Original subtitles

Hey.

This is the place I was telling you about.

Twelve pounds of sugar.

Three cans of malt.

Twelve kegs of yeast.

What did you say?

Twelve kegs of yeast.

When are you gonna get that tooth fixed?

Every time you speak you make a funny noise.

It sounds like a pipe organ.

One dozen packages of hops.

And three crux.

Now, let's see.

Now for $8.06 we can make 15 gallons.

But we can't drink 15 gallons.

What we can't drink, we can sell.

Come on.

- Hello, Warren. - Hello, John.

How's everything?

Pretty busy.

Got a couple of fish for you.

Oh. Well, so long.

- So long. - See you later.

Bye, guard.

Well, it's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

What do you mean, I got you into?

Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?

I didn't know he was a policeman.

I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Hey, come over here.

What's your name?

Stanley Laurel.

Say, sir, when you're addressing me.

Now what's your name?

Sir, Stanley Laurel. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

He can't help that, sir. It's a loose tooth, sir.

Yeah?

Oh, we'll be seeing to that.

What's your name?

Oliver Norvell Hardy.

Sir.

A couple of beer barons, eh?

All right, Shields. Frisk 'em.

Okay.

GUARD: All right. Get in the wards.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Smile.

Next.

Psst.

Smile.

Fine.

Come on.

If they turn out good, can I have one?

Come on, get out of here.

Come on.

Hey, you.

Fall in.

Clowning, eh?

Let's go.

The new men are here, sir.

My, my.

And still they come.

Let us begin with a perfect understanding.

I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here.

Keep one thing in mind.

It all depends on you yourselves

just how you're going to fare during your stay here.

Never forget that this is a prison.

And in a prison all rules must be obeyed.

Discipline is the one thing that must be observed.

If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay.

If you are not,

if you break the rules,

then it will be just plain hell on Earth.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

- Please, sir, it was his... - Shut up, you...

Put 'em in cell 14.

But, not in with The Tiger, sir!

- Put them in cell 14! - Yes, sir.

Get them out of here before I lose my temper.

Talking to the warden like that!

A fine piece of business.

Convicts talking to the warden.

Why, I'll take those men, I'll break 'em.

I'll put 'em in cell 14! I don't care who's in there!

What I'll do with them.

Upstairs.

This way.

PRISONER: Hello there, buddy.

Shut up!

Okay.

What?

Amos 'n Andy.

Hello, squirt.

Hello. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

All right, inside.

Come on, inside!

I said, "Hello, squirt."

Hello.

- I'm sorry, sir, but that was his... - Sit down!

What are you doing there?

Keep off of my head!

Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.

Put 'er there!

You're the first guy that ever had the nerve to raspberry The Tiger.

I like a guy that does that.

What are you in for?

We're a couple of beer barons.

Hey, shut up!

Hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.

Thank you. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Hey, I heard you the first time.

Now, don't take advantage of my good humour. If you do...

- Hey!

What's going on in there?

Hey. Oh. (CHUCKLES)

It's the fish.

Just a little nervous, I guess.

One more peep and I'll through you in the hole.

Steady in there.

Go to bed.

Okay.

- Hey, pipe down there. Pipe down.

Good morning, pupils.

ALL: Good morning, teacher.

Ah

Good morning to you Good morning to you

Good morning, dear teacher Good morning to you

Very, very good.

Now, once more.

Good morning to you Good morning to you

Good morning, dear play-mates Good morning to you

In as much as you are new pupils, I'll excused that.

But I'll have no playing in my class.

Now, the first lesson this morning will be a...

A-ha!

A-ha!

Sit down!

Ah

Good morning to you Good mo...

Uh, we will now have the roll call.

Uh, those that are here will answer, "present."

Those that are not here will say, "absent."

We shall now have an intelligence test.

- Who was Columbus? - The mayor of Ohio.

- What did he do? - He died.

Why, of course he died.

- Who killed him? - Cock Robin.

Who said that?

I did.

Correct.

What is a blizzard?

A blizzard?

A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.

Hmm, fresh, huh?

How many times does three go into nine?

Three times.

Correct.

And two left over.

(CHUCKLING)

- What are you laughing at? - There's only one left over.

D'oh!

Listen, you spell, "Needle."

N-E-I-D-L-E.

There is no "I" in needle.

Then it's a rotten needle.

Who did that?

If I find out who did it, they'll stand in the corner.

Now.

What is a comet?

You.

Comet.

A comet is a star with a tail on it.

Right.

Hmm. Name one.

Rin Tin Tin.

D'oh!

Just for that, you'll stay after school.

Now, let me hear what I taught you yesterday.

Fourteen, 14, nine, nine.

Fourteen, fourteen, seven, seven.

TEACHER: Very good, very good.

All right, inside.

Not you.

This is your suite.

Have you got the time?

LAUREL: Ollie.

HARDY: What?

LAUREL: I wonder how long we're going to be in here.

HARDY: Oh, about two months, I guess.

LAUREL: Gee, that's a month a piece.

HARDY: A month a piece.

Well, you can take it from me,

when I get out of here, I'm going back on the farm.

Boy, there's a life.

I can see it now.

Rows and rows of sweetcorn swaying in the breezes.

Honeybees buzzing in the clover.

And the smell of new mown hay in the air.

- Ollie. - What?

LAUREL: Did you say you can see all that?

HARDY: Why, certainly.

LAUREL: That's funny. I can't see a thing, it's dark in here.

HARDY: Haven't you got any imagination?

Can't you imagine us growing strawberries and raspberries?

LAUREL: Well, I don't like raspberries.

HARDY: Well, we'll grow watermelons.

Sun-kissed watermelons.

Why, we'll plant acres and acres of watermelon.

Well, we'll have more than what we can eat.

LAUREL: Yeah, and what we can't eat, we can sell.

HARDY: Well, just for that, I won't take you with me.

LAUREL: (WEEPY VOICE) Oh, don't leave me alone...

GUARD: (SHOUTING) That's it! Go to sleep, you guys!

Hey, listen. This looks like our big day.

Ah, what's the use? They've doubled the guards on the gates.

We'll never get through.

Well, it's now or never.

If we don't take a chance now, how we gonna find out?

Look, they're opening the gate.

See, now's our chance.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Mitch, I've got an idea.

I'll find out what's outside of them gates.

Hey!

Hello, pal.

- Hey, pal. - Hello, pal D.

- Hi. - Hello, buddy.

Hello, pal, come over here.

- Hello, buddy. - Well, well, well.

Where you guys been?

We been down in the hole.

- Solitary confinement. - Yeah?

- All right.

Well, what's wrong, man?

It's The Tiger. They've made a clean break.

They've got those two new fish with him.

They are the one in star hammer.

Call out every available man.

Patrol every inch of ground. North, south, east and west.

Call up every police station within a radius of 50 miles.

Get in touch with the Sheriff's office.

And better hop to it.

Well, we captured The Tiger's gang. We got them right away.

We caught 'em down the old stone quarry

and took them without a shot.

- But... - What?

Well, it's those two new fish, they got away and not a sign of them.

Why, they disappeared as if the earth had completely swallowed them.

Well, don't worry about those two babes in the woods.

Use the bloodhounds.

Those hounds never fail.

Why they'll trail them so straight, it'll be a cinch.

Those hounds are ferocious. They're killers.

I'd like to see their faces when they hear those hounds.

- Now, hop to it. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Call it a day!

They'll never recognise us in 100 years.

For once in your life you hit up on a good idea.

A practical idea.

Say, what about the tooth? The buzzer.

Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanised it.

- You what? - I vulcanised it.

I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.

You're actually using your brain.

That's what comes from associating with me.

- What do you mean associa... - Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

- Tut-tut-tut-tut.

Come on, here, you always dragging behind.

Come here.

Now, come on, let's go.

Come on, here now, let's go.

Come on. That's the way.

Go on.

I'm going to name this one Oliver.

Sing it, boy.

I'm gonna ride - Gonna ride that train

I mean, that Southbound passenger train

I'm gonna buy me a ticket Just as long as my arm

I'm gonna ride that train, babe all night long

I'm gonna ride - Gonna ride that train

I mean, that Southbound passenger train

You go choo, choo ride the train

- All aboard - Bye, Birmingham

- Got a letter from a jazz band - I love it, babe

- In Birmingham - Gotta love it

- Got a letter from jazz band - I love it, babe

In Birmingham

Well, she dressed so neat And she looked so sweet

And when she walked she'll take you off your beach

She is a finer

Red hot - From Birmingham

- That's her - That's her

That's jazz by me That big, big Southern Jack

Well, the first thing you do is take a shovel and the coal

Put your head out the window watch the drivers go

- That's her - That's her

That's jazz by me That big, big Southern Jack

Ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh

All aboard, bye, Birmingham

Lazy moon

Come out soon

Make my poor heart be warmer

Light the way Bright as day

For my sweet little charmer

Now she's to meet me in the lane tonight

If the sky is bright and clear

Oh moon, don't keep me waiting here tonight

Watchin' and a-waiting

Heart a-palpitating

Longing for my little lady love

Lazy moon, lazy moon

Why don't you show your face upon the hill?

Lazy moon

Come out soon

You can make me happy if you will

Now when my lady sees your face a-peeping

A-peeping

Then I know a promise you'll be keeping

A keeping

Tell me what's the matter are you sleepin'

Lazy moon

Lazy moon

Lazy moon

Why don't you show your face upon the hill?

Lazy moon Come out soon

You can make me happy if you will

Now when my lady sees your face a-peeping

Then I know a promise you'll be keeping

Tell me what's the matter Are you sleepin'

Lazy moon?

I don't know what's the matter.

Why, Father, I wouldn't know.

'Course this would have to happen

when I'm due back at the prison at noon.

Well, I'll see if I can locate the trouble.

Do you know anything about an automobile?

Yes, ma'am.

I wonder if you'd give us a hand.

We'd be very glad to.

Something went wrong with the car.

Have you got any tools, lady?

Yes, they're under the back seat.

Just a minute.

Ow!

What's... What's goin' on here?

Oh, Daddy. I'm so sorry.

These two men are going to help us with the car.

All right.

I'll keep my head out of the way this time.

No!

He doesn't know us.

Uh, now, let's see, uh...

The carburettor now.

No, must be the generator.

No, it can't.

Ah, the spark plug. Now, let's see.

Let's see...

(SCREAMS)

Get your hands off of it.

Get under the car and see if this works.

I'll do it.

Why don't you look up, girl?

Why, Dad.

We're out of gas.

Well, no wonder it wouldn't run.

Hey, Oliver. Uh, Sambo.

They're out of gas.

Well, there we are.

Now.

Well, thank you, boys.

Here's my card.

Anytime you're up my way, drop in.

You can work for me anytime.

- Goodbye, boys. - Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Let's walk around and see if we know anybody.

I was born in Michigan

And I wish and wish again

That I was back in the town where I was born

The town where I was born

There's a farm in Michigan

And I'd like to fish again

In the river that flows

Beside the fields of waving corn

A lonesome soul am I

And here's the reason why

I want to go back, I want to go back I want to go back to the farm

Far away from harm

With a milk pail on my arm

There's a farm in Michigan

And I'd like to fish again

In the river that flows

Beside the fields of waving corn

A lonesome soul am I And here's the reason why

I want to go back, I want to go back

I want to go back to the farm

Far away from harm

With a milk pail on my arm

I miss the rooster the one that use-ter

Wake me up at 4:00 am

4:00 am

I think your great big city's very pretty

Nevertheless, I want to be there

I want to see there a certain someone full of charm

See charming

That's why I wish again that I was in Michigan

Down on the farm

Down on the farm

MAN: Hey, fellas, how about another one?

Down on the farm. That's the life.

That was fine, boys.

It sure was.

What did you say?

That's a loose tooth, sir, that does that.

Oh, this.

That should be attended to.

Yes, sir. As soon as I get out, I'm gonna have it fixed.

Do you know that song about the Yanks are coming?

Come on. We're gonna yank that tooth.

Come on.

Come on.

All right, I'll take you now.

Come on.

There's another customer for you. Fix him up.

Okay.

Hey, Rosebud.

Sit down.

I sneaked in.

- Ollie. - What?

I'm scared.

Why, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'll stay right with you.

Come on, you're next.

- No, no, no, Doctor. - Come on. Come on.

You won't hurt me, will you, Doctor?

But you won't hurt me, will you, Doctor?

You won't hurt me! Don't think about it.

All right, Rosebud.

Not him. You.

Come on, sit down.

Do you mind if I have my friend in here with me?

Okay.

Ow!

Ah, stop your playing.

Which one is it?

This one.

- Does it hurt? - Uh-uh.

Then what are you having it pulled for?

It's only loose. It buzzes.

- It buzzes? - Yes, sir. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Okay, sit down.

Upper left molar, Doctor. He says it buzzes.

Okay.

Sit down.

(WHIMPERS)

I'm scared.

Why, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sit down.

Whoever heard of a dentist hurting you these days.

Why, you won't even feel it.

You won't feel it, but how about me?

How about those other fellas?

They were only laughing.

You know, there are times when you try my patience.

There's nothing to it.

It's all in your mind.

Now just sit back and (EXHALES) relax.

Why they could pull every tooth in my head,

and I wouldn't even feel it.

Why didn't you tell him?

I thought you were laughing.

Say, what are you all weepin' about? Didn't I get the right tooth?

You got the right tooth but the wrong man.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Steady. I'll get the right one.

You see, it didn't hurt a bit, did it?

Not a bit. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Listen.

Everything is okay.

Now, don't get nervous when the time comes.

Hey, I ain't nervous.

- I'll go right now... - Hey, wait a minute.

Back up dumbbell. You wanna kill everything?

Tiger's plotting again, is he?

How did you find it out?

We overheard those two new fish talking it over in the yard.

We've got 'em outside now. Do you wanna see them?

No, I have no time to bother with 'em.

So, The Tiger and his gang are at it again, eh?

I've no time to question those two fish now.

I'll tell you what to do.

Double the guard on the front gate.

Put more men on the wall.

Pull a guard around the yard.

Telephone the governor. We may need the militia.

Turn your biggest guns on the front gate.

That's where we're gonna need the most.

So they wanted a showdown, did they?

They wanted a fight to a finish, did they?

But by the living Lucifer, they're going to get it.

Go on now. Now, hop to it.

Hey, what's the big idea?

We're just in conference.

Well, do your conferring down at the mess hall. Fall in.

We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.

You're not going to eat.

No, we're on a hunger strike.

Emphatically.

GUARD: What?

You're going to pass up that nice big roast turkey?

With chestnut dressing,

and sweet potato Southern style.

Great big pans of hot biscuits,

strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream,

sprinkled with powdered sugar,

with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it.

Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice-cold watermelon

and a big, black cigar.

Any nuts?

GUARD: All you can eat of them.

How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?

Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.

GUARD: Come on, fall in.

Find yourself a seat down there.

Hey!

What about that turkey dinner?

- Sit down, you.

Haven't we had bad luck enough without you spilling the salt?

Make a wish and throw some over your left shoulder.

Psst. Psst.

Hey, what happened upstairs?

You're going to get it.

The warden's gonna fix you.

- Huh?

And he said...

They squealed on us, the dirty rats.

Yeah.

But I'll get 'em.

I'll see we'll get 'em.

- After dinner. - I got you.

We're free.

And nobody knows where we are.

Let's go.

Let's get in here.

You dirty double crosser.

Wait.

Oh!

Please come back.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

Help! Save me!

House is on fire.

Help.

Fire.

Come on, we don't have time for rescue.

Save me. Save me.

Wait there.

Help! Save me.

Help us!

Fire.

Save me.

Help.

Help. Fire.

Help! Fire!

- Ah.

Why do you want to fire that gun in mess hall for?

They get the message already.

Tiger!

- Tiger! - What do you want?

- Look, what I got. - Oh, sweet.

Oh, great.

Now we can make our getaway through the left wing.

Come on. Let's get them.

Why don't you behave?

The dirty double crosser.

He tried to warn them.

My boys.

And you are my boys.

I hold in my hands the pardons for both of you.

This is the state's gesture in showing its appreciation of your bravery.

It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall

that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.

Thank you, sir.

Now, go.

Begin life anew.

Forget this.

Let this episode here be just a hiatus...

To be obliterated from your memory.

And don't forget that I'm your friend.

Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off,

call on me at any time.

Thank you.

We'll start all over again.

We certainly will.

Can we take your order for a couple of cases?

Why you...

Hey, Charlie. Your lawyer's here with the bail money.

Tell him I ain't in.

You're what?

You heard me. Tell him I ain't in.

That man with the pencil is the real star of this picture.

He was a writer- many kinds of a writer:

A social critic, a humorist and a technician.

His name was William Sidney Porter...

but you'll remember him by his pen name.

That's part of our language now- O. Henry...

I'm a writer too. My name is John Steinbeck.

I've always believed that a writer should be read, not seen.

But O. Henry's dead. He can't speak for himself.

I wonder if he would if he could.

Remember O. Henry.'s safecracker, Jimmy Valentine?

Little boys still want to grow up to be like the Cisco Kid, the Robin Hood of the West.

Our folklore is full of O. Henry. - his courage and his gaiety and his people.

He wrote so many good stories, it's hard to choose.

- Here's one in point.

- The Cop and the Anthem. You wanna hear it?

When wild geese honk high of nights...

and ladies without fur coats grow kind to their husbands...

then you may know that winter is near at hand...

and that the time has come to resolve oneself into a Committee of Ways and Means...

to provide against the coming rigors.

Lf, in addition, one is a denizen of the city's parks...

like our good friend Soapy here...

the need is not only great, but a state of real emergency may be said to exist.

Yes, Officer. Certainly.

At once.

Good morning, >Mr. Throckmortonl

Ah, good morning, Truesdale.

- Kind of chilly, ain't it? - Bracing, my boy. Bracing.

Have you made any plans for the winter yet, Mr. Throckmorton?

- You may call me Soapy, Horace. - Thank you, sir. Have you?

- Naturally. - You ain't thinkin' of going to jail again, are ya?

- And why not? - Because jails ain't what they used to be.

They're lettin' 'em run down something awful.

They say almost anybody can get in 'em nowadays.

My dear fellow, you must not listen to every rumor you hear.

From long experience, l can assure you that our fair city boasts...

of no finer institution than its penal system.

What is more to the point, I am a man of simple, if discriminating, tastes.

Three months in jail, safe from wind and snow...

and the bludgeons of the blue-coated minions of the law.

Good morning, Officer. Three months, I say...

uh, of assured bed, board and congenial company...

at the city's expense are all that I ask of life.

I don't know, Soapy. To me, jail's jail.

I'm, uh, considering Florida myself.

Florida, that crass, unspeakable place, the Coney Island of the tropics?

Fit only for millionaires and reluctant witnesses? No, my friend.

For 15 years now, a hospitable, luxurious...

well-heated cell has been my winter quarters.

I would not swap one night of it for a full season at Palm Beach.

A fellow was telling me that these people run...

some nice places downtown for dependents like us.

Charity? No, thank you. I'll take the law over philanthropy any day.

For every benefit received at the hands of charity, one must pay-

If not in coin, at least in humiliation of spirit.

For every bed, there is the toll of a bath.

Nor, may I add, does the law insist on prayer...

morning, noon and night.

How are you going to work it this year, Soapy?

Oh, there are devious ways, my friend.

Wait here.

- Say, look here! That's my umbrella! - Oh, it is, is it?

- Yes, l- - Suppose you call a policeman and tell him that.

Go on. Call him.

There's one at the corner.

Why don't you call him and tell him I took your umbrella?

- If you don't, I will. Officer- - I'm sorry, but you know how these things happen.

I picked it up in a restaurant this morning, by mistake, of course.

If you recognize it as your umbrella, l hope you'll excuse me.

Dirty crook.

There are other ways, my friend, one of these being first to satisfy the inner man.

Shall we go?

No, no, no. Ah.

What are you gonna order, Soapy?

How 'bout some, uh, roast mallard duck to begin with...

accompanied by a bottle of Chablis wine, provided the year and vintage are right.

- Duck for breakfast? - Breakfast, by all means.

After which, perhaps, uh, a Camembert, coffee and, unquestionably, a cigar.

Under the circumstances, I would think a dollar cigar would be just about right.

A whole dollar for one cigar?

My dear fellow, upon such occasions as this, one cannot afford to be niggardly.

Wait for me there on the curb.

- Yes, sir? - Cigar, please.

- Yes, sir. Any particular brand, sir? - Your best.

Yes, sir.

- Enjoy your breakfast, sir? - The duck was slightly overdone.

I do suggest you speak to your chef about that.

- Oh, yes, sir. Certainly, sir.

- It's inferior. Is this your choice brand? - Yes, sir.

- It is? - Allow me, sir.

- Will there be anything else, sir?

- Just my check, please. - Yes, sir. The check.

Yes, sir. Check coming up.

It may interest you to know, my good man...

that I and the minutest coin of the realm are total strangers.

- Uh, how's that? - I said I was broke.

Don't just stand there with your adenoids showing. Go and call a cop.

- What's the matter? - He says he isn't going to pay for it.

- He hasn't got any money. - No money?

No money.

- Come on, you- - Come on, you thief!

- What do you think, coming in here-

Oh! What are you doing to that man?

- He- He hasn't any money. - After eating everything on the menu too.

- Is this true? - They neglected to add...

that I also ordered a dollar cigar.

Although I must say that any resemblance between it and tobacco is purely coincidental.

- A cop will know what to do with his kind. - Never mind. Let him go.

- Let him go? - You heard what I said. It's on the house.

- You stay out of this. Nobody asked your opinion. - Poor devil's probably starving.

Get him outside as quietly as you can. I don't want any trouble.

Trouble? You don't want any trouble?

Listen, you nincompoop. I don't want any of your charity.

I am a citizen. I stand on my constitutional rights!

I insist on being arrested. Do you understand me? Arrested!

- Outside! - No! You can't do this to me!

Have me arrested, you dogs! Have me arrested!

- Soapy!

- What happened? - I've been double-crossed.

- Are you hurt? - Physically, no.

- Didn't work, eh? - Due to circumstances beyond my control, no.

However, I'm not discouraged.

Two battles lost does not mean that the war is lost.

It only means that some other way than through the stomach must be thought of.

- Shall we leave this loathsome neighborhood? - Take this with you!

- Are you hurt? - No, thank you.

Gosh. Your umbrella. Are you all right?

I ought to report you for this banana.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

- What was that? - Call the police!

- Police!

- Who threw it there? - I did.

- Which way did he go? - There! There he goes!

- Hold that man! - Hey, wait a minute. I did it!

Hey, come backl l did itl

I did it!

E-Excuse me. You forgot this.

Good afternoon, my dear.

Aren't you a little lonely window-shopping all by yourself?

Wouldn't you prefer to come and play in my backyard?

Sure, I don't mind, if you buy me a drink.

How's dear cousin Fanny?

L-I'm afraid, my dear, there's been a mistake.

Mistake? What kind of mistake?

- I owe you an apology. - Apology for what?

For allowing you to think that I might buy you a drink. That's quite impossible.

I haven't got a dime to my name.

- Hey, what is this? You trying to kid me? - Not in the least, my dear.

I'm only trying to undo the wrong I've done you-

A wrong committed, I might add, for reasons that your young...

and inexperienced mind couldn't possibly understand.

Since my means are limited, l can only ask your pardon...

perhaps persuade you to accept, as a token of my regard...

the last, uh, valuable left to me from a once formidable estate.

My compliments to a charming and delightful young lady.

What's going on here? What's happening?

He called me a lady.

Think of it. Thousands of them swinging their blasted clubs...

walking their blasted beats...

doing nothing but eat up the taxpayers' money.

All day long I've flaunted the law in their faces...

and not a one of them- not a single one, mind you-

Has lifted a little finger to prevent it.

I've a good mind to write to my congressman.

You going to the park again tonight, Soapy?

Where else can I go?

There isn't any hurry.

Listen to the music.

I seem to remember that tune from somewhere.

No? Well, this might be a country churchyard...

such as I knew in my youth...

in the days when life contained such things as mothers and roses...

ambition and friends, immaculate thoughts...

and Little Lord Fauntleroy collars.

Let's go in for a moment and enjoy the peace.

- Me?

The front door is open The invitation is obvious.

- What's the matter, Soapy?

Ain't you feeling good, Soapy?

Hey, maybe tomorrow will be different.

Maybe if you was to try somewhere else...

like Central Park maybe or Wall Street.

There'll be no tomorrow- at least no tomorrow as you imagine it.

That phase of my life has ended.

You sure you feeling good, Soapy?

Maybe if you was to go back and sit down again.

It isn't my body that's sick. It's my soul.

For the first time in my life...

I've viewed the horrible pit into which I've tumbled-

The degraded days, unworthy desires...

dead hopes, wrecked faculties, base motives...

that have made up my useless existence!

I wasn't gonna tell you, Soapy, but I got 30 cents a lady give me.

- I'll buy ya a beer. - It isn't beer that I need.

It's hope, faith...

the assurance that it's still not too late to pull myself out of the mire...

to make a man of myself again...

to conquer the evil that's taken possession of me!

We better get out of here. If somebody was to hear you talking like that...

there's no telling what we'd have to go through.

People praying over us, preaching to us.

But there is time. I'm still comparatively young.

Resurrect my old and eager ambitions...

and pursue them without faltering.

I'll give up this life of dissipation and idleness.

Tomorrow I'll go into the roaring downtown district and find work.

I recall a fur merchant...

who once offered me a position.

I think I must have his card about me somewhere.

I'll find him, lay my plight before him, seek his aid.

Yes, here is his card.

I recall his kindly face.

A noble man, if ever I met one.

He'll give me a job. He'll help me make something of myself.

- I'll be somebody in the world! - Okay, come along.

- Huh? Officer, what have I done? - Never mind. Come along.

Don't give me any of your lip, or I'll bash in that skull of yours.

Come on!

Loitering, eh? Guilty or not guilty?

Your Honor, if it pleases the court-

One of those argumentative types, eh?

- Where did you pick him up? - Comin' out of church.

- Church? - Your Honor, I'd just stepped in to refresh my soul.

I'd just undergone the most salutary spiritual experience.

I'm a reformed man, and l- Today I'd planned to apply for a position.

- Find any candlesticks on him? - Oh, no, Your Honor. I assure you.

- Maybe he was try. Ing to rob the poor box. - Oh, no, Your Honor.

I didn't find a thing on him- not even a dime.

- Ninety days. - For what?

Vagrancy- no visible means of support.

- Next case.

O. Henry. Learned about jail the hard way-

in jail.

He did his research on an iron cot, listening to his cell mates.

He never felt superior to the people he wrote about.

And maybe it's that humility that draws us to his stories again and again.

Here's one of the best, The Clarion Call.

Half of this story. Can be found in the records of the police department.

There is no record of the other half...

but it belongs behind the doors of the editorial office...

of a New York newspaper.

Well, welcome back. How'd it go?

- I got him there. - Good.

- Nine. - Uh, 18.

Hi, Chief.

Hello, Barney.

One counterfeiter delivered to federal prison, Leavenworth, Kansas.

- And now I'm bushed. - No wonder. Long trip, handcuffed for five days.

Uh-uh. Not that long.

I took the handcuffs off outside Newark.

He was an old man of 70, going in for good.

That train ride was his last chance to stretch his legs.

You look tired. Take some time. Lay out till Monday.

Thanks. They found some more counterfeit in the old boy's shoe.

The warden ducked and asked us to turn it over to the downtown treasury.

Hundred-dollar bills?

- Beautiful job. - Almost perfect.

They trapped him on the picture.

The old goat parted Franklin's hair on the left side.

- Said it looked better.

You signed for it, you keep it. We'll send it down Monday.

- Get some rest. - Thanks.

Does this belong to you?

No, that's a clue in the Norcross murder case.

Robbery knockdown. Happened while you were away.

None of that means anything. No fingerprints, no nothing.

Must be an out-of-town killer.

I know everybody's work around here.

Looks expensive. Where'd you find it?

On the rug in Norcross's room.

Whoever killed him left it. There's some printing on it.

Yeah. Camptown Races.

July the fourth, 1901.

Doesn't mean a thing.

It's a nice tune though- Camptown Races.

Mind if I check it out a while?

Sure, sure.

If you think you can do any better. It's our only lead.

I used to sing it myself in the old days.

A good quartet number.

- Do you happen to know Johnny Kernan?

- Who? - Kernan. Johnny Kernan.

No, I don't believe I do.

Thanks.

- Something I can do for you? - No, thanks.

There. It's Johnny Kernan.

But he's only been registered a week.

- Maybe it isn't the same one.

It's the same one.

Look, I'm not full owner. There isn't gonna be any trouble.

He's the best wrestler l ever saw.

Whenever the referee ain't lookin', he gets 'em.

- Give me a beer.

- How's the bock holding out? - Fine, fine.

- Guess who! Go ahead! Guess. Guess who. Guess who. - I don't have to guess.

- Hello, Johnny.

The big man, Barney Woods.

I bet you'd have known me anywhere by that trick, huh?

I'd have known you anywhere.

Give him a big drink. We're old pals from back in Erie, P.A.

- Long time ago, huh, Barney? - Yeah.

He ordered a beer.

- He just finished it.

- Now get him a real drink. - Yes, sir.

Clam head! Oughta give him a mouthful of knuckles.

What about the old bunch back at the hotel? See Gimp Charlie much?

Oh, I lost track years ago. I've been living here for a long time.

No foolin'! Wish I did.

I'm just passing through. Going to Chicago tonight.

Hey, uh, whatever happened to, uh, uh, Hazel- Hazel? Was that her name?

- Yeah. I married her. - No foolin'!

Bet you got a ton of kids by now, huh?

Oh, that was some place around the Star-Union Hotel.

Remember SoreJaw Weber, huh?

And the singin'! We must have did a hundred songs.

- Hey, you. - Yeah?

- You know "Sweet Genevieve"? - A little.

A little! Clam head! That's one of the best songs there was!

Don't forget the Camptown Races.

The best. The best! The best! The absolute best!

- You know that one? - Yeah.

Yeah. Him and me won a prize doing that one. Quartet out at the picnic grounds.

Go ahead. Start it up.

Go on! Open your throat! Start! Sing, will you?

Come on! Sing!

Ah, that's good, huh? Wish we had the Doc and Jonesy for balance though.

Come on, ya monkey! Clap! That was good.

Clap!

Okay.

How 'bout "Heart of My Heart"?

Oh, I don't know, Johnny. Why don't we go somewhere where we can talk?

Sure, sure. The old times, huh?

Come on upstairs. I got a jug.

We'll belt a few, have the old times all over again, huh?

I doubt it. We had 'em once. We can belt a few anyway.

Sure.

Look at you.

What are you doing here?

Get out! Get out.

Go to your room! We wanna talk!

Can I stay and talk too, Johnny?

Move, or I'll knock some of that fat off of you!

What a nerve, huh?

- What do you want? - The kitten. I've got to have something to do.

Yeah, kitten!

Here. Now, get out!

Now, where's the food, huh?

Ah, here it is.

For a man that's just passing through, you've got all the comforts of home.

I always manage to keep a jug handy.

I'll get this glass cleaned up a little bit.

Well, bring me up to date.

You still doing hotel work?

No, Johnny. Police work.

Detective, 16th Precinct.

Well, what do you know?

Honor bright.

Well, you got the right trainin'.

I still remember Barney Woods...

best speller in the third grade.

What about you, Johnny? Still as restless as ever?

I manage to live. We can't all be good spellers.

Here.

I'll trade you.

It's yours. Mine's at home.

That was a good quartet, huh?

First prize we ever got- four gold pencils.

- Wonder what happened to Doc's. - I don't know.

But yours was on the floor of the Norcross house.

- Pack your linen, Johnny.

Wait a minute, friend.

- I can still take you.

Now, get up.

Get out of that coat.

Throw it over here.

I always was born a few minutes ahead of you, Barney.

Where'd you get all this steam?

I knew you had a little trouble upstate, a little bank work-

- But murder? - Ring off! Ring off. Ring off.

Don't get sentimental about some old guy neither of us ever met.

Gun or no gun, Johnny, I'm gonna have to take you in.

Why? Why, huh?

You're the only one who could connect me with that pencil.

That's right.

Then let's pretend this is one you never heard about.

Sorry.

You ain't gonna take me in.

- Why? - If you were me, you'd take me in.

But you ain't. You're honor bright.

You're dumb Barney Woods.

You've got a debt to square.

Don't count on something that happened that long ago.

It'll never be long ago for you, Barney. Don't kid me.

It'll always be right now.

The backroom of the Star-Union Hotel.

The hour and the night...

and the pail ofbeer that caused it.

lt's in your eyes right now-

- the trouble you were in.

You couldn't afford to lose money you didn't have.

You were on probation.

You'd been a bad boy, but people were willin'to forget about it.

After all, it was just a slip.

But you couldn't stand another one.

That state pen down at Harrisburg was a little too close.

One more slip'd get you a train ticket...

and a nice new suit of clothes.

- Well, you made it that night.

You wrote out a check for a thousand dollars you didn't have.

all the trouble you needed.

That's the size of it, Barney. You were on your way up.

A loser. And don't kid yourself.

You'd have stayed a loser.

'Cause once they make you walk up an alley...

you'd never use a front door again.

So I bailed you out.

You stammered and said you didn't know when you could pay it back.

You stammered and said you didn't know when you could pay it back.

l said, I'll wait.

So I'm waitin'.

And now l want my thousand.

That's what I said, pal: There'll come a day.

And here it is.

How 'bout that drink now, huh? Come on. Come on.

You can afford it. I'm buying.

Oh, you don't drink on duty, huh?

Copper.

Look at ya.

Look at that suit, those shoes.

You couldn't pay back 10% of it.

- What do you make, 40 a month? - A little more than that.

You were a cop from the start.

- You've always had your hat in your hand. - Is that all?

It is if you can't pay up.

Maybe some other time.

If you had any belly, you'd take me in right now.

But that little favor out in the past sticks in your craw.

It's there to remind you what a naughty boy you were.

If you ever get in the way of some money, look me up, huh?

Well, well, well! Look who's here.

The big man.

Sit down. Let me buy you a drink.

Hello, Johnny.

I never knew of a good thief that'd touch liquor.

- Makes you bigmouthed. - This is a special occasion. Very special.

I'm catching the night train for Chicago.

Did you follow me here?

No.

I've got part of the money, Johnny- nearly $300.

- I want you to take it. - Stop kidding. Stop kidding.

A debt's a debt.

If you give somebody a hand, you don't give them your little finger.

You give them your whole hand.

It's a thousand or nothing.

Look, how long do you think you can get away with this sort of thing?

Take a tip from me. Give yourself up.

Put in a plea. Go light.

I'm light now. I'm light. Can't you see?

You're the only one could put a hand on me.

No, you're all wrong.

Police files are never dead, Johnny.

- Some cop somewhere, he'll get a line on you. - Nah!

Could be anybody anywhere. Could- Could be somebody like that?

- Yeah, they could put a finger on you. - Who's that?

It's Dave Bascom.

He's the city editor of The Clarion-Call.

Newsboys! Bunch of clam heads, all of them!

They got nothin' on me.

Hey.

You a city editor?

I work on a paper.

Big bunch of crime solvers, ain't ya?

What about the Norcross murder? What have you done?

- We've got a man working on it. - Sure, sure!

Big crime stoppers. What's he done, huh? What's he done?

Did he check with a cab driver down at 34th and Fifth? No, he didn't check.

Did he check with a lady across the street who saw a man go in the house? No!

Clam head didn't do nothin' right. Nothin'!

Nothin'.

- Is that all? - Ain't that enough?

Big crime reporters.

Couldn't find a hangnail if they told you what hand it was on.

Clam head.

That was a mistake. He's one of the best heads on Herald Square.

Oh, you don't think that meant anything, do you?

The cabbie and the lady across the street?

I went in the back way.

I just wanted to show he was a clam head. That's all.

I'm afraid you're too smart for us, Johnny.

I'm sick of looking at you, Barney.

Go somewhere.

- Good luck, John. - You don't mean that, pal.

No, you're wrong.

I wouldn't wish you bad luck. You'll have enough of that.

Hmm!

Hmm.

- What's your name? - Frank.

- Where do you live? - 221 East Fifth Street.

- I thought I told you to take a breather. - You did, sir.

But I was in the neighborhood. Besides, I've got something I want to talk to you about.

- It's personal. - Sure. I'll be with you in a minute.

in the last two weeks you've-

All right, Barney. What can I do for you?

Barney?

It's getting steadily worse.

We've now hit rock bottom.

Hoodlums, vandals, criminals of every stripe...

have turned our police power into a laughingstock.

- It's become a huge public joke.

Mr. Bascom. There's a man here from the police department.

- Says he wants to see you. He says it's urgent. - Send him in.

Hello, Barney.

Westbound Limited.

- Chicago, Omaha, Denver- - Here you go, tar bucket.

Los Angeles, San Francisco.

I've got something for you.

Where'd you get it?

Where'd a cop like you pick up a thousand dollars in clean hundreds?

Never mind where I got it. Just count it.

I trust you, Barney. I trust you.

The important thing is, where does this leave us?

We're all square.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough, huh?

So we start from scratch.

- Go ahead. Take me in.

- Just so we'll end even, good luck, Barney.

Save your strength.

You got a broken firing pin.

Up in that hotel room.

You don't think I'd give you a healthy gun?

Give me that.

Get over here.

Get out.

Step over it, you clam head.

O. Henry was born in North Carolina.

He moved to Texas when he was 20.

He bummed all over the Southwest, the Gulf ports...

even the banana republics of Central America.

He was 40 when he reached New York, and he loved the city.

Called it Baghdad on the Subway.

New York gave him a new Arabian Nights.

Look at this one he called The Last Leaf.

The setting? Greenwich Village.

The time? Winter.

The condition? A blizzard.

This was the village oflow rents and high art...

where poverty and ambition held hands.

But also life went on...

and death went on...

and love went on.

And sometimes love stopped.

Whoa! Whoa!

Joanna. It's about time you got back.

Your sister got so wild, she almost called up the police.

Susan! Susan!

Jo!

Well, how is she, Doctor?

Pneumonia.

I'll look by in the morning.

Thank you, Doctor.

- Will she be all right? - Oh, she's young.

No reason why she shouldn't pull through.

Good day.

Pneumonia.

And all because of that actor.

- I warned her against him hundred times. - Shh.

- I know men like him like I know colors. - Mr. Behrman.

Ah! Would she listen to me, to the man who knows everything...

who has been everyplace and seen everything?

- Mr. Behrman, please. - Oh, yes, I know what you and your sister think of me.

Just an old goat who lives upstairs and makes a lot of noise on the ceiling.

- Mr. Behrman, will you please be quiet? - What is the matter with you?

Why are you so excited? You heard what the doctor said.

She's young. She will pull through well. She'll be all right.

It'll be a good lesson for her.

Now, you stay here, and I'll take care of this.

- I was going to the art dealer anyway. - Thank you.

Mr. Behrman- Tell the druggist to charge it.

Yeah. Actors. I hate actors more than I hate poison!

The doctor says it's nothing.

Just a couple of days rest.

Of course, he thinks you ought to be spanked for going out in such weather.

Sue. I'm so ashamed.

Why should you be?

Oh, sure, your pride's hurt now.

Six months from now you'll be laughing about it if you even remember.

Now close your eyes and go to sleep.

I can't.

Nonsense. Of course you can.

You don't understand.

L-

I haven't told you everything...

about Sheldon and me, l mean.

You don't have to.

I think I've known for a long time.

What you must think of me.

L- I feel like-

Look, baby, it isn't the end of the world...

because-well, you made a mistake.

What we both need is a change of scene.

Oh.

I'll pick it up in five minutes.

- Behrman, not again. - Now, look here, Boris.

You can take my word...

of a man who is independently poor.

I've done exactly everything the way you told me.

I bought an apple, I bought a pear, and I bought a banana.

And I put it all in a bowl and I started to paint.

Just like you told me. Look.

Another Behrman.

Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi, yil

Behrman. Maybe you are ahead of your time.

Maybe in 1950 they will recognize it for what it is-

Whatever it is.

But my customers only like paintings they can recognize.

All arts must communicate.

And yours doesn't say anything to anybody who comes in here.

Look here, Boris. What you've got on your walls, a camera can do much better.

- I know, I know. - No comparison!

For once, why don't you paint something that people can see what they're looking at?

- You can do me a great favor- don't tell me what to paint. - Behrman, please.

We are old friends, huh? Try again.

Go back and paint an apple...

a banana and a pear.

- I can't! - Why not?

I ate them.

Look here. Would you buy this Behrman...

if I give you my sacred word of honor that I will try again?

All right. Three dollars.

Three dollars for a Behrman? You always pay me five.

Business is bad.

Well, then you cannot afford it even for three dollars.

I'd rather starve until 1950, if necessary.

Three dollars for a Behrman! Who does he think I am?

Well, it's all ready. That'll be two dollars.

- All right. Charge it to Miss Goodwin. - Miss Goodwin.

Sorry, sir. No more credit.

What are you talking about? The girl is sick, and you're talking about credit?

I only work here. I've got my orders.

All right. Wrap it up. I'll be back in a minute.

I am coming into a small inheritance.

I've treated a great many patients, Miss Goodwin.

Some accomplish miracles...

because their will to live is the best medicine they could find.

There's also a will to die.

I could save your sister if she wanted me to...

but she doesn't.

Whatever the reason, she isn't helping me.

You must be wrong, Doctor. She has so much to live for.

Mmm. If you can convince her of that, she'd pass the crisis.

I can only do so much.

Well!

- The broth will be warm in a minute. - I'm not hungry.

Another one.

What?

- You know, it's funny. - What's funny?

Oh, the things you notice when you're ill.

Things you never noticed before.

Like what?

Like that ivy vine across the court.

What about it?

Yesterday I counted exactly 21 leaves on it.

- Don't you think that's funny? - Why funny?

Don't you see? I'm 21.

Now there are only 14.

I'm getting younger.

In a day or so, they'll all be gone.

And when the last leaf goes-

That's funny too, isn't it?

The way things live...

die.

Oh, but it's good to be alive, Jo!

You believe that, don't you, baby?

I'm so tired, Sue.

You take a nap.

It'll do you a world of good.

- Don't- Don't do that. - I just want to darken the room.

I like to look outside when I wake up.

You will try to get some sleep, won't you?

I'll try.

That old goat!

- It doesn't bother me, Sue.

Well, it bothers me.

- Come in!

How's your sister?

If you really cared, l wouldn't have to be here again.

Oh, yes, I know. I'm making so much noise.

But, you see, when I paint...

I get so mad with myself that l- I forget myself.

Is she really so sick, huh? I thought by now she-

- No. - What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

She's got some crazy idea about the leaves...

on the vine across the court.

What kind of a crazy idea?

I think she- Oh, it's so hard to explain.

But- But somehow she feels that the vine has something to do with her life...

that-

That when all the leaves go...

she'll go.

Look, Susan, this is all absolutely crazy.

I know it sounds silly, but... the way she talked about the vine just now.

Look, now, you're- you're tired.

You haven't slept all these nights, and all this is making you sick too.

If you could have heard her-

Maybe you're right.

- Maybe I am beginning to imagine things. - Of course you are.

Now, look, you go to your sister...

and I promise you I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

A dead one.

Hey! No more of these crazy ideas.

All right.

Jo! Jo!

Those leaves don't mean a thing.

You're going to get well, baby.

You're going to get well!

We should know by morning.

- Behrman! - I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit tipsy. Now, just-

Go on, sing! It's a happy occasion.

What do you care aboutJoanna?

You've done everything you could to keep her from getting well.

I don't ask you to forgive me. L-

I just want you to understand.

Please, go away.

It's only today that...

for the first time, l finally realized what I really am.

A three-dollar painter.

No more, no less.

My paintings, they've got nothing to say to nobody.

And I know why.

It is because I got nothing to say.

And when an artist knows...

there's nothing left for him to do but just to drown himself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mr. Behrman, I'm so upset, l don't know what I'm saying half the time.

Don't worry, Susan.

You really didn't say nothing that wasn't true.

What are we going to do?

I was right about the leaves.

There's just one left now.

It'll be gone by morning, and when Jo wakes up-

But that kind of thing can't happen, can it?

It- It just can't happen.

Have courage, Susan.

And if a prayer of an old goat will help...

your sister will get well.

Don't worry. She'll get well. She'll get well.

- Susan? - Here I am, Jo.

Let me see the leaves.

- No, not now. - But I want to know.

- Later, Jo. Later. - Please, Sue.

It hung on, Jo, right through the storm.

Isn't that something?

And if one brave little leaf can do it...

you can do it too.

How do you feel?

I'm hungry, Doctor.

Well, that's the first sense you've made in days.

- Some broth? - Yeah.

Well, I'll- I'll stop by tonight...

uh, just to say hello.

- Sue? - Yes?

Could l- Could I have my mirror and my brush?

Oh, Sue!

What's going on?

I'll find out.

- What is it, Mrs. O'Brien? - Why, it's the old man.

- That artist fellow upstairs in 3-B. - Mr. Behrman?

He was drunk last night, staggering around in the snow.

I saw him kneeling on the ground as though he were a dog or something.

- What happened? - An old man his age in the snow for hours?

His heart gave out. They found him this morning. He's dead.

Oh, he was crazy like all them artists.

Imagine, in the middle of the night, he come and asked me for a lantern.

Oh, but he was a nice old coot at that, you know?

What is it, Sue?

- Behrman? - Yes.

What happened?

He died last night.

Oh.

- Poor old Behrman. - Yes.

Poor old Behrman.

It won't be the same without all that noise upstairs-

Stomping around, breaking things every time he finished a painting.

He was a good friend of ours, Jo.

Too bad he wasn't a better artist.

l could never make head or tail out of anything he ever painted.

I think you're wrong, Jo.

He was a great artist.

Someday I'll tell you how great.

O. Henry had been, at one time or another...

a druggist, cowboy, bookkeeper, reporter, editor.

To O. Henry., no one was too good to slip or too bad to climb.