Original subtitles

Yeah, like you're not sexy enough in your tight pants.

You have to come in all sweaty

with your jackhammer forearms

and your tool belt.

If you're doing this to drive me crazy, it's working.

Josh, Riley's taken.

He's mad at me because I returned some DVDs

during his shift at the video store.

I was this close to getting a date,

and then he walked in.

And I might as well have been

a cardboard cut‐out of an oompa loompa.

Honey, you know,

you are every bit as good‐looking

as Riley is,

only in a smaller package.

When describing me,

could you not use the words "small" and "package"?

You know, I can always get

my Jujubes and Jackie Chans elsewhere.

Oh, Allison.

There's a sale at Bloomie's tomorrow.

I thought we could go shopping,

pick out something cute for your sweet 16 party.

I don't want a party.

Of course you do.

A sweet 16 is a defining moment

in becoming a woman.

So was getting my period.

Do you want to send out another press release?

That was a holiday newsletter.

And you should thank me.

Aunt Riva sent you a $10 savings bond.

That's $5.00 more

than she sent Josh when he got his man hair.

You have to have a party.

Mom, I hate being the center of attention.

If you throw me a party,

you'll just make a big production out of it

and embarrass me like you always do.

Like when?

Like my bat mitzvah.

Every other kid gets to be lifTed on a chair.

I had to be lowered down on a swing

like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge.

Well, I wouldn't do that again.

I don't like to repeat.

Look...

A sweet 16 is a very special thing.

It's something that you're always going to remember.

Yeah, so is a drunk clown

that vomits on your best friend at your fifth birthday.

He had references.

Why can't you just trust me

and know I know best?

Because I'm not like you. So, please, ma,

I don't want to hear any more about a sweet 16.

Fine, fine.

Surprise party it is.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicaTed ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

What are you doing, hon?

I'm trying to figure out what to do

for Allison's sweet 16 party.

Oh, what does she want to do?

You ready for this?

Nothing.

She's not gonna get her wish, is she?

Not as long as there's a breath in my body.

You know, my parents took me and my girlfriends,

for my sweet 16, to Beefsteak Charlie's

'cause they had a coupon.

I always regreted that I didn't have

a great party like Donna Lombardi.

You know, dancing to hustle music

under a big mirror ball,

her boyfriend dressed like John Travolta.

You know, from Saturday Night Fever?

Seventies party. Cool.

Yeah, you know,

we did a lot of those back in the seventies.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

It's probably...Ted.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Ted.

Allison, your father's here.

(laughing)

That's funny, Fran.

If I had a dollar for every time you did that‐‐

I'd get half.

(both laugh)

Hello, Riley.

Hey.

Finished your paper route, did you?

Geez, Ted.

I live in your ex‐house,

I sleep with your ex‐wife,

and this is how you treat me?

You know, I think I'll start

picking Allison up at the curb.

Allison!

I'll go get her.

Oh, wow! Look at this!

The lead singer from Santana is

gonna be playing at the Club Reload.

Who?

Andy Vargas. Would you get with it?

I took Allison to see them in concert a few months ago,

and she fell in love with him.

Oh, no.

Shoot. It says that it's a sold‐out concert.

Ah. That would have been the perfect thing

for her surprise sweet 16.

16 already, huh?

Yeah.

I remember when you were in labor with her...

Screaming that you hated me

and I'd ruined your life.

Or was that our anniversary?

You know, Ted, as I recall,

that was our marriage.

Hey, if I were you, I'd be nicer to me.

My girlfriend Laurie Dean works for a record company.

She might be able to score you those Andy vargas tickets.

Really? You think she could get the tickets?

Absolutely.

Well, who would have thought?

For the first time,

your having sex is giving me pleasure.

Oh, Gregory.

I just love shopping with you.

You're such a good friend.

Ooh, wow, would you look at this?

Oh, my God.

The last Donna Karan, in my size, on sale.

(sighs)

if Cuba Gooding was standing naked

in front of me right now, I could die.

Oh, look! A Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guy!

That's Kyan!

Ooh. I have to go ask him if he does girls.

Oh!

No, you don't.

But, I mean, for Allison.

Wouldn't it be great if he gave them all makeovers

to look glamorous for the concert?

Hmm.

Oh. Introduce me?

Fran, contrary to popular belief,

not all gay men know each other.

Gregory?

Hi, Kyan.

It's been a while.

Yes. Nice to see you.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is my neighbor Fran Reeves.

HI. Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I love your show.

Yours is the best gay show since Frasier.

Thank you.

You're still bitter.

He thinks I stole his job.

Gregory, they needed a stylist.

Your area was estate planning.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Well, you know what you can do?

You could do makeup makeovers

for my daughter Allison and all her friends

for her sweet 16 party.

How will that make it up to me?

Ask him, or this sweater gets it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, Gregory.

I'll do it. Just don't hurt the innocent sweater.

Kyan, I want you to meet my son and boyfriend.

Aw, cute couple.

How long have you guys been together?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is my son,

and this is my boyfriend.

Yes, Kyan is my big surprise

for Allison's birthday.

I'm gonna go tell the girls.

So, do you guys wanna be part of the makeover?

I could turn you into a real chick magnet.

Thanks, but...

Okay.

Okay, go upstairs.

And you‐‐let's see.

You...

No, you're done.

So, really, there's nothing you'd change about me?

Ooh, maybe one thing, but they say

you're just born that way.

You want a drink? Yeah, how about a cosmo?

Cosmo.

Oh, my God. Are you Kyan?

Yeah.

You are! We love your show!

Thank you.

Surprise.

Happy birthday!

Hey.

Hi.

Mother, I tell you not to make a big deal

out of my birthday, and so, you decide

to broadcast it on national television?

Oh, right. Like I'm gonna let

a camera crew in here when

I haven't gotten a mani‐pedi this week?

But, you know,

I could send Kyan home

if you girls don't want private makeovers.

Allison, this is so cool.

And then, of course,

when you're all dolled up,

well...

You need to go somewhere,

like the Andy vargas concert.

Oh, my‐‐ Oh, my god!

So, you completely ignored me

and did exactly what I asked you not to do?

Yeah. Can you forgive me?

Yes, I'll try.

God,

you girls look so much older.

I know. I could totally get into a bar right now.

Oh, my god.

Hottie at 12:00.

Wow, josh. You look amazing, man.

Why aren't you smiling?

I'm afraid my bronzer will crack like pavement.

(saxophone playing)

KYAN: Fan's getting heavy, Fran.

Oh, all right. Put it down.

I've got a portable one in my purse, anyway.

Well, look who got caught

in the gorgeous machine.

Ah ah ah ah!

Wet paint.

Thanks, Kyan.

Aw, you're welcome. Air kiss.

BOTH: Mwah! Mwah!

Girls, have a good night, ok?

Good night. Thank you so much.

Bye!

Bye! We love you! Have fun.

Hey, Kyan, this is great, but how can I do this every day?

You can't. Just enjoy your night, Cinderella.

Okay, ladies. Go upstairs, get your purses.

We don't wanna keep Andy waiting.

Oh, honey,

are you sure you can't come tonight?

Babe, it's not up to me.

These inspectors are so busy that

you gotta go when they're available.

I know, but I never had a sweet 16.

And I was hoping that we could enjoy Allison's together.

Oh, believe me. I'd rather be spending the night with you

than crawling under my building

with a 300‐pound rat inspector

who keeps saying, "Follow the poop."

That's sweet.

Make sure you bathe before you come to bed.

Mwah, mwah.

See you.

Love you.

Joshie, what are you doing?

I'm taking my picture and sending it

to every woman who's ever turned me down.

You still have their numbers?

Oh, yeah. I knew this day would come.

Let me get my car keys.

(knocking) Oh!

Ted!

What are you doing here?

Where's Allison?

She's upstairs. We're getting ready to leave.

Uh, you might want to rethink that.

Uh‐oh.

Turns out Laurie couldn't get the tickets.

The tickets aren't at the box office?

You told me that she worked for Andy's record label.

She dumped you, didn't she?

Yes and no.

Mainly yes.

Well, let me guess‐‐

you hit on her secretary, and she caught you.

Wrong.

Nowadays, they call them assistants.

Look, just give her this card from me, would you?

Oh, Ted, Allison is going to be crushed.

I know that,

and I've figured out what to do.

What? You tell her.

Cheers.

Ted!

Ted!

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but come back!

I'm Fran Cougar Mellencamp.

Vice‐president of

Artist International Management Management limited.

You're not on the list.

Well, that's impossible.

Do you know who this young man is?

This is up‐and‐coming Latin star Josh Inglesiendez.

Hola.

And he is a personal guest of Andy vargas.

I don't see him on the list, either.

Hey, Mom, what's going on?

Nothing, honey. Everything's okay.

Now, listen. There's gotta be a mistake here.

Perhaps Mr. Inglesiendez is under an alias name.

Let me just check that list. Uh‐huh.

Oh, yeah, there he is. Stu Klebanov.

ok, come on, everybody. Come in.

I'm sorry, ma'am. You're going to have to leave.

Mom, why don't you just give him the tickets? You're making a scene.

No, I'm not. Oh!

Andy, Andy, I have to talk to you.

Would you mind giving a 16‐year‐old girl

who loves you a night to remember?

Uh, lady, I think you got the wrong guy.

Oh, my god. Kill me now.

Oh, no, no.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

But we'll pray for you in our prayer circle.

No! Andy!

She's got 2 girlfriends with her!

Andy! Wait!

That's it. Let's go.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's ok, Allison.

I've got everything under control.

Oh! No! No! Wait a minute!

Laurie Dean is a friend of mine.

She works for Andy's record label.

Aah!

You know Laurie? Yeah, uh‐huh!

What's she look like?

Uh, ooh, blonde, good boobs, tight butt.

Lousy taste in men.

That's Laurie. Let me get her.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

How do you know what Laurie look like?

Oh, I don't. I just described every receptionist

your father ever... Hired.

What's going on? Why aren't we inside?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

Mom, this is so embarrassing.

Why can't we go right now?

No, sweetie, no.

Mommy's in the middle of a very complicated lie.

HI. I'm Laurie.

HI. Hi, Laurie. Mwah! Oh!

Do I know you?

Do I know you!

Actually, you don't.

But we share a pain in the ass in common.

I'm Ted Reeves' ex‐wife.

Ohh.

Listen, Laurie‐‐

you know those tickets that you promised Ted?

They were really for my 16‐year‐old daughter's birthday.

She's standing right over there with her friends.

She's only 16?

Uh‐huh. I got a queer guy to make her over.

Hey, you did a great job!

She better let us in now.

Listen, Laurie‐‐ you know, me, you,

and so many other women have been disappointed by Ted.

Do we have to add my daughter to the list?

Okay, you're in.

Oh, thank you!

I'm forever indebted to you.

Oh, no, it's all right. I so understand.

You know, I wanted a sweet 16, too, but my mother‐‐

Yeah, yeah. You know, I think I hear the band playing.

Come on, girls.

♪ Don't know what it is about you girl ♪

♪ I'm here, there for you, girl ♪

♪ When I think... ♪

You look famous.

Are you somebody I should know?

If there's a god, yes.

No, seriously, are you in a boy band?

(scoffs) Well...

Guess not.

I hate boy bands, anyway.

Oh, yeah. Me too. They are so over.

I'm Josh. I'm Tina.

Who are you here with?

My mom.

(chuckles) You're funny!

Okay.

♪ I can't be noble now ♪

♪ You got me fallin' all over myself ♪

♪ Just like tequila ♪

This is so cool.

We're practically onstage!

Yeah! Sweat from Andy's forehead just hit me!

I want some!

Andy! Sweat on this!

♪ 'Cause you're always good for another round ♪

♪ And it starts all over again ♪

♪ Just like tequila ♪

♪ When I see ya ♪

Look at her, dancing up there in front

of 800 strangers.

But a bat mitzvah swing in front

of her grandparents is too showy.

♪ Just like, mmm, yeah ♪

♪ Mm, with a little lime ♪

♪ Just like tequila, come on ♪

♪ When I see ya ♪

♪ Throw your hands up ♪

♪ You make me crazy, messing with my mind ♪

♪ Just like tequila ♪

♪ When I see ya ♪

♪ I just want a chaser... ♪

♪ Tequila ♪

♪ I'm gonna feel her ♪

Hi, Esther.

Come to mama.

Oh, Allison, I am so glad

you and your girlfriends had a good time.

But, I gotta tell you,

I think it was a little tacky of that Rachel

to ask Andy to sign her butt.

I mean, after all, you're the birthday girl.

Hey, what is this?

Oh, it's a card from your father.

"Sorry I couldn't get the tickets.

Happy sweet 16. Love, Daddy."

Why didn't you tell me

it was Dad's fault we couldn't get tickets?

Oh, sweetie.

I didn't want you to spend your birthday

being mad at your father.

But don't worry. I was mad for us both.

Mommy? What?

I gotta hand it to you. Tonight did not suck.

Now that we know that mama knows best,

I want you to keep 2 words in the back of your head, okay?

Wedding safari.

No. Not a chance.

But you know what? When I have a daughter,

and she comes to me and wants a sweet 16,

I'm gonna say, "let Grandma do it."

I love you.

I love you.

No, she had to waste a beautiful moment

calling me "Grandma."

(man screams)

Just me, Gregory.

(sighs) Well, apparently I'm scaring the neighbors now.

Guess I'm not pretty anymore.

Oh, darling.

You are beautiful inside and out,

with or without a makeover.

Yeah, yeah. Beauty's only skin deep.

And mine's melting.

(telephone rings)

Who the hell is that at this hour?

Hello?

Hi, Tina.

She found my cell phone.

A drink? Yeah, sure. I‐‐I'd love to.

Okay, I'll be right there.

I still got it.

Yes, you do.

GREGORY: Oh, my god!

Yeah, I'll take a shower first.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay. Good night, little girl.

(romantic music plays)

♪ Last dance ♪

♪ Last chance ♪

♪ For love ♪

Riley.

♪ Yes, it's my last chance ♪

♪ For romance ♪

♪ Tonight... ♪

Oh, Riley.

Happy sweet 16.

Wanna dance?

Oh,

I can't believe you did all this.

How did you get everything?

Well, Kyan leant me the suit,

Gregory gave me one of his disco balls.

Oh, this is the sweet 16

I've always wanted.

Sexy music,

dancing under a mirror ball,

my boyfriend dressed

like John Travolta.

It only took another 16 years,

but it was worth it.

16?

Shut up and kiss me.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute