Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

Hi.

I smell raspberry.

Ooh, that's your good conditioner.

Somebody's got a date. Josh has got a date.

Who are you going out with?

Can't a guy have freshly scented hair

without getting the third degree?

Well, not when you iron your new chinos.

Who's your new girlfriend?

Mom, stop. It's only our second date.

You're going steady and you didn't even tell me?

Why, Joshie, why?

I think you're answering your own question.

Where'd you meet her? If you don't mind my asking.

Yoga.

Oh, him you tell, but your mother you treat like dirt.

It's no big deal. After class, we started talking,

and today we're meeting for coffee at King Kaffeine.

Nice place. I built their bean display.

So, when do I get to meet this special woman?

Let me think about that. How about never?

But it takes a mother to judge who loves you as much as I do.

Mom, I'm going out on a date with her, not you.

I'm sorry, but I don't need your help.

However...

Will 20 do?

I love you, Mommy.

Joshua met a girl. That's great.

Yeah, it is great.

Hey, why don't you and I go out for coffee?

No, Fran.

Allison, do you think it would be wrong of me

to spy on your brother at the coffee shop?

Maybe a little.

Oh, who asked you? Get in the car.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

(sniffs)

Raspberry.

She is cute.

I know. Whoever thought your brother had so much game?

Oh... my... god.

What is it?

Ok, just bear in mind

there's always that one normal kid in the family

like the one you never saw on The Osbournes.

I'm that kid.

Joshie, what a surprise to see you here!

We were on our way to the‐‐

Oh, just stop it!

So, who's this pretty girl?

Hi. I'm Heather.

Hi, I'm Fran, Josh's mom.

Oh, my god. You look like you could be his sister.

Sadly, that role is taken.

I'm very sorry about this.

You can take our seats

because we uere just leaving.

What's with showing us the gate? We've hardly said hello.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you invite Heather to our house for dinner tonight?

Isn't that great, Allison?

Oh, yes, Mother. Dinner tonight. That would be awesome.

6:00?

Works for me.

See you then.

You were here, like, 10 seconds.

Personal best.

You know, if I said it myself, I'd be bragging.

Your father's half‐Jewish and your mother's half‐Jewish, too?

That makes a whole Jew. It works for me.

Mom. Huh?

3 feet rule.

Josh, your mother's great. I don't know what you were worried about.

Oh, he was a born worrier. When they cut the cord,

he rolled it up so no one would trip.

It's a joke.

Excuse me. Which way to the ladies' room?

Oh, come on, I'll show you.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, I'll tell you, Josh, this Heather is a keeper.

I don't know any guy that wouldn't want her.

And tonight, it wasn't so awful, right?

Well, it wasn't Aunt‐Shirley‐in‐ the‐hot‐tub awful.

I guess every once in a while, you have a good idea.

Oh, I always have good ideas.

And F. Y. I., I begged Aunt Shirly to keep her bathing suit on.

Hey, babe. Sorry I'm so late.

Hi, sweetie.

Guess what? Josh brought home a girl for dinner tonight.

She's upstairs now.

Bringing the lady home, Josh. Classy.

Mom invited her after she accidentally bumped into us on purpose.

Franny.

Oh, here she is now.

Riley?

Heather? Hi!

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Do you guys know each other?

Yeah. We used to date.

(laughs)

So you two dated, huh?

Only like a million years ago.

That's so funny 'cause you don't look a million years old.

So you dated Riley?

Josh talked about his mother and a guy named Riley,

but I didn't put it together. This is amazing!

Totally amazing!

Do you remember that time you ran across the street

from your place to mine in your boxers?

No, you ran across the street in my boxers.

I am so happy I stayed home tonight.

So you dated Riley?

Yes, Josh, that seems to be the news of the day.

You know, I thought I saw Josh get into a truck that looked like yours after yoga.

Oh, does he still hum when he brushes his teeth?

Yes, he does, and how adorable that you should know that.

And does he still tense up right before that last little‐‐

Ah! Tick‐tock, tick‐tock. You're gonna miss the movie.

Watch out, Josh. She talks back at the screen.

Hey, only when it's scary and people are stupid.

Then I'm all like, "Don't go in the basement! He's got a hatchet!"

Bye. Have a good time.

So, to be clear, you dated Riley?

Wow, what a small world. Did you make me a plate?

No. So when exactly did you date this Heather?

A few years ago.

I find it funny that you never mentioned it.

I dated a lot of girls, Fran. I can't remember every one.

Yeah. Except you did tell me

about Susan and Brooke and Jennifer and Jenna and Jenny...

And the one with the nose ring.

Oh, Jen. Right.

But you never‐‐

I'm gonna nip this right here.

Heather and I were no big deal.

Ok, fine.

Mmm.

The thing is... (sighs)

I've been kind of thinking of us

as being the same,

but when I meet somebody that you used to date,

it reminds me that I'm a little more... seasoned?

Honey, you are seasoned just right.

Which reminds me, I'm starved.

I gotta get a bacon cheeseburger.

You want one, babe?

No, I'm good.

You certainly are.

Heh! Ahh!

Now, you see that?

That is what we call a catch.

(sighs) Well...

This was a funny, kind of a crazy coincidence, huh?

A crazy, pretty nauseating coincidence

that Heather hears Josh tell her

about some guy named Riley.

Then next thing you know,

she's dating Josh and hugging Riley in my kitchen.

Are you saying she's just using Josh to get back with Riley?

Well, you know I love your brother like a mother,

but when did you ever know him to snag such a hottie?

True! And did you notice

how she connived her way into having dinner in our house?

Ma, you invited her.

You're right, I did.

Do you see how super sneaky she is?

Mom, don't worry. Heather's not gonna be around that long.

This is Josh we're talking about.

There is no way he's gonna want to keep dating

someone Riley has slept with, like, a thousand times.

Not helping.

And yet... helping.

I'm gonna bet that Josh is ending it with Heather right now.

You know, sweetie, you're right!

He's never gonna want to be with somebody

that Riley's been with.

Josh doesn't even like it when his food touches!

I heard Josh come home early last night.

He must have broken up with her

because I heard him playing Mr. Bojangles on his casio

for, like, an hour.

Oh, I am so glad that I have such a smart daughter

and such a neurotic son.

Is it me or was last night a weird night?

I don't want to over‐think it, but it was weird, right?

It was definitely weird.

Well, honey, better times ahead.

So Heather and I were at the movies, right,

and all I could think about were her and Riley in each others' boxers.

Let's not think about that.

And then I had an epiphany. Oh.

She chose me‐‐ a completely different type‐‐"dark,

passionate, intense..."

I'm quoting now.

So, wait a minute. What are you saying?

You didn't break up with her?

Are you kidding? She's a great girl.

I want her in my life.

And she wants this "brooding poet" in hers.

Quoting again.

Sorry, I was wrong. I am only 15.

I know, honey, but I expect more from you.

(knock on door)

Hey, it's Heather!

What's she doing here?

We're picnicking.

Hi.

Fran, it's so nice to see you again.

How's Riley?

Not here.

Our picnic basket's in the basement

probably next to my javelin.

Yep. I did track for a while.

Heather, come on, let's sit down here and talk,

just us girls. Ok.

So you like my son Josh, huh?

Oh, he's wonderful and he's so much fun.

Last night at the movies, he was‐‐

Yeah, brooding poet. Yada yada.

You and Riley, God! How did you two meet?

Oh, it's a funny story.

So it was raining and I got locked out of my apartment

and he was such a good neighbor,

he helped me break into my bedroom window.

So I got him a towel and we slept together.

Well, it sounds like your super

really missed a golden opportunity there.

You know, I guess I kind of hurried things along because I was a virgin.

I was eager to get it over with, and I'm so glad my first time was with Riley.

Oh, and he also fixed my window.

All I said was, "How'd you meet?"

Hey, Heather, how are you?

If it isn't the good neighbor.

I was just telling Fran about how we first met.

And what a fascinating tale it was.

Josh, how long does it take to find a damn picnic basket?!

Hey, you two should come out with us tonight to this club that I know.

Oh, you know, I think actually we're busy.

Well, it's gonna be really good.

They play all the old classics from the nineties.

I love oldies.

Music, babe.

So, are you in?

Well, actually, Heather,

I have a little bit of a headache.

Well, then Riley could just go with us.

I'll take some aspirin.

Picnic, milady?

Josh, guess what? We're all double‐ dating tonight.

I was in the basement for less than one minute.

How do you do it?

Heather wants you back.

She what?!

I had my suspicions,

but when I found out that you took her virginity,

well, that's all I needed to know.

Really? She didn't tell me that.

Guess it's kind of a big deal.

Yes, it's a big deal.

Do you remember your first car?

'77 Chevy Camaro.

355 big block.

Well, that's how women remember their first time.

You were her big block.

And now she wants you back,

and that's why she's dating Josh.

You could be over‐thinking this, babe.

No, I'm not. A woman never forgets her first time.

I married mine, and it took 21 years

and the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, and Cohen

to forget him!

And he was a jackass!

Francine, don't you think I'd know if she wanted me back?

No, no, no, no, no.

Ok. If she wanted me back so bad,

why did she invite both of us to go out with her and Josh?

Because she wants you to see her at a club,

all dancing and glistening.

Remember in the beginning when I would come in from jogging,

all glistening just so?

That was fake?

Who jogs in leather pants and a tube top?!

(music playing)

Ahh!

How great is this?

I'll bet you there's no one else in this bar

whose girlfriend, mother, lover, and ex

are having this much fun.

I'm not having that much fun.

Just wait until she gets a few drinks in her.

Then you'll see how right I am.

Whoo! I better slow down.

I get a little goofy when I drink too much.

Ok, Josh, come on. Let's go to the restroom.

Why? Because we both have to make.

You two can reminisce about the good old days.

Fran, don't do this.

What? I'm just going to the ladies' room with my son.

Mom, I don't have to make.

Neither do I. I just wanted to leave them alone

so that Heather could hit on Riley.

Uh... I'm not sure how to take that.

Sweetie, it pains me to tell you this,

but Heather is just using you to get back with Riley,

and I have to prove it to him because he doesn't realize

just how devious a woman can be.

Now can you see why I have to screen all of your dates?

No. Now I see why people don't double‐date with their mothers.

Wait. Hold it! Ohh.

Another stupid man.

Heather, would you like to bust a move?

Well, I would love to bust a move.

So? So, what happened?

Absolutely nothing.

I told you, Heather and I were no big deal.

Can we just dance and forget all this nonsense?

I was wrong? I'm never wrong.

I know women. I am a woman.

(music playing)

♪♪♪

Dip me!

It's not that kind of song, babe.

Dip me, dip me!

Did you see that tattoo?

What tattoo?

"Riley." Yeah, I'm listening.

No. Her tattoo said "Riley." Come on.

♪♪♪

So no big deal, huh?

That woman burned your name in her flesh!

She wants her Riley back!

Hey, guys, did you see my robot?

Yeah, we saw a lot of things.

Heather, would you do me a favor and lift up your shirt?

Ma! No, it's cool.

The back, sweetie.

I'm sorry. Apparently my mother has had one too many‐‐

why is that there?

Oh, 'cause I didn't have room on my shoulder.

Look, there's Bill and Al and Joe,

and Carl and Jorge and Bart.

See, a few years ago I decided to do a living scrapbook

of some of the guys that I've known.

You couldn't have just collected matchbooks

from the restaurants they took you to?

I know some people find it kind of weird.

They do?

Well, I'm saving a spot on my ankle for you, Josh.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, look, a bar. They'll have alcohol.

I'm thinking he's one of the people

that finds it kind of strange.

Heather, I want you to look me straight in the eye

and you tell me that you don't want Riley back.

No way! Do I look like a one‐guy girl?

Eh, well, no, not really.

Right. I'm a free spirit.

Oh. (laughs nervously)

You know, I'm very flattered,

but I promised Josh that I wouldn't stick my nose into his business.

(sighs)

Wow. This certainly is an odd evening, isn't it?

Gee, I think that we should order some pepper poppers.

I hear they're deliciously cheesy.

What?

I think somebody should admit she was wrong.

Ok, ok. I was... What you said.

Wrong.

Fine. I was wrong and you were right.

And I happen to be seasoned enough

to be able to admit it.

I can also make it up to you.

What do you think

about me putting Riley on my backside?

Honey, you don't have to get a tattoo.

Who said anything about a tattoo?

Don't worry, Josh.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Yes.

Hi. Would you like to dance?

Me? Sure.

Brenda, dental technician, 25,

and she also lives with her mother.

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute