Original subtitles

Donna, please.

Don't worry about your daughter staying with us.

Riley loves his little sister,

and you trust his judgment to take care of her, don't you?

Well, you trusted his judgment before he met me, didn't you?

OK, Donna. All right. Bye. Bye.

Oh! Can you believe Riley's mother?

That's her fifth call.

Who cares that much about their kids? It's insane.

And you wonder why I cried when you picked me up from day care.

Listen, Riley says we gotta be careful around Jenny.

She's very innocent.

So no foul language or sarcasm

or suggestive sexual remarks.

So you're not gonna talk for 5 days?

You see, that's the kind of crap I'm talkin' about,

smart ass.

How innocent can she be?

She's about to be married in a couple of months.

Oh, a lot of girls say no before marriage.

That's why I was so popular.

Hey, hey! We're here!

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Jenny.

Hi, Fran.

Oh, my god! You're so beautiful!

Oh, thank you.

You're nothing like my mother described you.

She said‐‐ Oh! You know what? (chuckles)

this is gonna be a long visit

if I let you finish that sentence.

And this is Allison and Josh.

Hi, Josh.

Hi, Allison. Hi.

We both have big brothers, huh?

Well, I have an older brother.

Allison's just bitter because‐‐well, you're engaged,

and the last person to unbutton her blouse was the dry cleaner.

Josh, we're in mixed company.

Oh, cut it out, Riley.

They sound just like us when you were still at home, remember?

Yeah, we'd get into it.

(chuckles) Sometimes you'd even cuss at me.

Oh, stop it, you big dope.

See what I had to put up with?

(both laugh)

OK, I'm gonna show her to her room now.

She's nice, Mom,

but where are we gonna put the Seven Dwarves?

Oh, stop it.

She's very sweet and innocent and natural.

I'm looking forward to taking her shopping.

It'll be like a real girls' day out.

She'll be like the daughter you never had.

Oh, Josh, don't underestimate yourself.

Now, come on.

Did you see the way a normal brother and sister act towards each other?

Why can't you be more like them?

Gee‐willikers, Allison. I'm sorry.

Oh, it's OK, you big gooberhead. Ohhh...

(both fake laughing)

OK, OK! Cut the crap!

Smart asses.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Hey! Anyone home?

Sweetie, stay right there. It's fashion showtime.

(chuckles)

Wow! Is it hot in here, or is it just you? (chuckles)

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Oh, boy. (chuckles)

What the hell?

Fran bought it for me.

I know it's a little wild, but don't you love it?

'Scuse us.

What?

What are you doin', buyin' a dress

like that for her?

It makes her look... Anhh.

Watch it. I'm wearin' almost the same dress.

Well, you're not my sister.

I mean, she's sweet and innocent, and you...

You're the best girlfriend ever.

And you're looking younger every day.

And?

And all my friends are jealous.

That's my favorite one.

Riley, wait till you see the jeans Fran bought me.

They're a little tight, but like Fran says,

"what good's having a nice backyard

if your neighbors can't see it?"

Uh, you know, he don't need to see the jeans right now.

You know what else?

Maybe you two shouldn't shop together anymore.

Oh, loosen up, you big doodyhead.

Doodyhead?

Tickle war!

Aaah! Aahhh!

Oh, you give?

You give? Yeah, yeah, I give, I give.

Yeah. That's what you get, missy.

(Riley chuckles smugly)

Oh, Fran,

you and Riley are so lucky

to have found each other.

Ohhh... He seems so much

happier than the last time I saw him.

Ohhh... And now I know why.

(chuckles) You're fun

and beautiful and...

Oh! You want to see some pictures of my fiancé?

Oh, well, I was...

Kinda enjoyin' this conversation, but...

OK. If we're done, OK.

This is just after he asked me to marry him.

Ohhh...You got engaged on a hayride.

Halloween.

I think that was fourth grade.

So you've known this guy since you were in the fourth grade?

I've known him since kindergarten.

But we didn't start going together until third grade.

Oh. Yeah, I guess it's best to experience

at least one nap time before you get serious.

You know, I married my first boyfriend, too.

What happened?

Mmm...It didn't work out.

I wasn't ready.

And now I'm experiencing all the things

that I didn't experience while I was married.

Like last summer, Riley and I went

backpacking through Europe.

I've always wanted to go to Europe.

You've never been outside of Illinois, huh?

Well, I'm here, aren't I? In the Big Apple.

Yes, and you know,

it is a very, very exciting city.

So maybe, you know,

before you go back to Jeremy

and start your life together,

I don't know, you may just wanna...

Enjoy yourself, experience the outside world...

Have a little fun.

Say, would you like a drink?

WelL...(chuckles)

I don't usually, but...

I'll have a pop.

That's more like it.

A pop of what, vodka or scotch?

A meant a soda pop.

Oh.

Sure.

Comin' right up.

Oh. Hi, Josh.

Listen, Riley and I are working tomorrow, so

could you take Jenny into the city, show her the sights?

Can't. Workin' at the video store.

Well, call in sick.

Mother, I am the assistant manager

of a major national video franchise.

If I don't show up to work...

Oh, who am I kidding? If they can teach a chimp

to find Dude, Where's My Car?, I'm out of a job.

Good. I'll give you my credit card. Show her a good time.

This girl's really gotta live a little.

She's so innocent.

I swear she spent her life

running through meadows and playing in fields.

It's like a freakin' allergy commercial.

(Riley exhales forcibly)

Hey, babe. How was the run?

Oh, great.

Babe, you gotta come with me sometime.

Oh, no. My people don't run.

Why do you think we were in the desert for 40 years?

If we ran, we would've been out in 3.

(laughs)

Jenny?

I was hopin' to catch breakfast with her

before I went to work.

Oh, that's nice.

(crows like a rooster)

Hey. If you're crowing for your sister,

she's not here. Neither is Josh.

What?

Wait a minute. What are you sayin'?

They never came home last night?

That's what I'm sayin'.

Oh, my god. What do you think happened?

I don't know!

I think those 2 big dopes

must've had the most gee‐willikers sex‐tastic night ever!

OK, let's not panic.

We've just gotta figure this out

before your mother calls‐‐ (ring)

how does she know?!

(ring) Don't answer.

Let the machine pick it up.

But it's my mother.

Your mother is the reason

they invented the answering machine.

(door closes)

Oh. They're home.

There you are!

"The Big Apples." What the hell is that?

It's what they call New York City.

And there's two of them because‐‐

I know why there's two of 'em!

Riley, yelling at your sister

is not going to accomplish anything.

Josh, what the hell is wrong with you?!!

Could you...Please...

Put your... questions in writing?

We had a little accident.

Oh, my God! Are you OK?!

I am.

I can't speak for my wife.

Henh?! Henh?!

Yea. That was the accident.

We...We accidentally got married.

This is even better than sex‐tastic!

Well, I can't believe you got married.

I told you to show her a good time.

That has nothing to do with marriage.

Did you touch my sister?

Riley. We didn't do anything.

We think. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

More than think.

We're pretty sure.

All right, well, you better start talkin', mister.

Well, we went to a bar.

Jenny doesn't drink.

You're jumping ahead.

And, uh, we met this nice couple,

and they offered to buy us drinks.

And Jenny ordered what they were having.

They called it a lemon drop.

Oh, that is delicious.

How is that helping?

Anyway, one thing led to another,

and Kiki and Greg decided to get married,

and they needed a best man and maid of honor,

and...an hour later, we were in a limo on the way to connecticut.

Did the limo have a bar?

Jumping ahead again.

Anyway, next thing we knew,

we were waking up in the limo.

Well, how do you know you're even married?

We had this.

Oh! My god!

You spent $1,400 on a limo on my credit card?!

I had to! I was the best man!

But I was referring

to the marriage certificate.

Let me see this.

It looks authentic.

OK. I am sleeping with my son's brother‐in‐law.

Gee,

if we get Allison knocked up

and chain a pit bull in the backyard,

we could be on Cops!

Jenny, how could you do this?

What happened to you?

I'm still the same person, Riley.

I'm just

married to Josh and

engaged to marry someone else.

I need a drink.

One lemon drop coming up.

She doesn't need a drink!

OK, I think I know my wife and what she wants

a little bit better than you.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Riley, I think all this

happened because I've never really done

anything with my life.

And now I'm rushing off to marry the only boy I've ever dated.

She's talkin'. What are you lookin' at me?

And I just didn't didn't want to wake up

later in life and realize that I've never gone, like...

Backpacking through Europe.

OK! Try and get out of that one!

OK. All right. Um,

kids, uh, give us a minute.

Your brother/brother‐in‐law

wants to talk.

Well? What are you gonna do about this?

Me?!

Yeah. You're the one who changed her.

What makes you think it's my fault?

Fran? What?

Do you have any Alka‐Seltzer?

I've got shpilkas.

Oh, no.

Um...Ahem.

It's upstairs in the medicine chest, sweetie.

Now, wait a minute here.

You are the brother that she idolizes.

You're the one that moved to New York City.

You're the one that chose to live

with a glamorous, exotic, beautiful woman.

Maybe it's your path that she's following.

Did you ever think of that?

You think?

No. It's probably me.

But listen. We can resolve all this.

We'll go, we'll get a quickie annulment.

Your mother and the fiancé need never find out.

And afterwards we'll all have a big laugh over it.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Too soon?

All rise!

Remember, Herb, we don't have to

do that in chambers. Oh.

OK. So this is about an annulment.

Transcribe, Herb. Oh.

And I'm going hot‐ air‐ballooning at 2:00. All right.

Somebody, speak.

Your honor, it's a little bit

of a complicated story.

Too long. Somebody else, talk.

You're the groom?

Uh, right

here, your excellency.

I'm the groom, and this is my wife.

I'm his sister.

I'm his mother. And we're lovers.

Get all that down?

Yeah. Hot‐air ballooning at 2:00.

Good work, Herb.

OK, let's get to the nut cutting.

Was the marriage physically consummated?

No, your honor.

All right.

Husband is gay.

Done? No!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The man said "dond."

Your honor, the truth is,

alcohol was involved.

I got drunk, and everything seemed so new and exciting.

I guess I just got carried away.

And you know what? I'm sorry.

I should've taken better care of you,

but you were just having so much fun cutting loose

that it was contagious.

So...we'll go with impotent.

No!

The man is offering you a road here!

People, I have to put down

a legally valid reason.

Well, do you have anything else besides, you know,

gay or...limp?

Are they...related?

No. No.

Married to other people respectably?

No.

Would there be a criminal record

that she would not know about?

Oh, that sounds good, Josh.

No, that does not sound good!

I don't want anybody writing down

that I have a criminal record.

Josh has a criminal record.

Now you catch up.

Might I interject?

No! No! No!

Belay yourselves.

Let the young woman speak.

Step forward.

But, uh, quickly, please.

My tether crew is waiting. Really. Really.

Um, your honor, I read about this online,

and it said that one of the grounds for voiding a marriage

is mental incapacity?

Very good, young lady.

That is quite correct.

Amended civil statute 7‐4‐7‐4‐B,

Section 1‐27‐C,

subparagraph little iii.

So...

If my brother were psycho, would that do it?

It surely would.

Then what is the holdup?

Being with this young lady

doesn't seem insane to me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

When he was in medical school,

he went after a male nurse with a bone saw.

They had to put him in a mental hospital.

Now, they don't do that with normal people.

All right, so we'll go with the nutbag clause. Are we rockin' here or what?

Yeah. No! No!

I am getting a bad rap here!

Hey, it's gay, crazy, or boneless. Your call.

OK, crazy.

So, congratulations. You're free. So am I.

Fill this out. Take it to the county registrar. Herb, we have

just enough time to change and get the heck outta here.

Call the field.

FolkS...

Unless...you want to see

the old gavel and scales of justice.

FRAN: Oh. No.

No, no. We don't want to see that. No. Thank you.

Ohhh, you know, Josh, I gotta say,

I'm a little bit torn.

I mean, I'm glad you got the annulment and all,

but on the other hand,

I always wanted to see you get married,

move out, get on with your life.

Move out.

Oh.

Wait a minute, honey.

Now, listen, Josh. Today, your sister

convinced a municipal judge

that you are totally psycho.

Yet, I haven't heard a "thank you."

Thank yo...

Allison. Why, you know,

this is probably as closest as you'll ever get

to being the type of woman who could break up a marriage.

Yeah? If it weren't for me,

you'd still have "gay" or "impotent"

written on your permanent record

instead of just under your yearbook photo.

Ha ha! Ohhh...

"Gay."

You see, Jenny,

this is our idea of a tickle war.

WelL...

All's well that ends well. Right?

No reason for anybody to be mad at...

Anybody else.

Right?

(chuckles)

Josh...

You did a good thing.

Yeah, Josh. Thanks.

Hey, no problem.

Now you can, uh, go back

and marry Jeremy.

And if he's as big a man as you said he is...

He never needs to know about me.

Actually, I've been thinking.

And I'm breaking off my engagement to Jeremy.

What? I didn't say anything.

You were with me all day.

You two were in the bathroom together

for 15 minutes.

You could've said somethin' to her then.

I did not! And besides, I don't think

she heard me over the noise of the hand dryer.

Riley, this was my decision.

Why am I in such a hurry to get married?

I want what you guys have.

And before that can happen,

I have to find out who I am.

All right, so she heard me.

OK. I need to go upstairs and figure out

how I'm gonna break this to mom.

WelL...There is an upside to this.

Really?

It'll get my mom off my back

because she'll think Jenny's makin'

a bigger mistake than I made with you.

Well, I think that it was good

that she did it now and didn't wait 19 years

to break up with him.

Although if she did have a little bit of patience,

she might've ended up with a house.

(chuckles)

Babe, I'm sorry I was worried

about you being a bad influence on her.

You've been a bad influence on me,

and look how good I turned out.

And I'm not even through with ya. Yeah. (chuckles)

but don't tell your mother.

(telephone rings)

Oh, come on!

How does she know?!

Let the machine get this one.

Heh heh heh heh heh!

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute