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[punchy upbeat music]
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[upbeat music]
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Time now for the results of
our Own Goal of the Month
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00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,920
competition, and there's a clear winner.
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00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,800
Let's have a look at at
Sam Allardyce in action.
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There's no stopping Big Sam,
he's already hit the bar twice.
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[belches]
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And, he's dribbling nicely.
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Sorry, I didn't quite catch that,
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could you speak more
clearly into these flowers?
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[Newscaster] Oh, what
a dummy, just look at
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all that space between his ears.
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Oh, he's left himself wide open there.
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Will his defense hold up?
He's clearly crossed the line.
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Oh, he shot himself right in the foot.
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00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,640
So, congratulations to
Big Sam and the runner up
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for Own Goal of the Month,
is FA for appointing
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,200
him in the first place, good night.
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I tell you, it wasn't working
properly at the last debate.
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It's better be goddamned
working for the next one.
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Well, let's just test it Mister Trump.
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Say something into the mic and we'll see
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if it's working now.
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Testing, testing Hillary
is a man and she was
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brought up in Russia by communist wolves.
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Nope, your brain is still not working.
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Mexican's stole the moon
and towed it to China
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to cause global warming.
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How the hell is he still
neck and neck in the polls?
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Google baboons and
cheese, just saying folks.
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[inhales]
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I'm so tired after that
holiday, I need a holiday.
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Yeah, me too.
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Did you pack these bags yourself?
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[laughs]
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-As if.
-Here, shove these
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in your nappy, sis.
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They never check the babies.
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Goo, goo, ga, ga.
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All right, have a nice, but dull flight.
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Oy, don't forget your teddy, Charlotte.
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[growls]
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You can't take that on the plane.
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What, you're gonna take
away a little baby's
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-cuddly toy?
-[thuds]
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-[cries]
-Oh look,
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you made her cry.
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George, what is going on?
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This is just a souvenir.
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What's wrong with a tea towel?
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Only 9.99, available exclusively
from Middleton's Party tat.
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Listen duchess, I'll level with you.
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Got a little bit of trouble back home
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with a couple of tasty lads with pitbulls.
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They'll soon change their
tune when they see me
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with a bloody great bear on a chain.
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Well, I suppose we did
say we'd get them a pet.
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00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,760
Get in, and anyway if it doesn't work out
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00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,880
I'll flog it to the royal guards for hats.
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[growls]
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Oh, keep your hair on
Ted, I'm only joking.
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Oy, oy, say oy.
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[growls]
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[Narrator] It's day one
in the FA search for
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the new England manager.
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I'd be perfect of the job.
I'm honest, I'm infallible.
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And, if England is ever going
to win the World Cup again
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you're going to need a miracle, mamma mia.
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[mellow music]
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Whoa, crikey Phil what is going on with
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that thing on your head?
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I don't know Danny Dyer,
it's been getting bigger
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and bigger so I popped down
to the clinic and you're
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not going to believe this.
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-What?
-I'm going to be a dad.
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00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,640
-You what?
-Check this out.
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-[pops]
-Blimey.
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Talk about a chip off the old block.
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Do you know what it is yet?
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-A Jersey royal.
-Oh, bless.
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Well, aren't we going
to wet the baby's head?
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Oh yeah, sorry Phil.
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Hit ya's.
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I'm not surprised Big Sam came a cropper.
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If you put a money grubbing
white boy in charge
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of a team of egotistical
losers you know it's gonna
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end with someone saying, "You're fired."
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[punchy upbeat music]
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10 celebrities are washed up on an island,
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sorry 10 washed up
celebrities are on an island.
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00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,280
I've never heard of you.
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00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,560
Well, I've never heard of you.
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00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,880
Well, I've never heard of me.
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00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,880
Over the next few weeks
they must find the headlines
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they need for their careers to survive.
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I'm Bear Grylls, all
around tough guy and this,
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00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,400
oy bring that back.
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And this is Publicity Island.
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-[squeaks]
-[dramatic music]
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Their first challenge is
to find a source of water
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so they can have a shower
with their tops off.
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Next, they need to build
a shelter so they can go
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00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,440
and have sex in it.
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I really fancy you, girl from
telly slash Made in Chelsea.
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I like you too bloke who
was in that thing once.
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Then, with virtually no
Twitter followers left
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one of the group gives
up and radios for help.
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00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,800
Sir, your table is ready.
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Oh great, be with you in a minute.
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Must have publicity.
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[radio crackles]
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Send the safety team, I'm quitting early.
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That should get me some
media coverage. Woohoo.
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Get enough publicity and these celebrities
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could one day find
themselves in the jungle
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with Ant and Deck eating
an alligator penis,
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like this one.
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-Mm, delicious.
-That's just
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-a sausage, sir.
-Shh.
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[bell tolls]
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[Man] I thought you were doing it.
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What, I'm too busy. I'm
minister for Brexit.
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Make that minister for cock-ups.
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That's your department.
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-Minions.
-[gasps]
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I ordered you to organize a
surprise birthday party for me.
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Ah yes, well gosh about that.
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We couldn't decide what you meant when you
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told us to organize your birthday party.
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Birthday party means birthday party.
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-Which means?
-I should have known
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not to put you idiots
in charge of anything.
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You couldn't organize
a piss up in a brewery.
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00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,600
Now, that's a bit harsh.
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It's not our fault the brewery went bust.
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Well, it is a bit.
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The good news is we
have agreed a framework
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that will ensure your 60th
birthday party definitely
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-takes place before 2019.
-Probably.
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00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,560
-Possibly.
-Maybe.
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-Minions!
-But, we did get you a cake.
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Close your eyes and make a wish.
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That's pretty much my strategy for Brexit.
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[blows]
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Oh, you're all still here.
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[groans]
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[dramatic music]
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♪ Started baking at the BBC ♪
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♪ Now I've left it for a bigger fee ♪
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-♪ I want money ♪
-♪ That's what he wants ♪
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-♪ Channel four money ♪
-♪ That's what he wants ♪
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♪ It's good bye to the other three ♪
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♪ So much for any loyalty ♪
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-♪ Just give me money ♪
-♪That's what he wants ♪
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Oh look, they even named
this place after me.
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Uh, they so didn't.
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[grunts]
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Don't you just hate
massive Hollywood egos.
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[phone rings]
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[Woman On Phone] James,
I've got her majesty
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the queen on the line.
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Tell her to hold.
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Kanye is always saying to me that I've got
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a lot in common with Sam Allardyce.
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The start of my career is
just like the end of his,
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a massive ass famously caught on camera.
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[laughs]
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Oh, thank heavens, the
baby's finally gone to sleep.
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Let's get some shut eye while we can.
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Wake her up, wake her up.
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-Hello mother.
-[cries]
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Stop bellyaching and start playing
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you wee bag of shite.
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How are you going to wear more grand slams
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00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,480
than your underachieving
father if you're not
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practicing your tennis 24 hours a day
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seven days a week including Christmas?
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00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:10,560
But Mom, she's just baby.
She needs her sleep.
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Oh, do you think the
Federer twins are taking
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00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,800
time off to sleep?
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00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,400
-Hell no.
-Not even for an hour?
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I let Jaime have an hour
of sleep when he was
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00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,920
that age and look what happened to him.
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Only a doubles champion, ack the shame.
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[thuds]
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Useless child, you're
no grand slam material.
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I'm finished with yous.
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At least now we can get some sleep.
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Sleep, no way you're going
to make me another one.
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New balls, please.
191
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,880
[Narrator] Coming soon
from Desperate Franchise
192
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,840
Productions, Four Weddings
and a Funeral, the Reboot.
193
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,480
[knocks on door]
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00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,720
-Starring Cheryl Tweedy.
-[thuds]
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00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,200
-Cheryl Cole.
-[thuds]
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00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,400
-Cheryl Ferdnandez.
-[thuds]
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00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,760
Cheryl, just Cheryl.
198
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,600
-Hello.
-Hi, you're soaking.
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00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,000
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
200
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,200
This is like a summer's day for a jody.
201
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,080
Anyway, I proper loves you
and that, will you marry us?
202
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,480
But, I don't even know who you are.
203
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,280
That doesn't matter, I've
got a really good feeling
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00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,040
about this, we should
definitely tie the knot.
205
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,440
We're met to be together, look.
206
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,120
Ah, I think you want next
door, this is number 21.
207
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,440
[sighs]
208
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,480
[Narrator] Also coming soon,
Notting Hill, the Reboot.
209
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,000
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy
210
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asking him to rush into
a car crash relationship
211
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,120
and end up on the cover
of Closer Magazine.
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00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,760
Oh please look, I'm sorry I stopped you.
213
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,080
Please, just let me go.
214
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,120
[sighs]
215
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,480
[Narrator] New BBC cookery
show pilot, check one.
216
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,320
Welcome to the great
United Kingdom Cake-off.
217
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,720
Oh, sounds a bit like Bake-off.
218
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,920
-Shh, naughty.
-[laughs]
219
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,880
BBC's completely new
and 100% original shows.
220
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,280
Set in the famous Cake-off marquee.
221
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,200
Yes, not a tent at all.
222
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,320
Let's bring in our cookery
expert, Mary Berry.
223
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,520
Hurry up Mary, if we get
this out quickly enough
224
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,480
Channel Four's show will be sunk.
225
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,000
Like a bad souffle.
226
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,200
But, I can't help feeling
someone's missing.
227
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,080
Don't worry, Mary, we've found the perfect
228
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,200
replacement for Paul.
229
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,880
The Tessbot 2000.
230
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:22,080
Keep baking, keep baking, keep baking.
231
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,160
Well, she's much more
articulate than he was,
232
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,320
but is she any good in the kitchen?
233
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,760
-You betcha.
-Thanks to
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00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,400
this new attachment.
235
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,840
Keep whisking, keep
whisking, soggy bottom.
236
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,880
[mellow music]
237
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:39,080
I won't be reapplying for
the job as I must confess
238
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,880
I am not without sin myself.
239
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,320
I once found a sixpence
on the dressing room floor
240
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,680
and I'm ashamed to say I
pocketed it and treated myself
241
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,200
to some mint imperials.
242
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,960
Luckily, the story never got out.
243
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,160
Look lively, May, our
new program starts soon.
244
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,160
It's not on until November.
245
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,520
I know, but it will take
us at least until then
246
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,360
to work out how to find
this bloody Amazon channel.
247
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,560
I think you need one of these.
248
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,360
What the hell is that?
249
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,600
It says to plug it into your HDMI port.
250
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,320
What in God's trousers is one of those.
251
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,200
I don't know.
252
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,160
We're having IT issues, we
need a child. Where's Hammond?
253
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,040
It says here you need
the code for your wifi.
254
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,600
Wifi, there's no such word.
255
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,520
For the internet connection.
256
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,160
You can't watch telly on the internet.
257
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,040
I know how to sort this, bosch.
258
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,960
Just work damn, you, bosch.
259
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,280
Oh no, now we'll never see it.
260
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:40,920
Hang on, old gits arguing
and massive explosions.
261
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,240
This is pretty much what
262
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,160
-episode one was anyway.
-Nice.
263
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,360
[dramatic music]
264
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,200
Wow, Coronation Street,
I like can't believe
265
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,960
that you're still going.
266
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,320
I can't believe you
are. Fancy a quick one?
267
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,040
Always, that's why I've got another
268
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,400
bloody baby on the way.
269
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,400
Would you believe it, man, eight kids
270
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,480
by five different women.
271
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,120
Is that all. That's naught.
272
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,160
I've got more women on
this street pregnant
273
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,680
than you've had come back tours.
274
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,360
Like, why does this keep happening to us?
275
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,840
What can we do?
276
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,680
Well, we could always just
stop randomly shagging about.
277
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,520
[laughs]
278
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,760
Yeah, good one man, nice, yeah.
279
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,920
I hate Judge's Houses week.
280
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:23,760
Why is that?
281
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,240
My home was totally trashed.
282
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,600
The neighbors complained
about all the noise.
283
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,040
There was sick all over the carpet.
284
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,040
-Oh.
-And, I had to
285
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,880
sort it all out before
the contestants got there.
286
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,440
Well, if you will leave Ozzy in charge.
287
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,920
Have you voted to leave, Europe?
288
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,840
Worried about what kind of
deal you're going to get
289
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:43,960
from the EU?
290
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,040
Then, you need comparetheMerkel.com.
291
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,640
This Merkel searched
through literally thousands
292
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,760
of lousy bills to find the
worst possible deal for you
293
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,840
whether it's no more EU subsidies,
no more Visa free travel
294
00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,200
to Europe, or no cheap labor
to pick your asparagus.
295
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,960
We are going to stitch
you up good and proper.
296
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,360
I used comparetheMerkel.com.
297
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,440
They found me such a
lousy deal I had to create
298
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,920
a fictitious cabinet post
just to have someone else
299
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,120
to take the blame.
300
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,320
So, if you're the Minister
for Brexit why not
301
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,080
trigger Article 50 and
get a free shit sandwich?
302
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,760
At least it's a good old
British shit sandwich.
303
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,960
ComparetheMerkel.com I guarantee you won't
304
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,760
find a worse deal anywhere.
305
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,760
And, if you wanted the
old, soft cuddly Merkel
306
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,760
you should have stayed
in the EU, simples huh.
307
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,280
[Narrator] Stop-tober.
308
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,600
Most doctors will tell
you smoking and drinking
309
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,720
could shorten your life.
310
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,520
But, for some reason my
doctor say do it as much
311
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,320
as you like, Nige.
312
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,680
She's a lovely bird, from
Poland as it happens, cheers.
313
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:48,760
[belches]
314
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,360
[punchy upbeat music]
315
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,120
Help, help oh help.
316
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,600
It's all right Miss
Willoughby, pest control.
317
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:03,200
Oh, thank God, it's horrible.
I don't know what to do.
318
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,720
I'm on it. Now, where did
you last see this pest?
319
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,240
Going through my knicker drawer.
320
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,480
Boobies, buns, dingles.
321
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,320
[laughs]
322
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,640
Oh dear, that is definitely a Keith Lemon.
323
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,840
There's a lot of him about.
324
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,760
They say you're never
more than six minutes
325
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,400
away from a Keith Lemon on telly
326
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,400
these days, filthy creature.
327
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,920
-Funny flaps.
-Get it away from me.
328
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,520
Calm down, love, it's just a character.
329
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,080
How did it get in, through the u-bend?
330
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,240
Probably through the keyhole.
331
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,720
Oh no, it's humping my dressing table now.
332
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,560
Big knob, boobies, big knob, boobies.
333
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,200
Get rid of it.
334
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,480
Not a problem, I'll draw a
cock and balls in the dirt
335
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,480
on the back of my van.
336
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,200
The Keith Lemon won't
be able to resist it.
337
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,360
And, once you've got it out of my house
338
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,880
can you get it off my TV?
339
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:49,720
[laughs]
340
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,640
Sorry love, I don't do miracles.
341
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,080
Bangers and backs.
342
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,440
[groans]
343
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,440
[upbeat music]
344
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,280
[Audience] Boo.
345
00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,480
So, let me get this straight.
346
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,320
You've had five children
by four different fathers.
347
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,680
I have, Jeremy, yeah.
348
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,520
That's disgraceful, come back when
349
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,680
you've had another 10, time waster.
350
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,520
[grunts]
351
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,600
[audience cheers]
352
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,920
We asked 100 smokers what
they thought of stop-tober.
353
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,600
Top answer was, [coughs].
354
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,600
So, well done if you've got that at home.
355
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,160
[Narrator] This is
Judge Rinder and this is
356
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,760
his pretend court.
357
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,400
In court is Adele, she's
looking for millions
358
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,800
in compensation for
loss of future earnings.
359
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,680
The defendant is her boyfriend.
360
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,080
-So Adele.
-♪ Hello, it's you♪
361
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,440
Bet that's the first time anyone's ever
362
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:41,920
done that joke.
363
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,520
I'll do the bitchy stares in my courtroom.
364
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,800
So, million of pounds?
365
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,920
Your boyfriend must be a right bastard.
366
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,040
-That's just it, he isn't.
-I'm sorry?
367
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,840
He's a bleeding gent, he is.
368
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,000
I've written three albums about my bastard
369
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,720
ex-boyfriends, but what have
I ever got out of this one?
370
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,080
-Flowers, everyday.
-Exhibit A.
371
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,520
You unselfish, non-bastard,
I'll never be able
372
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,760
to write another hit.
373
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,080
-But, I love you.
-I love you, too.
374
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,560
Oh God, I've never been so unhappy.
375
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,800
[sobs]
376
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,560
Oh, hang on a moment, this is working.
377
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,480
♪ Never been ♪
378
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,000
♪ So unhappy ♪
379
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,080
[gavel bangs]
380
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,120
♪ Cause I chose ♪
381
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,480
♪ A lovely chappy ♪
382
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,560
♪ Not a bastard, it's the pits ♪
383
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,920
♪ Only bastards inspire my hits ♪
384
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,080
♪ Never gonna win another gold♪
385
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,720
-Why?
-♪ Except pay me ♪
386
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,840
♪ For this song ♪
387
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,840
♪ And that's law♪
388
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:45,800
[cheers]
389
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,640
Oh yes, still got it. Thank you.
390
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,760
What a ruddy diva.
391
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,920
[punchy upbeat music]
392
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,240
So, what bus are we waiting for?
393
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,920
-Number 10.
-In that case,
394
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,200
we could be here for some time.
395
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,520
Now, now Sadiq, let's not
spoil a great conference.
396
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,120
[siren wails]
397
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,080
Oh no, it's Sarah Lancashire.
398
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,840
Right, where's the blood bath?
399
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,160
Blood bath, no, no we are
completely united now.
400
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,240
Yes, there's nothing to see here.
401
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,360
That's what they all
say, but then I uncover
402
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,720
a trail of vice, drugs, and prostitution.
403
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,040
You leave Keith Vaz out of this.
404
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,560
My instinct tells me
it's about to kick off.
405
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,040
-Absolutely not.
-No more vicious
406
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,520
in fighting here.
407
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,600
So, what do you call this?
408
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,080
-Owen Fingie.
-I am completely
409
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,960
behind Jeremy and haven't in
any way been made to say that.
410
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,160
-[laughs]
-[thuds]
411
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,000
You see we've moved on.
412
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,800
We're all one big family now.
413
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,000
One big family, with simmering tensions
414
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,200
and historic grudges that
fester like an open wound.
415
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,840
Nonsense, we're going to
unite under a socialist banner
416
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,760
and win the next election.
417
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,720
I knew there were drugs involved.
418
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:53,600
What are you lot on?
419
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,520
We're on the way to oblivion.
420
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,880
-Traitor.
-Trot.
421
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,640
-Blowout.
-God this is depressing.
422
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,200
My kind of place.
423
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,760
[mellow music]
424
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,520
At the next debate Hillary's
not gonna know what hit her.
425
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,520
Good for you, money. I mean, honey.
426
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,880
Things are gonna get personal.
427
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,160
I'm gonna talk about Bill
and his creep relationships
428
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,160
with women far younger than he is.
429
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,840
-Yeah.
-[mellow tones]
430
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,040
Oh, look Trump call on the Trump hotline.
431
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,640
-Hello.
-Hello, Donald it's me Kim.
432
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,360
How did you get a hold of my details?
433
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,840
I crack your password,
it's Trump Password, right?
434
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,040
How did you work that out?
435
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,400
You and me have lots in common.
436
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,120
I like naming everything
after myself, too.
437
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,320
We both have fabulous and
not at all ridiculous hair.
438
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,960
Well, that's true.
439
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,520
I also hate southern neighbor.
440
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,360
I build big fence to
keep foreign scum out.
441
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,400
Kim, I gotta tell you I like you.
442
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,000
And, we both think nuclear
weapons are good idea.
443
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,760
Well, if you've got 'em
you might as well use 'em.
444
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,440
So, when you president
we should get together.
445
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,440
Sure, it's gonna be great.
You can also meet my daughter.
446
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,200
Like I said on that talk
shows, she's so hot.
447
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,320
If I wasn't her father,
I'd date her myself.
448
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,680
Wow, you sick, you too crazy
for me. Good luck, USA.
449
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,680
Give up smoking for a whole
month? You must be joking.
450
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,080
It would make me irritable, grumpy,
451
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,080
and likely to hit someone.
452
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,600
[growls]
453
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,040
[stately music]
454
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,880
As we can see this is a
beautiful gardener's trowel
455
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,080
from the 18th century,
complete with the original--
456
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,400
Sot that, how much can I flog it for?
457
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,920
-Wait a minute, millions--
-Millions?
458
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,200
Millions of viewers want to see your hopes
459
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,000
slowly raised and then cruelly dashed.
460
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,520
[bell tolls]
461
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,040
[ominous music]
462
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:53,880
[gasps]
463
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,960
Oh no, it's the Grimmie Reaper
464
00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,000
Yeah, it's me, Nick Grimshaw,
TV's go to haircut and legs.
465
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,400
I've come to kill your show stone dead.
466
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,400
No, you'll never do it.
We've got a massive audience.
467
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,720
So did the Radio One Breakfast Show
468
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,120
till I started presenting it.
469
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,000
[laughs]
470
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,880
Stay back, I've got a
fake 18th century trowel.
471
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,320
-Fake?
-And, I'm not afraid
472
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,160
to use it.
473
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,440
Ha, you can't kill me.
474
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,600
No matter how many times I die on telly
475
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,080
I always rise again.
476
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,320
-Remember me on the X Factor?
-Not really.
477
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,520
Exactly, and yet here I am
still wafting around TV studios
478
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,600
like a poison fart exhibiting
considerably less charisma
479
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,240
than my crazy haircut
would lead you to expect.
480
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,520
I'm gonna bleed your show dry of viewers.
481
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,080
-Never.
-Wanna see some selfies
482
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,240
of me at Mahiki drinking
Jagerbombs with someone
483
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,000
who looks a bit like Alexa Chung?
484
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,320
-[All] No.
-[footsteps]
485
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,120
See, with banal youthy
banter, I'm scaring off
486
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,000
anybody over the age of 21.
487
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,760
Talk about a worthless feat.
488
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,040
[laughs]
489
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,880
[mellow musiC]
490
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,720
All right, what we got.
491
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,000
Bill, bill, oh, what's this?
492
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,120
Dear Mister Allerdyce you've
brought the whole game
493
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,960
of football into disrepute.
494
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,080
You're clearly a man
willing to use your position
495
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,240
to make extra money for yourself.
496
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,600
Would you be interested in a job at FIFA?
497
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,680
Jump in, we're off to Zurich.
498
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:11,760
Do you want a ciggy, Kate?
499
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,280
Oh, no way Cara, it's stop-topber.
I've totally given up.
500
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,720
You need to try vaping,
it's so much better for you.
501
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,680
Uh, I don't think you're
meant to set light to it.
502
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,120
[coughs]
503
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,960
Oh, this is the real deal.
504
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,360
[explodes]
505
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,680
-Awesome man.
-[groans]
506
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,640
[urgent music]
507
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,240
You're watching Sky
News with me Kay Burly,
508
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,240
milking innocent victims
for misery like human cows.
509
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,360
[hisses]
510
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,680
-Hi, Burley.
-Hi Rupe.
511
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,840
You wanna go make some people cry?
512
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,440
-Sure thing.
-[hisses]
513
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,280
-Let's go.
-[upbeat music]
514
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,960
♪ I'm a Burley girl ♪
515
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,280
♪ In a Burley world ♪
516
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,080
♪ Face of plastic ♪
517
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,480
♪ It's fantastic ♪
518
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,080
♪ Made Peter Andre cry ♪
519
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,560
♪ And, I love when people die ♪
520
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,080
♪ Trolling the nation ♪
521
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:01,960
♪ Is my recreation ♪
522
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:02,840
♪ Go on Burley ♪
523
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,680
♪ You're my girly ♪
524
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,600
♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪
525
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,440
♪ Be a bitch ♪
526
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,160
♪ And make me richer ♪
527
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,200
♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪
528
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,280
♪ Ask a murder's wife ♪
529
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,680
♪ About their sex life ♪
530
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,160
Love, maybe you should have put out more.
531
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,000
♪ A grieving relly ♪
532
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,240
♪ Makes great telly♪
533
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,280
Are you sad your mom's dead?
534
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,160
She's what?
535
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,680
♪ You can hope, you can pray ♪
536
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,880
♪ But my toxic face is here to stay ♪
537
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:26,800
♪ Come on Burley ♪
538
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,720
♪ You're my girly ♪
539
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,600
♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪
540
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:30,480
♪ Being not nice ♪
541
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,080
♪ Swells my share price ♪
542
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,280
Aren't you going to apologize for Isis?
543
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,160
Huh, I' Zayn Malik.
544
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,000
♪ Dredge the sewers ♪
545
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,560
♪ Get more viewers♪
546
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,000
What is this garbage?
547
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,520
Oh Rupe, I'm having so much fun.
548
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,600
Wow, I do believe she's
even more evil that I am.
549
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:47,760
[hisses]
550
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,160
[groans]
551
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,320
[punchy upbeat music]
40453
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