Original subtitles

Josh, could you read this label

and tell me how much food

I'm supposed to give Esther?

Well, this is Sterno.

So I guess it depends on how long you'd like her to burn.

Why don't you just get some glasses?

Shh!

I have a pair.

I just don't want Riley to see me in 'em.

Isn't it bad enough that he found a gray hair

before I had a chance to get at it with a Sharpie.

Oh, um, just so you know,

I won't be home for dinner tonight.

I gotta check out a used car I found online.

Oh, can't you do that another time?

It's been 2 weeks since you've had a home‐cooked meal.

The frozen lasagnas are gonna expire.

I'm sorry, Mom, but this is the only car I can afford right now.

Everything else is out of my reach.

Including the brake pedals.

Mom, I met this girl at school.

Her name's Becca.

She invited me to have dinner at her house.

Oh, a new buddy.

Now you'll have somebody to talk to

behind the refreshment table at school dances.

It is so cute how you pretend to know

what the inside of a school dance looks like.

Bye, sweetie. Have a good day.

Good‐bye.

You know, I don't really know

why I care whether you have dinner with us or not.

You kids are always bickering.

What happened to our tight‐knit family?

Well, you divorced Dad, went through a mid‐life crisis,

shacked up with a guy young enough to be‐‐

Rhetorical!

Morning, Fran.

Good morning. Oh!

You wonder why I don't wanna eat around here.

So, can you believe it?

What?

It's our first anniversary.

Oh, our first anniversary.

Of what?

Frannie, one year ago today, I moved in and joined your family.

Oh, of course. I remember that.

No, I thought that you were talking about

the time that we... Were at, uh...

Oh, I got nothing.

Don't worry about it, babe.

It's just a silly thing to remember anyway.

Hey, listen, if 4 dozen roses show up later,

it's only 'cause I love Fridays.

Oh.

Okay? See you later. Okay, love you.

Love you, too.

Hey, Meryl. It's cousin Fran.

I forgot our anniversary.

Oh, I feel so guilty. I'm a terrible person.

I forget and he remembers.

You know, that's just the kind of guy that Riley is.

I mean, he's very romantic.

I mean, he remembers the first date we ever had.

And the anniversary of the first time we slept together.

Which is a little bit of a cheat,

because that was the same night.

Why is it you do stuff like that, and you get a boyfriend?

I do stuff like that, and I get banned from Shea Stadium.

You know, I feel awful.

I mean, this is the day we decided to commit to each other.

How could I forget?

Even my ex‐husband Ted remembered our anniversary.

Every year, like clockwork,

he would have whatever secretary he was doing

buy me something beautiful.

Well, it's Riley's own fault. He could've dropped you a hint.

Like when I was gettin' ready to ask Dennis for a divorce,

I starTed saying things like,

"Dennis, maybe you should put all your stuff in a suitcase."

No, he shouldn't have to drop me a hint.

I should've remembered.

That's like having to tell somebody

to complement you on your new blouse.

That's like having to tell someone

to complement you...

Oh, my God! Is that your new blouse?

It's gorgeous!

Forget it.

I'm sorry. I'm a terrible cousin.

Look, you gotta do something to make it up to him.

You know what?

I'm gonna do something that I haven't done

since the night he moved in.

I thought you said that grossed you out.

I meant cook.

I know.

What're you gonna make?

Lobster tetrazzini, just like I made on the first night.

You're telling me you put 2 live creatures in a pot of boiling water?

You know, it wasn't so hard

when you name one Ted,

and one "You cheating bastard, Ted."

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicaTed ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Ha!

What's all this?

Happy anniversary.

I'm making lobster tetrazzini, remember?

Yeah, but what's even better is that you did.

We have the house all to ourselves.

And all we're gonna do is eat?

We'll eat fast.

Sit down in your chair. I'm gonna bring you some champagne.

No. You know, you cooked all day.

I'm gonna serve you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

The last man that waited on me was...a waiter.

Hey, mom, I'm home for dinner. You happy now?

No.

This is my friend Becca. Hi.

Oh, how do you do?

I thought you were having dinner

at Becca's house tonight.

Well, we would have,

but it's not a good night at Becca's house.

Yeah, my mother just lost her estrogen patch,

and dad won't come out of the bathroom until she gets a new one.

I told her you'd be completely cool with us eating here.

I mean, especially after that gigantic guilt trip

you sent me on this morning.

Oh, sweetie, I know. I'm sorry.

Champagne, madame?

Oh, my God! You have a naked butler?

Excuse me.

That's Riley, my mom's boyfriend.

I like the way you roll.

Yeah.

Hey, guys. Mom, what's for dinner?

Uh, too many people.

Your brother's a babe.

So, is he gonna take his shirt off, too?

Here, kids. Here's money.

All 3 of you, go to the food court, buy food.

Well, that was a little awkward.

Oh, Riley, this is my friend Becca.

Good to see you again.

Yeah.

You'll probably be seeing me around here a lot.

Well, kids, you know, ordinarily

we would love to have you for dinner,

but it turns out that Riley and I

are celebrating our one year anniversary,

so get lost.

Fran, why don't we all just celebrate as a family?

Go ahead, sit down, guys.

Oh, all right.

Well, I guess I'll go defrost some lasagnas.

(doorbell rings)

Doorbell!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry,

but it's not my fault.

I told the kids that they should

have dinner with us more often,

and they picked tonight to listen to me.

I'm sure it'll never happen again.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, I'm feeding you people.

Can you get the freakin' door?

Frannie, it's ok, it'll still be special.

Just as long as we have dessert in private.

Oh, but I didn't make dessert‐‐oh.

Oh, you are bad.

You are bad. You're‐‐

Ted?!

Oh, Daddy just dropped off my laptop.

I invited him to stay for dinner. Hope it's okay.

Hello, you two. Come on, join us, why don't you?

Ted, Ted!

That champagne is for Riley's and my anniversary.

Mmm.

And it is delicious.

Ha! Well, what do you know?

It's older than your boyfriend.

Why don't we just go out for dinner?

I mean, I cooked this meal. How good can it be?

By the way, that's Riley's seat.

It's okay, Fran.

Oh, seems like once again

I've gotten somewhere before you.

So, Josh, how'd things go at the video store today?

Sell any goobers?

Dad, I know you're disappoinTed at me

for dropping out of medical school,

but, hey, I can still follow in your footsteps.

Like when I have a son, I'll coach his soccer team

and call him Tinkerbell.

So, Josh, how's the car search going?

Great. I located a '68 mustang online.

$5,000.

Does it snap together, or do you use glue?

It said it's in mint condition.

You should let me check it out.

I've got experience with older, used rides.

Well, yeah‐‐ Just eat.

Thank you, Riley, but I don't need

my mom's boyfriend to help me pick out a car.

I'm a grown man.

Incidentally, I need my bar mitzvah money.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I didn't spend it.

Mom, Becca and I want to go

to this anime movie tomorrow night,

so I was thinking maybe we could make it a girl's night.

Oh.

You know, you can buy the tickets

and then, like, leave.

What's it about?

Oh, um, I don't know.

It's called Ghost Lover. It's a cartoon.

It's not just a cartoon. I read about it.

It's like Casper, only he's anatomically correct

and can do it through walls.

So many kids from school are going.

Well, then, the other kids can tell you all about it.

Oh, nonsense.

She's old enough. I'll take her.

Fran, I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh, it's okay.

I mean, her father's gonna chaperone her.

It's just a cartoon.

She'll be all right.

She got through Little Mermaid without injury.

Oh, thanks, Daddy.

Well, I guess that's settled.

Oh, Riley, don't worry. You can go, too.

Fran will get the ticket.

One child, one senior.

Oh, bloody hell!

What the devil just spilled on my leg?

Oh, good girl, Esther.

Happy anniversary.

Good night.

Well, wait a minute.

You haven't had your dessert yet.

I guess I'm not in the mood.

We'll talk about it in the morning.

What? Why?

That is so gentile of you.

You really wanna know what my problem is?

Yes, I do.

Tonight, you basically told the whole family

I have no more say around here than the new dog.

What are you talking about?

Who am I around here, Fran?

It's not my house. These aren't my kids.

Ted comes in, I don't even have a chair.

You know, before I moved in here, I had a life.

I wasn't just "mom's boyfriend," as Josh calls me.

It's better than "he himbo doing the mommy limbo."

He really said that?

Well, it was really kind of part of a song.

Well, if it bothered you so much,

why didn't you say something?

You know, what is it with you people from the midwest?

You keep everything locked inside.

No wonder your arteries are popping left and right.

I spoke up, Fran.

I said Allison shouldn't go to the movie.

You totally ignored me.

Oh, that had nothing to do with you.

It was a family thing.

Oh, sweetie, sweetie, I didn't mean that.

Yes, you did. You know, Fran,

Josh never wanted me here.

Allison doesn't take me seriously.

I know you love me, but if I'm not part of your family,

what's my place here?

Oh, God.

If I knew I was going to lose that argument,

I would've let him sleep.

Oh, Meryl, I've never seen him this upset before.

He said that he doesn't know how he fits into this family.

Mmm. Well, he does kind of stick out‐‐

Jew, Jew, him, Jew.

Oh, I've got such a headache.

He wants to fit in.

I mean, it'd be different if you were married or even engaged.

What, are you working for my mother?

Riley and I discussed it.

We don't want to rush into anything.

I'm just going to have to tell the kids

that they have to start listening to him, that's all.

What's wrong?

Oh, those pills, they tasted a little like liver.

What's the expiration date on that? I can't read it.

Fran, these are canine tranquilizers.

Oh, no. Those are Esther's doggie downers?

Oh.

I'm not going to worry about it.

She's only 3 1/2 pounds.

I mean, it's highly unlikely that I'm going to get a reaction.

Oy.

You better call Riley.

I got your message. What happened? How is she?

Well, she got a headache, and she thought she took aspirin,

but she wasn't wearing her glasses

because she couldn't remember where she hid them.

She wears glasses?

No.

The point is, she took these.

Oh, no. The doggy downers?

Yeah. I called the doctor,

and he said she'd be ok once she slept it off.

Fran, are you ok?

Gee, you're handsome.

But, you know, I have a boyfriend that I love very, very much.

That's why I told him that I was one year younger than I am.

Shh.

Franny, baby?

Okay, 2 years.

Riley, are you going to be okay?

Because I left my daughter to baby‐sit the little one,

and now I got to go home

and pull her boyfriend's tongue out of her mouth.

Bye, Cassie.

Heh heh.

All right, come on.

Let's get you upstairs.

Okay. (mutters)

I was almost arrested.

What?

What happened?

You know, that car that I got that was such a steal?

That's because it was a stolen car.

I should've known I couldn't get a '68 Mustang

for bar mitzvah money.

Oh, that's okay. I only gave you half the money.

The rest we invested in macrosoft.

You mean Microsoft?

You wish.

Is she okay?

Yes. She just took some doggy downers.

(laughs)

She wasn't wearing her glasses.

So, she does wear glasses.

No.

All right, let's get you back to the couch, babe.

Okay. Hee hee hee hee!

All right, I'm going to lay you here.

Oh, no, we can't.

Josh walked in on me and Ted once when he was 11,

and he never got any taller.

Babe...

I meant I'm going to lay you down on the couch

while Josh and I talk.

Oh, that's so sweet to talk to him

when he hates you.

Mom!

Babe, just relax, okay? Mmm.

Take a little nap.

I don't hate you, Riley.

Yes, you do.

Look, I had just dropped out of medical school,

and I knew my mom had made some changes,

but I didn't expect to find‐‐

The himbo doing the mommy limbo?

Riley, you got to believe me.

It is much catchier when you hear it sung.

And thanks, Mom.

I just don't think your mom's home right now.

Oh, I'll go get her.

Give me a hand, would you?

Hey, honey? Come up, now.

Sit up. There you go.

Where'd the floor come from?

Hey, Josh, how about we find you another car?

I'll take you where I got my truck.

I can even lend you the down payment.

Really? You'd do that for me, Riley?

Sure.

Well, thanks.

But I think I'm actually going to borrow the money from my dad.

That way if I can't pay him back‐‐

well, he already thinks I'm a loser,

and you and I have to live together.

(laughs)

Oh, now, you see?

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay.

And for the record,

I wasn't 11, I was 16,

and you told me it was just a dream.

Uhh!

You're not going to believe this.

I couldn't go to the movie,

because dad had an emergency surgery to perform.

You know, I was married to your father.

Nothing good came out of it.

Ohh. Hello?

She doesn't mean you, Allison.

She took some dog pills by accident.

Fine. Well, I'm going to call Becca,

ask if her dad will take us to see Ghost Lover.

Oh, that's ok. I'll drive you.

Allison, you're not going to the movie.

What? My dad was fine with it.

Well, your dad's not here right now,

and I'm saying no.

Can you do that?

I think I just did.

Mommy...

Let this be a lesson to you.

Your father will always flake out,

but Riley will be here to tell you you can't go.

So, we're straight? No movie?

You're not my father. Why do you even care?

Just 'cause I do, ok?

Just 'cause he does.

Fine. You know what?

My mother is divorced.

She's dating a guy half her age.

She's popping pills,

and you're worried a cartoon's going to mess me up?

Have a good night.

You know, she has a point.

Hey, Riley, I'm going to a concert on Friday

with Becca and her parents, if that's all right with you,

o' great master and commander of 1342 Willow Glen Circle.

Sure, as long as I can talk to them first.

So it shall be done, mighty, mighty pharaoh.

Later, Lassie.

(laughs)

Well, you two seem to be getting along.

I should get doped up more often.

Oh, look, Mom's awake.

Yes, she is.

Yes, she is.

We got to hit the road, Riley.

I found a white cabriolet convertible.

Oh. Are you living in the dorms this year, Debbie?

See, this is why you're coming with me.

I'll meet you in the truck.

You bet.

Ha ha. Well, look at you,

all smiles,

being part of the family.

You got what you wanted.

Happy anniversary.

Mmm.

I got you something, too, babe.

Ooh!

Will I look sexy wearing it?

I think so.

Glasses.

What's for Christmas, a hearing aid?

How'd you know I needed glasses?

Well, yesterday my orange juice was egg beaters.

Oh.

Then you took doggy downers for your headache.

I figured I'd give you these

before you gargled tidy bowl.

Well, thank you.

How do I look?

Let's just say I'm hot for teacher.

Ha ha ha ha!

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute