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1
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Satan,
2
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,051
the Devil,
3
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,786
Lucifer,
4
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:24,054
Prince of Darkness,
5
00:00:24,056 --> 00:00:26,523
Yanluowang,
6
00:00:26,525 --> 00:00:27,857
Belial,
7
00:00:27,859 --> 00:00:30,192
Abaddon,
8
00:00:30,194 --> 00:00:32,360
Beelzebub,
9
00:00:32,362 --> 00:00:35,162
Prince of Darkness.
10
00:00:35,164 --> 00:00:42,135
¶
11
00:00:42,137 --> 00:00:43,369
Beelzebub,
12
00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:44,803
Belial,
13
00:00:44,805 --> 00:00:49,140
Abaddon,
14
00:00:49,142 --> 00:00:51,142
Satan,
15
00:00:51,144 --> 00:00:53,811
the Devil,
16
00:00:53,813 --> 00:00:56,180
Lucifer,
17
00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:57,981
Beelzebub,
18
00:00:57,983 --> 00:00:58,748
Belial,
19
00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,716
Prince of Darkness.
20
00:01:02,086 --> 00:01:04,252
Good morning.
21
00:01:04,254 --> 00:01:06,020
Neil!
22
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:07,554
Eh?
23
00:01:11,359 --> 00:01:12,991
What? Too daring?
24
00:01:12,993 --> 00:01:15,927
Not if you're daring people
to kick your ass.
25
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:17,528
It's called pea-cocking, bro.
26
00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:20,097
Alright, females are attracted
to bright colours.
27
00:01:20,099 --> 00:01:20,864
How's it--
28
00:01:20,866 --> 00:01:22,532
How's it working so far?
29
00:01:22,534 --> 00:01:24,200
You know, it's working well.
30
00:01:24,202 --> 00:01:25,334
You've got to play
to your strengths.
31
00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,235
Style and charm,
you know what I mean.
32
00:01:27,237 --> 00:01:28,603
You should play to yours,
33
00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,171
you should bust out
those panty dropping card tricks
34
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,872
that you never show anyone.
35
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,707
Girls don't like card tricks.
36
00:01:33,709 --> 00:01:35,208
Are you kidding?
37
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:36,108
Of course they do.
38
00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:36,741
No, they don't.
39
00:01:36,743 --> 00:01:38,008
Yeah, they do.
40
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:40,043
Dude. According to Men's Health
41
00:01:40,045 --> 00:01:43,046
females are 18 percent
more likely to sleep with a guy
42
00:01:43,048 --> 00:01:45,681
after seeing a card trick.
43
00:01:45,683 --> 00:01:46,281
Really?
44
00:01:46,283 --> 00:01:47,248
Yeah,
45
00:01:47,250 --> 00:01:49,216
May 2010. Look it up.
46
00:01:49,218 --> 00:01:51,051
Hey gorgeous.
47
00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:55,221
Gorgeous, would you like
to see a card trick?
48
00:01:55,223 --> 00:01:56,956
Sure.
49
00:01:56,958 --> 00:02:01,026
Alright, pick one
and don't show me.
50
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:05,630
Now tear it up.
51
00:02:09,936 --> 00:02:11,302
Can I have that back.
52
00:02:11,304 --> 00:02:13,437
Give it to him.
53
00:02:17,809 --> 00:02:20,242
Is this your card?
54
00:02:20,244 --> 00:02:23,311
No, not even close.
55
00:02:24,247 --> 00:02:26,213
Check your bra.
56
00:02:27,583 --> 00:02:29,082
What?
57
00:02:29,084 --> 00:02:31,150
Check your bra.
58
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,090
That's amazing,
how did you do that?
59
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,058
I can't tell you.
60
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:41,958
She's coming back...
61
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,926
Oh my god, it's working!
62
00:02:43,928 --> 00:02:47,795
Listen, I'm having a party
at my house next weekend.
63
00:02:47,797 --> 00:02:50,330
You should come.
64
00:02:50,332 --> 00:02:52,465
That sounds amazing,
65
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:55,000
but I've got this
church thing so...
66
00:02:55,002 --> 00:02:57,335
Church thing.
67
00:02:57,337 --> 00:02:59,437
Church thing...
68
00:02:59,439 --> 00:03:00,571
No, no, no, no, no.
69
00:03:00,573 --> 00:03:02,406
Neil just gets exhausted
after a show,
70
00:03:02,408 --> 00:03:06,309
you've got to give him
a break.
71
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:07,076
[bell ringing]
72
00:03:07,078 --> 00:03:08,343
What?
73
00:03:08,345 --> 00:03:10,978
What the hell was that, man,
church?
74
00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,813
You're supposed to try to get
in her pants, you know,
75
00:03:12,815 --> 00:03:14,247
not convert her.
76
00:03:14,249 --> 00:03:15,915
I know, I blew it.
77
00:03:15,917 --> 00:03:17,249
You at least touched
her boob.
78
00:03:17,251 --> 00:03:18,316
I didn't.
79
00:03:18,318 --> 00:03:19,750
Well, then how did you?
80
00:03:19,752 --> 00:03:21,918
It was magic.
81
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,086
Are you magically touching
a boob right now?
82
00:03:24,088 --> 00:03:26,254
Hey Denise, he just totally
felt up Cheryl.
83
00:03:26,256 --> 00:03:27,121
Yeah, I know.
84
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:28,422
And so does Kent.
85
00:03:28,424 --> 00:03:30,090
He's on a rampage,
you'd better hide your ass.
86
00:03:30,092 --> 00:03:33,325
Oh shit, oh shit, hurry up.
87
00:03:34,795 --> 00:03:36,361
Over here.
88
00:03:36,363 --> 00:03:37,295
Oh fuck.
89
00:03:37,297 --> 00:03:38,863
Oh shit.
90
00:03:42,101 --> 00:03:43,767
Oh shit.
91
00:03:49,307 --> 00:03:50,506
Where is that little shit?
92
00:03:50,508 --> 00:03:53,775
Uh, the, uh...
93
00:03:53,777 --> 00:03:55,276
Neil!
94
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:58,279
Neil, yeah Neil is you
know Neil.
95
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,147
He put a card in
my girlfriends bra,
96
00:04:00,149 --> 00:04:01,948
I'm going to tear him in half
like a phone book.
97
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:06,218
Open the door or
I'll put you through it.
98
00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:08,520
No, no, don't.
99
00:04:08,522 --> 00:04:09,821
Uh, alright man just alright.
100
00:04:09,823 --> 00:04:14,658
Matt, fuck.
101
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:17,060
What the fuck are you doing
in there?
102
00:04:17,062 --> 00:04:18,361
You jacking it?
103
00:04:18,363 --> 00:04:20,963
Hey everyone, Neil's jerking
off in the closet,
104
00:04:20,965 --> 00:04:22,731
what a fucking
gross little perv.
105
00:04:22,733 --> 00:04:24,232
Eew!
106
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:26,234
Leave him alone, asshole.
107
00:04:26,236 --> 00:04:28,469
Go.
108
00:04:28,471 --> 00:04:30,537
Lets let him finish.
109
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,355
I don't know, wouldn't
you rather be sleeping in
110
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:51,856
on the weekends?
111
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:54,058
It's only an hour a week and
it makes our parents happy.
112
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:56,693
I fucking hate church,
so lame.
113
00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:58,494
Come on, put your robe on.
114
00:04:58,496 --> 00:05:00,362
Wait, wait.
115
00:05:00,364 --> 00:05:02,897
In Nomina Satanas.
116
00:05:02,899 --> 00:05:04,765
(All): Hail Satan!
117
00:05:04,767 --> 00:05:06,066
Hail Satan.
118
00:05:06,068 --> 00:05:12,238
Hail Satan, and thank you Satan.
119
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,273
[slurps]
120
00:05:19,346 --> 00:05:21,579
Brothers and sisters,
121
00:05:21,581 --> 00:05:24,448
as the celebration of Astaroth
approaches
122
00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:29,919
it is time to ask ourselves
why do we worship Satan?
123
00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:32,855
Is it for the power he has
promised us?
124
00:05:32,857 --> 00:05:34,389
Is it to be on
the winning side
125
00:05:34,391 --> 00:05:37,458
at the final battle
of Armageddon?
126
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,128
The worship of Satan allows
us to eat freely
127
00:05:41,130 --> 00:05:46,399
from the tree of knowledge,
of good and evil.
128
00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:50,936
It gives us the freedom
to indulge our senses
129
00:05:50,938 --> 00:05:57,241
in the pleasures of Earth,
Heaven and Hell.
130
00:05:57,243 --> 00:05:59,243
Jesus Christ.
131
00:05:59,245 --> 00:06:00,711
[whispers]
Blasphemy!
132
00:06:00,713 --> 00:06:06,148
If we could have everybody's
undivided attention?
133
00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:09,217
Thank you.
134
00:06:09,219 --> 00:06:10,318
Where was I.
135
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,319
Side of truth.
136
00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:13,988
Oh yes, brothers and sisters
137
00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:17,825
the worship of Satan
is all of these things.
138
00:06:17,827 --> 00:06:23,429
But most of all it is to be
on the side of the truth.
139
00:06:23,431 --> 00:06:26,398
Let the scales fall
from your eyes
140
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:34,004
for God is the deceiver
and Satan is the salvation.
141
00:06:34,006 --> 00:06:38,774
Soon we will perform the
celebration of Astaroth,
142
00:06:38,776 --> 00:06:42,477
our young brother Neil will give
himself over completely
143
00:06:42,479 --> 00:06:49,083
to our Lord to foil the accursed
forces of Heaven.
144
00:06:49,085 --> 00:06:50,818
Hail Satan!
145
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,453
(All): Hail Satan!
146
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:56,088
Bring forth the offering.
147
00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:59,357
[bah, bah, bah, bah]
148
00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:02,326
Aw, look at the goat.
149
00:07:02,328 --> 00:07:07,363
Lord, please accept
this humble sacrifice.
150
00:07:07,365 --> 00:07:10,332
I would totally trade places
with that goat right now.
151
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:11,533
As a token of our faith.
152
00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:13,601
Just keep watching.
153
00:07:13,603 --> 00:07:16,270
In Nomina Satanas!
154
00:07:20,442 --> 00:07:22,608
And remember, this Wednesday
we're having a bake sale
155
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:26,811
to raise money for our bowling
team and also the star
156
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:30,248
of our upcoming celebration
of Astaroth ceremony,
157
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,984
Neil, is working
so hard to prepare.
158
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:35,286
Lets show him our support.
159
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,887
[applause]
160
00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:38,755
Oh yeah.
161
00:07:38,757 --> 00:07:41,891
Oh yeah.
162
00:07:41,893 --> 00:07:45,427
Hey, so this talking
during church thing.
163
00:07:45,429 --> 00:07:46,995
Pretty fun, is it?
164
00:07:46,997 --> 00:07:48,997
Mom, Dad, listen.
165
00:07:48,999 --> 00:07:50,164
No, no, no, no, no.
166
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:52,499
I can actually see how joking
and laughing
167
00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:54,801
and embarrassing your family
you know instead of
168
00:07:54,803 --> 00:07:57,503
paying attention to the sermon
could be a little entertaining.
169
00:07:57,505 --> 00:07:58,804
Matt totally started it.
170
00:07:58,806 --> 00:08:00,438
Okay, it's always Matt's
fault huh?
171
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,606
Yes, actually it is.
172
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,674
Are you going to go through
the rest of your life
173
00:08:04,676 --> 00:08:06,842
never taking responsibility
for your actions?
174
00:08:06,844 --> 00:08:07,776
Huh?
175
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:08,743
Yeah.
176
00:08:08,745 --> 00:08:10,544
Oh really.
177
00:08:12,781 --> 00:08:16,115
Sheldon, hi, we were just
talking about how sorry we are
178
00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:18,016
for that interruption
during the sermon.
179
00:08:18,018 --> 00:08:21,352
I should certainly hope so.
180
00:08:21,354 --> 00:08:26,423
You understand that next time
it's quite a different story?
181
00:08:26,425 --> 00:08:27,757
Yes sir.
182
00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,492
How are the preparations going?
183
00:08:29,494 --> 00:08:31,794
Oh, he's ready.
184
00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:35,430
In fact, why don't you recite
for them the names of our Lord.
185
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:40,768
Yes, do tell.
186
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,536
Tell us.
187
00:08:42,538 --> 00:08:46,139
Lucifer, Affamet, Beezelbub.
188
00:08:46,141 --> 00:08:49,175
That's Beelzebub.
189
00:08:49,177 --> 00:08:54,246
Beelzebub, Belial, Abbadon.
190
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:59,150
There are over 40 of them
you know.
191
00:08:59,152 --> 00:09:03,154
You should take time
to learn them.
192
00:09:03,156 --> 00:09:07,224
There are such fabulous things
in store for you.
193
00:09:11,362 --> 00:09:14,429
Can I go?
194
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:23,035
We're all very excited
for the ceremony.
195
00:09:23,037 --> 00:09:24,836
So am I.
196
00:09:24,838 --> 00:09:28,072
Should be fun.
197
00:09:31,644 --> 00:09:34,544
So, you've kept him chaste?
198
00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:37,747
Oh, that problem kind of
took care of itself.
199
00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:39,381
You know, I never got
into trouble
200
00:09:39,383 --> 00:09:41,249
until your family
joined this church.
201
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:42,883
Yeah, and you never had
any fun either.
202
00:09:42,885 --> 00:09:43,817
Did you? Did you?
203
00:09:43,819 --> 00:09:46,085
Get off me.
204
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:49,721
You know, I still just
don't understand
205
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,923
this whole oath business.
206
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,491
Like, they made you lock up
your dick
207
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,593
while they're all getting it on.
208
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,329
That doesn't make any sense,
it's not fucking fair.
209
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,698
They're stealing the greatest
part of your youth,
210
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,701
the hot steamy sexual part.
211
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,203
Why would you agree
with something like that?
212
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:07,837
I'm not getting laid
because I'm not allowed to,
213
00:10:07,839 --> 00:10:09,205
what's your excuse?
214
00:10:09,207 --> 00:10:10,539
Oh, I see, I see.
215
00:10:10,541 --> 00:10:12,507
So, you're scared huh?
216
00:10:12,509 --> 00:10:13,541
I'm not scared.
217
00:10:13,543 --> 00:10:14,742
No, no?
218
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:15,743
You've got a little case
of the vagaphobia.
219
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,010
I don't have vagaphobia.
220
00:10:17,012 --> 00:10:18,111
Seriously though,
you've just got to,
221
00:10:18,113 --> 00:10:19,378
you've got to figure
this shit out man.
222
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:20,545
Before it's too late.
223
00:10:20,547 --> 00:10:21,779
Hey Dad.
224
00:10:21,781 --> 00:10:23,680
Because really Neil,
what we should be doing
225
00:10:23,682 --> 00:10:24,947
is tripping over each others
dicks to see
226
00:10:24,949 --> 00:10:28,549
who can bag the most babes,
you know?
227
00:10:28,551 --> 00:10:30,551
Fuck something.
228
00:10:30,553 --> 00:10:32,819
Anything.
229
00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:34,787
That kids got problems.
230
00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:36,622
Yeah, and that problem is you.
231
00:10:36,624 --> 00:10:38,357
Bye Neil!
232
00:10:38,359 --> 00:10:39,958
We just wanted to make sure
that both of you
233
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,593
were spiritually prepared
for what's going to happen.
234
00:10:42,595 --> 00:10:47,030
Of course, it's a great
honour.
235
00:10:47,032 --> 00:10:49,732
It will all be over very
quickly, right?
236
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:52,735
Oh, just as quick as
I can make it my dear.
237
00:10:52,737 --> 00:10:54,303
I can assure you that -
238
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:58,774
That the dagger plunges into
the flesh swiftly, smoothly.
239
00:10:58,776 --> 00:11:00,542
It sounds so painful.
240
00:11:00,544 --> 00:11:02,043
No, no, no.
241
00:11:02,045 --> 00:11:04,578
He'll feel a little pinch
but for no more than an instant.
242
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,046
So, no pain.
243
00:11:06,048 --> 00:11:07,480
No, there will be pain.
244
00:11:07,482 --> 00:11:08,714
Extreme pain.
245
00:11:08,716 --> 00:11:12,717
And blood, lots
and lots of it.
246
00:11:12,719 --> 00:11:15,086
I'm so sorry.
247
00:11:15,088 --> 00:11:18,622
As I was saying this whole
process is not only painless
248
00:11:18,624 --> 00:11:19,756
but euphoric.
249
00:11:19,758 --> 00:11:23,659
I have a crazy idea.
250
00:11:23,661 --> 00:11:28,563
Why don't we just sit him down
and explain everything to him,
251
00:11:28,565 --> 00:11:30,298
that way he'll be prepared.
252
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,099
What are you going to tell
him, okay,
253
00:11:32,101 --> 00:11:34,734
that his best friend is going
to have to mop him up
254
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,268
after the ceremony?
255
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:37,769
No. Shelly, come on.
256
00:11:37,771 --> 00:11:39,437
He'll accept it.
257
00:11:39,439 --> 00:11:41,238
He loves Satan.
258
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,572
Sheldon, I'm so sorry.
259
00:11:42,574 --> 00:11:45,174
No, no, please please.
260
00:11:45,176 --> 00:11:50,478
There's no reason to confuse
the little fellow.
261
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,114
We don't have time
for second thoughts.
262
00:11:54,116 --> 00:11:56,349
If we don't perform the ritual
263
00:11:56,351 --> 00:11:58,818
on the equinox of
his 18th year
264
00:11:58,820 --> 00:12:02,754
Jesus Christ will return and
usher in a thousand years
265
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,156
of peace on Earth.
266
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:08,125
Is that what you want?
267
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,161
No.
268
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:14,631
I didn't think so.
269
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,767
So, my advice to you is to
put your misgivings aside
270
00:12:17,769 --> 00:12:21,837
and focus on the positive.
271
00:12:26,209 --> 00:12:28,342
[horn]
272
00:12:28,344 --> 00:12:29,609
Eat some cake.
273
00:12:29,611 --> 00:12:31,177
Yeah, you should be
enjoying your big night.
274
00:12:31,179 --> 00:12:32,011
[horn]
275
00:12:32,013 --> 00:12:33,312
Want some ice cream on that?
276
00:12:33,314 --> 00:12:36,815
You should be eating like
there's no tomorrow.
277
00:12:36,817 --> 00:12:38,049
It's a clown, dad.
278
00:12:38,051 --> 00:12:39,116
I'm 18.
279
00:12:39,118 --> 00:12:42,185
Why don't you tell us
what's wrong?
280
00:12:42,187 --> 00:12:44,554
Is it a girl?
281
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,623
No.
282
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:52,927
Actually, yeah kind of.
283
00:12:54,630 --> 00:12:57,697
Oh.
284
00:12:58,833 --> 00:13:01,233
Did something happen?
285
00:13:01,235 --> 00:13:03,535
I'm not going to bore you
with the details.
286
00:13:03,537 --> 00:13:05,036
You're going to look me
in the eye
287
00:13:05,038 --> 00:13:06,570
and you're going to answer
me truthfully,
288
00:13:06,572 --> 00:13:08,471
was there
any physical contact?
289
00:13:08,473 --> 00:13:09,705
No.
290
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:11,540
So, there was no intercourse?
291
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,908
Inter-- No.
292
00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:14,509
And no oral?
293
00:13:14,511 --> 00:13:16,410
Giving or receiving?
294
00:13:16,412 --> 00:13:17,377
No.
295
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:18,644
What about anal?
296
00:13:18,646 --> 00:13:19,711
Jesus, mom!
297
00:13:19,713 --> 00:13:21,379
Answer your mother,
was there anal?
298
00:13:21,381 --> 00:13:22,680
No.
299
00:13:22,682 --> 00:13:24,915
Okay, look, something
happened that will ensure
300
00:13:24,917 --> 00:13:28,685
I will never get laid
in my whole life.
301
00:13:28,687 --> 00:13:31,688
Son, look, you know you can talk
to me about anything.
302
00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:34,323
I didn't break my stupid oath,
alright.
303
00:13:34,325 --> 00:13:37,225
[sigh of relief]
304
00:13:37,227 --> 00:13:40,361
Okay then.
305
00:13:40,363 --> 00:13:42,896
The oath isn't stupid honey,
306
00:13:42,898 --> 00:13:45,665
it's the whole reason
you were born.
307
00:13:45,667 --> 00:13:48,334
We were your age when I
conceived and we just,
308
00:13:48,336 --> 00:13:51,603
we didn't know what to do
but Sheldon told us
309
00:13:51,605 --> 00:13:55,673
that you had a special purpose.
310
00:13:55,675 --> 00:13:57,775
Look, I'm sure you're
going through
311
00:13:57,777 --> 00:14:00,778
some pretty depressing
teenage stuff right now.
312
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:03,914
Been there, done that, even
I had a stupid haircut once
313
00:14:03,916 --> 00:14:06,783
didn't I?
314
00:14:06,785 --> 00:14:10,219
But you are representing
our family and our church,
315
00:14:10,221 --> 00:14:12,788
when it is all over you will
have a fuller understanding
316
00:14:12,790 --> 00:14:15,257
of what it is all about.
317
00:14:15,259 --> 00:14:18,593
I've got to take a leak.
318
00:14:22,531 --> 00:14:24,864
Gary, we need to tell him.
319
00:14:24,866 --> 00:14:26,899
You know how he hates surprises,
320
00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:28,400
if we just explain it to him.
321
00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:30,235
Absolutely not!
322
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:33,238
He'll cause a scene, crying
and kicking and screaming.
323
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,040
Do you want other people
to see that?
324
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,375
Look, you heard , okay,
325
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,745
he has suffered enough
humiliation, trust me.
326
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:45,815
We did not choose
Neil's destiny.
327
00:14:46,717 --> 00:14:47,916
He did.
328
00:14:47,918 --> 00:14:52,986
[thunder and lightning]
329
00:14:52,988 --> 00:14:54,821
Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,
330
00:14:54,823 --> 00:14:57,924
Abbadon, Beelzebub, Belial,
331
00:14:57,926 --> 00:14:59,892
Prince of Darkness,
332
00:14:59,894 --> 00:15:03,028
Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,
333
00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:04,696
Abbadon, Beelzebub...
334
00:15:04,698 --> 00:15:07,331
I want you to know that it
won't just be Neil
335
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,900
who will be rewarded
for his sacrifice.
336
00:15:10,902 --> 00:15:12,868
To a new era.
337
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,403
To a new era.
338
00:15:15,405 --> 00:15:17,671
Thank you.
339
00:15:17,673 --> 00:15:19,873
[bell tolls]
340
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,041
It's almost sundown, dear.
341
00:15:22,043 --> 00:15:24,343
Oh, would you kindly excuse us?
342
00:15:24,345 --> 00:15:26,411
Of course.
343
00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,850
Good evening.
344
00:15:36,954 --> 00:15:39,520
Good evening.
345
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,189
Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,
346
00:15:43,191 --> 00:15:46,892
Abbadon, Beelzebub, Belial.
347
00:15:46,894 --> 00:15:49,895
I am so proud of you.
348
00:15:49,897 --> 00:15:51,563
Thanks.
349
00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:54,599
You've been such a good son.
350
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:14,583
There he is buddy,
huh?
351
00:16:14,585 --> 00:16:16,785
Man of the hour.
352
00:16:16,787 --> 00:16:18,787
Listen, I heard that
after the confirmation
353
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:20,922
you get to bone any woman
you want
354
00:16:20,924 --> 00:16:23,591
from within the congregation.
355
00:16:23,593 --> 00:16:24,925
If it were me I'd go for Colette
356
00:16:24,927 --> 00:16:26,826
and make her boyfriend
fucking watch.
357
00:16:26,828 --> 00:16:28,961
Don't embarrass me.
358
00:16:28,963 --> 00:16:30,395
Do I ever?
359
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:31,829
[bells ringing]
360
00:16:31,831 --> 00:16:34,898
Okay everybody,
time to get started.
361
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:56,851
Are you excited?
362
00:17:05,494 --> 00:17:07,527
Brothers and sisters,
363
00:17:07,529 --> 00:17:11,097
we are gathered together
for an ancient ceremony.
364
00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:14,100
Momentous and beautiful.
365
00:17:14,102 --> 00:17:18,003
Before we begin please turn
off your cell phones
366
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:20,505
and all other electronic
devices.
367
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:26,009
[cells turning off sounds]
368
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:30,813
Eighteen years ago our Lord
chose this young man
369
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:34,850
to join him in battle
against the Great Deceiver.
370
00:17:34,852 --> 00:17:40,155
His spirit will join with
the Father on this night.
371
00:17:40,157 --> 00:17:41,990
We now ask young Neil
372
00:17:41,992 --> 00:17:47,862
to lay his earthly vessel
upon our altar.
373
00:17:47,864 --> 00:17:51,932
Handmaidens of our Lord.
374
00:18:04,179 --> 00:18:05,211
Dude.
375
00:18:05,213 --> 00:18:07,179
I think they're
going to fuck you
376
00:18:07,181 --> 00:18:09,147
right here
in front of everyone.
377
00:18:09,149 --> 00:18:11,816
[chanting] In Nomina Satanas.
378
00:18:11,818 --> 00:18:14,218
In Nomina Satanas.
379
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:17,087
Now the time approaches
to release his spirit
380
00:18:17,089 --> 00:18:20,824
into the arms of our father
381
00:18:20,826 --> 00:18:28,198
whereupon his soul will join
our King for all eternity.
382
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:35,070
The sacrificial lamb will stand
with Lucifer in Hades.
383
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:37,072
Whoa, whoa, sacrificial lamb?
384
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,440
It's a metaphor.
385
00:18:38,442 --> 00:18:41,342
As we tear the virgins
flesh asunder
386
00:18:41,344 --> 00:18:46,046
so that the blood may spill
forth in holy offering.
387
00:18:46,048 --> 00:18:49,682
[chanting] In Nomina Satanas,
388
00:18:49,684 --> 00:18:52,785
In Nomina Satanas...
389
00:18:52,787 --> 00:18:54,853
In Nomina Satanas,
390
00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:56,421
Dude.
391
00:18:56,423 --> 00:18:58,089
Satanas Rex.
392
00:18:58,091 --> 00:18:59,223
Dude!
393
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,191
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the?
394
00:19:01,193 --> 00:19:02,225
In Nomina...
395
00:19:02,227 --> 00:19:03,059
What the fuck!
396
00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:05,027
Satanas!
397
00:19:05,029 --> 00:19:05,961
Neil! Neil!
398
00:19:05,963 --> 00:19:06,695
Hey!
399
00:19:06,697 --> 00:19:08,296
Neil!
400
00:19:08,298 --> 00:19:09,697
After him!
401
00:19:09,699 --> 00:19:11,131
Neil!
402
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:15,768
Get back here!
403
00:19:15,770 --> 00:19:16,935
Go, go, go!
404
00:19:16,937 --> 00:19:18,870
Move, move, move!
405
00:19:20,073 --> 00:19:22,273
Okay, holy shit.
406
00:19:22,275 --> 00:19:23,674
Come on.
407
00:19:33,251 --> 00:19:34,316
Oh fuck!!!!!!!
408
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,799
Come here, quickly!
409
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:53,000
Come on.
410
00:19:53,002 --> 00:19:54,601
Are they there?
411
00:19:54,603 --> 00:19:55,568
Where's my other shoe?
412
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:58,837
Where's my other shoe?
413
00:19:58,839 --> 00:20:00,338
I am so sorry, Sheldon.
414
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:03,774
I mean, what can I say?
415
00:20:03,776 --> 00:20:06,243
You can say nothing!
416
00:20:06,245 --> 00:20:08,144
[cell phone chiming]
417
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:09,778
Get that.
418
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:11,079
Hello?
419
00:20:11,081 --> 00:20:12,980
We have until sunrise
or the window will close.
420
00:20:12,982 --> 00:20:17,150
If we fail his wrath
will fall on us all!
421
00:20:17,152 --> 00:20:19,252
No, that won't happen.
422
00:20:19,254 --> 00:20:21,387
I'll go get him he'll be back
on that altar in no time.
423
00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:26,990
No! You stay right here.
424
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:31,160
Take these two with you
and fetch them back.
425
00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:36,097
We need a soft touch to lure
them back.
426
00:20:36,099 --> 00:20:39,133
You know what I'm talking about,
don't you Colette?
427
00:20:39,135 --> 00:20:40,868
I think so.
428
00:20:40,870 --> 00:20:44,504
Good girl, now go.
429
00:20:46,975 --> 00:20:52,078
And remember, as always
to keep a low profile.
430
00:20:55,183 --> 00:20:58,384
And you, if they don't return
431
00:20:58,386 --> 00:21:01,220
consider yourself excommunicated
432
00:21:01,222 --> 00:21:04,289
and you will never see
the gates of Hell!
433
00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:14,998
Matt! Matt!
434
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,733
What the fuck are you doing,
Matt!
435
00:21:16,735 --> 00:21:17,834
What the fuck, man?
436
00:21:17,836 --> 00:21:19,135
You can't take that,
437
00:21:19,137 --> 00:21:20,836
that's my families
Mexico money for the summer.
438
00:21:20,838 --> 00:21:22,170
Oh, I'm sorry
439
00:21:22,172 --> 00:21:24,405
why don't you enjoy your
lovely time in Acapulco
440
00:21:24,407 --> 00:21:25,739
and don't forget to
send me a postcard
441
00:21:25,741 --> 00:21:29,142
before they murder you.
442
00:21:29,144 --> 00:21:33,346
Dude, look my Dad's
an asshole too, okay.
443
00:21:33,348 --> 00:21:36,582
I know.
444
00:21:36,584 --> 00:21:38,250
Oh fuck me.
445
00:21:38,252 --> 00:21:39,484
I'm calling the cops.
446
00:21:39,486 --> 00:21:40,251
What?
447
00:21:40,253 --> 00:21:41,218
No, no, no, don't do that.
448
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:41,851
Don't do that.
449
00:21:41,853 --> 00:21:42,518
Fuck off.
450
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,052
Don't do that.
451
00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:45,253
Alright, my Dad's a cop and half
the force goes to our church.
452
00:21:45,255 --> 00:21:46,153
Police, please.
453
00:21:46,155 --> 00:21:47,521
No, give me.
454
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:48,321
Hello?
455
00:21:48,323 --> 00:21:49,155
This is the police.
456
00:21:49,157 --> 00:21:50,222
Hey. It's Matt, Paul's kid.
457
00:21:50,224 --> 00:21:51,823
My Dad's gone rogue.
458
00:21:51,825 --> 00:21:53,024
Matt, where are you?
459
00:21:53,026 --> 00:21:54,191
I'm at my friend Neil's house.
460
00:21:54,193 --> 00:21:55,825
Is Neil with you?
461
00:21:55,827 --> 00:21:57,426
Stay where you are, we'll send somebody right now.
462
00:21:57,428 --> 00:21:58,593
Who are you sending?
463
00:21:58,595 --> 00:22:00,194
st stay where you are Matt.
464
00:22:00,196 --> 00:22:01,395
Oh shit, fuck!
465
00:22:01,397 --> 00:22:02,996
We've got to go!
466
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:08,267
This sucks, alright, we could
be at Cheryl's party right now
467
00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:10,602
totally enjoying the all
you can eat vagina buffet
468
00:22:10,604 --> 00:22:12,870
or muffet if you will.
469
00:22:12,872 --> 00:22:14,271
Wait.
470
00:22:14,273 --> 00:22:17,374
This all happened because
you're a virgin right,
471
00:22:17,376 --> 00:22:21,110
so we get you laid
problem solved.
472
00:22:22,546 --> 00:22:24,412
Oh, I've got it.
473
00:22:24,414 --> 00:22:25,746
Who are you calling?
474
00:22:25,748 --> 00:22:27,347
Stop, stop, stop calling people.
475
00:22:27,349 --> 00:22:29,182
Okay, what?
476
00:22:29,184 --> 00:22:30,349
Denise!
477
00:22:30,351 --> 00:22:32,084
A friend fuck, oh
that's brilliant.
478
00:22:32,086 --> 00:22:34,252
Come on, I mean we give
her rides all the time I mean.
479
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:49,266
[dog barking in the distance]
480
00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:58,475
Neil!
481
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,747
Matty?
482
00:23:04,749 --> 00:23:05,547
You guys here?
483
00:23:05,549 --> 00:23:07,048
Come on out!
484
00:23:07,050 --> 00:23:09,283
[text message alert]
485
00:23:34,242 --> 00:23:35,941
You're overthinking this,
man.
486
00:23:35,943 --> 00:23:37,342
She's my friend, alright,
487
00:23:37,344 --> 00:23:39,677
I just don't want her to feel
like she's being used.
488
00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:42,279
She's not being used,
she's saving your life.
489
00:23:42,281 --> 00:23:43,546
I know, she's saving
my life.
490
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:45,047
Exactly.
491
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,548
That's why I'm just going to
tell her the truth, alright.
492
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:49,083
Denise is super cool,
man, she'll totally get it.
493
00:23:49,085 --> 00:23:52,219
No, that's sweet okay but
women don't really respond well
494
00:23:52,221 --> 00:23:55,388
to the truth okay, it's
like they like mystery.
495
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:56,522
It's like your magic.
496
00:23:56,524 --> 00:23:57,756
If you told them how you did
the magic
497
00:23:57,758 --> 00:24:00,058
you lose the magic, right?
498
00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:01,759
Ask me how big my dick is.
499
00:24:01,761 --> 00:24:02,726
What?
500
00:24:02,728 --> 00:24:04,194
Why would I ask you that?
501
00:24:04,196 --> 00:24:05,562
Besides, I've seen it.
502
00:24:05,564 --> 00:24:06,696
It looks like a toe.
503
00:24:06,698 --> 00:24:10,366
Just bear with me okay,
just ask.
504
00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:13,435
How big is your dick.
505
00:24:13,437 --> 00:24:15,870
Well, I don't really like to
talk about it but, you know,
506
00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:17,304
it's 9 and a half inches.
507
00:24:17,306 --> 00:24:21,774
Okay, see, now I'll ask you,
how big is your dick?
508
00:24:21,776 --> 00:24:23,075
I don't know, I've never
measured it.
509
00:24:23,077 --> 00:24:23,708
Average?
510
00:24:23,710 --> 00:24:25,376
Wrong! Ten inches.
511
00:24:25,378 --> 00:24:26,477
Why would I lie?
512
00:24:26,479 --> 00:24:27,578
If the lie works I'm going
to get caught.
513
00:24:27,580 --> 00:24:29,079
It doesn't matter
that's the thing.
514
00:24:29,081 --> 00:24:31,214
Okay, by the time she finds
out that it's only five inches
515
00:24:31,216 --> 00:24:33,282
it's two inches deep.
516
00:24:34,652 --> 00:24:37,285
Oh, okay, okay Matt you're
going to stay outside, okay.
517
00:24:37,287 --> 00:24:38,419
I'm not doing this for
an audience.
518
00:24:38,421 --> 00:24:39,720
Fine.
519
00:24:39,722 --> 00:24:41,121
That's fine.
520
00:24:41,123 --> 00:24:42,455
I wash my hands of this,
521
00:24:42,457 --> 00:24:45,957
I just I'll just be out here
making phone calls.
522
00:24:45,959 --> 00:24:47,658
[doorbell]
523
00:24:50,796 --> 00:24:52,495
No Cheryl's, huh?
524
00:24:52,497 --> 00:24:54,497
Wasn't-- Wasn't feeling it,
525
00:24:54,499 --> 00:24:57,600
um, can I come in?
526
00:24:57,602 --> 00:24:58,901
Yeah, sure, why not.
527
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,272
Are your parents home?
528
00:25:04,274 --> 00:25:07,441
No.
529
00:25:07,443 --> 00:25:10,076
I've been stuck on this level
for like two days.
530
00:25:10,078 --> 00:25:12,178
I swear, one more day of this
and I am pillaging the internet
531
00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:13,512
for cheat codes.
532
00:25:13,514 --> 00:25:15,546
Dude, can you sit down,
this is pretty annoying.
533
00:25:17,783 --> 00:25:20,850
Okay, okay, I really need
to talk.
534
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:24,586
I really need to talk to you
about something.
535
00:25:24,588 --> 00:25:26,454
It's kind of a big deal.
536
00:25:26,456 --> 00:25:28,823
Okay, talk.
537
00:25:28,825 --> 00:25:30,257
Yeah.
538
00:25:30,259 --> 00:25:34,294
Only Denise can be this busy!
539
00:25:34,296 --> 00:25:35,628
Okay.
540
00:25:35,630 --> 00:25:36,962
Hey, Amy.
541
00:25:36,964 --> 00:25:38,430
It's Matt, listen.
542
00:25:38,432 --> 00:25:42,000
There's some crazy shit going
down tonight
543
00:25:42,002 --> 00:25:44,969
like end of the world type stuff
544
00:25:44,971 --> 00:25:47,137
so Cheryl's party might
be your last chance
545
00:25:47,139 --> 00:25:49,005
to get with me, alright?
546
00:25:49,007 --> 00:25:51,307
Holler back.
547
00:25:51,309 --> 00:25:53,309
You know how much
I respect you.
548
00:25:53,311 --> 00:25:53,976
Yeah.
549
00:25:53,978 --> 00:25:57,679
So much, yeah, okay.
550
00:25:57,681 --> 00:26:01,448
Um, I think you're awesome.
551
00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:05,150
I think you're kind of
a dork.
552
00:26:05,152 --> 00:26:06,518
Uh, what I am about to ask
553
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,920
I can never ask anybody else.
554
00:26:12,357 --> 00:26:14,490
Okay, drama queen.
555
00:26:14,492 --> 00:26:18,160
I just need you to say that you
will do this one thing for me
556
00:26:18,162 --> 00:26:21,730
and I promise I will never ask
you for anything ever again
557
00:26:21,732 --> 00:26:24,799
as long as I live, which
might not be for long.
558
00:26:24,801 --> 00:26:28,502
Lets hear it.
559
00:26:28,504 --> 00:26:31,571
I need you to have sex
with me tonight.
560
00:26:31,573 --> 00:26:35,607
If you don't I'm going to die.
561
00:26:36,409 --> 00:26:37,875
I just, I just need to put it in
562
00:26:37,877 --> 00:26:39,810
it doesn't have to be
anything special.
563
00:26:39,812 --> 00:26:41,545
I don't know what the fuck
I'm going to be doing
564
00:26:41,547 --> 00:26:43,647
but I don't even know the rules
I don't know I just -
565
00:26:43,649 --> 00:26:45,715
What the fuck, Neil?
566
00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:52,253
There's some crazy shit
going down tonight
567
00:26:52,255 --> 00:26:55,522
like end of the world type stuff
so Cheryl's party might be
568
00:26:55,524 --> 00:26:58,892
your last chance to get
with me so.
569
00:26:58,894 --> 00:27:00,493
Holler back.
570
00:27:00,495 --> 00:27:02,194
Normally I would never
think of doing anything
571
00:27:02,196 --> 00:27:03,662
remotely sexual with you
572
00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:05,530
but I am
really fucking desperate.
573
00:27:05,532 --> 00:27:08,399
I just need you to just let me
just fuck
574
00:27:08,401 --> 00:27:11,235
like just no meaning to it,
575
00:27:11,237 --> 00:27:13,503
just the tip, anything
will work.
576
00:27:13,505 --> 00:27:15,438
Oh, keep going lover boy
really my panties are dripping,
577
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:16,071
I swear.
578
00:27:16,073 --> 00:27:17,705
[knocking]
579
00:27:17,707 --> 00:27:18,505
They're here!
580
00:27:18,507 --> 00:27:20,240
Holy fuck!
581
00:27:20,242 --> 00:27:21,574
Oh.
582
00:27:21,576 --> 00:27:22,374
Denise.
583
00:27:22,376 --> 00:27:23,608
Okay, lets do it.
584
00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:24,542
Really, the sheer balls of
it is impressive.
585
00:27:24,544 --> 00:27:26,110
I'm not fucking
with you okay,
586
00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:27,878
you know the church
my family belongs to?
587
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,713
It's kind of different.
588
00:27:29,715 --> 00:27:32,082
Well, they just tried
to sacrifice me
589
00:27:32,084 --> 00:27:33,516
because I'm a virgin.
590
00:27:33,518 --> 00:27:35,050
What?
591
00:27:35,052 --> 00:27:36,618
[doorbell]
592
00:27:36,620 --> 00:27:37,752
I've never had sex before.
593
00:27:37,754 --> 00:27:38,886
Yeah, I know what a
fucking virgin is
594
00:27:38,888 --> 00:27:40,354
but what the fuck
are you talking about?
595
00:27:40,356 --> 00:27:42,923
Unless I lose my virginity
tonight
596
00:27:42,925 --> 00:27:44,858
they're going to sacrifice
my ass!
597
00:27:44,860 --> 00:27:46,059
To Satan!
598
00:27:46,061 --> 00:27:48,261
They're here! Come on!
599
00:27:48,263 --> 00:27:48,894
Oh my god!
600
00:27:48,896 --> 00:27:50,595
[laughs]
601
00:27:50,597 --> 00:27:51,762
Denise, it's not fucking funny!
602
00:27:51,764 --> 00:27:54,598
[ringing doorbell and
pounding on door]
603
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,099
Oh.
604
00:27:56,101 --> 00:27:58,634
Listen, I need to know if
this is going to happen
605
00:27:58,636 --> 00:27:59,868
or I've really got to run.
606
00:27:59,870 --> 00:28:01,302
Neil, I don't know what
the fuck you're on
607
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:03,237
but you're being a real
asshole right now.
608
00:28:03,239 --> 00:28:04,238
I'm going to get the door.
609
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,606
Oh my god, listen to me.
610
00:28:05,608 --> 00:28:07,674
Oh fuck.
611
00:28:09,811 --> 00:28:11,710
Yeah?
612
00:28:11,712 --> 00:28:13,111
Hey, oh my god this is
so annoying
613
00:28:13,113 --> 00:28:15,880
but you wouldn't happen
to have seen Neil?
614
00:28:15,882 --> 00:28:17,314
No.
615
00:28:17,316 --> 00:28:19,449
Well, we were all just hanging
out at the mall you know,
616
00:28:19,451 --> 00:28:23,719
listening to CD's
and he just ran off.
617
00:28:23,721 --> 00:28:25,087
We think he might be
losing his mind
618
00:28:25,089 --> 00:28:27,589
we were just really worried so.
619
00:28:27,591 --> 00:28:30,158
Well, he was babbling nonsense.
620
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,094
So, you saw him?
621
00:28:33,096 --> 00:28:34,261
Yeah.
622
00:28:34,263 --> 00:28:36,296
Do you want to maybe tell us
where he went?
623
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:38,765
Sorry, who are you guys?
624
00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:42,001
Oh hi, I'm Brad and it would
be really helpful
625
00:28:42,003 --> 00:28:44,869
if you could help us find him.
626
00:28:46,772 --> 00:28:49,038
Alright, uh yeah, come in.
627
00:28:52,676 --> 00:28:54,275
How'd they know we were here?
628
00:28:54,277 --> 00:28:54,975
I don't know.
629
00:28:54,977 --> 00:28:56,009
Fucked!
630
00:28:56,011 --> 00:28:58,344
Oh shit, shit, shit.
631
00:28:59,080 --> 00:28:59,611
These pants are too tight.
632
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:00,244
Okay.
633
00:29:00,246 --> 00:29:01,111
Ow, my nuts!
634
00:29:01,113 --> 00:29:03,246
Come on, come on. I've got you.
635
00:29:03,248 --> 00:29:03,980
Lets go.
636
00:29:03,982 --> 00:29:05,081
Go.
637
00:29:05,083 --> 00:29:06,782
So, it's just down this
street here
638
00:29:06,784 --> 00:29:10,652
oh but it's a one way so you
should just go around via Oak
639
00:29:10,654 --> 00:29:13,721
and Cheryl's house should
just be right there.
640
00:29:18,961 --> 00:29:21,494
You've been incredibly helpful,
thank you.
641
00:29:21,496 --> 00:29:23,496
Yeah, how do you guys know
Neal again?
642
00:29:23,498 --> 00:29:24,630
From church.
643
00:29:24,632 --> 00:29:25,797
What church is that?
644
00:29:25,799 --> 00:29:27,698
You've never heard of it.
645
00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:29,766
We worship Satan.
646
00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:40,943
Fuck.
647
00:29:43,314 --> 00:29:46,081
Dude, you have nothing
to lose.
648
00:29:46,083 --> 00:29:50,718
No, humiliation is worse
than death.
649
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,786
You've never walked into
a room where everybody
650
00:29:52,788 --> 00:29:54,154
has seen you wearing jizz.
651
00:29:54,156 --> 00:29:58,157
Ah, yes. I have.
652
00:29:58,159 --> 00:30:00,159
I can't do it, I choose death.
653
00:30:00,161 --> 00:30:01,994
No, no, no, no, no.
654
00:30:01,996 --> 00:30:03,161
Wait, wait, wait okay.
655
00:30:03,163 --> 00:30:04,795
Your parents almost
killing you tonight
656
00:30:04,797 --> 00:30:07,063
that's the best thing that
could have happened to you.
657
00:30:07,065 --> 00:30:09,799
They lit a fire under your ass
to go out there grab
658
00:30:09,801 --> 00:30:15,471
life by the ears and make
sweet sweet love to his mouth.
659
00:30:15,473 --> 00:30:19,574
Fuck, you're a selfish prick
you know that?
660
00:30:19,576 --> 00:30:20,975
How am I selfish?
661
00:30:20,977 --> 00:30:23,510
Because this is your
last chance, Neal.
662
00:30:23,512 --> 00:30:25,111
If you don't go in there
and bust your hymen
663
00:30:25,113 --> 00:30:26,745
then you're a dead man.
664
00:30:26,747 --> 00:30:27,979
And then that's on my head
665
00:30:27,981 --> 00:30:33,417
and I can't live with that
shit so fuck you.
666
00:30:33,419 --> 00:30:36,086
I wouldn't want me dying to
be a source of guilt for you
667
00:30:36,088 --> 00:30:38,421
or anything.
668
00:30:38,423 --> 00:30:40,989
Yes!
669
00:30:43,093 --> 00:30:49,296
[dance music]
¶¶¶
670
00:30:49,298 --> 00:30:52,766
Aw, see, it's not so bad huh?
671
00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:57,804
Uh, shit, uh lets get you
a beer this way.
672
00:30:57,806 --> 00:31:00,273
Ladies, you guys know Neal
right?
673
00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:00,873
Hi Neal.
674
00:31:00,875 --> 00:31:01,807
Hey.
675
00:31:01,809 --> 00:31:03,875
Oh, can I play one with you?
676
00:31:03,877 --> 00:31:06,110
Here we go, here we go,
beer pong baby.
677
00:31:10,983 --> 00:31:14,884
Neal, wait, Neal. Neal!
678
00:31:14,886 --> 00:31:18,520
Hey, look everybody
it's the man himself!
679
00:31:18,522 --> 00:31:20,588
Lets all do the fucking Neal!
680
00:31:30,799 --> 00:31:32,632
Dude, hey.
681
00:31:35,703 --> 00:31:37,002
Oh my god, that was
the worst thing
682
00:31:37,004 --> 00:31:39,204
I've ever seen happen
to anybody.
683
00:31:39,206 --> 00:31:42,273
You need a shot.
684
00:31:46,712 --> 00:31:47,844
To hitting bottom.
685
00:31:47,846 --> 00:31:49,378
Nowhere to go but up.
686
00:31:49,380 --> 00:31:51,980
Nowhere.
687
00:31:51,982 --> 00:31:55,216
Oh, oh that's awful.
688
00:32:01,991 --> 00:32:06,259
[gags]
689
00:32:14,868 --> 00:32:17,001
[knocking]
690
00:32:17,003 --> 00:32:18,335
(Male voice): Who's in there?
691
00:32:18,337 --> 00:32:21,237
I think it's that masturbating guy.
692
00:32:21,239 --> 00:32:22,905
Hey man, you jerking off in there?
693
00:32:22,907 --> 00:32:23,839
[pounding on door]
694
00:32:23,841 --> 00:32:25,006
Need some rhythm bro?
695
00:32:25,008 --> 00:32:28,376
[chanting] Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
696
00:32:28,378 --> 00:32:30,044
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
697
00:32:30,046 --> 00:32:31,512
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
698
00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:33,847
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
699
00:32:33,849 --> 00:32:35,882
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
700
00:32:35,884 --> 00:32:38,050
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
701
00:32:38,052 --> 00:32:40,085
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
702
00:32:40,087 --> 00:32:42,220
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
703
00:32:42,222 --> 00:32:44,055
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
704
00:32:44,057 --> 00:32:45,923
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
705
00:32:45,925 --> 00:32:47,591
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
706
00:32:47,593 --> 00:32:50,427
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
707
00:32:50,429 --> 00:32:51,861
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
708
00:32:51,863 --> 00:32:55,931
[cheering]
709
00:32:59,136 --> 00:33:01,802
What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
710
00:33:03,238 --> 00:33:05,538
Whoa!!!
711
00:33:05,540 --> 00:33:07,039
Behold!
712
00:33:07,041 --> 00:33:10,642
The Great Master Bater.
713
00:33:10,644 --> 00:33:13,478
[cheers]
714
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:17,881
And I give to you my fabulous
phallus of fun.
715
00:33:17,883 --> 00:33:20,783
(Crowd): Oooh!
716
00:33:26,890 --> 00:33:28,155
[loud pop sound]
717
00:33:28,157 --> 00:33:31,625
[cheering]
718
00:33:31,627 --> 00:33:33,126
Thank you, thank you.
719
00:33:33,128 --> 00:33:36,795
Now, I need a volunteer
for this next trick.
720
00:33:36,797 --> 00:33:40,030
How about um you.
721
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:42,265
Fuck that.
722
00:33:42,267 --> 00:33:44,233
We've got a bashful one,
folks.
723
00:33:44,235 --> 00:33:46,068
Lets give him
some encouragement.
724
00:33:46,070 --> 00:33:46,902
Kent!
725
00:33:46,904 --> 00:33:48,236
Kent!
726
00:33:48,238 --> 00:33:49,971
(Chanting):
Kent! Kent!
727
00:33:49,973 --> 00:33:52,006
Kent! Kent.
728
00:33:52,008 --> 00:33:53,574
Kent! Kent.
729
00:33:53,576 --> 00:33:54,942
Kent! Kent.
730
00:33:54,944 --> 00:33:56,677
Kent! Kent.
731
00:33:56,679 --> 00:33:57,944
Kent! Kent.
732
00:33:57,946 --> 00:34:04,316
[cheering and applause]
733
00:34:04,318 --> 00:34:08,419
Now, I need complete silence
for this next trick.
734
00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:11,188
Touch me and you're
a dead man.
735
00:34:11,190 --> 00:34:12,956
(Crowd): Oooh!!!!!
736
00:34:12,958 --> 00:34:14,891
Alright.
737
00:34:17,262 --> 00:34:20,029
Pick a card, any card.
738
00:34:20,031 --> 00:34:22,698
What? A stupid card trick?
739
00:34:22,700 --> 00:34:24,766
Any card at all.
740
00:34:27,804 --> 00:34:30,971
Now show it to the room.
741
00:34:30,973 --> 00:34:33,039
Did you guys get
a good look?
742
00:34:33,041 --> 00:34:35,106
Now put it back.
743
00:34:36,876 --> 00:34:37,975
Alright.
744
00:34:37,977 --> 00:34:41,945
Kent, is this your card?
745
00:34:41,947 --> 00:34:43,680
Fuck no.
746
00:34:43,682 --> 00:34:45,114
Is this his card?
747
00:34:45,116 --> 00:34:46,948
No.
748
00:34:49,519 --> 00:34:51,185
Oh. Check your pants.
749
00:34:51,187 --> 00:34:53,153
Check my what?
750
00:34:53,155 --> 00:34:54,888
Your pants.
751
00:34:56,458 --> 00:34:58,891
Fuck!
752
00:34:58,893 --> 00:34:59,791
What the fuck!
753
00:34:59,793 --> 00:35:06,797
[applause]
754
00:35:06,799 --> 00:35:09,032
Thank you.
755
00:35:12,070 --> 00:35:15,171
That was, that was
pretty awesome.
756
00:35:15,173 --> 00:35:18,741
Yeah, you want to see
another one?
757
00:35:18,743 --> 00:35:20,809
Maybe.
758
00:35:23,079 --> 00:35:33,153
¶
759
00:35:33,155 --> 00:35:43,596
¶
760
00:35:49,103 --> 00:35:50,368
Oh fuck.
761
00:35:50,370 --> 00:35:51,836
Just!
762
00:36:06,018 --> 00:36:08,051
Like my outfit?
763
00:36:08,053 --> 00:36:09,185
It's really pretty.
764
00:36:09,187 --> 00:36:12,621
Thanks.
765
00:36:12,623 --> 00:36:14,389
Take the back of the knee,
right,
766
00:36:14,391 --> 00:36:16,624
it's surprisingly sensitive.
767
00:36:16,626 --> 00:36:19,426
It can't always be about
the clitoris.
768
00:36:19,428 --> 00:36:21,694
Oh hey, you go
to my church.
769
00:36:21,696 --> 00:36:22,695
Oh, that's right.
770
00:36:22,697 --> 00:36:24,396
It is so good to see you.
771
00:36:24,398 --> 00:36:26,264
It's good to see you.
772
00:36:26,266 --> 00:36:27,732
So, where's Neal?
773
00:36:27,734 --> 00:36:29,934
Neal, Neal's amazing.
774
00:36:29,936 --> 00:36:31,035
I know, right?
775
00:36:31,037 --> 00:36:32,536
Where is he?
776
00:36:32,538 --> 00:36:35,038
No, no, no, no,
I'm not telling you.
777
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,106
You I'm not going to tell.
778
00:36:37,108 --> 00:36:39,741
Please tell me?
779
00:36:39,743 --> 00:36:42,210
Please? Please?
780
00:36:42,212 --> 00:36:43,611
Tell me?
781
00:36:43,613 --> 00:36:45,813
You smell like cinnamon.
782
00:36:45,815 --> 00:36:48,649
Okay, okay, okay I'll tell
you okay
783
00:36:48,651 --> 00:36:53,720
but you're a little late because
he's already having sex.
784
00:37:01,796 --> 00:37:03,428
So, what are you into?
785
00:37:03,430 --> 00:37:06,798
Besides magic I like
video games,
786
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:08,166
I kind of like the retro stuff
787
00:37:08,168 --> 00:37:11,435
because it's more
about the game play.
788
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:14,671
I meant like in bed.
789
00:37:14,673 --> 00:37:16,572
Uh.
790
00:37:17,841 --> 00:37:21,008
You want to fuck me,
don't you?
791
00:37:21,010 --> 00:37:25,111
That would be super helpful.
792
00:37:25,113 --> 00:37:26,278
Yeah.
793
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:27,078
I mean yes.
794
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,146
Ok.
795
00:37:33,285 --> 00:37:36,753
Neal?
796
00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:39,222
Neal, are you up here?
797
00:37:42,327 --> 00:37:43,826
Are you ready?
798
00:37:43,828 --> 00:37:45,261
I think so.
799
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:46,395
You feel ready.
800
00:37:46,397 --> 00:37:48,029
I feel ready.
801
00:37:51,401 --> 00:37:53,200
This is not what it looks
like!
802
00:37:53,202 --> 00:37:55,635
Cheryl? Really?
803
00:37:55,637 --> 00:37:56,969
I asked you first.
804
00:37:56,971 --> 00:37:58,637
You know I just came to warn
you that these people
805
00:37:58,639 --> 00:38:01,039
from your church are coming.
806
00:38:01,041 --> 00:38:02,740
Oh. Can we still do this?
807
00:38:02,742 --> 00:38:05,109
You're kidding, right?
808
00:38:11,116 --> 00:38:12,915
Oh shit, fuck.
809
00:38:12,917 --> 00:38:14,950
Do something.
810
00:38:27,463 --> 00:38:28,795
That was close.
811
00:38:28,797 --> 00:38:30,129
Lets go.
812
00:38:30,131 --> 00:38:32,397
No, I'll stay here and buy you
some time.
813
00:38:32,399 --> 00:38:33,264
Denise, it's not safe.
814
00:38:33,266 --> 00:38:34,465
They're not after me okay,
815
00:38:34,467 --> 00:38:36,667
we'll catch up later and
see what happens.
816
00:38:36,669 --> 00:38:38,168
So, you believe me now?
817
00:38:38,170 --> 00:38:41,304
Yes, I believe you're being
hunted by a Satanic cult.
818
00:38:41,306 --> 00:38:42,905
Go.
819
00:38:47,311 --> 00:38:48,810
Did you see Neal?
820
00:38:48,812 --> 00:38:51,913
Jesus, is every girl at this
party trying to get with him?
821
00:38:51,915 --> 00:38:53,281
Where is he?
822
00:38:53,283 --> 00:38:54,415
Hi.
823
00:38:54,417 --> 00:38:56,382
Hey.
824
00:38:58,452 --> 00:39:02,420
[¶¶¶]
825
00:39:02,422 --> 00:39:03,487
Matt?
826
00:39:07,859 --> 00:39:09,625
Oh my god, hey!
827
00:39:09,627 --> 00:39:12,094
You know, I was wondering
where all the hot guys were.
828
00:39:12,096 --> 00:39:14,196
What are you doing here?
829
00:39:18,768 --> 00:39:20,267
[gagging]
830
00:39:20,269 --> 00:39:21,534
Matt, come on we have to go.
831
00:39:21,536 --> 00:39:22,535
What?
832
00:39:22,537 --> 00:39:24,370
We have to go, get up.
833
00:39:24,372 --> 00:39:26,772
Wait, wait, wait, do I have puke
in my teeth?
834
00:39:26,774 --> 00:39:28,106
Where's your friend?
835
00:39:28,108 --> 00:39:28,840
Who?
836
00:39:28,842 --> 00:39:30,541
Neal?
837
00:39:30,543 --> 00:39:32,643
Uh, did you try upstairs?
838
00:39:32,645 --> 00:39:34,378
Yeah.
839
00:39:38,517 --> 00:39:41,451
Oh, I've just got to sit
for a sec.
840
00:39:41,453 --> 00:39:42,385
Oooh!!!
841
00:39:42,387 --> 00:39:43,319
Ow.
842
00:39:43,321 --> 00:39:44,353
Dude!
843
00:39:44,355 --> 00:39:45,287
Oh, the keys.
844
00:39:45,289 --> 00:39:46,988
We've got to go man!
845
00:39:46,990 --> 00:39:47,855
Alright.
846
00:39:47,857 --> 00:39:49,623
I've got the key.
847
00:39:49,625 --> 00:39:51,791
You're all smiling.
848
00:39:54,495 --> 00:39:57,696
Hey guys, wait,
where are you going?
849
00:39:57,698 --> 00:39:59,230
We're not stealing a car.
850
00:39:59,232 --> 00:40:01,498
No, we're borrowing it.
851
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:05,134
[drunken laugh]
852
00:40:05,136 --> 00:40:08,470
[struggling grunts]
853
00:40:08,472 --> 00:40:10,038
That's it, that's it for you.
854
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,206
[grunts]
855
00:40:14,910 --> 00:40:18,478
Oh hey, so this church is it
like any regular church or?
856
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:21,013
No, it's the exact opposite.
857
00:40:21,015 --> 00:40:24,049
Oh okay, so your altar boys
molest your priests then?
858
00:40:24,051 --> 00:40:26,117
I don't really know.
859
00:40:29,322 --> 00:40:30,187
[crash]
860
00:40:30,189 --> 00:40:31,087
Oh shit, sorry.
861
00:40:31,089 --> 00:40:31,887
[alarm wailing]
862
00:40:31,889 --> 00:40:33,388
There.
863
00:40:33,390 --> 00:40:36,491
You'd better drive, you've
got to be responsible here.
864
00:40:36,493 --> 00:40:39,026
[car horn]
865
00:40:39,028 --> 00:40:40,560
Ahhhh!!!!!!!
866
00:40:40,562 --> 00:40:41,761
We're not going to hurt you!
867
00:40:41,763 --> 00:40:42,394
Go! Go!
868
00:40:42,396 --> 00:40:43,595
Go! Go!
869
00:40:43,597 --> 00:40:44,896
Get out of the goddamn car!
870
00:40:44,898 --> 00:40:46,430
Go, go, go, go, go!
871
00:40:46,432 --> 00:40:48,298
Come on!
872
00:40:51,569 --> 00:40:53,268
Get the truck.
873
00:40:54,337 --> 00:40:56,970
Put her in the car!
874
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:03,542
[squeals]
875
00:41:03,544 --> 00:41:05,043
How the fuck did they
find us?
876
00:41:05,045 --> 00:41:09,347
I'll tell you how, your friend
without benefits sold us out.
877
00:41:09,349 --> 00:41:10,614
Denise?
878
00:41:10,616 --> 00:41:12,782
No fucking way man,
she helped us escape dude.
879
00:41:12,784 --> 00:41:14,049
Aw, barely.
880
00:41:14,051 --> 00:41:15,250
You don't know what you're
talking about,
881
00:41:15,252 --> 00:41:16,551
how about your dad?
882
00:41:16,553 --> 00:41:18,119
The cop?
883
00:41:18,121 --> 00:41:19,954
I bet you 50 bucks he's got some
kind of tracking chip implanted
884
00:41:19,956 --> 00:41:21,789
into your nut sack.
885
00:41:21,791 --> 00:41:24,525
Listen, there are Satanists
all over this town.
886
00:41:24,527 --> 00:41:25,792
It could be anyone, okay?
887
00:41:25,794 --> 00:41:28,528
It could be you know
the fucking taxi drivers,
888
00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:33,265
waitresses, cops, hobos,
fucking baristas,
889
00:41:33,267 --> 00:41:36,935
dog groomers, fucking vegans,
fucking hipsters man.
890
00:41:36,937 --> 00:41:38,703
You're right, you're right,
891
00:41:38,705 --> 00:41:40,371
we've got to keep
our eyes peeled.
892
00:41:40,373 --> 00:41:45,242
Bottom line, the only people we
can trust are each other, okay?
893
00:41:45,244 --> 00:41:50,079
Wait, what if you just lied.
894
00:41:50,081 --> 00:41:51,480
How would they know?
895
00:41:51,482 --> 00:41:53,949
They will know, my mom is
a bloodhound for bullshit.
896
00:41:53,951 --> 00:41:56,117
What self respecting teenager
doesn't know how to lie
897
00:41:56,119 --> 00:41:57,418
to his own mother?
898
00:41:57,420 --> 00:42:00,320
She can smell it on my breath.
899
00:42:00,322 --> 00:42:02,555
Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck.
900
00:42:02,557 --> 00:42:03,822
[car horn wailing]
901
00:42:03,824 --> 00:42:04,589
What?
902
00:42:04,591 --> 00:42:05,423
Fuck!
903
00:42:05,425 --> 00:42:06,757
What?
904
00:42:06,759 --> 00:42:08,558
What's wrong?
905
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:09,625
We're out of gas.
906
00:42:15,165 --> 00:42:17,231
Maybe the Satanists will be
too scared to follow us here.
907
00:42:27,609 --> 00:42:30,009
It's one of those
pre-paid deals.
908
00:42:30,011 --> 00:42:32,077
I got it.
909
00:42:36,750 --> 00:42:40,251
Hi, fifty bucks on pump two.
910
00:42:45,090 --> 00:42:48,091
(Sheldon): Let the scales fall from your eyes
911
00:42:48,093 --> 00:42:54,630
for God is the deceiverand Satan is the salvation.
912
00:42:54,632 --> 00:42:57,699
il's mom): Sheldon told ust you had a special purpose.
913
00:43:09,312 --> 00:43:10,144
What?
914
00:43:10,146 --> 00:43:12,212
I'm going to pay for it.
915
00:43:16,784 --> 00:43:19,651
Yo dude, what the fuck
is all that?
916
00:43:19,653 --> 00:43:22,186
Provisions, in case we have
to go into hiding.
917
00:43:22,188 --> 00:43:24,555
Yeah, hiding, about that.
918
00:43:24,557 --> 00:43:27,057
I've been thinking hiding
might not be the best idea,
919
00:43:27,059 --> 00:43:27,991
I mean.
920
00:43:27,993 --> 00:43:29,792
Okay, come on,
get in the car.
921
00:43:29,794 --> 00:43:31,360
No, no, no this might sound
a little fucked up
922
00:43:31,362 --> 00:43:33,195
but if any of this shit is real
923
00:43:33,197 --> 00:43:38,033
then getting me laid might
actually save the world.
924
00:43:40,137 --> 00:43:42,237
Get in the car,
come on.
925
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:44,305
What? I'm kind of serious.
926
00:43:44,307 --> 00:43:46,073
I know you're serious,
that's why this is
927
00:43:46,075 --> 00:43:47,474
so fucking insane man.
928
00:43:47,476 --> 00:43:49,309
That's like delusions
of grandeur much?
929
00:43:49,311 --> 00:43:50,810
They tried to kill me.
930
00:43:50,812 --> 00:43:53,479
If this shit is real nobody
is safe, you get that right?
931
00:43:53,481 --> 00:43:55,380
Dude, there is no Hell.
932
00:43:55,382 --> 00:43:57,682
There's no Satan
or any of that shit.
933
00:43:57,684 --> 00:44:00,518
I mean, your parents, my
parents, Sheldon, Mary,
934
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:02,486
they're all just brainwashed
lunatics dude.
935
00:44:02,488 --> 00:44:04,654
The sooner you realize that
the freer you'll be,
936
00:44:04,656 --> 00:44:07,390
come on dude look at me.
937
00:44:07,392 --> 00:44:10,092
I'm just living in the moment
having a fucking blast
938
00:44:10,094 --> 00:44:13,361
enjoying not one but
two flavours of beef jerky.
939
00:44:13,363 --> 00:44:17,164
It's no big deal because I
know at the end of the day
940
00:44:17,166 --> 00:44:20,600
the only asshole who
is judging me is me.
941
00:44:20,602 --> 00:44:23,269
You know why I'm here,
right?
942
00:44:23,271 --> 00:44:25,104
Because I'm your only friend.
943
00:44:25,106 --> 00:44:27,506
Yes, that and because
I want to be there
944
00:44:27,508 --> 00:44:33,211
for the first moment that your
dick tastes vaginal glory.
945
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:34,679
You want to watch me have
sex?
946
00:44:34,681 --> 00:44:35,746
No, no dude.
947
00:44:35,748 --> 00:44:38,515
I just want to see you be happy.
948
00:44:38,517 --> 00:44:40,350
Come on, man.
949
00:44:40,352 --> 00:44:42,118
Be happy?
950
00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:43,853
You just want to live
vicariously through me
951
00:44:43,855 --> 00:44:45,754
because you're not.
952
00:44:45,756 --> 00:44:47,589
Not what?
953
00:44:47,591 --> 00:44:49,857
Nothing.
954
00:44:49,859 --> 00:44:51,091
Never mind, I didn't say that.
955
00:44:51,093 --> 00:44:52,292
Oh.
956
00:44:52,294 --> 00:44:56,195
Because I'm not cool enough
for you?
957
00:44:56,197 --> 00:44:59,364
Because I'm just your tag-a-long
friend, right?
958
00:44:59,366 --> 00:45:00,932
And now all of a sudden that
you're Mr. Popular
959
00:45:00,934 --> 00:45:03,601
you can't hang out
with a loser like me?
960
00:45:03,603 --> 00:45:04,535
Did I say that?
961
00:45:04,537 --> 00:45:05,802
Oh please, Neal.
962
00:45:05,804 --> 00:45:06,702
Be my friend.
963
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,571
Here, take my jerky.
964
00:45:08,573 --> 00:45:09,705
How much for a sleepover.
965
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:10,872
You want to hang out now?
966
00:45:10,874 --> 00:45:11,572
Huh?
967
00:45:11,574 --> 00:45:12,406
Take everything.
968
00:45:12,408 --> 00:45:13,140
Stop.
969
00:45:13,142 --> 00:45:13,740
Everything I have.
970
00:45:13,742 --> 00:45:16,709
Stop. Stop.
971
00:45:16,711 --> 00:45:18,177
Whoa.
972
00:45:18,179 --> 00:45:19,344
What?
973
00:45:19,346 --> 00:45:21,813
I can't believe I'm even
suggesting this.
974
00:45:21,815 --> 00:45:23,881
What?
975
00:45:23,883 --> 00:45:25,949
Prostitutes.
976
00:45:27,852 --> 00:45:28,884
Prostitutes.
977
00:45:28,886 --> 00:45:30,552
Prostitutes.
978
00:45:30,554 --> 00:45:32,420
Prostitutes!
979
00:45:32,422 --> 00:45:36,690
Prostitutes!
980
00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:37,857
Fuck yeah.
981
00:45:37,859 --> 00:45:39,825
Fuck yeah man.
982
00:45:45,665 --> 00:45:47,364
Alright.
983
00:45:47,366 --> 00:45:49,432
Keep looking.
984
00:45:52,103 --> 00:45:55,337
It does not look good
I'm afraid.
985
00:45:55,339 --> 00:45:57,539
He'll show up Sheldon,
trust me.
986
00:45:57,541 --> 00:46:00,341
You don't have to fear me,
Gary.
987
00:46:00,343 --> 00:46:02,109
I'm on your side.
988
00:46:02,111 --> 00:46:06,613
But you need to fear,
what we all need to fear,
989
00:46:06,615 --> 00:46:08,448
is our Lord below.
990
00:46:08,450 --> 00:46:13,352
I'm merely an instrument
of his wrath.
991
00:46:13,354 --> 00:46:15,520
What Sheldon is trying
to say is that -
992
00:46:15,522 --> 00:46:17,355
Yes, Mary.
993
00:46:17,357 --> 00:46:21,525
Explain to them what
I'm trying to say.
994
00:46:21,527 --> 00:46:27,530
What Sheldon is trying to say
is that if Neal doesn't show up
995
00:46:27,532 --> 00:46:32,200
we're going to need to find some
kind of replacement offering.
996
00:46:32,202 --> 00:46:35,436
Thank you for clarifying
my dear.
997
00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:39,506
Oh.
998
00:46:48,716 --> 00:46:50,282
Oh, this is sad.
999
00:46:50,284 --> 00:46:52,550
We should be helping these women
not exploiting them.
1000
00:46:52,552 --> 00:46:56,120
Hey, hey, hey, this was
this was your idea.
1001
00:46:56,122 --> 00:46:59,256
I know I just thought it
would be less tragic somehow.
1002
00:46:59,258 --> 00:47:03,059
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop.
1003
00:47:03,061 --> 00:47:06,896
Hey, you looking to make
some real cash money
1004
00:47:06,898 --> 00:47:10,966
and get serviced by a couple of
barely legal studs?
1005
00:47:14,737 --> 00:47:15,469
Both of you looking?
1006
00:47:15,471 --> 00:47:16,403
No.
1007
00:47:16,405 --> 00:47:17,904
Yes, yes.
1008
00:47:17,906 --> 00:47:21,907
How much?
1009
00:47:21,909 --> 00:47:24,409
That depends on what
you want.
1010
00:47:24,411 --> 00:47:28,479
Uh, I just really need to lose
my virginity tonight so.
1011
00:47:36,788 --> 00:47:41,189
Yeah, I can help you out.
1012
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:43,424
But not here.
1013
00:47:43,426 --> 00:47:46,293
Meet me there and ask
for Ashley.
1014
00:47:46,295 --> 00:47:48,561
Oh.
1015
00:48:00,841 --> 00:48:01,973
Is this it?
1016
00:48:01,975 --> 00:48:06,943
Yeah, yeah.
1017
00:48:06,945 --> 00:48:10,446
Can I help you?
1018
00:48:10,448 --> 00:48:13,615
[whispers] Is this the house of
ill repute?
1019
00:48:13,617 --> 00:48:15,850
You don't have to whisper.
1020
00:48:15,852 --> 00:48:18,886
Oh, oh okay.
1021
00:48:18,888 --> 00:48:21,822
I'd like one prostitute please.
1022
00:48:21,824 --> 00:48:22,823
Alright.
1023
00:48:22,825 --> 00:48:24,691
What were you looking
for exactly?
1024
00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:26,826
I'd like a good personality,
1025
00:48:26,828 --> 00:48:31,062
I'd like a cute laugh,
and boobs.
1026
00:48:31,064 --> 00:48:32,229
They all have boobs.
1027
00:48:32,231 --> 00:48:33,897
We'll take Ashley.
1028
00:48:33,899 --> 00:48:35,832
Great.
1029
00:48:35,834 --> 00:48:36,732
Great.
1030
00:48:36,734 --> 00:48:37,833
Yeah.
1031
00:48:37,835 --> 00:48:38,667
Go with that.
1032
00:48:38,669 --> 00:48:39,534
Great.
1033
00:48:39,536 --> 00:48:41,435
Have a seat.
1034
00:48:44,973 --> 00:48:47,039
The things have got red eyes.
1035
00:48:54,581 --> 00:48:56,581
You come with me.
1036
00:48:56,583 --> 00:48:57,248
You sit tight.
1037
00:48:57,250 --> 00:48:57,881
Oh.
1038
00:48:57,883 --> 00:48:59,482
No, no, no, no.
1039
00:48:59,484 --> 00:49:00,983
See, the thing like.
1040
00:49:00,985 --> 00:49:02,884
Do you want to do this?
1041
00:49:02,886 --> 00:49:03,985
Yes.
1042
00:49:03,987 --> 00:49:04,585
Please.
1043
00:49:04,587 --> 00:49:05,986
Yes, please.
1044
00:49:05,988 --> 00:49:08,421
Then he goes first.
1045
00:49:09,023 --> 00:49:09,821
Well.
1046
00:49:09,823 --> 00:49:11,155
Whoa, ah.
1047
00:49:11,157 --> 00:49:12,022
Wait, Ashley.
1048
00:49:12,024 --> 00:49:14,024
Uh, baby.
1049
00:49:14,026 --> 00:49:17,527
Look, I cannot wait to get
with you
1050
00:49:17,529 --> 00:49:20,530
and I'm so flattered that
you feel the same way
1051
00:49:20,532 --> 00:49:24,533
but he really should go first.
1052
00:49:24,535 --> 00:49:27,602
Yeah.
1053
00:49:27,604 --> 00:49:29,670
I really need to go first.
1054
00:49:33,842 --> 00:49:35,374
Matt?
1055
00:49:35,376 --> 00:49:36,875
Come on.
1056
00:49:36,877 --> 00:49:38,776
Matt? Matt? Matt?
1057
00:49:38,778 --> 00:49:39,843
I don't know, man.
1058
00:49:55,427 --> 00:49:59,896
So, what's your deal?
1059
00:49:59,898 --> 00:50:05,901
Well, I'm thinking I'd like
to start off with a hand job
1060
00:50:05,903 --> 00:50:11,973
and then you know work
my way up to a blow job
1061
00:50:11,975 --> 00:50:15,242
and then finish off with
a vagina job?
1062
00:50:15,244 --> 00:50:16,610
Okay.
1063
00:50:16,612 --> 00:50:17,544
Yeah?
1064
00:50:17,546 --> 00:50:19,445
Uh, cool.
1065
00:50:19,447 --> 00:50:22,915
And the same exact same
goes for my friend out there.
1066
00:50:22,917 --> 00:50:25,417
I really can't stress enough
how important it is
1067
00:50:25,419 --> 00:50:28,987
that he gets a proper
vagina job.
1068
00:50:28,989 --> 00:50:31,055
Well, how much money
do you got?
1069
00:50:32,992 --> 00:50:35,058
Yes, currency.
1070
00:51:03,687 --> 00:51:07,455
[squeaky bed sounds]
1071
00:51:07,457 --> 00:51:12,626
So, how did you get
into prostituting?
1072
00:51:12,628 --> 00:51:17,664
So, I mean you must have
some wild stories.
1073
00:51:17,666 --> 00:51:19,198
Not really.
1074
00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:21,166
No?
1075
00:51:21,168 --> 00:51:25,603
You, I mean meet any crazy
characters at least or?
1076
00:51:25,605 --> 00:51:27,371
I guess.
1077
00:51:27,373 --> 00:51:30,640
What's the weirdest thing
1078
00:51:30,642 --> 00:51:33,943
that anyone's ever
asked you to do?
1079
00:51:33,945 --> 00:51:36,445
This one guy pays me to poop
on his dog.
1080
00:51:37,881 --> 00:51:39,080
Oh.
1081
00:51:42,351 --> 00:51:43,950
What kind of dog?
1082
00:51:43,952 --> 00:51:46,018
I don't know, a brown one.
1083
00:51:50,857 --> 00:51:52,056
Can I see your boobs
at least?
1084
00:51:52,058 --> 00:51:54,958
Shhhh!!!!!!!
1085
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:58,527
[squeaky bed sounds]
1086
00:51:58,529 --> 00:52:01,963
[cell phone beeps]
1087
00:52:01,965 --> 00:52:06,033
What if I told you this
is my first time?
1088
00:52:06,035 --> 00:52:07,901
Please don't cry.
1089
00:52:07,903 --> 00:52:11,004
I'm done, I'm done,
I'm done.
1090
00:52:11,006 --> 00:52:12,038
Good.
1091
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:17,109
[heavy breathing]
1092
00:52:26,419 --> 00:52:28,552
Wooo-hooooo!!!!!!!!!
1093
00:52:28,554 --> 00:52:29,386
And?
1094
00:52:29,388 --> 00:52:30,520
So, what happened?
1095
00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:31,254
Talk to me buddy.
1096
00:52:31,256 --> 00:52:34,323
Oh man, was it awesome.
1097
00:52:34,325 --> 00:52:40,561
Uh, I just, I mean not only
was the sex amazing
1098
00:52:40,563 --> 00:52:46,699
but...but you know I think that
the best part was
1099
00:52:46,701 --> 00:52:49,835
that Ashley and I really
connected you know.
1100
00:52:49,837 --> 00:52:50,435
Really?
1101
00:52:50,437 --> 00:52:52,036
Yeah.
1102
00:52:52,038 --> 00:52:53,237
Wow.
1103
00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:53,870
Wow.
1104
00:52:53,872 --> 00:52:57,073
Okay.
1105
00:52:57,075 --> 00:52:58,741
So, where is she?
1106
00:52:58,743 --> 00:52:59,608
Ashley?
1107
00:52:59,610 --> 00:53:01,409
Oh, uh, poor thing is exhausted.
1108
00:53:01,411 --> 00:53:04,212
You know I really gave it to
her in there but don't worry
1109
00:53:04,214 --> 00:53:06,681
you know I'm sure she's got
another one in her
1110
00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:11,318
just don't be mad at me if
she still has Matt on the mind.
1111
00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:13,119
I'm going to have sex.
1112
00:53:13,121 --> 00:53:15,187
You're going to have sex.
1113
00:53:15,189 --> 00:53:16,488
And I'm not going to die.
1114
00:53:16,490 --> 00:53:20,491
You're not going to die,
go in there do it.
1115
00:53:20,493 --> 00:53:21,358
You're ready.
1116
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:22,992
I'm ready, man.
1117
00:53:22,994 --> 00:53:25,027
Have a great time.
1118
00:53:27,197 --> 00:53:29,397
I am a fucking pussy.
1119
00:53:37,305 --> 00:53:39,138
Ashley...
1120
00:53:56,256 --> 00:53:59,323
Hey, it's my turn.
1121
00:54:02,994 --> 00:54:04,493
You just sit there, okay.
1122
00:54:04,495 --> 00:54:07,628
Hey, where are you going?
1123
00:54:09,898 --> 00:54:11,764
I'll be right back.
1124
00:54:28,349 --> 00:54:30,349
Matt!
1125
00:54:30,351 --> 00:54:32,217
Matt!
1126
00:54:32,219 --> 00:54:33,785
Matt!
1127
00:54:33,787 --> 00:54:35,887
Hey Neal, we just need to talk
to you for a minute.
1128
00:54:35,889 --> 00:54:37,221
Everything is okay,
everything is okay
1129
00:54:37,223 --> 00:54:39,890
we just need to talk to you
for just a second.
1130
00:54:39,892 --> 00:54:40,557
This is a raid!
1131
00:54:40,559 --> 00:54:41,591
Everybody out!
1132
00:54:41,593 --> 00:54:42,425
Neal, Neal, Neal.
1133
00:54:42,427 --> 00:54:43,926
Open up, it's the police!
1134
00:54:43,928 --> 00:54:54,002
[screams and chaos]
1135
00:55:06,816 --> 00:55:08,882
Colette, you seen them?
1136
00:55:30,271 --> 00:55:31,837
Go, go, go!
1137
00:55:31,839 --> 00:55:33,471
Hey, get back here!
1138
00:55:33,473 --> 00:55:34,939
Rod, it's not Neal!
1139
00:55:34,941 --> 00:55:36,307
Greg!
1140
00:55:36,309 --> 00:55:37,741
Neal!
1141
00:55:37,743 --> 00:55:39,242
Get the fuck back here!
1142
00:55:39,244 --> 00:55:41,444
Greg!
1143
00:55:41,446 --> 00:55:42,645
Greg get back here!
1144
00:55:42,647 --> 00:55:44,513
Get the fuck back here!
1145
00:55:44,515 --> 00:55:46,181
Oh, you goddamn idiot.
1146
00:55:49,319 --> 00:55:51,252
Rod, he stole the car!
1147
00:55:51,254 --> 00:55:52,519
What?
1148
00:55:55,290 --> 00:55:56,756
Greg, come on!
1149
00:55:58,259 --> 00:55:59,691
Shit!
1150
00:55:59,693 --> 00:56:01,159
Well, I have to hand it
to you.
1151
00:56:01,161 --> 00:56:03,528
It's pretty brave of you
to come back for me.
1152
00:56:03,530 --> 00:56:04,929
What happened to you?
1153
00:56:04,931 --> 00:56:06,130
Just tried to keep them busy.
1154
00:56:06,132 --> 00:56:07,965
Tried to buy you some time,
1155
00:56:07,967 --> 00:56:10,367
I did get pretty friendly
with Brad.
1156
00:56:10,369 --> 00:56:11,301
Denise, he's the enemy.
1157
00:56:11,303 --> 00:56:12,302
For fucks sake, Neal.
1158
00:56:12,304 --> 00:56:14,570
I'm joking.
1159
00:56:17,474 --> 00:56:19,173
You're never going to get it
are you?
1160
00:56:19,175 --> 00:56:20,507
Get what?
1161
00:56:20,509 --> 00:56:22,809
That I like you, you moron.
1162
00:56:22,811 --> 00:56:25,011
I like you too but you don't
have to be a bitch about it.
1163
00:56:25,013 --> 00:56:26,679
No, Neal.
1164
00:56:26,681 --> 00:56:29,548
Fuck, I like like you.
1165
00:56:29,550 --> 00:56:31,349
Like like.
1166
00:56:31,351 --> 00:56:34,452
What? Why?
1167
00:56:34,454 --> 00:56:36,353
I don't know, because you're
like the coolest person
1168
00:56:36,355 --> 00:56:37,987
I've ever met?
1169
00:56:37,989 --> 00:56:40,289
I'm not cool Denise, I don't
even know how to be cool.
1170
00:56:40,291 --> 00:56:41,890
Exactly, Neal.
1171
00:56:41,892 --> 00:56:43,658
Oh wow.
1172
00:56:43,660 --> 00:56:46,127
Awesome, does that mean
we get to have sex now?
1173
00:56:46,129 --> 00:56:47,061
No.
1174
00:56:47,063 --> 00:56:48,362
Make love.
1175
00:56:48,364 --> 00:56:49,629
Okay, you really have to do
better than that.
1176
00:56:49,631 --> 00:56:51,497
You smell nice.
1177
00:56:51,499 --> 00:56:52,831
No, Neal.
1178
00:56:52,833 --> 00:56:54,299
Jesus, what do you want me
to say?
1179
00:56:54,301 --> 00:56:56,567
That I like you but I've
always liked you but I thought.
1180
00:56:56,569 --> 00:56:58,569
I knew it, you're a fucking
chicken.
1181
00:56:58,571 --> 00:56:59,636
Fuck.
1182
00:56:59,638 --> 00:57:00,503
Okay.
1183
00:57:00,505 --> 00:57:01,904
Lets just go back in time,
1184
00:57:01,906 --> 00:57:04,239
pretend I had the guts to ask
you out on a real date.
1185
00:57:04,241 --> 00:57:05,573
A date.
1186
00:57:05,575 --> 00:57:07,641
Okay, where are we going?
1187
00:57:07,643 --> 00:57:09,376
It's a surprise
but you say yes,
1188
00:57:09,378 --> 00:57:13,380
I pick you up at your house
with one perfect red rose
1189
00:57:13,382 --> 00:57:15,715
and I'm really nervous
because this is the night
1190
00:57:15,717 --> 00:57:17,883
I'm going to tell you everything
1191
00:57:17,885 --> 00:57:21,019
and you're really nervous too
because you know what's coming.
1192
00:57:21,021 --> 00:57:22,987
Alright, tell me more.
1193
00:57:22,989 --> 00:57:27,490
We start with something fun
like go-carting
1194
00:57:27,492 --> 00:57:31,360
and after we walk down to
that fancy vegan restaurant.
1195
00:57:31,362 --> 00:57:33,362
Nice touch.
1196
00:57:33,364 --> 00:57:35,497
After dinner we walk by
the beach
1197
00:57:35,499 --> 00:57:37,332
and I gather every
bit of courage I have
1198
00:57:37,334 --> 00:57:40,601
and tell you what I've always
needed to.
1199
00:57:42,338 --> 00:57:44,671
What do you say?
1200
00:57:44,673 --> 00:57:48,007
That I've liked you since I
was old enough to like girls
1201
00:57:48,009 --> 00:57:52,510
but I was terrified that if
I made a move on you
1202
00:57:52,512 --> 00:57:54,678
I would ruin it and screw it up
1203
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:57,280
and you would never
talk to me again.
1204
00:58:06,424 --> 00:58:07,356
Oh boy.
1205
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:09,958
Hold on.
1206
00:58:39,622 --> 00:58:40,821
Oh.
1207
00:58:42,424 --> 00:58:43,556
Are you fucking kidding me,
Neal?
1208
00:58:43,558 --> 00:58:44,823
Ohhhh!!!!!!
1209
00:58:44,825 --> 00:58:46,758
Neal, are you fucking kidding
me?
1210
00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:47,825
Oh, fuck me.
1211
00:58:47,827 --> 00:58:48,659
Sorry.
1212
00:58:48,661 --> 00:58:50,727
Oh my god.
1213
00:58:50,729 --> 00:58:52,495
Neal.
1214
00:58:52,497 --> 00:58:53,496
Come on.
1215
00:58:53,498 --> 00:58:56,832
I'm sorry, I'm just
really sorry.
1216
00:58:56,834 --> 00:58:58,600
It's a mess.
1217
00:58:58,602 --> 00:59:00,668
Denise, I really...
1218
00:59:04,439 --> 00:59:05,504
What the?
1219
00:59:07,474 --> 00:59:08,406
Dude.
1220
00:59:08,408 --> 00:59:10,908
Was there penetration?
1221
00:59:10,910 --> 00:59:12,475
A bunch.
1222
00:59:14,979 --> 00:59:17,479
Really, so tell me what
it felt like.
1223
00:59:17,481 --> 00:59:19,080
Like a fucking.
1224
00:59:19,082 --> 00:59:24,618
Put a sock on a foot man
and it fits just right.
1225
00:59:24,620 --> 00:59:25,752
He's still a virgin.
1226
00:59:25,754 --> 00:59:27,787
Lets go, lets go.
1227
00:59:27,789 --> 00:59:28,420
Lets go.
1228
00:59:28,422 --> 00:59:29,521
I'm so sorry.
1229
00:59:29,523 --> 00:59:30,588
It's okay.
1230
00:59:30,590 --> 00:59:31,956
Call me tomorrow.
1231
00:59:31,958 --> 00:59:32,823
I will.
1232
00:59:32,825 --> 00:59:34,624
Did you, did you get it in?
1233
00:59:34,626 --> 00:59:36,225
Did you get it in her?
1234
00:59:45,702 --> 00:59:48,502
So? What happened?
1235
00:59:48,504 --> 00:59:49,603
Are you going to say
anything?
1236
00:59:49,605 --> 00:59:51,137
Are you going to tell me
what happened?
1237
00:59:51,139 --> 00:59:51,804
Alright, what happened.
1238
00:59:51,806 --> 00:59:52,604
Okay.
1239
00:59:52,606 --> 00:59:54,839
I told Denise I liked her,
1240
00:59:54,841 --> 00:59:57,508
she said she liked me back
which was great
1241
00:59:57,510 --> 01:00:00,477
and then I came all over
her fucking leg.
1242
01:00:00,479 --> 01:00:02,545
Happy?
1243
01:00:02,547 --> 01:00:05,614
That's awesome dude, shit if
you would have told her sooner
1244
01:00:05,616 --> 01:00:08,550
you could have been breaking
your oath all over the place.
1245
01:00:08,552 --> 01:00:10,351
We wouldn't even be here.
1246
01:00:10,353 --> 01:00:12,286
Oh, so this is my fault now
Matt?
1247
01:00:12,288 --> 01:00:12,886
What?
1248
01:00:12,888 --> 01:00:13,519
No.
1249
01:00:13,521 --> 01:00:14,386
No, no, no, no.
1250
01:00:14,388 --> 01:00:15,620
I'm just saying.
1251
01:00:15,622 --> 01:00:16,721
Oh, you're just saying.
1252
01:00:16,723 --> 01:00:19,390
Good, okay good you're
just saying.
1253
01:00:19,392 --> 01:00:22,459
Ah, okay well what I'm saying
1254
01:00:22,461 --> 01:00:25,528
is that you've made this whole
night about you.
1255
01:00:25,530 --> 01:00:27,663
I was the one who was supposed
to get laid tonight,
1256
01:00:27,665 --> 01:00:31,500
you got in line and
you were the one who had sex.
1257
01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:34,135
Yeah, I had sex with a dirty
hoe okay,
1258
01:00:34,137 --> 01:00:36,237
what you have with Denise
that's special,
1259
01:00:36,239 --> 01:00:37,905
that's that's nice.
1260
01:00:37,907 --> 01:00:39,406
Fuck you, man.
1261
01:00:39,408 --> 01:00:40,840
Fuck me?
1262
01:00:40,842 --> 01:00:43,375
It's too late, there's no
more me and Denise, dude.
1263
01:00:43,377 --> 01:00:44,642
I'm not going to school again,
dude,
1264
01:00:44,644 --> 01:00:46,377
I'm dead like fucking dead.
1265
01:00:46,379 --> 01:00:47,544
Dead, dead, dead.
1266
01:00:47,546 --> 01:00:49,546
You're not dead yet okay,
1267
01:00:49,548 --> 01:00:51,915
you still-- we can still
get out of here
1268
01:00:51,917 --> 01:00:53,349
and don't blame me for this.
1269
01:00:53,351 --> 01:00:55,584
How am I going to get out,
my hands are fucking tied.
1270
01:00:55,586 --> 01:00:56,518
My hands are tied!
1271
01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:59,587
My hands are tied too.
1272
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,723
Did you just kick me?
1273
01:01:07,462 --> 01:01:08,461
Did you just fucking
kick me?
1274
01:01:08,463 --> 01:01:09,962
Yeah I fucking kicked you.
1275
01:01:09,964 --> 01:01:10,929
What are you doing, man?
1276
01:01:10,931 --> 01:01:11,963
You fucking kicked me first.
1277
01:01:11,965 --> 01:01:13,764
When you kicked me
it fucking hurt.
1278
01:01:13,766 --> 01:01:14,865
Hey, shut the fuck up back there.
1279
01:01:14,867 --> 01:01:17,000
No, you shut the fuck up
man.
1280
01:01:17,002 --> 01:01:19,302
Fuck you, man.
1281
01:01:19,304 --> 01:01:20,303
Fuck.
1282
01:01:20,305 --> 01:01:23,306
[struggling grunts]
1283
01:01:23,308 --> 01:01:24,573
Want to fucking go?
1284
01:01:31,281 --> 01:01:32,680
Don't even.
1285
01:01:32,682 --> 01:01:35,816
Ah, there you are.
1286
01:01:35,818 --> 01:01:40,153
You are more trouble
than you're worth.
1287
01:01:40,155 --> 01:01:43,222
And you have kept us waiting.
1288
01:01:43,224 --> 01:01:45,023
Well, I've got to hand it
to you Neal,
1289
01:01:45,025 --> 01:01:49,493
you continually find new ways
to humiliate your family.
1290
01:01:49,495 --> 01:01:52,295
I'm the embarrassment,
really Dad, me?
1291
01:01:52,297 --> 01:01:53,062
I'm the embarrassment?
1292
01:01:53,064 --> 01:01:55,531
Yeah, that's right buster.
1293
01:01:55,533 --> 01:01:58,734
This stupid religion has
fucked with your heads so bad
1294
01:01:58,736 --> 01:02:00,335
you're actually willing
to sacrifice
1295
01:02:00,337 --> 01:02:01,636
your own flesh and blood
1296
01:02:01,638 --> 01:02:04,005
for some red guy
with a tail.
1297
01:02:04,007 --> 01:02:06,007
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
that's where you go easy.
1298
01:02:06,009 --> 01:02:08,476
You worship a fucking
Halloween costume.
1299
01:02:08,478 --> 01:02:09,410
Yeah.
1300
01:02:09,412 --> 01:02:10,911
Shut up.
1301
01:02:10,913 --> 01:02:13,914
You dragged Mom down
with you, look at her,
1302
01:02:13,916 --> 01:02:16,249
does she look okay to you?
1303
01:02:16,251 --> 01:02:19,685
I'm not the embarrassment.
1304
01:02:19,687 --> 01:02:22,320
How very sweet.
1305
01:02:22,322 --> 01:02:26,757
I wish we had more time for
such touching family reunions
1306
01:02:26,759 --> 01:02:29,526
but alas we do not.
1307
01:02:29,528 --> 01:02:31,694
Get them ready.
1308
01:02:31,696 --> 01:02:34,596
Everything is going to be
okay now.
1309
01:02:43,039 --> 01:02:44,671
[goat sounds]
1310
01:02:54,749 --> 01:02:58,750
Real nice, real fucking nice.
1311
01:02:58,752 --> 01:03:00,551
Your own son?
1312
01:03:00,553 --> 01:03:02,352
You're gutless.
1313
01:03:14,899 --> 01:03:18,700
Neal.
1314
01:03:18,702 --> 01:03:20,702
Come on, Neal.
1315
01:03:20,704 --> 01:03:22,770
Don't talk to me.
1316
01:03:34,883 --> 01:03:38,551
I cried.
1317
01:03:38,553 --> 01:03:40,986
What?
1318
01:03:40,988 --> 01:03:43,321
I cried.
1319
01:03:43,323 --> 01:03:44,655
What are you saying?
1320
01:03:44,657 --> 01:03:45,622
What do you mean you cried?
1321
01:03:45,624 --> 01:03:47,090
What are you talking about?
1322
01:03:47,092 --> 01:03:50,559
I lost my virginity to a
prostitute tonight and I cried.
1323
01:03:50,561 --> 01:03:54,295
[goat sounds]
1324
01:03:54,297 --> 01:03:58,732
Yeah, alright.
1325
01:03:58,734 --> 01:04:02,268
I don't know what happened
man, I just lost it.
1326
01:04:02,270 --> 01:04:04,837
I mean, I had it
but then I don't know
1327
01:04:04,839 --> 01:04:09,941
something just snapped
and I just.
1328
01:04:09,943 --> 01:04:11,943
Well, at least you didn't come
on her leg.
1329
01:04:11,945 --> 01:04:13,444
Right on the leg?
1330
01:04:13,446 --> 01:04:14,978
The leg, the seat.
1331
01:04:14,980 --> 01:04:17,046
It's fucking embarrassing.
1332
01:04:19,283 --> 01:04:21,249
Come here man, come here.
1333
01:04:21,251 --> 01:04:23,184
I'm sorry dude,
I'm sorry man.
1334
01:04:23,186 --> 01:04:24,785
Come here, come here man.
1335
01:04:24,787 --> 01:04:26,787
I'm sorry man, this whole night
has been so fucked up dude.
1336
01:04:26,789 --> 01:04:29,856
No, no, no.
1337
01:04:29,858 --> 01:04:31,824
This is nice.
1338
01:04:31,826 --> 01:04:33,892
I needed this.
1339
01:04:36,763 --> 01:04:39,463
Well, this is it buddy.
1340
01:04:39,465 --> 01:04:44,167
Wait, there still might be
a way out of this.
1341
01:04:44,169 --> 01:04:45,201
No, there isn't.
1342
01:04:45,203 --> 01:04:46,669
No, no, no, stop.
1343
01:04:46,671 --> 01:04:48,971
Just stop being so at peace
with everything okay
1344
01:04:48,973 --> 01:04:50,772
just listen to me here,
hear me out okay
1345
01:04:50,774 --> 01:04:54,142
I'm not going to give up on you.
1346
01:04:54,144 --> 01:04:57,011
When does a guys virginity
really end, right?
1347
01:04:57,013 --> 01:05:01,682
It's when he penetrates
something with his erect penis.
1348
01:05:01,684 --> 01:05:03,817
Right.
1349
01:05:03,819 --> 01:05:06,052
Who says it has to be
a vagina.
1350
01:05:06,054 --> 01:05:07,319
[goat sounds]
1351
01:05:07,321 --> 01:05:08,887
Oh god no.
1352
01:05:08,889 --> 01:05:14,058
No, no, no, I'm telling you dude
if it's going to save your life
1353
01:05:14,060 --> 01:05:15,159
you've got to do me.
1354
01:05:15,161 --> 01:05:16,660
I can't, I can't.
1355
01:05:16,662 --> 01:05:18,028
You have to.
1356
01:05:18,030 --> 01:05:19,662
Are you saying that you couldn't
fuck your best friend
1357
01:05:19,664 --> 01:05:20,796
to save your own life?
1358
01:05:20,798 --> 01:05:21,997
Is that what you're saying?
1359
01:05:21,999 --> 01:05:23,631
I'm just not sure the equipment
would work.
1360
01:05:23,633 --> 01:05:26,800
Be totally mean right now okay,
just, I'm at least an 8.
1361
01:05:26,802 --> 01:05:27,901
Even if you were a 10.
1362
01:05:27,903 --> 01:05:31,237
I'm just saying how hard
could it be?
1363
01:05:37,077 --> 01:05:37,809
Give me a sec.
1364
01:05:37,811 --> 01:05:41,411
Okay, yeah, just think.
1365
01:05:41,413 --> 01:05:42,044
Okay, I'll try.
1366
01:05:42,046 --> 01:05:43,245
What?
1367
01:05:43,247 --> 01:05:44,512
I mean, really?
1368
01:05:44,514 --> 01:05:45,145
Yeah.
1369
01:05:45,147 --> 01:05:46,012
Okay, yeah.
1370
01:05:46,014 --> 01:05:46,912
I mean, I want to live right.
1371
01:05:46,914 --> 01:05:49,147
Yeah, I want you
to live man.
1372
01:05:51,518 --> 01:05:53,251
Whoa, whoa, what are
you doing?
1373
01:05:53,253 --> 01:05:54,085
What was that?
1374
01:05:54,087 --> 01:05:55,352
Sorry, I thought maybe.
1375
01:05:55,354 --> 01:05:56,686
No extras man,
no time.
1376
01:05:56,688 --> 01:05:57,653
No time for extras.
1377
01:05:57,655 --> 01:05:59,054
Lets just, we've just got
to go.
1378
01:05:59,056 --> 01:06:00,088
How do we start?
1379
01:06:00,090 --> 01:06:03,991
Uh, uh, come here.
1380
01:06:03,993 --> 01:06:11,097
Just, just alright, you know.
1381
01:06:11,099 --> 01:06:13,566
Oh fuck, oh my god.
1382
01:06:13,568 --> 01:06:16,535
You're my best friend, man,
you're my best friend.
1383
01:06:16,537 --> 01:06:18,837
Best friend.
1384
01:06:23,910 --> 01:06:25,910
So, what are we going
to do with her?
1385
01:06:25,912 --> 01:06:27,378
You stay here and watch her.
1386
01:06:27,380 --> 01:06:29,546
But no, I want to watch
the sacrifice you said that.
1387
01:06:29,548 --> 01:06:31,681
That's enough Bradley.
1388
01:06:34,185 --> 01:06:35,918
Oh my god.
1389
01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:38,020
She talks to you
like you're a child.
1390
01:06:38,022 --> 01:06:40,922
I am not allowed to talk
to you anymore.
1391
01:06:40,924 --> 01:06:43,024
Come on Brad.
1392
01:06:43,026 --> 01:06:47,627
You're this smart, sexy guy
1393
01:06:47,629 --> 01:06:51,863
and with your arms
and abs, this chest
1394
01:06:51,865 --> 01:06:57,034
I mean girls must be hitting
on you all the time.
1395
01:06:57,036 --> 01:06:59,469
It is hard to find single women
in this church.
1396
01:06:59,471 --> 01:07:03,238
Well, as a single woman how
would I go about becoming
1397
01:07:03,240 --> 01:07:05,273
part of the church?
1398
01:07:05,275 --> 01:07:06,874
You've got to renounce God,
get a tattoo,
1399
01:07:06,876 --> 01:07:08,976
take a whiz on a bible.
1400
01:07:08,978 --> 01:07:12,145
It's a whole thing.
1401
01:07:12,147 --> 01:07:13,880
You know, if you really want
to go out there
1402
01:07:13,882 --> 01:07:16,048
you should just go.
1403
01:07:16,050 --> 01:07:17,949
Yeah, I know I just can't
because I have to stay here
1404
01:07:17,951 --> 01:07:22,453
and babysit you.
1405
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:24,321
I think I'll be fine.
1406
01:07:35,267 --> 01:07:36,499
What's going on back there?
1407
01:07:36,501 --> 01:07:37,800
I'm not hard.
1408
01:07:37,802 --> 01:07:40,569
Well, I'm sorry I'm not going
to blow you dude.
1409
01:07:40,571 --> 01:07:41,903
I didn't ask you to blow me,
Matt.
1410
01:07:41,905 --> 01:07:44,472
I know, it's just just get
it in you know.
1411
01:07:44,474 --> 01:07:46,006
Oh god.
1412
01:07:46,008 --> 01:07:48,074
Oh shit, we were just,
hi, hi Dad.
1413
01:07:48,076 --> 01:07:50,743
Alright, break it up.
1414
01:07:50,745 --> 01:07:54,346
It's time.
1415
01:07:54,348 --> 01:07:56,648
Hey, there's no judgement.
1416
01:07:56,650 --> 01:07:57,949
I fucked a lady prostitute.
1417
01:07:57,951 --> 01:08:00,851
A lady prostitute
and she was hot.
1418
01:08:00,853 --> 01:08:02,319
Few hours ago, real hot.
1419
01:08:02,321 --> 01:08:04,254
Like, you want to get to him
you got to go through me.
1420
01:08:05,490 --> 01:08:06,555
Oh, alright.
1421
01:08:10,427 --> 01:08:11,292
Whoa, Neal.
1422
01:08:11,294 --> 01:08:12,126
It's all good, man.
1423
01:08:12,128 --> 01:08:14,194
Neal. Neal.
1424
01:08:17,966 --> 01:08:21,434
I'm right here man,
I'm right beside you.
1425
01:08:21,436 --> 01:08:24,103
In Nomina Satanas,
1426
01:08:24,105 --> 01:08:26,972
[chanting] In Nomina Satanas...
1427
01:08:26,974 --> 01:08:29,674
[chanting] In Nomina Satanas...
1428
01:08:29,676 --> 01:08:32,143
Satanas Rex.
1429
01:08:32,145 --> 01:08:34,712
(All): Satanas Rex.
1430
01:08:34,714 --> 01:08:39,215
I invoke his power
by these names.
1431
01:08:39,217 --> 01:08:47,289
Belial, Baphomet,
Beelzebub, Lucifer,
1432
01:08:47,291 --> 01:08:49,124
Awful Monster.
1433
01:08:49,126 --> 01:08:51,326
Skip the names.
1434
01:08:51,328 --> 01:08:52,493
What are you talking about?
1435
01:08:52,495 --> 01:08:53,895
We can't skip the names.
1436
01:08:53,897 --> 01:08:55,162
It's almost sunrise.
1437
01:08:55,164 --> 01:08:56,463
I know what time it is,
1438
01:08:56,465 --> 01:08:58,131
I've got a bloody watch
you know.
1439
01:08:58,133 --> 01:09:00,299
Then you know it's time
to get on with it.
1440
01:09:00,301 --> 01:09:02,234
If you can do better
why don't you do it then,
1441
01:09:02,236 --> 01:09:03,101
go on take the knife.
1442
01:09:03,103 --> 01:09:03,968
No, no, no.
1443
01:09:03,970 --> 01:09:05,569
Take the book, take my robe,
1444
01:09:05,571 --> 01:09:08,138
I'm so sorry for
this interruption.
1445
01:09:08,140 --> 01:09:11,141
No one cares about the names
for fuck sake.
1446
01:09:11,143 --> 01:09:14,277
Alright, alright.
1447
01:09:14,279 --> 01:09:17,647
In Nomina Satanas...
1448
01:09:17,649 --> 01:09:23,151
Lord, we offer this virgin
flesh unto you
1449
01:09:23,153 --> 01:09:27,488
that you may draw strength
from the blood of innocence.
1450
01:09:30,526 --> 01:09:33,860
For the glory of your kingdom.
1451
01:09:40,134 --> 01:09:41,700
I'm sorry, Neal.
1452
01:09:41,702 --> 01:09:43,501
[Continued Chanting]
1453
01:09:43,503 --> 01:09:46,303
In Nomina Sat--
1454
01:09:46,305 --> 01:09:48,104
[sniffs]
1455
01:09:51,142 --> 01:09:54,543
Hells own inferno has come!
1456
01:09:54,545 --> 01:09:57,879
I see his face
in the flames!
1457
01:10:00,450 --> 01:10:02,183
In Nomina Satanas.
1458
01:10:02,185 --> 01:10:03,317
Gary!
1459
01:10:03,319 --> 01:10:05,652
Ow, ow, Satan burned
my hand!
1460
01:10:05,654 --> 01:10:07,854
No, the curtains are
on fire.
1461
01:10:07,856 --> 01:10:10,223
Ow my hand,
it's fucking hot!
1462
01:10:10,225 --> 01:10:12,625
[screams]
1463
01:10:12,627 --> 01:10:14,859
Children!
1464
01:10:16,629 --> 01:10:18,862
Back, back!
1465
01:10:28,406 --> 01:10:30,072
Back!
1466
01:10:40,750 --> 01:10:43,817
No!
1467
01:10:54,762 --> 01:10:57,395
No!
1468
01:11:02,435 --> 01:11:04,568
Yeah!
1469
01:11:04,570 --> 01:11:08,238
Aw, I love you man!
1470
01:11:36,367 --> 01:11:39,301
Alright, is this your card?
1471
01:11:39,303 --> 01:11:41,202
No.
1472
01:11:41,204 --> 01:11:42,803
Do I check my bra now?
1473
01:11:42,805 --> 01:11:46,606
Well, I could check for you.
1474
01:11:46,608 --> 01:11:48,274
What?
1475
01:11:48,276 --> 01:11:49,975
Oh my god, that's amazing.
1476
01:11:49,977 --> 01:11:53,244
It will make you an all powerful
video game god.
1477
01:11:53,246 --> 01:11:55,279
I've been looking for this
online for like months.
1478
01:11:55,281 --> 01:11:56,546
How did you find it?
1479
01:11:56,548 --> 01:11:58,247
One of my birthday party
clients hooked it up,
1480
01:11:58,249 --> 01:12:00,249
I did an extra hour
for his 5 year old.
1481
01:12:00,251 --> 01:12:01,250
Aw, awesome.
1482
01:12:01,252 --> 01:12:04,219
Yeah, magic.
1483
01:12:10,493 --> 01:12:13,393
You missed a wonderful service.
1484
01:12:13,395 --> 01:12:14,460
We're good, mom.
1485
01:12:14,462 --> 01:12:19,264
Honey, just remember
Jesus loves you.
1486
01:12:19,266 --> 01:12:21,332
He died for your sins.
1487
01:12:25,471 --> 01:12:26,937
Give me the keys.
1488
01:12:26,939 --> 01:12:28,838
I'm going to drive.
1489
01:12:34,078 --> 01:12:35,310
Matt?
1490
01:12:35,312 --> 01:12:38,746
Guys, oh Shelly
looking beautiful as always.
1491
01:12:38,748 --> 01:12:41,949
Oh, you're so sweet Matt.
1492
01:12:41,951 --> 01:12:43,483
Maybe going to grab
some vegan,
1493
01:12:43,485 --> 01:12:45,418
hit the go-cart track.
1494
01:12:45,420 --> 01:12:46,419
Cool, cool.
1495
01:12:46,421 --> 01:12:47,686
I mean, I'd tell you
to come along.
1496
01:12:47,688 --> 01:12:48,687
No, no, no, no.
1497
01:12:48,689 --> 01:12:53,024
I'm fine, I've got my Bible
study,
1498
01:12:53,026 --> 01:12:55,326
catch you guys later.
1499
01:12:55,328 --> 01:12:56,260
Alright.
1500
01:12:56,262 --> 01:12:57,995
Alright.
1501
01:13:02,967 --> 01:13:04,433
Is that all you ate?
1502
01:13:04,435 --> 01:13:08,470
You had one crepe,
you're ridiculous.
1503
01:13:08,472 --> 01:13:10,605
Ridiculous.
1504
01:13:15,644 --> 01:13:17,610
Could you put on that
Christian rock station?
1505
01:13:17,612 --> 01:13:18,544
Sure.
1506
01:13:18,546 --> 01:13:28,754
¶
93687
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