All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s08e15_English

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Hey, Baxter.

Working hard
or hardly working?

CHUCK:
Go back to:

"Whazzup!"

MIKE:
You know, I was going through

the company manual
looking for reasons why...

why Joe would be up here.

Yep, nah, nothing there.

I'm sure there's prob...
No, nothing there, either.

Should I go through all the...

Nothing in...
Oh, wait a minute, there it is.

Oh. Yeah. Joe should never be
up in the office.

It doesn't say that.

Oh, oh, oh, there she is!

Lay it on me.

What's the theme
for the chili contest this year?

-Why did I take the stairs?
-(chuckles)

You know, when she's older,
I'm gonna have her piggyback me

for nine months-- ha--
see how she likes it.

All due respect,

she's not due
for another few weeks.

The chili contest is now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You'll have to let it go.
He's a novice.

He hasn't won it four times,
you know?

When you win it that many times,

you realize the contest
actually... comes to you.

He may be a novice,
but as I recall...

Chuck won the Golden Apron
last year.

(gasps)
Wait a minute, Joe.

If I won last year,

why-why, that would mean
that Baxter lost.

Oh-ho-ho!

Which is something

he's gonna have to live with
for the rest of his life.

Yeah? Yeah?

Those judges all reeked
of bourbon.

Everybody thought
that your chili

tasted like bad meat
just drenched in ketchup.

-(gags)
-Sorry.

KRISTIN:
Okay. Okay.

Uh, the twist for this year is:

all of the chili needs to be
Asian-influenced.

-Oh.
-I love these twists.

Ah. When I won my, uh, second--
or was it third?--

maybe the fourth time I won,

we had to use pork shoulder.

So my kitchen just had
that delicate aroma

of boiled tomatoes
and pulled pork shank.

(gags)

*

Hey, Jen.
What are you up to?

Uh, studying
for my AP History exam.

Boy, that Genghis Khan,

-what a Grumpy Gus.
-(chuckles): Yeah.

And a Pillaging Pete.

Well, I'm sure you'll do well.

You actually excel at anything
you put your mind to.

What do you want?

Chili cook-off is coming up,
and it's an Asian theme.

And I was thinking--

remember the other night
you gave us that Chinese dish

with that unbelievably good
smoked pork?

I wonder if you could just
give me the recipe for that?

You mean my family's recipe

that we've kept secret
for 200 years?

Give it to me.

Interesting.

You need some information

and I happen to have
said information.

(exhales)

Maybe we could come up with a...

mutually beneficial transaction?

A little, uh...

quid pro ro, if you will.

Ro is Chinese for meat.

I wonder what Chinese is

for "get your feet
off the damn table."

Okay, the National Spelling Bee
is on this whole week,

and I need to record it
on your DVR. Deal?

Quid pro no.

I just have the one DVR,
and it's full.

Full of old stuff.
Who the heck is Matlock,

and why do you need
20 hours of him?

He's the best
country lawyer ever,

and he's dead, and they're
not making any more like him.

Well...

good luck in your...

Tournament of Meat, or whatever.

All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

-(squeals)
-Goodbye, Matlock.

Nobody looked better

in a seersucker powder blue suit
than you.

I don't know
what it is about tapas,

but it is the only thing
this baby doesn't toss back up.

Well, that is
because it's delicious.

Or, as they would thay
in Barthelona,

delith-ioth.

Mom, that accent is so good
I can feel it.

I'm sorry.

You know, I just... I just love
our weekly get-togethers.

You know,
what we need is more...

thangria.

-Mom's the best.
-She's the greatest.

We have to stop
these weekly lunches.

I know. I mean,
I love Mom's sangria dance

as much as anyone else,
but every week?

I'm swamped with work right now.

Me too. And I'm pregnant.
I should be spending

all of my free time
in a bathtub.

So, wait, what are we gonna do?

KRISTIN:
I have an idea.

-Uh, just play along.
-No, no. But I don't know

what you're doing--
I'm not good at this.

Guys, guys, guys, uh, is it me,

or does our waiter look
just like Antonio Banderas?

It's the sangria goggles. Mm.

Uh, hey, Mom,
Mandy and I were just talking

-about how much we love
these weekly lunches.
-Oh...

She was talking.
I was just playing along.

But, uh...
(chuckles)

...sadly, there are two people
who feel left out.

Really? Who?

Ryan and Kyle.

-Hmm.
-They really miss seeing you.

I-I bet they would love
to have lunch with you, too.

Yes. That's it.
I love this now.

Well, that is...
That is really sweet, Kris.

Why don't you guys
bring 'em along next time?

-No.
-What she means is,

uh, no...

they should have you
all to themselves.

That's what I mean 100%.

Oh, I see. Um, okay.

Well, you know, next time
it'll just be me and the boys.

KRISTIN:
Cool.

(chuckles)
Oh, grathiath, Antonio.

(laughs)

* Sangria! *

Get 'em while they're hot.
And they are hot.

I like to call this Baxter's
Chili Chili Bang Bang.

Hmm. All right.

-Here we go. Thank you.
-Buh, buh, buh, buh!

Just one per customer,

just enough to haunt you
in your dreams,

-get you begging for more.
-Okay.

Just settle down, Mike.

This is chili, not Sophia Loren,
all right?

For God's sake.
Huh, what's the big deal?

It's just... just a...

Damn!

Oh-ho-hoo!

This is Sophia Loren
and Gina Lollobrigida.

Yes, sir. Mmm.

All swirled together
in one tiny cup.

Oh, boy, that's good.
Boy, that's good.

But it's more...

Margaret Thatcher
and Madame Curie.

I like 'em tough and brainy,
you know?

What are you up to
with these samples, Baxter?

Well, I made too much
last night.

I wasn't gonna throw it out.

I mean, would Michelangelo
toss it away if he sculpted

too much David?

I've seen that statue, Mikey.

Believe me, he did not
sculpt too much.

- Give it a shot.
-Mm-hmm.

See what it tastes like

when you don't get your recipe

off the back of
a ketchup bottle.

Hey, hey, don't knock ketchup.

In a pinch, it makes
a great hair gel.

You know what I say
about this, Baxter?

Here it comes.

-It's fantastic!
-Yeah.

What? Don't mock me
with your praise.

I will not be praise-mocked.

No, no... no, no, I'm serious.
This time, you...

you really brought your A game.

Yeah. The only thing that would
make this more delicious is

-watching you go down in flames.
-Mm.

Unfortunately,
that is not gonna happen.

-Oh, yeah, I think it will.
-Because I'm dropping out.

Oh, yeah. What?

This chili made you drop out?

I should send this
to Bernie Sanders.

What do you mean you're
dropping out? You can't quit.

I'm not.
I'm retiring as champion.

-Wh-what?
-And to tell you the truth,

I only stayed in this long
to, you know,

motivate you to raise your game.

You know what you remind me of
is old canned chili.

Gassy and full of beans.

-Hey, you got to admit,
Baxter, it worked.
-What?

Last year's chili was... meh.

But this is meh-nificent.

The only reason you're
dropping out

is you don't think
you can beat me.

-(scoffs)
-You know... you know,

you're what
I would never put in chili.

-Hmm?
-Chicken. (clucking)

Why are you so upset?

With me out,
you're a slam dunk to win.

You kn-you know...
you remember when Frazier quit?

Ali only had to fight
Trevor Berbick.

Who cares if you beat a dude

named Trevor?

-I don't care what you say,
I'm done.
-No, you're not done.

-No, no, no.
And unlike the champ...
-No, no, no.

...I'm going out on top.

I don't buy it.
You're not a quitter.

He's not a quitter.
He doesn't quit.

Except golf.
He should quit that.

Hey, I-I got a question.

If it's hot...

why do they call it chili?

You're a deep thinker, Joe.

Probably why you're such
good friends with Chuck.

Oh, yeah, we're really close.

In fact, he doesn't know it,

but he's godfather to my cats.

That's why I'm gonna
have you do something

no one would suspect.

I'm gonna have you gather
some intelligence.

Okay.

And while you're at it,
gather some for yourself.

-This place is great.
-Yeah.

And the gazpacho was,

to quote my favorite
mother-in-law,

(singsongy):
"delith-ioth."

Well, I am glad you enjoyed it.

You know, what a great idea
the girls had, huh?

Yeah. Turns out I love tapas.
I'm so relieved.

I thought Mandy said,
"Mom wants to take you and Ryan

to a... topless bar."

And yet you showed up.

So, Ryan... talk.

Uh, well, it is really nice
getting out of the house.

-Kris has been a little...
-Oh, hey, dude,

it's not polite
to complain about your wife

to her mother.

Have you even read Emily Post?

No, no, no, no, no.
That's okay, Kyle.

Look, I raised Kristin,

so I know exactly what
Ryan's dealing with.

-You-you dish, girlfriend.
-(Ryan exhales)

Okay, it's just... the mornings
are particularly hard.

You know, Kris can be just...

-A total monster? Yeah, yeah.
-Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She needs an hour

before she becomes
a human being again.

-Yes.
-I know.

I finally feel heard.

You know, Mike and I used
to have a nickname for her

when she was a girl.

We called her "Partly Cloudy."

(laughter)

Why?

Well, because it would take
forever for the sun to come out.

KYLE (laughing):
Oh.

-(laughing): Yeah.
-Oh, Emily Post is wrong.

Gossiping is a hoot.

Do Mandy now.

-Oh, yeah.
-Of course.

Ah, ooh. But first...

ALL:
* Sangria! *

Greetings, my good sir.

What's with the old-timey talk?

Oh, it's just something
I'm experimenting with.

I always felt I was meant
to live in a bygone era.

Probably, 'cause you sure
weren't meant for this one.

Hey, be nice to me.
I got your intel.

Or as the French call it,
"information."

No, they don't.

So, what's going on?
I-I suspect

he's working on a secret recipe.
Is that what it is?

No. No, he's definitely
out of it. I've confirmed it.

-Well, what's he doing?
-Look, I don't want

to betray Chuck's confidence,
okay?

I mean, who's gonna take care
of my cats when I'm gone?

Joe, they're cats.

They're all just counting
the minutes until we die.

Spill it.

Okay, okay. A couple of months
ago, Chuck had an angioplasty.

Really?

Well, why didn't he say that?

Oh, I don't know. Why
do you think, Mr. "Bwok-bwok"?

Luckily, it was just
a partial blockage,

and he's just
gonna change his diet.

So certainly no more
of his great double-meat chili

with all that bacon
and nacho cheese in it, huh?

Apparently.
I guess that's bad for you, huh?

Oh, it's bad for you.

You know how I know?

'Cause it's delicious.

You know, his dad died
of heart disease.

-Yeah, I know.
-Yeah.

But, hey, Chuck's making
some changes to his lifestyle.

He's gonna live
a healthier life.

You look a little nauseous.

It's not nausea.

It's-it's... it's worse.

It's... empathy.

So Chuck didn't say anything
to you about this heart problem?

Yeah, well, to be honest,
I'm not quite sure.

You know, my hearing's
not as good as it used to be.

I just hope if he did, I didn't
say, "Great story!" Yeah.

Hey, we having a drink
before we head home?

Yeah, we were just talking
about it. Do you want, uh,

some carrot juice or just
the hot water with lemon in it?

Oh.
Joe told you?

Yeah. Damn it, when were you
gonna say something?

I was just waiting for a time

when I was in the mood
to be savagely mocked.

Really? You think I'd make fun
of something this serious?

Right. Right.

This isn't like my golf game

or my turtleneck sweaters

or the hundred other things
you ride me about.

This is about mortality, Mike.
This is about

me coming to grips with the idea
that I could die.

Great story!

Ed, lean in a little closer.

So after the procedure,
are you okay now?

Oh, yeah, and I plan
on staying that way.

I'm eating better,
getting exercise. I feel great.

Good for you.

Who cares if anyone mocks you?

Yeah, you know, three nights
a week, Bonnie and I go vegan.

So three nights a week,
you don't eat anything?

(laughs)
What about you, Baxter?

What are you doing
to-to fend off the Grim Reaper?

I don't think of death
as the Grim Reaper.

I think of death as a for-sure
way of keeping me from dancing.

Come on, Mikey.

Chuck and I are opening up.
Show us you're human.

Okay. Get this.

-I've started meditating.
-ED: Oh.

(singsongy):
Mike Baxter meditates!

(laughing)

(singsongy):
He also owns a gun store.

-Okay.
-(laughs)

Why can't you still be
in the contest

and just not eat that stuff?

No way, man. When I started
making my test batch, it hit me.

(laughs) This does not fit
into my new lifestyle.

I wish it could.

You know, there are plenty
of vegan chili recipes. Yeah.

Yeah. Bonnie just made one
the other night.

Our dog loved it.

You can't make a healthy chili

that can compete with the kind
that will kill you.

You can't.

What are you saying, Baxter?

I'm saying, the next best thing

to whipping your butt
in a competition

is dragging you with me
into the winner's circle.

Oh. Hey, it's my girls.
(laughs)

What a nice surprise.

Oh, this beautiful day
just got better.

Really, Mom?
Is it a beautiful day? (laughs)

You sure it's not partly cloudy?

Yeah, with a chance
of Princess Poopy Pants?

Sorry, but my nickname
doesn't have a weather theme.

I see.
You are upset

because I shared some childhood
nicknames with your husbands.

Yeah. Nicknames that probably
should have stayed

within the family, Mom.

So Kyle and Ryan aren't family?

No. They are just two guys
with strong genes

we dragged home to mate with.
It's science.

Yeah, they're in-laws.

We're... laws.

All right, well, I'm sorry.

I will try to be less gabby
with your husbands

the next time
you both want to ditch me.

What?

Mom, no.
God, we would never ditch you.

Yeah, especially if we knew
we were gonna get caught.

Look, Mom, I'm really sorry,

but we're both
really busy right now.

Well, that's fine.

You know what?
You could have just told me.

We don't have
to have lunch every week.

You're not gonna
hurt my feelings.

We're all adults here.

Even you, Princess Poopy Pants.

Okay, well, in that case,
I-I can't do lunch next week,

and the week after is iffy.

Yeah, same. I'm just...
I'm really swamped.

Okay. Okay.
Well, you know what?

Thanks for telling me. See?

(laughs)
It didn't kill me.

But... but I am wounded.

Because, you know,

I'm only the woman who...

gave you both life.

There she goes.

BOTH:
Melodramatic Martha.

-Hey.
-Uh.

Sorry I'm late.
I was watching TV.

You were right.
Matlock is great!

(imitating Matlock):
"I'd sooner eat a live chicken

than be your lawyer!"

"The Debt," season seven.

(laughs)
Is the contest over?

-Who won?
-I don't know.
-Oh, uh,

Kristin's, uh,
tallying up the votes right now,

but to tell you the truth,
I think

Baxter and I have a pretty good
chance of winning this thing.

-You're working together?
-Yeah.

What the ding-dang-dog
is going on here?

-You've had enough Matlock.
-Yeah, it-it was actually

-Baxter's idea
for us to work together.
-Yeah.

We came up with one
amazing batch, which we call

-"Chili Chili Bwok Bwok."
-That's right.

-Okay, everyone.
-All right.

The results
for the chili contest are in,

and the winner is...

Oh, God,
so much pork in the air.

Uh...

Joe Leonard and his
Seven-Meat Chili.

-JOE: Hey.
-What?

Yeah.

-Oh, thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Well, put my leg
in a tea kettle.

Justice has not been served.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

If I won,
that means you two lost,

which is... something
you'll have to live with

for the rest of your lives.

How the hell did you win this?

Yeah, the only thing you know
how to make is cat food.

-And tell me
that's not the seventh meat.
-No, no.

I just wrote down all the foods
people shouldn't eat,

and I put it in the pot.

-What about the Asian theme?
-Yeah.

I threw in some
of my old soy sauce packets.

Uh, some of them from the '90s.

The name "Chun King"
ring a bell? (laughs)

Hold on, everyone.

Uh, since I currently
find pork disgusting,

I am offering a spot on the menu
for a healthier option.

Congratulations,
Mike Baxter and Chuck Larabee.

-Hey. Yes!
-(applause)

Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to go outside

and vomit into a bush.

Looks like we're both winners.

Yeah, man.

I know I say "not cool" a lot,

-but cool.
-(laughs)

-Thanks for doing this
with me, Baxter.
-Yeah.

I mean... you got a good heart.

Nah. I got
to be honest with you.

I actually physically
do not have a heart.

That's why I can eat
whatever I want to eat.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

where we don't just sell gear.

We sell a way of life.

And you know the one thing
you need more than anything

to enjoy our outdoor way
of life?

Life.

Yep, if you're dead,

you just won't appreciate all
the cool stuff we have to offer.

Or the amazing discounts.

The only good thing
about death--

you don't got to pay taxes.
(laughs)

Well, I guess you actually do.

There's the death tax,
isn't there?

Damn it. Some of the things
that make life worth living

can actually make our lives
a little or a lot shorter.

For each of these things, you
got to decide, is it worth it?

Now, sure, riding a motorcycle
without a helmet

is a lot more fun
than squeezing your nugget

into a carbon fiber bucket.

Full helmet like the Wild Hogs,

or wind blowing
through your hair,

going full Captain America
in Easy Rider.

Ooh. Good choice,
but I like 'em both.

But then, you split lanes,

and the old lady in
the Oldsmobile Delta 88 decides

to change lanes, too.

You go over the handlebars.
You're thinking,

"You know what would be fun
right now is that helmet!"

You get older, you're forced
to give up more and more.

Your doctor.
Remember those doctors you'd...

actually smoke with you?
"You know, Bob..." (coughs)

"...you should give up
these lung darts. Wow."

You roll out of bed
one morning.

Your knees tell you to retire
from the annual 5K race.

And finally, finally,
they come for a man's grub.

When did kale get a publicist?

They come for our belly-busted
food, comfort food.

The German philosopher
Friedrich Nietzsche said,

"Time is a flat circle."

He believed time was
an endless loop like this,

a repetition.
(laughs)

Freddy, as I like to call him,
died at 55.

So it didn't repeat very long,
did it, Friedrich, huh?

Probably wished
that circle was a little wider,

included one last
bratwurst and sausage, right?

All the stuff
we give up as we get older,

there's one thing
we're never quite ready

to part with is our friends.

Studies show the more time
you spend with them

being active in the outdoors,
the longer they'll live.

And if you have a friend
who rides a motorcycle,

buy him a helmet.

We'd hate for you
to lose a friend,

or for me to lose a customer.

Take care of yourselves.
Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

The party is still going
on Last Man Standing.

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