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1
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[upbeat rock music]
2
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,760
Oh, wouldn't it be so
nice to have one of each?
3
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,800
Yeah, one common and one not common.
4
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,120
Oi, oi, saveloy!
5
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,080
Hello, Mummy, how you feeling?
6
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:18,920
Ready to drop?
7
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,640
Well, I am feeling a little--
8
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:21,760
-[balloon pops]
-[yelps]
9
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,120
-George!
-Did that do anything?
10
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:24,440
How's your waters, love?
11
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,280
Bless.
12
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:26,600
He can't wait for this baby to be born.
13
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:27,960
Too right.
14
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,840
I've got some serious heat on this.
15
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:33,280
The baby better come today or
my accumulator goes tits up!
16
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,720
What is he talking about?
17
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,240
Listen, egghead, I had
Hamilton to win the Grand Prix,
18
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,000
Villa to beat Liverpool 2-1,
19
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,160
and April the 22nd for the royal sprog!
20
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:43,720
How much have you bet on this?
21
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,840
I bunged some of these
sparklers on it, didn't I?
22
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:46,680
Diamonds?!
23
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,880
You've not been stealing
off Great-Granny again?
24
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,800
Nah, I got them somewhere else.
25
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,440
Mentioning no Hatton Gardens.
26
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,560
-Oi, oi.
-Well, don't look at me!
27
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,920
The gambling gene's
definitely from your lot.
28
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,360
-[laughs]
-Bang to rights!
29
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,680
Come on, love, do your breathing.
30
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:00,800
[panting]
31
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,280
-[air horn wails]
-[yelps]
32
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,680
[upbeat dance music]
33
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,520
[Narrator] So, Nicola
left her light on for Ed.
34
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,240
Well, let's see if they hit it off
35
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,880
when we sent them to
the Isle of Fernando's.
36
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,760
Let the bacon sandwich see the haggis.
37
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,520
Well, first of all, let
me make it quite clear
38
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,280
that I'm not actually going
to get into bed with Nicola.
39
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:26,000
His mouth says no, but his
weird, goggly eyes say yes.
40
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,160
We're a perfect fit.
41
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,800
I love a man with a sense of humor.
42
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,240
I still believe we'll end
up with a Labor majority.
43
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,960
Ha, oh, that is classic.
44
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,800
[laughs]
45
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,120
Oh, deary me.
46
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,440
It's all moving a bit fast for me.
47
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,840
I wish I was here with Natalie
Thingy, that nice Welsh lady,
48
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,000
or, better still, that
hen party from Chester.
49
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:43,840
Ooh.
50
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,760
I'm afraid Sturgeon's the
only thing on the menu.
51
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,200
No likey.
52
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,000
[Narrator] So, will Nicola get nickerless?
53
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,320
or will Red Ed escape her bed?
54
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,040
Let's cut to the chase, are
we gonna get it on or what?
55
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,160
It's a no from me.
56
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,040
Hell, no.
57
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,880
But if we did do the
getting-into-bed thingy,
58
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:01,800
who would be on top?
59
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,160
I think we both know
the answer to that, Ed.
60
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,480
I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for this.
61
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,400
I don't want to end up looking stupid.
62
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,840
-[groans]
-[loud crash]
63
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,200
At least I tried.
64
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,280
[loud thud]
65
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,600
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Jeremy.
66
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,520
Hit me with it.
67
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,080
Poor choice of words.
68
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,400
As a precautionary measure,
69
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,320
we're going to have to remove your tongue.
70
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,200
But I thought you said
I didn't have cancer.
71
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,600
It's nothing to do with cancer,
72
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,120
it's just better for everyone.
73
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,040
Now come here!
74
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,040
Whoa!
75
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,160
[epic orchestral music]
76
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,800
I am a humongous fan of Star Wars.
77
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,000
I often find myself saying
that Darth Vader line,
78
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,480
"I am your father."
79
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,120
And yours, and yours, and probably yours.
80
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:44,960
Bah!
81
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,320
Hello, this is Sky News.
82
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,400
I'm Kay Burley, poking the news
with a stick until it cries.
83
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,320
[hisses]
84
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,800
With me is double Olympic
champion Mo Farah.
85
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,360
So, Mo, what have you
got to say for yourself?
86
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,120
Well, you know, I had to
kick hard off the last bend,
87
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,320
but I finished strong--
88
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,880
You know very well what I meant.
89
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,800
I was talking about the latest atrocities
90
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,520
committed by IS in Iraq.
91
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,320
I'm sorry, what?
92
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,800
Oh, you're sorry?
93
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,920
Well, it's a little bit late
for apologies now, isn't it?
94
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,680
What are you talking about?
95
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,000
You're a Muslim, aren't you?
96
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,560
-Yeah.
-And your name's Mohammed,
97
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,440
-isn't it?
-Just because I'm a Muslim
98
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,320
doesn't mean I support terrorism.
99
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,200
You heard it!
100
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,120
He said, "I support terrorism."
101
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,160
His words.
102
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,280
That's ridiculous!
103
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,880
Listen, I need to get
back to my training camp.
104
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,040
Your training camp?
105
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,080
In Pakistan?
106
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,560
No, in America.
107
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,120
Look out, everybody, there's
a shoe bomber on the loose!
108
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,440
[hisses]
109
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,600
Ah, man.
110
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,000
[Inspector] Just through here, Mr. Holmes.
111
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,160
-Wait.
-Eh?
112
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,440
Not so fast, Inspector.
113
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,400
Moriarty has laid a booby trap for us.
114
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,240
How do you know?
115
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,520
From the faint smell of a candle
116
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,280
which was blown out 13 minutes ago,
117
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,720
together with these traces of mud
118
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,400
which can only be found in
a certain pond in Ipswich.
119
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,280
That and the fact that Moriarty
120
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:56,560
always lays a booby trap for us.
121
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,720
-[loud clack]
-[inspector screams]
122
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,920
Oh, I have been killed down dead!
123
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:00,760
[groans]
124
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:01,600
Inspector?
125
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,120
Put your weapon down or I will
attack you with, uh, logic.
126
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,840
My sonic screwdriver scans
for injuries, opens locks,
127
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,840
reverses the polarity of
stars, repairs grouting,
128
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,000
and gets you out of a plot cul-de-sac.
129
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,480
But it's no weapon,
130
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,800
you great, stretched-out,
Picasso-faced numpty.
131
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,960
Now, what are you doing in my show?
132
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:24,920
Piss off!
133
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:25,840
How dare you.
134
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,560
This is most emphatically
my show that you are in.
135
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,440
And that, you over-educated crackhead,
136
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,800
is most emphatically bollocks.
137
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,840
There's just been a
ridiculously overacted death.
138
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,480
'Ere, do you mind?
139
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,720
Which means it's an episode of Doctor Who,
140
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,600
you pudding-headed bampot.
141
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,880
Look, this investigation
clearly needs a rude,
142
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,080
abrasive, borderline-autistic genius.
143
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,920
Who's clever but annoying,
uncomfortable around women,
144
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,480
and hard to make friends with.
145
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,080
Sounds like a job for the Doctor.
146
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,400
No, Sherlock Holmes.
147
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,840
To solve this, you'll need
lots of silly gimmicks.
148
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,960
For instance, I've deduced
that in exactly 30 seconds,
149
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,360
a piece of metal is going to break off
150
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,800
from a nearby skyscraper
and land exactly here.
151
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,120
My sonic screwdriver
told me that hours ago,
152
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,640
you posh-gobbed Sassenach.
153
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,320
A-ha!
154
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,040
What if I was to tell
you I'm not really dead,
155
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,360
that I'm half-Moriarty and half-alien,
156
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,960
and I plan to get rid of
both Doctor Who and Sherlock
157
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,960
so that nothing can stop me
from enslaving the Earth?
158
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,880
That's a totally ridiculous plot line.
159
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,560
Yes, it's utterly implausible.
160
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,960
[Both] Must be one of mine.
161
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,880
Oh, somebody kill me.
162
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,600
-[loud clunk]
-[screams]
163
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,680
Told you.
164
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,680
[upbeat rock music]
165
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,520
-Kate?
-Cara?
166
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,840
I've been thinking, how do we, like,
167
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,040
even know we're really here?
168
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,000
Like, you know, that
we really, like, exist?
169
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,120
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
170
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,960
That's, like, that's really deep, Cara.
171
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,760
Oh, wait, I know.
172
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:48,720
[camera snaps]
173
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:49,600
There we are.
174
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,640
That's me there.
175
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,720
Oh, that's me!
176
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:52,640
We do exist!
177
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:53,640
Oh, thank God!
178
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,480
Hooray.
179
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,280
[laughs]
180
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,160
-Whoa.
-Crazy.
181
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,720
[Narrator] In a time of great austerity,
182
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,760
one man promised he could end suffering.
183
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,680
He was a prophet of profits.
184
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,200
Blessed are the rich, for
we shall inherit the earth.
185
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,640
[Narrator] The Passion Of Osborne.
186
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,880
[cheering]
187
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,480
A modern retelling of the Book of Gideon.
188
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,800
Rise, and be healed of your deformity.
189
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,280
By the inherited power
that surges through me,
190
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,680
I reclassify you as abled.
191
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,440
I take away your benefits.
192
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,520
Go and get a job.
193
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,360
-[loud thud]
-[groans]
194
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,520
[Man] Jesus Christ!
195
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,720
No, but you're close.
196
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,320
George Osborne.
197
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,600
'Tis a miracle.
198
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,440
[Man] Miracle!
199
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,760
-Miracle!
-It's a miracle!
200
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,800
[Narrator] He was a man with a vision.
201
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,680
If only I could turn water into wine,
202
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,560
I could put VAT on it.
203
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,440
[Narrator] And a message
of love, tough love.
204
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,120
My family goes hungry.
205
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,520
All we can afford is five
own-brand fish fingers
206
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,280
and two slices of Sunblest.
207
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:59,400
Let there be enough bread
and fishes for everyone.
208
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,520
[crowd gasps]
209
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,840
It's the same as before.
210
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,720
[crowd groans]
211
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:03,560
I know.
212
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,920
But cut them up into tiny, tiny pieces
213
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,920
and chew them very, very slowly
214
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,120
and it'll feed your
family for a whole week.
215
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,280
'Tis a miracle.
216
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,200
No, it's not.
217
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,320
He's a charlatan.
218
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,640
[Man] Charlatan, he's a charlatan!
219
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,040
-Charlatan!
-Boo!
220
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:22,240
[Narrator] This spring, don't
miss The Passion of Osborne.
221
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:24,240
You know, George,
222
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,160
I've a feeling we're gonna
get crucified at the election.
223
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,760
There is a God!
224
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,280
[Narrator] Going soon.
225
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,400
[Narrator] Meanwhile, in Highgrove,
226
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,680
Chaz and Camilla are enjoying
227
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,480
their fifth bottle of organic wine.
228
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,840
[gurgles]
229
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,800
[chuckles]
230
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,800
Ooh, Chaz, look.
231
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,400
It's Game of Thrones.
232
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,000
Oh, please!
233
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,840
A bunch of deranged inbreds,
234
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,960
scrapping it out for
the chance to rule over
235
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,160
an insignificant island of
backwards, filthy peasants?
236
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,760
As if that would ever happen.
237
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,200
The nudity's good, though.
238
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,360
Ooh, come here, you.
239
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:00,720
[slurping]
240
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,680
[dog whines]
241
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,520
[loud honking]
242
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,960
Oh, I'm so sorry.
243
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,520
Ah, the Star Wars trailer looks fantastic.
244
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,160
High-tech drones killing people
245
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,920
in a land that's far, far away.
246
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,840
That's my kind of war!
247
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:15,760
[knocking]
248
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,800
Come in, but only if you're British.
249
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,440
[Woman] Two minutes, Mr. Farage.
250
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,200
Remember, Nige, if they don't like you,
251
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,480
it's the audience's fault.
252
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,360
Bunch of lefties.
253
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,360
Now, let's get into character.
254
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,720
♪ I'm just an ordinary bloke ♪
255
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,400
♪ I like a drink, I like a smoke ♪
256
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,600
♪ I'm proud to say I'm
British through and through ♪
257
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,320
♪ I love pie and mash and kippers ♪
258
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,000
♪ I watch Top Gear in me slippers ♪
259
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,040
♪ I am down-to-earth ♪
260
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,400
-♪ Like any one of you ♪
-Ahem.
261
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,120
♪ But you really went to Dulwich ♪
262
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,760
♪ An expensive private college ♪
263
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,160
♪ Where the boarding fees
are 30 grand a year ♪
264
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,880
♪ Then you went into the city ♪
265
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,560
♪ Where you know you made a pretty ♪
266
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,320
♪ Packet picking up a bonus ♪
267
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,000
-♪ Every year ♪
-No!
268
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000
♪ I'm just an ordinary guy ♪
269
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,800
♪ Who has to struggle to get by ♪
270
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,800
♪ Hardly got a pot in which to piss ♪
271
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,520
♪ I don't like foreign lingo ♪
272
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,240
♪ I like John, Paul, George, and Ringo ♪
273
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,640
♪ Poles and Romanians, I love to diss ♪
274
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,320
♪ I think foreigners are vermin ♪
275
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,080
♪ But, hang on, your wife's a German ♪
276
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,560
♪ I'm English to the core ♪
277
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,880
♪ That's just a show ♪
278
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,400
-Sod off!
-♪ I'll admit you've played ♪
279
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,240
♪ A smart game ♪
280
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,840
♪ But you've got a foreign surname ♪
281
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,800
♪ And your ancestors from
France were Huguenot ♪
282
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:21,640
-No!
-Yes!
283
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,400
-No!
-Yes, mais oui!
284
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,760
♪ Hey, I'm just an ordinary man ♪
285
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,400
♪ Who's doing everything he can ♪
286
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,640
♪ To fight against corruption,
greed, and sleaze ♪
287
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,240
♪ Even when I am in Brussels ♪
288
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,000
♪ I eat cockles, whelks, and mussels ♪
289
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,440
♪ I'm not like all those fat-cat MEPs ♪
290
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,080
♪ But what doesn't quite make sense is ♪
291
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,760
♪ You've been claiming your expenses ♪
292
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,240
♪ Maybe half a million
quid over the years ♪
293
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,840
♪ You're abusing your position ♪
294
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,600
♪ Just like any politician ♪
295
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,240
♪ But it seems that no one's noticed ♪
296
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,920
[laughs]
297
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:51,760
Cheers!
298
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,120
♪ Da da da da da da, da ♪
299
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,640
♪ Da da da da da da, da da da ♪
300
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,200
I say, old bean, got any champagne?
301
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,080
Shut it.
302
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,400
[belches]
303
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,600
A boy band called Boy Band.
304
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,480
Genius.
305
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:07,240
Simon, why is your production
company called Syco?
306
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,560
Okay, Amanda, well, it's Sy
from Simon and Co from Cowell.
307
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,760
-Syco.
-Right.
308
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,040
Sort of like SuBo and J-Lo?
309
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,680
-Yeah.
-In that case,
310
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,400
I want to be called A-Ho.
311
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,640
You want to be called a ho?
312
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,040
Yes. No!
313
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,680
[laughs]
314
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,520
A ho.
315
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,320
Blimey.
316
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,200
That's definitely not right.
317
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,120
Amanda, darling, you are an A-hole.
318
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,280
That's it.
319
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,120
A-Hole.
320
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:33,920
Thank you.
321
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,200
I can't wait to tell Alesha.
322
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,280
Hey, Alesha Dixon, she can be A-Dick.
323
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,520
Booyakasha.
324
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,400
I'm Evan Davis.
325
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,520
Sort of like a gay Mitchell
brother who reads the Guardian.
326
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,800
On tonight's
not-at-all-dumbed-down Newz Nite,
327
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,520
I'll be having top-quality bants
328
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,920
with Green Party leader Natalie Thingy.
329
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,800
OMG, sick, LOL.
330
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,520
Natalie, some people are saying
that for a political leader,
331
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,520
you aren't very good with figures.
332
00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,360
Look, mate,
333
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,400
I just got confused in that
Nick Ferrari interview.
334
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,760
And in the Andrew Neil interview.
335
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,160
Okay, so it's happened three times.
336
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,680
No, Ferrari and Neil, that's twice.
337
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,520
Twice?
338
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,800
You mean four times?
339
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,560
No, twice means two times.
340
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,320
Okay, I admit it, maths
has never been my thirte.
341
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,160
You mean forte.
342
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,120
I don't need to listen to this.
343
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,120
This is the last time I come on BBC 9.
344
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:20,960
Taxi!
345
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,040
Uh, does anyone know my house number?
346
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:25,880
Shakaboom!
347
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,080
[Narrator] Still available
to buy, Vladimir Putin 2015.
348
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,600
My sexy new calendar for women only
349
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,400
and not to be liked by men.
350
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,680
[Narrator] Check out April.
351
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:43,240
Ooh, I bet you'd like to
get your hands on my weapon.
352
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,880
But are you man enough?
353
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,720
I mean, woman enough?
354
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,880
-[chuckles]
-And don't miss June.
355
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,280
I like play tennis.
356
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,920
Is not girly sport, but real man's game.
357
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,000
Look at my firm grip on the shaft.
358
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,760
Ah, I couldn't find tennis ball.
359
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:00,680
[loud squeal]
360
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,840
So, I ripped off one of my own testicles.
361
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,800
-[loud splat]
-New balls, please.
362
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,560
So, buy my sexy calendar now
or I'll fly more bombers in.
363
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,040
You know I will.
364
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:16,360
[dramatic synthesizer music]
365
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,600
Looking for action, love?
366
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,600
Uh, will you talk dirty to me?
367
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,080
-[grunts]
-[loud thud]
368
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,400
I'll talk dirty for you.
369
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,280
Sick as you like.
370
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,200
Filthy as a coal miner's neck.
371
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,320
Katie Hopkins?
372
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,200
What do you want, darling?
373
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,680
I'll say literally anything
if the price is right.
374
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,760
Just bung us some cash
and I'll puke you out
375
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,400
a gob-full of knee-jerk,
pretend-angry drivel.
376
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,400
I'm like Jeremy Clarkson with a vagina.
377
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,200
Full of wasps.
378
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,360
-[glugging]
-[man groans]
379
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,240
-[loud thud]
-[cat screeches]
380
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,120
Okay, for a tenner, I'll give
you a bit of my Sun column
381
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,720
and say something like, all
migrants are cockroaches.
382
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,680
We should set fire to their boats.
383
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,320
Oh, that's filthy.
384
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,600
[cat mews]
385
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,040
Oh, my God.
386
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,560
Cat piss and nettles.
387
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,720
Got to stoke the boiler.
388
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,320
For a hundred pounds, I'd give
you a Loose Women Special,
389
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,000
and say something like,
hey, rape's not so bad.
390
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,840
Sometimes, it can be
relaxing and refreshing.
391
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,440
Or, if you gave me 500 pounds,
392
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,120
I'd do you a full-blown Newsnight,
393
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,120
denounce Islam, then set
fire to Malala's headscarf
394
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,400
and punch her in the tits.
395
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,360
Oh, you're sick.
396
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,080
Have you seen her monobrow?
397
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,640
Come on, love, just because
you've been shot in the head,
398
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,000
doesn't mean you can't
work a pair of tweezers.
399
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,280
How can you say that?!
400
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,680
I know, I'm the best.
401
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,400
Stop, I'll give you a thousand pounds.
402
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,400
A grand?
403
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,680
Wow, what do you want me to say for that?
404
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,600
Nothing, just shut your
bloody gob, you parasite!
405
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,600
[mumbling]
406
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,240
[epic orchestral music]
407
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,080
It's great to see Harrison
Ford back at the age of 72,
408
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,200
and I, for one, think he
makes a perfectly convincing
409
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,080
space cowboy and is in no
way too old for the job.
410
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,960
Right, time for my nap.
411
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,280
-[snores]
-[loud thud]
412
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,640
[upbeat dance music]
413
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,880
Hello, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.
414
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,440
If you're a fan of
excruciating embarrassment,
415
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,760
you're in for a treat,
as on tonight's show,
416
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,960
we've got Labor leader Ed Miliband.
417
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:02,880
Hi there.
418
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,000
Now, what's the problem?
419
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,360
It's my skin.
420
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,560
Oh, excellent, so, what is it?
421
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,720
Lesions, pustules, weeping sores?
422
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,240
No, I just don't feel comfortable in it.
423
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,640
My skin just doesn't fit.
424
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:15,480
See?
425
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,960
Nothing about me fits.
426
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,760
I'm just wrong.
427
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,200
What I need is a version
of me that's like me,
428
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,240
but completely at ease in their own skin.
429
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,480
Are you gonna call your
brother or shall I?
430
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,360
Ow.
431
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,920
[upbeat synthesizer music]
432
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:51,760
I never thought I'd say
this, but it's a no from me.
433
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,760
[siren wailing]
434
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:54,560
Name?
435
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,800
It's TV's Paul Hollywood.
436
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,120
The Prince of Pastry,
the Don Juan of Dough.
437
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,360
You're not on the guest list.
438
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,400
Look again.
439
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,760
Paul Hollywood.
440
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,960
The Romeo of the Rolling Pin.
441
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,320
Eyes that can simultaneously weigh up
442
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,520
an ounce of icing sugar
and reverse a hysterectomy.
443
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:12,640
[chuckles]
444
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,520
Nope.
445
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,800
I'm sorry, you're not coming in.
446
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:15,640
Come on.
447
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,920
You know later, when
your husband's asleep,
448
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,640
I'll be haunting your dreams,
like a sexy baking ghost.
449
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,320
For one, I'm not married.
450
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,760
Ooh, a bit forward.
451
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,200
Sorry, I'm taken.
452
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,240
Paul Holly-would, Paul Holly-can't.
453
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,160
Although, Paul Holly-might,
454
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,200
if you let me explore your inner sanctum.
455
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,080
I'm giving you 10 seconds to leave.
456
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,800
Oh, I love it when you're bossy.
457
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,160
10, nine--
458
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,240
Is he doing his
chef-with-the-biggest-rolling-pin
459
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,680
-act again?
-[Paul chuckles]
460
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,880
Come on, Paul, stop embarrassing yourself
461
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,880
and let's get you home for tea.
462
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:47,800
Tea?
463
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:48,800
Cheeky.
464
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,000
I'll be chef if you play mother.
465
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,600
-[loud thud]
-[groans]
466
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,280
Right in the rock cakes.
467
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,640
-[groans]
-[loud thud]
468
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,800
[upbeat rock music]
469
00:15:58,800 --> 00:15:59,920
Hello, campers.
470
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,760
On a jam-packed show tonight, we've got,
471
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,920
oh, he's a Right Honorable
Member, Ed Balls.
472
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:06,760
Hello.
473
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,760
Stargazy, salt-and-pepper,
super-boffin Brian Cox.
474
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,240
-All right?
-And, ooh, get this one,
475
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:17,120
we've only got His Royal
Highness himself, Prince William!
476
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,560
-Hi.
-So, coming up
477
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,080
we've got Cox, Balls, and Prince Willy!
478
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,840
Cox, Balls, and Willy.
479
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,160
Cox, Balls, and Willy!
480
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,960
Cox, Balls, and Willy!
481
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,600
Cox, Balls, and Willy!
482
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,520
-Cox, Balls, and Willy!
-[steam whistling]
483
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,400
Cox, Balls, and Willy!
484
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,160
Cox, Balls, and Willy!
485
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,720
[loud boom]
486
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,520
Cox, Balls, and Willy.
487
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,200
Ha, never mind the trailer,
I've seen the whole movie.
488
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,800
I hacked the movie studio computer.
489
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,600
Mm!
490
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,760
Anyway, I don't like Star Wars
491
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,520
because the evil empire never wins.
492
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,320
[upbeat orchestral music]
493
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,600
-[loud crash]
-Woo-hoo!
494
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,280
-[loud thud]
-[loud crash]
495
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,560
Whoops, oh, no matter,
it's only Maggie's ashes.
496
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,880
[laughs]
497
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600
Ah, Boris, thanks for dropping by.
498
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,480
Oh, sorry I'm late.
499
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,360
Engineering works on the old zip-wire.
500
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,520
Anyway, what can I do for you?
501
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,400
Well, the thing is we've
commissioned some research
502
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,400
and, apparently, for some
reason, people don't like us.
503
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,080
And yet, incredibly, Boris,
they seem to like you.
504
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:20,920
Really?
505
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,960
Gosh, shucks, and other
insincere protestations.
506
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,400
Our research has found that
507
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,360
while people don't like rich
bullies and don't like clowns,
508
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,200
when you put the two together,
509
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,160
you can apparently get away with it.
510
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,000
Huzzah!
511
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,200
We need you to show us
512
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,880
how to get away with being truly terrible.
513
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:41,480
Well, you just need to use
your natural charm and wit.
514
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,960
Okay, plan B: clown school.
515
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,760
So, chaps, say you've
wimped out of a debate
516
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,600
and everyone thinks you're
a gutless jellyfish.
517
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,280
Could happen, could happen.
518
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,240
What level of japery would deflect
519
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,800
everyone's attention from that?
520
00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,600
Oh, I know.
521
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,440
Spinny tie.
522
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,600
Not bad, Cammers, not bad.
523
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,080
Everyone loves the spinny tie,
524
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,960
but this is a real
stinker of a PR disaster,
525
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
so can we do better?
526
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,960
Ooh, ooh, ooh, custard pie?
527
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,560
No, that's for minor faux pas.
528
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:16,640
Is it this?
529
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,880
-[firework whistling]
-[all whimpering]
530
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,120
-(groans
-(loud splat)
531
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,120
[loud thud]
532
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,000
Correct!
533
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,320
Ah, well done, Cammers.
534
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,880
Set off some fireworks and fall backwards
535
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,840
into a nearby houseplant or hedge.
536
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,080
Well, that's just about covered it.
537
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,080
Must be off on the old zip-wire.
538
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,040
I was meaning to ask,
539
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,320
why do you have a zip-wire
set up to Number 10?
540
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,760
Forward planning, old boy.
541
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,360
Forward planning.
542
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,440
[Narrator] Vladimir Putin calendars,
543
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,040
still available in all good Russian shops.
544
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,640
Unlike fresh fruit.
545
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,520
[Narrator] You'll love August.
546
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,880
For next holiday, I go to Isle of Man.
547
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,560
Is manly place for manly men.
548
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,080
I plan to spend a couple of
nights in Douglas, [chuckles]
549
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,800
which is the capital.
550
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,560
[Narrator] And there's also December.
551
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:02,880
Or is there?
552
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:03,760
Boom!
553
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,000
There might never be another December.
554
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,040
[laughs]
555
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,680
Just kidding.
556
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,240
No, I'm not.
557
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,960
So, hurry, get your
copy of Putin calendar,
558
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,080
while world lasts.
559
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,240
[Narrator] Calendar not
available in Eastern Ukraine,
560
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,840
because there is no such place.
561
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,080
It's part of Russia.
562
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,120
Is true.
563
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:22,960
Knowing wink.
564
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,200
[door clacking]
565
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,040
-Oi!
-Eh?
566
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,480
What the hell's going on?
567
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,640
Don't worry, everything's under control.
568
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,240
He's burgling your house,
569
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,920
but I'm here as a moderating influence.
570
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,400
He's taking my things!
571
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,760
I know, but not as many
things as he would have taken
572
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,200
if good old Cleggy
hadn't been on his case.
573
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,480
-[whistles]
-[chuckles]
574
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,520
-Lovely.
-But, but how did he get in?
575
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,520
Well, he couldn't get in on his own,
576
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,200
so I gave him a helping hand.
577
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,840
He's robbing me blind!
578
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,560
Ah, well, watch this.
579
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,880
Okay, stop now.
580
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:55,960
That's quite enough.
581
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:56,840
Piss off.
582
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,960
-[loud slap]
-[groans]
583
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,120
If you're lucky, you'll get
another five years of this.
584
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,840
I'm so excited.
585
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,000
As a young boy and
aspiring astrophysicist,
586
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,800
I would gaze at the stars
from my bedroom window
587
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,640
and think about Princess Leia's
baps in that metal bikini.
588
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:13,640
Amazing.
589
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,520
[Narrator] You join us today
for this historic ceremony.
590
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,040
It is rare indeed for
a Royal to acknowledge
591
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,600
that the passage of time
means they can no longer
592
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,280
properly perform their state duties
593
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,280
and must hand the mantle
onto the younger generation.
594
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,560
Yes!
595
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,640
At last!
596
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,840
Not me.
597
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,080
-Philip!
-Oh.
598
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,560
Yeah, shut up, you jug-eared buffoon.
599
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,760
Let the little leek-muncher
get on with it.
600
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,800
[Narrator] Thank you, I suppose.
601
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,320
And His Royal Highness
Prince Philip now prepares
602
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,800
to hand over the
ceremonial stick of office,
603
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,680
along with the title Offender of the Realm
604
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,320
to his successor, Jeremy Clarkson.
605
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,720
My, what a massive knob.
606
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,560
And so's the thing he's holding.
607
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,320
Oh, he's good, isn't he?
608
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,280
Yeah.
609
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,040
Do you swear to travel the world
610
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,080
and racially insult everybody you meet,
611
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,000
no matter how old, infirm,
or defenseless they are?
612
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,880
I do, you slitty-eyed plate-smasher.
613
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,840
Do you swear to swear?
614
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,240
I fucking do.
615
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,440
And finally, do you swear
to embarrass your family
616
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,160
and bring disgrace on the nation?
617
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,000
I do indeed, you doddery old moussaka.
618
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,400
You offensive fuzzy-haired git!
619
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,560
-[loud clunk]
-[groans]
620
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,440
You're a worthy successor.
621
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:29,280
Oh, you just hit me for no good reason.
622
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,040
You're my kind of guy.
623
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,960
Then I hereby name thee
Offender of the Realm.
624
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,960
May you forever disgust all
liberal broadsheet readers.
625
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,520
Congratulations, Mr. Clarkson.
626
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,240
I'm surprised you didn't
go with Katie Hopkins.
627
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,760
How did you choose?
628
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,760
Hm, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a--
629
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,040
Don't push it.
630
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,040
[upbeat rock music]
44070
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