Original subtitles

No, Esther, this food is not for you.

But Grandpa will be sitting here,

get underneath,

and it'll rain deliciousness.

Josh, while your grandparents are here,

can you pretend you don't hate your mom and me being together?

Try to avoid phrases like,

"One thing I could say about Riley‐‐

his parole officer loves him."

Yeah, and don't be saying,

"I know he's at least part German."

Come on. I never said any of that.

Grandpa must have read my journal.

Oh, come on, Josh, you know, their first visit didn't go very well,

and Riley's afraid that now that we're living together,

Grandpa's gonna think that I'm supporting him.

A fear that you have managed to overcome.

This time your grandparents aren't leaving

until your grandpa accepts me.

Oh, so they're moving in.

Bite your tongue.

Just be on your best behavior, would you?

Fine. You don't have to worry about me.

Allison's the problem.

She threw a Barbie doll at me when I went past her room.

So? She always does that.

This time she sharpened the feet.

Oh, no.

She's got PMS?

Ohh! Just when my mother's coming.

Well, you know this is all gonna be my fault.

How?

Isn't it obvious?

I had Allison 2 weeks premature

so she would get her period

just on the week that they're coming to visit!

I don't get that at all from your mother.

I mean, she's such a sweet lady.

Uh! To you, maybe.

Because you didn't ruin her chance

to see Marvin Hamlisch at the Westbury Music Fair

just because you had the nerve to get hit by a truck.

Good morning, Allison. You look pretty to‐‐

this orange juice has pulp.

What the hell kind of animal buys pulpy orange juice?

Riley did the shopping.

Kind of sold me out there, babe.

I'm sorry, honey. I panicked.

Well, you only have yourself to blame, Mom.

We all know I was an accident.

Her you had on purpose.

(doorbell rings)

Oh! They're here.

OK. OK. Look.

They're only gonna be here for 3 days.

So between eating, napping,

and constant visits to the bathroom,

what are we talking about, really?

Three hours, tops?

Ohh! Sweetie!

Ma!

Ohh! Ohh!

Let me look at you!

(giggles)

Where's my little princess?

Daddy!

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, Joshie!

Joshie, look at you. You're such a beautiful boy.

Joshele! Hoo hoo hoo!

He looks just like I did when I was 17.

I'm 21, Grandpa.

Here's 20 bucks.

Mom, Dad,

you remember Riley.

Hi, Cookie.

Ohh...

Mmm! MM...Mwah!

You are still so gorgeous.

Bernie.

Huh?

Say hello to Riley.

I did. I did.

He nodded, I nodded back.

What do you want us to do,

pick bugs out of each other's heads?

Todd, you can't go out of town.

What kind of boyfriend are you?

Now I have no excuse to avoid my grandparents.

No‐‐not you. Not you.

No. Tad's parents. Yeah.

We just got the word. They're...

Alive again.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Now wait a minute.

When we moved to Florida, you were 12.

Grandpa, I know how old I am.

Bernie, would you like your bagel with a schmear

or just bupkis?

Easy on the yiddish, shlomo.

You'll hurt yourself.

What's a shlomo?

Is that like a Jewish gay guy?

Honey, if he thought you were gay,

he wouldn't hate you.

He hates me?

No.

Josh, did you eat the last raisin bagel?

Um...

I think Riley did.

Thanks a lot, Riley!

My boyfriend's out of town

and you have to go and take

the only other thing in the world

that I love?

(sobbing loudly)

Why is everybody selling me out?

I wouldn't stand for it. I'd leave.

What, Ma?

I'm not saying anything.

Fine.

All I'm saying

is that if that was my daughter,

I'd be upstairs seeing what's wrong with her.

Ma, I know what's wrong with her.

She's premenstrual.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's food here.

Well, I'm off to work.

Franny, remember when you started menstruating‐‐

OK! Heh heh heh.

I'm gonna go watch a game.

All right, this is my chance.

He likes sports, I like sports.

I'm going in there to schmooze.

That's a great idea.

Give him that beer,

and then he'll forget how much he hates you.

So he does hate me.

No.

Allison, SCREAMING: Mom! Your stupid dog is looking at me!

Esther, run!

So...

How do you like living in Florida?

You're not gonna be talking through the whole game, are you?

My money's on the Bulls.

Yeah?

How much?

Oh, I don't actually want to put a bet down.

I just mean I'm a fan.

Ah.

But you do work? You do have cash?

I mean, not everything is on Franny's dime, huh?

How much we talkin' here?

50?

50? Oh, too much?

Maybe you better ask your husband, Mary.

Make it 100.

Whoa...Look who's growing a pair.

(chuckles)

But, uh, listen, uh...

Don't tell my wife.

She's not nuts about my gambling.

Not that she wears the pants.

Just don't tell my wife.

FRAN: OK.

Hey, babe. Where you going?

I'm taking Allison to the gynecologist.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on. What is she, 10 years old?

She doesn't have to go there.

I'm 16, Grandpa.

Stop asking questions.

I hate my life.

I just want to dig a big hole and live in it.

Ohh...And that's why she's going.

(basketball game on tv)

3, 2, 1‐‐

(buzzer sounds) It's up!

Oh, no good! Ohh!

(groans)

I tell you, if I ever meet that punk

Shaquille O'Neal...

I'd probably ask for his autograph.

Take it, take it. You won.

So I'll take a few less heart pills.

Bernie...

It's a joke. It's a joke.

You Germans got no sense of humor.

Double or nothing on the hockey game.

Look at them just sitting there,

not bloating or anything.

You know, if you had tried a little bit harder,

I could have been a boy.

Well, that was my afternoon.

How was yours?

What happened?

Well, the gynecologist...

(turns volume up)

said that she really does have bad PMS...

(turns volume up more)

But that there is something

that we can do to control her mood swings.

(turns volume up more)

What?

Dad, do you want some pastrami?!

(mutes TV) Pastrami?

If we put her on the birth control pill,

it'll regulate her menstrual cycle.

There never really was any pastrami, was there?

Hi, Ma.

Hi, honey.

So Allison tells me the doctor prescribed

birth control pills for her PMS.

And my cramps.

And her cramps.

What are you, her backup singer?

He didn't prescribe it,

he suggested it,

and we're considering it.

What's to consider?

Why do I have to go through this torture every month?

You don't exactly go through it alone,

if you get my drift.

Then why can't I just go on the pill?

I mean, it's not for sex, it's for PMS.

It is about sex.

That's what it was invented for.

And it ain't gonna protect you

from getting all kinds of diseases.

Yeah. I know how to use a condom, Mom.

They taught us in eighth grade.

Remember, I had to bring a banana to school?

Yeah, I remember.

But you may forget to use a condom

in the heat of the moment,

especially when the boy knows that you're on the pill

and he don't care about your feelings,

because he's more concerned about getting his banana peeled.

(fast chopping)

What's the matter, Ma?

You're like a cuisinart over there.

I'm not saying anything.

Fine.

All I'm saying is...

That Allison's right.

You should put her on the pill.

Finally somebody understands.

I am gonna go upstairs and let you two fight it out.

I can't believe you just did that.

What?

You totally pulled the rug out from under me

in front of Allison.

Well, all I said was she should go on the pill.

Yeah. You told me in front of her

to give her permission to have sex

with this boy Todd,

who I don't like or trust,

and frankly, Mom,

I don't trust her any more than I trust him.

You don't know the trouble she's been giving me

ever since she met this kid Todd.

All I'm saying is,

I was afraid you were gonna make the wrong choice.

Again.

Hah?

Franny, no offense,

but look at your life.

Pregnant at 17,

never went to college,

divorced,

and now you want to give your daughter

advice on sex when you're living with a man

who's half your age

and you're not even married to him?

I can't believe you started that sentence

with "no offense."

I'm gonna take some guacamole to your father.

Fine.

Ah, Josh. Grandma!

Mom!

(cabinet door slams) Josh.

Something wrong?

Your grandmother

just said the most insensitive thing to me.

Uh, like what?

You got fat? You're getting crows' feet?

Too old for Riley?

You know, it's amazing to me

that you would say all that

when I'm holding a knife!

Ohh, honey, that feels so good.

Is my dad liking you any better?

I don't know.

Would you like a guy who won bets from you

on 2 basketball games, 2 hockey games,

and a rerun of the 1986 World Series?

He's not very good at this.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry,

and I'm not being very helpful,

but my mother is driving me nuts.

You know, I told Allison

that I did not want her going on the pill,

and my mother, like, totally undercut me

right in front of her.

It's awful.

She's turned my daughter against me,

crapped on every decision that I've ever made in my life,

and she's only been here 12 freakin' hours.

Why don't you just talk to her?

Oh, she's never gonna change.

(sighs) I'm just gonna have to get through this visit

silently resenting her

and slowly developing an ulcer.

It's the way of my people.

Ooh!

Going shopping was such a great idea, Nana.

I mean, you are so right so much of the time.

All right, Allison, I get it.

Your grandmother's on your side.

Why don't you just move down to Florida with them?

You could go to dinner in a golf cart at 3:00 in the afternoon.

Fine. Anybody want a cappuccino?

Oh, I'll have a muffin with‐‐

she's already gone, Ma.

Thank god she's over her PMS.

And it'll be forever once you get her on the pill.

Ma, I didn't say that I was putting her on the pill.

No offense, but you don't want her

throwing her youth away

like you did.

Ma, you know, just because you say "no offense,"

it doesn't mean it erases

everything you say after it.

Maybe I did make a few mistakes when I was a kid.

Maybe?

May I remind you of the concert that I missed

with that fabulous performer that I was dying to‐‐

oh, for the love of God!

I am sorry that I made you miss Marvin freakin' Hamlisch.

I didn't expect to get hit by a Good Humor truck

and bounce of the hood of Mrs. Schwartzman's Coupe de Ville.

Apology accepted.

Who apologized?!

I heard "sorry."

All right, well, fine.

Then at least give me something to apologize for.

Mom, you are being an overbearing,

judgmental, insensitive

bee‐atch!

No offense. (gasps)

Ma! What?

Todd is here.

I thought that he was going away for the weekend.

He obviously lied.

He's sitting with his friends.

Ohh! What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go say hi.

Ooh... Ooh...

Come on, Ma.

All right.

Hello, Todd!

Allison!

I...

was just about to call you

and tell you that I couldn't make my trip.

You lied to me. You said you were going out of town.

Listen, uh, you've been kind of psycho lately.

Well, excuse me.

It was PMS.

I know. And when that happens...

It's like dating a werewolf.

You know...No matter how cute and cuddly they are,

you don't want to be around

when they get all like rrrrr! You know?

Oh, freak‐‐

Careful, honey.

Security cameras.

You know what, Todd?

If you're just gonna lie to me

and you're gonna bail on me when I need you most,

then I don't need to be around you at all.

Ohh... Ohh...

Huh!

Huh!

(basketball game on TV)

Come on! Come on! Do it for daddy!

What's going on?

Your grandfather's about to lose to me‐‐

Again.

Not so fast, fraulein.

There's still 10 seconds left on the clock.

All they gotta do is sink the 3‐pointer,

steal the inbounds pass, one more 3‐pointer‐‐

(buzzer sounds)

Well, Grandpa, it took you longer to say it

than there was time on the clock.

It's not funny anymore, God!

Oh, sweetie,

I know that you're sad right now.

I mean, he was your first serious boyfriend and everything.

But I hope you can look back on this day

and realize how wonderful you were today.

So strong,

so powerful, for yourself.

But what am I gonna do about a boyfriend?

Are you kidding? Ohh...

You're gonna have so many boyfriends,

you're gonna have to beat them off.

With a stick, Ma! Finish your thought.

(laughing)

Ha ha ha!

(silly giggle)

So I made the right decision about Todd, Mom?

I think so, honey.

So then it's possible that I could make good decisions

even if I'm on the pill, right, Mom?

I'm not saying anything.

I'm not.

Just think about it, please?

OK.

Mwah! Mwah! Love you.

Love you. Love you.

(sighs) Well, you did something right

with that one.

Yeah.

Oh, Mom.

I'm sorry that I called you the "B" word.

You're right.

I have made some bad choices.

But...my kids are great.

And I think that Riley and I

are a good example for Allison.

We love each other.

We're very committed.

I know.

But you know the most important thing about this?

What?

Is that you said I was right.

Ma!

I'm kidding!

Mom, do you think that you can trust me

to make the right decisions, too?

Yes, sweetheart.

But you have to do the same with your daughter.

You're right, ma.

I don't want Allison to suffer.

I'll let her go on the pill.

And I'll just go into denial.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

OK, we're loaded up.

Honey, leave some money for the grandkids.

I can't.

Why not?

You have a wallet filled with cash.

I was robbed.

When? You never left the couch.

So I was robbed on the couch.

What are you, a cop?

Daddy...

Come on, Bernie. Show her.

What?

Check your pocket.

What?

Let me see that. What the hell is‐‐

he wanted to surprise you, but I wanted to see your face.

Ohh!

Oh, my god!

I can't breathe!

Wow! A weekend at the Fontainbleau in Miami

and 2 tickets to Marvin Hamlisch.

I'm off the hook!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, honey!

Your father's gettin' lucky tonight.

Oh, boy.

I mean I'm gonna cook.

Oh, boy.

Princess!

Ooh! Goodbye, gorgeous. Mwah!

Great to see you, Cookie.

The same here.

Your man is OK.

Oh, thank you, Daddy.

All right, kid. You done good.

Listen. You find someone to take her to that Hamlisch thing

and you're in my will.

(laughing)

Oh ho ho ho,

you were a sly one.

You took the winnings from my dad

and bought the tickets, didn't you?

It's the least I could do.

After all, it is Hamlisch.

(giggles)

Hey, you don't even know

who Marvin Hamlisch is, do ya?

Not really.

What about A Chorus Line?

Oh!

Really?

No.

Oy. Come here.

(both chuckling)

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute