All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s03e09_English

♪

[snoring]

Malarkey!

♪

[Cooper] And when asked

about the coronavirus
outbreak in China,

the president said,
"Never heard of her"

then used Mike Pompeo's tie
as a hankie.

In other news,
Senator Elizabeth Warren

continues to climb
in the polls,

securing her place as
an unassailable front runner

for the Democratic nomination.

And, Liz, from one popular kid
to another,

get ready for all your dreams
to come true.

Danielle from Milwaukee,
it's Elizabeth Warren.

I just want to thank you
for donating $5

and an undercooked
apple strudel.

We were actually hoping
you might be able

to scrape up a few more coins.

Oh you actually
need that money back?

And the pie? I am so sorry
that you got laid off.

[Biden] I'm still doing
way too well, huh!

As long you talk about "healing
the nation" or some crap

and don't mention that six
people have all the money,

Wall Street'll
paint you in gold

like James Bond's girlfriend.

You know that actress
was allergic to gold paint

and died?
No joke!

[cheers and applause]

Folks, you gotta donate
to Trump 2020.

A billion dollars might buy
an election,

but it's not enough
to pay my attorneys,

and I can't be president
if I'm in jail!

So take out a second mortgage,
steal from church,

let your wife spend one night
with her rich boss,

because my lawyer's lawyer needs
to make it look like he died.

-Trump! Trump! Trump!
-Whoo!

I don't need insulin this month!

Sir, good news and bad news.
The good news is

you've just been named Big Man
On Campus at Arizona State.

That's what this job's
all about.

And the bad news is your
campaign is less of a campaign

and more of a lawyer welfare
scheme that's hemorrhaging cash.

I can't help that my lawyers
bill me by the hour

and that I spend every
waking hour with my lawyers.

If we need funds,
there's an untapped gold mine

of billionaires
who own untapped gold mines.

But we have to go West,
to Silicon Valley.

Aah! That's not
a plan, Parscale.

It's suicide.

California hates my guts.

They refuse to meet me halfway
on ethnic cleansing.

But we have
no other options!

[Miller]
The President is right!

California is hell,
and I'd know.

Ugh.
Childhood trauma time.

I'm gonna dick around on
my phone until he cries funny.

The year was 2002.

I'd just started
Santa Monica High,

and I'd never felt more alone.

The kids called me names
like "Mr. Intolerant"

and "The Guy Reading
Mein Kampf."

The prom theme was
"your genitals, your choice,"

and our mascot was Norman Lear.

Make it stop! I'll get the money
anywhere else!

You can't make me go
to California, you hear me?

Never!
[sobbing]

I'm gonna give him
a head start

so he thinks we had
to try hard to catch up.

♪ serene instrumental
music playing ♪

I repeat,
everything I say at this lunch

is off the record.
Got it? Good. Want a Frito?

I'm good. You've been licking
your fingers this entire meal.

Bernie, do you think
it would be immoral

to take money
from shadowy Super PACs,

even if I really,
really need it?

[slurping, grunting]

Yeah, sure!
But Obama did it,

and it made him president.

Oh, Barack Obama,
the gold standard of men,

our lord and savior!
Baloney!

Is there no issue
you can be chill about?

One day, it's a couple bucks
from Wall Street.

The next, you're being wined
and dined by oil barons

over an opulent lunch
at Panera Bread.

You're right.
As a lifelong Democrat

of the last eight years,
I must stand by my principles.

[slurping]

Oh, suddenly
she's got principles.

[Donald Trump]
And because I wouldn't dare

step foot in California,

I need you buff heroes

to invest an extra $10 million

in the deep-fried, all-beef
bullet train that is Trump 2020.

What do you say, Sheldon Adelson
and Wayne LaPierre?

[indistinct growling,
screeching]

And I spent the last
of the NRA's money

buying a second private jet

so my first private jet
had another jet to talk to.

But I do everything you ask.
I say nothing about guns

and way too much
about Jewish people.

[indistinct growling,
screeching]

Please! I can only introduce
Giuliani to so many women

with huge melons
and smoker's lung

before he starts
to demand cash.

♪ tense instrumental
music playing ♪

Bernie's right. If I take money
from Wall Street,

I won't be able to look at
myself in the rearview mirror

I'm constantly judging
the drivers behind me in.

Good for you, honey.
As history's shown,

the most honorable candidate
always wins.

[Todd] Wowza, that's a spicy
fundraising total.

Just kidding, but really,
Bernie Sanders once again

broke his own quarterly
fundraising record.

Mama Mia, here he goes again?

Again, just kidding.
Sorry.

That's so unfair.

Bernie gets to sit on his high,
bedraggled horse

when he never even
has to worry about money.

Sure, he has money,
but is he happy?

Enough's enough. I'm not going
to lose this election

just to maintain
my hot husband's respect.

[beep, ringing]
Barack, it's Lizzy Warren.

We're going to Wall Street.

Sorry, I forgot
I have to go through

like six assistants
to talk to him.

[Donald Trump] [sighs] It looks
so beautiful from up above

when you can't see
the Mexicans.

[Reagan]
I can still make 'em out.

Ronald Reagan? You're my
favorite president, I'm told.

From one punch-line
fear monger

turned dementia-riddled
president to another,

California's
nothing to fear.

There are
just as many racists

and depraved wealthy elites
in that state.

How else would I have
gotten elected governor

and married ingenue
Nancy Reagan,

the sauciest little minx
this side of Laurel Canyon?

But my supporters can't see me
with Californians.

They have high standards.

Anything less than rolling
around like a demented pig,

and they'll leave me.

Just get in and get out
undetected,

which coincidentally is what
a certain pencil-skirted wildcat

used to yell in my face when
we snuck into a closet and--

La, la, la! Okay, okay.
Oh, boy.

Enough! I'll go to California.
Oh, that was really fun stuff.

♪ tense instrumental
music playing ♪

Stevie, thanks for coming
with us to California

even though you have a wife,
and if she looks

at literally any other man,
you're donezo.

Here's the plan -- We're going
to drop into Silicon Valley,

suck up their tech bucks,
and get out before they realize

we've clogged all 70 toilets
in their mega-mansion.

The fundraiser
will be attended

by these three men
of increasingly small genitalia.

Elon Musk.

Mark Zuckerberg.

And Jeff Bezos.

Knew it. Gentlemen,
make your peace with God.

The mission -- Operation Take
The Money From The Money People

And Then We'll Be The Ones
Who Have The Money.

We're crossing into
Silicon Valley airspace.

Brace yourselves!
There are In-N-Out worshipping,

Ayahuasca-slurping
pansexuals everywhere.

Give me strength, dear God
I only acknowledge on camera.

♪ tense instrumental
music playing ♪

Welcome to Hell.

[seagull cawing]

Thanks for introducing me to
your rich devil friends, Barack.

I just need a couple bucks
to get through

the all-important Kansas
and Guam primaries,

and then I'm out of the game.
Who's the mark?

Bloomberg. $52 billion.
Good guy.

Bloomberg?
But he's a Wall Street fat cat

who sprays his dirty money
all over Washington--

Oh, right,
that's why I'm here.

Just be calm and show them
you can blend in.

Alright,
you rich bastards!

It's your worst nightmare,
Elizabeth Frickin' Warren.

♪ tense music playing ♪

If this goes South,
tell everyone at Arizona State

I bled maroon and gold
until my final breath.

♪ tense music playing ♪

-Welcome!
-Welcome!

Quick, use Pompeo
as a human shield!

It's what
he would've wanted!

Now that you've Netflix
and chilled the "F" out,

we're TBH hyped to have you
at my Earth headquarters.

Really? I thought you guys
wanted to tie my limbs

to four Cybertrucks and floor
them in different directions.

We're not really
political.

In fact, some might say
we're dangerously apolitical.

We're more focused
on making the voters' will

as obsolete
as the floppy disk

or the employee
bathroom break.

We billionaires
have to stick together.

Scary times, bruh.

Bruh?

♪ dignified music playing ♪

Now that we swept up
all that glass,

Liz, you know Michael.

Yes, sorry,
it's just

billionaires make me
uncharacteristically shaky.

Then don't think of me
as a billionaire.

Think of me
as a loving father

to 52 billion
single dollar bills.

Sure, whatever. Look, I know
we're technically opponents,

but I'm looking to raise--
Say no more, Elizabeth.

If I can't win this race,
the least I can do

is use my money
to turn you into me.

How much do you need?

Just enough to rent
a campaign bus for Kansas.

Oh, and maybe a driver

so I don't have to rehearse
my speeches while navigating.

Don't be silly. You're taking
my private jet for the weekend.

Now, while you're
feeling generous,

it's called Obama-flix Plus,

premium content
for a discerning audience.

"If you can dream it,
you can stream it."

For the last time, Barack,
it's a pass.

So I guess you don't like money.
Okay, got it.

♪ hip-hop music plays ♪

Let's get the donations
and scram.

The sealant I had my wife
put on her eyelids

so she doesn't see other men
only lasts so long.

Not sure if you've noticed,

but I'm not in the
"other people's concerns" game.

Who knew we had so much
in common?

Hey, do you also sidestep labor
laws to increase profit margins?

Totally yeet.
Have you also called

a diver rescuing a soccer team
of little boys a pedophile?

No, but I tweeted that
Jane Goodall was a pedophile

after she passive-aggressively
praised democracy

in a UN Speech.

[laughter]

Gucci. Hey, FYPS,

you might wanna check
your super PAC's Venmo.

$14 million?

So you can run those ads

of Ilhan Omar
giving her normal speeches

but with scary music underneath.
[imitates scary music]

Oh! Maybe we can make an app
to help you solicit donations.

Friends help each other,
according to my friend data.

Miller, you know that secret
friendship song we always sing?

Teach it to them,
and then forget it.

[cheers and applause]

I was just in Guam earlier
today, but now I'm here --

totally rested and refreshed,
without the stress

of going through
regular airport security.

-Warren! Warren! Warren!
-Warren! Warren! Warren!

I'm usually famished post-rally,
but on the private plane,

the flight attendant
just read my body language

and brought me
scrambled eggs.

At this rate, I might lose
my stress-induced facial ticks

and actually
win this thing.

I don't know, honey. Isn't it
wrong to take big money?

But think of all the good
I'll do as president.

My plans are so solid,

Senator McConnell
will have to get onboard.

You're right.
That man is powerless

before a well-reasoned
argument.

[beep]
Bloomberg, baby doll,

Lizzy's open for business.

I've been spending time

with everyday,
hard-working Americans,

like farmers
and other simpletons.

But you know who else
works hard?

Hedge fund managers
and high-frequency traders.

So I say we raise up the 99%

while making sure
the 1% feels included.

Because 99 plus 1 equals 100.

[cheers and applause]

[crowd] [chanting]
We want Trump! We want Trump!

[female narrator]
Facebook, Google, Twitter,

and now...GRIFTYR.

Here to welcome you aboard
this movement,

creator and chief-
technology-officer, Don Trump.

[cheers and applause]

A couple of days ago,
someone came up to me and said,

"Don, I wish there was
a convenient way

to support your legal defense
fund, an app, something."

That night, I was tinkering
in my garage,

with the old IBM
my daddy and I built together,

when it came to me -- GRIFTYR.

[female narrator] GRIFTYR is
the convenient new app

that allows users
to conveniently donate

to Don Trump's legal defense
fund conveniently.

With a $30 million

Silicon Valley venture capital
cash infusion,

GRIFTYR cannot fail.

Thank you, thank you.
Together, we will change

the amount of money
in my bank account.

[cheers and applause]

♪ cheerful music playing ♪

[Donald Trump] Thanks for
letting me borrow these clothes.

I've never worn denim.
It's almost as comfortable

as my usual huge, floppy
businessman's gown.

Hella good news,
Mr. Trump,

GRIFTYR was downloaded 5
million times in the first day.

And because
none of the users

even looked at the terms
and conditions,

we are legally
their next-of-kin.

[sarcastically]
Clap! Clap! Clap!

Nice presentation, Donald!

I can't believe
you'd rather hang out

with the richest men
in the world than me,

a 34-year-old
in an ageless goblin's body.

What next -- you gonna start
anally absorbing nutrient paste?

Guys, he still absorbs
his nutrient paste orally.

[laughter]
Savage.

Let's go, cool friends.
Yes, let's continue

to experience each other
socially somewhere else.

♪ relaxed jazz music playing ♪

[Warren] I'm hoping you two
can finally bury the hatchet.

You've sat across from
each other for 20 minutes,

and you haven't
said a word.

You're both independents --
You can talk about that!

You know, Bernie, if I roll
around in my sleep enough,

my shirt also gets untucked.

I take it back -- This is
not worth the free jambalaya.

I know he'll never replace
a small dollar donor,

but he can take care
of my campaign,

and yours, too,
if you'll let him.

What do you say, champ?

He cares about the environment,
about gun control--

He cares
about Wall Street!!

I am pouring my soup
in my pockets

and leaving
with my dignity.

♪ relaxed electronic
music playing ♪

Silicon Valley
is so great,

I'm thinking
of buying some land

and moving my latest wife
and TVs out here.

Actually, it might be time
you make like

a warehouse-employee-
on-an-18-hour-shift's bowels

and evacuate.
We have to get going

to a global tech conference

for the world's
biggest billionaires.

You mind leaving
wearing an Ariana Grande mask

so Grimes can get
really jealous?

But then
no one will see my face

and know that
we're best friends.

-Ooh.
-Ohh, wow. Such cringe.

You didn't know
what this was.

Okay, we all put a lot into
appearing like liberal heroes

while secretly
puppeteering democracy.

Just because we believe
the same things

doesn't mean
we can hang out.

[laughter]

[fake laugh]
Right. Totally.

I just thought
you were obsessed with me

because you gave me
all those donations.

Oh, that? That's just the amount
of money we collectively make

from now to...now.

For sure. Yeah, no, no.

I don't want to be seen
with you, either. Gross.

Glad we're
on the same page.

Definitely
on the same page

because I find you guys
embarrassing.

Yep, same here.
Cool.

So I guess
I'll not go hang out

with the richest and most
powerful people in history.

Sounds good.
So I'm just gonna go ahead

and put this on...
and off you go.

Amazon Prime back to
your cute, little White House.

Hey, hey!
If you're so perfect,

why didn't you remember
to line your pockets

with heat-resistant
plastic?

Uh, duh, because single-use
plastics are the devil's milk!

And I'd rather
burn my upper thigh

than be some kind
of electable capitalist.

How dare you call me
"electable."

You know my plans are just
as pie-in-the-sky as yours.

My plans have zero chance
of getting through Congress,

and you know it!
We are through!

If you'll excuse me,
I have to find my campaign bus,

which is just an old Volvo

with the windows
duct-taped shut.

♪ suspenseful instrumental
music playing ♪

[Donald Trump] I smell stuffed
crust, so Pompeo must be nearby.

This place sucks.
Let's get out of here.

Oh, did your best friends
run out on you?

Well, maybe you can launch
a new app called...RUNOUTRR,

for presidents
who have been run out upon!

If you must know,
they did run out on me.

Maybe you should launch
an app called Miller-r

for predicting when
presidents get run out upon.

You still have me, sir.
Jesus, Pompeo,

your breath smells
like boiled sauerkraut.

Let's just go back
to Washington and forget

that your only friends now
are Russian spies

with discount hair plugs.

I'm going back
to Washington.

As punishment for not
protecting me from my feelings,

you're staying
in this sun-kissed hellhole.

You can't leave me here.

This is where
my loving parents live!

It's not fair!

I never said it was fair.

I said it was
California.

What does that
even mean?

Not sure.
Sounded right.

♪

With the help of GRIFTYR,
we now have enough cash

to keep you out of prison

and forever imprisoned
in the White House.

Not Silicon Valley cool,

but I guess there's something
to being president.

President is the most
powerful position on earth.

No, it's not, Parscale!

You're thinking
of tech billionaires.

They wear sunglasses.

They live in California.

Heard of it?
Yes, I've heard of California.

I'll go back to my president job
which devil freak here says

is "the most important job
in the world."

"Look at me -- I'm starting
a nuclear holocaust,

like a government cog
in the freaking machine."

Who gives a shit?!

♪ sad music playing ♪

[catty] Actually,
I'm embarrassed by you guys.

Don't blow up all that money,
Mister Trump.

Those billionaires
are kidding themselves.

They may praise social
responsibility, but deep down,

they're money-hoarding
capitalists like you and me.

Then why are they
so embarrassed by me?

I could get any chick
at Arizona State.

Because it makes them
feel good

to fancy themselves
as beyond you.

That's why you need
to expose them for who they are.

But what if everyone
laughs at me?

Everyone laughed at me
when I said

we should give money and weapons
to Osama Bin Laden,

but my nurses hid the newspapers
and assured me I was right.

I'm starting to realize why,

of Nancy's thousands
of boyfriends, she chose you.

Speaking of, direct that missile
to Clark Gable's estate.

I caught him flirting
with the missus.

[Obama] The whole point is,
O-Flix-P is not for everyone,

and that's what
makes it special.

Something wrong, Lizzy?

You've barely touched
your $800 salmon lump.

I thought I'd always
do the right thing,

but now I'm not so sure,
and I'm usually pretty vocal

about how sure I am
about things.

Just remember, it's what you do
in the brief window

before being corrupted
by wealth, power,

and the allure of
premium-content media moguldom

that matters.
Thanks, Barack,

and Obama-flix Plus
sounds like a great idea.

Uh, yeah.
Of fucking course it does.

[cellphone chimes]
Bloomberg says

to get to his place
right away.

I think it might be
a buy this time.

Eeeeeee.

[doorbell rings]
[Miller] I said get back,

you compassion-ists!
Off my parents' gorgeous lawn--

Oh. Hello, Don.
Don's dead.

Miller, I'm sorry I chose
the billionaires over you.

I realize that, while they are
cooler than you in every way,

you're probably
more racist.

And that's
what really matters.

[Miller's dad] Stevie!
Invite in your friend.

Shut the hell up, Dad!
Will do, sweetie!

Do you see what
you've left me with?

They've been shoving ice water
and warm blankets

in my face all week.

Stick with me,
and you will never be welcome

in your parents'
home again.

Dad and Mother, stop reheating
the chicken piccata

I threw at the wall
last night.

My real dad
is taking me home.

Thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Miller!

Sorry,
my natural excretions

left an oil slick
in your pool.

[thunder crashes]
Quite a turn out for...

what is this, exactly?

We've all been very proud
of your progress, Elizabeth.

There's just one more small
sacrifice we need from you.

A 2% wealth tax
is a starting offer.

We all know it's going to end up
at 0.75%.

It will end at zero, or I burn
this country to the ground.

Also, we're ever so slightly
more worried

about Bernie's campaign

to install a dystopian
socialist state.

Luckily, we're spreading
a scintillating rumor

that Bernie performed
a bawdy folk music set

at Prince Andrew's birthday
party on Epstein's island.

That's insane -- No one
would ever believe that.

Get to the part where you go
all-in on Obama-Flix-Plus!

Ugh. They'll believe it
if you hold a press conference

outside his rally tonight
saying it's true.

And this shocking,
aorta-bursting rumor

will get you elected president
by killing--

Bernie?
...Bernie's campaign, silly.

Your private jet is idling
on Fifth Avenue.

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

[Donald Trump]
How are we going to get past

Worldcon Tech Leadercon
security?

I know how to communicate
with these people.

I spent two days seething
behind Elon Musk,

and I gathered his speech
patterns from observance.

TBH, the tea slaps
and is looking like a snarcc.

It must be lit in there,
my VSCO girls and e-boys.

This whole me going inside thing
is a mood.

Deadass. You kings
are going off right now

and looking
so fleekly epic.

So wrong answers only,
who is screaming right now

and you simply
love to see it?

What?
Wait, you're Stephen Miller,

and I have a conscience.

Let's kick his ass.
Yeah!

Run, sir!

[men grunting]

Yeah! This is where

my Joker tale begins!
[cackles]

And that's when we realized
we could colonize other planets.

[crowd] Oooooh.
It's just from movies,

you unoriginal bastards!

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

And if you divide 1% by 1%

and multiply that by 1%...

If you just do
what Bloomberg asks,

you'll get elected
president,

and then you can do
so much good.

I just hoped
I could change things.

Hope and change?
Where do I know that from?

Is that the name of
a Jane Seymour Quibi vehicle?

[gasps]

Don't you get it,
you beautiful doof?

I'm still you in 2008 --
naive, in over my head,

and running
an inspiring campaign.

I can't be like you in 2020 --
wise and realistic.

The numerator --
You following along? --

Stop this rally!
[crowd booing]

Elizabeth, what are you
doing here?

Come to throw fancy
weighted credit cards at me

like ninja stars?

-Warren, you sellout!
-Boo!

Listen! When Wall Street
asked me to use a lie

so vicious it would destroy
Bernie's campaign --

and maybe even his heart --
I thought to myself,

"This isn't why
I got into politics."

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
What was that about my heart?

Just a sec. I realized

being corrupted by secret money
is a choice,

and it's up to people who have
a shred of integrity to--

[man] Wait, you were going
to try and kill Bernie Sanders?

That's not the point
of the story.

The point is, money is power--

We should
call the police.

And we will.
Just let me say this one thing.

The only way Democrats
will win the White House

is by sticking to our guns

and refusing
to take Wall Street money

until the general election!

♪ inspiring instrumental
music playing ♪

[applause]

She's no Danny DeVito,
but she's my friend.

It's great
to have you back, Liz.

Yeah, hi, 911?
This twitchy lady

just tried to kill
Bernie Sanders.

♪ inspiring instrumental
music playing ♪

Mr. President, who all of us are
just meeting for the first time,

what are you doing here?
We didn't just meet.

We hung out for days.
You funded my campaign.

You even said
I was the most jacked specimen

you'd ever seen complete
four flips on a BMX bike.

Uh-huh.
I can't even.

You shouldn't be ashamed of me
because you are me --

friggin' in love with money.
The only difference is

I don't try to convince
the world otherwise

by throwing even a dime
to charity.

Heezy's right.

My name is Elon Musk.
I'm a billionaire.

My name is Jeff Bezos.
I'm a billionaire.

My name is Mark Zuckerberg.
I'm a billionaire.

My name is Donald Trump,
and don't look into it,

but I'm a billionaire.

Billionaires around
the world unite!

♪ We are billionaires ♪

♪ The 0.01% ♪

♪ No more hiding
in the shadows ♪

♪ Of our shadow governments ♪

♪ While our politics
are different ♪

♪ Our off-shore bank accounts
are the same ♪

♪ So let's treat
the world economy ♪

♪ The world economy ♪
♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪

♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪

♪ We are billionaires ♪
♪ Billionaires ♪

♪ The great-grandchildren
of billionaires ♪

♪ Let's stand proud
and try our best ♪

♪ To lower
the minimum wage ♪

[cheers and applause]

Wow, is there anything
we can't do?

Hey, who's gonna stop us?

See you guys in our garish
bunkers at the end of the world.

I'll bring the colon paste.

Actually, I'll be on Mars.

But...cool.

[Bernie]
Pass the Fritos, Liz!

You got it, Bernie.

I'm so glad to be away
from Bloomberg's sky palace

and back in this drafty office
where I belong.

I'm sorry my supporters
chased you through the streets.

Nice guys, but
a little intense.

Yeah, my small-dollar donors
aren't too bad, either.

I will say, though,
Bloomberg made

some pretty
persuasive arguments

for gutting
Medicare For All.

[slurping]

Good luck with that.

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!