All language subtitles for Sex Appeal (1986) EN

Don't do that, Tony.

Tony, you know I don't
like French kissing.

That's dirty.

Sorry, Audrey.

No hickeys, Tony.

Jeez. Come on.

Tony, no. Tony.

Come on, Audrey.
I just want
to touch 'em.

Please?

Okay, just for
a little while,

but I'm not going
all the way.

All right.

Tony, no.

Please, just let me
touch 'em.

Okay, just a little.

- Tony.
- Audrey.

- That tickles.
- Audrey.

Stop. Tony.

You're going
to make me pee.

- Pee?
- Woman: Tony, hurry.

Oh, Jesus.
Hurry. Get dressed.

Let's go.

Tony:
Uh...

hi, everybody.

Ma, Dad,
this is Audrey.

Audrey, this is
my ma and dad.

Hi, Audrey.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Cannelloni.

How come you're sitting
in the dark today?

Uh...

we were-- we were
watching the moon.

Tony:
Yeah. Yeah.

In here?
There's no moon
out tonight.

Is there a moon out,
Joe?

Louise, will you
take it easy?

There's a moon
out there.

You get any?

Audrey, is there
anything I can get you,
a drink or something?

No, Dad.
We were just
about to leave.

What's this?

That's mine, Mom.

Sorry. I been
looking all over
the house for it.

Christina, how many times
have I told you

to please pick up
after yourself?

Anybody want coffee
in here? Joe?

Yes, dear.

No, thanks, Mom.

Come on, Audrey.
I'll drive
you home.

I'm going to walk.

What do you mean,
walk home?

You can't leave me
like this.

It's not my problem.

When can
I see you again?

Tony Cannelloni,
if I never see you again,

it'll be too soon.

Oh, Audrey,

aren't you
forgetting something?

Ah, what's the matter,
big brother?

You know, I heard
cold showers do wonders.

Nice day, isn't it?

Was until you opened
you big mouth.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Tony! Tony!

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Good morning, Daphne.

Cannelloni, you are
five minutes late.

Sorry.

Sure.

Nice day, isn't it?

Yeah, right.

Hey, that's
a no-no.
Come on.

- Let's go. Come on.

Weirdo.

Nice day, isn't it?

Sure. Come on, honey.

Are you sure
you wouldn't be
more comfortable

in a hotel room
or something?

Oh, honey,
why waste your money?

Besides, when I
get through with you,

you'll think
you're in heaven.

But first,
money, please.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

Oh, butterfingers me.

Could you?

Yeah, sure.

See, honey?
Just like heaven.

- Louise:
Tony.

Are you going to be
in there all day?

I'll be out
in a minute, Ma.

Tony.

Yeah, Ma.

We're ready
to sit down to dinner.

Okay, okay.
Jeez.

I got a surprise
for you, Tony.

I invited Deborah
to dinner.

Tony has this obsession
with hygiene.

He's always
in the bathroom.

Well, cleanliness is
next to godliness,

I always say,
Mrs. Cannelloni.

- Hi, Deborah.
- Hi, Tony.

Well, Tony,
did you have
a nice day?

Don't ask.

Tony, I got the tickets.

What tickets?

I told Deborah
you love birds.

So I got tickets
to the Audubon Society
lecture tonight.

It's all
about the mating

of the African
speckle hawk.

Christina:
I think you're
confused, Mom.

Tony didn't
say "birds."
He said "chicks."

Chicks, ducks,
penguins, same thing.

Christina:
Um...

no, Tony promised
to help me

with my-- study
for my business exam.

Yeah, yeah. I did?

Well, Tony can help you
tomorrow night.

Deborah went
to a lot of--

Joe:
But, Louise, I need
the car tonight.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Cannelloni.

We can use mine.

Joe:
Ahem.

Thank you,
Lord, for this
bountiful feast,

for
the antipasto salad,

for the chicken
Parmesan

with Louise's
famous sauce,

um...

the side linguini
with the--

smothered
in a green
pesto sauce,

and for dessert--

what's for dessert,
Louise?

You're on a diet,
remember?

Scratch the dessert.

Amen.

Excuse me, but...

What's the matter,
Deborah?

...well, I forgot...

What got into her?

Maybe you
should have
made dessert.

Sauce.

What did you
say to her?

That you had V.D.

Which one?

Is this yours?

No.

Announcer:
"Sex Appeal."

How to get it...

and what to do with it.

Do women reject you daily?

When was the last time
you had a date?

Are you still stuck
on first base

while the rest of the team
is hitting home runs?

Are you tired
of the Michael Jackson song

"Beat It"?

If you've answered yes
to any of these questions,

you may be lacking
sex appeal.

For 19.95, learn how
to attract the opposite sex.

Learn how you too
can achieve sex appeal.

At your favorite bookstore.

-Hi.
- Hi.

- How much is that?
- That's 4.55.

- Okay.
-Psst!

Book:
Psst. Over here.

-Good-bye.
- Bye now.

Hey, Bernie!
How much is "Sex Appeal"?

Oh, about 36-28-36.

Come on.

Hi, future seducer
and all-round sexy guy.

Hundreds of men
like yourself

in their spare time

discovered the secrets
of sex appeal.

If you follow
the simple steps

outlined in this book,

you can turn
your dull, drab life

into a jungle of steaming,
dripping erotic pleasures.

Is that the kind of world
you want?

Yeah!

Okay, okay.

First step, be cool.

Now the second step.

You need a primary
base of operation,

an oasis to lure
those voluptuous,

lusting, man-hungry
creatures of the night.

What?

An apartment,

a bachelor pad,

a place where a man
can be a real man

and a woman can be
that real man's mate.

Name's Donald Cromronic,

and I'm the super
of this brownstone

and writer
extraordinaire.

This is
my apartment, 2A.

So tell me,
where you from?

- Jersey.
- Jersey.

Yeah, I'm an accountant.

So tell me, you ever
written anything
I'd have read?

Yeah, probably.
I write for all
the magazines.

Oh, yeah? You mean
like "People"

and the "Enquirer"
and "Playboy"?

Hey, let's get
something straight.
I'm not a hack writer.

My articles
have appeared
in "Scientific America,"

"Reader's Digest."
We're talking "Popular
Mechanics" here.

Yeah? Is there any money
in those kinds
of articles?

Eh, not really.

That's why I'm also
working on my novel,

you know, the Great
American Novel.

Yeah.

Okay, here's
the vacant one.

Ta-da!

Donald:
Isn't it a honey?

The apartment goes
for 800 a month.

So what I'm going
to need from you

is one month in advance
and two months' security.

Think you can
handle that? Great.

Okay, now, there is
absolutely no animals,

no pets, no wild parties,

no reconstruction
without my permission,

no subletting,
and most important,

you could
not use this apartment
as a place of business.

I think that
about covers it.

You have any questions
so far?

Yeah. The beer cans
come with it?

Hey, that's funny.

I'm glad to see you
have a sense of humor.

I like that. It's going
to come in handy

when the heating
and plumbing go out.

Just kidding.

Well, I looked
at six other places,

and so far--

would you
excuse me
for a minute?

Oh, sure, sure.
Go ahead.

Book:
The right apartment

must have
separate living room,

bedroom, kitchen, and bath.

It must have a magnificent
view of the city.

And above all,

it must have privacy.

But if all you can afford
is one room

with a view
of a brick wall

and a nosy super next door,
take it.

Hey, you've got
to start somewhere.

I'll take it.

Book:
The next step--
you must cut

the umbilical cord
with your parents.

Leaving?!

Who's going
to take care of you?!

You're not married, Tony.

You don't have a wife.

Who's going to make
your favorite brownies?

Who's going to wash
your sneakers?

Who's going
to make your bed?

Louise, come on,
now. Calm down.

Is this
the thanks I get

for devoting
my life to you?

You're going
to get some kind
of horrible disease.

Look, Mom,
don't you think you're
overreacting a little?

I mean, it's not like
Tony's a child.

Hah!

Ma, I got to leave
sometime!

Tony's right.
I think it's time

he stands
on his own two feet.

My baby doesn't
love me anymore.

Ma-- Christina.

I'll go
calm her down.

Look, if Ralph
gets here,

tell him
to wait, okay?

You still seeing
that schmuck?

Oh, Dad.

You know, Tony,

I think
you're doing
the right thing,

but you sure
you're telling

the old Dad
everything? Huh?

Hey, I mean,
young guy like you

wanting
an apartment.

What have you got,

a couple of honeys
on the line?

Not exactly, Dad,

but I hope so soon.

Ah, yeah,
that's my boy.

Tony, you know,
when I was
your age,

well, let's
just say that

not too many girls
got past

your old dad's
touch. You know
what I mean?

- It's Ralph! I'll get it!

Eh, schmuck.

Tony, what
I'm trying
to tell you...

...I want you
to feel free
to come to me

with any of your
problems or--

Yeah.

Yeah, if there's
anything you
can't handle.

You know
what I mean? Okay?

Huh?

- Yeah.

Sure, Dad.

Book:
Now that you've
won your freedom,

the next step is
to appraise your surroundings.

Put your imagination
to work.

Remember, you're trying
to create an atmosphere

that will make you
look alive with sexuality

and make your prey
weak in the knees.

Great care should
go into the selection
of your furnishings.

The feel should be erotic
and sensual.

Warning, do not attempt
any skirmishes

until you and your place

are ready
for combat action.

Right. Right.

Come on,
you son of a bitch!

I beg your pardon.

Do you mind?

You're her.

You're the Midnight
Champagne woman.

I mean, you're the girl
on the poster.

Yeah. Look,
would it be too much

to ask you
to let me by here?

Yeah.
I mean, no, no. Sure.

Go ahead.

May I make
a suggestion here?

Yeah, yeah.

Tilt the corner
on the floor inward...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and put the top up.

Yeah.

Then corner it
around the door frame.

This--

Wow.

How'd you know
how to do that?

Just a little
common sense

and the desire to get
to my apartment.

- I'm Tony. I'm new here.
- Yeah.

Do you live
in the building?

- I'm afraid so.
- Yeah?

Maybe we could
get together
sometime.

Yeah, maybe.

She's beautiful.

Tony! Tony!

Please, Tony,
I need you.

I love you. I can't
live without you, Tony.

Mm, mm, mm. Oh, Tony,
won't you tell me

that we can maybe
go have some time?

Oh, Tony--

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

He said maybe.

He said maybe!

Donald, would you like

a little advice
from your agent?

Not really.

Tell me
how your principles

are going to pay
the $2,000 you owe
in back taxes.

The IRS could
care less about your
moralistic standards.

They want
their money, baby,

just like
everybody else.

Fran, I am this close
to finishing my novel.

The Great American Novel?

Donald, who in the hell
wants to read

about the founding
and development of
the American sewer system?

You still don't think
that's a good idea?

No.

Fran, I'm stymied.

I don't know
what the hell
to do now.

You need to make
some big bucks fast.

Oh.

And how am I
supposed to do that?

Sex.

Articles about who,
what, where,

when, and how about sex.

That's what sells!

Write me
those kinds of articles.

Screw your principles.

Okay, okay, okay.

Where do I start?

If I knew that,

I'd write them myself.

Dumb shit.

The outward appearance
of your apartment

should have
that respectable look

with only you knowing
what lies beneath it all.

Before your first attempt
at seduction,

may I suggest
you try a test run?

See that everything
works properly.

Remember,
practice makes perfect

in more ways than one.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Shit.

Yeah.

- All set.

Now what?

Now take a look
at yourself.

Do you look
like Burt Reynolds?

No.

-How about Robert Redford?
- No.

Good. If you did,
you wouldn't need this book.

Okay, now look
at your hair.

It needs an expert's touch,

cut and styled to accent
those strong features.

And those clothes.

What's the matter
with my clothes?

They've got to go.

You want to wear clothes
that are fashionable,

that will attract women,
not repel them.

Ehh, and that body.

When was the last time
you ran a step,

pressed some weights?

Most women like a man with
a toned, muscular body.

Okay.
I'll do it.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Cut those nose hairs.

- Ralph.
- Huh?

Oh, God.
The steering wheel stick's

crushing my back.

Oh, those muscles
of yours are
so big and hard.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Look, why don't
we try this?

Okay. Ralph.

Oh, God.
The gearshift,

it's sticking me
in the side.

Christina, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know
you are, Ralph.

Why don't we just
try the backseat?

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's it hanging,
Ralphie? Hi, Christina.

Want some popcorn,
guys?

Have a beer, Ralph.
Christina, you want one?

No, thanks.

Hope you don't
mind us watching
the movie with you.

-Nah.
- We snuck in

and don't have
anyplace to sit.

No kidding.
How'd you do that?

Well, we waited
until the guard
was just about--

Hi, Peter.

Uh...

maybe not these either.

You got something
with a little color?

Sure.

So what
do you think?

Not exactly
what I had in mind.

Oh!

All right, you animal.

-Now that your trap...

...is ready and baited,

it's time
to stalk your prey.

-Your first conquest...
- Yeah.

...should be a simple one,
a woman you already know,

but have always
been afraid to ask.

Pick up the phone
and call her.

Invite her to your place
for drinks.

If she says yes,
it can only mean one thing.

- What?
-Sex, dummy.

Oh. Yeah.

Yes.

Stephanie?

Stephanie.

Yes?

This is Tony.

Tony?

Yeah, Tony Cannelloni,

from the office.

Tony.

Oh, Tony, yeah.

What could I do
for you, Tony?

Well, I was thinking...

Book:
Do it. Do it.

- What did you say?
- Tony:
Nothing.

Well, well,
we've worked together
for over a year now,

and, well,
we don't really know
each other very well,

and I just
thought that...

Yes, Tony?

Well, I know
you're probably busy

and we'd never have
time to get together
for a couple drinks,

but I just thought
I'd ask anyway.

I'm never too busy
for you, Tony.

I'd love to.

Tony, are you there?

Y-Yeah.

I mean, you said yes.

You really said yes.

Book:
See?

Amazing.

Well, I'll see you,
Steph.

Aren't you
forgetting something,

like where do you live?

Miss Crenshaw, would you
come in here, please?

Miss Crenshaw,

I have something
for you.

Well, I don't
want it, Joe.

Do you remember
what you promised me?

Well, let me
refresh your memory,
Mr. Cannelloni.

"I promise you will
never have to do it

in the office again,
Miss Crenshaw."

You promised
to treat me
like a lady.

Like, why can't you
take me to a fancy
hotel or something?

It's not bad enough
you make me
work weekends,

but you can't even
keep a little promise.

Miss Crenshaw, you know
I don't like hotels.

I mean, try to find
someone with an apartment.

Give me a little time.

I promise, the next time
we get together,

we'll have
a nice little place.

So, well, don't leave me
in this condition.

Please, Miss Crenshaw?

I'll give you a raise.

Okay, Joe,

but this is
the last time,

and I mean it.

How much is
the raise?

Review your
last-minute checklist.

Music on.

Tony:
Check.

- Ice bucket full?

- Check.
-Clean underwear?

Yeah. Check.

♪ That sense
of magic's... ♪

Who's there?

Tony,
you in there?

♪ You prey
on any type of... ♪

Just a minute,
Christina.
I'll be right there.

What's going on
in there?

- Open up, will you?

What are you
doing here?

What kind
of welcome is that?

What's going on
here, anyway,

an orgy?

This is not bad.

Oh, Tony, you know
what you can use
right there,

you know,
is one of those
sexy statues

and stuff, you know?
That'd be great.

Oh, over here, Tony,
you could have

some of those
fancy mirrors
and stuff.

Don't you
got no TV?

Christina,
what do you want?

Nothing.
Look, I just came by

to see what
my big brother
was up to.

Look, Tony,
the least you
could have done

was invited me over
to see it.

Yeah, well,
now that you seen it,

Christina,
it's time to go.

But I just got here.

- Christina!
- What is the hurry?

I'm tired, Christina.
I had a long week

at the office.
I had loads of--

What are you up to,
big brother?

I got it. You got a date.

Lay off, Christina.

Okay, all right.
I promise.

No more questions,
but look.

Don't forget to call Mom
tonight, okay?

She's going sick
with worry about you.

Yeah, yeah.
I will, now. Bye-bye.

Ooh. I hope you score
tonight, big brother!

I got to get
this place ready.

Stereo.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, the bar.

I'll be right there.

♪ That sense of...

Hi.

H-hi.

Well, aren't you
going to ask me in?

Yeah, sure.
Come on in.

♪ Could you fall for me
once again? ♪

Two at a time?

That wimp?

Nah.

Tony:
Care for a drink?

Stephanie:
Sure.

I'll take a vodka martini,

very dry, on the rocks,
with two olives.

Yeah.

♪ Closer than
you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's
here again ♪

- ♪ Don't you know...
Here--

- oh!
- Oh!

I'm sorry.
Oh, jeez.

- No, no damage done.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I'll
just take this off

and let it
dry a bit, though.

♪ Just keep
that set of lips ♪

♪ Right in front
of my eyes ♪

♪ And we'll send
that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

- Care to dance?
- Sure.

♪ That sense of magic's
here again ♪

♪ You prey
on any type of friend... ♪

Hey, watch it!

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

Sure.

♪ I'd say that chance
is one to 10 ♪

♪ Your kisses
throw me now and then ♪

♪ You're closer

- Stephanie.
- ♪
Than you've ever been... ♪

Stephanie?

Tony, over here.

You want another drink?

No. Why don't you
come over here, Tony?

Take your clothes off
and join me.

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah.

Are you sure you don't
want another drink?

No, Tony.

Why don't you
just shut up
and kiss me?

Man:
Stephanie!

Homer?

Oh, my God!

Tony:
Who are you?

I'm her husband,
you nerd.

Tony:
Husband?

Let me explain!

It's not what you think!

Keep out of this,
asshole.

My score's
with her.

So you want
to mess around, huh?

You ain't getting
enough at home?

Well,
I'll show you, baby.

Show me what?

I'll show you
what I got.

Call me "man."

If you're
such a man,

what the hell
am I doing here?

I'll show you, baby.

I'll show you how
a real man does it.

Anyone care
for a drink?

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

Ah, you call that
a kiss?

Come here, baby.
You want a kiss?

Ooh. Now I'd
call that a kiss.

- Come here.
- Kiss me again.

Stephanie:
Show me what else

you got,
you man, you.

How's that
on a scale of one to 10?

A definite 12.

Yes.

Sex.

Of course.

Sex.

A kid from...

...New Jersey

rents an apartment.

Stephanie:
You macho man, you.

Yeah.
He turns it into a...

...swinger's pad.

The...

the New Jersey Casanova.

Ha!

Book:
Don't be disappointed

if at first
you don't succeed.

Watch. Take notes.

Don't worry.

You'll be the one
on that bed next time.

Yeah, next time when?

Have patience.

Do it again,
my man.

Not again.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

Fran:
And when the husband
breaks in,

it's hysterical.

To tell you
the truth, Donald,

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Now, just where did
you get the idea

for this New Jersey
Casanova story?

Oh, well,
I just came up--

Fran,
this is for $4,000.

$4,000.

It's only
the beginning, Donald.

Are you serious?

Now hear this.

"Playhouse" magazine
wants you to do

a 10-part series
entitled

"The X-rated
Adventures

of the 'New Jersey
Casanova.'"

Well, of course
I told them

my client
was too busy
finishing up a novel

and couldn't
possibly take on
such an assignment.

They offered
to double the amount
per segment.

- Tell me.
- I said no.

You said what?

We got triple.

Triple?

We have triple
on a 10-part series?

Do you know
how much mon--

triple. Waiter!

Your finest champagne.
Quick!

I took the liberty
of ordering earlier.

To the next 10.

To the next 10.

What?
What's the matter,
Donald?

Nothing. Nothing.

To the next 10.

Book:
Ahem!

Under no circumstances

give your apartment key
to your mother.

Christina, eat.

Ralph'll honk
when he honks.

Tony, you're
looking so thin.

He looks the same
to me, Ma.

Haven't you
been eating?

Here. Have some more
of my homemade spaghetti.

All right.

Now, Tony...

who's the one
that's most concerned
about you?

You, Ma.

And who's the one
that's most concerned

about your safety
and well-being?

You, Ma.

That's right.

And that's why I think

I should have an extra key
to your apartment.

Louise,
don't badger
the boy!

I'm not
badgering him.

I'm only concerned
about his health.

What if he
should get sick

or have
a heart attack,

or, worse yet,
what if some degenerate

should break in
and attack him?

How's anybody
going to know?

How's anybody
going to get in?

Ask the super
for the key.

Shut up, Christina!

I'm worried sick.

But, Ma, the only reason
I got the place

- was so I--
- Tony.

Tony.

All right, Ma.

You can have the key.

I'm going to hang it
right here,

where it's going to be
nice and safe.

I thought you said
you had a place.

I did. This is it.

This is not
what I envisioned

when you said
I should see stars.

Oh!

Shoot!

Put the blanket
over there.

How's this?

Great.

Let's get naked,
Ralph.

Oh, Ralph,

those muscles
are so sexy.

Oh, Ralph, Ralph,

can I touch
your muscle?

Ralph, can I
touch your muscle?

Ooh.

- Christina: What's that?

Nothing, just slapped
a couple mosquitoes dead.

- Christina: Ooh.

A couple?

You meant
a couple thousand,
didn't you?

Oh!

Ralph, let's get
out of here!
Come on!

Ralph, hurry!

I can't find my keys.

Oh, Ralph!

Oh, hunky jock
or no hunky jock,

you better find us
a place.

Now find those keys.

Oh!

Ralph!

Ouch!

Book:
Getting women
to take notice of you

is always easier
if you meet them
on their own turf.

On your days off,

stalk the supermarket aisles,

slink through
the women's clothes sections

of department stores,

and seek them out
at their watering holes,

the Laundromat.

You'll be surprised
at the number

of available women
out there

who'd jump
at an opportunity

to follow you
back to your lair

for an afternoon
of uncontrolled passion.

Hi.

Do I know you?

I'm your neighbor.
Remember the sofa?

Name's Tony,
remember?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Excuse me.

You know, it seems
like you're always
in my way.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hey, what's your name?

Corrinne.

Corrinne.

Tony! Tony!

I'm sorry.
I don't remember.

What did you say
your name was?

Corinne!

Ah, yes, Corinne.

Excuse me.
Is this washer
being used?

Yes, it is.
I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

- Hi. I'm Bunny.
- Hi.

You're new
around here,
aren't you?

Don't tell me.
You are.
I can tell.

You just have
that brand-new
look about you.

This is
my favorite
machine,

number 14.

It's also
my lucky number.

I'm so glad
you didn't use it,

because then
I'd have to use
another machine,

like number five.

I used it
last August

when this
little old lady
named Bertha

came in
and used number 14,

and, well,
it broke down

right in the middle
of the soak cycle.

I started to cry,
and I looked

all over
for another machine,

but there
wasn't one empty,

so I had to wait
32 minutes

for another machine
to be empty,

and then I carried
all my laundry,

and they were
soaking, dripping

with water
and soapsuds,

and I had to carry
them all the way

over there
to number 23.

What did you say
your name was?

- Tony. Tony Can--
- I knew a Tony once.

Or was it Bony?
Whichever.

He was so weird.

I fixed him tacos
for dinner
one night,

and he wanted
to stick 'em
between my...

Book:
Women love to talk.

Be a patient listener.

That big mouth of hers
has several other uses,

one of which should
become apparent quite soon.

Right.

Hello.

Woman:
Hi.

Who is this?

Is there something
I can do for you?

I just wanted
to hear your voice.

It's been so long.

What kind of music
do you enjoy, Tony?

Who is this?

How do you
know my name?

Vivaldi?

Vivaldi?

No, not me.

That's
my favorite composer.

His melodies
blend so well

over
a candlelight dinner.

Do you enjoy French?

Yeah, French, Greek,
you name it.

French cuisine, silly.

Are you from
a radio show
or something?

No. You're so cute, Tony.

Bye.

- Hello?

Hello?

Give me a minute.

Hi. I'm Bunny.

This is a very nice
hallway you--

I thought I'd never
find this place.

You know,
I get lost so easy.

Come in, Bunny.

I am in.

You're funny, Tony.

You know, one time
I went to visit

my aunt
on my mother's side,

and I got lost
for nine hours
and 10 minutes.

First, I took
the wrong turn.

Then of course
I was following
the wrong road signs.

It took me five hours
to realize

that I was reading
the darn road map
backwards.

Two weeks.
He's been there
two weeks.

Can you imagine
the dust balls?

They're as big
as grapefruits.

And the toilet bowl.

I don't even want
to think about
the toilet bowl.

Boy, that place.

Christina,
wish me good luck.

I'm off
to do battle.

Good luck, Ma.

Come on, Tony.
If you're there,
pick it up.

Rats.

My aunt had called
the police,

and by the time
I finally arrived,

there were probably
eight police cars
in the driveway.

I said, "Oh, my God,

someone must have
been murdered."

What a beautiful
place you have here,

just like
a hotel room
at the MGM Grand.

And look
at your little sofa.

My mother
has this sofa.

It doesn't
look anything
like yours, though.

She has it
covered in this
rose-colored plastic.

In the summer,
when you're all
hot and sticky

from the humidity
and you sit down,

you can
hardly get up

because your behind
sticks to it,

right through
to your underwear.

Can you imagine?

- Care for a drink?
- Oh, I'd love a drink.

Oh, I don't care.
Anything will do.

Vodka, whiskey, scotch,

tequila, beer.

Budweiser's a good beer.

Though some say
Coors is the best.

I really don't know.

Beer makes me want to go
to the bathroom an awful lot.

I just can't stay seated.

And you know
what they say about gin.

A couple sips of gin

makes you want to sin.

Gin it is.

Goodness, we've been
standing an awful lot.

You know, they say
if you stand too much,

it's not good
for your veins.

Here you go.

Cheers.

I read in
a medical manual once

that you can
get varicose veins
in your legs,

but I don't know
if that's true or not.

Take joggers,
for instance,

or football players.

They never seem to have
varicose veins
in their legs.

But then again,

I guess I just never
looked close enough.

How 'bout a movie?

Oh, goody.
X-rated films.

I love X-rated films.

I know this girl
who used to work

in the beauty shop
I go to.

She wasn't very good.

Anyway, she told me

she dated
a porn star once.

I didn't believe her,

but then
she convinced me.

You know
what she said?

She said he was
the one with the...

But when they got home,

it was only...

They must use some kind
of trick photography

when they make
those kind of movies.

Oh!

She's wearing panties
just like mine!

See?

Same brand, even.

Isn't it a small world?

I have panties

for every one
of my little moods.

Blue panties
for when I feel sad.

Yellow panties
for when I'm happy

and full of sunshine.

Green panties
when I have

a tinge of jealousy
streaking through me.

White panties
when I feel pure

and innocent
like a virgin.

Pink panties
when I feel sexy,

and red-hot panties

when I feel red-hot.

Oh, a Murphy bed!

And I love Murphy beds!

They're so cute
the way they fold up
into the wall.

I just remembered

I haven't folded
my laundry yet.

Later.
Fold your laundry later.

Oh!

Oh, Tony.

Tony, it's me,
your mother.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

Oh, good, company.

I love company.

A little
dinner party.

I can make
some appetizers.

I make
this wonderful
peanut butter

cornflake cluster.
You'll love it.

Just a minute, Ma.
I'll be right there.

First you take
the peanut butter,

about two pounds.

Then you add
a pound of
melted margarine,

not butter,

then a pound
of sugar,

two boxes
of cornflakes.

You have to add
the cornflakes...

What good is this
if you're going
to chain yourself in?

Extra protection, Ma.

- Louise:
You think?

Ma, what are you
doing here?

I'm here to clean
the apartment.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Aha!

A dust ball.

Ma, I just
cleaned yesterday.

What's this?

I was just about to
hang those to dry.

-With soap on 'em?
- Yeah, yeah.

Ma, you can't
clean today.

Why not?

Uh...

You don't even
hang up your phone?

What kind of slob
did I raise, anyway?

Hello. Yeah, he's--

Christina,
is that you?

Since when did you
start calling

your brother
in the afternoon?

Ah, just to say hi.

Isn't that nice?

Christina called
just to say hi.

Isn't that nice, Tony?

Yeah,
that's nice, Ma.

I'll see you
in a little while, honey.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Ma, you can't
clean today.

- Why not?
- Uh...

I got a business
meeting here.

- On Saturday?
-Yeah.

What's that sound?

I don't hear
any noise, Ma.

Sounds like somebody
mumbling a dinner menu.

Oh, that?
That's the super.

He's watching
soap operas.

He loves them.
He's always
watching them.

Doesn't sound like
any of my soaps.

Ma, this meeting's
important.

They're going to be
here any minute,

and I got
to get ready!

And I'm not important!

Of course you are, Ma!

I come all the way
into Manhattan,

take my life in my hands

to clean
my son's apartment,

and what do I get?

I'll tell you what I get.
I get a broken heart.

Ma!

You don't care
if my heart's broken.

You bum!

All right, clean.
Clean!

I can't clean now!
I'm too upset!

If you don't hear
from me in an hour,

it means I'm mugged!

- Ma.

- Jeez.

- Oh, jeez.
-Now I can't think
about that yet.

Let me see.
Oh, we need
a vegetable.

Chicken Parmesan

with bubbling
tomato sauce,

and for dessert,

Boston cream pie.

God, what's happened?

I can't hear.

I'm going deaf.

What's happening to me?!

Book:
Now that you've succeeded
in your first conquest--

But I didn't.

You didn't? Really?

Really.

Let's review
chapters one through five

-once again slowly.
- Okay, okay.

What a lucky
son of a bitch.

Miss Crenshaw,

could you come in here,
please?

Miss Crenshaw,
I have something for you.

- No.
- What?

No,
and that's final.

When you get us
a fancy hotel room,

maybe I'll
think about it,

and maybe I won't.

Oh, and about that thing
you called a raise,

keep it, you tightwad.

Come on, Ralph.
Don't your parents
ever go out?

Oh, Ralph, what are
we going to do?

Ralph.

Book:
Hunger and lust

are the two
most important elements

to man's
and woman's survival.

Often,
the female's appetite

must be satisfied
before she can become

that wildly lustful animal
you want her to be.

You can always tell
how sexual a woman will be

by the way she eats.

The heartier
her desires for food,

the more insatiable

her needs
for orgasmic fulfillment.

And from
the Hollywood Hotline

comes this
exclusive tidbit.

"Playhouse" magazine's
sizzling new serial

entitled
"The X-rated Adventures

of a 'New Jersey
Casanova,'" is creating

quite a stir
amongst the majors.

Closed bids
for the film rights
to the sexual saga

are at this very moment
being looked at

by "Playhouse" executives.

This reporter wonders
whether this material

might be a little too hot
for Tinseltown.

And who is
this New Jersey Casanova?

Is he for real?

And if he is
and he's watching,

I'm in the phone book.

That'll be 36.80.

Sounds like
that ought to make
some movie, huh?

Smut, nothing but smut.

Book:
All set?

- Think so.
-Good.

- Yeah.
-Now be sure to watch

for those telltale signs,

that sly smile,
the subtle compliments,

and that erotic giggle.

Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

-♪ You prey
- Okay.

♪ On any type of friend

♪ Could you fall for me
once again? ♪

How you doing,
Monica?

Ah, not so good today.

I'm really beat.

Sorry to hear that.

Why don't you
come on in?

Maybe I can
fix you up.

Yeah.

♪ You're closer
than you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's
in the clouds ♪

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's
here again ♪

Wonder what
he's up to.

-Pardon?
- Nothing.

♪ Don't you know that...

Can I take your fur?

Oh, no,
I don't think so.

It's a little chilly
in here.

I'll turn
the thermostat up.

That ought to heat you
right up.

Not over
72 degrees, please.

72 it is.

♪ And we'll send
that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

Oh, no support.

Bad for the back.

Well, I just bought this
the other day.

It's really
kind of nice.

You don't mind,
do you?

Not at all.

♪ That sense of magic's
here again... ♪

Champagne?

Oh, no, thank you.

Do you have ginger?

Yeah. Sure.

♪ Once again...

There you go.

Well, I guess
this glass will do.

Cheers.

♪ Now and then

♪ You're closer...

Monica, you look
beautiful tonight.

I know.

So, care to dance?

Eh, no, not really.

I'm not in the mood.

Well, we might
as well get right
to eating, then, huh?

- What do you say?

Monica:
If you want.

Are you sure I
can't take your fur?

Oh, I'm sure.

♪ Don't you know you got me
through it once before? ♪

♪ Just keep
that set of lips ♪

♪ Right here
in front of my eyes ♪

♪ We'll send
that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

♪ Don't you know that...

Oh, aren't you
going to join me?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Don't you know
you got me through it ♪

♪ Through it once before?

♪ Just keep
that set of lips ♪

Okay.

♪ Right here
in front of my eyes... ♪

Uses up
too much oxygen.

♪ To the sky.

Oh. Start right eating,
then, huh?

We'll start
with my specialty,

shrimp cocktail.

I make the sauce
from an old family recipe.

You're going to love it.

Oh, shrimp cocktail.

I can't, Tony.

It's just loaded
with cholesterol.

Sorry.

Guess I wasn't thinking.

Oh, that's okay.

Well, we'll move right on
to the salad, then, huh?

What kind of dressing
would you like?

I have spicy Italian,
blue cheese,

Thousand Island.

Nothing.
I'm on a diet.

Italian for me.

Nothing for Monica.

Oh.

That's...

endive.

And you don't eat endive.

I don't eat endive.

We'll move right
to the entree, then.

I'm sure you're
going to like this.

It's...

it's raw.

It's supposed to be.

It's steak tartare.

Maybe you got
a couple of hot dogs

and some ketchup?

Monica, may I
ask you something?

Sure. What is it?

Monica, you accept
an invitation from me

to come to my apartment
for dinner.

You walk
in here complaining
how tired you are.

You won't take off
your fur because
it's too chilly.

You don't want champagne.
You're not in the mood
to dance.

The appetizer's
oozing cholesterol.

You hate the salad.
The entree's too raw.

Then you ask--
then you ask me

for a couple
of hot dogs with ketchup.

What's the matter
with you, Monica?

Don't you like anything?!

Yes.

Well, what do you like?

Well...

...I like to...

W-What did you say?

You heard me.

No, I didn't.
What did you say?

Well,
there's only one
little problem.

What?
What's the problem?

I scream.

Tony:
That's all right.
I don't mind.

You don't mind what?

Oh, I'd like you
to kiss my neck...

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- ...right here.

Ooh.

Boy, now
two inches down.

Sure. Sure.

Oh. Oh.

And one inch over.

Yeah.

Oh. Ooh.

Now, can you
kiss my ear?

Oh, you bet.

Oh, yes.

Now kiss
my other ear.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

- Baby kisses.
- Baby, baby, baby.

Yes, yes.

Now I want you to--

I want you
to kiss it.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yes.

Now I want you

to kiss and lick
this one.

Yes, now I want
you to kiss

and lick this one.

Oh. Oh.

Yes. Oh.

Now I want you
to kiss it

and then lick it.

Kiss it again.

- No, baby kisses.
- Baby, baby.

Baby kisses. Oh!

Oh! Yes!

Oh! Hi.

I want it.

Yeah, I do too.

Yes.

Monica.

Oh, Tony!

Oh, I saw God.

Tony!

Yeah!

The New Jersey Casanova
had her where he wanted her.

- Yeah.

Her shrieks

filled the room
in orgasmic delight.

Oh, yes.

He sighed. She bellowed.

They sighed and bellowed
five times.

Oh! Oh!

And any mortal man
might have called it a day,

but not
the New Jersey Casanova.

- Hello.

Tony,
this is your mother.

Do you remember me?

I'm the one
who brought you
into this world.

Yeah, hi, Ma.
What do you want?

What do I want?

I want
my son's love.

You never call me
anymore.

Ma, I just called you
this morning.

- Tony, that was
a long time ago.

Tony, what is
that shrieking?

It's a wild animal show

about the mating habits
of the female bingo.

Bingo?

Tony, I'm worried
about you.

You're spending
too much time
by yourself.

- Yeah, you're right, Ma.
-I am?

What channel is
that animal show on?

It's a cassette, Ma.

I'll loan it
to you sometime.

Listen, I got to go.

I'll call you later,
all right? Bye.

Look at her.

Book:
Always be considerate

of your sexual partner.

It's your duty to help her
reach an orgasm too.

What about me, huh?

Oh, Tony.

Oh!

See you later, Mom.

Christina,
don't be late
for dinner.

I won't, Mom.

- Hi.
- Hi, hon.

Oh, Joe,
turn that.

Maggie Mason's
my favorite.

Hmm.

My Hollywood spy reports

that Mark Eubell,
famous low-budget

sexploitation film producer,
is the winner

in the "Playhouse"
New Jersey Casanova bidding war.

It is said he
is about to ink

a big deal with author
Donald Cromronic

to bring the now infamous
Casanova stories

to the big screen.

Asked if the movie
will carry an X,

Mr. Eubell said,
"They'll have to redefine X

when I'm through."

Who wants to watch
trash like that?

So what's for dinner?

Food.

Can I help you?

I think you're the one
that needs the help.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Anyway,
I'm quite capable

of handling it myself.
Thank you very much.

I only meant to...

♪ Won't you stay?

Oh, Tony, I'm sorry
if any champagne

splashed you
at the restaurant.

I love you so.
I'll do anything for you.

I dream of cooking
your meals,

of washing your clothes,

of carrying
your groceries,

of darning your socks.

I don't have holes
in my socks,

and I'm quite capable

of handling the rest
myself, thank you.

Oh, Tony, just one kiss.

Tony, Tony, please.

Very well,
if you insist.

You have reached
the residence

of Anthony
Cannelloni.

All lines are busy
at the moment.

Please leave your message
after the signal.

I love ya.

Hello. Hello.

Woman:
Hi, Anthony.

Remember me?

Yeah. How you doing?

Oh, fine.

A little lonely.

Wouldn't it be lovely

to take a long walk
on the beach tonight?

Sure.

There'll be
a full moon.

I could bring
a bottle of wine.

Chilled white wine.

Oh, and our toes
curling in the sand.

Yeah, that would be great.

I could bring
a blanket too.

Oh, we don't need
a blanket.

We'll have
the waves to caress
our naked bodies.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like that a lot.

Thank you, Anthony.

I feel much better now.

Have a nice evening.

- Oh, hey.

- Oh, don't hang up.

Damn.

The only thing I like

about your father
working late

is the fact that
I can have the TV set on
during dinner.

But, Ma,
he never works late.

So I'll enjoy it
this once.

He said something about
an out-of-town customer

or something--

oh!

Hey, hey, Ma,
that's my super.

Host:
Mr. Cromronic--

may I call you Donald?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Tell us, Donald,
are you

and the New Jersey
Casanova one
and the same?

- Come on.

Come on, Donald.
Everyone's dying
to know

if your
now famous
character

is fact or fiction.

Well, I'll never tell.

- Who cares?

Ma, the guy's
a celebrity!

I'll get it.

Hello.

Tony? Hi.
It's Christina.

Yeah, could you
do me a favor
and tell Mom

I'm not
going to be home
for dinner tonight?

Yeah, I'm going out
with Ralph.

Okay, thanks a lot,
big brother.

Coast is clear.
Come on.

Oh, Jesus. Drive on!

Now what's
the matter?

It's my daughter
and that schmuck Ralph.

- So?
- So they're headed
to the apartment.

Of all the nerve.

Asking me out

when I'm not even
getting paid.

I canceled
my nail appointment
for this?

Take me home,
please,

the same address
we just came from.

Who is this?

Who cares? I need
new characters anyway.

Man:
Mr. Smith,

this is Le Sex Shoppe.

Your order is ready
to pick up now.

- Hi. This is Sherry.

The only time I can
make it this month

is 9:00 tonight.

I'll see you then. Bye.

Damn. Ralph, it's 8:30.

We got to get out of here.

Tony's going to be back
any minute. Come on.

- But, Christina--
- Let's go, Ralph.
Come on.

Sorry, Ma.
Something's come up.

I'll call you
tomorrow.

Hah. Call me tomorrow.
That'll be the day.

Please leave your message
after the signal.

- I love ya.

This is Sherry again.

On second thought,
drop dead.

Book:
Don't feel guilty
about taking a day off.

Singles bars at night
are a zoo,

too much competition.

In the daytime, you'll have
your pick of the litter.

This isn't the time for
beating around the bush.

Use that direct approach.

Show 'em what
you're made of.

Hi. I'm Tony.

I was admiring you
from afar,

and I was wondering if...

maybe you might
like to come over
to my apartment

for a little
romantic rendezvous.

Bug off, creep.

Yeah, right.

Are you sure no one's
going to be here
this time?

Yeah! Tony's at work,
and Christina's at school.

Well, this is nicer
than a hotel, Joe.

Yeah.

And there's the bed.

- Yeah, the bed.

Book:
If the direct
approach doesn't work,

try the hurt
and innocent role.

Many women love
to play mother.

Excuse me.

Do you have
a handkerchief?

Sure.

What's the matter?

Did somebody die
or something?

No, it's worse than that.

Nobody loves me.

Oh, don't say that.

There's got to be
somebody in this
world who loves you.

Nobody.

Oh, you poor baby.

Why don't you buy
mama a piña colada

and tell her
all about it?

All right.

Bartender, two piñas.

You said he was
going to be busy
all night.

Shh. Quiet. Quiet.

Come on.

Here you go.
Here's that.

No. Go there.

Shh. Shh, shh.

Whoo!

Mm. Mm.

Ralph, a Murphy bed.

Murphy who?

Never mind, Ralph.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Ooh.

Oh, Ralph.

Alone at last,
privacy.

So I get off work early,

buy her
a dozen red roses,

her favorite perfume,

and a box
of chocolate-covered
cherries,

and she was--

Oh, go on, sugar.

Get it all out.

I come home
to our little love nest

to surprise her,

and she was there--

Go on. Go on.

She was showing off
her ankle bracelets

to two sailors.

Oh, poor baby.

I know just
what you need.

You need a woman
to take you home

and comfort you.

- Yeah, now.
- Oh, no, I can't.

I'm here
with my girlfriend.

Unless you don't
mind her joining us.

You mean a threesome?

No,
a ménage à trois.

Oh, all right.
Where is she?

Sheila. Sheila.

Come here.

Let's go.

Oh, Ralph,
those pecs.

Christina:
You're not only sexy,
but you got talent.

Oh, my God.
Ralph, grab our clothes.

Here. No.

No. Come on.

Go.

Hmm, not bad,
Sheila.

Think it'll do,
Sheila?

It'll do fine.

Yeah? Yeah, you like it?

Tony:
Ooh, check this out.

This is my great bar.

-I got everything.
- Great.

Great.
I didn't miss a thing.

All right, we got
time for that later.

-Let's get some...
- Okay.

Look at this.
Look at this.

Check this out.

This is my stereo system.

I put it in myself. See?

Got a little accent here.
You like that?

Yes, great.

Is Tony Cannelloni about?

No. He called in
sick today.

Sick?
Can I use your phone?

Use the one
on Tony's desk.

-I'll get it.

We don't want
any disturbances,
Tony, darling.

Hit it, Sheila.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Something wrong?

It was ringing nicely,

and then-- I don't know.

Thank you for letting me
use the phone.

Sure.

I think there's been
some mistake.

There's no mistake.

Uh...

hey, how 'bout
a drink? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is
positively kinky.

Taxi! Taxi!

Isn't he cute?

I love guys
that wear
bracelets.

M-my money's
in my wallet.

It's in my back pocket.

It's not your money
we're interested in.

It's not?

We're interested
in you.

Are you ready,
Sheila?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

I want to watch.

Oh, God, this is
the best stuff yet.

Ah, Hollywood, look out.

Here comes
Donald Cromronic.

Wild sex,
wild situations,

wild girls,
wild rice.

Everything is wild.

Let's get to work.

- Work on what?
- You.

Take these off me.

I don't want
to play your games
anymore.

You mean you dragged us
all the way out here
to tease us,

and now you don't want
to play anymore?

I wasn't teasing you.

Ooh. That makes me mad.

Watch this, Sheila.

No. No.

I hate when
that happens.

Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Boy, big brother
had me fooled.

The two ladies
in question...

...got a little
out of hand.

So you're going to be
uncooperative, huh?

Oh.

All for you.

Why, thank you.

Oh, so beautiful.

Bombs away.

Oh, no.

Sheila.

Ooh!

Such beautiful statues
I've never seen.

Aww.

Don't break that!

- One, two,
- One, two,

- three!
- three!

The cleaning bill.

My God, he's going
to wreck that apartment,

but who cares?

After all,
he's the New Jersey...

Casa...

nova.

Look at this.

That is beautiful.

What do you think?

After you.

Thank you.

Ooh.

Good job.

Darn, I forgot my key.

Tony:
Cut it out!

-But I'm playing.
- Super.

- Oops!

Good job.

- Hello?

Bombs away!

Ooh.

Tony!

Who are you?

I'm his mother.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, no. It's just fine.
- Oh!

There's really nothing
really happening.

- Who are you calling?
- The police.

No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am.

Hello, police!

What do you
want me to do?

We want you
to play gas station.

- Station?
- Yeah.

We play the cars,
and you play
the pump.

Like, you know,
you service us,

fill us up.

You want leaded
or unleaded?

He's a regular
comedian, Sheil.

Tony, Mommy's coming!

Now put the nozzle in.

And pump.

- What are you doing?!

- Give me that ax!

What, are you crazy?
Stop it!

All right,
buddy, freeze!

- Leave that lady alone.
- No--

- Hands up. Cuff him.
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
You don't
understand.

You don't under--

- Oh, my baby.
- Let me do it.

They're killing
my baby.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
You don't understand
what's going--

- my life! My story!
- Handle this!

Let me just explain
to you-- wait a minute.

Wait, Tony!

Hey, Rhonda,
we got company.

Oh, my God.

Hands up.

Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.

Dad!

Joseph?

Where the hell
is the fire?

Fire?!
Where's the fire?!

Christina!

Christina!

You can't! You can't!

They'll find out
who he is!

I won't
let you have him!

They'll never
know who he is!

Who is he?

Who is he?

He's the New Jersey
Casanova!

Me?

Oops.

The New Jersey
Casanova?

- Whoa. Wait. Wait.

Ma!

If you've reached
this last page

and still
don't have sex appeal,

don't despair.

You still have
several other options.

Like what?

Perhaps the priesthood
is more to your calling,

or maybe you should visit

your friendly
neighborhood gay bar.

Thanks a lot.

You have reached
the residence

of Anthony
Cannelloni.

All lines are busy
at the moment.

Woman:
Tony? Tony, you there?

Hi.

You sound blue.

Try dark black.

That bad, huh?

Sounds like you could
use some cheering up.

I don't think
that's possible.

Well, maybe I
could come over and--

Look, why don't
you just call
someone else?

I'm just
not in the mood

to be teased
anymore.

I'm not teasing, Tony.

You're not?

Uh-uh.
I'll be right over.

But--

Look at this place.

I'll never be able
to get it fixed up
in time.

Oh, what's the use?

She won't come anyway.

♪ Corinne, my love

Oh, Tony, please.

♪ Corinne, my love...

I'm sorry.
I was expecting
somebody else.

Me.

You mean you've
been the girl

on the phone all--

Shh.

♪ I'll be waiting

♪ Right behind you

♪ When I find you

♪ Won't you stay?

Book:
See? I told you so.

Patience. Patience.

Like I always say,

whenever I go--

♪ You prey
on any type of friend ♪

♪ Could you fall for me
once again? ♪

♪ I'd say the chance
is one to 10 ♪

♪ Your kisses
throw me now and then ♪

♪ You're closer
than you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's
here again ♪

♪ Don't you know

♪ That you're flying,
dear, once more? ♪

♪ Don't you know you got me
through it once before? ♪