Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,734 --> 00:00:03,303
Oh, come on, Riley.
2
00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:05,305
Ever since Ashton
and Demi tied the knot,
3
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:09,610
couples like us
is all anybody wants
to read about.
4
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:12,646
Do we really have to talk
about our private life
in the newspaper?
5
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:16,049
It's bad enough you told
your nail lady that
I got a birthmark
6
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,519
the shape of Portugal
on my butt.
7
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,621
Listen, nobody's
going to read this
8
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:24,057
except for a handful of
women in Long Island‐‐
9
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:25,191
and my ex‐husband.
10
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,260
Why would Ted pick up a copy
of Long Island Living?
11
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:31,598
Because I'm going
to dump 2,000 copies
in his car.
12
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:35,435
How'd this reporter
find out about us anyway?
13
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,270
Oh, a relative called.
14
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:38,238
Who?
15
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,541
Fran Aronsen.
16
00:00:41,407 --> 00:00:43,510
Isn't that
your maiden name?
17
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,078
Maybe.
18
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:48,815
Okay. If you really want to
do this, fine. I'll do it.
19
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:51,718
Just so long as we don't
have to put on a big show.
20
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:54,420
Oh, you know me
better than that.
21
00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:57,658
So, we're going
to put on a big show.
22
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:00,827
You know, this is going
to be a great advertisement
23
00:01:00,827 --> 00:01:02,796
for my decorating
business,
24
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:06,132
not to mention
your construction business.
25
00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:07,768
Millions of people
are going to read this.
26
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:11,705
Millions? But you said
only a handful of people
would read this.
27
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:16,577
Well, I was lying
to get my way.
28
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:21,114
Gee, Riley, sometimes you act
like you don't even know me.
29
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:21,882
(doorbell rings)
30
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:25,786
Oh, who's this?
31
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,721
Aha.
32
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,222
Hello, Fran.
33
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:30,657
Hi, Ted.
34
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,158
Riley.
35
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,126
Ted.
36
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:35,128
Half‐day at school today?
37
00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:37,130
No, they sent me
home early
38
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:40,801
to study sex education
with your wife.
39
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,868
Sex education?
40
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:45,305
Don't you mean
ancient jewish history?
41
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:48,909
Ha ha. You can laugh
at my expense.
42
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:52,813
I bought an entire
wardrobe at yours.
43
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:57,383
Allison, your biological
father's here!
44
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:58,451
Hey, Riley, you know,
45
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,253
if we're going
to have a reporter
come to the house,
46
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,388
I think that
we should clean this rug,
47
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:06,492
because esther
put the "P" in Persian.
48
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:08,862
Can we move the couch?
49
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,196
Yeah, all right.
50
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,231
Okay. Okay.
51
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,167
Ready...And up.
Yep.
52
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:16,169
And down, down, down.
53
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,239
I need a beverage.
54
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:21,341
Hi, Daddy.
55
00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:22,475
Hello, princess. Ready
for your driving lesson?
56
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,512
Yes, but please
wait until we clear
the driveway
57
00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:26,580
this time before
you start screaming,
58
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:30,216
"Oh, bloody hell!
Are you trying
to kill me?"
59
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:30,917
(chuckles)
60
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:31,985
That's funny.
61
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,589
That's what
you used to say
to my divorce lawyer.
62
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:36,923
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, good.
63
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:40,160
(imitates Dr. Evil)
Dr. Evil's gone,
64
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,696
Sorry, Mini‐Me.
No such luck.
65
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,498
Okay, you just stop it,
you two.
66
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,533
Don't worry
about it, Mom.
67
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:47,634
I'm going
to have to go
68
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,235
or else I'm going to be
late for work.
69
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:50,070
Late to the video store?
70
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:53,273
Oh, do they charge you
a fee for that?
71
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:55,909
You know, Ted, you see
the boy for one minute.
72
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:59,479
Can't you think
of something else
to talk about?
73
00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:00,480
Hmm.
Well, let's see.
74
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,616
What other subject
can we exhaust in one minute?
75
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:05,919
Oh, I know.
How's your love life?
76
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,221
You're right, Dad.
I can't compete
with you there.
77
00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,590
I'm going to have
to get a much better job
78
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,893
before women will sleep
with me for my money.
79
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,462
Well, Ted, need a little
ice for that burn?
80
00:03:16,462 --> 00:03:17,664
Hmm.
81
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:18,899
Hey, Ted, could you
help me move this couch
before you go?
82
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:24,571
Uhh. Well, Riley,
it's not that I wouldn't
love to help you.
83
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,940
Well, actually, it is.
84
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,374
Oh, leave him alone.
85
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,843
He's no
spring chicken, Riley.
86
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,477
I mean, he couldn't
lift that couch
87
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:35,015
if there was a hooker
planted under it.
88
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:39,319
Please. I can move a sofa
a few feet, thank you.
89
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:41,287
Well, what about
your back?
90
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:42,589
Ah, I feel fine.
91
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,257
Ready?
92
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,358
And up.
93
00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:47,327
And down.
94
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,930
See, I knew you didn't
have the back for it.
95
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,431
Well, the laugh's
on you, Fran,
96
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:53,600
because my back's
never felt better.
97
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,035
It's my chest.
98
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,002
Oh, my god!
99
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,971
Are you having
a heart attack?
100
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:58,972
Please,
I'm a doctor.
101
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,007
I think I'd know if I was
having a heart attack.
102
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:04,277
For a start, my left arm
would go numb.
103
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:08,715
Be a lamb and
dial 911, would you?
104
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,354
♪ And I ♪
105
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,657
♪ Feel beautiful
right now ♪
106
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,726
♪ For the first time
in a long time ♪
107
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:22,629
♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪
108
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:24,565
♪ And life ♪
109
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,733
♪ Gets better every day ♪
110
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,936
♪ Though it seems
so complicaTed ♪
111
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,037
♪ We're gonna work it out ♪
112
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:33,039
♪ Whatever comes our way ♪
113
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:39,980
Hi, Ted.
114
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,414
How are you feeling?
115
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,750
You had
a little procedure.
116
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,452
Now you're coming down
from the drugs.
117
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:49,422
In the meantime,
tell me where the key is
118
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:54,427
for the safe
deposit box that
you're hiding from me.
119
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:57,363
Daddy, are you really
going to be okay?
120
00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:59,633
Oh, absolutely, princess.
Don't you worry.
121
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,602
I'll be dancing
at your wedding.
122
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:05,038
Her wedding?
He's delusional.
123
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,507
You had
an angioplasty, Dad.
124
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,473
You're going
to be okay.
125
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:08,509
You just need
to take it easy
126
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:09,610
for a couple weeks,
all right?
127
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,777
No challenging
activities.
128
00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:14,848
Well, then perhaps
I should get a job
at your video store.
129
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,584
He's back.
130
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,986
I had to park, like,
18 blocks away.
131
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,154
I know it's a hospital,
132
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,124
but how many
handicapped spaces
do you really need?
133
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,026
How you feeling, Ted?
134
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:30,430
Why? You need help
moving a piano?
135
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,798
Hello, Dr. Reeves.
136
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,100
Ah, the beautiful Stacy.
137
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,637
Time for a sponge bath,
I hope.
138
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,605
Well, at least we know
139
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,374
one of his organs
is still working.
140
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:44,477
HI. I'm Fran,
Ted's ex‐wife.
141
00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:45,779
HI. Nice to meet you.
142
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:50,483
Well, I can see that
you've always had a taste
for younger women.
143
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:51,618
Oh.
144
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:54,688
Gee, you know,
they say that hospitals
are depressing,
145
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,591
but I don't see it.
146
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,593
So, how did this
happen?
147
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,527
It's all my fault.
148
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,495
I would've never asked
him to move the couch
149
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,464
if I knew
he was so frail.
150
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,066
Oh, don't blame yourself.
151
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:09,536
Dr. Reeves should know
that we all need
to be more careful
152
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,504
as we get older.
153
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:14,040
Ouch. You need to work
on your bedside manner.
154
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,611
Here, hop in.
155
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,746
I'm his daughter.
Is he going to die?
156
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:21,948
Oh, no, sweetie, I don't
think you're going to have
to worry about that.
157
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,449
Then can I please go
to a party?
158
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:25,786
Because my boyfriend's
in the lobby.
159
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,954
Allison!
160
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,756
That's all right, Fran.
You run along, pumpkin.
161
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:31,892
I promise
I'll be back tomorrow.
162
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,159
Mwah.
I love you.
163
00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,628
Oh...
164
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,997
Oh, Stacy,
this is my son Josh.
165
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,464
Save your strength, Dad.
166
00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:39,800
I dropped out
of medical school,
167
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,102
and now I work
in a dead‐end job.
168
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,104
That about cover it?
169
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,106
I'm going to go find
a soda machine.
170
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,508
Is there one
that I can get to
171
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,109
without passing
something gross
on the way?
172
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,044
Actually, they've got
drinks in the gift shop.
173
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,378
I'll take you there
in a minute.
174
00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:55,448
All right, Dr. Reeves.
You're going to want
to start thinking about
175
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:56,717
what you're going to do
when you get home.
176
00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:58,184
You're going to need
to stay off your feet
177
00:06:58,184 --> 00:06:59,886
and have somebody care
for your needs.
178
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:02,956
Hmm. Right.
I'll make you a key.
179
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,593
Ha! You just never
give up, do you?
180
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,161
Bye, everybody.
181
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,062
FRAN, TED: Bye.
182
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,932
Fran, I need to talk
to you in the hall.
183
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,499
Why?
184
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,669
What?
185
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,870
Who's going
to take care of Ted
186
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,471
when he gets out
of the hospital?
187
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:21,642
Who cares?
188
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,277
He should stay with us.
189
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,479
We are kind of
responsible for
his heart attack.
190
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:29,482
Ted can afford to hire
a professional to tend
to his needs.
191
00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:33,654
Trust me, he did it
plenty of times
when we were married.
192
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:34,454
Fran...
193
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,156
Well, I'm sorry.
It took me 19 years
194
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,257
to get him
out of the house.
195
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,192
It's just like him
to have a heart attack
196
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,628
and weasel his way
back in.
197
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,130
You and the kids
are his only family.
198
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,198
We don't know that.
199
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,034
I once got a call
from a woman in the
Philippines.
200
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,870
I don't know
what the hell she was sayin',
201
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:53,106
but she sounded pissed.
202
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,577
Ooh, pudding.
203
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,284
Hey, Riley, ready
for my driving lesson?
204
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,552
Yeah, let's go.
205
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,887
Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.
206
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,221
Take my new porsche.
207
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,556
Oh!
208
00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:11,692
I'll drive.
209
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:15,862
You know, Ted, it was
really Riley's idea
210
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,564
to have you
stay with us.
211
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,165
Well, it's understandable.
212
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:22,603
He doesn't know me
as well as you do.
213
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,870
(chuckling)
214
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:28,108
You know, I don't know
if it's the painkillers
talking or what,
215
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:34,548
but...Well, sometimes
I think I could have been
a better husband.
216
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:37,050
You think?
217
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,086
You know what
your problem
always was, Ted?
218
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,122
You always had
something to prove.
219
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:45,158
You wanted to stay 25
forever.
220
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,562
Are you seriously
sitting there telling me
221
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:52,265
I should act my age
after kissing your
28‐year‐old boyfriend
222
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:55,569
while leaking botox
from your forehead?
223
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,242
You know,
for your information,
224
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:06,613
I don't do botox. See?
225
00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:09,750
(telephone rings)
226
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,952
Yo.
227
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:14,120
Oh, yes. Uh‐huh.
228
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,322
Absolutely.
229
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:19,092
Okay, yes. Thank you.
See you. Bye.
230
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,327
Get up! Get out now!
231
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,095
All right, all right.
232
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,697
I'm sorry
about the botox comment.
233
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,031
No! No, it isn't that!
234
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,167
There's a reporter
that's coming in an hour
235
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,234
to do a story
on me and Riley,
236
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,637
and because of you and
your stupid heart attack,
237
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,238
I completely forgot!
238
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,642
Okay, okay,
I'll go back to my room.
239
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:36,843
Wait a minute!
Wait, wait!
240
00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:37,611
What?!
241
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,346
Can you help me
move the couch?!
242
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,224
We want to get this
in tomorrow's edition,
243
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,158
so if you don't mind,
244
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,894
I'd like
to get started.
245
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:54,728
Oh, excellent.
246
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,030
Okay, well, ask me
whatever you'd like.
247
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,198
My life
is an open book.
248
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,767
Let's get
some background first.
249
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,969
Your boyfriend is 28
and you are...?
250
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,005
Just so happy
that you're here.
251
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:08,008
Now, you were married
before you met
your boyfriend?
252
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,009
Yes.
253
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,343
Does that ever cause
any problems?
254
00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:11,344
Oh, no, no.
255
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,380
My ex‐husband is completely
part of my past.
256
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:17,283
Fran,
where's the aspirin?
257
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:19,252
Who's that?
258
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,022
My ex‐husband.
259
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,958
Uh, the aspirin's
in the kitchen, Ted.
260
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,393
You know, he had
a mild coronary,
261
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:31,097
and, well, what better place
for him to recover
262
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:36,136
than with his loving,
age‐blended family?
263
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,138
Pardon me.
264
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,107
Ted! What are you
doing out here?
265
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,776
I told you to stay
in your room!
266
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,445
Well, I'm sorry, but
I have to have aspirin
267
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,214
so I don't get
another heart attack.
268
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:51,317
Oh, wah, wah, wah!
269
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:54,054
"I'm Ted.
I had a heart attack.
270
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,989
I almost died."
271
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:59,092
News flash! Other people
have problems, too.
272
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,061
I'm trying to convince
that woman out there
273
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,964
that we are a happy
and loving family,
274
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,366
and you are
not helping, mister.
275
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:10,170
She's standing
right behind me, isn't she?
276
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,208
Ah ha ha ha ha!
277
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,044
You know,
his doctor told me
278
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,914
that the best therapy
is tough love.
279
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,749
I mean,
it kills me to do it.
280
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:25,218
It kills me.
281
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,955
But if it'll
save his life...
282
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,358
(whispering)
Get into your room!
283
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:35,028
Hello.
284
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,496
Oh, look
who's here‐‐
285
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:41,067
my loving
and wonderful
son Josh.
286
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,302
Oh, what a surprise.
287
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:46,873
And the nurse
from the hospital,
Stacy.
288
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,074
Hi, Fran.
289
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:48,742
Hi.
290
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,144
What are you
doin' with her?
291
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,412
We're dating.
292
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,147
I can't wait to see
the look on Dad's face.
293
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,283
If the first heart attack
didn't kill him, this one is‐‐
294
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,084
Josh!
295
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:01,354
Josh, uh, this is
Catherine Johnson.
296
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:04,090
She's a reporter
doing a story
297
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,159
on our happy,
loving home,
298
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,360
as you can tell
by the fact
299
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:12,198
that she is writing down
every word you say!
300
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:14,234
Stacy?
Hi, Dr. Reeves.
301
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,202
She's with me.
We're together.
302
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,303
(cell phone rings)
303
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,905
Excuse me one second.
304
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,007
So you two are together?
Since when?
305
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,343
Since I asked her out
and she said yes,
306
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,411
which, uh,
to refresh your memory,
307
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:30,116
is just after you asked
her out and she said no.
308
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,086
Hey, would you like
to see the garden?
309
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,755
No.
310
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:36,890
That was the hospital.
311
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,224
They're really short‐handed
in the E. R.,
312
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:40,093
so I'm sorry,
but I've got to go.
313
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,261
I'll call you later,
Josh.
314
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,164
I hope you feel better,
Dr. Reeves.
315
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,398
Bye, Fran.
316
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,067
Bye‐bye, darling.
317
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:52,138
Well, doesn't the house
have a nice flow to it?
318
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,306
People come and go.
319
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,575
Hey, I'm a little thirsty.
320
00:12:54,575 --> 00:12:56,309
Why don't you and me
go into the kitchen,
321
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,279
have an assload
of wine?
322
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,248
No, thank you, but
if you're going
that way,
323
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,183
I'll take some water.
324
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,987
Oh. Oh, well...
All right.
325
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,822
Oh, I see, Josh.
326
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,990
Trying to get
back at me
327
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,158
by dating the woman
I'm interested in, hmm?
328
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:15,228
Well, I wonder,
does she know you had
a mental breakdown,
329
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,264
which was why
you were tossed out
of med school?
330
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:21,134
She does, and she feels
there's plenty of time
331
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:24,237
to reboot my life
since I'm young,
332
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,873
the way she likes them.
333
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,142
Josh, what are you
doing with this woman?
334
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,445
Whatever she'll let me.
335
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,415
Only not here!
336
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,182
You see...
337
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:39,052
I don't like casual sex
in my home
338
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,054
because
I'm always thinking
339
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,924
about my teenage
daughter's welfare.
340
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,293
Your boyfriend
gave me a black eye.
341
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,261
What?!
342
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,295
What did you do
to my daughter?
343
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:52,065
Hey, I tried to tell her,
but she wouldn't listen.
344
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:55,569
She's lucky she still has
all her teeth.
345
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:59,139
Would you like
to see the den?
346
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,575
What, are you crazy?
347
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:04,077
Okay, here's the thing.
348
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,145
Let's go
into the kitchen
349
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,913
and put some ice
on that eye...
350
00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:08,849
All of us!
351
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,619
Meanwhile, the grapes
with the gruyère,
352
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:15,421
a symphony
in the mouth.
353
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,892
I don't believe this.
354
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,193
One reporter
comes to see me,
355
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,564
and all of a sudden,
we're the gottis?
356
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,532
I reached over
and accidentally
357
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,667
clipped her in the eye
with my elbow
358
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:29,670
when she took
both hands off the wheel
to fix her hair.
359
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:32,906
After all the years
of watching me drive,
360
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,641
you don't know
to steer with your knee
361
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,442
when you're
fixing your hair?!
362
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:40,981
I was balancing
a soda.
363
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:44,350
Okay, well, now I'm
either going to have to
convince this woman
364
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,652
that this is
not the real us,
365
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,420
or kill her,
bury her in the basement,
366
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:50,624
and say we've never
seen her before.
367
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:56,362
Well, that was her
walking out the door,
wasn't it?
368
00:14:57,698 --> 00:14:59,399
Well, I just want to say,
369
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,035
I hate you all.
370
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,307
Hi, Catherine.
371
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,242
I hope you get
this message.
372
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,343
It's Fran Reeves.
373
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,344
You know...Ha ha ha!
374
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,446
The funniest thing
happened.
375
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:17,684
My twin sister Rhonda
was over here at the house
376
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:21,622
rehearsing a play
about a crazy family.
377
00:15:21,622 --> 00:15:24,390
Oh, her machine
cut me off.
378
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:27,293
You think she bought
any of that?
379
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,730
I don't think so,
Rhonda.
380
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,698
Well, then I better
call her again.
381
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:32,699
Fran?
What?
382
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:33,600
It's over.
383
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,335
She's gonna write
what she's gonna write.
384
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,202
You know
we work as a family.
385
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:38,038
What do you care
what other people think?
386
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,307
Oh, I don't care
what other people think.
387
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:45,378
But other people care
what other people think,
388
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:49,115
and I care
about those people.
389
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,184
Well, I'm off.
390
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:54,387
I'm taking my new girlfriend
to Dad's favorite restaurant.
391
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:55,589
And you know what?
392
00:15:55,589 --> 00:15:57,157
I finally know
how you guys feel.
393
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,091
What do you mean?
394
00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,059
I mean, how great it is
395
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:01,427
that you always
get to rub him
in Dad's face.
396
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,196
You think
that's what we do?
397
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:07,367
Josh! I'm not with Riley
to spite your father.
398
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,336
We're together because
we love each other.
399
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:14,207
You know, I don't like
this side of you, mister.
400
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,242
The man had
a heart attack, Josh,
401
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:19,379
and now is when you decide
to get even with him?
402
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:23,116
You know, I know that he is
very critical of you,
403
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,385
but when are you
gonna get past that?
404
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,419
I mean, don't you realize
405
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,189
that your life is gonna be
just so much happier
406
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:34,394
when you stop worrying
what someone else thinks?
407
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,197
Now if you'll excuse me,
408
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:39,432
I have something
to take care of.
409
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:42,769
Fran!
410
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:45,438
What was that all about?
411
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,641
She still upset
about the article?
412
00:16:47,641 --> 00:16:49,309
No, she's upset
about you.
413
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,445
Josh, you know
I'm not the biggest fan
of your father,
414
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,479
but your mom's right.
415
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:54,581
You're acting
like a total ass.
416
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,517
Oh, come on.
I'm just doing to him
417
00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:57,784
what he's
always done to me.
418
00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,786
Don't I at least get
one victory?
419
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,387
To me, it's
not much of a victory
420
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:05,058
if you start
acting like the guy
that you hate.
421
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,593
Hmm?
422
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:11,164
Yeah, well,
if I'm a total ass,
what's that make you?
423
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:16,369
The guy who's sleeping
with the mother
of a total ass.
424
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,440
Oh, yeah,
I went there.
425
00:17:28,582 --> 00:17:32,252
Oh, my god!
What happened now?!
426
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,387
I wasn't even
in the car.
427
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,356
It was the guy
giving me the driving test.
428
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:37,691
Apparently some people
can't say,
429
00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:39,359
"(gasp) Watch out!"
Without goin' like this!
430
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,596
But on the upside,
he felt really bad
and passed me.
431
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,397
I have a license,
so have a really nice life.
432
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:48,401
I will swing by
for birthdays and Hanukkah.
433
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,237
Allison
behind the wheel.
434
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,606
God help us all!
435
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:55,175
Yeah,
I'll warn the neighbors
436
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,411
to keep small children
and pets indoors.
437
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:03,249
(sigh) All right,
I just told Stacy
438
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,651
we shouldn't be seeing
each other anymore.
439
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:06,286
Why? Because I was using
her to get back at Dad
440
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,187
and I didn't feel
good about it.
441
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,822
Also, she found out
and broke up with me.
442
00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:11,658
You were right,
I was wrong. Good day.
443
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:13,226
Hold it.
444
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,261
Mom, do you really
have to say,
445
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,663
(whiny)
"I told you so"?
446
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,901
No, but you have
to talk to your father.
447
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,869
Ted, come out here
a minute!
448
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,004
Mom!
449
00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:27,508
Josh, you have 21 years
of repressed anger
towards him.
450
00:18:27,508 --> 00:18:28,642
You have to let it out,
451
00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,911
so you don't keep
doing stupid stuff
like this anymore.
452
00:18:30,911 --> 00:18:32,278
Okay, all right, fine.
453
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,314
Oh, it's all right.
Stay where you are.
454
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,817
It's probably better
that I come to all of you.
455
00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:38,919
I mean, after all,
I am the one
with the heart condition.
456
00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:43,289
You know, after this,
maybe I'll clean the gutters.
457
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,925
Go, Josh.
458
00:18:44,925 --> 00:18:47,460
All right.
Yes.
459
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,895
Dad, there's...
460
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,331
There's something
I've wanted to say
for a long time.
461
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,801
Well, there's something
I've been wanting
to say to you, son.
462
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,638
I've been doing
some thinking recently,
463
00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:58,739
and your mother's right.
464
00:18:58,739 --> 00:18:59,806
I shouldn't be fighting
465
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,942
with my own son
over a woman.
466
00:19:01,942 --> 00:19:04,911
I should be acting
more my own age.
467
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:08,549
And I'm far too old
to be driving a porsche,
468
00:19:08,549 --> 00:19:12,485
so I want you
to have it.
469
00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:16,523
You are
the best daddy ever.
470
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,391
I'll be back in an hour.
471
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,427
I'm goin' "vroom."
472
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,765
Well, Ted.
473
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:27,801
Hey, Riley, say hello
to the new Ted.
474
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:30,403
What's he gonna
fill that gas tank with
475
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,539
on a video store salary,
huh?
476
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,374
Twizzlers? Ha ha!
477
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,543
Wait till he sees
the first insurance payment.
478
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:39,245
He'll be back in med school
in a week!
479
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:42,649
Oh, my god,
I'm a genius!
480
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:46,252
Riley, say good‐bye
to the new Ted.
481
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:47,954
I see the paper came.
482
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:48,955
Did you read
the article?
483
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:51,424
No. I was afraid
to open it.
484
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,527
If you're not
gonna read it, I will.
485
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,796
Oh, gimme. Gimme.
486
00:19:55,796 --> 00:19:57,764
Maybe it's not as bad
as you think.
487
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:01,234
Maybe one
of my relatives
called that reporter
488
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:02,636
and explained
a few things.
489
00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,705
Who?
Douglas Martin.
490
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:07,908
Douglas? Isn't that
your middle name?
491
00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:09,543
Maybe.
492
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:10,911
(chuckling)
493
00:20:10,911 --> 00:20:12,779
Hmm...
494
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,047
Just read it.
495
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:20,654
Okay..."Publicity hungry...
Bizarre father‐son
girl‐swapping...
496
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:25,491
Cheap cheese."
Well, that's just vicious.
497
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:26,593
Keep reading.
498
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:30,463
Okay, "Sometimes
these relationships
don't work out,
499
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:34,400
as is the case
with this 28‐year‐old man
500
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,571
and his 38‐year‐old
girlfriend."
501
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,940
Oh, 38!
502
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:42,643
Oh, Riley!
503
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,248
Captioned by The National
Captioning Institute
36002
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
