of their key associates.

Detective Robert worzic was arrested
on charges of profiteering.

Local queens man Brett Weir was released
after making a deal with prosecutors.

Sparky the clown was turned over
to Chicago police...

For questioning in connection with a
series of brutal unsolved homicides.

In a related development,
the heavenly Franks

chain of street vendors
was shut down,

pending an investigation into the
use of substandard meat products...

In the popular hot dogs.

Mystery man Frank Rizzo
has refused to appear in public,

but in a terse statement,
he credited two men--

Johnny b and kamal, both of queens, New
York-- for their help in the sting,

saying, and I'm quoting now, "they
did a job for me. Beautiful job.

These boys are the best.
You got me, jerky ?"

Hey, not bad for a couple lowlifes
from queens. Look at us now, huh ?

Cushy jobs with the city. What the
hell we s'pose to do in here, anyway ?

What the heck you
lookin' at me for ?

[ Ringing ]

[ Woman ] White house.
May I help you ?

[ Johnny ] What do ya say there, toots ?
Who the fuck is in charge over there ?

Just one moment, please.
[ Bill Clinton ]

howdy, this is Bubba.
What can I do for ya ?

[ Johnny ] Eh, what's
up there, sweet tits ?

You got some real fuckin' problems with
those congress bastards now, huh ?

[ Chuckling ] Al, come on.
Quit playin' on the phone.

Ah, don't you worry about that shit.
I'll get you a fuckin' job sellin' cars.

All right, there, porky ? See ya a
little later there, nitz. [ Chuckling ]

[ Phone ringing ] ♪ I'm in the phone
booth it's the one across the hall ♪

♪ if you don't answer I'll just
ring it off the wall ♪

♪ I know he's there
but I just had to call ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪ I heard your mother
now she's going out the door ♪

♪ did she go to work
or just go to the store ♪

♪ all those things she said
I told you to ignore ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪ it's good to hear your voice
you know it's been so long ♪

♪ if I don't get your call
then everything goes wrong ♪

♪ wanna tell you something
you've known all along ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪♪

♪ I have to interrupt
and stop this conversation ♪

♪ your voice across the line
gives me a strange sensation ♪

♪ I'd rather talk where I could
show you my affection ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging
on the telephone ♪

♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh ♪
♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh ♪
♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh, whoa-whoa-whoa ♪
♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ check it out ♪♪

What, what, what ? What is it ?
You Brett Weir ?

Yeah, I'm Brett Weir.
What of it ?

Hey, this is the place, Chuck !
Hey, buddy,

what's the deal here ?
What are ya-- hey, pa--

♪ listen to the ballad of 43
number 1 ♪

♪ come and grab the microphone like a
jacket does a gun ♪ that's a claw !

♪♪ [ Continues, indistinct ]
Oh-oh-oh-ohh !

Ohh ! Oh, my awning !

Buddy, stop it ! Hey, you--
hey, you got the wrong house !

Move out ! Back out of there !
What are you, crazy ?

[ Groaning ]
Ooh, my weather vane !

Oh, my aluminum siding ! I just
paid for that ! [ Blubbering ]

The jerky boys ! The jerky boys called
you ! Wait a minute ! Ooh, ooh !

[ Johnny chuckling ]
That jerky little prick !

♪♪ [ Hard rock ]

♪ You got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
all right ♪

[ Phone ringing ]
Can I help you ?

Yeah, is this the restaurant ?
Yes, it is.

I was there a little while ago with my
wife, and we ate some of them fava beans.

They got me fuckin' sick there, Charlie.
Where were you sitting ?

I was sittin' out there
by the front gate,

and I'm sick like a fuckin' idiot
over here. What did you order ?

Fava beans with all that silly little
juice on there, ya fuckin' wacky-ass !

Look, you jerky little ass, I oughta slit
your nuts off the side of your face !

You got them beans stinkin'
up the house now.

I'm sick like a fuckin' animal over
here, comin' out my ass backwards.

♪ You got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
all right ♪

[ Phone ringing ] Doctor's office.
Hello ?

Yes ? I have warts all
over my ass and genitalia.

Can we have these taken out ?
They're in there pretty deep.

You'll have to make an appointment. Could
you please tell me how he does it ?

Will he use his shoe ?
My name is Saul Rosenberg.

I got warts all over and in my ass.
Oh, oh, oh, my god ! [ Groaning ]

Can we have him call you ? Make
him call me right away, please.

♪ You got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
all right, all right ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog
you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog ♪♪

Hey ! You leave all that slippery,
sticky shit all over the fuckin' place.

I'll tell you what, I'll be waitin' for
you sons of bitches outside the theater.

Bring your fuckin' fists with ya. I'll
shove 'em down your fuckin' throat !