Original subtitles

So, what are you wearing?

Really? Nothing? Me, too.

Josh, those phone calls cost 3.99 a minute.

Use your own phone.

It's Tina. We're discussing Halloween costumes.

Oh, good.

Okay, Tina, I'm gonna call you back.

Say, what are you guys doing for Halloween?

You doing anything?

Anything fun? 'cause you should.

You should do something fun.

You know, get out of the house.

Tryin' to get rid of us, Josh?

Yes.

Got a hot date?

Yes, but for the record,

the answer to "Are you trying to get rid of us?" is always "Yes."

Oh, I remember like it was yesterday

when you were 8 years old

and you wanted to be dressed

for Halloween like the Incredible Hulk.

Only everybody thought you were Yoda.

Good morning.

Morning.

Aah!

What?

Your costume‐‐ loser living at home‐‐ it is chilling.

You guys have to let me go to Rachel's Halloween party.

Why? They need you to sit in a window

with a candle in your mouth?

I know it's a weekday,

but can I stay out till midnight, please? Please.

How are you getting there?

Todd is driving.

Will Rachel's parents be at the party?

Yes. Will Rachel's parents be at the same party?

Yes.

Okay. Midnight,

but not a minute later.

Okay. Thank you.

Boy, I'm really getting

the single mom thing down.

What are we doing for Halloween, hon?

Well, I thought I'd wear this really slinky leopard dress

with spiked heels and a studded collar.

So we're staying in?

(laughs) No.

We're going to a fabulous party at Jessica Morgan's house.

You know, she's loaded and recently divorced,

so she's just ready to redo 4,000 square feet

of her "never should've married the S. O. B." house.

And I am just the decorator to redo it.

A party. Cool. What should I go as?

See, that's what I love about you.

Ted never would've gotten into a costume.

The only thing he wanted to get into on Halloween was his scrub nurse.

But that's what makes you so perfect.

I wouldn't say perfect, Fran.

That's what you have me for.

(telephone rings)

Mmm, this is delicious.

Hello?

Really? Unbelievable.

Fran, get this. We just won a free Halloween excursion to Atlantic City.

Ah, give me that.

Hold on.

Josh, knock it off.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

So, which one's our hostess?

Oh, she's around here somewhere.

Let's find her and say hi.

What's your rush?

You don't want to say hi to your friend?

Did I say she was my friend?

If she's not your friend, why'd she invite us?

Did I say she invited us?

We're crashing this party?

Ssshhhh.

After a couple of drinks,

she's not even going to know who the hell she invited.

Here. Hold my leash.

I can't believe you did this.

Look, if I waited for every prospective client

to invite me to their home, I'd be out of business.

You think we were invited to that funeral last july?

Fran, you gave a speech.

So? It was from the heart.

"Everyone loved him. We're all gonna miss him."

Blah blah blah. What's so hard?

ok. We're leaving.

Oh, no. Wait. Wait.

Just give me a chance to do a little networking.

A half hour to give out some of my business cards.

Why don't you just mingle?

Try and look inconspicuous.

Hey, wonder woman! Remember me? Fran from the funer‐‐

(thud)

FRAN: Let go of the leash!

(girl screaming)

(laughs)

This is the scary part coming up.

You may wanna slide into the security zone.

Ooh. He just stuck that guy on a meat hook.

That is so cool.

Wow.

A woman that digs a live body on a meat hook.

Now I'm scared.

Hold me.

Aw, poor baby. Come here.

(laughs)

Is this better?

Well, it'll probably help if we made out.

(doorbell rings)

Aw. Trick‐or‐treaters. The hell do they want?

I'll be right back.

ALL: Trick or treat!

Okay. Here you go.

Here you go. Here you go,

and now go.

(knock on door)

What are we, the only house on the block?

Here you go‐‐

tell me that's a costume.

Officer, little harsh for a first offense,

but I'm sure you did what you had to do.

This your brother?

What's going on?

Your sister was driving alone,

and she's only got a learner's permit.

Well, she is gonna have to spend

a night in jail, isn't she?

For at least a couple hours.

We're kinda swamped tonight,

so I'm just gonna let your parents handle this.

Car's parked at 69th and woodhaven.

Got it. Thanks.

You pull this again, young lady,

and you can forget about ever getting a license.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

And you.

Yes, sir?

Are those Jolly Ranchers?

There you go.

I can't believe you.

Todd was sick, and I couldn't get a ride.

And I didn't want to miss the party, so I took Mom's car.

The Mercedes? Are you crazy?

When she got divorced,

she fought harder for custody of that car

than she did for you.

Oh, what's your problem? I'm the one who's missing the party.

Hi. I'm Allison.

Tina.

I like your axe.

Thanks. I wanted real blood, but Josh is a light sleeper.

Allison, aren't you the least bit worried

about what Mom is gonna do to you?

She's not even gonna know unless you rat on me.

Come on, Josh. We're brother and sister.

We do things for each other.

Not good things.

Okay, Josh. Why don't we just pick up the car and call it a night?

Okay.

I hope you die.

Josh.

Okay. All right.

I hope you die horribly.

HI. I'm Fran Reeves. Remember?

From the Shankman funeral?

Oh, yes. Right. You made that lovely speech.

Anyhoo, you know, you must really care about your husband

because I see him in every corner of this room

from the leather couches to the model boats

to the beer sign over that pool table over there.

I hate all that crap.

Every time I look at it,

it reminds me of that cheating louse I divorced.

Well, you know, I'm a decorator,

and de‐lousing happens to be my specialty.

Think about it.

So, uh, I'll have a lemon drop, please.

Uh, vodka, triple sec, lemon juice, and sugar.

Thanks. You're either a bartender or a lush.

Well, right now, just a bartender,

but the night is young.

(laughs)

I'm beth.

Oh, hI. I'm Fran.

How do you know our hostess?

I don't.

Really? You crashed this party, too?

You know, I'm a decorator,

and I'm trying to drum up business for myself.

And this girl is ripe for the plucking.

I didn't crash.

Me neither.

I'm here with a guy I met at the restaurant where I work.

Oh. The grasshopper grill.

We've been out a couple of times,

but I don't get too attached anymore.

I got burned.

I know where you're coming from.

I was married to the wrong man for 19 years.

Had I run him over at the honeymoon,

I would've been out in 15.

I hear ya.

I was living with a guy for 2 years

until I realized what a jerk he was.

Well, you know, don't lose the faith,

because not all men are evil.

My new boyfriend is the exact opposite of my ex.

He's sweet and considerate and loving.

Sounds perfect.

Plus, he's younger and gorgeous.

All right. Now you're just pissing me off.

(laughs)

Just don't get bitter.

Pour it out, honey. I'm here for you.

Fran, would 300 grand

do this whole house?

See ya.

Can I get a beer?

I don't think you understood.

I said, "I'm a big game hunter."

Game.

Riley?

Beth?

You bastard!

Think that's a lovers' quarrel?

It will be when I get over there.

(growling)

Fran, you're being ridiculous.

It was just a bad breakup.

I'm being ridiculous?

I'm not the one with this whole other life.

What else don't I know about you, Riley,

if that's your real name?

It's in the past.

It has nothing to do with us now.

Will you just let it go?

Let it go?

I find out that you were living with a woman for 2 years,

she throws her drink in your face,

calls you a bastard.

I'm sorry, but that begs the question, "Huh?"

I've told you everything there is to know.

Now I'm really tired, I wanna get out of this costume,

and unless you've won the world series,

getting champagne in the face sucks.

I'll be upstairs.

He is gonna be very, very sorry

when he realizes that I'm not making love tonight.

With my usual gusto.

Hey, Josh, I didn't know you were home.

Well, I try not to interrupt

when you and Riley are arguing.

You never know when it might be the big one.

So how much did you hear?

Everything.

Believe it or not, ma, your voice carries.

So you know everything that I know.

How'd your date with Tina go?

It was all right.

Ma, if you knew something about somebody

and that somebody wouldn't want somebody else to know‐‐

Oh, no! Riley was in jail?!

No. He's a Nazi?!

No. He's a woman?!

No. He's a woman Nazi?!

Mom, stop guessing!

You know what? Forget it.

I'm gonna take care of it myself.

It has nothing to do with Riley.

And, besides, if you're so worried

he's not telling you everything,

why don't you just go ask this girl?

Josh, I would never think of something like that.

But now that you put the idea in my head,

I guess I'm just gonna have to do it.

Thank you very much.

I hope you can sleep tonight.

Okay, she's insane.

Your voice carries, too, pal.

What am I supposed to say to you, Riley?

I don't know.

Really didn't get much of a chance to talk last night.

(coughs)

Oh, that's no good.

I don't blame you for what you did at the party.

Oh, you seem like a very nice man.

I know. I used to be one.

I suppose you want your engagement ring back.

(gasps)

I told you you can keep the ring.

You still living with that old lady?

She's "older," Beth, not "old."

I know "I'm sorry" wasn't enough then,

and it probably isn't enough now.

I never gave you the chance to yell at me,

and you deserve that.

Well, I was busy doing so many other things

like explaining to an entire church full of people

why my fiancé didn't show up for the wedding.

(gasps)

Fran? Fran?

You know her?

Yeah, I met her last night at the party.

This is the woman I live with.

You're kidding? You're the great guy she was talking about?

Oh, my god!

Honey, are you okay?

I don't know.

How big was the...ring?

Bup bup bup bup bup.

What? I looked it up online.

Chunky peanut butter, one slice banana,

fried on both sides, exactly the way Elvis had it.

I don't believe there was crust.

No, no. That's okay.

I'll eat it, but only because I'm hungry.

Bup bup bup bup bup.

I can't believe you're doing this

just to keep some stupid secret.

You know, one day, you may have a life

and you better pray that I don't find out about it.

By the way, I dropped a piece of sushi

behind my desk a couple months ago.

You wanna be a doll and pick that up for me? Thanks.

I think it might have liquefied by now,

so you wanna use gloves.

Okay

Dream on.

I have already reorganized your closet,

cleaned your electric razor,

oh, separated your trail mix into individual ingredients

so that you can make your special Josh mix.

I'm not picking up some liquid fish.

Mommy? Okay.

And when you're done getting the sushi,

I think I'm in the mood for a smoothie.

Kiwi/mango.

We don't have any kiwis or mangoes.

And whose problem is that?

Okay, what do you have over her?

Is it something I can ignore

without getting a call from children's services?

Yes, and if my plan works,

you'll know soon enough.

Good.

Is that an Elvis?

Gimme.

What's with the crust?

Okay, I hope you're happy.

You went down there to nose around in my past,

and you found out something

you were better off not knowing.

Are you trying to turn this around on me?

Let me tell you something, honey.

I once rear‐ended a lawyer

and ended up collecting from him.

Okay. I had just broken up with beth

before I asked you out.

I couldn't tell you then.

You were already on the fence about our age difference.

I figured you'd think I was some flaky young guy

hopping from one gorgeous chick to the next.

I'm listening.

When you hired me as your contractor,

I saw you every day.

I got to know you and like you and more than like you,

and even though I wasn't sure

that you and I would ever work out,

I knew I'd be making a huge mistake

if I married Beth.

Well, how come it took me a year and a half

to find out about it

and not even from you?

I planned on telling you,

but every time I tried, it wasn't a good time,

as it turns out, there's never a good time

to tell the woman you love

you left your last girlfriend standing at the altar.

Yeah, well, I could see where that could raise a red flag.

But what happened between you and Beth is in the past.

It became about you and me when I asked you about it

and you lied to my face.

That is so unlike you.

Why, because I'm the perfect man?

What's that supposed to mean?

You tell me that all the time.

You say I'm the perfect man,

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.

Well, you are.

And that's why it was so hard for me

to tell you the worst thing I ever did.

Oh, sweetie, I know that you're not perfect.

I mean, you're young.

You have to learn from your mistakes.

I don't expect you to know then what you know now

or even what you're gonna know 10 years from now.

Look at me, I'm not perfect

or I would've found fault with you much sooner.

Come on, we really have to promise

never to have this happen again.

I think that we have to be totally honest

and upfront about our past.

Me first.

Ted.

Now you go.

Okay.

Before Beth, there were these aerobic twins‐‐

Bup bup bup bup.

I changed my mind.

But, sweetie, there is something that I am curious about.

It wasn't even a real diamond.

It was cubic zirconium.

Really?

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

This is the most demeaning thing

I've ever done in my life.

I wouldn't be so sure of that.

The dog chased something under my bed.

It was either a small rodent

or a giant roach.

Anyway, no matter now, it's dead.

I hope you kept the gloves.

That's it. No more.

Mom!

Don't even bother. Nothing is worth this.

Fan yourself.

FRAN: My Mercedes?!

Get upstairs until I decide what to do with you!

You kept a secret from me, too?

Yeah.

And instead of telling me,

you tortured your sister until she confessed?

Yeah.

Nicely done.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute