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[upbeat music]
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♪ I used to sing about the boy next door ♪
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♪ But now I'm older and I want much more ♪
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♪ I want a man who understand my needs ♪
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♪ Be the headline that
the whole world reads ♪
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♪ Then I met a guy who felt the same. ♪
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Hi.
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♪ You and I are both in love with fame ♪
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♪ And I'm like you're amazing ♪
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♪ And I'm like gosh ♪
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♪ And I'm like Instagram that ♪
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♪ And I'm like Christ ♪
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♪ We're like really truly
madly in love with fame ♪
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♪ I first saw you when
you won your Grammy ♪
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♪ You were really cool in Downton Abbey ♪
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♪ Uh, night manager ♪
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♪ Whatever ♪
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♪ I was instantly love with him ♪
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♪ Could never be without my Tim ♪
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♪ Uh, Tom ♪
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♪ Whatever ♪
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♪ The paparazzi want to see us kiss ♪
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♪ I use the publicity stuntman for this ♪
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♪ And I'm like this is trending ♪
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♪ And I'm like what's that ♪
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♪ And I'm like SnapChat spat ♪
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♪ And I'm like come again ♪
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♪ We're like really truly
legally contractually ♪
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♪ In love with you ♪
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♪ We got 24/7 PR on tap ♪
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♪ Oh, no, the Englishman's going to rap ♪
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♪ T-Hitty in the house
with a touch of class ♪
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♪ I'm a serious actor ♪
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♪ Have you seen my ass ♪
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♪ My Corria Lane this was a hit at rad ♪
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♪ About pretending this is real ♪
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♪ Was a damn site harder ♪
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♪ We're even bigger than Kanye and Kim ♪
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♪ God I wish I had a butt like him ♪
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♪ We got more hits than
Orlando and Katie ♪
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♪ Who's breaking the internet now matey ♪
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♪ One last thing that we got to make up ♪
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♪ That's a headline friendly breakup ♪
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♪ It's a split up alert from my agent ♪
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♪ And I'm like it's over ♪
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♪ But who's going to be my
arm candy for the Emmys ♪
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♪ Nice to meet you Dom ♪
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♪ Ooh ♪
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♪ Whatever, next ♪
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Hello, I'm Steven Mohan and welcome back
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to Catch Phrase.
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Now don't forget, you just have to say
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00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,280
what you see.
54
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:05,280
[buzzing]
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A poor man's Upton Deck.
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Haven't started yet.
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Flogging a dead horse.
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[buzzing]
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No.
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Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Stop it.
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Money for old Rob.
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This is certainly is.
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Are you a politician having problems
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with your dirty laundry?
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Then you need new fast acting Vaz.
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Perfect for those impossible to remove
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stains in your character.
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Just ask this expert.
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I'm a washing machine salesman called Jim
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and definitely not rent
by scandal MP Keith Vaz
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and I always recommend Vaz.
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[knocking]
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Are you ready to take the Vaz challenge.
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This is a private matter.
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It's idea for those stubborn and
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hard to remove politicians.
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I certainly don't know any of those.
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Could your politician pass
the Vaz doorstep challenge?
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[Announcer] Warning, Vaz may boost sales
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of the Sunday Mirror.
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[Director] Taylor Swift
boyfriend auditions
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number 97, Alan Carr.
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Hello Tay Tay, it's me.
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We should so get together.
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Swift Carr, oh, sounds
like a mini-cab company.
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00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,720
I know our relationship would
be a little far fetched,
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but still more believable
than your last one, oh.
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Welcome to the Island with Bear Grylls,
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where two teams of boys
and girls take everything
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the island can throw at them while I swan
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00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,520
around in a five-star hotel.
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First rule of survival,
avoid any unnecessary danger,
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so welcome to the Island
without Bear Grylls
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because I'm nowhere near it.
96
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My job is to hang out in a penthouse suite
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and state the bleeding obvious,
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like when the contestants haven't eaten
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for two weeks.
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They're all really hungry
of if they're climbing
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on a slippery cliff.
102
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They could slip.
103
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[thud]
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Or if they're dangerously
close to a very big crocodile.
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[yelling]
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Well, you get the idea obviously.
107
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Why are my comments so obvious?
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00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,160
Because I've got so many
other shows to churn out
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that I've only got time
to say the first thing
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that comes into my head.
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I forgot my phone charger.
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Later I'll be saying some
of this sort of stuff
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on the roof by the pool because it looks
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a bit like I'm on a boat.
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00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,720
And here's some obvious voiceover stuff
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they can cut in wherever they like.
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It's a lovely day, it's raining.
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There's a storm coming.
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He's hot, she is depressed.
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There is my phone charger.
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I'm Bear Grylls and I've
viewed some of the most
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terrifying footage ever
shot whilst sitting
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in some of the poshest hotels ever built,
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but this is my biggest challenge yet.
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A seven-course tasting menu
with wine and digestif.
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After eating all that,
this Bear is going to need
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to go into the woods and
do something, obviously.
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[upbeat music]
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Great work on the new campaign slogans.
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You think so, really?
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No, they're pathetic.
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I've got better ones.
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Do as you're told and vote Hillary.
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Just goddamn vote Hillary you morons.
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Which bitch, this bitch, bitch.
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Bill, I am trying to run a campaign here.
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What is it?
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Do you notice anything
new about me Hillary?
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What?
140
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,480
I don't know, you got a new apron.
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00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,120
I just got my hair dyed arctic white.
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Just the way that you like it.
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I don't care about your goddamn hair.
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I care about a slogan that's going
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to get me goddamn elected.
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Those ones look good honey.
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They're horse shit.
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Did you even focus group them?
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Huh?
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00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,800
Yeah, well, we did and one word is proving
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a little unpopular.
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Which one?
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Hillary.
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00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,760
Turns out you're not seen as very likable.
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What do you mean I'm not very likable?
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Hiya!
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Oh.
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And calm.
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Okay, let's workshop what
people do like about me.
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[clock ticking]
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Well, you're not Trump.
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That's it.
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Vote not Trump.
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I love it.
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Get those posters printed now!
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[Director] Taylor Swift
boyfriend auditions number 27.
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The Pope.
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Hey, Taylor.
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We got so much in common.
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You're cool and hip and so am I.
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Plus I'm celibate, so no jiggy jiggy,
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just like with Tom.
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I'm perfect, call me.
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[upbeat music]
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Ooh, this is brilliant Simon.
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My chair is pointing
directly away from the stage.
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Is this so I can turn around like
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they do on the Voice?
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Something like that Louie.
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It won't turn around.
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Why won't it turn around.
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I don't know why it won't turn around.
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[dramatic music]
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He's dead.
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But nothing like this ever happens here.
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We live in an unspoilt rural village.
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That can only mean one thing.
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What?
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TV detective.
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00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,720
Olivia Coleman?
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00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,840
I'll have this case cracked
in 10 one-hour episodes
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plus maybe a second series.
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Forget it Coleman.
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I'll solve it before the
next staff Brass Over advert.
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Lancasher.
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00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,000
Out of me way.
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00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,120
This is a case for a
no-nonsense female couple
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with a tragic back story who loves
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rubbing up against authority.
200
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Ooh, perfect for me.
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Now, back off.
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Not a chance.
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00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,040
I wear Iver's jackets.
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00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,600
I'm getting me a kivved in
every series of Appy Valley.
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00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,200
This is my case.
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00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,560
Nonsense, you're just a sergeant.
207
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,240
I'm a detective, Hamden and I5, right.
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00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,080
I need to become ridiculously
personally involved
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in this case like I did in
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Night Manager and Broadcaster.
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00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,440
I'm already ridiculously
personally involved.
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This dead body is me mom's
pawn peddling boyfriend
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00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,240
and my lesbian cousin's crap
dealing English teacher.
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Excuse us.
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Sorry.
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We've both got big parts in Midsomer.
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This is so my case.
218
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,120
No, I think you've heard it's mine.
219
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,040
Actually, you're both wrong.
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[Together] Elber?
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00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,360
This case has Luther written all over it.
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You ladies can both toddle off to collect
223
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your bafters while I lose my temper
224
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for no apparent reason.
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00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,360
[banging]
226
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,720
Hang on a minute, you only do ludicrously
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00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,160
overcomplicated serial killer murders.
228
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,000
So?
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00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,240
This can't be your case.
230
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,480
There's only one body.
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00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,480
At the moment.
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[Together] Oh!
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Oy, you two wait for us.
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We're coming to Midsomer.
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It's safer there.
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00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,760
[Director] Taylor Swift
boyfriend auditions number 35.
237
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,240
Nigel Farage.
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00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,920
I'll be totally honest, I'm not usually
239
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,840
a fan of Swift's, flying over here,
240
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,440
picking our British berries
off our British bushes.
241
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,080
There should be a migration point system
242
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,320
to keep them out.
243
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,480
[belching]
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00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,280
[Reporter] They had luck
against Nisha Curry, Andy,
245
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,400
but you've had an
incredible run this year.
246
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,640
What motivates you?
247
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,320
Well it's all down to my wee baby girl.
248
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[All] Aw!
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Because the moment I lose, it's back home
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00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,600
to sleepless nights and nappy changing.
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00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,160
Oh, the horror.
252
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,160
Hey, forget Rio.
253
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,840
Welcome to biggest,
bestest number in sporting
254
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:39,840
even in world, the O-Kim
Pic Games, applause.
255
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:40,880
[applauding]
256
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,720
Glorious North Korea sure
to win record medal hard
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00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,360
because no one else allowed to take part.
258
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,120
First event today.
259
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,680
Men's shot put.
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00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,720
I shoot men, they stay put.
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00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:54,400
Kim win.
262
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,320
[applauding]
263
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,400
Next up fencing.
264
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,560
I build big fence to
stop North Korea citizens
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00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,880
escaping to south.
266
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,680
Kim win again.
267
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:04,840
[applauding]
268
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:05,800
Next up boxing.
269
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,680
We put a esteemed members
of international free press
270
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,440
in box and throw away key.
271
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,560
Ha, ha.
272
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,880
Quick look at supreme leaderboard.
273
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,200
Kim get so many gold medals that Kim
274
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,000
win weightlifting as well.
275
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,600
[thud]
276
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,800
And don't miss amazing
fireworks at closing ceremony
277
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,200
when I nuke South Korea.
278
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,520
[explosion]
279
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,400
PM, now I'm minister for Brexit,
280
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,000
people keep asking me what Brexit means.
281
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,480
I've tried fobbing them off
with Brexit means leaving
282
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,440
the EU, but it's not working.
283
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,200
It's very simple David.
284
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,160
Brexit means Brexit.
285
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,520
[speaking gibberish]
286
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,800
Yes, very well done.
287
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,960
Brexit means Brexit is a pointless answer.
288
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,320
It means absolutely nothing.
289
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,080
We asked a hundred
members of the public what
290
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,800
they thought Brexit meant.
291
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,760
Answers you could have had include um, uh,
292
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,800
I'm not sure or is it something
to do with bendy bananas.
293
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,040
Most popular answer was
Brexit means a messy fudge
294
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,280
designed to avoid doing
the things the public
295
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:10,960
actually voted for.
296
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,400
Yes, it is.
297
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,320
Well, for starters we need to find a way
298
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,600
to tackle immigration.
299
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,680
Like I said, I'm not about to introduce
300
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,280
a ludicrously overcomplicated point system
301
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,080
that nobody can understand.
302
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,880
Well it works on pointless.
303
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,920
[Director] Taylor Swift
boyfriend auditions number 15,
304
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:26,760
Prince Harry.
305
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,440
Hey, Taylor, if you
like a poshatonian bloke
306
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,040
who's always in the headlines and loves
307
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,800
getting his bum out, I'm your man, wolf!
308
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,960
[gentle music]
309
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,240
[breathing heavy]
310
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,680
What is it Phil, you okay?
311
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,120
I can't take the guilt no more.
312
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,240
I've done a murder.
313
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,120
A murder?
314
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,200
Phil, no, who'd you kill.
315
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,360
It was, it was.
316
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,200
Where are the drum beats.
317
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,080
26 years of bloody drums.
318
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,960
I can't take it no more.
319
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,760
But now, he we gonna know when
320
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:58,800
something dramatic's happened?
321
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,600
I suppose we'll just have
to do it with acting.
322
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,640
Oh, God, Phil, what have you done?
323
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,840
[banging]
324
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,320
Rocket system tested and ready to go.
325
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,840
What up ya'll.
326
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,520
Yeez is in the sheezy,
ready to go into speezy.
327
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,920
What?
328
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,600
My name is Kanye West,
the best of the best,
329
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,200
got 200 percent on my astronaut test.
330
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,800
That is literally impossible.
331
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,080
You is a liar, Kanye's on fire.
332
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,080
But this is an unmanned spacecraft.
333
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,440
We don't need an astronaut.
334
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,680
Whoa, listen up haters, Kanye gonna get
335
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,440
his left arm replaced with a bald eagle
336
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,720
so he can literally
flip you the bird, yeah.
337
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,680
Mr. West, do you even know what space is?
338
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,400
Oh, yeah, of course I know what space is.
339
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,800
I invented space so I'd
have something to look at
340
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,640
while I got my balls jazzled.
341
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,480
Want to see them?
342
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,440
[Together] No!
343
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,400
And please don't press that
button, it's dangerous.
344
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,320
The only thing dangerous is not following
345
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,440
your dreams mother.
346
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,000
We have lift off.
347
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,120
[explosion]
348
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,480
Told you all I was on fire.
349
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,400
[playful music]
350
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,360
[Announcer] Next into the
First Dates restaurant
351
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:11,360
is Cheryl, Fernando's
Visrotten Riani, uh, Cheryl,
352
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,960
just Cheryl.
353
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,400
Welcome just Cheryl.
354
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,640
Now some people say you have a tendency to
355
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,240
rush into relationships.
356
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,360
Will you marry me?
357
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,120
No, madam, I am the maitre'd.
358
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,880
I am just the random
stereotypical French guys
359
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,040
they slap on this show to fool people
360
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,000
that it's classy.
361
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,200
Oh, but I had a really
good feeling about us.
362
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,280
You see, a French accent
makes even the most
363
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,920
banal crap sound like a
deep philosophical insight.
364
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,720
Whoa, that is proper clever.
365
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,640
Ooh, here comes your date.
366
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:47,640
Gadzooks, Alexander
Boris DePapefal Johnson
367
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:48,720
at your service.
368
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:49,560
Blah.
369
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,160
You've got a tautly absurd
370
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,000
and unpronounceable name, tick.
371
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,520
I know, amass abonk.
372
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,920
We don't even speak the
same language, tick.
373
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,000
And we've only just met, tick.
374
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,280
Let's get married.
375
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,520
Yes, well, I am, uh, already married.
376
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,720
Although I don't usually let that stop me.
377
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,480
Sounds like I'm rushing into
a car crash relationship
378
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,520
with a tautly inappropriate man.
379
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,560
It's so perfect.
380
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,960
Are you ready to take
it to the next stage?
381
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,360
You betcha, whoa.
382
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,320
Another really messy breakup.
383
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,480
A messy breakup, even better.
384
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,760
I love a Brexit, which is
short for a Boris exit.
385
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,000
Toodle pip.
386
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,280
Will you marry me?
387
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,080
Madam, you've already asked me that.
388
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,640
Oh, what are men like?
389
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,720
[Announcer] What do you
remember about school?
390
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,200
I spent most of my school days bullying,
391
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,480
name calling, picking on
the weak and vulnerable
392
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,800
and making them cry.
393
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,520
I say serve them right
for becoming teachers.
394
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,280
Okay, Mr. Preston, to get your dog to sit,
395
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,280
just give a nice crisp
simply instruction like this.
396
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,400
Sit!
397
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,280
Good boy.
398
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,120
Now you try.
399
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,160
No problem.
400
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,000
Rover, would you consider abandoning
401
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,720
your current stance vis
a vis you standing up
402
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,280
and make a commitment to
lowering your posterior
403
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,800
in line with the ground.
404
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:03,800
No, no, Mr. Preston.
405
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,320
What you say needs to be
short and to the point.
406
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,640
Apologies, but I am
struggling to comprehend
407
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,480
the precise way-
408
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,200
Just use one word.
409
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,520
Uh, can you make your
language more convoluted
410
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,400
so that I can understand you.
411
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,560
I'm saying when you address your dog,
412
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,640
you need to keep close
eye on your delivery
413
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,280
specifically with regard
to brevity of instruction.
414
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,320
Oh, I see.
415
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,000
So with regard to talking
to my canine colleague,
416
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,360
I need to monitor the
aggregate number of syllables
417
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,120
within the command, thereby decluttering
418
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,640
that verbiage and.
419
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,440
Oh, look, I've taught him to play dead.
420
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,520
He is dead, Mr. Preston.
421
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,920
He died of old age waiting for you
422
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,040
to finish your sentence.
423
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,040
Ah.
424
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,080
[Announcer] What do you
remember about school?
425
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,480
Well, my favorite lesson was English
426
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,040
so I was a big admirer of Charles Dickens.
427
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,360
He used to sit next to
me and Emily Bronte.
428
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,200
Happy days.
429
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,160
[Announcer] It's time for Smackdown 2016.
430
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,520
It's the trash talking political campaign,
431
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,680
that's just like American
wrestling, only dumber.
432
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,560
The Trumpster is going to open
433
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,320
a can of whoop ass on crooked Hillary.
434
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,800
[Audience] Kill, kill, kill.
435
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,200
[Announcer] Round one,
Trump verus Mexicans.
436
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,040
[Audience] Build a wall, build a wall.
437
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:21,160
Yeah, and I'm gonna get
the Mexicans to pay for it.
438
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,400
Who is stupid enough to believe that.
439
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,040
[Audience] We are, we are, we are.
440
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,840
[Announcer] Round two, Trump
versus heroes, knockout.
441
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,120
One, two.
442
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,520
I'm not done yet fellow.
443
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,240
Whoa, we thought he was down and out.
444
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,320
Have you folks already
forgotten that I insulted
445
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,720
a dead soldier's mother?
446
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,120
[Audience] Hell, yeah.
447
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,480
[Announcer] Round three,
Trump versus the world.
448
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:47,840
Well, we've got nuclear weapons,
449
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,440
we might as well use them.
450
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:50,920
Am I right folks?
451
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,160
[Audience] Nuke them all, nuke them all.
452
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,960
[Announcer] If the Trumpster wins,
453
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,040
prepare for WW3.
454
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,120
It's gonna be great.
455
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,320
And that was a clip
from Bridget Jones' Baby
456
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,320
staring Colin Firth and
something that looked
457
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,840
a bit like Renee Zellwiger crossed
458
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,240
with a chicken nugget.
459
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,840
So what did I think of it?
460
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,400
Well, I'm not sure, I
only saw half the film,
461
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,520
the bottom half.
462
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,880
Right, well, this film
show is way too small fry
463
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,760
for the queen of showbiz,
so I am out of here.
464
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,040
Ooh.
465
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,640
If I can ever find the door.
466
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,000
Okay, who's next.
467
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,320
Hi, I'm Jeremy.
468
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,440
And I'm Diane.
469
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,120
And we are UB4 Corbin.
470
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,840
Oh, no, not another charitable double act.
471
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,280
This is a tribute to the labor parties
472
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,240
incredible endorsement by UB40.
473
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,440
Haven't they split up?
474
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,840
UB40 or the labor party?
475
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,000
♪ They say it's time for me to go ♪
476
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,240
♪ But I don't care what
all the polls show ♪
477
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,160
[All] Ah!
478
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,520
♪ The labor party can win with you ♪
479
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:05,520
♪ But how many people
really think that's true ♪
480
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,040
♪ Two ♪
481
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,440
♪ Just us two babe ♪
482
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,640
♪ Me and you babe ♪
483
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,840
Are they finished?
484
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,360
You bet they are.
485
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,800
♪ Sadly two babe ♪
486
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,520
I'm stuck in 1972 babe.
487
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,800
It's a no for me.
488
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,000
It's time for you to go.
489
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,720
Good luck with that.
490
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,400
[upbeat music]
491
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:32,960
All right everyone listen up.
492
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,920
It's Molter next.
493
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,520
Should be an easy game, but
we're not taking any chances.
494
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,960
What's the plan big Sam?
495
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,280
No win from no one and not big Sam,
496
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,360
I'm lucky Sam.
497
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,560
Our win against Slovakia was all down
498
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,800
to this lucky coin.
499
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:51,480
But lucky Sam, we won't get
a 95th winner every match.
500
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,840
Oh, yes, we will.
501
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,280
This is my lineup for the Molter game.
502
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,560
Two horseshoes up front,
then four rabbits' feet
503
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,760
backed up by four sprigs of lucky heather.
504
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,120
England's good luck is here to stay.
505
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,640
[thud]
506
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,440
Oh, no, an unexpected banana skin.
507
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,880
Unlucky lucky Sam.
508
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,720
Mr. Edmonds, thanks for dropping by.
509
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,200
Aw, the fires of hell.
510
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,560
Not so much crinkly
bottom as crackly bottom.
511
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,000
You've still got it.
512
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,400
Now I heard channel 4
have axed Deal or No Deal.
513
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,640
Well, I want you to make
it for everyone here.
514
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,320
Really, you like the show?
515
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,200
Love it, it'll make them
suffer for all eternity.
516
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:32,480
Our VHS of Noel's House
Party is beginning to melt.
517
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,240
[speaking gibberish]
518
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,120
Okay, everybody, time for a photograph
519
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,280
of all the most powerful
people in the world.
520
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,360
Which means not you Theresa.
521
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,280
Listen up, minions.
522
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,720
Those stupid balls know nothing.
523
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,200
I will become the most powerful leader
524
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,560
in the world.
525
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,120
Our economy will be invincible.
526
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,440
[speaking gibberish]
527
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,520
Silence.
528
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,480
That wasn't an evil joke.
529
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,600
[Announcer] Despicable May 2.
530
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,080
How dare you freeze me out.
531
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,400
I'm the one who does the
freezing around here.
532
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,240
I see stare.
533
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,240
Watch out!
534
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,200
[evil laughing]
535
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,760
[Announcer] Look out world, she's back.
536
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,160
Despicable May 2.
537
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,800
Trust me, there won't be a Referendum 2.
538
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,840
Shut up and do what I'll say
539
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,760
or I'll have your guts for gathers.
540
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,280
Bloody Theresa May.
541
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,200
Jeri, darling, your little Rupie's home.
542
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,200
Give us a smackeroo.
543
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,200
Hello my beautiful billionaire husband.
544
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,040
What did the doctor say?
545
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,320
I hope there's nothing horribly
terminally wrong with you.
546
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,920
Nah, I'm as fit as a fiddle.
547
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,560
Oh, hooray.
548
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,080
They say I've got 20 more years left
549
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,880
and I want to spend all
20 of them getting down
550
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,520
and dirty with you.
551
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,800
[retching]
552
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,400
Sorry, sugar, just retching with joy.
553
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,800
Hey, why don't we celebrate.
554
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,000
I rustled up something
special just for you.
555
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,360
It's a little cocktail
I like to call plan B.
556
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:11,120
Here you go sugar pie.
557
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,880
Drink it all up now.
558
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,840
[groaning]
559
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,840
Yee ha, kaching.
560
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,600
Truth, that's strong stuff.
561
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,400
It's really cleaned out me pipes,
562
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,600
brought me didgeridoo right back to life.
563
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,280
Now I feel like bouncing
around on the waterbed
564
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,600
like a couple of randy roos.
565
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,320
[retching]
566
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,160
Let's get up those stairs.
567
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,160
Okay, honey.
568
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,160
I'll bring this incredible
overfull and leaky bucket
569
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,120
of slippery oil.
570
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,360
[groaning]
571
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,280
Whatever turns you on.
572
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,120
[groaning]
573
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,680
Ooh, would you mind just
popping me hip back in?
574
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,120
[retching]
575
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,200
[Announcer] What do you
remember about school.
576
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,240
I remember the careers advisor telling me
577
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,840
that with my skills I
could go on to university
578
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,080
at Saint Andrews and try to shag a prince.
579
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,920
[dramatic music]
580
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,480
Today's celebrity bake off challenge
581
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,200
is already well underway.
582
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,360
Adjust glassed, shuffle
awkwardly, wobble quiff.
583
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,640
So let's go and find out how Keith Lemon's
584
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,320
doing with his cream.
585
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,600
Snicker, add suggestive phrasing.
586
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,800
Knowing cheeky Keith, I expect he's
587
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:14,880
got a pun in the oven.
588
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,320
Hey, Keith.
589
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,320
Talk.
590
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,160
No, no, Keithikins.
591
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,000
Won't do at all.
592
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:19,960
This is Bake Off.
593
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,640
Home of family friendly
pastry based innuendoes.
594
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,120
Right big cock.
595
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:24,960
Keith.
596
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,440
It has to have two meanings.
597
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,080
It's not a single entendre.
598
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,640
You've got to add a pinch of subtlety.
599
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,520
A soup song of innuendo.
600
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,280
Just watch the experts.
601
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,920
That's a strong wrist action Mel.
602
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,600
Oh, I'm making it nice and stiff.
603
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:38,800
Ooh, naughty.
604
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,520
Do you want to lick it
when I've finished Sue?
605
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,960
She means the bowl.
606
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,000
Whatever you like.
607
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,840
You see, my lemony snicket.
608
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:45,800
Now you have a go.
609
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,560
Right big cock and balls.
610
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,040
That's just saying rude words.
611
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,560
Big elephant, bangers and bats,
612
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,280
I can see it on a sandwich.
613
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,320
Boy, I'd go through her like a tread.
614
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,000
I've heard quite enough.
615
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,120
Oof!
616
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,040
Raisin ginger knots.
617
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,080
Now you've got the hang of it.
618
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:01,920
Who's off!
619
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,160
[upbeat music]
43230
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