Original subtitles

Oh, come on, Riley.

Ever since Ashton and Demi tied the knot,

couples like us is all anybody wants to read about.

Do we really have to talk about our private life in the newspaper?

It's bad enough you told your nail lady that I got a birthmark

the shape of Portugal on my butt.

Listen, nobody's going to read this

except for a handful of women in Long Island‐‐

and my ex‐husband.

Why would Ted pick up a copy of Long Island Living?

Because I'm going to dump 2,000 copies in his car.

How'd this reporter find out about us anyway?

Oh, a relative called.

Who?

Fran Aronsen.

Isn't that your maiden name?

Maybe.

Okay. If you really want to do this, fine. I'll do it.

Just so long as we don't have to put on a big show.

Oh, you know me better than that.

So, we're going to put on a big show.

You know, this is going to be a great advertisement

for my decorating business,

not to mention your construction business.

Millions of people are going to read this.

Millions? But you said only a handful of people would read this.

Well, I was lying to get my way.

Gee, Riley, sometimes you act like you don't even know me.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, who's this?

Aha.

Hello, Fran.

Hi, Ted.

Riley.

Ted.

Half‐day at school today?

No, they sent me home early

to study sex education with your wife.

Sex education?

Don't you mean ancient jewish history?

Ha ha. You can laugh at my expense.

I bought an entire wardrobe at yours.

Allison, your biological father's here!

Hey, Riley, you know,

if we're going to have a reporter come to the house,

I think that we should clean this rug,

because esther put the "P" in Persian.

Can we move the couch?

Yeah, all right.

Okay. Okay.

Ready...And up. Yep.

And down, down, down.

I need a beverage.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, princess. Ready for your driving lesson?

Yes, but please wait until we clear the driveway

this time before you start screaming,

"Oh, bloody hell! Are you trying to kill me?"

(chuckles)

That's funny.

That's what you used to say to my divorce lawyer.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, good.

(imitates Dr. Evil) Dr. Evil's gone,

Sorry, Mini‐Me. No such luck.

Okay, you just stop it, you two.

Don't worry about it, Mom.

I'm going to have to go

or else I'm going to be late for work.

Late to the video store?

Oh, do they charge you a fee for that?

You know, Ted, you see the boy for one minute.

Can't you think of something else to talk about?

Hmm. Well, let's see.

What other subject can we exhaust in one minute?

Oh, I know. How's your love life?

You're right, Dad. I can't compete with you there.

I'm going to have to get a much better job

before women will sleep with me for my money.

Well, Ted, need a little ice for that burn?

Hmm.

Hey, Ted, could you help me move this couch before you go?

Uhh. Well, Riley, it's not that I wouldn't love to help you.

Well, actually, it is.

Oh, leave him alone.

He's no spring chicken, Riley.

I mean, he couldn't lift that couch

if there was a hooker planted under it.

Please. I can move a sofa a few feet, thank you.

Well, what about your back?

Ah, I feel fine.

Ready?

And up.

And down.

See, I knew you didn't have the back for it.

Well, the laugh's on you, Fran,

because my back's never felt better.

It's my chest.

Oh, my god!

Are you having a heart attack?

Please, I'm a doctor.

I think I'd know if I was having a heart attack.

For a start, my left arm would go numb.

Be a lamb and dial 911, would you?

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicaTed ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Hi, Ted.

How are you feeling?

You had a little procedure.

Now you're coming down from the drugs.

In the meantime, tell me where the key is

for the safe deposit box that you're hiding from me.

Daddy, are you really going to be okay?

Oh, absolutely, princess. Don't you worry.

I'll be dancing at your wedding.

Her wedding? He's delusional.

You had an angioplasty, Dad.

You're going to be okay.

You just need to take it easy

for a couple weeks, all right?

No challenging activities.

Well, then perhaps I should get a job at your video store.

He's back.

I had to park, like, 18 blocks away.

I know it's a hospital,

but how many handicapped spaces do you really need?

How you feeling, Ted?

Why? You need help moving a piano?

Hello, Dr. Reeves.

Ah, the beautiful Stacy.

Time for a sponge bath, I hope.

Well, at least we know

one of his organs is still working.

HI. I'm Fran, Ted's ex‐wife.

HI. Nice to meet you.

Well, I can see that you've always had a taste for younger women.

Oh.

Gee, you know, they say that hospitals are depressing,

but I don't see it.

So, how did this happen?

It's all my fault.

I would've never asked him to move the couch

if I knew he was so frail.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

Dr. Reeves should know that we all need to be more careful

as we get older.

Ouch. You need to work on your bedside manner.

Here, hop in.

I'm his daughter. Is he going to die?

Oh, no, sweetie, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.

Then can I please go to a party?

Because my boyfriend's in the lobby.

Allison!

That's all right, Fran. You run along, pumpkin.

I promise I'll be back tomorrow.

Mwah. I love you.

Oh...

Oh, Stacy, this is my son Josh.

Save your strength, Dad.

I dropped out of medical school,

and now I work in a dead‐end job.

That about cover it?

I'm going to go find a soda machine.

Is there one that I can get to

without passing something gross on the way?

Actually, they've got drinks in the gift shop.

I'll take you there in a minute.

All right, Dr. Reeves. You're going to want to start thinking about

what you're going to do when you get home.

You're going to need to stay off your feet

and have somebody care for your needs.

Hmm. Right. I'll make you a key.

Ha! You just never give up, do you?

Bye, everybody.

FRAN, TED: Bye.

Fran, I need to talk to you in the hall.

Why?

What?

Who's going to take care of Ted

when he gets out of the hospital?

Who cares?

He should stay with us.

We are kind of responsible for his heart attack.

Ted can afford to hire a professional to tend to his needs.

Trust me, he did it plenty of times when we were married.

Fran...

Well, I'm sorry. It took me 19 years

to get him out of the house.

It's just like him to have a heart attack

and weasel his way back in.

You and the kids are his only family.

We don't know that.

I once got a call from a woman in the Philippines.

I don't know what the hell she was sayin',

but she sounded pissed.

Ooh, pudding.

Hey, Riley, ready for my driving lesson?

Yeah, let's go.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

Take my new porsche.

Oh!

I'll drive.

You know, Ted, it was really Riley's idea

to have you stay with us.

Well, it's understandable.

He doesn't know me as well as you do.

(chuckling)

You know, I don't know if it's the painkillers talking or what,

but...Well, sometimes I think I could have been a better husband.

You think?

You know what your problem always was, Ted?

You always had something to prove.

You wanted to stay 25 forever.

Are you seriously sitting there telling me

I should act my age after kissing your 28‐year‐old boyfriend

while leaking botox from your forehead?

You know, for your information,

I don't do botox. See?

(telephone rings)

Yo.

Oh, yes. Uh‐huh.

Absolutely.

Okay, yes. Thank you. See you. Bye.

Get up! Get out now!

All right, all right.

I'm sorry about the botox comment.

No! No, it isn't that!

There's a reporter that's coming in an hour

to do a story on me and Riley,

and because of you and your stupid heart attack,

I completely forgot!

Okay, okay, I'll go back to my room.

Wait a minute! Wait, wait!

What?!

Can you help me move the couch?!

We want to get this in tomorrow's edition,

so if you don't mind,

I'd like to get started.

Oh, excellent.

Okay, well, ask me whatever you'd like.

My life is an open book.

Let's get some background first.

Your boyfriend is 28 and you are...?

Just so happy that you're here.

Now, you were married before you met your boyfriend?

Yes.

Does that ever cause any problems?

Oh, no, no.

My ex‐husband is completely part of my past.

Fran, where's the aspirin?

Who's that?

My ex‐husband.

Uh, the aspirin's in the kitchen, Ted.

You know, he had a mild coronary,

and, well, what better place for him to recover

than with his loving, age‐blended family?

Pardon me.

Ted! What are you doing out here?

I told you to stay in your room!

Well, I'm sorry, but I have to have aspirin

so I don't get another heart attack.

Oh, wah, wah, wah!

"I'm Ted. I had a heart attack.

I almost died."

News flash! Other people have problems, too.

I'm trying to convince that woman out there

that we are a happy and loving family,

and you are not helping, mister.

She's standing right behind me, isn't she?

Ah ha ha ha ha!

You know, his doctor told me

that the best therapy is tough love.

I mean, it kills me to do it.

It kills me.

But if it'll save his life...

(whispering) Get into your room!

Hello.

Oh, look who's here‐‐

my loving and wonderful son Josh.

Oh, what a surprise.

And the nurse from the hospital, Stacy.

Hi, Fran.

Hi.

What are you doin' with her?

We're dating.

I can't wait to see the look on Dad's face.

If the first heart attack didn't kill him, this one is‐‐

Josh!

Josh, uh, this is Catherine Johnson.

She's a reporter doing a story

on our happy, loving home,

as you can tell by the fact

that she is writing down every word you say!

Stacy? Hi, Dr. Reeves.

She's with me. We're together.

(cell phone rings)

Excuse me one second.

So you two are together? Since when?

Since I asked her out and she said yes,

which, uh, to refresh your memory,

is just after you asked her out and she said no.

Hey, would you like to see the garden?

No.

That was the hospital.

They're really short‐handed in the E. R.,

so I'm sorry, but I've got to go.

I'll call you later, Josh.

I hope you feel better, Dr. Reeves.

Bye, Fran.

Bye‐bye, darling.

Well, doesn't the house have a nice flow to it?

People come and go.

Hey, I'm a little thirsty.

Why don't you and me go into the kitchen,

have an assload of wine?

No, thank you, but if you're going that way,

I'll take some water.

Oh. Oh, well... All right.

Oh, I see, Josh.

Trying to get back at me

by dating the woman I'm interested in, hmm?

Well, I wonder, does she know you had a mental breakdown,

which was why you were tossed out of med school?

She does, and she feels there's plenty of time

to reboot my life since I'm young,

the way she likes them.

Josh, what are you doing with this woman?

Whatever she'll let me.

Only not here!

You see...

I don't like casual sex in my home

because I'm always thinking

about my teenage daughter's welfare.

Your boyfriend gave me a black eye.

What?!

What did you do to my daughter?

Hey, I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen.

She's lucky she still has all her teeth.

Would you like to see the den?

What, are you crazy?

Okay, here's the thing.

Let's go into the kitchen

and put some ice on that eye...

All of us!

Meanwhile, the grapes with the gruyère,

a symphony in the mouth.

I don't believe this.

One reporter comes to see me,

and all of a sudden, we're the gottis?

I reached over and accidentally

clipped her in the eye with my elbow

when she took both hands off the wheel to fix her hair.

After all the years of watching me drive,

you don't know to steer with your knee

when you're fixing your hair?!

I was balancing a soda.

Okay, well, now I'm either going to have to convince this woman

that this is not the real us,

or kill her, bury her in the basement,

and say we've never seen her before.

Well, that was her walking out the door, wasn't it?

Well, I just want to say,

I hate you all.

Hi, Catherine.

I hope you get this message.

It's Fran Reeves.

You know...Ha ha ha!

The funniest thing happened.

My twin sister Rhonda was over here at the house

rehearsing a play about a crazy family.

Oh, her machine cut me off.

You think she bought any of that?

I don't think so, Rhonda.

Well, then I better call her again.

Fran? What?

It's over.

She's gonna write what she's gonna write.

You know we work as a family.

What do you care what other people think?

Oh, I don't care what other people think.

But other people care what other people think,

and I care about those people.

Well, I'm off.

I'm taking my new girlfriend to Dad's favorite restaurant.

And you know what?

I finally know how you guys feel.

What do you mean?

I mean, how great it is

that you always get to rub him in Dad's face.

You think that's what we do?

Josh! I'm not with Riley to spite your father.

We're together because we love each other.

You know, I don't like this side of you, mister.

The man had a heart attack, Josh,

and now is when you decide to get even with him?

You know, I know that he is very critical of you,

but when are you gonna get past that?

I mean, don't you realize

that your life is gonna be just so much happier

when you stop worrying what someone else thinks?

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have something to take care of.

Fran!

What was that all about?

She still upset about the article?

No, she's upset about you.

Josh, you know I'm not the biggest fan of your father,

but your mom's right.

You're acting like a total ass.

Oh, come on. I'm just doing to him

what he's always done to me.

Don't I at least get one victory?

To me, it's not much of a victory

if you start acting like the guy that you hate.

Hmm?

Yeah, well, if I'm a total ass, what's that make you?

The guy who's sleeping with the mother of a total ass.

Oh, yeah, I went there.

Oh, my god! What happened now?!

I wasn't even in the car.

It was the guy giving me the driving test.

Apparently some people can't say,

"(gasp) Watch out!" Without goin' like this!

But on the upside, he felt really bad and passed me.

I have a license, so have a really nice life.

I will swing by for birthdays and Hanukkah.

Allison behind the wheel.

God help us all!

Yeah, I'll warn the neighbors

to keep small children and pets indoors.

(sigh) All right, I just told Stacy

we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore.

Why? Because I was using her to get back at Dad

and I didn't feel good about it.

Also, she found out and broke up with me.

You were right, I was wrong. Good day.

Hold it.

Mom, do you really have to say,

(whiny) "I told you so"?

No, but you have to talk to your father.

Ted, come out here a minute!

Mom!

Josh, you have 21 years of repressed anger towards him.

You have to let it out,

so you don't keep doing stupid stuff like this anymore.

Okay, all right, fine.

Oh, it's all right. Stay where you are.

It's probably better that I come to all of you.

I mean, after all, I am the one with the heart condition.

You know, after this, maybe I'll clean the gutters.

Go, Josh.

All right. Yes.

Dad, there's...

There's something I've wanted to say for a long time.

Well, there's something I've been wanting to say to you, son.

I've been doing some thinking recently,

and your mother's right.

I shouldn't be fighting

with my own son over a woman.

I should be acting more my own age.

And I'm far too old to be driving a porsche,

so I want you to have it.

You are the best daddy ever.

I'll be back in an hour.

I'm goin' "vroom."

Well, Ted.

Hey, Riley, say hello to the new Ted.

What's he gonna fill that gas tank with

on a video store salary, huh?

Twizzlers? Ha ha!

Wait till he sees the first insurance payment.

He'll be back in med school in a week!

Oh, my god, I'm a genius!

Riley, say good‐bye to the new Ted.

I see the paper came.

Did you read the article?

No. I was afraid to open it.

If you're not gonna read it, I will.

Oh, gimme. Gimme.

Maybe it's not as bad as you think.

Maybe one of my relatives called that reporter

and explained a few things.

Who? Douglas Martin.

Douglas? Isn't that your middle name?

Maybe.

(chuckling)

Hmm...

Just read it.

Okay..."Publicity hungry... Bizarre father‐son girl‐swapping...

Cheap cheese." Well, that's just vicious.

Keep reading.

Okay, "Sometimes these relationships don't work out,

as is the case with this 28‐year‐old man

and his 38‐year‐old girlfriend."

Oh, 38!

Oh, Riley!

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute