Original subtitles

Go on, Stjepan! Go on, my boy!

Watch your brother. The greatest soccer hero in all of Yugoslavia.

You watch, you learn! -I'm trying, Papa.

Goal! Goal! Goal!

Aah!

Aww.

Watch this, Gus.

Ohh! -Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy!

Are you all right?

Give me your hand, son.

See, Mama? Now we have two heroes.

One soccer hero and one deep-sea diver. Bah!

Andy. Oh, be a good boy.

Stay with butterfly collection, huh?

Ah, I give up.

I wish I never had to see a soccer ball again as long as I live.

Gus? Could you do that again?

Ready, Gus. Oich!

My father gets the paper from Yugoslavia.

I thought that was pretty funny.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Debbie, but even if I was Yugoslavian,

I'd have trouble laughing these days.

But a mule that kicks 100-yard soccer

goals is kinda terrific, don't you think?

Yeah. Especially since we got nobody

that can kick any kind of ball five yards.

This is Monaghan, Mr. Cooper, against the Packers.

That one cost us a 15-yard penalty, if I remember.

Yeah. That was the smallest loss we had all day.

Uh, what do you want to do about Monaghan, Mr. Cooper?

Trade him to the Packers. They oughta love him.

He played a better game for them than he did for us.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, this is Lindstrom, against the Rams.

What was he doin'? Wavin' to his girlfriend in the stands?

Well, I don't think so, Mr. Cooper. Uh, Lindstrom's married.

Mm. -That's probably why he's asking for more money.

What? He must be out of his head.

And that was the blow that did it.

Uh, this is Zebrowski, Mr. Cooper.

What do we do about Zebrowski, Mr. Cooper?

Try the Falcons. -Uh, they don't want him.

Uh, I don't think we got anybody they want.

Coach, we got nobody we want.

Uh, here's, uh, Vanowen, Mr. Cooper.

He's the only bright spot in our entire offense.

Well, I was thinking, maybe if, uh,

the other players promise not to congratulate so hard,

we could coax him out of retirement?

Debbie? Would you do me a favor?

I brought your aspirin, Mr. Cooper. -Oh, good.

You've seen these film clips, haven't you?

Mr. Cooper, I saw all the games.

Mm-hmm.

All right, outside of Rob Cargil at middle linebacker, what have we got?

Oh, we got a pretty good defense, Mr. Cooper.

Our boys have learned how to hit a few people.

If we can only teach 'em which team to hit...

Men, we're comin' off a tough season,

but this year's gonna be a whole new ball game.

Now, as we open training camp,

I'd like to introduce some of my new coaches... some of my assistants.

Now, with the help of these men,

I'm gonna turn the California Atoms into a solid ball team.

I see ya got the same old faces behind those batons.

Well, a lot of those Atomettes have been

with the organization a few years, Mr. Cooper.

It's pretty tough to just, you know, let 'em go.

Especially when they're gettin' so close

to their pensions.

But listen to this.

I've been giving it a lot of thought,

and I have come up with a clever new idea.

You're redecoratin' their wheelchairs.

No. No, no, no, listen.

Starting this fall, for all Atomettes,

if you're ten years married or got three kids, you're out.

One thing, this band sounds better than the one last year.

It certainly does.

One thing I thought I could count on was a decent halftime show...

that would pull in a few people.

When a man's relatives stop

asking for free passes, he's in trouble.

But I got lots more talent for you to see, Mr. Cooper. Wait'll you see this.

Uh, Elizabeth? -One, two! One, two!

Elizabeth? -Yeah?

Do some of those wonderful little flip-flops for Mr. Cooper.

Oh, sure, Mr. Barnsdale.

Very nice, Elizabeth. Very nice.

That should bring in a few people, especially doctors.

I got some other great ideas, Mr. Cooper.

I saw this act on TV.

This elephant actually twirls a baton with its trunk.

Now I figure we just dress him up like...

Joe, if I wanted an animal act,

I'd get that Yugoslavian mule who kicks 100-yard soccer goals.

Oh, yeah. Debbie showed me that story. Even I'd pay to see that, I think.

Might be worth a look, if it's for real.

All it takes is a round-trip

ticket to Yugoslavia for me to find out.

No, no. Takes more than that. Takes someone

to loan me the money to buy you the ticket.

Coach Loomis: Lineman's calisthenics.

Coach Meadows: Blackboard drill.

Coach Brody: Postgame films.

All right, I guess that about covers it for the coaches.

Now, how many players we got here? -None.

None? -They're not due till tomorrow.

Oh, well, then we'll just, uh...

All right, let's go to work, men.

Unbelievable. Un-be-liev-able!

That's right, Operator. To Thousand Oaks, California.

The message reads, Mule for real. Never misses at 100 yards.

Uh, Operator? "Sometimes misses at 110."

Hoo-hoo-hoo! -Well, what do you think, Mr. Cooper?

It might just be an expensive bomb. I'm not sure I'm that desperate.

Mr. Cooper?

I think we've got it. Aah! Aah!

WireJoe. Sign that mule.

Do you want that card, Rob?

Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Cooper.

How would you like to baby-sit a Yugoslavian mule and his trainer?

They signed! -Got his hoofprint right on the dotted line.

They signed the mule for the halftime show.

Oh, boy, the fans'll sure get a kick out of that.

But I gotta ask ya a favor, Debbie.

Since the trainer's Yugoslavian, and you're Yugoslavian...

Well, my parents are... -Close enough.

I'm puttin' you on detached duty and assigning

you to this kid, Andy, for a week or so...

to keep him from gettin' homesick.

Well, I haven't done any folk dancing, but

I'll do my best to make him feel at home. Okay?

Bye. -Bye.

What are you promisin', anyway? Are we goin' together or not?

Well, it's only for a week or so. G. Cooper's orders.

All incoming passengers from Trans World Airlines flight 702,

please claim your baggage at the street entrance.

Andy? -Yes, Andy.

Debbie! -Uh, Gus.

Uh, well, I'll see ya in a minute.

Come on. Let's go. Tuck in that ball.

Follow through on that ball. Way to go!

Introducing the greatest halftime act in all of professional football,

direct from Yugoslavia.

Hey, Rob. Throw Andy a ball.

Yes, sir, Mr. Cooper.

Here you go, kid.

Welcome to the NFL.

You okay, kid? -O-Oh, y-yes, sir.

M-My brother does it a-all the time.

Okay. Now, I want you to see that mule kick this ball.

Uh, Mr. Cooper? -Hmm?

Gus has never kicked a ball like this before. -Can't you get him to try?

For the kind of money I laid out, I'm at least entitled to see him miss.

Go ahead, Andy. Just try it.

Go on.

With your finger. Hold it with your finger, kid.

There. Okay.

Now, how do you get him to kick? -I usually just yell, "Oich."

Ah-ha-ha!

Right. If that's no fluke, you might have come up with a winner, Hank.

Yeah. A halftime show that'll let the Atoms fans forget about the team.

Well, so far, in their opening exhibition game,

the Atoms haven't disappointed us a bit, folks.

Twenty seconds to go in the first half.

It's the Cleveland Browns 27, the California Atoms 0.

Manders in kick formation for Cleveland.

He stands on his own 30.

There's the snap. It's... Oh, it's over his head!

It's trickling back to the 25, the 20, the 15!

A scramble for the ball... and Rob Cargil has it for the Atoms!

That's the way you do it! That's the way.

Field goal team, field goal team. Everyone, out of the way!

Uh... Way to go, big fella! Nice goin'!

Okay. Garcia, why aren't you in uniform?

Oh, that's right. You're one of the coaches. Okay, O'Brien! O'Brien!

Where's my placekicker? -He just went out to kick a field goal, Coach.

Oh. Yeah. Good. Thanks. Okay.

This will be the Atoms' first score of the ball game.

Let's see. It's, uh, O'Brien. O'Brien lines

up for what should be an easy three points.

Now, folks, the moment you've all been waiting for.

You've read about them in the papers. Now you're going to see them in person.

Here they are, direct from Yugoslavia, Andy...

and his miracle mule, Gus!

I'll say this, folks. If Andy and his friend Gus...

are half as good as their press notices,

the fans here will get a lot more to cheer

about than they did in that first half!

S-So many people. I don't think I can go through with this.

What's he doin' to me? -It's the crowd, Mr. Cooper. I think he's frightened.

When I get my hands on him, I'll give him something to be frightened about.

Dah!

Can we help you, Mr. Cooper? -Yeah, get out there and do something.

The pyramid? -Yeah, the leaning tower, anything. Go on, go on!

All right, girls. Form it up.

And, uh, one and two and one and two...

Mr. Cooper! They're coming back!

Well, at least the crowd's laughing, Mr. Cooper.

They're gonna laugh me right into bankruptcy.

Now, remember, girls. This one's for Mr. Cooper.

Yeah, for Mr. Cooper.

It's all right, Gus. I feel better now. Thanks.

Ready, Gus?

Oich!

Ta-da!

Oh! Oh!

Great!

Well, there's a new wrinkle in Atomland. Not the Atoms.

They have the same old ones, and the old

wrinkles lost to the Browns 41 to zip tonight.

But that halftime show, with Andy and the

mule Gus, that was something else again.

After a shaky start, the four-legged Atom

put three 100-yard kicks...

straight through the uprights.

Hank Cooper may have found himself a real drawing card.

Question is, will it be enough to pull the ex-garbage king out of the dumps?

Financial, that is. This sportscaster doesn't think so.

Cigar, Charlie? -Hank, whenever you offer me a cigar,

old friends start to become cunning enemies.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

How long we been playin' poker together?

Twenty years? Twenty-five? -Sure, that's how I got talked into the note.

Well, what I'm gettin' at, Charlie, is this.

You're a man who likes to take a

chance, and I think I got a deal for ya.

Like what? -Like, say, we make a bet.

Like, say, if I win, I keep the club.

If I lose, you buy it... at your price.

Well, now, that sounds interesting. What's your wager?

I say... the Atoms...

win... half their ball games.

Wha... Seven games?

Th-That's more than they won in the last ten years put together.

Not a bad bet, huh? -Ye... Well, now wait a minute.

Wait a minute. What's the catch?

No catch. -What are you, some sort of a nut?

Charlie, I'm up the creek.

Flat. Zippo.

How 'bout it? Is it a bet?

I'll tell you what, Hank. -Huh?

I got a better bet for ya.

What's that? -Any team that can go from zero to seven wins...

can go from zero to the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl? -The bet was your idea, Hank.

If you wanna hang on to your team...

The Super Bowl? -I'll refinance you for one year.

You have to get to the Super Bowl and win it or you lose the team.

Ch-Charlie, I wanna hang on to that team, but you're diggin' my grave.

Hank. What are friends for?

Hi, Andy. How do you like Lukom's ranch?

Very much. It reminds me of home.

Well, a letter from Yugoslavia came to the office.

My family! Maybe Papa got the clipping.

Oh, boy, I bet they're proud of you.

Oh, could I have the stamp? -Sure.

Bad news? -Good news, about my brother, Stjepan,

and Papa says that he played brilliantly against Brazil.

Stjepan kicked four goals and won the game single-handed.

That's great, but wh... Where does it mention you?

In the P.S.

We received your newspaper clipping but could not read it...

because of the caviar that was spilled on it...

during Stjepan's victory celebration.

Same old Papa.

Isn't there something I could do?

How about writing you a cheerful letter?

Or maybe going out to dinner with me tonight?

Ohh. I made a date with Rob.

Oh. -You know, I haven't seen him very much lately,

and I just don't know how I could break it.

Yeah. I understand. -Otherwise I'd love to.

Yeah.

Gus! What is it?

I'll call the vet and cancel the date with Rob.

Oh, no, no. You go ahead. I'll take care of it.

Don't be silly. If Gus is sick, I want to be here.

It's okay. You'll be okay.

I'd like to say I cured him,

but this mule's healthy as a horse.

I'll see you folks.

It was like a miracle that he recovered.

Yes.

You know, in my country, when a dinner date is canceled, it's canceled.

I think I like your customs.

And your miracles.

I don't believe it. That Debbie stood me up

for two hours in front of a Chinese restaurant.

And I don't even like Chinese food!

Hey, she called and asked me to give you a

message, but I didn't know where you'd gone.

Said something about Gus the mule being sick and her taking care of him.

Gus the mule? I got that Yugoslav comin' outta my ears.

Hello. Is Debbie there?

No, she isn't. -Where is she? Out back with the mule?

No, she's out with Andy. Left for the drive-in movie about an hour ago.

Any message? -Yeah, but I'll deliver it myself.

Debbie? Debbie, would you mind steppin' out?

Debbie, I know you're in there.

All right, if you won't come out, then I'm comin' in. Aah.

I thought we had a da... l... Sorry.

I am really sorry.

Oh, boy, am I sorry.

Oh, say, does that

Star-spangled banner

Yet wave

O'er the land of the free

And the home of the brave

It's the home of the brave, all right. Can't

be more than a handful of people here tonight.

Well, we saw what the fans thought of the mule.

Now I guess we're seeing what they think of the team.

This is Johnny Unitas, and here's my good friend and cohort...

Well, howdy there, football fans. You, too, Mother.

Pepper Allen here. Just down on the field collecting some stats.

And it's just about kickoff time.

Time to welcome the old pepper pot into your living rooms...

for another season of great, great football on Football Night of the Week.

Week after week, I'll be with ya, step by step, name by name, game by game,

and, of course, sittin' right here beside me,

I'll have my old buddy Johnny Unitas.

He'll be carryin' the ball right along with me, right, John? Right.

But don't you worry, fans. The old pepper

pot will be right here to fall on any fumbles.

Yeah, we're gonna be watchin' a very interesting team here tonight, folks,

'cause this Atom ball club has nowhere to go but up!

I mean, it's a team that, during the entire

exhibition season, they didn't win a single game!

Strike that! They didn't score a single touchdown.

Strike that! Couldn't buy a single point.

And if you can't go up from there, football

fans, I don't know where you can go up from.

Right, Johnny? Right.

Hey, have we got some interesting match-ups for you tonight.

Through the magic of Pepper's profiles, I'm gonna give you an insight...

on some of the players who'll be makin'

it happen right down there on the field.

Would you roll that film, please, back there?

Excuse me, Pepper. They're about to kick off.

Who? Oh!

The Green Bay Packers, folks. They're lining up.

And we're ready to go.

Roy really got his toe into that one. Right in and out of the end zone.

Yeah! The Atoms get the first break of the ball game.

They don't have to run it back!

All right, offense! Offense! Get in there and stick it to 'em!

Yeah, you don't have to be a Johnny Unitas to

know that the only chance those Atoms have...

is to pass that ball, right, Johnny?

Right. Take it from the old Pepper.

Now, if I were that quarterback, l-I'd come right out throwin'!

Throw, throw, throw!

Four! 68! Hut!

They came out throwing, all right.

They got thrown back for four yards, making it second and 14.

Get set! 53! 41! Hut!

Ellis is dropping back. Looks like they're

taking your advice, Pepper. They're gonna pass.

Oh, no!

Well, it's fourth down and 18. I guess we better punt.

Hold it! -Uh, you don't want to punt, Mr. Cooper?

We're going for the field goal, Coach. -From our own 12 yard line?

If O'Brien turned around and kicked the

other way, he couldn't make a field goal.

It's a field goal, Coach.

Yeah, but wha...

Uh-oh. A little confusion down there.

The mule has romped onto the field.

You're gonna do what?

Mr. Cooper's orders. Someone throws me the ball, and I hold it.

Then Gus kicks it, and then we score a touchdown.

Not a touchdown, you Yugoslavian midget. A field goal. Three points?

If they're crazy enough to let us get away with it.

Now you're gonna have to get that mule off the field, Mr. Cooper,

unless you wanna forfeit the game.

Oh, no, we don't want to forfeit the game, do we, Mr. Cooper?

We're not forfeiting anything.

The mule stays in, and he kicks.

There's no way they're gonna let that mule kick.

The referee is talking to someone on the field phone, Pepper.

Johnny, please, stick with the money,

John. Was the old pepper pot ever wrong?

Take it from me. If the Atoms think they're going to let that mule kick,

it's pie in the sky, and I never lie!

Heh-heh, there's just no way!

How 'bout this way... -There's no way!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I have been asked to read a bulletin.

According to the official rules of the National Football League,

Rule 5, Section 1,

the game is to be played by two teams of 11 players each.

The rule book does not define the word "player. '"

Therefore, a player could be a man, a woman...

or anyone a team chooses to represent them on the field.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, the mule "Gus' will be allowed to play.

And as you say, Pepper, There's no way.

Oich!

Hank, that mule was a cheap trick.

What trick? You shoved an impossible bet up my armpit.

I stuck you with a mule. -Well, you'll never get away with it, Hank.

You wouldn't like to make a little bet on that, too, would you, Charlie?

Another beautiful evening here in Adams Stadium and another capacity crowd.

The fans in these parts have gone bananas.

Four weeks into the season, and who is undefeated,

and who's in a tie for first place in the Western Division?

Yes, sir, our own astounding California Atoms.

Now let's go down to the field for the introductions.

At 229, number 50,

Fred Stillwell.

At 235, number 61,

Marvin Schnall.

At 250, number 57,

Rob Cargil.

And weighing in at 1,374 pounds,

number double zero, Gus Petrovic.

All right, men, this is another tough one.

I want you to get out there and stick it right to 'em.

This is a 40-man team, and I want a 40-man effort.

Are you with me? -Yeah!

Here comes the Atoms' third-down play.

Ellis is back to pass. Receivers are well-covered. He looks, he looks...

Oh, he's smothered. It's another big loss,

and listen to those Atoms fans cheer!

Never heard a team cheered for losing ground before,

but you're going to be hearing it all evening, folks,

'cause with fourth and 24 on their own nine yard line, here comes the reason.

Go get 'em, Gus!

Ready, Gus?

Oich!

That's the way to go, Andy!

San Francisco's ball, good field position.

Remember, Tucker likes to throw the ball.

Yes, he's back to pass. It looks like a screen.

And Cargil is over fast to cover.

Kid. Kid! Say somethin'.

I did it all for you, Papa.

Here comes Gus trotting out on the field once again.

The question now is, who is going to hold for him?

I have seen everything.

I've seen many players carried off the field on stretchers, folks,

but I've never seen anything like this.

Oich.

Cargil! Cargil!

Cargil!

You... You're trying to ruin me.

I saw what happened! It was a deliberate hit.

Mr. Cooper, I'm tellin' ya. It was an accident.

Then it's a $1,000 accident, because that's what it's costin' ya.

One thousand dollars.

And a new suit!

And a box of cigars!

Don't worry. -Cal, they've won four in a row.

They're tied for first place! -Relax, will you?

What chance have they got to get to the Super Bowl anyway?

What chance? With that four-legged George Blanda kicking field goals,

it is a definite possibility!

All right. So what we need is an edge.

You got somethin' in mind?

I'll work on it.

Spinner, Crankcase, I've spent ten years of my life observing you two men.

I've seen you come in together and go out together.

I've seen you come back in together and go back out together,

and I've seen you come back in...

Yeah, yeah, Warden. We know.

You seen us come in together, and you seen us go back out together.

For the last time! We're splittin' up.

Well, I'm delighted.

Then I wish you gentlemen both a happier and healthier tomorrow.

Thank you, Warden. -Good luck.

Slayko, Lester Slayko. Sports columnist

for United Press International, Mr. Lukom?

We though there'd be a nice, warm human interest story...

about the ranch where Gus the mule is staying.

And of course about the man who boards him.

Oh, good, good. Well, now, would you

mind if I asked you a couple of questions?

Oh, good, good. Now, I gather that Gus sleeps in a barn. Hmm?

His own stall? With security, I assume?

No security as yet. Uh-huh.

Now, do you drive him to the stadium before the game?

Gordon Horse Vans.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, now, th-that's, uh, G-O-R-D-O-N?

Yeah. -Capital G-O-R...

Wow. That's the famous mule, huh?

Well, I heard a lot about ya, Andy...

Oh, no, I'm Andy. This is Gus.

Oh. Ye... Yah, well... Oh, well, pardon me. I'm not too good at names or faces.

Have you driven us before?

No, I just got out. I mean, uh, to these parts.

Yeah. No.

Well, y-you do know the way to the stadium. -Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I'll get you there in plenty of time for the game. Yeah. I know a shortcut.

It's gonna be all right. Uh, wanna load him up?

Can't figure it out. That shortcut disappeared.

Perhaps if we took the longcut it wouldn't use so much gasoline.

Oh, you're a worrier, kid.

By game time, you and I will be there watchin' that mule in action.

Uh, Mr. Cooper? Mr. Lukom said they left about three hours ago.

By dog sled? -Well, maybe they got caught in a traffic jam.

Joe, they could have been here three hours ago if Gus had ridden in on Andy.

Yeah, you were right about the gas, but I was right about the mule.

It's game time, and we're watchin' him in action.

Did ya hear about what happened yesterday, Charlie? -Yeah, Hank.

It's a shame. Mule missed the whole game, huh?

Yeah. Yeah! It was the darndest thing!

Seems like somebody slipped in a phony driver.

Oh, Hank, deliberately?

Now, aren't you exaggerating just a little bit?

Maybe I am, Charlie, but I tell you this:

If it happens again, whoever did it is going to get his tail full of buckshot.

Men, this is a proud team.

This season, we've won four times together.

Now, last week, we went down together,

but the mark of a great team is whether they can come back together!

Yeah! -All right!

Now, first place is waitin' for us, men.

So this week, we're gonna get off the ground,

and we're gonna go out there and we're gonna win together!

Are you with me?

Oich!

Let's count our blessings.

In a world sagging under the burden of war, energy crisis,

bigotry, overpopulation, crime and inflation,

it's a comfort to have Andy and Gus.

The mule is a winner!

He's something we need in our daily life.

If he hadn't just happened, we would have had to invent him.

For man needs hope...

and the assurance that somehow, some way,

things are going to work out for the better...

that we're all going to be winners!

And it's taken a simple mule from Yugoslavia...

to make this American dream come true for the California Atoms,

who are now ten and one and tied for first place in the Western Division.

And how would you like to meet the young man who, with his mule,

has helped bring the peoples of these two great countries,

America and Yugoslavia, together?

Our candidates for goodwill ambassadors of the year:

Gus and his co-hero, Andy Petrovic.

Andy, you've captured the heart and the imagination...

of all America.

I feel very proud.

I would like to thank Mr. Hank Cooper and everyone else who has helped me,

and most of all, I would like to thank Gus.

Andy, we have a surprise for you.

Through the magic of Telstar,

we are going to take you back to a small farm in Yugoslavia,

where a proud family is waiting to be reunited with you.

Come in, Yugoslavia!

Andy! -Mama! Papa!

It must make you very proud to have a

son who's a hero like Andy, Mr. Petrovic.

I don't understand. What hero?

The mule kicks, and Andy holds the ball.

A finger is a hero?

You want to see a hero?

I'll show you a hero. Hah!

My brother, Stjepan.

The greatest soccer player in all of Europe.

Fine, but this is a salute to Andy and... and Gus.

Good. While you're saluting a finger,

maybe also you should salute a hero!

Uh, well, thank you for the visit, Mr. And Mrs. Petrovic.

What soccer is to the rest of the world, football is to America.

And we can all pay tribute to these newly

crowned American heroes tomorrow... Sunday...

now officially called Gus Day.

And as we cheer for Gus tomorrow, we'll be cheering...

for the mule in all of us.

A privilege to meet you, Inspector Henderson.

May I ask the reason for the visit?

Just wanted to make sure your boys are on their toes, that's all.

We Pembertons are never off them, sir.

We have Gus secured in his stable,

all ready for his big night tonight.

Well, then, Captain, perhaps you have an explanation for that, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Men!

Shh!

Drink up, Gus. Today's your day.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the biggest celebration of the year.

It looks like the whole city has turned out to honor its favorite two citizens.

I've never seen anything like it. This stadium is rocking with Gus fans!

And let me tell ya. The spirit is catching, folks

And I do mean catching.

Well, there are dignitaries from all over the state.

They've come here for the pre-game ceremony.

Let's see. There's the honorable mayor,

Tom Lansing, and his lovely wife, Loretta,

and representatives of Boy and Girl Scouts...

and our own beauteous Atomettes.

Let's see. That roar from the crowd can mean only one thing, folks.

Yes, here comes Andy and Gus in their proudest moment.

Come on, Gus. Shape up.

Let's see. The mayor is now stepping forward to make the presentation.

Whoa! Help! Someone, help!

Gus! -Wha... Help! Get me up, somebody!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Gus! -Stop! Stop!

Whoa!

Come back, Gus!

Aah!

Well, we're set to go, folks. The Eagles

have won the toss, and Gus will kick off...

and if Gus plays with half the spirit

he's shown during the pregame ceremonies,

watch out, Eagles!

Oich!

Tsk. Shame to see ya drop to second place, Hank.

What happened to the mule? Was he sick or what?

You know darn well what happened.

We ran his oats through a lab and made an interesting discovery.

How'd ya like to try a few of those oats, Charlie?

Or don't ya drink before breakfast?

Well, all I know is I've got a friend who has problems,

so I came here with an olive branch.

Whaddya got on it, arsenic?

Hank, I'm meeting the other offers for the team...

if you sell right now.

Your offer couldn't have been better timed, Charlie.

Now I know you're sweatin'. -Hank, you're playing with a cold deck.

Come on. How about it?

Sorry, Charlie. There's an old Yugoslavian expression.

Never switch mules in the middle of a shave.

Well, the Atoms really showed 'em how it's done here in Buffalo today, folks.

It was Gus 30, the Bills 27.

That moves the California club into a

first-place tie with the Rams, who lost today,

and it sets up the really big one for next week,

when the Atoms play those same Los Angeles Rams for the divisional title.

Incidentally, for wives and sweethearts who want to meet the team,

the Atoms' plane will arrive at 10:30 tonight in Los Angeles.

How are you?

Oich!

Two things happened to Rob Cargil, the Atoms' star linebacker today:

He went to the hospital, and he went to the Michigan Mammoths.

Too late to help 'em much this year, even if they make it to the Super Bowl,

unless you make tackles from a wheelchair.

The rumor is that Rob was the third side of one of those eternal triangles,

and there's been bad blood between him and Andy Petrovic all season.

As for Andy, he hasn't got a problem in the world these days,

as he and Gus lead the Atoms into the divisional title game this Sunday.

Yes, this is he speaking.

This is Memorial Hospital, Mr. Petrovic.

Yes? -I've been instructed to call you by a Miss Debbie Kovacs.

Debbie? Uh, what's happened to Debbie?

Well, there's been an accident, but she's in very good hands.

Uh, who is this? -I'm Dr. Ernest Goldman.

See, it was a two-car collision. What a mess!

But you're not to worry. Those were her very words.

She knows you got a crucial game to play

today, and she wants you shouldn't miss it.

Uh, where is Memorial Hospital?

Oh, you're not to come down here, sir. -H-How do I find the hospital?

You take the Santa Ana freeway to the Orange Grove off-ramp.

Turn left at Beach Boulevard about four miles. Then take a right.

Dr. Wylie. Dr. Wylie. Call Surgery.

Mr. Petrovic? -Dr. Goldman?

Right this way, please. Dr. Danbry. Call X Ray.

Now if you'll notice right here, the...

I couldn't expect a layman like you to be able to read this,

but, uh, to the practiced eye, it's quite obvious.

Now, you see the pressure in the

ventricular globule in the tertiary gland?

Well, that's causing an obstruction in the, uh, lumbar columbado region.

Ohh.

Uh, ahem, room's ready, Doctor. -Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Deloo. Dr. Deloo. Call Inhalation Therapy.

Oh, where's Debbie? -She's fine.

Right now, she needs an immediate blood transfusion.

What type blood you got? -Uh, l-I'm not sure.

Perfect. Just the kind she needs. Here you are.

Change into these. Wait here. I'll be right back.

But, Dr. Goldman, l... -I said I'll be right back.

What do you mean he isn't with ya? -We just brought the mule.

We thought Andy was with you. -You thought?

You thought? I hired you guys for muscle.

If I wanted somebody to think, I'd have hired the Supreme Court!

Oh, how's Debbie?

I've been waiting here for the transfusion, but nobody's come in.

Patience, patience, my boy. Everything's going along perfectly.

She sent you a message. She said, Everything's going along perfectly.

Just knowing you're here eases the pain.

Oh, if only I could see her! -Will you relax, sonny boy?

You'll get your blood all bubbly, and that

wouldn't do you any good for the transfusion.

Where are you taking those? -Well, I'm taking these to the transfusion room.

You see, the minute you're finished, you just slide off the table,

slip into these and you're on your way to the game.

You keep your eye on 'im while I dump these.

What if somebody wants to come in?

Tell 'em ya got an extreme case of dementia

praecox in there. -What kind of peacock?

You know...

Oh, you mean the peacock's cuckoo?

Dr. Gray. Dr. Gray...

Excuse me. Uh, Mr. Cooper? I just heard from Andy.

Where is he? -Well, there's been some kind of emergency.

He said he'd be here as soon as he gives Debbie a transfusion.

Does that girl look like she needs a transfusion?

Oh, uh, no. No, no, not at all.

You... -Great shape!

Dr. Terussa. Call Radiology. -Uh, excuse me. You can't go in there.

Pardon me. -Oh, no. You see, we have a demented peacock in there.

A what? -Uh, uh, a, uh... -

What about my transfusion? I have to hurry.

I'm playing a very important football game.

Football? Oh, sure, yeah. I'll tell ya what.

Why don't we bring the goalposts here, Gus?

Oh, no. No, l-I'm not Gus. I'm Andy. You must believe me. -We do.

Yeah, we do. Yeah. Sure, you can be anybody

you want here. Man o' War, Rin Tin Tin.

How about Dumbo, the flying elephant?

Hasn't got both oars in the water.

Mm-hmm.

It's fourth down, Mr. Cooper. Guess we oughta punt, huh? -Excuse me.

I've checked every hospital in town, Mr. Cooper. No sign of Andy.

Well, we're goin' for the field goal, anyway.

O'Brien? Get ready to go in there and hold for Gus.

Stretcher bearers, get ready to go in there for O'Brien.

Then there's no Debbie Kovacs registered?

No, sir. I'm sorry. There isn't.

Okay, get it!

I've heard of a one-man dog, but how could I wind up with a one-man mule?

Well, there's still a chance, Mr. Cooper. There's a whole quarter left.

Ah, Debbie, we could have two weeks left,

but without Andy holding for Gus, we're dead.

Dr. Carlisle. Dr. Carlisle. Call 2411.

Shhh.

Oh, my. Well, folks, any dreams the Atoms had of going to the Super Bowl...

have vanished along with their little placekick holder, Andy.

Eighteen seconds to go. Atoms' ball on their own 48.

Usually an automatic field goal for Gus,

but he refuses to kick for anybody but Andy.

Gus is out there, Mr. Cooper.

The question is, who are we gonna send out there with him?

All right, block that kick!

Block that kick! Block that kick! Block that kick!

Oich! Please, Gus, for Andy!

Andy!

My papa was right.

I'm some hero when... when anybody can take my place.

Well, if this were my old Aunt Hattie,

I'd call it the vapors.

I have a feeling if Andy walked through that door, the vapors would disappear.

Gus is probably more worried than any of us.

Not any more worried than I am.

Where does a Yugoslavian kid go to drown his sorrows?

I think I know.

TWA flight 615 now departing.

Hey, Andy! Congratulations. I was at the game today. That was a great win.

Yeah, you're puttin' us right on top, Andy.

All right, Andy. Right up there, huh?

Andy, where's Gus?

Never mind. Can I have your autograph? I mean, for my kid.

What kid? It's for you. And get one for me, too, Harv.

Andy, are you going back to New York? -No, b-back to Yugoslavia.

But what about the play-offs and the Super Bowl?

Gus will do very well without me.

No, he won't.

Nor will an awful lot of other people.

Debbie, I'm sorry. I didn't plan for it to happen this way.

It just happened. I have to go.

Okay. You have to go, but can't we just talk for a minute?

All right, for just a minute.

Andy... -Debbie, before you start, I know now that my papa was right.

Your papa? Your papa? -My papa was right all along, Debbie.

I was never really a player. If it weren't for Gus, l...

Andy, listen to me.

It isn't your papa. It's you.

You've gotta be something in your own eyes...

before you can be anything to anybody else.

Sure. In the meantime, my brother Stjepan's the hero.

Hero? Who cares if you're a hero or not...

if you're not man enough to stay here and fight...

for something or somebody you care about?

Okay, go.

Go ahead. Run away.

You're just going to prove to everybody

that that zero on your uniform is right.

To Yugoslavia? You told him off? Couldn't you just stop him?

She did, Mr. Cooper. -Hi, kid.

That mule is nothin' without him, Debbie. Nothin'!

Once he's on that plane...

Where you been, huh? -Well, l...

Never mind where you been. I'll tell you where you're gonna be from now on!

Anywhere you say, Mr. Cooper. I just want

to say that I'm sorry for all the trouble.

Uh-huh. -I want to apologize to you and-and to Debbie...

Okay, okay, okay.

You just win the play-offs and the Super Bowl, and all is forgiven.

Right now, you and Gus are going into hidin'. It's all arranged.

Yes, sir. Whatever you say. But right now, I've gotta see Debbie.

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw. Nothing doing.

Nobody's goin' near you till after the Super Bowl.

N-Not even Debbie?

Not even nobody.

Yeah, well, Miami was tough. It was real tough,

but I, I had a gut feeling that we'd take 'em if we just,

you know, ran right into their strength and, and passed right into that zone...

and swept right around those ends.

Uh, how about the 14 field goals by Gus?

Oh, yeah, well, they helped too.

Well, thank you, Coach Venner.

And good luck in the Super Bowl, all you Atoms.

Good game. Way to go. Nice game.

Really good. That's the way to do it, isn't it? Huh?

Good game, fellas. -Keep it up, guys. Keep it up.

Hey, Hank, you're lookin' like a winner. -Gentlemen...

Congratulations. Lookin' like a winner.

Well, we'll know in two weeks, won't we, Charlie? -Oh, come on.

With Gus and Andy in there, heh, the Mammoths don't stand a chance.

By the way, where is Andy? I'd like to congratulate him too.

Oh, I'm sure you would, but you'd need a fast car.

Car? -Or plane.

Maybe even a boat.

Hank, I just want to congratulate him.

I'll tell you what. I'll arrange a special interview with him...

right after we win the Super Bowl.

Andy, are you all right?

No. It is my heart.

Your heart? -Yes. It is very lonely.

Mine too. Andy... I really miss you.

Me too. You would love it here.

When you climb to the top of the mountain, you can see the ocean.

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

Uh-huh.

Can see the ocean? Can see the...

Wait a minute. Sure!

Hank Cooper's got a cabin in the Malibu mountains in L.A.

Now, Cal, if I was a betting man...

What's going on here?

Oh, I am just so sorry that my boys aren't here to help me.

You see, I was trying to turn the bus around, and look what happened.

Could you lend me a hand, please?

Well, I don't know. I think... -Gus can help. He's strong.

Not on your life. Anything happens to him, it'll be my life.

Back on our farm when wagon is stuck, we use a lever.

I'll show you.

Well, we might as well. We can't get by you anyway.

Excuse me, Gus. We'll be on our way in just a minute.

Okay.

No, you're not lookin' at a mirror, Gus.

That's just the world's greatest paint job.

Now, we're gonna play a little musical mule, so come on, out you go.

It's just the two of us, and we'd like twin double beds, please.

Yes, sir. Room 319.

Thank you. Oopsy-daisy!

Well, what's the matter? -It's my contact lenses.

They're always dropping out, and they bounce all over the place.

Well, let me help. I've got 20/20 vision.

Very kind of you.

Now, you have to be careful.

Yeah. Try over there.

Found it. -Huh?

Where? I don't see it.

Oh, you oughta have your eyes checked. You need these worse than I do.

You've been very helpful.

Press three.

You know, this is crazy, Spinner.

We shouldn't have brought, uh, you-know-who here.

We should have gone right to Mexico.

With the most famous mule in the country?

Now, suppose the cops would've caught us?

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Hey, I wonder if that Cooper and company

found out they got the wrong mule yet.

Well, how would I know? The whole thing went off without a hitch.

Now, will you get some sleep?

Tomorrow, right after the game, we gotta get outta here.

Is that you, Spinner?

What?

Somebody just crawled in bed with me.

Well, I guess he had to sleep somewhere. -Yeah, but why with me?

Well, how should I know? Maybe you remind him of his mother.

Now go to sleep.

Hmm.

Hey!

Night.

How'd he sleep last night?

Never better, Mr. Cooper.

But you know something? He looks like

he's put on a few pounds, almost overnight.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can look like a whale...

as long as he doesn't go out there and kick like one.

Wanna order of two glasses of orange juice,

two orders of toast... one whole wheat, one rye...

an order of scrambled eggs and bacon,

an order of, uh, eggs over with sausage.

Oh, uh, you got any oatmeal?

Well, send up a bucket.

Raw.

Same to you.

Yes, sir. Here we are, folks. The old pepper pot,

Pepper Allan and his favorite sidekick, Johnny Unitas.

We're here in the City of the Angels on a rainy Super Bowl Sunday.

Game after game, week after week,

the struggle, the anguish, the heartbreak of the whole season...

has unfolded before your eyes.

And I've brought you some great ones, haven't I? You bet I have.

I've given you the highlights, the insights and even the hindsights,

but the story of the year has got to

be this amazing California Atoms team...

and their miracle mule, Gus.

They've gone from the bottom of the pile to winners by a mile.

And now what are they gonna do to those Michigan Mammoths, Johnny?

I'll tell you what they're gonna do.

As sure as there's clouds in the sky and rain in your eye,

it's money in the bank for the Atoms.

They may be short-changed today, Pepper. The sun's coming out.

Well, sun or no sun, folks, a muddy field means turnover time,

and let me tell you what turnover means to those Atoms.

They've lived by the turnover all year long,

and the question is, will they live or die by the turnover today?

While you're working on the answer, Pepper,

we've got some guests from overseas in the booth,

and we'd better introduce them before their visas run out.

You bet we have, Johnny. Flown in all the way from Yugoslavia...

at no small expense to our network... Mama and Papa Petrovic.

It must be a thrill for you to be here

this afternoon to see your son Andy perform.

Andy good boy. Good farmer.

Goats and pigs not the same since he left.

Mr. Petrovic, there may be panic in the pig pen,

but we're talkin' about a great American hero.

Oh, the finger, yeah.

Papa, maybe Andy is a hero.

A man who holds the ball for a mule to kick? We'll see.

We'll all see. Yes, indeed, folks, 'cause here they come.

Both teams out on the rain-soaked field, and the dream game...

that 100 million fanatic fans have been waiting for is about to happen...

and Old Pepper is gonna bring it to ya right into your living room.

And here's a little scoop for you right from the pepper pot.

Rob Cargil, the ex-Atom meat grinder,

is suited up and sitting on the Michigan bench,

splints and all, ready if needed.

Let me tell ya, folks, right now he's the meanest machine you've ever seen.

Well, here comes the kickoff.

Are you ready, Gus?

Oich!

What happened? Huh?

Gus, what's the matter?

Gus? Are you Gus?

You're not Gus!

Hey, that mule's gone ape. What's the matter with him?

Whatever it is, stay away from his hind legs...

unless you wanna wind up lookin' like that TV set.

Hey!

What's goin' on out there? Where'd that white spot come from?

Something must've rubbed off, Mr. Cooper.

You know, I got a sister-in-law who had a nose job.

Maybe we've got a... a mule with a paint job.

No, just kidding.

That's not even Gus, you nincompoop!

Hey!

It's a fraud! The old shell game, folks.

Hank Cooper and the missing mule have made jackasses of all of you.

I tried to tell you. Didn't I, Johnny? You bet I did.

The bubble had to burst sometime,

and the bubble burst right in the first half.

So far, this Super Bowl has been a laugher for the Mammoths,

but I don't seem to hear any laughin', do you, Johnny?

No, I don't either. Especially from the Atoms.

'Cause take it from us, folks, there's no more Gus.

Mr. Cooper, they've spotted Gus. -Where is he?

Somewhere near Topanga Canyon, but they lost him. -Let's go, kid.

But where? -How do I know? We're gonna find him,

and if we don't, nobody better find the two of us.

See anything, Mr. Cooper?

Same thing you do, kid. Nothing.

That half-time must be almost over.

Uh, excuse me.

Listen, no mule is gonna outsmart us.

Yeah? Well, he's doing a pretty good job so far.

This place is as good as any corral.

Now, you round him up, and I'll lasso him. You think you can handle that?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to be a bus boy on a dude ranch.

I got him!

Spinner! I got him! I got him!

Hi.

Oh... oh.

Hello.

Am I in your way?

Whooaahh!

I got him. Oh. I got him.

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa there. Whoa. Whoa.

Steady now, Gus. Hold it. Whoa.

Let go of me!

Ohhh!

Who was that?

Oh, yes. We package it all ourselves.

That's how we built our reputation for having the freshest meat in town.

Hey! Hey!

Freshest meat!

All right, all right, all right.

Look, Crankcase, you go have a look over there, huh?

Yeah. -Hey.

Huh? -And try and be a little more discreet.

Get him! Get him!

Ohhh.

Ohhh! Help! Aaah! Whoa!

Ohhh. -Hey, Mom, look at that!

What are you doing in there, huh?

Hey, don't... don't do that!

All right, quit foolin' around. -Huh?

Stay close.

Which...

Which way did he go?

I don't know, but I'll tell you one

thing. I'd settle for goin' back to jail.

Not with 25 G's at stake.

Now, you go over there. I'm goin' up here for a better look.

Oh, wait a minute. Here.

Get me a bottle of aspirin. I got an awful headache.

Aaaaah! No!

Whoa.

Whoa, Gus. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wh...

Whoa. Whoa!

Oh.

Spinner, I got him!

Tsk. Really!

Oh, my goodness! I'm a mess!

Give him room! Get out of the way!

Give him some room! Somebody stop him! No!

Sorry, Mr. Cooper. There's no sign of him at all.

And it's one hour till doomsday.

Not yet! Look down there! It's Gus!

Another of Pepper's predictions was right again, folks.

Safe and sound, Gus has been found!

And the mule-nappers are on their way to the rock pile.

Ah, but before you start cheerin' for the Atoms,

remember it's a long way from Topanga Canyon to the Coliseum.

And there is no way... no way they can get him here on time.

Uh, Pepper, there's one way.

Johnny, there is no way.

Unless... Unless they bring him in by helicopter,

and if they listen to the old pepper pot,

that's exactly what they'll do.

Oich!

Oich!

Unbelievable! Inconceivable!

What a comeback, folks!

Five consecutive field goals!

The Atoms have been stickin' and the mule has been kickin'.

And with two minutes to play, don't go away!

The old pepper pot...

wouldn't miss bringin' this to you for a... for...

Well, at last, it's nice to come into your livin' room, everybody.

If you think you've seen a miracle on the field,

we've been treated to an even bigger one here in the booth.

The old pepper head's ground to a halt.

But I think I know what he'd like to say.

Week after week, game after game,

play after play, have I ever been wrong?

And now, with all my insight, hindsight and foresight, let me tell you, mother,

this is the greatest comeback in the history of American sports.

Win or lose, the Atoms have made it a game.

And I told you all along, and I'm telling you again,

the mule is the team and the team's on the beam.

Yes, sirree. And how have the Atoms been doing it, folks?

No muss, no fuss, just Gus.

Right, Pepper? Right.

There! Five three!

One, twenty-nine, and... hut!

Well, it looks as if you've won yourself a ball team, Charlie.

And the first thing you're gonna do is to

get that mule's hoofprint on a contract.

Better work on our goal line defense. Prescott.

With ten seconds left, what's the

difference if they win by one or a hundred?

Well, losing by one point isn't bad at all,

Mr. Cooper. It's something to be proud of.

Don't you understand? I've lost the team.

Well, it's something for the next owner to be proud of.

Andy, you and Gus have come so close, I'm sure your papa realizes.

He must be proud of you. -It isn't Papa I'm worried about.

To him I'll always be a half a hero. It's Mr. Cooper.

I'm sorry we couldn't win it for him.

Well, here they go, Mr. Cooper.

Oh, good idea. I can't watch either.

I'm praying.

Oh. Well, if you're praying for rain, we've had plenty of that already.

I'm praying for a...

Fumble!

It's a fumble! -Andy, you and Gus get out there and do your stuff!

But we have to kick from the end zone, Mr. Cooper,

and Gus isn't too accurate over a hundred yards.

Kid, kid, just relax.

Be calm. Don't think about a thing.

Forget that an old man's life or death

depends upon this kick, and get out there!

Go, Andy! Go, Gus!

Holy Toledo! Look who's comin' in!

While you're down there, say a little

prayer, runt, 'cause when the ball's snapped,

I'm turning that spot into a Yugoslavian burial ground.

We've gone this far, Gus. Now we're going all the way.

Oich! Gus!

Go, Andy!

He fumbled. Oh, no!

Get it!

He's got it!

Go, Andy!

Yea!

This is my boy! He's real hero, huh?

Well, Gus, your other half stole the thunder,

but don't let it get you down.

Even the best of them slip once in a while.

Slip, Gus? Come on.

...the end...

On the USS Elias J. Starbright!

I'll do what I can. I'll send a full report of this meeting in...

...but I can't guarantee Pickle.

Stickle!

Good. I'll be at this same spot three days from now.

Left full rudder, all engines ahead full.

Wait till this hits the Navy department.

Harlock, you've either been drinking or you've got combat fatigue!

Believe me, admiral, this voice seemed to come right out of the water!

We haven't time for nonsense. We've got a war here.

- That's just it, admiral. - What is?

The voice... Whatever it is. It seems to be most efficient.

It led us to a Nai sub and directed our charges accurately.

All right, Harlock.

Let's say you heard this voice. And it did what you say.

What's your explanation for this phenomenon?

I don't know, sir. I only know that it's friendly and cooperative.

It wants to work with us.

Blast it, Harlock! We can't enlist a voice!

Why? It directed our depth charges correctly.

I'm not going on record as the admiral who was sent away...

...because he believed in voices from the ocean.

Why not delegate the responsibility to someone else?

There's nobody else cray enough to take it. Except yourself.

Oh, not me, admiral, l...

Maybe Machinist Mate Second Class Pickle... Stickle.

Who is he?

The voice asked us to bring Stickle out to meet with him.

Or it.

I think we can arrange a leave for you immediately. Take a good long rest.

Think what this means. It could spot submarines all over.

Within a year we could break the Nai U-boat threat.

All right, Harlock. We'll arrange for Stickle to meet with this voice.

Until we learn the nature of this device, it will remain top-secret.

- No discussion of it beyond this room. - Certainly, admiral.

Except between Stickle and yourself.

You're to shoulder complete responsibility for this secret weapon.

Commander, you've got to believe me! I know nothing of this.

I'm just a machinist mate second class...

I know all about you, Pickle. Uh, Stickle.

I hunted through half the Navy to find you.

- Yes, sir, but may I ask...? - You may not! I'll ask.

You have been summoned here by a voice from the sea.

- I have, sir? - Yes.

It claims to be your friend. Who do you know that might be down there?

I don't know anyone down there, sir. Maybe a buddy on a submarine.

It did not come from a submarine.

So help me, sir, I don't know anything about this!

When the voice hails us, you'll talk to it until we get a fix on it.

And destroy it if necessary. Do you understand?

Yes, sir. Yes.

Ahoy there!

Ahoy out there!

Did you hail us three days ago?

I did!

- Did you bring George Stickle? - He's here.

Say something, quick!

Talk, sailor!

Ahoy... Ahoy there!

This is George.

George Stickle.

Hi, George. This is Henry Limpet.

George! Did you hear me? This is Henry!

How are you, George?

Come on, sailor! For heaven's sake, get a grip on yourself! Keep him occupied.

Hello, Henry. It's good to hear you.

- It's impossible! Limpet is dead! - Just keep him talking.

We've got four other ships closing in on him.

This is a real surprise, Henry. Real!

Everybody thinks you're dead.

I'm not, George. I'm just... Well, a little different.

- Sure sounds like Henry's voice. - Sir?

Radar can't detect anything. There's no engine vibrations.

We do have a hydrophone fix on the voice.

- Hit him with light. - I've got to talk to you, George.

It's awful urgent!

George! George, why don't you answer me?

Turn that light off or I'll go away right now!

Secure that light!

That's better. Now, listen to me, George.

Have them put you in a little boat all alone, and come out here to meet me.

Break out a rubber life raft.

Rubber...?

Oh, no!

You can't make me...

You're the key to this mystery, Stickle. You have to go.

Don't worry, we'll give you a strong flashlight. Put him in the boat.

Henry, it's me. George Stickle.

I'm right here, George!

Where? Where, I don't see you.

- Don't turn that flashlight on. - No, no, no, certainly not, Henry.

You don't know how glad I am to see you, George.

Look, if you're really Henry, what are you doing out here in the ocean?

Remember when you jumped in the water after me at Coney Island?

I sure do.

Didn't you see a fish? A rather strange fish?

Well, no. No, I don't think...

Hey, wait. I did!

And I thought it was wearing glasses like yours...

...only I was so upset, it was just my imagination.

No, George, that was me.

You?! You, a fish!

If you were a fish, you certainly would need to wear your glasses, Henry.

If you'll pardon me now, I gotta get going.

All right, I suppose you have to see to believe.

You can turn the light on me.

Now do you believe me, George?

Excuse me a minute. Gotta go down for air. You know, a fish out of water.

No!

Oh, it's impossible!

Remember how you'd come over on Friday nights?

You and Bessie would play poker while I read myself to sleep?

That's right. Regular as clockwork, every Friday night.

How about the time the three of us went to the oo?

I got separated from you two. I had to walk home. Bessie had my cash.

Oh, yes, I'll never forget that.

Hey, wait a minute!

Only Henry Limpet would know all that!

- You are Henry! - Yes, George.

Is there...? Is there anything I can do for you, Henry?

Well, I wanted to talk to you about my helping the Navy.

- You, in the Navy?! - Yeah, I want to help.

I can help spot Nai subs or guide destroyers to them.

Maybe scouting around as an underseas patrol, or doens of things.

Sure, Henry. I see where you'd be quite a help to the Navy.

Speak to the Navy right away.

Go right to the top. I don't want to waste time on red tape.

Well, I want to know about Bessie. Is she all right?

She's still in a state of shock about your being drowned.

You can tell her now I wasn't drowned.

Gosh, Henry, you certainly do sound different.

- You really have changed! - You don't know the half of it.

Nothing like realiing your value to make a man out of you.

Even if that man is a fish. Tell me when there's word from the Navy.

Yes, I'll certainly do the best I can, Henry.

If we ever need you, we'll just use the oscillator gear.

- You think you can hear it? - I'll hear it.

I've stayed above too long. Wonderful talking to you. See you!

Goodbye, Henry.

A fish!

Harlock, you're cracking up.

We have to admit there's something out there.

Call it a fish, or a secret weapon, or whatever you wish...

...but it's there! Pickle, Stickle saw it.

Talked to it. And it's offered to help.

All right, Harlock. We'll assign this secret weapon to your ship.

- Let it help you if you think it can. - Thank you.

But please stop bringing these fantastic reports to me.

I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining this to the Pentagon.

- I understand. - And this is still top-secret.

Your secret, Harlock!

Yes, admiral. I was at the point of calling you about that secret weapon.

Oh, wonderful progress, sir, wonderful.

Research phase accomplished, operational testing underway.

Oh, one little thing, sir.

This mission merits our pushing through a rating for Stickle...

...and a promotion for Harlock. No, no, sir.

I wasn't expecting anything for myself. No, just doing my duty.

Of course, if you insist.

Vice admiral.

Hello, George. I heard the oscillator and got here as fast as I could.

- Good news? - Very good news, Henry.

The Navy has agreed to accept your services.

We've been assigned to Commander Harlock's destroyer.

- That's wonderful. - That's quite an honor, Henry.

- Very unusual for a civilian. - Very unusual for a fish too.

Here's the hydrophone.

Oh, a water-talkie. Thanks.

Limpet to Stickle.

Okay.

Henry. Now, hear this.

They'd like you to give the Navy a little assist.

Just hunt down Nai U-boats and lead us to them.

You'll be under my direct command.

- I'm your liaison with the fleet. - I like that, George.

It won't be necessary for you to salute me or address me as "sir"...

...even though I've been promoted to piscatorial specialist first class.

- Fine. Now, what's the first order? - They go on the prowl at 1:00.

- How do we keep in contact? - Signal me through the oscillator...

...and I'll signal you with my thrum. - Your what?

It's a remarkable sound I make now. Goes over big underwater. Like this:

Did you hear it?

Sure did. I'll pick that up, all right.

Good luck, Henry. And full speed ahead.

Aye, aye, George.

Drop your charges! Hurry!

The answer to Das Limpet.

With the thrum sound-maker.

The f�hrer's super-secret weapon!

The perfect Nai counter-weapon to blit the American underwater secret.

Our new beeper torpedoes will react to the thrum, and boom!

You're doing a very nice job. Captain Harlock is pleased.

I'm glad, George.

Isn't that a new rating you're sporting?

Yeah, they gave me this little promotion here.

Chief petty officer, you know.

Skipper too. He's a four-striper now. And Admiral Spewter, our big boss...

...he's moving right up there.

Congratulations. I suppose I'm in all the papers.

You? Well...

Well, no, you're not, Henry.

Why not?

You're top-secret.

- We can't let a thing like this out. - Yeah, I suppose not.

There's a couple of things I must talk to you about. Very important.

Gentlemen, this is the rendevous point for the mammoth convoy.

Captain Harlock's destroyer will assume a vanguard position there.

And the Limpet will be out in front of Harlock.

This convoy must get through safely. On its safe voyage depends...

...the Allies' greatest effort:

The invasion of Europe!

I'm Captain Harlock. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's rather urgent.

- It may change plans for the convoy. - Yes.

May I speak with Admiral Spewter? It concerns the liaison problem...

...with the secret weapon. - Yes, certainly.

Excuse me, sir.

The cruiser Los Angeles will be the guide.

Vice Admiral Jones will be the OTC and will fly his flag...

All right, Harlock. What is it? You interrupted an important briefing.

Stickle has relayed a request from the secret weapon.

I told you that was your responsibility.

I know, but I don't have the authority...

...to act on this unusual request.

- Now what? - He wants to be paid.

What?

Are you out of your mind, Harlock? How can we pay a fish?

He wants the pay sent to his wife in Brooklyn.

The fish has a wife in Brooklyn?

She's not a fish. She's a real woman.

I should've thrown you out when you came to me with this story.

All right, I suppose we can find some way...

...to push this through the paymaster's office.

- British screening units will deploy to their assigned ports...

There's more?

He also wants a lieutenant's commission.

No. Absolutely, no!

It's impossible to hold two meetings here at once. May I join yours?

I'm sorry. The news Harlock brought is disturbing.

If it concerns the weapon, I'd like to hear.

Our secret weapon wants to be paid. He wants a lieutenant's commission.

Then Admiral Spewter, I suggest you pay and commission him. Immediately!

Commission? But, sir, you don't understand.

I understand the secret weapon is the key to the safe conduct of our convoy.

I order you to commission the secret weapon personally!

Henry's here now, sir. You ready to begin the ceremonies?

Henry Limpet, this is to inform you that...

Sir. No, sir. He's over that way, sir.

I think you can see him out there. Port beam. You can see him, can't you?

I might if I cared to look.

- Limpet, raise your right hand. - Sir, sir...

Raise your right fin and I will now swear you in...

...Lieutenant Limpet.

A check for me? From the Navy?

What does it mean, George?

It's made out to you, but it's for Henry's services.

Henry? When was Henry ever in the Navy?

You better get a grip on yourself, Bessie.

He's in the Navy right now.

- Henry's alive? - Yes, but you see that...

I'm going to him. I'm going this minute.

- Now, Bessie. - Take me to him.

- Now, Bessie. - Why wasn't I told this before?

How long has he been alive? I mean, when did he...?

- He didn't drown? - No.

No, but brace yourself, Bessie.

He's changed.

You can't see him. You wouldn't want to.

I do want to. How can you say a thing like that? Why can't I see him?

It's impossible. His work for the Navy is top-secret.

Just be happy with his paycheck. Don't even mention his name to anyone.

- There's something fishy about this. - You said it.

A Mrs. Fish? What about a Mrs. Fish?

No. Not a Mrs. Fish, sir. Mrs. Limpet.

- The wife of the fish. - Spewter...

She's a forceful woman, headstrong and determined.

She demands that we change her husband back into a man.

Sounds like a most humane and reasonable request. Do it!

Do it.

I beg your pardon, sir. How do we do it?

- You claim he turned into a fish. - So I understand.

Then it's simple. Just reverse the process.

Reverse?

- We'll try, sir. - You'll do nothing of the sort.

We have a weapon of effectiveness.

Guard it with your life. Don't even touch it, understand?

Now, never come to me again with a request like that.

At a time like this. When we have a convoy on our hands...

...ready for the biggest push of the war.

If Bessie could see me now. Not bad for a 4-F fish.

The spearhead of the spearhead.

Imagine! This might make me a national hero.

My glasses. I must find my glasses.

The convoy. I'm losing the convoy.

Without my glasses, we're sunk.

Sunk? Just when the Navy needs me most.

Himmel and Blitels! It's that female Flatbush.

Ladyfish, got a message for you from Limpet.

He said he loves you and other such mush like that.

He loves me?

Oh, he loves me!

I don't love you, he does. Silly female.

Oh, Crusty, do you think he'll ever come back?

Don't get yourself into a tiy now, Ladyfish.

If I know Flatbush, he'll be back.

Listen!

Listen! It's him.

It's Limpet!

Ladyfish.

Limpet, I've never heard anything more beautiful than that noise you make.

Ladyfish, I'm in terrible trouble. I can't see.

Come along.

Any sign of him yet?

Not yet, sir.

He better show up soon or the whole operation will be snafued.

I'm not completely blind, but things are awful fuy.

Flatbush, what in tarnation...?

I'm in an awful predicament. I need some glasses, and...

I noticed you were missing some eyes.

I've got to get back to my convoy! But how will I find it?

I'll be your eyes. I'll climb topside and serve as your navigator.

The sound of the convoy will guide me, and with you navigating, why...

- I can't ask you to risk your life. - Risk my life?

Hold everything.

Maybe I ought to put on something more torpedo-proof.

- Ladyfish... - Limpet.

- I've got to go now. I'm on duty. - Does that mean you'll be leaving me?

Don't you care for me at all, Limpet?

But I have an important job to do before we can talk about that anymore.

Let's shove off.

- Then I'm going with you too. - You can't.

It's a very dangerous mission. Wait for me here.

All right, cast off. Full speed ahead.

No, hard aport. Full reverse.

Come about full, then steady as she goes.

I'll always wait for you, Limpet.

Slow down, gosh darn it. I ain't got the hang of steering you yet.

Haul up your keel!

Darned near shivered your timbers that time.

Dagnab it. Hey, Flatbush, wait!

Hold it! Wait!

He makes a...

A thrum.

Sorry, chief, no thrums.

Stickle!

Any contact with that piscatorial lieutenant pal?

- We're nearing enemy water, Stickle. - Sir, it's not my fault.

Maybe Henry has laryngitis.

Me and my secret weapon!

We've come quite a way. I still can't pick up any sound of the convoy.

Do you see anything?

No. Say, why don't you make that whale-busting noise of yours again?

- Let them know you're on your way. - I should've thought of that.

Just hold up a minute till I get inside.

I hear the convoy now. Dead ahead.

- Hooray, we finally made it! - Stop. Hold it. Hold it.

Whole school of big ones, coming dead at us.

Hard right rudder. Hard right.

They're attacking our convoy!

They're coming at us!

Stop making that whale-busting thrum of yours. Those things go for it.

Yeah, how about that? Then I'll just keep it up.

Follow me, you beeping devil.

We'll take it right back where it came from.

- What's happening below? - I don't know, sir. Might be Henry.

Something big is going on down there.

Them torpedoes pack a walloping thrum too.

Great! They hit their own boats.

We've got the system now. We'll just let them knock themselves out.

We gonna drop depth charges, skipper?

No, we don't dare.

Crash dive!

Help!

It's about time you showed up.

George.

I gotta talk to George Stickle.

George Stickle.

Henry!

Where have you been? You put me in a terrible spot when we lost contact.

I'm sorry, George. I had a little accident.

I lost my glasses.

Nice work anyhow, Henry.

I'll see Bessie when we get back and have her get you a new pair.

We'll meet at Coney Island when this is over.

Aye, aye, George. See you at Coney when it's all over. Carry on.

Limpet, you did come back.

Yes, Ladyfish. And you did wait.

- You're coming with me now? - No, but you're coming with me.

You see, I love you, but I don't know if I have any right to.

I've got to talk to my wife first.

You and I have to make a trip to Coney Island.

I can be your other eyes now.

Take over. I'm not going. I'd probably drown in all the slush.

Thanks for all your wonderful help, Crusty.

Forget it. I like the bachelor life.

So long, Flatbush.

Hate to admit it, but I'm gonna miss him.

Had to lose my best buddy to a frilly female.

Better get rid of this battle gear and get back to my civvies.

What if I told you I was once a human being?

I don't care how terrible your past was, Limpet.

I'll help you forget.

I've forgotten an awful lot already.

So long, Flatbush.

I'll never leave you, and I hope you'll never leave me.

It's always the males who leave in our species.

That's why there's so few of us.

In that case, there might be more before long.

You and I could be the beginning of a whole new and better world.

I know where we are now. Follow me.

There, that's my wife.

Not much to look at, is she?

Actually, for a human, she's quite lovely.

Let's get this over with, Limpet. The water here is very cold.

Hello, Bessie.

Henry, is that you?

Don't you recognie me, Bessie?

Henry, you really are...

A fish? Yes, Bessie, you can say it.

To think you're actually still alive, and I'm married to a...

A fish. Is that so terrible?

It doesn't happen every day.

Well, what's new? I mean, how have you been, Bessie?

Well, I'm...

I'm bewildered, Henry.

Henry, am I the widow of a man...

...or the wife of a fish?

Let's be logical. You couldn't keep me in a tub, could you?

I suppose not. No.

- I mean, what would the neighbors say? - I shudder to think.

You know how that Miss Harris objects every time I fry fish. Why...

Oh, good heavens.

Well, there you are.

Are you really happier down there, Henry?

If you only knew, Bessie.

I guess this is goodbye, Henry.

If you'll come up to the steps, I have something for you.

Take care of yourself, Henry.

Remember how you catch cold when you get your feet wet.

Don't break up, Bessie. I'm just fine.

Maybe I was meant to be a fish. Maybe nature just corrected her error.

Maybe.

Goodbye, Henry.

Goodbye, Bessie. And thanks for being sensible about this. And understanding.

- Goodbye, Henry. - So long, George.

Take good care of Bessie.

Tell them not to look for me. They won't find me.

Goodbye, Henry, I said. And I saluted.

I thought that was it.

Bessie and I have been happy. Why stir this thing up again?

The chief of naval operations ordered it.

Do they really think that Henry is teaching porpoises?

That's what we've been assigned to find out. You and I, Pickle. Stickle.

Where do we start to look?

Maybe that spot off the Florida coast where Henry first contacted you.

It's worth a try. Get the old man. He's going with us.

The secretary of defense ordered him to take command of this mission.

On behalf of the secretary of defense, and speaking for a grateful nation...

...I'm empowered to advance you to the rank of commodore...

...United States Naval Reserve.

And now, commodore...

...regarding porpoise activities...