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[upbeat rock music]
2
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,200
[audience applauds]
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,360
And the nominations for
best female performance
4
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:14,880
in a light-hearted comedy
or pedo-based drama are.
5
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,680
[Announcer] Olivia Colman, Olivia Colman,
6
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,160
Olivia Colman, and Olivia Colman.
7
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:24,000
And the winner is, oh,
huh, this is unexpected,
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the Conservative Party.
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00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,920
-[elegant orchestral music]
-[sobbing]
10
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-[loud thud]
-We won!
11
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Of course we did!
12
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We promise to cut funding for the arts.
13
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And dismantle the BBC!
14
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Up yours, ya lefty luvvies!
15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:39,880
Bah!
16
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Hello, I'm Amanda Holden
17
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,720
and welcome to the bit
between the adverts.
18
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,400
This is the show where we
find a special forever home
19
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,880
for unloved and abandoned politicians.
20
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,200
This is Nigel.
21
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We found him wandering
the streets of Thanet.
22
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Out, out, out, out, out!
23
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Poor thing's been rejected.
24
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Well, he is a little
prone to attacking people.
25
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Bloody foreigners!
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00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,440
-[growls]
-Feisty.
27
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[chuckles]
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This is Ed.
29
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He's been horribly beaten
30
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and now literally nobody wants him.
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Ed Balls! Ed Balls!
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Bless.
33
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[chuckles]
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And here's Vince.
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His ear hair is in bad need of a trim.
36
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,920
He's been terribly neglected.
37
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-Haven't you, old boy?
-[panting]
38
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Is it time for the election yet?
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So please get in touch now
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or we'll just stick them all in a sack
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and throw them in the canal.
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[grunting]
43
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Oh, no.
44
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,520
Someone got a bucket of water?
45
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[laughs]
46
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:55,520
Oh, yums.
47
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I'll take a photo for Mumsnet.
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-[camera snaps]
-So embarrassing.
49
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[angelic singing]
50
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,480
Fess up your sins, my child.
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And remember, they will remain a secret
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between you, me, and
the big fella upstairs.
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That's exactly why Jeremy Kyle's here!
54
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Sins should not be kept private.
55
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They should be broadcast
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for the nation's
entertainment on the Me Show!
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Only God can judge sinners!
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Only Jeremy Kyle can judge sinners
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and sentence them to public humiliation.
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Now give me your top sinners,
I've got a show to fill!
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Go to hell!
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Where do you think I came from?
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Oh, mama mia.
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[car revs]
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Wahoo!
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Dave, mate, you're driving like a lunatic!
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I love it.
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Labour can eat my dust!
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And better still,
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there's no bloody Clegg
in the passenger seat!
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Huzzah!
72
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-[bottle smashes]
-It's amazing.
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I hit one producer in
the face and get fired.
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00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,120
You kick the whole country
in the nuts for five years
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00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,640
and they're asking for more!
76
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,800
Yes, I can do anything I
want and they still love me.
77
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Watch this.
78
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,120
-[tires screech]
-Bloody hell!
79
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,200
-Look out!
-Help!
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00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,280
-[loud thud]
-[yelps]
81
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:02,320
[groans]
82
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,320
Holy crap!
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00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,480
She's in a worse state
than Richard Hammond.
84
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,200
Get this woman to a hospital.
85
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,160
You are kidding?
86
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,840
Listen, you old bat, we've
closed your local hospital.
87
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You'll have to crawl home.
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[groans]
89
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Now, will you still vote Conservative?
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00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,120
Oh, yes, dear.
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00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,800
I don't want to risk that Scottish lot.
92
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:19,880
Unbelievable.
93
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,560
Right, you steal her purse
while I run over her again.
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00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,200
Dave, I never thought I'd say this,
95
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,000
but you've gone too far.
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Oh, cheers.
97
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[upbeat rock music]
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00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,600
Kanye, honey, can you take a photo of me,
99
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,400
taking a photo of me, holding
my book of photos of me?
100
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,680
Sure thing, Kim.
101
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[tablet rings]
102
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-Hello?
-Hello, it's Kim here!
103
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:44,840
WTF?
104
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:45,680
I'm Kim.
105
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,720
I am world's number one Kim!
106
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You have stolen my idea for
book full of photos of Kim!
107
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,400
No way!
108
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,600
Yours will never sell.
109
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,480
You don't have as many followers as me.
110
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I've got 25 million followers,
minus one I just execute!
111
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,440
Your photos are rubbish!
112
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,240
You not even have one single photo of you
113
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pointing at fish canning factory!
114
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,320
Now, listen to me, I'm the
world's number one Kim.
115
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,920
Kanye, you tell him.
116
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,520
Which one of us is the best Kim?
117
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,880
Well, honey, you know
how I love big asses.
118
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,200
Well, he's the biggest ass I ever saw.
119
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,160
Ha-ha, in your face, Kim!
120
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[knocking]
121
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Hello.
122
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We're trying to find out why
the election opinion polls
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00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,000
were completely and utterly wrong.
124
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Can I ask you, do you
ever lie to opinion polls?
125
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I'm sorry, I'm not in.
126
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[door slams]
127
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Oh, Benedict.
128
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,920
That was incredible, darling.
129
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,520
Not as incredible as you.
130
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,520
Don't.
131
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I've told you, Sophie,
I'm just an ordinary guy.
132
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[crowd gasps]
133
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,280
Look, there he is!
134
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,480
[All] The chosen one has woken!
135
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,760
All hail the Messiah!
136
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,680
Oh, shit.
137
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:56,320
He's not just the Messiah,
he's a very sexy boy.
138
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,920
Would you please listen to me?!
139
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,600
You mustn't worship me!
140
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,440
I'm just Benedict.
141
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,280
Benedict!
142
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,080
He even has a saintly name!
143
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,240
[Crowd] Hail, Saint Benedict!
144
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,360
Please, I'm not a saint!
145
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,160
I played a baddie in Star Trek!
146
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,320
[All] Oh, we loved you in that!
147
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,480
I played the part of a
pedophile rapist in Atonement!
148
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,520
[crowd gasps]
149
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,800
Only a true saint would
dare to play the part
150
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,200
of a pedophile rapist.
151
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,440
[All] He's a saint!
152
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,840
We are your Cumberbitches!
153
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:24,960
Don't say that word!
154
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I won't allow you to be my bitches!
155
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,040
You are Cumberpeople.
156
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,000
[All] Yes!
157
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,080
We are your Cumberpeoplebitches!
158
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,560
Oh, crikey.
159
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,920
You do know Eddie Redmayne
lives just down the road?
160
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:39,800
[All] Does he?!
161
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:40,680
Ooh!
162
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People are so shallow!
163
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,800
Just because he won the Oscar...
164
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:46,960
Darling?
165
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:47,920
Darling?!
166
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,600
-[door slams]
-Wait for me!
167
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,440
[Benedict growls]
168
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,200
[upbeat synthesizer music]
169
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,200
Dah.
170
00:05:55,200 --> 00:06:00,200
Yeah.
171
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,000
-Whoa!
-[loud crash]
172
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:54,840
[loud thud]
173
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[angelic singing]
174
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Now, confess your sins, my son.
175
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,280
Sins?
176
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,760
I have no sins.
177
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,280
It was a perfectly legal
investment at the time.
178
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,320
It was only later found to
be a tax-avoidance scheme.
179
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,280
No, I was talking about that duet you did
180
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,640
with Michael Buble!
181
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,920
Oh, yeah, that was a bit of a stinker.
182
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,000
[upbeat music]
183
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,920
Welcome to Election Match of the Day
184
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,160
with me, Nick Robinson.
185
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,000
My brain's so big, it's
pushed all my hair out.
186
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,080
We start with the shock
result from last week.
187
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,760
I don't think anyone saw this one coming.
188
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:29,800
-Eh, Roy?
-[snoring]
189
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,680
-Roy!
-[gasps]
190
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,240
What is it? An air raid?
191
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,360
Anyway, as I always say,
192
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,920
there are no easy results
in international politics.
193
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,720
I remember one time against Moldova--
194
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,440
Yes, well, let's have a
look at the key moment.
195
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,240
[Roy] As you can see, the boy Miliband
196
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,480
has got a massive open
goal in front of him.
197
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,320
I can do this.
198
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,160
I can do this.
199
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,640
I'm a happy warrior.
200
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,760
All he's got to do is slot it home.
201
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,920
It seems inconceivable that
he could possibly miss.
202
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,720
But, but, but, but, but,
but, but, hell, yeah!
203
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,000
-[yelps]
-[loud thud]
204
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,680
So, what next for Labour?
205
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,640
They should follow the tried
and tested England approach.
206
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,720
Rebuild, start to look good,
get everyone's hopes up,
207
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,640
and then when it comes
to the big occasion,
208
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,680
screw up spectacularly.
209
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,200
I'm sure they will.
210
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,880
At least I tried.
211
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,280
[groans]
212
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,040
[Announcer] It's time to meet the judges!
213
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,480
Simon Cowell!
214
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,320
Hi, guys.
215
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,520
It's a great honor.
216
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:27,760
I hope you appreciate it.
217
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,840
[Announcer] David Walliams!
218
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,440
Ooh, hello, sailor.
219
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,280
I'm free.
220
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,280
Shut that door.
221
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,800
I'm the only gay in the village.
222
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,760
Cooee.
223
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,040
[Announcer] Amanda Holden!
224
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,440
Hello, it's me, happy face.
225
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,800
Oh, no applause, sad face.
226
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,920
[Announcer] And Queen Elizabeth II.
227
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:48,960
What?
228
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:49,800
Excuse me?
229
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,520
Looks like I won't be the biggest queen
230
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,360
on the judging panel after all.
231
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,960
Why is this man pretending
to be a homosexual?
232
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,120
So, Your Majesty, what brings you here?
233
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,240
The winner of this [coughs] talent contest
234
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,760
gets a spot on the Royal
Variety Performance.
235
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,040
I've sat through eight
ass-numbing years of this crap.
236
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:07,960
Well, I've had enough.
237
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,520
It's my turn to pick the winner.
238
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,960
Look, I'm sorry, but we
can't possibly allow--
239
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,160
[growls]
240
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,280
-[barks]
-I mean, welcome aboard,
241
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,120
Your Majesty.
242
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:17,960
Very well.
243
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,080
Let the shotgun see the stag.
244
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,360
[Announcer] 5000 auditions later!
245
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,760
[loud thudding]
246
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,600
Terrible.
247
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,120
Is there nobody else?
248
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,600
I'm sorry, Your Majesty, that is the lot.
249
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,240
You've gotta pick one of them.
250
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,320
No, I've got a better idea.
251
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,920
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
252
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,360
welcome to this year's Royal Variety Show.
253
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,240
Oh, I expect it'll be
the same old rubbish.
254
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,040
Eh, darling?
255
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:44,880
[chuckles]
256
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,080
Still, I'm looking forward
257
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,680
to our traditional
hanky-panky in the interval.
258
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:50,520
Crikey.
259
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,720
Dear Vince, by forming a
coalition with the Tories,
260
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:01,080
I brought shame and disgrace
on our once-great party.
261
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:05,320
I've decided to do the
honorable thing and end it all.
262
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,680
Farewell, cruel world.
263
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:08,680
Nick.
264
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:12,680
Nick.
265
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:13,520
Nick?
266
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,400
Oh, no!
267
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,280
-Nick!
-Yes?
268
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,960
Thank God, I thought you were dead!
269
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,840
Oh, yes, I made that pledge
with the best of intentions.
270
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,880
But what's one more broken promise?
271
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,040
I'm going to kill you.
272
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,480
[whimpering]
273
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,080
Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis.
274
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,800
And on tonight's definitely-not-at-all
275
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,160
desperate-for-ratings show,
I'll be completely naked.
276
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:44,080
That's right, grandpa, all news, all nude.
277
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,880
Snapchat this, Question Time.
278
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,840
♪ And it was all yellow ♪
279
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,080
-[door clicks]
-[growling]
280
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:52,920
[screams]
281
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,200
Nicola, there's a panda in the toilet!
282
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,840
Oh, that was a hell of a party.
283
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,000
56 seats.
284
00:10:59,000 --> 00:10:59,920
Get in!
285
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:00,840
What time is it?
286
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:01,720
It's Wednesday!
287
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:02,800
Oh, my God!
288
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,400
What did we get up to?
289
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,360
Last thing I remember was that
massive fireworks display.
290
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,120
Says here one of the
Trident missiles is missing.
291
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,560
And so are the Shetlands!
292
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,000
-Oopsie!
-Oh, it's all coming back.
293
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,520
I think I gave Nick
Clegg three of our seats.
294
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,240
-What?!
-Well, we've got so many.
295
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,760
And he looked so sad.
296
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,200
[both laugh]
297
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,600
Right, Westminster, here we come!
298
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,440
[panda growls]
299
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,080
You'd better call Edinburgh Zoo first.
300
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,640
Ah, I've got no power.
301
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:28,480
Aye.
302
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,760
56 seats and no actual power.
303
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,760
Still, Nick Clegg, eh?
304
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:34,880
[both laugh]
305
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,640
[humming]
306
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,520
[elegant piano music]
307
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,240
There you go.
308
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,880
Oh, polyglot.
309
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,400
Well done.
310
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,440
'Ere, that word's not allowed.
311
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,440
It's way too short!
312
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,960
-Eh?
-You want to play it my way!
313
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,400
It needs some expandifying!
314
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,600
By the revolutionary
powers invested in myself,
315
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,360
this here tediocity requires
an ad hoc rebrandification.
316
00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,360
I give you.
317
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,120
[Announcer] Russell Brand's
Wordextendification!
318
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,800
I may be a political ignoramus,
319
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,320
but I am a professor of
linguistic ridiculocity.
320
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,720
That's not even a word.
321
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,720
To boost your apparent brainboxiness,
322
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,520
simply confabulate the most erudite words
323
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:13,600
what you can think of.
324
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,040
Loquaciousnessism.
325
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,200
Extrapolate them to the
maximum lengthworthiness.
326
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,000
Lawksamercificationifying.
327
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,840
And bedazzle your awe-struck acolytes
328
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,600
with some serious impressification.
329
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,360
Egopretentiousity.
330
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,840
There's no such thing.
331
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,600
Oh, I think there is.
332
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,160
Every game of Wordextendification
333
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,800
comes with an excessitudinous
supply of 800 letters.
334
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:34,640
[loud clattering]
335
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,240
[Announcer] Russell Brand's
Wordextendification!
336
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,960
Best of all, it comes with
a right, nice, big rack!
337
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,040
How dare you?
338
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,280
Predecess from your
anti-delirium pornographification
339
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,760
of this here bird.
340
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,520
The election was exciting
and unpredictable
341
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,840
and you had absolutely no
idea who was gonna win.
342
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,200
Hey, we should try that
in Formula One sometime.
343
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,880
Well, I've never seen a healthier baby.
344
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,200
Do you have any questions?
345
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,200
Doctor, this might sound silly, but--
346
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,560
Do you think Princess Charlotte
347
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,360
could catch something off George?
348
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,920
Oi, oi, hello, treacle!
349
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,680
Is that a ladder in your
tights or a stairway to heaven?
350
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:11,480
-[loud slap]
-[yelps]
351
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,560
Oh, come on, lighten up, love!
352
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:13,760
Just a bit of bants.
353
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,600
She knows!
354
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,080
-Who?
-♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole ♪
355
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:16,960
Shut him up!
356
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,520
Give him a Greggs steak bake!
357
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,680
Ooh, nice one.
358
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:20,840
Proper moist.
359
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:21,920
No need to worry.
360
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,720
George's commonness is not contagious.
361
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,560
It's actually passed down
from one of the parents.
362
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,760
Well, he's not got it off my lot, has he?
363
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,440
My family are staunchly middle class!
364
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,280
Haven't you seen the Middleton crest?
365
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,120
-Mm.
-Tyson, here, boy!
366
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,240
-Kill, kill, ah, good dog!
-[growls]
367
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,680
-Love it!
-[laughs]
368
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,320
Your Highness and your Middleness,
369
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,680
it is possible that George's
symptoms could be alleviated
370
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,880
if we expose him to the
poshest person in the country.
371
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:48,720
Of course.
372
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,560
I'll get Grand-mama.
373
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,880
Good Lord, no, I was thinking
of somebody really posh.
374
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:53,960
Oh, hello.
375
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:54,800
I'm Mary Berry.
376
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,080
Let's start with elocution.
377
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,160
How now brown cow.
378
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,200
-Cah.
-Cow.
379
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,120
-Cah.
-Cow.
380
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:01,960
Cah.
381
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,640
[Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, he's back,
382
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,480
in spite of popular demand.
383
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,840
-Nigel Farage!
-[audience applauds]
384
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,720
Good evening!
385
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,080
As the asylum seeker said
to the customs officer,
386
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,600
"You can't get rid of me!"
387
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,800
[Heckler] I thought UKIP were
meant to throw people out!
388
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:16,640
-[audience laughs]
-Good one, mate.
389
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:17,480
Now shut it and take your seat!
390
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,560
[Heckler] At least I've got a seat!
391
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,080
-[audience laughs]
-Oh, very funny!
392
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,600
All right, here's a joke for you.
393
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,200
The first-past-the-post system.
394
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,280
[audience laughs]
395
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,520
What's worse than finding
a maggot in your apple?
396
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,840
Getting 12% of the national
vote and only one bloody MP!
397
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:31,880
[audience laughs]
398
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,280
A UKIP man walks into
the House of Commons bar.
399
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,920
He can't fit in, it's full
of Scottish Nationalists.
400
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,040
And they're all pissed!
401
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:38,880
Not racist.
402
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,240
Just a bad loser.
403
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,120
Mine's a pint.
404
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:41,960
[Heckler] Bitter?!
405
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,080
You bet I am!
406
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,200
[belches]
407
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,400
[angelic singing]
408
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,240
Ring-a-ding-ding, next confessor, please.
409
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,120
Hello, Popey-peeps.
410
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,160
I think I am ready to
confess all of my sins.
411
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,640
Holy mackerel!
412
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,680
Sister Mary, clear my diary!
413
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,680
Hello, I'm Kay Burley,
414
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,160
picking at the scab of
the news until it weeps.
415
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,000
[hisses]
416
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,360
With me is the Prime
Minister, David Cameron.
417
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,080
-Hello.
-So, five more years
418
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:11,920
of austerity.
419
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,640
Won't that mean more human suffering,
420
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,600
more despair, more
families being torn apart?
421
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,400
-Well--
-Because, if so, hooray!
422
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,720
I thrive on misery!
423
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,280
Prime Minister, I think I love you.
424
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,720
Can I lick your face?
425
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,920
-[hisses]
-[yelps]
426
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,600
I don't even let George do that!
427
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,880
No, I'm Andy Murray,
professional tennis player.
428
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:43,880
Hence the racket.
429
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,800
This is how I always look.
430
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,640
The SNP won and I beat Nadal.
431
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:59,480
I am so happy.
432
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,640
No, I'm just reading the subtitles.
433
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,840
You will fit in well here.
434
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:09,160
Come, let us gaze morosely
together at the canal.
435
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,440
I am not miserable.
436
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,800
[upbeat synthesizer music]
437
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:19,800
♪ You might think I'm a miserable Scot ♪
438
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,800
♪ But let me assure you,
I'm definitely not ♪
439
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:31,880
♪ It's not my fault if I seem so glum ♪
440
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:37,720
♪ It's in my genes, just look at my mum ♪
441
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,760
♪ Yes, I'm happy ♪
442
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:43,760
♪ Sing along if you feel like
Centre Court without a roof ♪
443
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,800
♪ He's so happy ♪
444
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,880
♪ Sing along if Nadal's
serve hits you in the ♪
445
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,160
-[groans]
-Still beat him.
446
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:56,160
♪ The SNP won almost every seat ♪
447
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:01,880
♪ My wife shouts "fuck"
at the guys I beat ♪
448
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,880
♪ There's only one thing
really makes me mad ♪
449
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,400
♪ When people see my
face and think I'm sad ♪
450
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,240
♪ Now I'm not happy ♪
451
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,480
♪ Yeah, I'm not happy ♪
452
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,960
I'm angry, livid, pissed off,
453
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,760
fuming, irate, seething.
454
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:27,080
Gr.
455
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,800
Hi, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.
456
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,840
Let's take a gawp, I mean,
a look at our first patient.
457
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,360
[Narrator] Katie Hopkins is
a professional Twitter troll,
458
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:42,200
who said she'd leave the
country if Labour got in.
459
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,880
But that still didn't
swing quite enough votes.
460
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,840
Right, Katie, what
appears to be the problem?
461
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,440
If you ask me, dyslexia doesn't exist.
462
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,200
It's just a bunch of book-dodging thickos.
463
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,600
-[heaves]
-[splattering]
464
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,480
I see.
465
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,280
You clearly can't stop producing bile.
466
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,760
Feminism is just a bunch of
ugly cows who only hate men
467
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,440
because they don't have
a decent pair of jugs.
468
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,560
-[heaves]
-[splattering]
469
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,480
Oh, dear.
470
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,480
I think there's only one cure for this.
471
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,040
Cancer is just God's way
of telling poor people
472
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,680
to earn more money.
473
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,400
-[heaves]
-[splattering]
474
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,280
Here you are, take one of these pills.
475
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,120
Do I have to?
476
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,520
Yes, it's cyanide.
477
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,800
Ha, good luck with that!
478
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,440
I'm already 100% pure poison.
479
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,880
-[heaves]
-[splattering]
480
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:23,960
Want to see my abs?
481
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,680
[Narrator] Meanwhile, in Highgrove,
482
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,560
Charles and Camilla are halfway through
483
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,920
their second wine cellar.
484
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:32,880
[belches]
485
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,960
I can't stand Benefits Street.
486
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,440
Wastrels sponging off the state.
487
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,480
Never done a day's work in their lives.
488
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,440
Hm, we'd never live like that.
489
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,360
Bunch of lazy-assed no-goods.
490
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,240
Top up?
491
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,000
Hmm, more gin, please.
492
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,400
[groans]
493
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,240
There, right in the eyeball.
494
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,880
[dog whines]
495
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,560
Hello, this is the famous Hadron Collider.
496
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,760
Amazing, isn't it?
497
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,120
It is home to hundreds of physicists,
498
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,320
who are trying to find the answers
499
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,080
to the most important
questions in the universe.
500
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,160
Questions like, "Is Brian Cox single?"
501
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,840
Today, we are gonna
witness the most dangerous
502
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,640
scientific experiment ever attempted,
503
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,800
as a team of particle physicists
504
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,920
try to split the Ant and Dec.
505
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,120
Heh! What?!
506
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:19,960
No!
507
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,440
No, we don't want to separate!
508
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,640
We've always been together!
509
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,400
Who'll get custody of the BAFTAs?!
510
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,560
[both laugh]
511
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,120
As we all learned at school,
512
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,080
for every Ant, there is
an equal and opposite Dec,
513
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,520
but scientists are hoping
514
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,800
that by firing super-charged
protons at an Ant and Dec,
515
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,360
they might just be able
to split them apart.
516
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,960
Amazing.
517
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,000
Whoa, Ant, this is well weird!
518
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,560
We're going so fast, I've
lost all feeling in my face!
519
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,160
It's like being Amanda Holden!
520
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,000
[Both] Whoa!
521
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,320
[loud boom]
522
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:54,840
Sadly, it doesn't look like
the experiment has worked.
523
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:55,840
We're still together!
524
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,360
Hold on a second, though.
525
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,720
Something weird has happened.
526
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,120
We're the wrong way around!
527
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,400
Ho, ho, actually, this is better.
528
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,280
Dec and Ant!
529
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,240
I like it.
530
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,080
No!
531
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:05,960
Ho, ho!
532
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960
[upbeat rock music]
533
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,200
Cara, babes, you're shaking.
534
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,280
How long's it been since your last one?
535
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,560
Oh, God, good five minutes?
536
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,160
Go on, have a quick one.
537
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,320
Treat yourself.
538
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,160
[camera snaps]
539
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,040
And Instagram.
540
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,800
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
541
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,840
Time now to hear from
the most important man
542
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,280
in British politics.
543
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,280
Me.
544
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,640
And the person lucky enough
545
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,200
to be talking to me
today is Boris Johnson.
546
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,640
Wahoo!
547
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,560
Vah! Bah!
548
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,480
Greetings and salutations!
549
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,520
So, Boris, you're the Mayor of London
550
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,040
and now you've also been elected as an MP
551
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,600
and you're attending cabinet meetings.
552
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,920
The question some people are asking,
553
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,840
though not as brilliantly
as I'm asking it, is,
554
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,320
"Can you really do three jobs at once?"
555
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,600
No, no, I can do hundreds of jobs at once.
556
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,240
Three jobs are for wimps!
557
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,880
I also do my newspaper column,
books, consultancy work,
558
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,600
and I'm a milkman.
559
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,000
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.
560
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,880
I've got that extra cream you ordered.
561
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,760
[laughs]
562
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,400
I'm also a jockey, a brain
surgeon, and a plumber.
563
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,760
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.
564
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,520
Got any pipes that need unblocking?
565
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,360
[laughs]
566
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,880
I'm also a pilot, professional
footballer, and a gardener.
567
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,680
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.
568
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:25,920
Have you got a bush that needs--
569
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,880
I get the idea.
570
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,640
[tapping]
571
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,400
What are you doing, Ed?
572
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,640
Oh, Yvette.
573
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,880
I've let everybody down,
so I thought I'd say sorry.
574
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:48,880
Oh, Ed.
575
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,080
It's got two Rs.
576
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,400
Oh.
577
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,440
At least I tried.
578
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,640
[sobbing]
579
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,640
[upbeat rock music]
39504
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