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1
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:06,339
No, Esther, this food
is not for you.
2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,374
But Grandpa will be
sitting here,
3
00:00:08,374 --> 00:00:09,442
get underneath,
4
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,579
and it'll rain
deliciousness.
5
00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,347
Josh, while your
grandparents are here,
6
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,818
can you pretend
you don't hate your mom
and me being together?
7
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,152
Try to avoid phrases like,
8
00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:21,087
"One thing I could say
about Riley‐‐
9
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,356
his parole officer
loves him."
10
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,758
Yeah, and don't be saying,
11
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:28,795
"I know he's at least
part German."
12
00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:31,397
Come on. I never said
any of that.
13
00:00:31,397 --> 00:00:33,834
Grandpa must have
read my journal.
14
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:37,638
Oh, come on, Josh,
you know, their first
visit didn't go very well,
15
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,306
and Riley's afraid that now
that we're living together,
16
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:43,243
Grandpa's gonna think
that I'm supporting him.
17
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:47,347
A fear that you have
managed to overcome.
18
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,415
This time your grandparents
aren't leaving
19
00:00:49,415 --> 00:00:51,117
until your grandpa
accepts me.
20
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,587
Oh, so they're moving in.
21
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:54,955
Bite your tongue.
22
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:57,457
Just be on your best
behavior, would you?
23
00:00:57,457 --> 00:00:59,192
Fine. You don't have to
worry about me.
24
00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:00,360
Allison's the problem.
25
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,529
She threw a Barbie doll
at me when I went past
her room.
26
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:03,597
So? She always does that.
27
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,466
This time she
sharpened the feet.
28
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:07,601
Oh, no.
29
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,670
She's got PMS?
30
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,404
Ohh! Just when
my mother's coming.
31
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:14,440
Well, you know this is all
gonna be my fault.
32
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:15,542
How?
33
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,110
Isn't it obvious?
34
00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:19,746
I had Allison 2 weeks
premature
35
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,281
so she would get her period
36
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,617
just on the week that
they're coming to visit!
37
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:26,687
I don't get that at all
from your mother.
38
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,622
I mean, she's
such a sweet lady.
39
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,456
Uh! To you, maybe.
40
00:01:30,456 --> 00:01:32,225
Because you didn't
ruin her chance
41
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:34,761
to see Marvin Hamlisch
at the Westbury Music Fair
42
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:39,700
just because you had the nerve
to get hit by a truck.
43
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:45,706
Good morning, Allison.
You look pretty to‐‐
44
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,840
this orange juice has pulp.
45
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:51,712
What the hell kind of animal
buys pulpy orange juice?
46
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,848
Riley did the shopping.
47
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,588
Kind of sold me out
there, babe.
48
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:04,324
I'm sorry, honey.
I panicked.
49
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:06,359
Well, you only have
yourself to blame, Mom.
50
00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:08,494
We all know
I was an accident.
51
00:02:08,494 --> 00:02:10,731
Her you had on purpose.
52
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:11,698
(doorbell rings)
53
00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:13,199
Oh! They're here.
54
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,034
OK. OK. Look.
55
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,770
They're only gonna be here
for 3 days.
56
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,572
So between eating, napping,
57
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,440
and constant visits
to the bathroom,
58
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,509
what are we talking
about, really?
59
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:25,178
Three hours, tops?
60
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,516
Ohh! Sweetie!
61
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:30,383
Ma!
62
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:31,852
Ohh!
Ohh!
63
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,454
Let me look at you!
64
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:35,789
(giggles)
65
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:39,292
Where's my little
princess?
66
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:40,594
Daddy!
67
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:41,595
Hi, Grandma.
68
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,663
Oh, Joshie!
69
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,766
Joshie, look at you.
You're such a beautiful boy.
70
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,267
Joshele!
Hoo hoo hoo!
71
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:50,771
He looks just like I did
when I was 17.
72
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,674
I'm 21, Grandpa.
73
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,744
Here's 20 bucks.
74
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,446
Mom, Dad,
75
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,448
you remember Riley.
76
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:03,483
Hi, Cookie.
77
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:04,350
Ohh...
78
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:05,218
Mmm!
MM...Mwah!
79
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,789
You are still
so gorgeous.
80
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:10,824
Bernie.
81
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:11,725
Huh?
82
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,727
Say hello to Riley.
83
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,796
I did.
I did.
84
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:19,833
He nodded,
I nodded back.
85
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:20,701
What do you want us to do,
86
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,470
pick bugs out of
each other's heads?
87
00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:25,906
Todd, you can't
go out of town.
88
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,541
What kind of boyfriend
are you?
89
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:31,745
Now I have no excuse
to avoid my grandparents.
90
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,519
No‐‐not you.
Not you.
91
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,886
No. Tad's parents. Yeah.
92
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,723
We just got the word.
They're...
93
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,926
Alive again.
94
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:49,763
♪ And I ♪
95
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,765
♪ Feel beautiful
right now ♪
96
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,735
♪ For the first time
in a long time ♪
97
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,771
♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪
98
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,740
♪ And life ♪
99
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,908
♪ Gets better every day ♪
100
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,911
♪ Though it seems
so complicated ♪
101
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,647
♪ We're gonna work it out ♪
102
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:07,814
♪ Whatever comes our way ♪
103
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,391
Now wait a minute.
104
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:20,594
When we moved to Florida,
you were 12.
105
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,964
Grandpa, I know
how old I am.
106
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,867
Bernie, would you like
your bagel with a schmear
107
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,068
or just bupkis?
108
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,936
Easy on the yiddish, shlomo.
109
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,405
You'll hurt yourself.
110
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:34,207
What's a shlomo?
111
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:37,544
Is that like
a Jewish gay guy?
112
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,946
Honey, if he thought
you were gay,
113
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,381
he wouldn't hate you.
114
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:43,550
He hates me?
115
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,619
No.
116
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:49,656
Josh, did you eat
the last raisin bagel?
117
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,925
Um...
118
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:54,595
I think Riley did.
119
00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:56,963
Thanks a lot, Riley!
120
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,665
My boyfriend's out of town
121
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:00,066
and you have to
go and take
122
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,503
the only other thing
in the world
123
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,505
that I love?
124
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:09,876
(sobbing loudly)
125
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,879
Why is everybody
selling me out?
126
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,982
I wouldn't stand for it.
I'd leave.
127
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,553
What, Ma?
128
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,355
I'm not saying anything.
129
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:24,457
Fine.
130
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:27,928
All I'm saying
131
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,696
is that if that
was my daughter,
132
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:32,766
I'd be upstairs
seeing what's wrong
with her.
133
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,935
Ma, I know
what's wrong with her.
134
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,637
She's premenstrual.
135
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,640
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
136
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,408
There's food here.
137
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,411
Well, I'm off to work.
138
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:49,115
Franny, remember when
you started menstruating‐‐
139
00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:51,852
OK! Heh heh heh.
140
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:55,522
I'm gonna
go watch a game.
141
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,759
All right,
this is my chance.
142
00:05:58,759 --> 00:05:59,993
He likes sports,
I like sports.
143
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,928
I'm going in there
to schmooze.
144
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,730
That's a great idea.
145
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:04,665
Give him that beer,
146
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,868
and then he'll forget
how much he hates you.
147
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,036
So he does hate me.
148
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,039
No.
149
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:18,579
Allison, SCREAMING:
Mom! Your stupid dog is looking
at me!
150
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:21,948
Esther, run!
151
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:24,918
So...
152
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,088
How do you like
living in Florida?
153
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:33,059
You're not gonna be talking
through the whole game, are you?
154
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,898
My money's on the Bulls.
155
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:38,932
Yeah?
156
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:39,866
How much?
157
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:42,769
Oh, I don't actually
want to put a bet down.
158
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:44,137
I just mean I'm a fan.
159
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:44,905
Ah.
160
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,974
But you do work?
You do have cash?
161
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:51,912
I mean, not everything
is on Franny's dime, huh?
162
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,749
How much we talkin' here?
163
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:57,851
50?
164
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,553
50?
Oh, too much?
165
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:03,189
Maybe you better
ask your husband, Mary.
166
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:08,995
Make it 100.
167
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,998
Whoa...Look who's
growing a pair.
168
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,467
(chuckles)
169
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,071
But, uh, listen, uh...
170
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,506
Don't tell my wife.
171
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,108
She's not nuts
about my gambling.
172
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,977
Not that
she wears the pants.
173
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,980
Just don't tell my wife.
174
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,015
FRAN: OK.
175
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:30,951
Hey, babe.
Where you going?
176
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,787
I'm taking Allison
to the gynecologist.
177
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,888
Hey, hey, hey.
178
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,189
Come on. What is she,
10 years old?
179
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,958
She doesn't
have to go there.
180
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,125
I'm 16, Grandpa.
181
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,628
Stop asking questions.
182
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,563
I hate my life.
183
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,798
I just want to dig
a big hole and live in it.
184
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,602
Ohh...And that's why
she's going.
185
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,238
(basketball game on tv)
186
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:53,707
3, 2, 1‐‐
187
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,676
(buzzer sounds)
It's up!
188
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,144
Oh, no good! Ohh!
189
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,613
(groans)
190
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,648
I tell you,
if I ever meet that punk
191
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,649
Shaquille O'Neal...
192
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:06,086
I'd probably ask
for his autograph.
193
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,021
Take it, take it.
You won.
194
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,024
So I'll take
a few less heart pills.
195
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:11,925
Bernie...
196
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,694
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
197
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:16,897
You Germans got
no sense of humor.
198
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,201
Double or nothing
on the hockey game.
199
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,104
Look at them
just sitting there,
200
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,138
not bloating or anything.
201
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:28,108
You know, if you had tried
a little bit harder,
202
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:31,177
I could have been a boy.
203
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,816
Well, that was
my afternoon.
204
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,050
How was yours?
205
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:37,951
What happened?
206
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,185
Well, the gynecologist...
207
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,621
(turns volume up)
208
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,756
said that she really does
have bad PMS...
209
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:43,824
(turns volume up more)
210
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:44,725
But that there is something
211
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,961
that we can do
to control her mood swings.
212
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,162
(turns volume up more)
213
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:49,896
What?
214
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,132
Dad, do you want
some pastrami?!
215
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:55,135
(mutes TV)
Pastrami?
216
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,303
If we put her
on the birth control pill,
217
00:08:57,303 --> 00:09:01,174
it'll regulate
her menstrual cycle.
218
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:05,846
There never really was
any pastrami, was there?
219
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,581
Hi, Ma.
220
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,481
Hi, honey.
221
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:11,184
So Allison tells me
the doctor prescribed
222
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,954
birth control pills
for her PMS.
223
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:14,988
And my cramps.
224
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,122
And her cramps.
225
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,992
What are you,
her backup singer?
226
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,228
He didn't prescribe it,
227
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,797
he suggested it,
228
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,832
and we're considering it.
229
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:26,933
What's to consider?
230
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,169
Why do I have to go through
this torture every month?
231
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,137
You don't exactly
go through it alone,
232
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:32,372
if you get my drift.
233
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,108
Then why can't I
just go on the pill?
234
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:38,078
I mean, it's not for sex,
it's for PMS.
235
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,245
It is about sex.
236
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,981
That's what it was
invented for.
237
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,315
And it ain't gonna
protect you
238
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,985
from getting
all kinds of diseases.
239
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,753
Yeah. I know how
to use a condom, Mom.
240
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:47,688
They taught us
in eighth grade.
241
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:51,057
Remember, I had to bring
a banana to school?
242
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:52,593
Yeah, I remember.
243
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,160
But you may forget
to use a condom
244
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,295
in the heat
of the moment,
245
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:58,098
especially when
the boy knows
that you're on the pill
246
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,000
and he don't care
about your feelings,
247
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,970
because he's more
concerned about getting
his banana peeled.
248
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:06,139
(fast chopping)
249
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:10,944
What's the matter, Ma?
250
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,647
You're like a cuisinart
over there.
251
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,682
I'm not saying anything.
252
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:17,183
Fine.
253
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,154
All I'm saying is...
254
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,423
That Allison's right.
255
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,291
You should put her
on the pill.
256
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,193
Finally somebody understands.
257
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:31,331
I am gonna go upstairs
and let you two fight it out.
258
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:35,235
I can't believe
you just did that.
259
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,169
What?
260
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,204
You totally pulled the rug
out from under me
261
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,840
in front of Allison.
262
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,976
Well, all I said was
she should go on the pill.
263
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,746
Yeah. You told me
in front of her
264
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,148
to give her permission
to have sex
265
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,282
with this boy Todd,
266
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,251
who I don't like
or trust,
267
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,185
and frankly, Mom,
268
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,254
I don't trust her
any more than I trust him.
269
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:57,223
You don't know the trouble
she's been giving me
270
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,359
ever since she met
this kid Todd.
271
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,460
All I'm saying is,
272
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:05,832
I was afraid you were
gonna make the wrong choice.
273
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,134
Again.
274
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,970
Hah?
275
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,138
Franny, no offense,
276
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:14,240
but look at your life.
277
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,242
Pregnant at 17,
278
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,377
never went to college,
279
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,211
divorced,
280
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,914
and now you want to
give your daughter
281
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,984
advice on sex
when you're living
with a man
282
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,151
who's half your age
283
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,020
and you're not even
married to him?
284
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,056
I can't believe
you started that sentence
285
00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:32,458
with "no offense."
286
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,297
I'm gonna take
some guacamole
to your father.
287
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,832
Fine.
288
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,234
Ah, Josh.
Grandma!
289
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,168
Mom!
290
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,170
(cabinet door slams)
Josh.
291
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,006
Something wrong?
292
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:46,907
Your grandmother
293
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:50,443
just said the most
insensitive thing to me.
294
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,311
Uh, like what?
295
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:54,748
You got fat?
You're getting crows' feet?
296
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:57,784
Too old for Riley?
297
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,021
You know,
it's amazing to me
298
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:02,255
that you would
say all that
299
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,925
when I'm holding
a knife!
300
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:17,337
Ohh, honey,
that feels so good.
301
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,440
Is my dad liking you
any better?
302
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,341
I don't know.
303
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,344
Would you like a guy
who won bets from you
304
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,180
on 2 basketball games,
2 hockey games,
305
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:31,518
and a rerun of
the 1986 World Series?
306
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,389
He's not very good
at this.
307
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:37,524
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry,
308
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,560
and I'm not being
very helpful,
309
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,462
but my mother
is driving me nuts.
310
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,964
You know, I told Allison
311
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,099
that I did not want her
going on the pill,
312
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,434
and my mother, like,
totally undercut me
313
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,903
right in front of her.
314
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:50,704
It's awful.
315
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,905
She's turned my daughter
against me,
316
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:55,341
crapped on every decision
that I've ever made
in my life,
317
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:59,980
and she's only been here
12 freakin' hours.
318
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,415
Why don't you
just talk to her?
319
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,985
Oh, she's never
gonna change.
320
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:08,488
(sighs) I'm just gonna
have to get through this visit
321
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,156
silently resenting her
322
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:13,560
and slowly
developing an ulcer.
323
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,930
It's the way
of my people.
324
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,835
Ooh!
325
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:24,104
Going shopping was such
a great idea, Nana.
326
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:26,607
I mean, you are so right
so much of the time.
327
00:13:26,607 --> 00:13:29,475
All right, Allison,
I get it.
328
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,444
Your grandmother's
on your side.
329
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,514
Why don't you just move
down to Florida with them?
330
00:13:33,514 --> 00:13:38,418
You could go to dinner
in a golf cart
at 3:00 in the afternoon.
331
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,886
Fine. Anybody want
a cappuccino?
332
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,287
Oh, I'll have
a muffin with‐‐
333
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:43,389
she's already gone, Ma.
334
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:46,092
Thank god
she's over her PMS.
335
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:49,129
And it'll be forever
once you get her
on the pill.
336
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,165
Ma, I didn't say
that I was putting her
on the pill.
337
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,601
No offense,
but you don't want her
338
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,537
throwing her youth away
339
00:13:56,537 --> 00:13:57,571
like you did.
340
00:13:57,571 --> 00:14:01,274
Ma, you know,
just because you say
"no offense,"
341
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,243
it doesn't mean it erases
342
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,345
everything you say
after it.
343
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:09,415
Maybe I did make
a few mistakes
when I was a kid.
344
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,383
Maybe?
345
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,485
May I remind you
of the concert
that I missed
346
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,221
with that fabulous
performer that I was
dying to‐‐
347
00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:16,389
oh, for the love of God!
348
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:21,628
I am sorry that I made you miss
Marvin freakin' Hamlisch.
349
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,565
I didn't expect to get hit
by a Good Humor truck
350
00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:30,136
and bounce of the hood
of Mrs. Schwartzman's
Coupe de Ville.
351
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,939
Apology accepted.
352
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:35,075
Who apologized?!
353
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,910
I heard "sorry."
354
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:37,944
All right, well, fine.
355
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,681
Then at least give me
something to apologize for.
356
00:14:40,681 --> 00:14:43,383
Mom, you are being
an overbearing,
357
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,352
judgmental, insensitive
358
00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:47,320
bee‐atch!
359
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,922
No offense.
(gasps)
360
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:49,656
Ma!
What?
361
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,757
Todd is here.
362
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,660
I thought that he was
going away for the weekend.
363
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,628
He obviously lied.
364
00:14:54,628 --> 00:14:56,462
He's sitting
with his friends.
365
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:59,533
Ohh! What are you
gonna do?
366
00:14:59,533 --> 00:15:03,403
I'm gonna go say hi.
367
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,407
Ooh...
Ooh...
368
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,242
Come on, Ma.
369
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,911
All right.
370
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,515
Hello, Todd!
371
00:15:14,515 --> 00:15:15,716
Allison!
372
00:15:15,716 --> 00:15:17,183
I...
373
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,520
was just about to call you
374
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,523
and tell you that
I couldn't make my trip.
375
00:15:22,523 --> 00:15:24,691
You lied to me.
You said you were
going out of town.
376
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,995
Listen, uh, you've been
kind of psycho lately.
377
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:30,496
Well, excuse me.
378
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,231
It was PMS.
379
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:34,300
I know.
And when that happens...
380
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,469
It's like dating a werewolf.
381
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:40,306
You know...No matter
how cute and cuddly they are,
382
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:41,407
you don't want to be around
383
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:44,044
when they get
all like rrrrr! You know?
384
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,512
Oh, freak‐‐
385
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,547
Careful, honey.
386
00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:49,349
Security cameras.
387
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,251
You know what, Todd?
388
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,285
If you're just gonna
lie to me
389
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,454
and you're gonna
bail on me
when I need you most,
390
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,390
then I don't need
to be around you at all.
391
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:01,061
Ohh...
Ohh...
392
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,496
Huh!
393
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,198
Huh!
394
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,404
(basketball game on TV)
395
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,574
Come on! Come on!
Do it for daddy!
396
00:16:13,574 --> 00:16:14,440
What's going on?
397
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,043
Your grandfather's
about to lose to me‐‐
398
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:17,711
Again.
399
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,613
Not so fast, fraulein.
400
00:16:19,613 --> 00:16:21,582
There's still 10 seconds
left on the clock.
401
00:16:21,582 --> 00:16:23,483
All they gotta do
is sink the 3‐pointer,
402
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,119
steal the inbounds pass,
one more 3‐pointer‐‐
403
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,255
(buzzer sounds)
404
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,161
Well, Grandpa,
it took you longer to say it
405
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,998
than there was time
on the clock.
406
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,702
It's not funny anymore, God!
407
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:45,539
Oh, sweetie,
408
00:16:45,539 --> 00:16:48,041
I know that
you're sad right now.
409
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,211
I mean, he was your first
serious boyfriend
and everything.
410
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,680
But I hope you can
look back on this day
411
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,651
and realize how wonderful
you were today.
412
00:16:57,651 --> 00:16:58,685
So strong,
413
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,654
so powerful, for yourself.
414
00:17:00,654 --> 00:17:02,789
But what am I gonna do
about a boyfriend?
415
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,457
Are you kidding?
Ohh...
416
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,259
You're gonna have
so many boyfriends,
417
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:09,730
you're gonna have to
beat them off.
418
00:17:14,568 --> 00:17:18,839
With a stick, Ma!
Finish your thought.
419
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,708
(laughing)
420
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,209
Ha ha ha!
421
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:24,745
(silly giggle)
422
00:17:24,745 --> 00:17:28,348
So I made the right
decision about Todd,
Mom?
423
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,482
I think so,
honey.
424
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:32,452
So then it's possible
that I could make
good decisions
425
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:36,089
even if I'm on the pill,
right, Mom?
426
00:17:37,658 --> 00:17:40,594
I'm not saying anything.
427
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:44,665
I'm not.
428
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,467
Just think about it,
please?
429
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,134
OK.
430
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,803
Mwah!
Mwah!
Love you.
431
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:51,738
Love you.
Love you.
432
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,407
(sighs) Well,
you did something right
433
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,609
with that one.
434
00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:57,177
Yeah.
435
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,044
Oh, Mom.
436
00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:01,515
I'm sorry that I
called you the "B" word.
437
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,349
You're right.
438
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:06,687
I have made
some bad choices.
439
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:10,624
But...my kids are great.
440
00:18:10,624 --> 00:18:12,559
And I think
that Riley and I
441
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,595
are a good example
for Allison.
442
00:18:14,595 --> 00:18:16,362
We love each other.
443
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:18,164
We're very committed.
444
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:19,199
I know.
445
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:22,536
But you know the most
important thing about this?
446
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:23,469
What?
447
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:26,206
Is that you said
I was right.
448
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,173
Ma!
449
00:18:27,173 --> 00:18:29,710
I'm kidding!
450
00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:32,613
Mom, do you think
that you can trust me
451
00:18:32,613 --> 00:18:35,248
to make the right
decisions, too?
452
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,382
Yes, sweetheart.
453
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:40,286
But you have to do the same
with your daughter.
454
00:18:40,754 --> 00:18:42,255
You're right, ma.
455
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,591
I don't want Allison
to suffer.
456
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,561
I'll let her
go on the pill.
457
00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:51,497
And I'll just
go into denial.
458
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:56,670
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
459
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,473
OK, we're loaded up.
460
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,510
Honey, leave some money
for the grandkids.
461
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,378
I can't.
462
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,747
Why not?
463
00:19:06,747 --> 00:19:09,415
You have a wallet
filled with cash.
464
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:11,652
I was robbed.
465
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,587
When? You never
left the couch.
466
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,255
So I was robbed
on the couch.
467
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:16,823
What are you, a cop?
468
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:17,858
Daddy...
469
00:19:17,858 --> 00:19:19,626
Come on, Bernie.
Show her.
470
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:20,594
What?
471
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,629
Check your pocket.
472
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,797
What?
473
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:24,931
Let me see that.
What the hell is‐‐
474
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:29,670
he wanted to surprise you,
but I wanted to see your face.
475
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:30,537
Ohh!
476
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:31,905
Oh, my god!
477
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:33,439
I can't breathe!
478
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:36,476
Wow! A weekend
at the Fontainbleau
in Miami
479
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,379
and 2 tickets
to Marvin Hamlisch.
480
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,247
I'm off the hook!
481
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:42,949
Ha ha ha ha!
482
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:43,750
Oh, honey!
483
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:47,453
Your father's
gettin' lucky tonight.
484
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,622
Oh, boy.
485
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:50,957
I mean I'm gonna cook.
486
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,793
Oh, boy.
487
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,394
Princess!
488
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,429
Ooh! Goodbye, gorgeous.
Mwah!
489
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,898
Great to see you,
Cookie.
490
00:19:57,898 --> 00:19:59,499
The same here.
491
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:00,500
Your man is OK.
492
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:01,835
Oh, thank you,
Daddy.
493
00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:04,270
All right, kid.
You done good.
494
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:07,674
Listen. You find someone
to take her to that
Hamlisch thing
495
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,475
and you're in my will.
496
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,444
(laughing)
497
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,313
Oh ho ho ho,
498
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:16,550
you were a sly one.
499
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:19,285
You took the winnings
from my dad
500
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:22,455
and bought the tickets,
didn't you?
501
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:23,824
It's the least I could do.
502
00:20:23,824 --> 00:20:25,792
After all,
it is Hamlisch.
503
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,360
(giggles)
504
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,762
Hey, you don't even know
505
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:31,598
who Marvin Hamlisch is,
do ya?
506
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:32,498
Not really.
507
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:34,535
What about
A Chorus Line?
508
00:20:34,535 --> 00:20:35,536
Oh!
509
00:20:35,536 --> 00:20:36,837
Really?
510
00:20:36,837 --> 00:20:38,505
No.
511
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:40,340
Oy.
Come here.
512
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,241
(both chuckling)
513
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:48,481
Captioned by The National
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