Original subtitles

Happy birthday!

Oh, look. You got my age right.

(laughing)

Happy birthday, babe.

Mmm.

OK, I enjoyed the food

and would love to keep it down.

Be nice to me on my birthday.

It only comes once every 3 years.

Can we get some coffee, please?

Absolutely.

Anything else I can do for you?

No, thanks.

OK, wow.

Did she just say, "Anything else I can do for you,"

or "I will bear you many children"?

Anyway...

I have a date.

Yeah, I bet she's a real doll.

Could you drop me off at Becca's

before you inflate her?

I can't believe you guys

are leaving Riley and I alone in this restaurant on my birthday.

That is the best present ever.

Love you. Happy birthday, Mom.

Love you. Drive carefully.

See ya.

OK, honey, make a wish, then blow out the candle.

OK.

Well, you're still here,

so I guess my wish came true.

You get so mushy on your birthday.

Mwah. That's because it's when I feel the most vulnerable.

So if you're thinking about taking advantage of me later,

I like your chances.

Happy birthday, ma'am.

Oh, thank you. Everything was delicious.

You know, I can see where your son gets his good looks.

Heh?

You OK, babe?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Listen, why don't you pay the check and the get car?

I'll go wait out in front.

When you see me...

Run me over.

Captioning made possible by Fox TV Studios/ Regency Television

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Who's the best girl, Esther?

Who's the best girl?

Let me get my towel.

Oh.

Mm.

Fran, what are you doing?

I'm seeing what I look like after 30 years.

And this is what I'll look like after 30 years

and 30 grand.

What do you think?

Honey, you'll never need any work done.

Hmm. Oh...

How can that be the wrong thing to say?

No, it's just my stomach is acting up again.

That's it. I'm taking you to the doctor tomorrow.

No, no. It's just I think that meal we had was so heavy.

And so was the waitress, didn't you think?

Our waitress?

Oh, yeah. Gross.

Come on. Come to bed.

Oh...Oh...

Mmm...

Allison!

Hurry up!

We gotta give Mom her birthday cake

so I can get out of here.

My date charges by the hour.

Keep your hair on!

FRAN: Are those my beautiful children I hear?

Hi, kids.

I'm gonna take Esther for a walk.

Who's the best girl?

Who's the best girl?

Careful coming down the steps, Ma. You might‐‐

fall.

Are you OK, Ma?

Yeah. My hump broke my fall.

Esther, stay.

Happy birthday, Ma.

Oh, thanks, kids.

RILEY: Fran, I'm home.

Oh! Riley's here.

And you didn't think that we would last.

We've been together 50 years.

Hey, everybody!

Franny, I bought you a gift.

Oh, how sweet.

Ooh! Sexy lingerie.

Oh!

I think this is more of a gift for you, mister.

(vomiting)

Sorry. I can't take it like I used to.

How was your day, babe?

Oh, fine, fine,

though I did have a little scare.

I thought I felt a lump in my breast.

Turns out it was just my knee.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Happy birthday, Fran.

Oh.

Look, kids. Your father's here.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, princess.

I see you're drinking for two nowadays.

Mm‐hmm.

And Josh, how are things at the video store?

I understand minimum wage is going up.

You can expect a raise soon.

OK, everybody. Time for cake.

Riley!

Did you bake that yourself,

or did your mum just let you lick the spoon?

Those jokes don't work anymore, Ted.

I'm 70 years old.

Really?

Well done, mate.

Wait a minute.

I think you got the numbers backwards.

Oh, there.

That's better.

Happy birthday.

And I can see where your grandson gets his good looks.

What was that for?

That's for looking so damn good when you're 70 years old.

You had to make me go see that quack of a doctor.

Fran, he's one of the top gynecologists in New York City.

Yeah? Well, then, how come we got to see him the day after I called?

It takes me 2 weeks to see the girl who does my bikini wax.

Fran...

It's not as if I wasn't feeling old enough already.

Now you want me to get a hysterectomy?

Me? I just don't want you to live with the pains anymore.

Oh, don't bring my children into this.

Hi, guys. Mom, I think it's time

to throw out your birthday cake.

Yeah. It still looks good on the outside,

but it's all old and dried up on the inside.

Oh, shut up.

The cake is good when it's young and moist,

but the minute it gets a little rough around the edges,

suddenly it loses its place in society?

OK. You kids probably have a lot of questions right now.

Your mother and I just got back from the doctor,

and, uh, well, how do I say this?

Look, they're not children anymore, Riley.

We can talk to them like they're adults.

Mommy has some bumpy things growing in her baby place.

The doctor said they're here to stay.

They're not the kind that go away.

Who's this doctor?

Seuss?

Mom, what's really wrong?

Well, it's not a big deal, honey.

It's just that I have this thing called fibroids,

and, well, if I want to be out of pain,

I'm going to have to get a hysterectomy.

Are you gonna be OK?

Yes. Definitely. It's a very common procedure.

And the best part of it is

I'll feel all better, I won't be in any pain,

plus I won't get my period,

so I won't have any pms.

Like I didn't see your reflection in the glass.

Dad's a surgeon. Did you talk to him about this?

Yes, sweetie. Of course.

He was the first call that we made.

And I thought that it's only fair

that he see them take out my baby maker

since I had my lawyer cut off his.

But he's actually been wonderful,

and he's organized the whole thing with the hospital.

I love you, Mommy.

I love you, sweetie.

I'll be there to help you as much as I can.

I don't care if I miss all my midterms.

But I will need a note.

Forget it.

Then I have to study.

OK.

I love you.

I love you, I'm fine.

I know that I only went to medical school for 6 weeks,

but I put in a lot of hours at the hospital,

so if you have any questions...

Well, after they cut me open,

do they use, like, a drainage‐‐

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I meant, like, which vending machines

have the best snacks and stuff.

Well, thank you, Josh.

That was the best $47,000

your father and I ever spent.

Well, I'll leave you guys to discuss.

I'm just gonna toss this‐‐

right exactly where it is,

because there's a lot of life left in it.

Franny, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Oh, honey, don't you understand?

When a woman gets a hysterectomy,

she goes into...

(mouthing)

Santa Claus?

Menopause.

I knoW. I just thought you needed to say it out loud.

Fran, the doctor said you won't have any symptoms

if you go on estrogen.

I know, but that has side effects in itself,

which I'm not sure I want to deal with.

Although if I don't go on it,

then I'm gonna gain weight, have hot flashes,

and probably grow facial hair.

Next thing you know,

they'll be calling me Jew‐bacca.

Honey, you're beautiful now

and you always will be.

Even when I get old?

Oh, you'll never be old to me.

Well, just remember that when I grow a moustache

and the next stupid waitress

confuses me for your father.

Come here.

Hello, Fran. Hi, Dad.

Hello, children. Oh, Riley.

If I'd know you were going to be here,

I'd have had the clown in pediatrics

make you a balloon animal.

You know what, ted?

I want to thank you for setting all this up

and being so kind to Fran.

It means a lot to us.

Well, that was a low blow.

Dad, I thought you said you had rounds to do.

Oh, no, it's all right.

I just missed one exam on a patient,

but he's in a coma so he'll never know.

The nurse will be in soon

to give you a pill to help you sleep.

So everybody, say your final good‐byes.

ALL: Dad!

I meant for the night.

Why do all my patients take that the wrong way?

I'll be here when you wake up, honey.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Good luck. Get some sleep.

OK, babe.

Night, Mom.

Love you, baby.

Oh, oh, oh. Before you go,

would someone take that engorged ferret

your mother has hiding under the blankets please?

OK.

Mommy will be home in a few days.

I have to get the same operation as you,

only I won't have to wear a cone around my neck.

Night.

OK. Bye‐bye.

Night, Mom.

I love you, honey.

I love you.

(sighs)

So, Ted, how long will it be

before me and Riley get to...

You know.

Have sex!

Oh, don't you worry about that, darling.

We'll have you back on your back in no time.

You know, you really are one lucky girl.

Why do you say that, Ted?

Well, you have your young Riley there

to take care of you as you get older.

Oh, don't be so quick to push me in the nursing home.

I am 3 to 7 years younger than you, mister,

depending on how dark the room is.

Oh, let's face it, fran.

At our ages, we're not getting any healthier.

But it must be comforting to know

that as you start to fall apart,

you have a young handyman there

to help you put yourself back together.

Well, I'll check on you after surgery.

Hey, Ted.

Next time, give me the drugs

before you speak to me.

Wake up, sleepy head.

Oh, Riley.

Am I OK?

Yeah, the operation went great.

Oh, good.

There's only one teeny tiny little hitch.

They had to take out a little more than they planned.

Oh. Did they have to take out my appendix, too?

Yes.

Yes, they did.

Riley, what happened to the rest of me?

Where are my arms, my legs,

my feet?

(gasps) and next week is Bloomingdale's big shoe sale.

Oh, cruel fate.

It's OK, Fran.

I've already decided to give up my youth.

I've quit my business.

From now on, my life will be spent taking care of you.

No! No, Riley. I can't let you give all that up.

Oh, it's not so bad.

When we go to the mall, I can stick you on the antennae,

and this way, I'll always be able to find the car.

No‐‐

scratch my nose.

Thank you.

No!

Oh, ow!

Ooh.

Babe, are you OK?

Yeah, uh...

Yeah.

I guess I just shouldn't make any sudden moves.

How long was I asleep?

Oh, about 3 hours.

Not counting the moment that you came out of the anesthetic

and mumbled something about kissing a girl at summer camp?

Oh, Debbie Murphy.

She moves pianos now.

How did the operation go?

OK, except you know how sometimes

they leave a sponge in a patient?

Well, we had a little scare

when we couldn't find the dog.

Ha ha ha ha.

That was Josh's joke.

So babe, I already cleared my schedule

so I can be there to take care of you.

No, Riley...

Yeah?

I don't want you to.

What?

I've been thinking about our future,

and I realize we don't have one.

Fran, you're still a little groggy.

No, no. I mean this.

I've been thinking about this

ever since my birthday and that waitress,

the operation.

I realize that we're not meant to be together.

You used to make me feel young,

but now you make me feel old.

I can't believe you're saying this.

Well, what did you think,

we were gonna be together forever?

Yeah, I thought we would be.

Well, you're young.

Look, I, um...

I'm gonna be here a few days.

I think you should just take your stuff and leave.

Just like that?

You're not even going to think about it?

What do we need to drag it out for?

We're on a different page in the book of life.

Our age difference has finally caught up with us.

I'm not gonna change my mind.

I won't be around if you do.

I don't want you to.

Do I even get a say in this?

Riley, how long have you known me?

Does anybody ever get a say?

Fine.

Hey, Ma.

Oh, how sweet. Oh, honey, how sweet.

Put it down over there.

How you feeling?

Oh, you know. The bumper stickers are wrong.

Drugs are good.

You sure? Maybe we should have you checked out.

You know, sometimes they leave a sponge inside‐‐

I know. You couldn't find Esther.

She's inside me. Ha ha.

Damn it! He probably didn't even do it right.

Did he make the muffled yip noises? That was the gold.

I'll kill him when I get home.

Riley's not gonna be there, Josh.

We broke up.

What?

Why, you know?

I thought you guys were wrong for each other

and your relationship was insane,

and I know I did everything I could to break you up,

but I hope it wasn't because of anything I said.

No. I just told him

that he was making me feel old.

Is that true?

No. I lied to him

because it was best for him,

the same way I got you out of pee‐wee football.

Wait a minute. You took me out

because I was such an animal

you were afraid I was going to hurt the other boys.

Honey, you broke your nose putting on your helmet.

I had to pull you out

before you put on your cup.

Well, there goes my best childhood memory.

So why did you guys really break up?

Oh, this was like a rude awakening.

I mean, I really opened my eyes.

What if this had been something serious?

I don't want him wasting his life taking care of me.

That's your job, sweetie.

Now, would you go get me some Jell‐O?

Green.

OK, Mom.

Not lime, though.

What other kind of green is there?

Surprise me.

(sighs)

Oh, Riley.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute