Original subtitles

DISTANT FUNK MUSIC

INDISTINCT CHATTER

MAN: Evening!

Well, Lady M certainly has the moves, huh?

Shame for you, she's only got eyes for Lord Charlie.

Yeah, lucky blighter.

Come on, Major! You're far too handsome to be a wallflower.

MAJOR: I know, Your Ladyship!

My looks are a curse! HE LAUGHS

Oh! Oh... Lord Charlie!

Don't tell me you've nodded off. SHE LAUGHS

You better hit the dancefloor.

Your wife is being swamped by admirers!

SHE LAUGHS

Lord Charlie?

Charlie?

Charlie!

Darling, wake up, please.

Charlie?

Oh, no.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

A wonderful service, ma'am. Very fitting.

I'll fetch you a pot of tea, shall I? Unless you'd prefer something stronger?

Thank you, Chamberlain, tea will be fine.

And thank you all for your kindness over the last few days.

We knew this was coming...

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

I know Lord Charlie thought the world of you.

As do I.

MAN: At last!

The magnificent Lady Mortimer.

I've heard so much about you.

What the hell are you doing here?

Mm.

FRANK: A load of pensioners being turfed off their allotments.

Not exactly The French Connection, is it?

THEY GASP

- Oh! - Where did he come from?

I didn't see a thing! I just...

He came out of nowhere!

He just...

Oh, Frank, oh, I can't even look. I can't look!

Is he alright?

Well, he's quite well-dressed for a crash test dummy.

Oh, my!

I just... I thought...

MAN: You think you can scare me with this... some ridiculous, stupid voodoo doll?

What's all that?

WOMAN LAUGHS ...bit of fun!

Isn't that Viola's?

MAN:...crackpots, all of you! - Yeah.

Ooh!

What? What is it now?

It's my sciatica. That's your bad driving, that.

I should put a claim in.

Look, old chap, we've said before and I'll say it again

we have no beef with Her Ladyship.

Then get off her land!

DOLLY: We don't understand why you can't build elsewhere.

The villagers have been allowed to grow on this land for generations.

The covenant cannot be broken.

Whatever.

You've had a good run, now get lost before your luck runs out!

Uh, sir?

I would have to ask you to stop making threats.

MAN SCOFFS Threats?

They're promises.

Mr Fitzallan, if you continue, I'm gonna have to place you under arrest.

Me? FITZALLAN LAUGHS

Me!

I'm not the one doing anything illegal, am I, boys and girls?

It's not just old rosemary and thyme getting boxed up in that shed, is it?

DOLLY AND MAJOR LAUGH

Something should be done about him!

I know how I'd like to deal with him.

DOLLY LAUGHS - Darn ruffian!

THEY LAUGH

I just don't know what you think we can do to stop this eviction.

Oh, Viola speaks so highly of you.

We need you to... dig up a bit of dirt.

Haven't you got enough of your own? - THEY CHUCKLE

There is something a bit off about this new estate manager, Fitzallan.

He seems to be pulling Lady M's strings.

Yes. She was our greatest supporter until he came on the scene.

Literally turned up on the very day of Lord Charlie's funeral a few months ago

been causing ructions ever since.

Well, come in. Come in!

But things were civil with Her Ladyship before that, were they?

Oh, yes! We were great friends.

We used to get up to all sorts up at the hall.

Balls.

DOLLY: Musical events. - MAJOR: Garden parties.

She used to come and play poker here in the Clubhouse, at least once a week.

Wonderful woman.

But since this eviction notice, we've tried to talk to her

but Chamberlain keeps fobbing us off.

- Chamberlain? - MAJOR: Yeah, the butler.

Fitzallan seems to have him wrapped round his little finger too.

We just don't know how we got to this.

Steady on, old girl. She'll come through.

Mmm...

We just need to get that blasted Fitzallan off the scene.

Do you think there could be something going on between the two of them

maybe a little romance?

No, no, no, not her type at all.

He's a right rum sort.

Yeah, no, he is, sir. He's quite handsome, isn't he?

Quite alpha male...

There's a little... air of danger about him, isn't there?

It's a...

I'm just saying, you know, it's like Lady Chatterley's Lover.

It happens, doesn't it?

It is possible. She does seem completely spellbound by him.

Well, seeing as we're here, we might as well take a look around.

Oh, can we just have a cuppa before we... before we start?

Yes! Yes, of course, erm...

Ooh...

You couldn't put some semi-skimmed in that, could ya?

You can't put milk in one of Dolly's combobulations, old chap.

Ah. - Oh, smells lovely! What's in it?

Oh, today's speciality is ginger, turmeric and arrowroot.

It's especially good for warming your cockles.

My cockles are nice and snug as they are, thank you very much.

MAJOR: Do sit down, old chap.

Yeah, I'd love to. I'm having a bit of nerve trouble, you know.

DOLLY: Oh...

So you were given three months' notice to get off the land?

We were given the notice a while back.

We didn't think Lady M would go through with it.

Oh, how long have you... Ow. FRANK GROANS

How long have you got? - Um...

Twenty-five hours and approximately 33 minutes.

FRANK GROANS

Oh, it's not that bad, Frank. I'm sure we can do something.

It's my sciatica.

Dolly, don't you think it's about time that we gave him one of your magic potions?

Oh, yeah, erm...

Rub this into the affected area four times a day.

Nah, I'm fine, thanks...

No, no, it's purely herbal, it'll do you no harm.

Oh, go on. You might as well give it a go.

Might stop you doing all those weird grunting noises.

What d'you mean? FRANK GRUNTS

So sorry. - FRANK SIGHS

Ooh! What's in here then?

Uh, nothing, old chap. Just a lock-up for tools.

Lots of chains.

Well, can't be too careful.

DOLLY GASPS And don't go near those plants.

Oh. Sorry! I'm trampling all over your flowers.

Oh no, don't be sorry. It's hemlock. It grows wild all over the estate.

Place is crawling with it. Well, off you go!

See you. - Bye!

IN CALIFORNIA ACCENT: Hey, dude?

I think I know what's in the lock-up.

SHE LAUGHS

Just get in the car.

FRANK GROANS

There must be some aspirin in here somewhere.

It's like Pirates of the Caribbean, isn't it?

I was going to say The First Folio, but...

SHE LAUGHS Yes!

I love a good bodice-ripper.

Is that the one where the Argentinian polo player hypnotises all the rich wives

with his big gold fob?

Er, no such thing!

It is an unutterably important early compilation

of the Bard's seminal works. - Sorry...

Bet this gives me a rash.

FRANK GRUNTS

What was it me mam used to say?

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Oh, Francis...

your skin is delicate as a new-born angel's tears."

SEBASTIAN CLEARS THROAT

"I, Baron Mortimer of Arden, in this year 1741

do hereby grant in perpetuity farming land for the sustenance

and fortification of the peoples of Ardenwicke

and their issue, and their issue's issue..."

Bless you. - THEY CHUCKLE

This covenant has stood for nearly 300 years.

Yeah, we've had a solicitor look over it.

Apparently it's just an expression of wishes, but it could stand up in court.

Yeah, but they haven't got the money to fight it.

Right. Look at this. This red outline is the allotments.

Now, planning permission for a wedding venue was granted three years ago.

But what I don't understand is why build it smack bang in the middle of the allotments

when you've got 38 acres to play with?

SEBASTIAN: That is the question!

I went online to the council's planning portal.

Now, Lord Charlie originally asked for it to be built here.

Right beside the lake, beautiful mooring for a gondola.

Oh, yeah, dreamy.

Yeah, the bride sailing up in her boat

the groom waiting on the end of the pier

to sweep her up in his big, manly arms

and then rips...

Then he'd just rip her off, actually, for every penny she's got.

Where did you get married, Frank?

Registry Office.

Well, no, it was closed for a refurb

so they moved us to this temporary portacabin in the carpark.

And it rained.

Well, I say rain. It was more like hail.

Oh, I can see you're impressed.

Don't worry, wasn't as romantic as it sounds.

Anyway, do we know anything else about Fitzallan?

I mean, it seems weird that he showed up out the blue and started shouting the odds.

Haven't found so much as a parking ticket.

Now, he did work as the house and estate manager for Sir Alfred McArthur for 17 years.

I'm just waiting for Sir Alfred's PA to get back to me with a reference.

But the really strange thing is no-one has requested any modifications

to the original planning consent.

I mean, you can't just move an entire structure even on your own land.

LU SCOFFS

Hang on, are we saying that at this precise moment in time

there is no planning application to build anything on the allotments?

What's the hurry to demolish it then?

Uh... Maybe they were growing something they shouldn't?

We need to find out what's going on.

That's where you come in, young Sebastian.

Here we go. Allotments, dirt...

Cheek by jowl with a load of soggy old cabbages.

Au contraire. A nice cosy job by the fireside.

UNDER HIS BREATH: By the fireside, he said, not in it...

CLOCK CHIMES

CHAMBERLAIN: Don't touch those!

Beg your pardon.

It's just, uh... I mean, Her Ladyship has such fabulous bone structure.

Help me with this rug, will you? - Ahem.

So the Lord and Lady do a lot for charity?

His Lordship is no longer with us

but he devoted his life to good works. Her Ladyship continues.

Hospitals, orphanages...

She's even started a retirement home for old racehorses.

Ah! How wonderful.

Still, I suppose it's easy to give it all away when you're born into it though.

Not Lady M. She made her own money, sold her business for millions.

FITZALLAN GROANS

Chamberlain.

Ah, an unforgivable oversight. I'll refill it straight away.

I know how much you appreciate His Lordship's vintage malt.

What's all this mess?

Er, the chimney. The sweep reckons there's a dead pigeon stuck up there.

Superstitious chap, says it's a bad omen.

Oh, dear.

One rather hoped my run of rotten luck was coming to an end.

I'm taking Nugget out, Chamberlain.

My poor darling is finally over his nasty cough.

Call Pecksmith please, tell him to saddle up.

Most certainly. My pleasure, ma'am.

Er...

Oh.

How remiss of me.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

This came for you this morning.

Ah!

Flaming Nora.

"Berkeley, don't be a..."

Don't be a what?

Cheapskate.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

There we go.

LU: Oh!

Thanks?

You feeling alright?

Ha! All dressed up and in a good mood.

Will the real Frank Hathaway please step forward?

Did that potion cure you? - Well, might've helped a bit, yeah.

DOLLY: I've just made some hawthorn and sage tea.

And perhaps you'd like to try some of my extra special chocolate brownies?

BOTH: Ooh!

Why not? - THEY LAUGH

Be a shame not to, wouldn't it?

Thanks. - There you go.

Well, that's a turnip for the books.

D'you get it?

Turnip? Turn-ups?

Never mind.

DOLLY: Would you take that up to the hall?

Righty-o.

It's a gift box for Lady M.

A sort of last-minute peace offering from all of us.

I don't suppose it'll make any difference though.

We've only got three hours till the eviction.

Have you made any progress?

What, about Gerald Fitzallan? No.

No, not yet! But we do have a man on the inside.

He might have some information. I'll give him a call.

Oh, listen up, everybody.

We are staring into the abyss.

And it looks like we'll be implementing...

Operation Oregano!

CROWD CHEERS

SHE SIGHS

PHONE BUZZES

Mr Fitzallan, I really think you should put the brakes on.

Brakes? HE CHUCKLES

Oh no, Lady M.

I'm not waiting any longer.

CHAMBERLAIN: One of Mrs Tearsheet's new camomile concoctions from the gift basket.

You should try some, Mr Fitzallan. Very good for your equilibrium.

Somebody told me the allotment holders have hired private investigators.

Who knows what they may find out about the covenant?

Your tea. - Thank you.

LADY M: I spoke to my lawyers this morning.

I'm afraid we may have to grant them a stay of execution, a further 90 days.

FITZALLAN: Three more months?

No. I said I'd get rid of them today, and I will.

LADY M: What are you doing?

Taking care of business.

ENGINE STARTS

- That's for you. - Thank you.

That's for you. - Thank you.

We all look better, obviously, if we stand as one.

CROWD CHANTS - MAJOR: Give it a bit of welly!

Oi!

Rip Van Winkle, how many of those have you had?

Lu, man... You're such a buzzkill.

It's just great to be alive, isn't it, eh? - PHONE RINGS

Free from pain...

You! - HE LAUGHS

- Sebastian, hello. What? - Sebastian!

- CROWD CHANTS: Plants not profits! - Oh, my...

- CROWD CHANTS: Plants not profits! - Stop.

VIOLA: I said stop!

I'm ordering you to stop!

Viola, what you doing? Get out of the way!

BRAKES SQUEAL

HORN HONKS

Sir, turn your engine off!

Sir!

HORN HONKS

HORN STOPS

He's dead.

So, the butler gave this to Fitzallan

who looked furious, and couldn't wait to get rid of it.

FRANK: "Berkeley, don't be a..."

Don't be a what?

Do you think it's a threat? - Well, he's dead.

PHONE RINGS - SEBASTIAN GROANS

Shakespeare and Hathaway, Private Investigators?

Uh, that's right. Yes, I did...

Really?

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, there must have been some sort of misunderstanding on our part.

Thanks for calling. Goodbye.

Flaming Falstaffs! The plot thickens.

That was Sir Alfred MacArthur's PA.

Absolutely horrified at the mere suggestion that Gerald Fitzallan

was looking for another job.

Why?

He's been dead for four years.

LU GASPS

Every time something bad happens, you two turn up

and yes, we already realised Gerald Fitzallan is not who he said he was.

It was pretty obvious, actually.

Oh, really? How?

Oh, it's an ongoing investigation. I can't divulge.

So you do think there was foul play, though?

You know, like he'd taken something or maybe he was poisoned?

Poisoned? Poisoned with what?

Well, there's hemlock growing all over the place, for a start.

Hemlock?

Really? What about a sprinkle of "baboon's blood"

and a little bit of "lizard's leg"? I mean, seriously, come on.

Oh! - Oh, no...

No! It's gone all over my paperwork!

Miss Shakespeare, you're so clumsy at times!

Stop it, just leave it.

- Missed a marshmallow there. - Just get out.

LU: Yeah...

SHE WHISPERS: Did you get it?

SHE CHUCKLES

Hiya! What's going on here?

Well, terrible news about Fitzallan

but Chamberlain's just been down.

Lady M has decided to cancel the eviction notice.

So we're back in business! - Yeah.

That is fantastic news.

Ah well, you won't be needing us any longer.

Oh, look, sorry about that, chaps.

But thanks for all you've done and you'll send us the bill, eh?

Yes. - Oh, and do take this.

Oh! - Oh, wow!

And this is...?

Kale.

Kale! Oh, it's, um...

Yeah, very, very... very tasty.

- My favourite, actually. - It's mine too.

Well, it is a superfood.

- Yes. - Super.

Food.

- Well, cheerio. I'll send you the invoice. - Thank you!

Hang on.

Um... just one thing.

Does the name Richard Rathbone mean anything to you?

Can't say it does.

Me neither. Should we know him?

No, no, it's just an idea I had. It's, um...

Well, I'm glad it's all worked out, so good luck.

- Thank you! - Uh, wait! Wait!

How are you at poker?

We're just going to start a new hand.

I mean, I'm alright. I could... I could give it a go.

SHE CHUCKLES

- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in!

Can I interrupt?

MAJOR: Ooh! - DOLLY: Oh!

LADY M: I...

just wanted to see you all in person

to apologise for the events of recent months.

I've been such a fool...

and I'm so very sorry.

Oh... There's no need!

And I've just been told some shocking news.

Do sit down, please!

- Yes, please. - Fred, make way for Her Ladyship, would you?

- Good man. - Righty-o.

You're so kind.

I've just had a visit from the police.

Mr Fitzallan was apparently a criminal.

- Some sort of thief. - The scoundrel!

Makes sense.

Went by the name of...

Richard Rathbone.

I just... I can't believe I was taken in by him.

Outrageous!

Did you really have no idea?

Not a jot.

Well, my darling Charlie had just passed away.

No, it's just that he said, didn't he, that he'd worked for Sir McArthur

for quite some years, I thought you might have checked his references.

I'm afraid he caught me at a very vulnerable time of my life, and...

Obviously, I didn't have my wits about me.

I just took him at his word...

A conman.

None of this is any of your fault, Your Ladyship

and I don't think we should continue asking for any further explanation.

Must have been a terrible shock.

Certainly was.

But I'm just sorry that it's created these divisions between us all.

I know, Lady M. Why don't you join us?

We're about to start a new hand. - Mm!

Really? - DOLLY CHUCKLES

LADY M: What, after everything that's happened?

You're so kind.

Well... that'd be lovely.

Shall I deal? - Would you?

Twenty pence a hand. It's a bit rich for my blood, but OK then.

So how you feeling, Lady Mortimer, after your revelation?

- Dolly knew, didn't you, old thing? - Hm?

Had him down as a bounder right from the start.

Did you, Dolly?

Well, I... Thought of him, but yes...

I'm in and I raise you ten.

ALL: Ooh!

- Oo-er. - I'm in.

- Well, then I'm in. - LU: Oh...

go on then.

Stakes are high!

Yeah. - LU: Oh, hang on.

Two aces and two kings... that's a thing, right?

LU GIGGLES I'm kidding.

THEY LAUGH

This is such good fun! It's just like the old times.

THEY CHUCKLE

If you don't mind me saying so, Your Ladyship

you seem to be a bit of a pro with the deck there.

Misspent youth, I'm afraid. My father was a very keen gambler.

He used to frequent the Cavendish Casino.

- DOOR OPENS - Ma'am!

No need to be alarmed, Lady Mortimer.

Some new information has come to light regarding Mr Fitzallan's death.

The deceased imbibed a special brew before he left the house.

I understand you made a basket of your speciality teas

on the morning of his death, Mrs Tearsheet?

Or should I say "Professor" Tearsheet?

Well, actually, I prefer Dolly.

Yes, yes, I did. It was a present from all of us.

Well, we found c onium maculatum in his blood.

Having spent your entire career as a clinical biologist

perhaps you could tell us all what that's more commonly known as?

Yes, yes, of course. It's hemlock.

Someone's done the blighter in, is that what you're driving at?

Dorothy Tearsheet, I'm arresting you for the murder of Richard Rathbone

AKA Gerald Fitzallan.

What, me? I've done nothing wrong.

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention

when questioned something you later rely on in court.

Oh, Frank...

Lu, you've got to help me, please.

Surely there's been some mistake.

Chin up, Dolly. We'll get to the bottom of this.

You're hired.

Again.

Some articles from that robbery he was involved with.

"From Gold Bars to Behind Bars.

Bungling thieves try to steal 80 million but are nicked red-handed."

Ah, this is that massive bullion raid in London.

I remember this.

Yeah, they got caught in the back alley loading the van.

CCTV had 'em bang to rights.

Mm-hm, the police received an anonymous tip-off

and four of the men were actually arrested still in the vault.

Our friend Richard Rathbone, AKA "Richie Fingers" was the leader of the gang.

No...

Listen to this, "Scotland Yard believe that an accomplice managed to get away

with 15 million"!

FRANK: The vault was in Berkeley Square.

Oh, the letter!

"Berkeley, don't be a..."

What, "Don't be a square"?

Someone was onto Richard Rathbone. Knew his true identity.

And was trying to blackmail him.

Yeah, but why kill him if he's trying to extort money out of him?

Must have been someone who had connections with the Hall.

But who?

I've been doing some... "digging" about the pensioners, background stuff.

And the only one with a blot is the Major.

No!

The Major? But he's, like, a real gent.

He's proper old school!

Yes, impeccable manners

for someone who was kicked out of the Army for theft.

LU GASPS No!

Aw, are we saying that we think he might be our fifth man?

MAJOR GASPS

MAJOR CHUCKLES

I didn't hear a thing.

Very clever.

You must move like a pincer unit.

HE CHUCKLES

FRANK: Hello, Major.

Or should I say Sergeant Major?

Well, we were just trying to supplement our pensions.

Dolly would brew up some herbal teas and tinctures

and we'd sell it at the local health food shop.

Any particular kind of "herb"?

Yeah, you know, any... "special blends"?

- What are you driving at? - LU GIGGLES

I think you know what we're talking about.

Oh, you're talking about cannabis?

Good grief, absolutely not.

Oh.

Right, well, then...

What... what was in those "special brownies" that Dolly gave us yesterday?

Cos Frank was off his face!

Cinnamon, cardamom, capsicum pods.

Maybe a sprinkle of ginger root. All totally harmless.

You idiot.

Well, maybe the power of suggestion?

Yes, the power of suggestion.

Look, if it was all legit, why the cloak and dagger?

Well, we were afraid of breaking the covenant.

Look, these allotments were only ever

for the "sustenance of the people of the village".

Well, we thought that if that darned Fitzallan

or whatever his name is...

ever got wind of the fact that we were making a bit of profit on the side, well...

perfect opportunity to throw us off.

Can I just ask... - Mm!

Why did you get a dishonourable discharge from the Army?

One of my rookies never paid attention.

He accidentally shot himself and ended up in a wheelchair

with his mother having to spoon-feed him.

Well, she was on her own.

I tried to help out.

I raided the stores.

You know, tins of ham, salmon...

Well, whatever could be sent through the post.

Sounds like you did everything you could to help them.

Thank you, my dear.

Dolly Tearsheet did not kill that man.

She's a wonderful person.

All she's ever wanted to do is heal people, not harm them.

BOTTLE SPRAYS

Is that a new shirt? Another one?

No.

I think Lady Mortimer has a prior appointment but I will check.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh, yeah...

Yeah, this is the life, isn't it, eh?

Do I suit it?

Yeah?

Private school, and ponies...

Marrying a Lord.

Some people have all the luck, don't they?

Yeah, but Sebastian said she's got her own business, made her own money.

Listen.

"The lovely Tatiana Gervaise, much in-demand interior designer to the rich and famous

declares business will now take a back-seat as she devotes more time

to her numerous charities and cultivating the country estate

of her new husband, the ebullient raconteur Lord Charles Mortimer."

LADY M: Hello.

I'm afraid I can't stop, I'm hosting a charity brunch in town.

But have you been able to find anything that could help dear old Dolly?

I'm afraid not.

Well, I've left instructions with my accountant to pay all her legal fees.

That is so very generous of you, Your Ladyship.

LADY M: The least I can do.

The allotments have been a godsend to the estate, in boom and bust.

I can't tell you how much turnip soup we've had!

FRANK LAUGHS

Turnip. Love turnips.

Feel free to talk to any of the staff.

One feels such a fool, being taken in by the likes of Richie Fingers.

Please, just tell Chamberlain if you need anything.

I will, thank you.

Thank you. Thanks.

SHE WHISPERS: Well, what d'you make of that?

What, paying for Dolly's defence team?

Phwoar. She is a lady through and through.

No, I mean using the name "Richie Fingers". Why would she use his nickname?

CHAMBERLAIN: Ahem.

Ah, I wonder if you could help us.

Can you remember any events leading up to Mr Fitzallan's death?

Most certainly.

Let us hope this whole sordid business can be put to bed as soon as possible.

Ardenwicke has never been tainted by scandal.

I just thank goodness that our dearly beloved Lord Charlie isn't here to see it.

So, Richie Rathbone gets released from prison

and the first thing he does is target the estate. Why?

Because he thinks the mysterious fifth man's hiding there?

With his share of the gold.

Yes, 15 million hidden or buried.

Under the allotments?

That's why he wanted them off it.

But hang on, the allotments have been there forever.

Yeah, and if you had, like, 40 acres to play with...

Why not bury it in the woods?

Where no-one could see you coming or going?

Ooh, Frank. Look at this...

Next door to the vaults.

SEBASTIAN CLEARS THROAT

Ma-ma-ma...

"The daring ambush started when thieves entered the bomb-proof safe

via the cellar of the building next door

the legendary Cavendish Casino."

Didn't Her Ladyship's dad used to gamble there?

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you about this job I had in a salon on a cruise ship?

It was when I'd first finished training.

Where's this going?

Right, so every night I used to sneak up to the roulette tables

to watch this Spanish croupier that I'd fallen in love with, Pedro.

Ay, si, Pedro, por favor!

Donde esta los ba�os publicos? Mm...

Um...

Yeah, anyway...

he offered to teach me how to, um... how to deal the cards.

And I wasn't very good at it, I mean, it's all fingers and thumbs

but apparently, it takes years of practice.

And did you see how slick Lady M was?

Well, her dad used to let her shuffle the pack when she was a kid.

No, no, this was, like, different. It was like a professional move.

She kept turning her palms up.

It's to show that you're not hiding any cards up your sleeve.

So, do you think she worked at the casino?

I mean...

d'you think that's a career choice for someone who went to the top ladies' college

in the country? - That's a point.

Not traditionally a profession for a privately educated young lady.

Unless maybe she never even went to the college.

FRANK SIGHS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS - Nope.

No record of Tatiana Gervaise.

Well, maybe she had a different name back then?

Well, no, the school secretary's been here since the '70s

and she seems really confident that there's never been a Tatiana

and it's not a very common name, is it?

Maybe one of her schoolmates knows something.

I dunno, something just doesn't add up.

Do you really think that Lady M killed Fitzallan?

I mean, she'd just pay someone to do it, wouldn't she?

Rich people never get their own hands dirty.

And why pay the bill for Dolly Tearsheet's lawyers

when she could just let her take the blame?

LU: Frank...

Look at that.

LU: So, a couple of things have come to light and, er...

we just wanted to chat to you about them, actually.

Thank you, Chamberlain.

Tea?

- No! - No, no!

- No way. - Thanks anyway.

Will that be all, ma'am?

No, could you tell Pecksmith to make sure that Nugget has an extra blanket?

They say we're heading for quite a cold snap.

Thank you, Chamberlain.

Uh, the thing is, Lady Mortimer

we've been making some enquiries, and, um...

We...

We think that you poisoned Richie Fingers.

I did?

But why?

Well, because you were part of the Berkeley Square Bullion Raid.

How exciting. In what way?

Well, you were working in the casino as a croupier next door.

You got embroiled with Richie Fingers.

He got banged up. You got away.

Soon as he was released, he came to find you, to blackmail you.

Or maybe just to get his gold.

FRANK: And you had to get rid of him. - LU: So you poisoned him.

In his tea.

I did what?

- And you're not a Lady. - How dare you!

I mean, yes, you're a lady.

I mean, we know that you weren't born a Lady.

You were born as Tracy Jarvis, the school blacksmith's daughter

and you were just passing yourself off as a student, which is...

FRANK GROANS

Hang on! No, wait!

- Wait! - FRANK GROANS

LU: Oh, no!

No, don't...! She's locked it. It's locked.

FRANK: Chamberlain!

HE KNOCKS

Chamberlain!

Oh, come on, Sebastian.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just seeing if there's a secret passage.

SHE SIGHS

We're gonna have to call the police.

FRANK GROANS Keeler's gonna have a field day.

She could be miles away by now.

Nah, there's something she won't want to leave behind.

Like what? Millions of pounds in gold bars?

No, something far more precious than that. - DOOR OPENS

LU: What's that then?

FRANK: Ah, I wouldn't bother.

The police are on the way.

Thank you, Chamberlain.

Thank you for everything.

That'll be all.

No.

No, Ma'am. It will not be all.

I am here to serve you, ma'am, in whatever capacity it takes.

For as long as you need me.

So, it was actually a fifth woman the police had to find.

You sat in the getaway van, waited till it was full then drove off.

And then you grassed them up.

Rathbone found out, so eventually he tracked you down.

You had to get rid of him. - No.

Yes, and I'm afraid you will now be going to prison for a long time.

Murder, robbery...

LADY M: Murder, no.

You're right. I was involved in the raid.

I was a croupier at The Cavendish.

I didn't realise the seriousness.

I know it sounds stupid, but...

he was my first love.

I was swept away.

HORSE SNORTS

When I lost my nerve, then he was onto me.

He said I knew too much.

Are you saying he made you go along with it?

You took a nice little slice. Well, a huge slice for yourself?

It was too tempting.

A fresh start.

A chance to be accepted.

What, by all the posh girls that you actually never went to school with?

We paid a visit to Dunsinane Ladies' College.

Well, actually I did go.

On a scholarship.

My father was thrilled. I hated it.

I was bullied the whole time, never fit in.

Except with the horses.

They were quite happy for me to take all the trophies

but then I was back to plain old "Tracy Tap Tap".

The noise from the smithy. My father taught me how to make the shoes.

And how to smelt down the gold bullion.

Hm...

And then I met Charlie.

That was like a dream.

With his contacts, we were able to do amazing things with the money.

I mean, I tried not to just squander it.

Then Richie Fingers showed up and spoilt the party?

SIRENS WAIL - In this house...

The staff, the running costs...

All the gold had virtually gone.

I mean, I told him I'd buried it under the allotments.

I was praying the covenant would buy me some time.

Until you could kill him?

I didn't. I swear!

Oh, come on. You've confessed to everything else.

You have the perfect motive. Who else would want him dead?

Right then. What's going on?

We think we have enough evidence to prove that Lady Mortimer...

Tatiana Gervaise.

Tracy Jarvis.

Who?

Her. - Me.

What?

I did it.

Ah, it was the butler. It's always the butler.

Hang on a minute, are you saying you killed Rathbone now?

Chamberlain?

I knew everything about the bullion raid, ma'am.

I've always known.

But you loved Lord Charlie, and you loved all of us.

And your money, however you got it, saved the Hall.

I saw that you were a good person.

When Fitzallan turned up, it was obvious he was a bad lot.

So it was you who sent the anonymous letter?

Well, I hoped it would frighten him off.

And when it didn't, that's when you poisoned the tea?

Why does everyone think it was the tea?

It wasn't the tea, it was the whisky!

He was always helping himself to Lord Charlie's malt.

A case of Blanmorag, 1951.

There are only 200 bottles left in the world.

Ah, so you started to replace it with the cheap stuff?

He couldn't tell the difference. Uncouth.

He was the only person who ever touched it.

I could guarantee...

I couldn't let him hurt the most kind and wonderful lady I have ever met.

KEELER: Alright then, arrest and caution 'em both.

I'll see you two back at the station.

You're welcome.

Nugget...

Will you make sure he's looked after?

Nugget! I get it.

I was thinking chickens.

FRANK: Come on.

Hello! - Hello.

I... I wonder, you haven't got any more of that back remedy, have ya?

Yes.

Erm... - Very sad about Lady M.

But we're all going to put in excellent character references.

Yeah, I keep wondering who's gonna look after the Hall if she goes to prison?

It might be held in a trust to revert back to the people in the village.

Well, I'd just like to say thank you to you all for all your hard work.

It's all part of the service.

Ah!

Ah, yes, this whole debacle...

Dolly and I realised that we are not getting any younger, eh?

That's right... - Aw, you wanted to "grow" old together.

Mm! - And this...

is for you.

Oh, not some more of those amazing brownies?

Oh...

Oh! It's kale, Frank!

Oh, your absolute favourite!

Oh, that is great. He's chuffed.

My favourite...

THEY LAUGH

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