Original subtitles

Yentl, Fiddler On the Roof?

Honey, this may come as a surprise to you,

but I've already seen these.

It's kind of like your family renting

Uh... Hoosiers.

I love that movie.

Fran, I'm meeting your family

for the first time at this bar mitzvah.

I want to make a good impression.

I'm the one that should be nervous, Riley.

They still think that I was nuts for leaving Ted.

But he cheated on you.

Yeah, well, I spared them those details

for Josh and Allison's sake.

All the family knows is that he's a rich, handsome Jewish doctor.

I mean, to my relatives, that is not somebody you divorce.

That's somebody you burst an appendix to meet.

Mom. What?

No pets allowed in the store. She shouldn't be here.

What is a pet, Josh?

I mean, she lives in my house. I feed her. I pay for her haircuts.

By definition, you shouldn't be here.

Can I ring those up for you...

Rabbi?

I'm doing a little prep for the bar mitzvah, Josh.

I don't want everyone judging your mom

because she's showing up with a guy who's not Jewish.

Oh, yeah. That'll be the first thing people say

when they see you two together.

The kid with Fran isn't Jewish.

Josh?

Hey!

Barry! Hi!

Wow! It's so weird to see you in a suit.

Yeah, well, on Wall Street,

if you want to make 6 figures,

you gotta wear a suit, so... I caved.

How 'bout you? How's med school?

Ah, that wasn't for me.

Just because my dad's a doctor, I gotta be a doctor?

What's that about?

So...What are you doin' now?

What am I doing now?

What am I not doing now, you know?

I mean, between this and that and things on the back burner, irons‐‐

Hey, Josh. You dropped your name tag.

How's this nice fella gonna know that you're the assistant manager?

Someone could tell him.

Mrs. Reeves?

Barry?

Barry Regal?

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you since prom night

when you threw up in the backseat

of my ex‐husband's convertible.

You know, I never thanked you for that.

Oh, Joshie, I'm cooking your favorite tonight‐‐

Chinese take‐out. So after work, come straight home.

Josh, you live with your mom?

Only until I... You know...

Move.

Could you embarrass me any more?

Oh, Barry, this is Riley, my boyfriend.

That wasn't a challenge.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Aw, you're watching Joshie's bar mitzvah video!

Yeah, I think so, but where's Josh? I just see the podium.

Wait. The rabbi's getting the stepstool.

There's my little man!

Gimme, gimme.

I wanna fast‐forward to the buffet.

Oh! Look at that.

That's what it looked like right before the doors opened.

Two minutes later, it was like a Jewish mosh pit.

Wow! That shrimp really looks good.

Yeah. He'll be wearing the same suit this weekend.

Oh! Look!

My bar mitzvah video.

It's so weird to see you and Dad standing next to each other

and smiling and happy.

Ah, there we go. The traditional hurling of the Sterno can.

I was a little drunk. Had I been sober, I would have hit him.

You know, mom, do me a favor.

At kenny's bar mitzvah, don't tell anybody that I work at a video store.

You know, Josh, I'm not doing so great, either.

The only houses that I get to decorate

are the ones from my divorced girlfriends,

and I've run out of them.

Although, I did see my friend Andrea Wilkins

slap her husband in the parking lot at Costco.

But...I don't want to get my hopes up.

Josh, you shouldn't be embarrassed about what you do.

He's right. You should be embarrassed about who you are.

Good one, Allison. You can tell that joke to your imaginary boyfriend.

Oh, that's right. He dumped you.

Cut it out, you two. Stop fighting.

I'm trying to watch you when you were still a‐dor‐a‐ble!

Allison, you were adorable. Look at you singing your little heart out.

That's not me. It's my cousin Brianna.

Everyone gets us mixed up.

And then their faces drop the moment they realize

I'm not the one who starred in the far Rockaway dinner theater production

of the Miracle Worker!

Like I couldn't mumble and trip over things.

Dad gonna be at the bar mitzvah?

Yes. Then I'm not going.

If I want to know what a loser Dad thinks I am,

I can read my birthday card again.

Oh, sweetie, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

And if you don't come, people are just gonna talk,

and you know how gossipy our family can be...

Like Aunt Evelyn, who I hear

has a daughter who's become a pole dancer

and is living with a guy who may or may not have a prosthetic foot.

But you didn't hear it from me.

("In Da Club" plays)

♪ We got a plan on your bar mitzvah ♪

♪ You become a man on your bar mitzvah ♪

♪ Holla back ♪

GUESTS: ♪ It's your bar mitzvah ♪

Whose bar mitzvah?

GUESTS: Kenny Goldstein!

(cheering)

Where ya going, Tarzan?

I gotta sit down, Aunt Riva.

I'm schvitzing here!

Well, it looks like you're a hit!

How could I miss? Look who I'm here with.

Aw...

Riley, would you mind dancing with my little Lisa?

She's too shy to ask.

Well, sure. It'll be my‐‐

Whoa!

Oh, my God, Meryl.

Your little Lisa's really comin' outta her shell.

And her top. A little less with with the bouncing, Lisa!

So, what's everybody saying?

Well, word is that Cousin Gracie's date's got a fake foot,

but you didn't hear it from me.

No, I mean about me and Riley.

Well, they're sayin' that if you let this one get away, too,

you deserve to die alone.

Oh! That is so sweet!

You know, these kids are growing so damn fast.

Would you look at my Lisa?

Can you believe the dress she picked out?

I love the little pink buttons.

Those aren't buttons.

Would you pull it up, Lisa?!

Brianna!

No, I'm Allison.

Ech. You're right.

Oh, Riley, I want you to meet my little Cousin Brianna.

She's the one with the pretty voice.

(nasal voice like Fran) Hiiii!

Wow. She could be your daughter.

Everyone says that.

Could be the hair. Maybe it's the hair.

(nasal laugh)

Yeah! Definitely the hair!

FRAN AND BRIANNA: Hi, Allison!

Hey, Brianna! How's it going?

You know, "Brianna, how's the career?

Brianna, where are you performing next?"

I just wish I could stay out of the spotlight

for one second!

DJ: Is brizizle in the hizzle?

Hold my purse.

Quick, before some yenta grabs you.

♪ Would you dance ♪

♪ If I asked you to dance? ♪

♪ And would you run ♪

♪ And never look back? ♪

♪ Would you... ♪

Thank you for tonight.

What, for schmoozing your family?

I'm having a great time.

Oh, look. We're in the spotlight.

You know why?

'Cause we're the perfect couple.

BRIANNA: ♪ If I touched your lips... ♪

What happened to the spotlight?

It's on Ted. He just walked in.

And he brought a date.

Oh, big deal. So my ex‐husband comes walking in

with a stunning blond who looks like Rachel Hunter.

Who cares?

We're not in competition.

Actually, Fran, that is Rachel Hunter.

Quick! Take off your shirt!

Oh, this is so pathetic!

He is so insecure!

He knows that I'm coming here with you, so what does he do?

He's gotta bring a big supermodel with him.

Does he really think this impresses people?

Who are you calling?

No one. I was just getting a picture of Rachel Hunter.

(whining) Meryl...

What's the matter, honey?

Oh, Ted's got some nerve showing up here with a gorgeous blond.

Yeah. How embarrassing.

The two of you showed up wearing the same date.

How the heck does he know Rachel Hunter anyways?

Listen, you've gotta do me a favor.

When she's away from Ted, I want you to pump her for information.

How?

I don't know. Corner her in the bathroom.

Ooh! Better yet, ask her to dance. She likes to dance.

Two women dancing? Why don't you do it?

Eh, for me it's weird.

Well, Dad's here, so if anybody's looking for me,

I'll be in the fetal position.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute.

This is a family affair. Can't you be civil to your father?

How can I be civil to the man who's responsible for my nervous breakdown?

Who is that he's with? Rachel Hunter.

Daddy?

Hello, my angel.

Rachel, these are my children.

You must be Allison. Yeah!

Your dad's so proud of you. He's told me so much about you.

Josh.

What's up?

It's very nice to meet you.

Hey, Josh, you should give Rachel

a picture of you in a swimming suit

since you have so‐‐

very funny, Allison. Very funny.

Frannie, what's wrong?

Oh, just look at my kids

fawning all over that Rachel Hunter.

You know, it's all part of Ted's evil plan

to turn everyone against me.

I didn't know that Ted could still push your buttons like this.

You have to rise above it and put the past behind you.

Oh, you're right. He's trying to get a reaction out of me,

and I'm just not gonna give him the satisfaction.

We will just sit here and ignore them.

But I kinda wanted to meet Rachel Hunter.

Oh, all right. Let's go.

I'm just going to be the picture of decorum and civility.

Ted.

Fran! It's been a while.

And Riley...Look at you!

You're shaving now!

Oh. Oh! Because I'm young.

You still got it, Ted! Ha ha ha!

Hi. Riley Martin.

Pleased to meet you.

This is supermodel Rachel Hunter.

Rachel, this is Fran, my old wife.

Ex‐wife.

I have to tell you, I just love you on that dance show.

But you know what? You should have won!

That's ok. We had a great time.

No, but really, if I were you, I would demand a recount.

I mean, that Evander Holyfield... Two left feet and half an ear!

So, Fran, what do you do?

I'm a professional decorator.

Well, she helps her divorced friends pick out toilets.

Fran's very talented.

She really is an artist.

Oh! I suppose that makes my plumber Leonardo Davinci.

DJ: Yo, yo, yo. Quiet, everybody.

Kenny Goldstein's in the house!

"Thank you all for being here at my bar mitzvah

on this...The day of my bar mitzvah.

I'd like to call some very special people onto the dance floor

for a very special dance.

My parents, Linda and Gary.

My grandparents, Manny and Frieda.

And my godparents, cousins Fran and Ted."

Oh, crap! Now I gotta touch him!

(dance music begins)

Riley's very loyal.

You trained him well.

I suppose it's easier when you get them as puppies.

You know, Ted, it is just killing you

that I'm happy, isn't it?

Let me tell you something‐‐

if I got 1/10th the support from you that I get from Riley,

I wouldn't just be doing my girlfriends' bathrooms.

I'd be up to my neck in celebrity toilets by now!

She so should have won!

So...Julia.

How do you know Kenny?

I was his babysitter.

I used to give him a bath, put him to bed, read him stories.

Oh, yeah? I could use one of you.

You have a kid?

No.

So what do you do?

Um...I work in film.

Distribution, mainly.

Really?

What are you, like a movie mogul?

Mogul? Ha ha ha!

Ted!

What? He works in a video store.

Oh! You work in a video store.

He is the manager.

Assistant manager.

But I will be able to move up

once my boss goes to space camp this summer.

Thanks for the... Dance.

And thank you, Dad, for continuing to ruin my life.

Oh, here we go again!

It's all my fault 'cause I forced you into med school.

When are you going to take responsibility, Josh, hmm?

I've been out of the picture for some time.

You still haven't done a damn thing with your life.

It takes you 6 months to figure out what color porsche you want,

and I can't have a couple of weeks to figure out the rest of my life?

Yeah. Give the kid some time to breathe!

Maybe you're giving him too much time.

Maybe you're part of the problem.

Hey, Mom is not the problem. She's a great parent.

Thank you!

Every dumb‐ass mistake I ever made, she completely supported.

Yeah!

Did it ever occur to you that maybe he's a late bloomer?

Look at me. I didn't even begin to bloom until dumped you!

I see you never dumped that diamond watch I gave you.

You think I care about this diamond stinking watch on my wrist?

If I want to know the time, I will look in my purse!

Fran‐‐

I'm sorry, honey. I know that I promised you

that I wasn't gonna let him get to me.

But when he goes after Josh, all bets are off!

Mom, Dad,

take it outside. They're cutting the cake.

I know what this is all about.

It has nothing to do with Josh!

You made the biggest mistake of your life when you left me,

and you're trying to take me down a peg in front of the family!

(laughs) Oh, Ted, if I wanted to take you down a peg,

I could have told the family years ago

that you cheated on me!

But my problem was I didn't want to hurt my children.

Fran. What? What?

(gasps)

But I have no problem telling my children

and everybody else in this room

that Ted bought his date with Rachel Hunter

from a charity event!

And...Thank you!

Well, I think this was the best bar mitzvah ever.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

We probably won't be invited to another one for a long time.

Who cares?

While you guys were busy digging Kenny out of the cake,

I ripped off Brianna's birth control patch.

Allison! You go right upstairs and call your cousin,

even if you have to pull her out of bed.

In fact, that's probably a good idea.

You know, I hate to admit it,

but it's a good thing dad was there.

No one else could have suctioned the icing out of Kenny's lungs.

What are the odds? A room full of Jews,

and only one doctor.

Hey, honey, where do you want these?

Just stick 'em in the den, sweetie.

(humming "Hava Nagila")

Oh, Joshie,

I was so proud of you the way you stood up to your father tonight.

Yeah, I guess I was pretty great.

He was all, "Why you still blamin' me?"

And I was all up in his face going,

"Gimme time, man. Tch! You're the reason my life sucks.

Maybe you suck!"

You didn't actually say that.

No. But it was clearly implied.

And then he has the nerve to ask me what my excuse is

now that he's out of my life.

I know. I mean, how does he expect you to move on?

I haven't even moved on, and I divorced him!

Yeah! I know! Really!

Uh‐oh.

Oh, my God, you don't think that he could be...

Right?

I mean...What is our excuse for not moving on?

He's not in our lives anymore.

He can't control us. (gasps)

Unless he implanted a microchip into our brains

when we were sleeping!

Oh, no. That's ridiculous.

We'd have beeped in the airports.

Wait a minute. So what are you saying?

You're saying we can't blame dad anymore?

I don't think so.

Huh.

Well, that blows.

Look, you know what?

Here's the thing.

We do have to take some responsibility.

We do have to figure out where we're heading in our lives.

But we don't have to let anybody else know that he was "right."

Deal?

Deal.

You know...

This is good. It's good.

Moving on. I like it.

I mean, it's not like I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life working in a video store.

Sweetie, I love you, and I don't care what you do.

(kissing)

Just as long as you don't spend the rest of your life living here.

Anyone who gossips about you two has got a lotta kut‐spa.

Mm‐mm.

It's chutzpah.

Say it like you got a rice crispy stuck in your throat.

Chutzpah!

Yes.

Right in the eye.

I mean, really, when your partner,

who is a professional dancer, steps on your toes,

in my opinion, the fix is in.

Let it go.

Hi, you guys.

It's been a long time since we saw you.

Manny, I told you they're divorced.

Would you put that hearing aid in?

Frannie, you look gorgeous.

Oh! Thank you, Aunt Frieda.

Gee, you guys are still like newlyweds.

Thank god for the little blue pills!

Everybody has to know our business?

Oh, my God!

I killed Kenny!

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute