Original subtitles

Oh, Cece. Are you two kids back together?

She wishes.No, plumbing's out-- severe clogging.

I'm sorry I asked.This is what happens.

Four models with protein deficiencies,

sharing a shower. [laughs]

They shed like a... like a four-dollar Christmas sweater.

Guys, guess what?

I just made a breakthrough with a student.

Yeah, it's true.

[humming]

Don't, please.Uh, Jess?

You know we love you, we all support you...

♪ I'm breaking through with students. ♪

...but when you do things like this, I'm sorry... bowl.

Okay.

It's just not satisfying.

I think it is. Okay.

You said you had a breakthrough.

It's just a whole new world teaching adults.

This week, I gave them an assignment.

I said write whatever you want

just load it up with descriptive imagery.

MAN: My fluffy pillow,

my yellowy fluffy pillow,

next to my dog, my hairy dog, my beloved hairy dog,

while I diddle myself.

Excellent.

He was a merman.

He was the last of his kind,

and he needed a mother for his mer-child.

He was not a mer-gentleman.

Can't wait to hear more.

I just can't connect with them and I don't know why.

Look, Jess, you can't teach people how to write.

Not true.I say that as a writer.

Also not true.A writing class is for

somebody who doesn't think lyrically in terms of,

like, poetic words that just... are strung...

You said you had a breakthrough.

So I have this student whose name

is Edgar and he was not getting it.

And then today

he turned in this amazing story.

Nick, actually, you should read this.

Writers don't read-- we write.

Jessica Day calls it "A must read."

Look at that font.

What is this amateur hour?

At least use Palatino.

WINSTON: Good evening, everyone.

Or should I say morning?

Hey, Winston.

Do you guys have any agave?

We might have some pressed lentil syrup

in the mixin's cabinet.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness. Okay, uh...

Okay, you know what?Hey, look...

I just felt the side, the side

anyway, so it's...I didn't mean to...

CECE: It's fine, it's...

Other way, now.

I will fight you, Jack.No, not again.

Not... no!

No!Jump out the way, Jessica?

What the hell is wrong with you just waving

that thing around like an idiot?

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪

♪ It's Jess.

[whistles]

Guys, listen to this.

"By day, I'm a plumber.

By night, I'm a stalker."

You read it.

"I sit in the bushes

wearing a gimp costume, stalking my prey."

He's the first person I got

to use first person narrative.

♪ I'm an amazing teacher.

Very engaging, keep going. I'm hooked.

Okay, "My prey is a deer.

"Her eyes are big, too big.

"Before she can blink those big eyes,

"I'm stabbing her.

"I stab and stab.

I love stabbing."

Sounds like he likes stabbing.

"After all the stabbing..."

It's repetitive, but...

"...I wash my hands

in her dark red blood"?!

Listen to that detail.

This man is psychotic.

It's fiction.

There's no such thing as a gimp costume.

No, gimp costume's a real thing.That's a real thing.

You've seen me in one before.

I just don't think you should be in a room

with this creep, twice a week.

It is not safe.

Are you worried about me, Miller?

Yeah, I'm a little worried about you.

And if you won't do

anything about it, then I'm taking

into my own hands.

I'm doing a little investigation.

Investigating? Please.

You're just gonna Google his name.

I am way beyond that.

You're typing his name into Google.

We can all see the screen.See the screen, dude.

This is a private investigation!

Are you... I wanted to talk to you

about the...

regrettable contact

between Cece's...

her-her down there

and my, uh...

my parts.

You practically shish-kebabbed her.

Is this something I should apologize for?

Just let it go, man.

You pogo'd her.

I'm sorry, what did you say, "pogo"?

I didn't, um...I heard

"Pogo"-- what is that?

[sighs]

Look, Winston, fine.

It's what we call what you did

this morning, okay?

It's a short... it's a shorthand.

Why do you have a shorthand, Schmidt,

because it happens so often?

You pogo'd me once.

You pogo'd Jess twice.Hey, it's not sexual.

Nick's never been pogo'd directly.

You did get his pizza one time... which, by the way,

is a whole nother debate-- how did you not feel that?

Let me get this straight--

you guys sit around and talk about this?

Your penis actually changed the channel,

uh, when we were watching the Bears game once.

You don't think me, Nick and Jess

talk about you behind your back?

Because we do.

You have more pogos than anyone.

You are completely misusing the word pogo.

You are the pogo king.

Pogo king. [laughs]

Pogo king?

So I wanted to talk about your creative imagery assignments.

Wow, guys.

I really felt like I was buried

under a giant, gleaming, powdery

avalanche of adjectives.

Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best

teacher of adults?Oh, no.

I wonder if there's room for one more?No!

How you guys doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood.

Not now, okay?I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine.

I'm here to learn how to write short fiction.

Oh, okay, Julius, just...

take a seat and, um,

keep small.

I'm from Chicago.

Thin-crust pizza? No, thank you.

I'm from Chicago.

So, for a fun follow-up...

Sorry, I'm late.No, problem, Edgar.

[mouthing]We're just going over our

descriptive imagery.I'm sorry, dear,

I can't hear you.Mr. Pepperwood?

I'm gonna move closer, if you don't mind.

No, you don't have to go... stay over there.

How you doing, pal?

I'm Julius Pepperwood.Edgar.

What are you doing?If you don't mind me asking,

why are you late today, Edgar?

Uh, traffic, it really killed me.

It killed you?Mr. Pepperwood.

Would you say that it stabbed you?

Say that again?

How about glasses on or off?

Teach, if I keep them on,

am I a bad boy?Hey.

All right, honey, I'll take them off.

Whoa, that's a whole different lens to see that blue dress.

No.

Okay, let's refocus.

Um, let's talk about the, um,

four classifications of conflict.

We talked about it last week.

It's in the workbook, um...

Anybody want to help me?

Four classifications of conflict?

Anybody? Anybody...

So, no one has signed up for office hours and I just want

you to know that you can talk to me about anything.

Adios.Anything at all.

What are you doing?

Nothing, man, you look good in your Dockers.

What? Nothing happened. I'm Julius Pepperwood.

Let it go.

Whoops.

Why did you do that?The wind.

[quietly]: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's good.Oh, everything's fine, bro.

What's happening right now?

Sorry, Edgar, um, I really

loved your story.

Um, I wanted to give you

some notes-- is there any time

you could come in... to office hours?

Yeah, that be really cool.

I'm really excited.

Um, I'm available anytime, so...

I'll check my calendar.Yup.

Can't get service over here.

Wednesday I got to go to the bird store.

Uh, what about Wednesday afternoon?

He's my uncle.

Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home.

I know what my pogo is.

It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake.

[hissing quietly]

Yeah, not even close, Schmidt.

What are you talk... I know this is it, man.

Is it that I barge into people's showers?

It's my caterpillar eyebrows-- well, look.

[whooshes] [screams]

They're gone.

Nick, you've gone way too far! Way too far.

Well, if you're here for Edgar's notebook, you're too late.

Where's the notebook?

Nick!

What's my one rule?

It's to not steal your yarn.

Don't steal my yarn, man.

It's my one thing.

But look at what was inside of his notebook.

Okay, he was doodling in class, Nick.

Weapons dripping with blood?

That is not a doodle.

What are you, the doodle police?

[snickers]

There's no doodle police, are there? Really?

I can't believe you still don't believe me.

Jessica...

Exhibit D.

He did this.

I'm going to Edgar's house, I'm looking for more proof.

No, Nick, you're not spying on the one student

that I have a connection with.

I have the address right here. No.

Give me the... No!

I have the address memorized.Fine, then I'm coming, too.

To bail you out of jail when you get arrested for trespassing.

Fine, then you'll see that I was right. Fine!

And you'll also see who gets there first.

Maybe we should take one car.

Just, like, for the environment.

Yeah, that makes sense-- we can drive together.

Fine! Fine!

It's my mole, isn't it?

Well, consider it gone.

Game, set, pogo.

Chill out, man, it's not your mole.

Just tell me, this is the worst.

This is not the worst, Schmidt-- the worst

is actually knowing.

Knowing that your friends

sit around every single night

talking about your pogo.

What's a pogo?

Those brows don't freak you out?

Nah, I've seen worse.

A pogo is what your friends talk about

when you leave the room.

Oh, like your barnacle toenails?

Uh... Sch...

You guys talk about my toenails?

[laughs] Never...

talk about your toenails, Sch... Schmidt.

I know my toenails are a little rugged.

Woodsy.

I mean, I have never wondered

if you could shimmy up a palm tree.

But it's because I have a keratin surplus, I mean...

They're not that bad, look at these things.

Aah! Schmidt!Ew!

It looks like an open Swiss Army knife.

Most of them are hard, but one of them is really, really soft.

I know, I know, I know-- we'll just talk about what my pogo is.

What's my pogo?

Is it the way I say "pan"?

Pan, pan, pan.

Look, Cece, this is more of just a loft thing.

Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have

calcified mongrel toes!

[toenails clicking on floor]

Things sound like a dang ol' crab.

NICK: There it is.

If anything's gonna go down, we need a safe word.

Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it go down.

If Pepperwood taught me anything--There's no Pepperwood.

never get caught without a safe word.

We're gonna go with "apricot."

That's way too normal. We need to, like,

go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."

What? I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.

Why do you use "apricot" so much?

What am I supposed to call them-- "sweet tangy balls"?

Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.

Well, that's why we can't use...

Nick... Nick...

Nick, oh!

[whispering]: Shh! Come on...

Nick... Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.

You look ridiculous.

If we're hiding from people,

why does it matter what I call you?I got my eyes

and you get my six.No, no, what does this mean?

I'm pretty sure this...This means "right turn bicycle."

No, I'm pretty sure this means "stop..."It means "right turn."

Nick, seriously-- use your words.

Don't use freaking SWAT sign language.Okay, these are my words.

[door opens]NICK: Oh!

Apricot, apricot, apricot.

Close your mouth, close your eyes.

Edgar lives with his mother. Of course he does.

So? A lot of normal people live with their mothers.

Like my Uncle Randy.

He can't go near parks. He was cleared.

You've got to...[vehicle approaches]

[shrieks] Apricot! Apricot!

Get over here now!

Oh, my God.Oh, my God.

What's in that duffel bag?

He's the plumber from the story.

How did I not see this before?What was I saying?

Oh, my God, you were right.Yes, say that again,

say that again, say that again.You were right, you were right, you were right about everything.

Don't ever forget you're saying it! Oh, my God,

I can't believe you were right. I was right about everything!

What the hell is in that duffel bag?

I don't know. No, Nick.

Nick, you're gonna get us killed. Let's get down.

Nick... Nick...

Shh.

[ringtone]: ♪ I'm so excited...

Oh, my... Jessica, turn it off.

Turn it off!Oh, my God, it's Edgar. What do I do?

You turn it... Here.

Turn it off. I don't know how to do this. Okay.

[ringtone stops, door opens]

Oh, my God. Get the hell out of here.

Jess, what are you doing?

That is ridiculous. There was plenty of room.

It seemed like a good idea.

Why would you go under a van?

Let's leave.

WINSTON: Keep still...You will not believe what just happened.

Nick was right.I was right.

Oh, my God, what happened to your eyebrows?

You look like Audrey Hepburn.

Do we own an industrial-size paper cutter?

Ugh! [gasps] Oh, whatever.

What the hell is that? So close to the eating area!

Winston told me that you guys make fun of my gremlin toenails.

That you call them "clickety- clacks" or "centaur boots."

What is wrong with you, Winston?

What iswrong with me? Besides my pogo.

I told him. It just kind of popped out.

You understand what that's like, right, Winston?

Okay, you know what? Don't act like

we don't talk about you two behind your backs.

Because we do. You both have pogos, my friends.

Okay, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves

if this conversation is worth ruining our friendships over.

Tell me my pogo.

I need to know my pogo.

You guys need to tell me. I can take it. Lay it on me!

You know, it's kind of a loft thing. Is it my pies?

Are they too tart?

Pies can't be a pogo, okay?

My koala claws, now that's a pogo!

At least you can hide

your pogo in a shoe.

They make shoes for your penis-- they're called pants!

Tell me my pogo.Jessica, no.

Tell me my pogo!You're a know-it-all!

Huge know-it-all. The worst.

Oh, I'm the worst know-it-all in the world?

Please. Hate hyperbolic speak. Please.

Now you know your pogo, you truly know it all.

There I go being a smart-ass again.

I mean, that, that could be my pogo.

And then there was one.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm sure that you guys have stuff

you laugh at me behind my back.

We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.

Yeah. We're worried about you.

You're worried about me?

We're worried that you're not gonna make it.

Make it to what?Just in general.

'Cause you don't take care of yourself.

Sometimes I'll crumple up vitamins

and I'll put them in your food.

We all take turns sneaking money into your pants pockets

before we put them in the dryer.

Yeah? Well, I hope you're happy.

The pogos are out.

The loft dynamic is ruined.

[high voice]: But what if I talk like a baby?

You're still hot. That's all we're gonna talk about.

A tiny little baby!

Cut into these, please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh...! A ladder...

That'll work too.

[grunting]

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is... this is very bad.

Oh, no, oh, no-- no, no- no-no-no-no-- oh, God, oh, God.

♪ I'm so excited...

Hello.

Jess, he wants to kill you!What...?

I am in his shed right nowWhat?

and there are drawings on the wall of you,

and bloody weapons

and googly eyes.

Googly eyes are actually kind of sexy, but that's beside...

a room alone with this guy. Jess, I will not let you be in

You're the deer in his story.

He wants to kill you.

You're the deer, you're the deer, you're the deer.

I'm at school and I'm doing office hours...

Get out now!Okay, I'll just, I'll just keep you on the line,

and then I'll say the safe word, okay?

I'll just say it like... Apricots! Apricots!

Good. Yeah, yeah, that's what you say if you see Edgar.

Apricots! Really, apricots!

Oh, no. Okay, okay, stop it.

He's there. Okay.

I thought it was gonna be "dragon slippers."

Is this a bad time or...?

No, no, no, no. I just have a deaf grocer.

Apricots! Apricots!

And butter.

I'm coming.

Oh! Ho-ho!

Welcome to office hours. Um...

I found my ending.Yeah?

It's pretty risky. I'm not sure

I'm gonna be able to get away with it.

[chuckles]

[grunts] Oh!

Remember when you told me

to base my characters on people from my own life?

Well, I based one on you.

So flattered.And then I realized

that there was only one way for the story to end.

You need to die.

[softly]: Apricot, apricot.

No! ♪ Hey...!

♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh...!

♪ Look at that notebook.

[groaning]

You said, "Great literature is surprising."

What's more surprising than killing your main character?

What about this-- go with me-- what if, um,

what if my character lives and the book just goes on?

Imagine coming to the end of the book,

and then just finding a lot more book.

Surprise.

♪ I'm so excited Um, oh.

♪ And I just can't hide it... I heard that song yesterday.

This song is everywhere these days.

Were you at my house?

Okay, thank you. Good-bye.No.

No! No!I have to go... right now.

Apricot's leaving! Apricot's leaving!

Oh, good. I'm so happy you're alive.

Okay, stay inside and lock the door.

I am coming. I am going to protect you... [groans]

Nick?! Pepperwood! Nick!?

Burglar?! He's not a burglar.

He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago.

Let's get him in the house.

The D.A.'s gonna have my badge for this.

No! Get off of him!

You kill him, you kill me, too!

Get away from my Edgar!

[both screaming]

My eyes! Oh!

My giant eyes! [screams]

You thought I was a murderer?

You thought I was a murderer of people?

You said you were gonna kill me, so I don't know.

Your character... in my graphic novel.

He's an excellent artist.Okay, but your drawings,

they don't have any eyes.

Hate drawing eyes. It's weird.He can't draw eyes.

There's a reason for everything.

What about the duffel bag?

BOTH: Don't ask about the duffel bag!

Bitch.

Whoa, whoa!Whoa! Hey, man.

Hey, take this as a compliment, pal.

Your stories are so real.

Well, it's because what you taught me.

You listened?

Well, of course I listened. You were a good teacher.

Until you thought I was a murderer and you broke into my shed.

Aw! You were my favorite student until

I thought you were a murderer.

Ah... Your son's a really great writer.

He's not my son.Oh! Are you kidding?! Really?!

EDGAR: Real nice, you two.

Come here, baby.

Mm! God, you smell like waffles.

I love it. Did you just make some waffles?

Want to eat me up? Yes, I do.

I'll meet you inside. I'm gonna get the duffel bag.

Yes, do. Okay.

Hey, Nick. Hey.

What are you doing up?

I'm just taking care of myself.

Are you putting butter on bacon?

I don't want it to stick to the pan.

Okay, did you...?

Great.

It's just what bacon needs,

more fat.

And salt.

What's this?Don't read that. I'm not finished...

"Julius Pepperwood: Zombie Detective"?

All his murder victims are already dead,

so they obviously don't need a detective. I'm working on it.

"The night was inky hot."Don't do this.

"She strode into his office with a sense of purpose, place,

another word here, question mark."

I'm looking for another "P" word there.

"She had zombie legs that went on for miles.

"They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into.

"Pepperwood had two friends-- one, if you count his hat.

The other was his gal Friday, Jessica Night."

It's not you, Jess.

"She was small in stature, but not in spunk.

And a super annoying know-it-all."

Good evening.

Hello.

Oh, bacon.

Where the hell did you come from?

I came from my room.

No, I didn't hear the pitter- patter of your disgusting feet.

I cut my toenails. Yeah, the soaking really worked.

Look at that. They're gorgeous now.

Went down a full shoe size.Guys! Fire!

Whoa, whoa!Oh, my God!

Everybody relax!Call a fireman!

You call the fireman!I'm the fireman.

You can't put out a grease fire with water!

You have to smother it!

Why didn't you say that before?!

I don't want to be a know-it-all!

You're so stupid!Shut up!

Whoo! Oh! Nice!

Yes!

Amazing, my man! Whoa.Whoa.

Honestly, I didn't know you were gonna put your arm around me.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, you put up your pup tent in front of the fire.

WINSTON: It's involuntary.

It is a combination of adrenaline

and great circulation.

And I'd appreciate it if you don't just hug me randomly!

That's weird and...!

[Schmidt laughs]

You ever notice... when Winston runs,

that he kinda farts while he's running? Yes!

[laughs]

Sounds like a jalopy.New pogo.

Oh, we got a great new pogo!

He farts when he runs![Jess makes farting sounds]