Original subtitles

Mom, I thought you were gonna stop staying up all night

watching the Home Shopping Channel.

The mailman just dropped off a Fussy Fido Dog Food Maker.

Esther, look.

Oh, this turns ordinary table scraps into gourmet delicacies.

Plus, you know, it's good for mulch.

Mom, Esther eats dead bugs off the floor.

Why do you keep buying all this?

Oh, because it's hard to sleep without Riley.

I'm a woman. I have needs.

So I shop on TV.

(knock on door)

Appliances are not a substitute for love.

Yeah, well, actually, I've had some‐‐

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hi, cuzy.

Hi, honey. Mwah. How ya feeling?

You know, OK. Did you bring me my medicine?

Of course. We got éclairs, napoleons, jelly donuts...

And here's the 6 brownies ya asked for.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, the kid's gotta eat.

Mmm, brownies. Finally some real food.

Ever since she bought the Rip Van Winkle Slow Cooker,

we eat every 43 hours.

Franny, when are ya gonna call Riley?

I'm not going to. I broke up with him for his own good.

Yeah, you wanna tell me how that works again?

He's 28 years old.

He should be gettin' married and havin' babies.

Mom, what is this?

Oh, I vacuum‐sealed your clothes

with my new air sucker garment saver.

Where are all my coats, shoes, my blouses?

All in there, honey.

Well, good, because I need stuff in there to wear

for me and becca's talent‐show audition.

What are you doing? I sing.

Yeah, and I wear this cute halter top and a leather skirt,

fishnet stockings and mid‐calf boots,

and I play tambourine.

Think I wanna sing a ballad, something I can get into,

like "Wishing You Were Here."

Oh...

Or maybe "Can't Smile Without You."

(gasps)

No, or "All By Myself." Yeah.

Does anybody want an éclair?

No? OK.

Fran, this is ridiculous. You are going to call Riley.

No, I'm not. And stop saying his name.

It's hard enough for me to stop thinking about him.

The other day, I watched the news and I burst into tears.

Why?

It was The O'Reilly Factor.

Oh, Riley.

This Napoleon looks great. Mmm.

Meanwhile, Meryl, if you wanna keep Danny,

I'd lighten up on the Napoleons there,

or you're gonna end up like‐‐ how should I put this‐‐

the girl who gets lucky when the bar is closing.

Franny, I'm pregnant.

Well, duh. I was wondering when you were gonna tell me.

You just had the hysterectomy, and I didn't wanna, like,

rub my womb in your face.

Is it Danny's?

No, it's the cast of Riverdance.

Of course it's Danny's.

Since you and Riley fixed us up,

I didn't know how you'd feel if I told you I was having a baby and...

Gettin' married.

You're getting married?

That's great.

That's really great.

Thank you, Tissue Buddy 4000.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Josh said we got about an hour before Fran comes home,

so we go in, pick up my drill, and we get out.

When we're talking to Josh, everything's cool with me. I'm doing great.

Yeah, but you're not. You're mess.

Why don't you call her, tell her you want her back?

That only works if I broke up with her.

We gotta do somethin' 'cause you teared up like a little girl last night

watching Terminator 2.

(ding dong)

That robot was the only father that kid ever knew.

Hi, Josh.

Josh, I decided to cancel my bikini wax

'cause it's right by my hysterectomy scar and I‐‐Riley!

Josh.

Anyway, it was great catchin' up.

Josh said you wouldn't be here, so I came to pick up my drill.

Oh, OK.

Isn't this usually when you go to your Pilates class?

I didn't really ever go to Pilates class.

I used to say I did so I could pretend to be sore,

and then you'd massage me.

Where'd you go?

You know, there's always a wine tasting somewhere.

(both chuckle)

I should get my drill.

OK.

How's he really doin'?

He's a basket case.

Watched a rerun of The Nanny and got all sad

'cause she reminded him of you.

That is so sweet.

But her voice...

Fran, it's really cluttered down there.

Why do you need a life‐size Manger‐Matic Nativity Scene?

Did you get that on the shopping channel?

'cause I got the Miracle Mayonnaise Maker,

and it already paid for itself.

So...I guess I'll see ya.

Yeah, I guess.

What do you mean you guess?

You're gonna see each other at our engagement party.

Yeah, and, you know,

maybe we can sit together or somethin'.

Oh, um, I'm sorry, Riley, but I'm gonna have a date.

Oh. When I said together,

I didn't mean at the same table.

I meant, like, at the same time.

We should go.

You're dating already, 'cause that's really co‐‐

what are you looking at?

I didn't invite Riley over so you could confront him, find closure,

and I could stop living off brownies and cocktail olives.

Frankly, I don't appreciate the accusation.

Well, thanks to you, I now have to find myself a date.

Why?

Why? Because he wants to sit next to me at cousin Meryl's engagement party.

Do you know how frickin' irresistible I'm gonna look that night?

Josh, you know I broke up with him

for his own good.

Yeah, I heard ya the last hundred times you said it.

You don't want Riley to waste his life.

OK, fine, maybe I did it a little bit for me, too.

What is going to happen to me in 20 years

when he decides to dump me?

He'll go to a younger woman and start a new family

while I'll be back in the meat market

trying to hide my expiration date.

So where are ya gonna find a date in 2 days?

Listen, there are plenty of single men that shop at the supermarket,

and they're always looking for beautiful, sophisticated women,

especially when you're not wearing a bra in the frozen‐food aisle.

Is there anything she won't say in front of me?

♪ Memories ♪

♪ May be beautiful and yet ♪

♪ What's too painful to remember ♪

♪ We simply choose to forget ♪

♪ So it's the laughter ♪

♪ We will remember ♪

♪ Whenever we remember ♪

♪ The way we were ♪

Can you believe I've only been playing tambourine for, what,

like, a year?

And you were magnificent.

Thank you, daddy.

You could be Simon and Garfunkel, Hall and Oates,

or any other duo where both members are equally talented.

Are you OK, Fran?

Is my mascara running?

No.

Then I'm fine!

Franny, I had no idea

you were this sensitive.

Did you cry like this when we split up?

Only when the champagne cork hit me in the eye.

Oh, well, you can't see the scar.

The crow's feet hide it nicely.

You know, ted, you should be nicer to me,

'cause when you had your heart attack,

I was supposed to go for a manicure, but I didn't go,

'cause you said you were gonna die,

and meanwhile, here ya are.

Oh, Franny...

Oh, Meryl, it's so unfair.

You're pregnant. You can't even drink with me.

Not true. There are new rules.

Now you are allowed one glass of wine a day.

Oh, good.

No, I had mine with breakfast already.

What's with you?

I can't get over how good Becca is.

Did you know that she writes songs, too?

Do we know anybody in the music industry?

Danny has a cousin in the business.

I'm not sure what he does, but he's got a gun,

so he must be pretty high up there.

Could I get his number?

What are you, her manager?

Why not? Believe it or not, I'm actually willing

to give up my exciting career scraping bubble gum

off copies of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

You don't need his number.

He's gonna be at the engagement party on Friday.

Oh, that's great. Becca's gotta sing.

That's a great idea.

Wait a minute. All of a sudden, you're planning my engagement party?

Meryl, the boy is excited.

Let the girl sing for your cousin with the gun.

OK, fine, she can sing.

All right, thank you.

So, franny, how did your date go in the freezer aisle?

You find one?

No, I crapped out.

Plus, I had to stand for an hour

in front of the rotisserie chickens

just to thaw out my nipples.

Ooh.

What are you gonna do?

I dunno. I guess I'm gonna have to find some guy

who's easy on the eyes, that has zero expectations of me sleeping with him.

OK, Fran, I'm gonna take Allison. I'll drop her tomorrow about noon.

Unless, of course, you're gonna be at Chuck E. Cheese

trolling for a new boyfriend.

Ya know, Ted...

What are you doing Friday night?

Fran, are you sure you didn't invite me here

just so you could make Riley jealous?

Oh, right, ted.

I was trying to make Riley jealous,

so I invited some middle‐aged English guy

with a bad ticker and a body that looks like boiled chicken.

Now, listen, you just better be

on your best behavior, because you owe me.

If I hadn't‐‐

yes, I know. You saved my life.

That's right.

Yeah, well, I think spending an evening

pretending to enjoy your company makes us even.

Oh, here's Riley.

OK, now just remember‐‐ act like when we were dating...

Only get your hands off my ass.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was headed for your back,

but it seems the landscape's shifted a bit since my last visit.

Oh, hi, Riley.

Hey, Fran. Ted.

Riley.

Well, I'm off to the bar.

Sea breeze for you, darling?

And Riley, I'll see if they've got your favorite juice box.

So you and Ted, you're here together?

YeS. Yes, we are.

You know, we're taking it slow,

but it sort of makes sense.

I mean, he's the father of my children,

and we have a lot of history together.

You should really do the same thing.

Get out there. Find somebody.

Hey, there.

Well, that was quick.

Fran, this is Rene.

Hi. Hi.

Fran and i, well, we used to date.

You're kidding.

I don't hear anyone laughing.

I'm just saying...

It's a coincidence that we're all here at the same time.

Oh, really? Is that what you meant?

'cause it sure sounded to me like,

Ooh, Riley used to date an old lady with no uterus.

I didn't say‐‐

Hey, we all heard ya, sister.

So in closing,

I don't know if you noticed,

but Meryl's pregnant,

and when I find the guy, I'm gonna kill him.

I feel nauseous.

I'm nauseous, too, but you wanted him to make the speech.

No, I mean because of the baby.

You know what? You're gonna have to read my speech.

What?

Anyway, here's to my beloved Meryl,

who is in every way

as good as I'll ever do.

I'm sure she has something to say

about our upcoming marriage.

I think I'm gonna puke!

Oh. Oh.

OK, everyone.

WelL...

Ahem. Hi.

Yeah, my cousin Meryl was supposed to make a speech now,

but I guess something came up.

Ha ha!

"To all outward appearances,

Danny and I do not fit,

but we learned that that doesn't matter,

thanks to Fran, my dearest friend,

and Riley,

Danny's best friend.

They showed us

that if you live for today like they do,

tomorrow will take care of itself."

Oh, hi, honey.

Now we have a very special treat.

There's a young lady that gonna sing a song

for the bride and groom to be,

so please give a warm welcome

to Ms. Rebecca Grant.

So you think this is the next pop diva, huh?

Oh, yeah. She just turned 16.

Whoa!

Kinda old, isn't she?

OK, she's 12.

She'll lie about her age.

My mom will coach her.

♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

♪ My lonely days are over ♪

♪ Life is like a song ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

Where are you going? She just started singing.

Home. I thought I could handle seeing you tonight,

but I can't.

♪ My heart was wrapped up in clover ♪

♪ The night I looked at you... ♪

Am I interrupting something?

Hey, Riley.

What's going on?

We were just talking, mate.

Yeah, right.

What the hell are you doing

hitting on another woman

when you've got Fran?

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

Riley‐‐ I'm not finished.

I don't know why she kicked me out,

but fine. That's her choice.

You hurt her, I swear I'll kill you.

OK, darling. This might be a good time to speak up.

Oh, Riley. I'm not getting back together with Ted.

But please, don't let that stop you

from killing him!

This is my favorite part of the song,

where Becca gets interrupted

by you guys talking about‐‐

What was it again? Oh, yeah.

Nobody cares.

For god sakes, Fran,

would you please tell Riley the truth

before he gets all farm boy

and throws himself under a wheat combine.

Tell me what? What's he talking about?

OK, enough. Listen, Riley‐‐

Josh!

She broke up with you

because she thought you were gonna dump her when she got older,

and then something about a meat market. Anyway...

The point is shut up!

See you home in the Ferrari?

Sure.

Why didn't you tell me the truth?

Because you were just going to say that I was wrong

and you were never gonna leave me for a million years,

and I'm older, and I know that someday

you are going to feel differently.

Well, you are wrong,

and why are we talking about someday?

What about today?

I love you, Fran, and I miss you.

Don't you miss me?

Every moment of every day.

Oh, I've spent so much money

buying stupid stuff on the shopping channel,

and I don't even have anybody

to put it together.

And I still have your Barbra Streisand CD in my truck.

I play it all the time because it reminds me of you.

Really?

Ask my foreman.

Last week, I gave him a ride home

and he invited me in for cocktails.

OK.

You know what? I'm gonna count to 3,

and if you're still here,

I'm gonna kiss you.

One...

Well, you kiss better than you count.

I'm not taking any more chances.

Why don't you come back to my place

and have some cocktails

and then move back in with me.

Nope.

Why no?

'cause I'm not gonna go back to the way things were, fran.

I'm not gonna be just some young guy living in your house.

That's Josh's job.

Oh, Riley...

No.

This time it's all or nothing, babe.

Fran...

Will you marry me?

Huh?

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute