Original subtitles

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

SEASON VII EPISODE 5

Hello, there ! Well, well, well...

This is weird, isn't it ? This is definitely weird.

As you can clearly tell,

this is not going to be our usual show for this week.

For a start, there is no audience,

and also, we're not even in our usual studio.

Partly 'cause we do like to shake things up a bit whenever we can

and also partly because our actual studio might be full of coronavirus.

I'm actually serious about that.

Both the place where we normally tape on Sunday

and our office building had confirmed cases of coronavirus.

So, our staff has been working from home

and we're currently taping this somewhere else

with a very limited crew on this white void set

that kind of looks like the place movie characters go when they've just died

or where they shot the Kars-For-Kids commercial.

Very much, by the way, the coronavirus of commercials,

in that it is horrifically infectious and ruins people's lives.

We're not the only ones who've had to make big adjustments to our lives.

This was the week that the coronavirus, for many people here in the U.S.,

seemed to go from an abstraction to a very real threat.

And maybe the best sign of just how fast it all happened came,

as it always seems to, from Rudy Gobert of the Utah Jazz.

The Utah Jazz basketball team will be quarantined in Oklahoma City

for the foreseeable future, that according to ESPN.

Before the game, Rudy Gobert spoke to the Utah media,

joking about possibly being sick and then did this.

Making a point to touch every microphone and recorder.

Hours later, we got the news that he test positive for the coronavirus.

Yeah, of course he fucking did ! Nice work there, Rudy !

I would say that that feels too stupid to actually be real,

but let's try and remember that this is also the timeline

in which the official White House Twitter account once tweeted:

"First snow of the year !" on a 63-degree day,

on which, and this is true, it did not snow.

So, honestly in many ways,

what Rudy Gobert did was actually just stupid enough.

Now, that happened on Monday and things spiraled from there.

America's major sports were suspended, as was hockey.

March Madness was canceled,

and as if that weren't enough, Rita Wilson and her husband Tom,

hashtag #Feminism,

announced that they had tested positive for the coronavirus.

We've also learned political figures from all over have tested positive,

including an Iranian vice president, a U.K. health minister

and the mayor of Miami.

And that is just at the time that we are taping this.

We are in the midst of a rapidly-escalating outbreak

and it's very difficult to say exactly where things stand.

Especially because, despite Trump repeatedly claiming otherwise,

tests for this virus are still not available,

in most places, to those who need them.

Which means that we can't yet properly track the virus

or know how quickly it is spreading.

And that is not only catastrophic

because we're having to fly blind in fighting this pandemic,

it's also deeply frustrating.

Especially when you see how quickly other countries like South Korea

ramped up their testing capabilities.

And that is part of the reason why it was actually refreshing

to hear the top U.S. official on infectious diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci,

say this about our current testing system.

The system is not really geared to what we need right now.

- That is a failing. - A failing ? Yes.

Yeah, it is a failing. Let's admit it. The idea of anybody getting it easily,

the way people in other country are doing it, we're not set up for that.

Do I think we should be ? Yes. But we're not.

No, we are not.

And incidentally, if you find yourself really appreciating how calm,

knowledgeable, and thorough Fauci is,

you're frankly not alone on that !

He has been a rare source of clarity in the Trump administration's response.

You should know, he is the nation's leading infectious disease expert.

Is he my favorite infectious disease expert ? No, of course he isn't.

Because that would be Salvador Mazza.

And it is amazing that for a man

who studied infectious diseases his whole life,

the only thing he ever came down with

was a deadly case of bedroom eyes.

Salvador, stop it !

Fauci is in a tough position right now.

He has to balance the task of communicating real, honest science

with this administration's aversion to every one of those words.

But so far, he seems to be doing a good job.

The same, unfortunately, cannot be said about Trump,

who attempted to reassure the nation with a sedated Oval Office speech

which was a complete mess.

Despite the fact he was reading from a prepared statement,

he managed to mistakenly claim that imports from Europe were being cut off,

which they were not,

that insurers would waive co-pays not just for testing,

but for treatment, which at present they won't.

And he seemed to imply that Americans in Europe

could not get back into the country, which they can.

And even he didn't seem entirely satisfied with his performance.

The moment the speech was over, this was his actual reaction.

- We're clear. - Okay ? Okaaaay.

Yup. And that is the "Okaaaay"

of a man who has just completed yet another substandard job

after refusing to put in even the slightest bit of effort.

She knows what I'm talking about.

She definitely knows what I'm talking about.

This joke is landing so hard with her right now.

And for the following days, Trump seemed to be doing his very best

to try and minimize the impact of this crisis,

often with a particular focus on shoring up the stock market,

a dynamic perhaps best encapsulated by this exchange with a reporter.

The markets are going to be just fine.

Why do you say that ? They're tanking.

I hate it when the president lies as much as the next guy,

but why would you ask him: "Why do you say that ?"

Because the answer to that is always: it's just what he does !

Asking Trump why he says things are fine when they're obviously not

is like asking the wind why it whispers

or why the old redwood tree grows so tall,

or why this corgi is so thicc.

That's just nature, baby. It is what it is.

But again, nothing is fine here. The president's response has, sadly,

been characterized by disorganization and lies.

And the all time low, so far,

came in his Rose Garden press conference on Friday.

If you saw news coverage after the fact,

you may have seen he declared a national emergency.

Which is good.

If that's all you saw of the conference you might've been reassured.

But, if you watched the whole event,

there was a lot there that was pretty concerning.

'Cause Trump also, inexplicably, felt it important to bring up

a series of CEOs whose companies were promising

to help increase our testing capability

and who absolutely did not need to be there.

Especially because for some reason, Trump defied every health protocol

by shaking their hands, patting their backs

and touching the microphone at least 31 times,

despite the fact he'd been exposed to people with the virus himself

last weekend at Mar-a-Lago, where a growing number of guests

have since tested positive.

Which, by the way, is the rare instance of the word "positive"

being associated with any experience at Mar-a-Lago.

But perhaps the most emblematic response

was when he was asked about the country's disastrous lag in testing

and said: "I don't take responsibility at all."

and then had this exchange with a reporter.

You said that you don't take responsibility,

but you did disband the White House Pandemic Office

and the officials in that office left this administration abruptly.

So, what responsibility do you take to that ?

The officials in that office said

that the White House lost time because that office was disbanded.

What do you make of that ?

I think it's a nasty question. When you say "me," I didn't do it.

We have a group of people... I could ask, perhaps...

I could perhaps ask Tony about that,

because I don't know anything about it.

You say we did that...

You don't know about the reorganization at the National Security Council ?

It's the administration. Perhaps they do that !

People let people go. You used to be with a different newspaper than now.

Okay, please, go ahead. We're doing a great job.

Perfect. "I didn't do it. I don't know anything about it."

"Maybe someone in the administration did it. Maybe Tony did it."

"These things happen. I don't know," again, "We're doing a great job."

That is reminiscent of Truman's famous saying:

"The buck stops... somewhere over there, maybe ?"

Tony ? Tony, you stop that buck ?

Tony probably stopped it. I don't know, lady, I just work here.

That is a level of dodging responsibility

that Trump has been perfecting ever since he was very much not in Vietnam.

It feels important to point out that one of the marquee announcements

was the president's claim that Google was building a website

that would direct people to drive-through testing facilities,

which sounds fantastic.

But, you should know, Google quickly clarified

the site "is in the early stages of development"

with plans to roll out testing in the Bay Area,

and maybe expand it more broadly over time.

So, in terms of immediate help, that website is about as effective

as going to IsThisACat-dot-com.

If you're not familiar with this website,

you can simply upload a photo and it will tell you with a yes or no

if the thing you're looking at is a cat or not.

See that ? The website knows it's a cat.

When I uploaded a picture of a dog, the website says "no."

That's how you know it's a good website.

Will it tell where the drive-through testing locations are ?

No, it won't. But for the time being,

neither will Trump's Google thing, so you might as well spend your time

looking at things that are and are not cats.

This is clearly both frustrating and extremely unnerving.

And it is contributing to a sense of confusion in the country at the moment.

At this point,

it might really be best for us to put the president aside.

There is going to be ample time to be utterly furious with him later.

But the fact is, even though this should not be the case,

it seems we're gonna be a little bit on our own here.

And because of that, it might be worth going over some basic rules

that health experts say we should all absolutely be following

to help stem this outbreak.

Individuals have been doing their best to spread good information online,

including a number of social-media celebrities on TikTok,

none more delightful than this one.

I mean that is excellent.

That TikTok hamster is now my favorite thing in the world.

I fully understand I have a wife and two children.

I'll say it again: that TikTok hamster is my favorite thing in the world.

And it is truly sad that a hamster just genuinely offered

more useful public-health advice in one 12-second TikTok

than the president has in multiple addresses to the nation.

Let's go over what that very wise ball of fluff was just telling us.

First: wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.

That's really good advice. It's basically the time it takes

to sing "Happy Birthday" to Oprah twice.

So, it's time well-spent. Second...

Make sure you cough and sneeze into a tissue, your elbow

or your upper sleeve, not your hand.

And disinfect frequently touched surfaces daily.

Third: wear masks only if you have symptoms or you are a caregiver,

as it is important that there are enough of these masks available

for medical professionals and those with respiratory conditions.

And, finally, stay home,

especially if you're sick, but also if you are not.

That last one is part of what's called "social distancing",

or, as President Trump put it on Twitter with all caps

and no further explanation:

"SOCIAL DISTANCING !" Exclamation mark !

He makes a fine point,

but if I may just expand on that scream-tweet a little,

social distancing is absolutely crucial right now.

The idea is to avoid crowded places, cancel social engagements,

avoid unnecessary travel,

work from home if that is an option for you,

and if you need to buy groceries or use public transit,

try to do it at off-peak times.

Now, obviously, that is not all feasible for everyone,

but if you truly have no choice but to go out,

it is vital to protect yourself and others

by keeping a distance of at least six feet from other people.

Basically, for the time being, pretend you're a British parent

and everyone else in the world is your child.

Keep as much distance as you can, avoid physical contact at all costs

and if any one of them try to give you a hug, reject it.

The reason why social distancing is so important

is because it can help us "flatten the curve".

It's a phrase you've probably heard a lot this week.

What it means is this: slow the spread of the virus

so we don't overwhelm the healthcare system.

We only have so many ventilators and hospital beds.

And if cases spike all at once, they could max out our capacity.

I know that there is a temptation to think: "Hold on, this is America."

"I'm sure we have enough ventilators for even the worst-case scenario".

We don't. We really don't.

So, it is imperative that we spread cases out

over a longer period of time

so that everyone who needs care can get it.

Proper social distancing involves some sacrifice,

but this is a critical thing

that we should all do for the more vulnerable among us

and for healthcare workers who are going to be in the shit

for some time to come.

For an example of what it looks like when you do not flatten the curve,

look to the hardest hit areas of Italy,

where cases have so overwhelmed the system,

doctors have had to make very difficult choices

about who gets potentially life-saving treatment and who doesn't.

In addition to attempting to quell the spread of the virus,

we should also be doing everything that we can

to contain the spread of misinformation

because there is a lot of harmful bullshit flying around.

There's Alex Jones, who suggested that his toothpaste

"kills the whole SARS-corona family at point-blank range".

And it would be great if it did that !

I would love it if his toothpaste did that. But y'know... it doesn't.

There's multiple commentators who've made comparisons to the swine flu,

an illness with a mortality rate at least 50 times lower than this one.

Then there is Geraldo Rivera,

who felt it important to tell Fox viewers this.

If you've got a fever or if you can't hold your breath for 10 seconds.

Everyone should do that. Hold your breath for 10 seconds.

If you can hold your breath for 10 seconds, then you're...

You don't have this disease.

I am guessing you instinctively know this, but:

that's just not true in any way whatsoever.

You can't test for the coronavirus by holding your breath.

I do have a way that Geraldo can test for the coronavirus,

but this will only work for Geraldo and absolutely no one else.

Are you listening, Geraldo ? Okay, hold your breath, like this.

Right ? You doing it ? Now, keep holding it.

Keep holding it, Geraldo. Keep holding that breath, Geraldo.

I know you might be feeling dizzy, about to pass out,

but don't worry, G-Man, that means the test is working.

Keep holding your breath. Do not breathe, Geraldo.

Don't you breathe right now. Your lungs are probably burning,

that means you're disinfecting them, well done.

Keep holding your breath. I will tell you when to let it out.

I'm not gonna tell him to let it out.

The point is, I know that that may seem obviously dumb,

but there is a ton of misinformation, and not all is so obviously bullshit.

Please be careful before forwarding or retweeting stuff

that you do not know to be true.

Our personal actions are going to count here.

Even if you are not worried about getting this virus, other people,

especially the elderly and the immunosuppressed,

simply don't have that luxury.

So, it is a good idea to treat these precautions

like you would a flu shot.

You don't just get a flu shot for you, you get it for everybody else.

We all have a real responsibility to one another right now,

the choices we make in the coming days and weeks

will contribute directly to how bad this crisis gets.

I know that this disruption to your life is annoying.

It's okay to be disappointed or even irritated,

'cause you can't go out or your favorite events were postponed,

or a trip you had planned fell through.

But you've got to get that out of your system.

Let's put 30 seconds on the clock right now,

during which everyone can be selfishly angry

about the things that they didn't want canceled or postponed,

whether it's the NBA suspending its season,

or Disney World being closed,

or the ninth "Fast & Furious" movie being pushed back a year.

It's the one John Cena was gonna be in !

That stings, I'm not gonna say it doesn't.

I'm gonna be spending the next 30 seconds being furious

about the fact that my favorite football team, Liverpool,

were two games away from winning the League championship

before games were suspended, so, let's start the clock, now.

I've waited my entire adult life for this.

They were about to win the title for the first time in 30 years.

They were 25 points ahead of Man City, 25 points !

A historic margin. And you're telling me it could be for nothing ?

Mo Salah deserves to be a Premier League champion.

The coach, J�rgen Klopp, deserves this !

He has specifically pointed out,

that we should not worry about the League now,

we should keep things in perspective,

but that makes me want him to win the title even more.

I want to see the trophy going through the Shankly Gates.

That doesn't make me a bad person ? Okay ?

That's it. We're out of time. It's out of my system now.

It just feels like they should give Liverpool the League title,

'cause they've basically won it.

Okay. I'm done.

It's not like anyone's gonna catch up from the 25-point deficit anyway.

Okay, you're right. Sports are not important right now.

I mean, they're not really important ever,

but they're especially not important now.

I know things are currently very scary.

And things are gonna be weird for a while,

for weeks, and honestly, more likely, months.

And the fact that that is true makes it even more important

that, going forward, we're gonna need to look out for one another

and not just in terms of containing the transmission of this virus,

but also in terms of the economic impact that this is going to have

on people who may well not be able to weather it.

This is going to be an unsettling and potentially lonely time.

So, think about calling older relatives or neighbors,

or just anyone that you know who may be vulnerable,

or feeling isolated.

One small way you can help

is by donating financially to your local food bank.

There is a directory of those at FeedingAmerica-dot-org.

Just to reiterate: try your best, I know it's hard,

but try your best to tune out and not pass on misinformation

from sources like, sadly, the president.

And instead, pay more attention to trustworthy information

from the CDC, experts like Anthony Fauci,

and of course, TikTok hamsters.

Always TikTok hamsters.

Take care of yourself. Take care of each other.

And we will be back in some form, sometime in the future.

And until then, stay safe and goodnight !

We're clear.

Okaaaay. Fuuuck.

END OF EPISODE 5, SEASON VII