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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,600
[rock music]
2
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,240
Yeah I did indeed convene with
that there Edward Miliband.
3
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,640
He's a weird-looking idealist
4
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,200
what pontificates unrealistic
political claptrap.
5
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,240
So we had nothing in common.
6
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,640
I'm hotter than him an' all!
7
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,640
Darling, my water's broken!
8
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,400
Don't worry, it's Bupa, darling,
9
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,640
they'll have another bottle.
10
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,760
No, no, I mean the baby's coming!
11
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:30,720
What? Right.
12
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,520
Action stations, all hands on deck!
13
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,520
Man the lifeboats!
14
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,120
Hurry, call the midwife!
15
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,240
[crashing]
16
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,120
What ho!
17
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,080
Yes, you're in luck, it's me!
18
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,040
Don't worry, your Royal
Highness, your Royal Middleness,
19
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,040
you're in safe--
20
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,520
[screaming]
21
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,800
Careful.
22
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,640
All fine, your Royal Willie-ness.
23
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,960
Bit rude, she said, hogging the camera.
24
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,840
-Get on with it!
-Of course, sirrah.
25
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,480
Respectful curtesy.
26
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,320
-[smashing]
-[yelling]
27
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,320
Oh cripes, blimey,
28
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,640
and other things people
definitely said in the 50s.
29
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,040
-Get this man to a hospital!
-We're in a bloody hospital!
30
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,200
That's a bit of luck.
31
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,080
-The baby's coming!
-[groaning]
32
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,600
Push, darling, push.
33
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,520
It's the last bit of work
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00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,200
you'll ever have to do in your life.
35
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,720
Time for the birthington.
36
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,480
Now, towels, hot water,
and most importantly,
37
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,760
tiny red carpet.
38
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,640
Is daddy going to cut the cord?
39
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:19,480
Um, well--
40
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,920
Don't worry, one's across it, snip snip.
41
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,360
It's only the actual Queen!
42
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,240
I declare this baby
open-season for the tabloids.
43
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,680
-Gadzooks and swoons!
-[sighing]
44
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,480
Bet Toff, for people who
love soccer as much as I do.
45
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,760
Whether, like me, you support Aston Ham,
46
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,840
or even Tottingham Rovers
or Livercastle United,
47
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,280
it's all about who will
win the most scrums.
48
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,080
Who will be sent off by the umpire?
49
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,240
Who will kick the round
thingy into the net thingy?
50
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,560
Bet Toff.
51
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,480
Hang on, the latest live odds
52
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,400
are coming up on your screen now.
53
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,600
Public believe Cameron's brain
fade excuse a billion to one.
54
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,560
Cripes.
55
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,880
Bet Toff, available until May 7th only.
56
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,480
♪ I'm fat, I'm round, I've
got a million pounds ♪
57
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,320
♪ Cameron, Cameron! ♪
58
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,880
[upbeat music]
59
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,760
♪ Don't cha wish your
leader was hot like me ♪
60
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,720
♪ Don't cha wish your
leader was a geek like me ♪
61
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,880
♪ Don't cha ♪
62
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,920
♪ Huh, yeah ♪
63
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,880
♪ Don't cha ♪
64
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,840
[groaning]
65
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,160
At least I tried.
66
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,320
[bright music]
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00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,720
Welcome to This Morning,
I'm Phillip Schofield,
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00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,800
friendly in front of the
camera, dead behind the eyes.
69
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,760
And I'm Amanda Holden,
everyone's tenth favorite blonde.
70
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,160
Coming up on the show I've
been doing some serious
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00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,920
investigative journalist research
72
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,560
by printing this off the internet!
73
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,400
Proof that Vladimir Putin's
cat has entered the Ukraine.
74
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,680
This is serious Panorama stuff, people!
75
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,080
But first, sperm facials.
76
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,360
A new report by scientists suggests that
77
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,520
women rubbing sperm into their skin
78
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,560
can have an amazing effect on
your show's viewing figures.
79
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,640
We were going to try it
out live on the program
80
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,080
but a grownup stopped us.
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00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,000
So instead, I'll be asking Alison Hammond
82
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,880
about the latest showbiz news.
83
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,520
It's not entertaining as such,
84
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,720
but at least it'll bring
us closer to lunch.
85
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,640
[Announcer] Will you please
welcome to the stage,
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00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,040
Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage!
87
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:26,880
[clapping]
88
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,680
Settle down, settle down, right.
89
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,200
There's an Englishman, an
Irishman and a Bulgarian.
90
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,840
And the barman says to the Bulgarian,
91
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,040
"Get out, you're taking a job
92
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,840
"that traditionally
belongs to a Scotsman."
93
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,640
[laughing]
94
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,160
Not racist at all, I was just tired.
95
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,240
Here's one:
96
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,120
Why is UKIP like ISIS?
97
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,960
They're both happy to see
Muslims leave the country!
98
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,560
What, self-deporting
Muslims, what's not to like?
99
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,640
[audience booing]
100
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,400
Bloody lefties, who picked this audience?
101
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,680
Haven't gone down this badly
since I had my plane crash.
102
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,000
[Audience Member] Don't
you mean car crash?
103
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,920
-We saw the leaders debate!
-[audience laughing]
104
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,160
Very funny, somebody check his passport.
105
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,440
Only having a bit of fun with
you, unless you are foreign.
106
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,440
Not racist, just good old
vote-winning casual bigotry.
107
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,480
Mine's a pint. [belching]
108
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,600
Hey, Uncle Roy, me and the
boys were like wondering
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00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,160
what the plan is for the next 45 minutes.
110
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,320
Well Wayne, I think the
priority has got to be
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00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,880
getting these broad beans planted.
112
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:15,720
Eh?
113
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:16,880
We've seen the last of the frost
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00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,840
and they should come up very nicely.
115
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,200
Never mind that boss,
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00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,160
you're supposed to be managing the team.
117
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,880
What do you want the lads to do?
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00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,360
Oh now Wayne, this is very important.
119
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,000
-If we get a corner--
-Yes, boss?
120
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,800
Be very careful, I've
planted some carrots there.
121
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,600
Oh Uncle Roy, you seem more interested
122
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,520
in your allotment than the match.
123
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,080
In many ways, Wayne, football
is very much like gardening.
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00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,520
The endless cycle of
the seasons, we qualify,
125
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,760
we humiliate ourselves, we rebuild.
126
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,000
[crowd cheering]
127
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,600
-Oh, we've kicked off!
-[splattering]
128
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,000
Oi, do you mind?
129
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,680
[crowd groaning]
130
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,760
Serves you right, you cheeky little scamp!
131
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,360
Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis,
132
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,400
but you can call me the
Funky Monkey News Junkie.
133
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,720
On tonight's not at all
dumbed-down Newz Nite,
134
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,400
I'll be having top
quality bants with Dave,
135
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,680
-a.k.a. the Prime Minister.
-Hi.
136
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,080
People are saying your heart
isn't in this election.
137
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,560
You look like a man who's
lost the desire to win.
138
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,760
What do you say to that?
139
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,640
It's really very simple, Evan.
140
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,960
-I don't give a shit.
-I'm sorry?
141
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,120
Look, I'll be all right, whatever happens.
142
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,440
So I don't give a shit.
143
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,480
Is that the right attitude
for a Prime Minister?
144
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,840
I don't give a shit.
145
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,040
In fact, I don't even give a
shit about not giving a shit.
146
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,120
Right, I'm off for a
mini-break in Tuscany.
147
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,160
I've rented a lovely West Ham.
148
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,560
Don't you mean a villa?
149
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,400
-Evan.
-Yes?
150
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,400
I don't give a shit.
151
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,120
Fo shizzle-zip-bang-pung!
152
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:39,960
Good night.
153
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,640
It's so nice of you to
do this, Mr. Barlow.
154
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:48,200
Hey, nothing's too much trouble
for these little angels.
155
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,600
Also, the petrol I used to
get here is tax-deductible,
156
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,000
so it's win-win.
157
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,200
She's a very sick girl,
158
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,520
so if you could cheer her up
it would be much appreciated.
159
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,800
I'll tell her some exciting
celebrity anecdotes.
160
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,040
Let me tell you about the one time...
161
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,720
Which is funny because
I was actually there
162
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,040
to renew my loft insulation.
163
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:08,960
[life support machine beeping]
164
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,080
Wait, what's happening?
165
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,600
I'm sorry to say this Mr. Barlow,
166
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,160
but it would appear you have
literally bored her to death.
167
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,000
Oh heck, what if I tell her
about the hilarious mix-up
168
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,800
I had in the carpark of a B&Q?
169
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,920
-I think you'd better go.
-Oh, okay.
170
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,880
That reminds me of the one time in Argos.
171
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,200
[groaning]
172
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,520
Are you okay, petal?
173
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,840
Eh, I'll fetch you a Bovril.
174
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,200
Hi-de-hi, campers!
175
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,560
Oh, settle down, girls.
176
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,880
You can tell by the screams,
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00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,240
we've only got the nation's
number one crush on the show.
178
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,720
Say hello to the sexiest nerd
on the planet, Ed Miliband!
179
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,560
[audience screaming]
180
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,080
Hello, Alan Carr.
181
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,720
Ed, Ed, all the teenage girls on Twitter
182
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,600
are going crazy for you!
183
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,200
I know, it's a bit embarrassing, really.
184
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,800
So, what we all want to know is,
185
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,720
-do you trim, shave or wax?
-[audience cheering]
186
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,520
Um actually, if you don't mind,
187
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,240
I'd rather you asked
me a serious question.
188
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,200
All right, if Labour don't get a majority,
189
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,760
aren't the SNP just going
to hold you to ransom?
190
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,400
Um, who wants to see my
topless Poldark pose?
191
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,440
[audience screaming]
192
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,120
Sorry, those are mine, don't
ask why they're so stiff.
193
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,560
[laughing]
194
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,720
Wee, wee, wee!
195
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,880
Wee, wee, wee!
196
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,840
[laughing]
197
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,160
Sh-bung!
198
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,200
Okay, let's go, Olivia Colman,
Chubley's Jam, take one.
199
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,400
Chubley's Jam, less sugar, more fruit.
200
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,160
[sobbing]
201
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,600
Hold it, sorry Olivia,
why are you crying for?
202
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,960
Oh, did you want it funny?
203
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,560
I'm so sorry.
204
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,600
Chubley's Jam [laughing]
more fruit, less sugar!
205
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,280
No, that's too much the other way, Olivia.
206
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,000
We want it just straight down the middle.
207
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,120
Oh, well, you see,
208
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,840
I only really do very happy or very sad.
209
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,600
For instance, Peep Show:
210
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,840
Mark, what have you been
doing with my toothbrush?
211
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,120
Or Broadchurch:
212
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,480
the body was sexually
assaulted prior to death.
213
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,600
[sobbing]
214
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,720
-Do you see?
-Yeah, absolutely.
215
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,160
They're both fantastic performances,
216
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,080
but in this particular bit
we just want in the middle.
217
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,280
Funny in the middle or sad in the middle?
218
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,880
Right smack in the middle,
neither funny nor sad.
219
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,680
-Got you.
-Okay, let's do another one.
220
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,000
Chubley's Jam--
221
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,800
No, hold it there, look Olivia, Livi, Liv!
222
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,280
You're one of the finest
actresses of your generation.
223
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,840
This should be a doddle, bish, bash, bosh,
224
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,400
twenty grand in your pocket.
225
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,480
Of course, yes.
226
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,480
Can't you think of an
experience in your life
227
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,840
that was utterly bland?
228
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,920
Use that, something
where nothing happened,
229
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,840
neither funny nor sad, it was just blah.
230
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,440
Well, I did do once go on the One Show.
231
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,280
Perfect!
232
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:39,280
-[bagpipes playing]
-[phone ringing]
233
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,040
Well, wonder who this is.
234
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:41,880
Hello?
235
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,440
Och-aye, the noo Alex,
Supreme Leader here.
236
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,920
Ah, how did you get my contact details?
237
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,960
Oh easy, North Korea have state-of-the-art
238
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,040
-computering system!
-[electronic buzzing]
239
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,680
Anyway, I am calling to
offer you my support,
240
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,160
-we have lot in common.
-I don't think we do.
241
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,840
We both eat well when rest of the nation
242
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,000
has terrible diet.
243
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,520
Aye, but apart from that.
244
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,400
You hate your rich
Southern neighbor, right?
245
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,240
Well I--
246
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:10,840
And you have nuclear weapons
that you want to get rid of.
247
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:11,880
I guess I do.
248
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,200
Well, why not drop them
on your Southern neighbor?
249
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,920
That's how I'm going to get rid of mine.
250
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,480
Just a second here, you've gone too far.
251
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,560
You're sounding like a
dangerous, power-mad egomaniac!
252
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,040
Yeah, that another
thing we have in common!
253
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:26,880
Oh!
254
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,400
Welcome back to This Morning,
255
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joining us now
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is the self-appointed comic
Messiah, Russell Brand.
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Greetings and salutations.
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So, Russell, big news, I
understand you've given up sex.
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Verily Amanda,
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I have eschewed the pleasures
of carnal gratification
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and shall be henceforth
assuming the mantle of celibacy.
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Oh, I've got here that
you've given up sex.
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How long's it been now?
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00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,360
Thus far, I have successfully
subdued me libidinosity
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for a period of one calendar week.
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That's amazing, has it been difficult?
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-[rumbling]
-Oh, Lawks!
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Oh dear, sounds like we might be allowed
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to do that sperm facial after all.
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-Cut to the adverts!
-[screaming]
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[gentle guitar music]
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Get on with it, George!
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It turns out that doing
nothing isn't enough
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to win this election after all.
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-[crashing]
-[grumbling]
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00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,400
Pickles, did no-one
ever teach you to knock?
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00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,600
Oh, sorry, I thought I smelled cooking!
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00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,880
What are you two up to?
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00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,920
Winning votes, we're offering
heaps of stuff for the rich,
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but we need to do something
to win over the poor.
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00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,160
So we asked ourselves
what do poor people like?
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And this is what we came up with.
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Ta-da!
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Gravy, Amanda Holden and drugs.
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Not necessarily in that order.
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Have you ever even met a poor person?
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Of course, I went to
Manchester only the other day.
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00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,080
We're going to give all the poor people
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a free bag of crystal meth!
290
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,800
You could call me Mr. White. [laughing]
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00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,640
What do you two twazzocks
know about crystal meth?
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Well, I studied chemistry at prep school.
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And I studied meths at Eton.
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[laughing]
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Actually, this could work.
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00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,400
The only way any poor bugger
will ever vote for you
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is if they're completely off their tits!
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-George?
-Uh-oh!
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00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,760
Take cover, crikey!
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00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,720
[exploding]
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00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,520
Well, it's not the first policy
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that's blown up in my face.
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00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,120
♪ There lives a certain
man in Russia today ♪
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♪ Who doesn't like anyone who is gay ♪
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00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,720
♪ People look at him
with terror and fear ♪
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00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,640
♪ And he never dresses up
in tight leather gear ♪
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00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,480
♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪
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♪ Hater of all Russian queens ♪
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♪ I'm not pleased to see you ♪
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♪ It's a gun in my pocket ♪
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♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪
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♪ Russia's greatest war machine ♪
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00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,760
♪ There goes your plane ♪
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00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,280
♪ But it wasn't my rocket ♪
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00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,440
[Reporter] So Roy, what do you think about
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00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,400
all these footballers taking laughing gas?
317
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,040
I think this so-called hippy
crack is a dreadful problem
318
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,760
which is getting more and more widespread.
319
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,680
Only this afternoon,
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00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,480
half the lads were rolling
around laughing hysterically,
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00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,120
while I was giving them
a serious team talk
322
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,440
about how we are going to
win the 2018 World Cup.
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00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,520
[laughing]
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00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,280
Blimey, this stuff is everywhere.
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00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,680
[rock music]
326
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,640
[grunting]
327
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,600
Ed Balls, have you superglued
my office door shut again?
328
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,680
It's locked, there's someone in there.
329
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,960
-Yvette?
-You can come in now.
330
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,800
But, but, but, but, but.
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00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,520
-Oh, sugar.
-[dramatic music]
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00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:41,520
Lord Sugar to you!
333
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,760
-Uh--
-I decided we needed help.
334
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,360
Actually, sorry, could I
just switch that music off?
335
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:50,280
I've got it.
336
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,600
Just give it a thump, that usually works.
337
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,920
We need your help, Lord Sugar.
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00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,080
Too bloody right,
339
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,640
you're neck and neck in the
polls with only a week to go.
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00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,480
Team Labour needs a rebrand.
341
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,840
But how do we do that?
342
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,880
Well, if bugger-lugs here
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can turn himself into a sex symbol,
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-then anything's possible!
-Oh.
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00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,960
Right, I'm going to set you a task,
346
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,360
so go and await instructions
in front of a London landmark.
347
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,240
What's the point of that?
348
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,800
I don't know, that's how my program works!
349
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,120
-[cellphone ringing]
-Hello?
350
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,760
Your challenge is to design a new logo
351
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,960
for the Labour Party,
352
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,080
something that will really
appeal to the voters.
353
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,640
Right, so we'll need
focus groups, researchers,
354
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,000
designers and about a million pounds.
355
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,960
Well, you've got five
hours and an A2 flipchart.
356
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,080
Ed, you are team leader,
have you got what it takes?
357
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,520
Hell, yeah, I've got a felt-tip pen.
358
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,120
I can't hear you, you're breaking up.
359
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,320
Gotta go, I've got
important business to do.
360
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,440
[crackling explosion]
361
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,720
-Okay, let's do this.
-Right, whoops!
362
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,720
Here's the old logo, now
tell me what's wrong with it.
363
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,920
-Uh--
-Everything, it's terrible.
364
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,480
What does it make you think of?
365
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,120
-The Labour Party.
-Get rid of the rose.
366
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,080
No keep it, people understand the rose.
367
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,360
-Okay.
-But the rose is English.
368
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,680
I know, add a thistle for the Scots.
369
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,480
Right.
370
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,240
-And a leek for the Welsh.
-Good idea.
371
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,760
No, don't do a leek you plonker,
it's daffodils for Wales.
372
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,280
Do a daffodil and a leak.
373
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,920
And something for Northern
Ireland, a shamrock?
374
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:20,760
That'll do.
375
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,800
And we should represent all the faiths.
376
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,800
Good idea, I will draw Mohammed!
377
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,640
[Both] No!
378
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,040
[Narrator] Meanwhile, at Highgrove,
379
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,440
Charles and Camilla are
getting royally sozzled
380
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,400
watching Britain's Got Talent.
381
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,520
[Judge On TV] I thought you were fantastic
382
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,560
and I'm not just saying that
383
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,920
because I've been hypnotized by a dog.
384
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,000
Britain's Got Talent?
385
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,640
More like Britain Needs Therapy.
386
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,560
Where do these cretins get the idea
387
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,400
they can get rich and
famous by tottering onstage
388
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,760
in a bikini with a few hula hoops?
389
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:52,840
Quite, darling.
390
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,560
Why can't they do it the old-fashioned way
391
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,120
by coming into this world
out of a Royal foo-foo?
392
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,960
-I beg your pardon?
-Top up.
393
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:04,360
-[barking]
-[guzzling]
394
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,760
My bucket list routine
395
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,120
killed at the correspondents' dinner,
396
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,480
but now I got nothing to do, again!
397
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,880
Oh, yes you have, sir!
398
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,560
Keane, I didn't hear you come in.
399
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,080
A good aide is a stealthy
aide, Mr. President, sir.
400
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,680
I've drawn up your schedule for today.
401
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,520
Right.
402
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,920
Let's see, 8 a.m., look
at calendar and sigh.
403
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,760
Done that.
404
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,760
You are bang on schedule, sir!
405
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:24,960
Next, 8:10, golf.
406
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,560
-And after the golf?
-Um, golf.
407
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,720
Indoor golf, outdoor golf, golfing lunch,
408
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,480
golf siesta, golf extra.
409
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,600
Then meeting with the leader
of the Democrats in Congress.
410
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh, great!
411
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,080
To find out how I can get some legislation
412
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:37,400
past the Republican majority,
413
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,800
so I actually have something
to do for the next 18 months?
414
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,960
-Nope, to play golf.
-Seriously, is that it?
415
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,800
Nothing but golf all day?
416
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,720
Well, David Cameron did want
to schedule a phone call.
417
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,120
Tell him I'm playing golf.
418
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,520
So I set you an impossible task
419
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,440
with nowhere near enough
time or resources to do it.
420
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,680
How did you get on?
421
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,520
We are quite pleased with
the results, your Sugarship.
422
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,880
Ta-da!
423
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,520
That is the least appealing,
424
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,960
most horrific thing I have
clapped eyes on, and remember,
425
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,600
I've worked with Katie Hopkins.
426
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,920
What the hell is that supposed to be?
427
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,480
Well, it's a sort of rose,
thistle, leek, daffodil,
428
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,480
shamrock, Isle of Man
legs, LBGT Cornish pasty,
429
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,800
Stonehenge, flat cap, unions, NHS theme.
430
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,440
That looks it was designed by
431
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,280
a committee of blindfolded
camels on crack cocaine.
432
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,720
We knew you'd say that.
433
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,400
Which is why we came up
with an alternative design.
434
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,120
Hang on, that's the old logo.
435
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,560
Yes, it is, sorry, Lord Sir Alan Lord.
436
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,480
No, no, fair dues.
437
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,520
Now I think about it, it
sums up exactly who you are.
438
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,440
Yes, it says growth.
439
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,400
-Hope.
-A brighter future.
440
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,080
No, it says pricks.
441
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,680
You're all fired.
442
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,640
At least I tried.
443
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,480
I'm Beyonce and I woke up like this.
444
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,360
♪ Independent woman, I run my own life ♪
445
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,760
♪ Rock star, sex goddess,
businesswoman and wife ♪
446
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,200
♪ But I got these two
groupies I don't understand ♪
447
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,400
♪ Can't shake off Kanye
West and Kim Kardashian ♪
448
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,600
♪ Yeah, it's ma girl, Bee ♪
449
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,040
♪ Yoo-hoo, Beyonce, hey, it's me ♪
450
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,160
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪
451
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,720
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪
452
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,080
♪ I'm everything that they're not ♪
453
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,520
♪ Every time I look
around they're in shot ♪
454
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,680
♪ Hey Bee, I think you're the best ♪
455
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,000
♪ I know that already,
please give it a rest ♪
456
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,240
♪ If your booty looks small
just add an inch to it ♪
457
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,880
♪ Breakin' the internet's
a cinch with it ♪
458
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,200
♪ So enormous now it almost
makes you flinch at it ♪
459
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,200
♪ Girlfriend, soon you're
gonna need a winch for it ♪
460
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,240
♪ I got class, she got brass,
her husband is just a pest ♪
461
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,400
♪ You get dissed, I get pissed,
stage a public protest ♪
462
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,160
♪ Don't do that, you look a
twat and no one is impressed ♪
463
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,640
♪ Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kanye West ♪
464
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,040
♪ My lyrics hit you ♪
465
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,280
♪ Brap, brap ♪
466
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,320
♪ I'm the Shakespeare of rap ♪
467
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,760
♪ Headlining Glasto, it's me ♪
468
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,240
♪ You just copy Jay-Z ♪
469
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,440
♪ I Want everyone to know who I am ♪
470
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,200
♪ Put my whole life on Instagram ♪
471
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,720
♪ Though no one gives a damn ♪
472
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,280
♪ Oh, no, oh, no, oh no, they don't ♪
473
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,120
♪ Beyonce was the best in this song ♪
474
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,880
♪ Respect artistry ♪
475
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,120
♪ She should get a fuckin' award for it ♪
476
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,920
♪ Want to see me balance a
box of wine on my vagina ♪
477
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,920
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no ♪
478
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,200
[Announcer] Are you looking
to find that special someone
479
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,920
for interesting
conversations and maybe more?
480
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,280
ParliMate is the new app
devoted to finding you
481
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,080
the perfect match for a coalition.
482
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,840
All you've got to do
is swipe left or right.
483
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,440
I'll swing whichever way you want.
484
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,280
I'm looking for someone who's into pain.
485
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,480
Choose the SNP and I can promise you
486
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,400
years of abuse and humiliation.
487
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,920
Of course if you want me to stop,
488
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,240
the safe word is independence!
489
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,560
Don't forget me if you'd like a threesome!
490
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,280
I'd like to hook up with
someone who shares my interests:
491
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,120
pubs, pubs, and long walks to a pub.
492
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,560
Oh, and no foreigners.
493
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,400
G'day, choose the wrong person
494
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,640
and you could seriously regret it,
495
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,280
as the Green Party has found
out since making me leader.
496
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,760
Hello, I'm looking for
someone who's interested
497
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,400
in Wales and Welsh issues generally.
498
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,800
Wales, Wales, Wales.
499
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,800
No, don't swipe, I wanted
to talk about Wales!
500
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,040
ParliMate; go on, try a coalition.
501
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,040
What have you got to lose
502
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,480
apart from your career
and your self-respect?
503
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,320
[sobbing]
504
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,440
[Narrator] Warning, the
popularity of coalitions
505
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,280
may go down as well as down,
always read the small print.
506
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,480
Where is he, Trevor should
have been here before me!
507
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,040
Oh, I'm sure he won't be long.
508
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,120
-Hello, m'deary.
-M'sweetness.
509
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:35,960
I'm Mel.
510
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,840
And I dress like a cool history teacher.
511
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,640
Trevor had some bad news for you.
512
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,560
-So he called in the experts.
-Eh?
513
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,760
We're going to give you
the old sugar-coated
514
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,240
-Bake Off sendoff.
-So where's my fiance?
515
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,360
-He's not coming.
-What?
516
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,680
He's got cold feet and run
off with his yoga teacher
517
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,200
like a naughty little scamp.
518
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,280
He's pulled out.
519
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,120
-Oh!
-He's into somebody else now.
520
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,920
Cor blimey, what are we like?
521
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,200
But don't worry,
bridalicious, you'll be fine.
522
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,560
Now, watch as I shimmy my jacket.
523
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,520
And I squidge my face up
like two field mice kissing.
524
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,000
[kissing]
525
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,960
So how do you feel?
526
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,600
Not bad, actually, I feel pretty good.
527
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,200
I'm going to go and get
drunk with my friends
528
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,320
at the reception.
529
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,360
You two really are adorable, aren't you?
530
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,600
-Bless.
-Aw.
531
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,280
Well, it looks like your job is done here.
532
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,680
And so is yours,
533
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,360
your favorite choir boy's
gone to the tabloids.
534
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,200
Oh!
535
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,200
Look, I'm holding my hands
up like I'm ruffling a puppy!
536
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,800
Wobbling my quiff, wobbling my quiff!
537
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,280
[rock music]
538
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,480
It's okay everyone, I'm back!
539
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,240
The election can go ahead.
540
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,720
I'm here with Home Secretary Theresa May.
541
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,520
So, Theresa, why should
people vote Conservative?
542
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,280
Because if Labour form
a pact with the SNP,
543
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,160
it will be a constitutional crisis!
544
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,760
Aren't you exaggerating a bit?
545
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,360
The oceans will turn to
blood, the skies will darken,
546
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,680
and the merciless fire
will consume us all.
547
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,680
Theresa, what would you say to people
548
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,800
who accuse you of childish scaremongering?
549
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:05,600
Boo!
550
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,360
Well, as you can see, we've
got quite a severe front
551
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,080
coming in here with this
ridge of low pressure.
552
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,240
What the fuck's going on here?
553
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,480
That's not how you do a
weather forecast these days!
554
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,280
Eh?
555
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,560
You've got to use words like
556
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,760
thunder snow, weather bomb, snowpocalypse!
557
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,680
Yes, but in meteorological terms--
558
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,840
-Fuckity bye to you, pal.
-Ow!
559
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,280
Strap yourselves in folks,
560
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,720
there's an Atlantic shit
storm heading our way,
561
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,080
with a full-on piss
blizzard of thunder wet.
562
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,480
This is no ordinary rain,
this is a weathershambles,
563
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,480
a cumulobastard, a total rain fuck.
564
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,560
It's the sort of rain
565
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,920
that would make Noah
abandon his fucking ark
566
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,200
and climb inside a blue
whale's vag for shelter.
567
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,480
Elsewhere, mostly mild with
occasional sunny spells.
568
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,360
Now, where's my fucking TARDIS?
569
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,880
I'm off to the summer of '76!
570
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,680
[rock music]
42663
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