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1
00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:06,372
Yentl, FiddlerOn the Roof?
2
00:00:06,372 --> 00:00:08,509
Honey, this may come
as a surprise to you,
3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,512
but I've already
seen these.
4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,447
It's kind of like
your family renting
5
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:16,783
Uh... Hoosiers.
6
00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:18,652
I love that movie.
7
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,120
Fran, I'm meeting
your family
8
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,487
for the first time
at this bar mitzvah.
9
00:00:21,487 --> 00:00:22,756
I want to make
a good impression.
10
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,258
I'm the one that should
be nervous, Riley.
11
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:28,328
They still think
that I was nuts
for leaving Ted.
12
00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:30,196
But he cheated on you.
13
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,298
Yeah, well,
I spared them those details
14
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:33,600
for Josh and Allison's sake.
15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,103
All the family knows
is that he's a rich,
handsome Jewish doctor.
16
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,673
I mean, to my relatives,
that is not somebody
you divorce.
17
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:44,377
That's somebody
you burst an appendix
to meet.
18
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,480
Mom.
What?
19
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,551
No pets allowed
in the store. She
shouldn't be here.
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,385
What is a pet, Josh?
21
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:56,590
I mean, she lives
in my house. I feed her.
I pay for her haircuts.
22
00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,393
By definition,
you shouldn't be here.
23
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:04,497
Can I ring those up
for you...
24
00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:05,599
Rabbi?
25
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,400
I'm doing a little prep
for the bar mitzvah, Josh.
26
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,535
I don't want everyone
judging your mom
27
00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,604
because she's showing up
with a guy who's not Jewish.
28
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:13,239
Oh, yeah. That'll be
the first thing
people say
29
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,808
when they see
you two together.
30
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,811
The kid with Fran
isn't Jewish.
31
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,448
Josh?
32
00:01:22,448 --> 00:01:23,850
Hey!
33
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,218
Barry! Hi!
34
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:28,488
Wow! It's so weird
to see you in a suit.
35
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,190
Yeah, well,
on Wall Street,
36
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,125
if you want to make
6 figures,
37
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,427
you gotta wear
a suit, so...
I caved.
38
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:37,497
How 'bout you?
How's med school?
39
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:38,565
Ah, that wasn't for me.
40
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:41,835
Just because
my dad's a doctor,
I gotta be a doctor?
41
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,737
What's that about?
42
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,606
So...What are you
doin' now?
43
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,341
What am I doing now?
44
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,810
What am I not
doing now, you know?
45
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:54,247
I mean, between this
and that and things
on the back burner, irons‐‐
46
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:55,616
Hey, Josh. You dropped
your name tag.
47
00:01:55,616 --> 00:02:01,121
How's this nice fella
gonna know that
you're the assistant manager?
48
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,457
Someone could tell him.
49
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:06,893
Mrs. Reeves?
50
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,562
Barry?
51
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:09,563
Barry Regal?
52
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:13,166
Oh, my God!
I haven't seen you
since prom night
53
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:13,900
when you threw up
in the backseat
54
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:17,771
of my ex‐husband's
convertible.
55
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,474
You know,
I never thanked you
for that.
56
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,244
Oh, Joshie,
I'm cooking your
favorite tonight‐‐
57
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:27,514
Chinese take‐out.
So after work,
come straight home.
58
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,950
Josh, you live
with your mom?
59
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,886
Only until I...
You know...
60
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,188
Move.
61
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:39,292
Could you embarrass me
any more?
62
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,696
Oh, Barry, this is
Riley, my boyfriend.
63
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,265
That wasn't
a challenge.
64
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,769
♪ And I ♪
65
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,271
♪ Feel beautiful
right now ♪
66
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,807
♪ For the first time
in a long time ♪
67
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,710
♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪
68
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,879
♪ And life ♪
69
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,981
♪ Gets better every day ♪
70
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,650
♪ Though it seems
so complicated ♪
71
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,319
♪ We're gonna work it out ♪
72
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:09,189
♪ Whatever comes our way ♪
73
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:21,301
Aw, you're watching
Joshie's bar mitzvah
video!
74
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:24,705
Yeah, I think so,
but where's Josh?
I just see the podium.
75
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:28,642
Wait. The rabbi's
getting the stepstool.
76
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:32,579
There's my little man!
77
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:33,914
Gimme, gimme.
78
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:37,217
I wanna fast‐forward
to the buffet.
79
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,885
Oh! Look at that.
80
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,322
That's what it looked like
right before the doors opened.
81
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:46,927
Two minutes later,
it was like a Jewish mosh pit.
82
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,796
Wow! That shrimp
really looks good.
83
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:53,700
Yeah. He'll be wearing
the same suit
this weekend.
84
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,436
Oh! Look!
85
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,638
My bar mitzvah
video.
86
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,508
It's so weird to see
you and Dad standing
next to each other
87
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:02,709
and smiling and happy.
88
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:06,446
Ah, there we go.
The traditional hurling
of the Sterno can.
89
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:11,017
I was a little drunk.
Had I been sober,
I would have hit him.
90
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,953
You know, mom,
do me a favor.
91
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:16,356
At kenny's bar mitzvah,
don't tell anybody that
I work at a video store.
92
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,825
You know, Josh,
I'm not doing
so great, either.
93
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,927
The only houses
that I get to decorate
94
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,463
are the ones from
my divorced girlfriends,
95
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,766
and I've run out
of them.
96
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,301
Although,
I did see my friend
Andrea Wilkins
97
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:32,005
slap her husband
in the parking lot
at Costco.
98
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:36,643
But...I don't want
to get my hopes up.
99
00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:39,580
Josh, you shouldn't
be embarrassed
about what you do.
100
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:44,585
He's right.
You should be embarrassed
about who you are.
101
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:50,557
Good one, Allison.
You can tell that joke
to your imaginary boyfriend.
102
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,794
Oh, that's right.
He dumped you.
103
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,195
Cut it out, you two.
Stop fighting.
104
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:59,933
I'm trying to watch you
when you were still
a‐dor‐a‐ble!
105
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:05,038
Allison, you were adorable.
Look at you singing
your little heart out.
106
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,441
That's not me.
It's my cousin Brianna.
107
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:09,876
Everyone
gets us mixed up.
108
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,344
And then their faces drop
the moment they realize
109
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:15,882
I'm not the one who starred
in the far Rockaway
dinner theater production
110
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,752
of the Miracle Worker!
111
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:23,056
Like I couldn't mumble
and trip over things.
112
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,625
Dad gonna be
at the bar mitzvah?
113
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,761
Yes.
Then I'm not going.
114
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,096
If I want to know
what a loser Dad
thinks I am,
115
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,032
I can read my birthday
card again.
116
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,735
Oh, sweetie,
you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
117
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,638
And if you don't come,
people are just
gonna talk,
118
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,574
and you know how gossipy
our family can be...
119
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,577
Like Aunt Evelyn,
who I hear
120
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,812
has a daughter
who's become
a pole dancer
121
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:52,452
and is living with a guy
who may or may not have
a prosthetic foot.
122
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,124
But you didn't hear it
from me.
123
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:03,697
("In Da Club" plays)
124
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,166
♪ We got a plan
on your bar mitzvah ♪
125
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,769
♪ You become a man
on your bar mitzvah ♪
126
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,103
♪ Holla back ♪
127
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,605
GUESTS: ♪ It's your
bar mitzvah ♪
128
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,839
Whose bar mitzvah?
129
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,608
GUESTS: Kenny Goldstein!
130
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,643
(cheering)
131
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,852
Where ya going,
Tarzan?
132
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,854
I gotta sit down,
Aunt Riva.
133
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:30,591
I'm schvitzing here!
134
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:34,160
Well, it looks like
you're a hit!
135
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,130
How could I miss?
Look who I'm here with.
136
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,164
Aw...
137
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:42,202
Riley, would you mind
dancing with my little Lisa?
138
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,837
She's too shy to ask.
139
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,906
Well, sure.
It'll be my‐‐
140
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,741
Whoa!
141
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,142
Oh, my God, Meryl.
142
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,012
Your little Lisa's
really comin'
outta her shell.
143
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:56,182
And her top.
A little less with
with the bouncing, Lisa!
144
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:58,585
So, what's everybody
saying?
145
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:02,022
Well, word is that
Cousin Gracie's date's
got a fake foot,
146
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:05,058
but you didn't hear it
from me.
147
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,060
No, I mean about
me and Riley.
148
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,597
Well, they're sayin'
that if you let
this one get away, too,
149
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,133
you deserve to die
alone.
150
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,135
Oh! That is so sweet!
151
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,939
You know, these kids
are growing
so damn fast.
152
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,173
Would you look
at my Lisa?
153
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,208
Can you believe
the dress
she picked out?
154
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,911
I love the little
pink buttons.
155
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,112
Those aren't buttons.
156
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,182
Would you pull it up,
Lisa?!
157
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,486
Brianna!
158
00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:34,955
No, I'm Allison.
159
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,158
Ech. You're right.
160
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:45,265
Oh, Riley, I want you
to meet my little
Cousin Brianna.
161
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,167
She's the one
with the pretty voice.
162
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:50,103
(nasal voice like
Fran) Hiiii!
163
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,639
Wow. She could be
your daughter.
164
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,974
Everyone says that.
165
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,076
Could be the hair.
Maybe it's the hair.
166
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,078
(nasal laugh)
167
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,213
Yeah! Definitely the hair!
168
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,283
FRAN AND BRIANNA:
Hi, Allison!
169
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,086
Hey, Brianna!
How's it going?
170
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,655
You know, "Brianna,
how's the career?
171
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,524
Brianna,
where are you
performing next?"
172
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:14,294
I just wish
I could stay out of
the spotlight
173
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,261
for one second!
174
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,798
DJ: Is brizizle
in the hizzle?
175
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,066
Hold my purse.
176
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:26,006
Quick, before some
yenta grabs you.
177
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,744
♪ Would you dance ♪
178
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:34,681
♪ If I asked you
to dance? ♪
179
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,217
♪ And would you run ♪
180
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,754
♪ And never look back? ♪
181
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,222
♪ Would you... ♪
182
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,124
Thank you for
tonight.
183
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,593
What,
for schmoozing
your family?
184
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,995
I'm having
a great time.
185
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,998
Oh, look.
We're in the spotlight.
186
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,233
You know why?
187
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,136
'Cause we're
the perfect couple.
188
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:59,105
BRIANNA: ♪ If I
touched your lips... ♪
189
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:02,809
What happened
to the spotlight?
190
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,012
It's on Ted.
He just walked in.
191
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,313
And he brought
a date.
192
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,983
Oh, big deal.
So my ex‐husband
comes walking in
193
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:13,319
with a stunning blond
who looks like
Rachel Hunter.
194
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,855
Who cares?
195
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,657
We're not in competition.
196
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,226
Actually, Fran,
that is Rachel Hunter.
197
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,029
Quick! Take off your shirt!
198
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:33,073
Oh, this is so pathetic!
199
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,307
He is so insecure!
200
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,977
He knows that
I'm coming here with you,
so what does he do?
201
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,345
He's gotta bring a big
supermodel with him.
202
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:44,150
Does he really think
this impresses people?
203
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,152
Who are you calling?
204
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:51,057
No one. I was just
getting a picture
of Rachel Hunter.
205
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,260
(whining) Meryl...
206
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,529
What's the matter,
honey?
207
00:09:55,529 --> 00:10:01,635
Oh, Ted's got some nerve
showing up here
with a gorgeous blond.
208
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,136
Yeah. How embarrassing.
209
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,072
The two of you
showed up wearing
the same date.
210
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,680
How the heck
does he know Rachel Hunter
anyways?
211
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,116
Listen, you've gotta
do me a favor.
212
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:20,854
When she's away from Ted,
I want you to pump her
for information.
213
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:21,755
How?
214
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:22,889
I don't know.
Corner her in the bathroom.
215
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:26,893
Ooh! Better yet,
ask her to dance.
She likes to dance.
216
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:30,330
Two women dancing?
Why don't you do it?
217
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,199
Eh, for me it's weird.
218
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:37,203
Well, Dad's here,
so if anybody's
looking for me,
219
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,739
I'll be
in the fetal position.
220
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:39,940
Oh, now, now,
wait a minute.
221
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:43,009
This is a family affair.
Can't you be civil
to your father?
222
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:47,013
How can I be civil
to the man who's responsible
for my nervous breakdown?
223
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:50,050
Who is that he's with?
Rachel Hunter.
224
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,018
Daddy?
225
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,020
Hello, my angel.
226
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,890
Rachel, these
are my children.
227
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,091
You must be Allison.
Yeah!
228
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:02,729
Your dad's so proud
of you. He's told me
so much about you.
229
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:03,997
Josh.
230
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,166
What's up?
231
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,102
It's very nice
to meet you.
232
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,071
Hey, Josh, you
should give Rachel
233
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,439
a picture of you
in a swimming suit
234
00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:14,908
since you have so‐‐
235
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,711
very funny, Allison.
Very funny.
236
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,946
Frannie,
what's wrong?
237
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,748
Oh, just look
at my kids
238
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,283
fawning all over
that Rachel Hunter.
239
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:27,120
You know,
it's all part of
Ted's evil plan
240
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,056
to turn everyone
against me.
241
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,393
I didn't know
that Ted could still push
your buttons like this.
242
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,462
You have to rise above it
and put the past
behind you.
243
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,966
Oh, you're right.
He's trying to get
a reaction out of me,
244
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:42,435
and I'm just not gonna
give him the satisfaction.
245
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:46,239
We will just sit here
and ignore them.
246
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,276
But I kinda wanted
to meet Rachel Hunter.
247
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,012
Oh, all right. Let's go.
248
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:57,317
I'm just going to be
the picture of decorum
and civility.
249
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,022
Ted.
250
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,257
Fran! It's been a while.
251
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:07,427
And Riley...Look at you!
252
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:10,330
You're shaving now!
253
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:14,400
Oh. Oh! Because
I'm young.
254
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,204
You still got it,
Ted! Ha ha ha!
255
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,340
Hi. Riley Martin.
256
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,942
Pleased
to meet you.
257
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,344
This is supermodel
Rachel Hunter.
258
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,914
Rachel, this is Fran,
my old wife.
259
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,082
Ex‐wife.
260
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,553
I have to tell you,
I just love you
on that dance show.
261
00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:36,022
But you know what?
You should have won!
262
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,490
That's ok.
We had a great time.
263
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,994
No, but really,
if I were you, I would
demand a recount.
264
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:47,067
I mean,
that Evander Holyfield...
Two left feet and half an ear!
265
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,304
So, Fran,
what do you do?
266
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,873
I'm
a professional
decorator.
267
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:56,276
Well, she helps
her divorced friends
pick out toilets.
268
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,244
Fran's very talented.
269
00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:00,246
She really is an artist.
270
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:04,985
Oh! I suppose
that makes my plumber
Leonardo Davinci.
271
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,254
DJ: Yo, yo, yo.
Quiet, everybody.
272
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,491
Kenny Goldstein's
in the house!
273
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,395
"Thank you all for being
here at my bar mitzvah
274
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:20,867
on this...The day
of my bar mitzvah.
275
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,436
I'd like to call
some very special people
onto the dance floor
276
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,205
for a very special dance.
277
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,174
My parents, Linda and Gary.
278
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,911
My grandparents,
Manny and Frieda.
279
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:34,180
And my godparents,
cousins Fran and Ted."
280
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,419
Oh, crap!
Now I gotta touch him!
281
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,988
(dance music begins)
282
00:13:44,525 --> 00:13:47,327
Riley's very loyal.
283
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,862
You trained him well.
284
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:52,633
I suppose it's easier
when you get them
as puppies.
285
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:56,302
You know, Ted,
it is just killing you
286
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,404
that I'm happy,
isn't it?
287
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,340
Let me tell you
something‐‐
288
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:03,309
if I got 1/10th
the support from you
that I get from Riley,
289
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:06,246
I wouldn't just be
doing my girlfriends'
bathrooms.
290
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:11,251
I'd be up to my neck
in celebrity toilets
by now!
291
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,123
She so should have won!
292
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,327
So...Julia.
293
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,029
How do you know
Kenny?
294
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,264
I was his babysitter.
295
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,299
I used to give him a bath,
put him to bed,
read him stories.
296
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:29,536
Oh, yeah? I could
use one of you.
297
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,037
You have a kid?
298
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,306
No.
299
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,175
So what do you do?
300
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,511
Um...I work in film.
301
00:14:37,511 --> 00:14:40,046
Distribution,
mainly.
302
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:40,814
Really?
303
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:43,416
What are you,
like a movie mogul?
304
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,417
Mogul? Ha ha ha!
305
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,218
Ted!
306
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,154
What? He works
in a video store.
307
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,257
Oh! You work
in a video store.
308
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,358
He is the manager.
309
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:54,928
Assistant
manager.
310
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,530
But I will be able
to move up
311
00:14:56,530 --> 00:15:00,066
once my boss
goes to space camp
this summer.
312
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,904
Thanks for the...
Dance.
313
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,440
And thank you, Dad,
for continuing
to ruin my life.
314
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,575
Oh, here we go again!
315
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,677
It's all my fault
'cause I forced you
into med school.
316
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:14,648
When are you going
to take responsibility,
Josh, hmm?
317
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,182
I've been out of
the picture for some time.
318
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,184
You still haven't
done a damn thing
with your life.
319
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,553
It takes you 6 months
to figure out what color
porsche you want,
320
00:15:19,553 --> 00:15:22,956
and I can't have a couple
of weeks to figure out
the rest of my life?
321
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,424
Yeah. Give the kid
some time to breathe!
322
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,992
Maybe you're giving
him too much time.
323
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,561
Maybe you're part
of the problem.
324
00:15:27,561 --> 00:15:30,163
Hey, Mom
is not the problem.
She's a great parent.
325
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,397
Thank you!
326
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:33,567
Every dumb‐ass mistake
I ever made,
she completely supported.
327
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:34,835
Yeah!
328
00:15:34,835 --> 00:15:37,403
Did it ever occur
to you that maybe
he's a late bloomer?
329
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:41,241
Look at me. I didn't
even begin to bloom
until dumped you!
330
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,476
I see you never
dumped that diamond
watch I gave you.
331
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:47,280
You think I care about
this diamond stinking
watch on my wrist?
332
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:52,385
If I want to know
the time, I will look
in my purse!
333
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,386
Fran‐‐
334
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,288
I'm sorry, honey.
I know that I promised you
335
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,223
that I wasn't gonna
let him get to me.
336
00:15:57,223 --> 00:16:01,161
But when he goes after
Josh, all bets are off!
337
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,128
Mom, Dad,
338
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,532
take it outside.
They're cutting the cake.
339
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,500
I know what this
is all about.
340
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,302
It has nothing
to do with Josh!
341
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,638
You made the biggest
mistake of your life
when you left me,
342
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,340
and you're trying
to take me down a peg
in front of the family!
343
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:18,712
(laughs) Oh, Ted,
if I wanted to take you
down a peg,
344
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,582
I could have told
the family years ago
345
00:16:21,582 --> 00:16:24,050
that you cheated on me!
346
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:30,023
But my problem was
I didn't want to hurt
my children.
347
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,726
Fran.
What? What?
348
00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,360
(gasps)
349
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,230
But I have no problem
telling my children
350
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,464
and everybody else
in this room
351
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:42,536
that Ted bought his date
with Rachel Hunter
352
00:16:42,536 --> 00:16:46,272
from a charity event!
353
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,013
And...Thank you!
354
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,385
Well, I think this was
the best bar mitzvah
ever.
355
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,587
I'm glad
you enjoyed yourself.
356
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:04,791
We probably won't be
invited to another one
for a long time.
357
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:05,926
Who cares?
358
00:17:05,926 --> 00:17:09,129
While you guys
were busy digging Kenny
out of the cake,
359
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,365
I ripped off Brianna's
birth control patch.
360
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,202
Allison! You go
right upstairs and
call your cousin,
361
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,304
even if you have to
pull her out of bed.
362
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:22,275
In fact,
that's probably
a good idea.
363
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,846
You know,
I hate to admit it,
364
00:17:25,846 --> 00:17:27,581
but it's a good thing
dad was there.
365
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:31,351
No one else could have
suctioned the icing
out of Kenny's lungs.
366
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,154
What are the odds?
A room full of Jews,
367
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:37,323
and only one doctor.
368
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,626
Hey, honey,
where do you want these?
369
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,194
Just stick 'em
in the den, sweetie.
370
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:44,798
(humming "Hava Nagila")
371
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:46,132
Oh, Joshie,
372
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:51,304
I was so proud of you
the way you stood up
to your father tonight.
373
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:52,873
Yeah, I guess
I was pretty great.
374
00:17:52,873 --> 00:17:56,342
He was all,
"Why you still
blamin' me?"
375
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,811
And I was all up
in his face going,
376
00:17:57,811 --> 00:18:01,648
"Gimme time, man. Tch!
You're the reason
my life sucks.
377
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,850
Maybe you suck!"
378
00:18:05,719 --> 00:18:07,854
You didn't actually
say that.
379
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,823
No. But it was clearly
implied.
380
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:12,893
And then he has the nerve
to ask me what my excuse is
381
00:18:12,893 --> 00:18:14,060
now that he's
out of my life.
382
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,130
I know. I mean,
how does he expect
you to move on?
383
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,866
I haven't even moved on,
and I divorced him!
384
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,702
Yeah! I know!
Really!
385
00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:23,804
Uh‐oh.
386
00:18:23,804 --> 00:18:27,407
Oh, my God, you don't think
that he could be...
387
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,374
Right?
388
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:32,679
I mean...What is
our excuse for not moving on?
389
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,848
He's not in our lives
anymore.
390
00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:36,817
He can't control us.
(gasps)
391
00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:40,220
Unless he implanted
a microchip into our brains
392
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,756
when we were sleeping!
393
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:45,491
Oh, no.
That's ridiculous.
394
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:48,729
We'd have beeped
in the airports.
395
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,396
Wait a minute.
So what are you saying?
396
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:53,366
You're saying we can't
blame dad anymore?
397
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,902
I don't think so.
398
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:56,870
Huh.
399
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:59,339
Well,
that blows.
400
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,875
Look, you know what?
401
00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:03,276
Here's the thing.
402
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,946
We do have to take
some responsibility.
403
00:19:05,946 --> 00:19:09,883
We do have to figure out
where we're heading
in our lives.
404
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:15,388
But we don't have to let
anybody else know
that he was "right."
405
00:19:15,789 --> 00:19:17,858
Deal?
406
00:19:17,858 --> 00:19:19,359
Deal.
407
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,394
You know...
408
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,229
This is good.
It's good.
409
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:24,297
Moving on.
I like it.
410
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,932
I mean, it's not like
I'm gonna spend
411
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,968
the rest of my life
working in a video store.
412
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:32,205
Sweetie, I love you,
and I don't care
what you do.
413
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,540
(kissing)
414
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:38,779
Just as long as you
don't spend the rest
of your life living here.
415
00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:48,388
Anyone who gossips
about you two has got
a lotta kut‐spa.
416
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:49,823
Mm‐mm.
417
00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:51,558
It's chutzpah.
418
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:55,829
Say it like you got
a rice crispy stuck
in your throat.
419
00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:57,764
Chutzpah!
420
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:58,732
Yes.
421
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,567
Right in the eye.
422
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,402
I mean, really,
when your partner,
423
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:06,840
who is
a professional dancer,
steps on your toes,
424
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,277
in my opinion,
the fix is in.
425
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:15,381
Let it go.
426
00:20:16,517 --> 00:20:17,383
Hi, you guys.
427
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:21,354
It's been a long time
since we saw you.
428
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,923
Manny, I told you
they're divorced.
429
00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:25,626
Would you put
that hearing aid in?
430
00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:27,594
Frannie,
you look gorgeous.
431
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,996
Oh! Thank you,
Aunt Frieda.
432
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,533
Gee, you guys
are still like
newlyweds.
433
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,869
Thank god for
the little blue pills!
434
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:39,506
Everybody has to know
our business?
435
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,479
Oh, my God!
436
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,883
I killed Kenny!
437
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:26,853
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