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00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,307
ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.
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00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,527
How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?
3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,050
ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.
4
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,183
And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.
5
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,967
-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.
6
00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,493
[sighs] All right.
7
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,713
Little ones are in bed.
Big ones are reading.
8
00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,194
Time for the old ones to drink.
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00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:22,544
Bad news:
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00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:25,503
this is the last alcoholic
beverage in the entire house.
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00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,115
Are you sure?Because last time you said that,
12
00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,160
we still hadthat really old jar of peaches.
13
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,640
Do you think I'd be
drinking this beer
14
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:33,294
if we had
a really old jar of peaches?
15
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,948
Could you please just run out
and pick up more booze?
16
00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:37,950
No. I can't go back up there.
17
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,517
Uh-uh. I want to stay down here,
18
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,519
where it's safe
and life can't find me.
19
00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,217
Well, I'm not going.
20
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:44,957
Today was horrible.
21
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,960
I spent all day dreaming about
getting down here
22
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,919
-and shutting off my brain.
-Okay.
23
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,313
Let's play a little game.
24
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:55,185
Worst day gets to keep hiding
in the basement.
25
00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:58,145
Loser gets more beers.
26
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,450
[chuckles] Bring it.
27
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:01,365
Okay.
28
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:04,368
After work, I walked in on Irwinchanging for the gym.
29
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:06,762
I saw everything.
30
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,503
Still seeing it now.
31
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:10,157
[scoffs] That's nothing.
32
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,116
One of the burlesque dancersfrom the casino called in sick,
33
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,249
and since I'm covering
for everyone lately...
34
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,338
-You didn't.
-I wish.
35
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,731
I had to pick up her kid
from day care.
36
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,124
Okay.
37
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,300
-Point you.
-Home was more brutal.
38
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,128
No one could decide
what they wanted for dinner,
39
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,217
so I said it's Taco Tuesday
40
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:30,568
and then Nicole accused me
of cultural appropriation.
41
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:32,353
You think that's bad?
42
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,790
Up until right now,
I thought today was Friday.
43
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:35,834
Oof.
44
00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:41,057
What would these two think
if they heard us complaining?
45
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,754
Look at them.
46
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,192
So young. So happy.
47
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,281
-You know why they're so happy?-Huh?
48
00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:51,415
'Cause they get to be
in this basement all the time.
49
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,590
-How about this?
-Mm?
50
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,636
You finally hang up
this picture,
51
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,333
we split the beer.
52
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,641
Done.
53
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:03,427
Splitting rules apply,
you pour,
54
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,256
-I... Oh!
-Babe, are you okay?
55
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,518
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm-I'm fine.
56
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:10,826
But... I think
there's something in here.
57
00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:12,480
Can we drink it?
58
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:16,832
It looks like... black mold.
59
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:20,009
[gasps]
Oh, my God, we're rich!
60
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:23,969
No. No, no, no,
that-that's black gold.
61
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,754
This-this is poison.
62
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,277
Ugh.
63
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:28,626
We got to get out of here.
64
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:33,240
Oh, bring that beer!
65
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,546
Um...
66
00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,679
I think the black mold got it!
67
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,857
♪
68
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,649
Hey. Feet off the couch.
69
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,825
Hey, those apples
are for company.
70
00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:58,265
And whose sweater is this?
71
00:02:58,308 --> 00:02:59,570
I swear, if someone
doesn't tell me
72
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:02,312
-whose sweater this is...
-It's yours.
73
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,227
You said you were gonna
wear it today.
74
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:08,927
Oh, look at you,
knowing all the things I say.
75
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,364
Mom and Dad have been
in a bad mood
76
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,104
ever since they lost
the basement.
77
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:14,237
Because that's where
they would go to decompress.
78
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:17,109
Now that they don't havean outlet for their frustration,
79
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,851
they're taking it out on us.
80
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,462
And they're around all the time.
81
00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,290
I feel like a rat in a cage.
82
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:28,817
Now I know why all my rats
keep killing themselves.
83
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,254
Things will go back to normal
soon, okay?
84
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:33,952
-The basement's supposed to be
done by the end of the...
-Three more weeks?!
85
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:36,520
-That's what the mold guys said.-Well, then what the hell havethey been doing this whole time?
86
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,306
Don't ask me. You're the one whowanted to hire "professionals"
87
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,482
who were "thorough"
and "could work within
88
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,527
200 feet of a school."
89
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,529
When the cleaners are done
with the black mold,
90
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:49,141
I'm gonna have them come back
and remove the White Mike!
91
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,143
All right, it's bedtime.
Everyone in their pajamas.
92
00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,102
-They're in their pajamas!-Well, then put on more pajamas!
93
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,279
Three more weeks of that
94
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,456
and I might just start
taking candy from strangers.
95
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:01,502
I can't take it.
96
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,504
My baseline anxiety level
is already
97
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,071
defined medically as "yowza."
98
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,422
What are they even
so stressed about?
99
00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,293
Like parenting
and working their dumb jobs
100
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,208
-is so difficult.
-[Brian scoffs]
101
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:15,429
I know. Yeah,
"Oh, my life is so hard.
102
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:18,388
"I have to make a table and pourmy kid a glass of sink water
103
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,781
"while my genius son
finds the link
104
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:23,001
between a human genome
and a fruit fly."
105
00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:24,786
Oh, did you do that today?
106
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:28,355
No, I couldn't because Dadkept swatting my control group.
107
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,574
We have to do something
about this,
108
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,359
or else Mom and Dad
are gonna crack
109
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,143
and take us down with them.
110
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,581
KAY:
Could you walk any louder?!
111
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:40,454
We get it, you're in the house!
112
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:44,371
MIKE:
Hey, you married these feet!
113
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,115
They're coming!
114
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,335
[game show music plays]
115
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,816
NICOLE:
Good morning, contestants.
116
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,819
Welcome to We Love Our Parents,
117
00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:01,344
the game show where youget rewarded just for having us.
118
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,346
I'm your host...
119
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,695
I thought we said I'm the host.
120
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:07,219
We did until
you choked in rehearsal.
121
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,397
What is happening?
122
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,486
Congratulations, Mom and Dad.
123
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,444
You're already winners.
124
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:18,535
All you have to do is take
what's behind door number one!
125
00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,364
That's not how game shows work.
126
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:25,281
There should be questions...
or at least another door.
127
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,197
Uh, fine.
Okay, there's a second door.
128
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,198
Well, where is it?
129
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,939
I don't see one.
130
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,071
I don't know,
it's-it's a mystery door.
131
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,943
-Oh, that sounds good,
we'll take that one.
-Mm-hmm.
132
00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:37,249
No, j-j-just take
door number one.
133
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,208
Mystery door, final answer.
134
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,732
No whammies, no whammies,
no whammies. Stop!
135
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:44,431
BOTH:
Mystery door! [chuckling]
136
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,389
[chanting]: Mystery door!
Mystery door! Mystery door!
137
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,260
-Mystery door!
-Game's over!
138
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,653
Leila, just open the door.
139
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,308
Pack your bags!
140
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,831
Something else!
141
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,355
I can't remember!
142
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,619
What exactly is all this
143
00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,490
and why is Leila
dressed like a bellhop?
144
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,666
We got you a night away.
145
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,668
Nicole hacked the
computer system at your casino
146
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:06,278
and we booked you a free suite.
147
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,063
Sorry, you-you hacked
Mom's casino?
148
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,543
How could you do that...
149
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:12,633
and not choose somewhere better?
150
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,548
You both have seemed
a little frazzled lately,
151
00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:17,202
so we thought some time away
would be good for you.
152
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:19,466
I admit we have been
a little on edge,
153
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:22,425
but we are not leaving you
on your own overnight.
154
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,426
This is insulting.
155
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:24,645
We are not children.
156
00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:27,648
We are gifted preadults.
157
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,433
We are more than capable
of being on our own.
158
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,566
If I'm not qualified
to watch some kids,
159
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,481
then how come the girls
at school keep telling me
160
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:37,048
I give off "serious dad vibes"?
161
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,010
If you won't do it for you,
do it for us, okay?
162
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:44,578
You're our black mold.
163
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,320
But it's illegal
to exterminate you,
164
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,627
so just take the damn suite.
165
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,805
I mean, I guess we could use it.
166
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,807
This could be good for us.
167
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,592
We can recharge.
168
00:06:58,635 --> 00:06:59,636
Okay. All right, guys.
169
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,899
We will accept your prize.
170
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,901
-Thank you.
-[chuckles]
171
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,686
Just so we know, though,
172
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:09,385
um, what would have been
behind the mystery door?
173
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,388
A washcloth
soaked in chloroform.
174
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:17,393
You were waking up in that
hotel room one way or another.
175
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,705
So, we're headed out.
You all set with
176
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:27,272
-the babysitter instructions?
-Yeah, but how old are these?
177
00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:29,666
"Brian likes to fall asleep
to Clay Aiken songs.
178
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,190
And Nicole likes to sleep
to Ruben Studdard."
179
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,714
Uh, oh, right,
180
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,716
we haven't had a babysitter
in ten years
181
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,979
because they're all
scared of you.
182
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,068
Okay, updated rules.
183
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:42,549
Uh, for Leila,
in bed by 9:00, no candy.
184
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,551
And for Marc,
I don't know-- if he opens
185
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,291
a book covered in spiderwebs
and starts reading backwards,
186
00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,554
burn him.
187
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:48,990
W-W-Wait.
188
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,122
Why are these directed at Brian?
189
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,994
Brian is the oldest,
he's in charge.
190
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,561
Brian, watch out for coups.
191
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:57,389
Nicole, no coups.
192
00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,740
All right, uh, well,
if we come back tomorrow
193
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,742
and there's no caution tape
around the house,
194
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:04,658
maybe we'll trust you enough todo this again. [clears throat]
195
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,748
You know who's really in charge.You got this, right?
196
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,751
I'll just pee somewhere weird.
That should keep them busy.
197
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,143
That's my girl.
198
00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:15,103
-Bye, guys.
-Bye! See you later.
199
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:17,148
Resign with dignity
200
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,761
or your search history becomes
next year's Christmas card.
201
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:23,415
I look forward to serving you.
202
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:30,597
[gasps] Whoa, nice.
203
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,251
This is one of
our remodeled rooms.
204
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:35,819
All this stuff is brand-new...
205
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,691
which means something terrible
happened here.
206
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,607
Well, worked out for us.
207
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:41,608
This place is awesome.
208
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,392
I don't know
what to steal first.
209
00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:46,134
Nothing.
Everything has ink tags.
210
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:47,614
Remember when Rita's hair
was blue?
211
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:48,571
That wasn't a statement.
212
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:51,356
She tried to walk out
with an umbrella.
213
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,838
You know, the kids were right,this is exactly what we needed.
214
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,797
No stress, no responsibility.
215
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,147
-It's like
a basement in the sky.
-Yeah.
216
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,366
Yeah, I feel more relaxed
already.
217
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,238
I can't even hear
your feet up here.
218
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,282
I know!
219
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,762
And your voice totally isn't--
220
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:08,983
And I brought something
that's gonna make
221
00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:11,246
tonight even better...
[clears throat]
222
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:14,858
Bubble bath, because
I thought it was champagne.
223
00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:18,601
And... botched
celebrity lipo stories
224
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,472
for you to read
after I pass out.
225
00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:23,084
Aw. You know me.
226
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,521
Tonight has to last us
three weeks,
227
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,392
so we have to make
the most of it.
228
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:28,872
Well, I know of
a good place to start.
229
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:29,612
-Mm.
-[chuckles]
230
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,008
-Mm.
-[gasps] Damn it!
231
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,836
I left my purse in the kitchen.
232
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,620
Oh...
233
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:38,621
Role-play.
234
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,538
Well, you are in luck
235
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,888
'cause I'm a traveling
purse salesman.
236
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,978
-No.
-Oh.
237
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,893
I really left my purse
in the kitchen
238
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,678
and it has
my birth control in it.
239
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,767
-I-I should go
and get it, right?
-No, don't go home.
240
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:56,421
That's where the bad stuff is.
241
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:58,902
The kids will see you and
suck you into their nonsense.
242
00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:00,817
-You're right.
-Mm.
243
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,906
-We'll just use a condom.
-You know what,
244
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,822
-I'll just run home real fast
and get your purse.
-Wait, Mike!
245
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,911
-What about getting
sucked in by the kids?
-Won't happen.
246
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,044
-I'm very motivated
to get back here.
-Okay, just...
247
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,349
be careful leaving the casino.
248
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,438
I don't want someone to see youand know I'm here
249
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,092
or I'm gonna get dragged into
some work thing.
250
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,878
Don't worry, please.
I am great at sneaking.
251
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:20,228
You don't spend half of
high school alone in your room
252
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:23,666
pretending to be a ninja
and not pick up a few things.
253
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,147
-Maybe you should just...
-Yeah, I'm going.
254
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:31,718
-Mike?
-What?
255
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,894
Oh, Rita! Hey!
256
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,548
I didn't see you there.
How are you?
257
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,463
Well, Mike, my dream was
to sing on Broadway,
258
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,509
and instead I'm here babysittinga bunch of lonely drunks,
259
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:41,945
so I'm gonna say medium.
260
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,164
Ah.
261
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,601
-Where's Kay?
-I haven't seen her, so...
262
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,733
Then what are you doing here?
263
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,604
Uh...
264
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,085
Okay, um, you got me.
265
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,783
The truth is...
266
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:56,046
I'm having an affair.
[chuckles]
267
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,961
Sexual affair.
268
00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,398
And now I must go
do pleasure on her. Bye.
269
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,139
Mike!
[laughs]
270
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,185
Please, I've seen
a prostitute tell you
271
00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,708
she just wanted to be friends.
272
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:11,540
Okay, fine, uh,
t-the real truth is, um,
273
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,804
I'm a gambling addict. Yep.
274
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,371
-I got it bad.
-Hmm.
275
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,590
Hundred on 22 black.
276
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:21,419
16 red.
277
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:23,508
Oh... That's the stuff.
278
00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:25,554
[laughs]
Well, guess I can go now.
279
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,816
Bye, Rita.
280
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,906
DEALER:
And 22 black.
281
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,434
Well, the house is clean,
kids are bathed and in bed.
282
00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,393
The fact that Mom and Dadthought that we couldn't do this
283
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,655
is laughable.
284
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,744
Parenting is so easy.
285
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,528
I have to hand it to you.
286
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,313
Training Marc and Leila
to get drowsy
287
00:11:45,356 --> 00:11:49,970
whenever you ring that bell wasa stroke of Pavlovian genius.
288
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,102
Thank you. And while
we're giving out compliments,
289
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,888
I was impressed by the way
you handled mealtime.
290
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:57,760
I'd say my nutrition bricks
are a home run.
291
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,327
But that's a sports reference,
292
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,852
so I'm not sure
if I'm using it right.
293
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,985
Imagine how much better off
we would be
294
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,987
if we had us as parents.
295
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,903
It would've been an honor
to call you mother.
296
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:13,863
Okay, this conversation's
gone on one sentence too long.
297
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,822
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go upstairs
298
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:18,041
and practice beating
some polygraphs.
299
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,262
I am a golden god!
300
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:23,481
What is happening?
You said you put her to bed.
301
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:25,788
I did. I even told her
when the lights go out,
302
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,137
the floor turns to lava.
303
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:30,837
I can run on lava!
304
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,926
Wait a second,
what did you put in these?
305
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:35,667
Uh, egg whites for texture,
kola nuts for heart health,
306
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,235
a hint of gravyfor that little je ne sais quoi.
307
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:42,022
You used kola nuts?
Those have caffeine.
308
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:44,198
[piano playing Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony]
309
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,635
Great, now Marc's up!
310
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,898
You can't catch me!
311
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:50,291
Leila, go-go to bed!
312
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,293
-Yes, I can.
-[piano playing upbeat melody]
313
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:55,035
Marc, stop scoring my chase!
314
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:56,732
[groans]
315
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,908
[knocking on door]
316
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,476
That was fast.
317
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:04,653
-Did you...
-I knew it.
318
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:08,222
It's not me.
It's Alicia Silverstone.
319
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,006
Cut the crap.
I saw Mike downstairs.
320
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:12,879
Ugh, sorry,
I should've told you.
321
00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,837
We just really needed
a night away
322
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,013
and I didn't want to get draggedinto any work stuff.
323
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:20,103
I would never do that
to you. Kay.
324
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:21,626
You know what? I'm offended.
325
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,454
And the only way for you
to make it up to me
326
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,892
is for you to help me with thisone little quick work thing.
327
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,111
-Oh, come on.
-Look, the bosses are mad.
328
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:31,419
There's this guy at my table,
he's on this huge hot streak.
329
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,682
They need somebody to come in
and cool him off.
330
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,075
So why are you coming to me?
331
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,728
Well, you know
you're a cooler, right?
332
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:38,861
'Cause you got
those bad luck vibes.
333
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:42,343
That is ridiculous.
I don't have bad luck vibes.
334
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:44,084
Maybe you are
Alicia Silverstone,
335
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,913
'cause I am looking
at a Clueless bitch.
336
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,308
Trust me, I'm always right
about these kind of things.
337
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:54,094
Just like I'm right about Clem,the janitor?
338
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:57,097
Clem is not an Undercover Boss.
339
00:13:57,140 --> 00:14:01,144
Hand to God,
he is a CEO in a fake nose.
340
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,494
-All right.
Thanks for stopping by.
-Okay. All right, all right,
341
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,105
-all right, all right.
-Yeah.
342
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,889
Just come downstairs
for five minutes,
343
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,109
tell a few of your sad stories,cool this guy down
344
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,285
and you can come
right back up here
345
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:14,027
to the Honeymoon Murder Suite.
346
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:18,248
Fine, I will give you five
minutes of my bad luck vibes.
347
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:19,902
[Rita gasps]
348
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,948
Whoa, Kay.
349
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:26,169
Don't blow all
your bad luck up here.
350
00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:29,390
-Let's just go.
-[sighs] I'll get Clem
to clean it up.
351
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:33,176
He's just a regular janitor
after all!
352
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,569
KAY:
Who are you talking to?
353
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,832
RITA:
The cameras are
getting all of this.
354
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,835
I'm so sorry about
the room mix-up.
355
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,142
There was an issue
with our computers.
356
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,405
Your correct suite is ready.
357
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:52,935
Don't be scared, Leila.
We're just gonna wrap you up
358
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,197
-like a burrito.
-[hisses]
359
00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:56,025
-[grunts]
-Catch her!
360
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,287
You know the only thing
I've ever caught
361
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,159
-is viral meningitis.
-[groans]
362
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:02,640
Why don't you just put a stop
to whatever Marc is doing?
363
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,993
-[knocking on door]
-Who is that?
364
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,385
Uh, occupied!
365
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:11,171
That always scares me off.
366
00:15:11,214 --> 00:15:13,608
No, I called in reinforcements.
367
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,438
Hey, guys. Sorry,
I would've been here sooner,
368
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,962
but your neighbors saw me
come to the back door
369
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,964
and they called the cops.
370
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,663
We had a little talk, everybodylearned a little something.
371
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:28,536
The children are out of controlbecause someone
372
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:31,843
gave them 600 milligrams
of caffeine before bed.
373
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,236
Okay, don't pin this on me.
374
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,108
You're the one who triedto calm them down by turning on
375
00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:38,589
a Dateline special about
the Tristate Toddler Thief.
376
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:42,202
Yeah-- Keith Morrison's voice
is universally soothing!
377
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:46,249
I'm gonna live forever!
378
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:49,078
Why didn't you guys
just call your parents?
379
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,253
Because if they know about this,
380
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:51,646
they'll never trust us
alone again.
381
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,430
We're all flash and no action.
382
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:56,390
We're Elizabeth Holmes, and notin the way that we admire.
383
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,392
All right, I'll help.
384
00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:01,221
But maybe later down the road,
there's a new planet
385
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:06,487
or robot or eczema cream,
name it after me. All right?
386
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:09,055
Hey, kids, listen up!
387
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,447
Butts in bed now!
388
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:14,408
Dad voice.
389
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,410
You get it the third time
you step barefoot on a Lego.
390
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:20,675
I don't hear no eyes closing!
391
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,895
Now I'm going to get
some rest, too.
392
00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:27,029
-Alexa, turn off the lights.
-We don't have an Alexa.
393
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:30,076
Oh, right.
Brian, turn off the lights.
394
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:42,305
See? I don't walk loud.
395
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,741
[sneezes]
396
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,091
NICOLE:
What was that?
397
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,444
The chair's knocked over.
398
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:51,923
NICOLE:
Why is the door open?
399
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:55,449
The Tristate Toddler Thief
was last seen in Philadelphia.
400
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,322
BOTH:
Irwin!
401
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,107
What? What? What?
402
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,109
Someone was in the house.
403
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,415
Calm down.
Where's your baseball bat?
404
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:08,244
-I-I don't follow.
-Metal sports wand.
405
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,550
Basement.
406
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:15,077
-[clattering]
-IRWIN: Ow!
407
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:18,124
The black mold ate
through the stairs!
408
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,429
What is going on?
409
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,953
We got to go, now!
410
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,651
What about Irwin?
411
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,219
Forget Irwin. He's already dead.
412
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:27,742
[Irwin stammering]
413
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,875
Oh, God, I think
I just ate a spider.
414
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:33,095
So I'm on the date with him
and I say,
415
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,228
"Jeff, an online bookstore?
416
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,707
"With ideas like that,
you should quit business
417
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:39,362
and live in the Amazon."
418
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:42,235
Now I guess he's super rich
or something, I don't know.
419
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,237
RITA:
Blackjack.
420
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,369
-Again.
-[whispers]: Okay,
421
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,458
I am putting out
all the bad vibes I can.
422
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:49,894
It is not working.
423
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:51,766
I'm going back upstairs.
424
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:54,377
Wait, you can't leave yet.
Y-You're my good luck charm.
425
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:57,076
Come on, uh, I'll cut you in.
426
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,340
Okay. A few more hands.
427
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,037
But we got to be careful.
428
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,169
You win more
than ten grand here,
429
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,735
they frame you for cheating.
430
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,583
[singsongy]: Guess who's not
wearing a condom.
431
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,368
[chuckles]
432
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,152
[screaming]
433
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,502
-Whoa!
-Excuse me?
434
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,200
Oh, my God-- I'm sorr-- Sorry.
435
00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:36,419
Sorry. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.
436
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,291
Okay. Bye.
437
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,685
-Forgot my purse.
-[screams]
438
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,563
Ooh, 22. Bust.
439
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,001
Well, streak over.
440
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:55,177
There you go, as promised.
441
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:58,789
Ten bucks?
You won, like, eight grand.
442
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:02,619
I let him smell my hair
for good luck.
443
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:05,535
See what I mean? Bad luck vibes.
444
00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,885
I promise you, I did not know
that old lady
445
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:10,627
wasn't my wife until I crawled
into bed with her.
446
00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,107
Wait.
447
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,544
-He's with me.
-Oh.
448
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:18,418
Why don't you give me him,
and I'll give you this?
449
00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:20,420
-Yeah, okay.
-[chuckles]
450
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:21,812
What happened?
451
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,336
The casino must've
fixed Nicole's hack
452
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:24,815
because they gave our room away.
453
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,035
-Ugh. Figures.
-[sighs]
454
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,080
-So, you just want to...
-Give up and go home?
455
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,431
Yeah, that seems like
where the night's taken us.
456
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,261
Yeah, that's right, Clem.
457
00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:38,829
You just keep on cleaning.
[chuckles]
458
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,440
I hope you guys
are getting this.
459
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,181
This is gonna be
a great episode.
460
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:51,712
Okay, just trying to work up
the will to turn the key.
461
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,280
Nope, not there yet.
462
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,412
This is what it's come to.
463
00:19:56,456 --> 00:20:00,634
Hiding in our car
in the casino parking lot.
464
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:04,159
Actually,
it's-it's kind of nice.
465
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,814
-Reminds me of high school.
-[laughs]: Yeah.
466
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:09,425
Back then, the car was the onlyplace we had to ourselves.
467
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,514
-Well, that and the tree house.-Different guy.
468
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:15,126
The car was the only place
we had to ourselves.
469
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,172
You know, maybe this
is all we need.
470
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,480
Not a basement
or a-a fancy hotel room,
471
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:23,396
just a few moments in the dayto remind us we have each other.
472
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,616
Yeah. I mean, this is
the most relaxed I've felt
473
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,531
since we lost the basement
two months ago.
474
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,534
-That was Tuesday.
-Oh, my God.
475
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:36,104
Well, it's not
a fancy hotel suite
476
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:38,846
or some other guy's
tree house, but...
477
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,717
we do have some time.
478
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,198
Oh...
479
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,115
Let us in!
480
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:49,509
Oh, my...
481
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:51,206
[kids panting]
482
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,515
-What's going on?
-We ate food bricks,
483
00:20:55,558 --> 00:20:58,082
then we killed Irwinand we found you with our phone
484
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,128
and now it's tomorrow.
485
00:21:01,738 --> 00:21:04,959
Tonight was madness.
We don't know how you do it.
486
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:08,354
I'm crashing.
I need a Brian Brick now.
487
00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,356
We saw the Tristate
Toddler Thief.
488
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:14,534
It's me he wants.
We all know how young I look.
489
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,187
-Let's just... Yeah.
-Go home? Yeah.
490
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,189
[grunts]
491
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:23,238
Hmm. Why won't the car start?
492
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,283
I don't...
493
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:29,375
Because it's not our car.
494
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:30,985
-Let's go.
-Ooh.
495
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:41,909
Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.
496
00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,954
See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.
36678
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