Original subtitles

Don't worry, babe.

There'll be other decorating jobs.

Oh, it's just that the guy loved my ideas,

but then he started using words like

"amortization" and "depreciation."

I mean, up until today,

I thought that a "budget spreadsheet"

was a marked down futon cover.

It's just a budget, Fran. You've worked with budgets before.

Not really.

All the girlfriends whose houses I decorated, they said,

"It's my ex‐husband's money. Bleed him dry."

That I know how to do.

It's one of my superpowers.

But I really know nothing about running a business.

Well, maybe you should take

a business class or something.

I don't know. I never went to college.

I mean, my first semester conflicted with my third trimester.

And that was that.

Well, you're not pregnant now.

Right?

No.

Well, then there's nothing stopping you.

Look at Josh. He signed up for a business class

at the community college.

He might even go for his M. B. A.

So you're saying I should take the same class as Josh?

Is that what I'm saying?

Oh, you're so sexy when you're smart.

Morning.

You know, I'm a little nervous

about our first day of school.

I've never been to college,

but I bet it's a lot like high school.

Really? In high school, you gave birth to the kid in the seat next to you?

That's so sweet.

You want me to sit next to you?

Here you go, pal.

Your favorite breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes.

I swear, I told her to take a class, not your class.

Josh, I don't know what you're worried about.

I'm not gonna do anything to embarrass you.

How could I when you're so adorable?

How many of these would I have to eat to stop my heart?

I'm kidding.

Nobody is going to make fun of you

because you're in a class with your mother.

Smile for your first day of "Mommy and Me."

Leave your brother alone

or I'm going to chaperon your prom.

I gotta run.

I have a yearbook committee meeting.

Oh.

She doesn't have time for us

now that she's a big shot.

I'm just the first sophomore ever

to be named photo editor of the yearbook.

No biggie,

but in your face, Tiffany Finkleman.

(laughs)

Hey, did anyone notice that second label

coming out from under her sweatshirt?

Oh, yeah, there it goes.

Off comes the sweatshirt. (gasps)

Would you look at that slutty top?

Hey, who said she could borrow that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's getting in that car with a boy.

Well, it's a big day for the Reeves family.

Allison has a new boyfriend,

and I'm going to college.

With me. If I show up to class without pants,

it'll be my recurring nightmare come true.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicaTed ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

And, after my divorce,

I started dating my current boyfriend

who is much more supportive,

not to mention younger and better looking.

That's not the reason why I love him,

though I'd be lying

if I said the sex wasn't fantastic.

Thank you for sharing, Ms. Reeves.

Next time, a simple "here" or "present" will suffice.

Oh. Here.

Ha ha ha. Josh Reeves.

It's pronounced Ree‐ev‐vez.

There's no relation.

Okay, today let's start

with some terms that you'll need to know.

Psychographic analysis,

A.K.A. lifestyle analysis,

relies on a number of statements

about a person's activities, interests, or opinions

to determine their...

Can determine essential motivators for individual purchasing behavior.

Laddering is a technique in which representatives

of the population of interest

are asked to identify the attributes which best...

Oh, Joshie, I know you're busy,

and I don't want to disturb you,

but can I ask you one question?

Okay.

What does everything in this book mean?

Okay, Mom, I don't have time for this right now.

Oh, you're right, what was I thinking

going back to college after spending my youth

trying to make sure that my kids have a good education?

Eh, I don't need a career.

When I'm old and destitute,

I'll live with you.

Okay, have a seat.

Okay, listen to this.

"The Law of Diminishing Returns."

The tendency for an application

to decline in effectiveness

after a certain level of result has been achieved.

And?

And I don't know what the hell I just said.

Okay, let's just say you invenTed a new designer purse,

and it retails for a hundred dollars.

Well, that's gotta be a knock‐off, right?

Okay, a thousand dollars.

Well, who's gonna buy it for a thousand dollars

when you could get the knock‐off for a hunny?

Mom. What?

Focus.

Okay, look, um, let's say you

created 10 of these designer purses,

and, uh, then you could charge a lot for them, right?

Right.

But if you created a million of them,

you'd have to price it much lower.

Of course, because the more there are,

the less they're worth.

Like the Baldwin brothers.

Exactly. Just think of it as "The Law of Diminishing Baldwins."

Guys, guys,

Allison's out front in that car with that boy.

I'm gonna take the trash out, get a look‐see.

Oh, don't bother.

Let's just invite them in.

Yeah, like she's gonna bring him in here to meet us.

It's all in how you do the inviting.

Hi, Allison.

Listen, I just wanTed to let you know

we are all at the mall, so if you're hungry,

I've got some leftover egg rolls in the refrigerator.

Bye, babe. Love you.

5, 4, 3, 2‐‐

Hi, Allison.

God, I should've known.

When was the last time you ever left anyone an egg roll?

Well, who do we have here?

Mom, this is Todd.

Todd, my mother.

It's a pleasure.

Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Allison's told me a lot about you.

Oh, you know she lies.

Well, it's clear where she gets her good looks.

But your honesty is very refreshing.

And you must be Josh.

Ah, you know she lies.

Ha ha ha.

I hope so.

You know, I'm just kidding, man.

I really think it was courageous of you

to drop out of med school and turn your life around.

Well, thank you, Todd.

I think it's very courageous of you to date my sister.

And you must be the guy I gotta watch out for

if I get Allison home late for her curfew, huh?

Yeah.

Allison, you told me there was an age difference here.

Which one of you's older again?

Oh. (laughing)

So, how did you two meet?

I took Todd's picture for the yearbook.

He's the star of the school play.

Oh, Allison, I'm not the star.

I mean, Juliet's almost as important as I am,

even if her name doesn't come first.

So, Todd, a hypothetical question.

You're in the backseat of a car with a young virgin named Allison‐‐

Okay, we are...So done.

I'm walking Todd out,

blindfolding him, spinning him around,

so he can never find his way back here. Bye.

It's really nice to meet you all.

Nice meeting you, Todd.

Well, I like him.

I should find somebody nice to fix him up with.

(sighs) Nice boy.

Yeah.

Good looking. Polite.

Seems smart.

I hate him. Me, too.

But keep it to yourself.

If she finds out that we disapprove,

it'll just drive them closer together.

But he's just so slick.

I mean, did you hear what he said about you and me

looking like we were the same‐‐

he's just so slick.

Mom.

Huh?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Why do you ask?

You're not blinking.

I'm on the Red Bull.

Some of the kids in the student union

told me that that's what they drink

when they want to stay awake when they're studying.

How many did you have?

I don't know. They're very small.

Ooh, look at that.

That's not normal, is it?

Oh, god.

Oh, no. It's all good. It's all good.

I'm not falling asleep today.

(snapping) I'm awake. I'm aware. I am ready for anything.

Okay...

Today we're having a pop quiz.

Huh?

You will define 25 marketing terms.

(class groans)

(whispering) Josh, Josh, I can't do this.

I'm not good at pop quizzes.

Just relax.

TEACHER: Okay, you may begin.

Ooh.

Psst.

Psssssst.

Josh, I'm going, "Psst."

Leave me alone.

Just tell me what's "market segmentation."

Is it the cheap purses or the diminishing Baldwins?

I can't think which is which.

Shh.

Look, I gave you life.

Now give me those freakin' answers.

Mom.

Excuse me. Aah!

That kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

Leave the classroom.

I tried to warn you.

Both of you.

Huh?

Oh, but he wasn't cheating.

You were talking during a test.

That's considered cheating.

Now get your things together and go.

Well...

I'm wearing my pants,

so I guess this is real.

Thank you, mom.

Oh, oh...

(whimpering)

Is this gonna affect our grades?

Out! Oh...

Hi. Oh, riley,

you are not gonna believe

what happened in class today.

They threw me out for cheating.

What happened?

I was cheating.

And the worst part of it is

they threw Josh out, too.

Josh was helping you cheat?

No.

If he would've helped me,

I wouldn't have gotten caught.

Ah, I'm so worried about him.

I called him 18 times, and he hasn't picked up once.

Well, maybe he's just out of calling range.

No, he's not out of range.

He text messaged me.

What'd it say?

"Stop calling me."

Oh, Allison, have you seen your brother?

TODD: No, he's not home.

Thank you, Allison

Hey, Ri. What you workin' on?

Just putting some new hardware in the cabinets.

Oh, my dad always says there just aren't enough people

who work with their hands these days.

I mean, it only takes one guy to design the pyramids,

but thousands of guys like you

to drag the stones to the top.

(drill buzzes)

Oh, Joshie, you're home. I have to talk to you.

If I have anything to say to you, I'll write it down,

and you can read it off my paper.

Oh, Joshie, I'm so sorry.

I was totally wrong, but you have to forgive me.

I mean, even Roy forgave that tiger.

You know, mom, this class was actually important to me.

I actually felt like I was back on track,

and thanks to you, I can now look back

at my nervous breakdown at medical school as "the good ol' days."

Oh.

Fran, did you know that Todd was running for junior class president?

You're gonna love his slogan.

"In Todd We Trust."

Can I kill him... Just a little?

Honey, I can't think about Todd.

I'm worried about Josh.

I have to make this right with him.

Yeah, he's taking it pretty hard, huh?

Oh, yeah. I shouldn't have done what I did,

but listen, I don't want you to start blaming yourself.

Me?

Well, yeah. You're the one that blabbed

all about Josh taking a class,

and you know how I am.

But it's not my fault.

Well, that's the spirit, dear.

Mr. Bryant, I need to talk to you about what happened in class.

No, you don't.

Okay, look, I know I was wrong, and I'm terribly sorry,

but sometimes when I'm asked questions under pressure,

I panic and I give the wrong answer.

Like the time I said, "I do."

Ms. Reeves, I cannot reinstate you.

What about my son? He deserves a second chance.

Why?

Well, let's do a psychographic analysis of the kid, shall we?

I mean, he's got an ivy league degree.

He's young, he's bright, he's got his mother's good looks.

There aren't a lot of kids like him around.

And, according to the law of supply and demand,

the fewer of them there are, the more valuable they become.

And may I say...

That tie is very slimming on you.

Well, uh, Ms. Reeves, you obviously know your terms.

Well, when I'm selling my son, it's easy.

So can he get back in the class?

Yeah, sure. Fine. He's back in.

How 'bout me? No.

You cheated.

Give me the test again,

then if I pass, you can let me back in.

I don't know if I can do that.

If I don't get 100% of the questions right,

you'll never see me again. Have a seat.

Oh, Josh, guess what.

I talked to Mr. Bryant, and he's gonna let you back into the class!

Is there a... Funny twist?

If you mean am I coming in the class, too, no.

But I did take a make‐up test,

and I passed, thanks to the way you taught me.

Then shouldn't you be back in the class?

And that was a question, not a suggestion.

No. That class really isn't for me.

I only took it because you were in it.

I really need to have a class about being in a small business.

I can't be wasting my time learning about the Baldwin brothers.

You know, it's really ironic, Josh.

I never went to college because I had you.

And I never really knew if I could cut it.

And now, because I have you,

I found out that I could.

Are you... Trying to make me happy or guilty?

I'm a mother. I want both.

I give blood once a year because I'm type O‐negative,

the universal donor.

Yeah. My blood could save the life of anyone in this room.

Even yours?

Hey, everybody.

Guess who's back in school.

Joshie!

And only Joshie.

Hey, Fran, that is great.

Whoa! ♪ Company ♪

I hate him so much.

Hey, nice pictures, Allison.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh, look at this!

Todd!

Todd.

Todd.

A horse. Underneath Todd.

Wow! Todd's gonna be in the yearbook a lot, huh?

No. Those are for the program for the school play.

I'm kinda not doing yearbook anymore.

What? Why?

Well, if she wants to take pictures,

she can take 'em whenever.

This way, we can spend more time together.

But honey, I thought‐‐

We talked about it, and we decided‐‐

Todd, Allison can speak.

I know because I pay her cell phone bill.

Mom, it's really no big deal.

Okay. Sweetie, can we go in the living room a minute?

I just wanna show you something.

Hey, Ri, which one would you hang?

The one in the middle

what do you want to show me?

The error of your ways!

What the hell is going on here?

Todd thought you might go postal‐‐

Listen, I don't care what Todd thinks.

But I don't like when he starts thinking for you.

Your father was exactly like this with me,

and I don't want my little girl‐‐

Mom, I really like Todd.

He's a junior, he's popular,

and he is Romeo.

Every girl wants to be with him, but he chose me.

He's my boyfriend, so you're just gonna have to deal.

Okay, fine. Don't learn from my mistakes.

But don't you come cryin' to me

when all of your girlfriends want to go to the Ramones

and you can't 'cause you gotta breast feed Josh!

Even for you...

That was weird.

Hey.

Hey.

So how did that go?

Terrible. I did exactly what I said I wasn't gonna do,

and now I've brought them even closer together.

Oh, don't worry.

I got this Todd figured out.

He's just like Ted.

I got rid of Ted. I'll get rid of Todd.

The tricky part'll be getting his house.

Whoa! ♪ Company! ♪

Maybe even some day we'll get rid of him.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute