All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm s10e10_English

Larry David is back
in the news again.

That's right, the co-creator
of Seinfeld

has returned
to his contentious ways,

this time in the retail arena.

Here's NBC's Josh Mankiewicz
with more.

Look, we've
all experienced
bad service before,

but for most of us,
there's not much
you can do about it.

Maybe write a negative
Yelp review,

or maybe you just don't
go back to the place.

But Larry David has chosen
a different path.

This is Mocha Joe's,

a small coffee shop
serving the Westside
of Los Angeles,

and this is Latte Larry's.

Why two coffee shops
right next to each other?

We went to the man himself
for answers.

I was wronged.
I was mistreated.

I ordered a cup
of coffee next door,

at this Mocha Joe's,
and, Josh,

the coffee is cold.

I politely asked for
another cup of coffee.

He banned me from the store.
I couldn't live with it.

So you're operating this place
just out of spite?

Yeah.
It's a spite store.

I called him an old, bald nut.
I mean, I cop to that.

But the guy comes in here,

complains about the tables,
complains about the coffee.

Do you have
wobbly tables?

Eh, one or two.
But what's the big deal?
You put your foot on it.

Nobody else is complaining.

If he apologized,

would you get out of
the coffee business?

If it was a deep,
heartfelt apology,

with maybe a little tear--

"Larry, my scones
are like muffins."

That would have to be
included, of course.

Okay, Larry says that
if you would just apologize...

-(laughs)
-...he could get out
of business.

Apologize? Me? Never.
A ban is a ban.

You ever think that
maybe the problem is,

you were complaining
too much?

I don't like
to tear people down.
I want to help.

Look, this pocket square
you got going, there,

it looks out of place.

That's for some
English dandy.

It's not
for a journalist.

You don't think
that's kind of insulting?

No, not in the least.

Hey, if you told me
you didn't like
my jacket or something,

well, I,
I wouldn't care.

Actually, I, I really
don't like your jacket.

Oh, is that so?

And while Larry was
the first to open
a spite store,

he's since started a trend
here in Hollywood,

with other celebrities
following suit,

like Jonah Hill,

who's now operating
a spite deli.

Hill: So, you know,
I used to go to Irv's Deli,

right next door,
two, three times a week.

And I found a hair
in my sandwich.

-Not your hair?
-No.

This was a gray hair.
It wasn't my hair.

And this guy Irv's going,
"Oh, it's yours."

And I'm, like,
what can I do, you know?

I, I can't sleep.
I'm taking four or five
Ambien to get to sleep,

'cause all I see is
this guy Irv's face.

-So what changed?
-What changed was
I had seen Latte Larry's.

The idea of a spite store's
such a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna open
a spite deli.

Mankiewicz:
What started off with spite

has now become
a passion project.

Thanks for dining
with us.

Three dollars?

And you're turning down
acting and directing gigs
for this?

What's left for me
in Hollywood?

Win some award
or something, you know?

Any time I see a customer
walk in here that used to
go to Irv's,

it's like my own tiny little
human Oscar walking in here.

So this is your life now?

I might actually open

a spite deli out in New York.

There was a spot
on 42nd Street

that was a bit disrespectful
that I'm looking at taking out.

Jonah Hill is not
the only celebrity
with spite on his mind.

This is Ray's Exotic Birds,

and this is Sean's.

It's become the place

to get a macaw,
or a hummingbird nester.

-(birds squawking)
-I had always wanted
a talking bird.

So I go to Ray,

just next door,

and he sells me the bird.

And the bird doesn't talk.
It just sort of grunts.

So I go back to return it.
He says, "No returns."

I said, "Bullshit."

'Cause he knew,
he knew it was a mute bird.

And I'm on a kind
of slow burn,

not knowing
quite what to do.

Then Larry opens up
the coffee place,

and it was like,
ding, ding, ding.

Sean's Exotic Birds.

It put Ray right
out of business.

Here, this is
a hyacinth macaw,
from Brazil.

Would you like
to hold him?

Sure.

Does all the time
you're spending here

take away from,
you know, acting?

I was never a very,
Zen sort of personality,

but I find myself very,
very calm now.

I think, you know,
it's the birds.

-(loud squawk)
-(screams): Shut up!

(squawks)

So the next time you see

two similar stores
right next to each other,

there's a pretty good chance
one of 'em's doing it
out of spite.

Savannah and Hoda,
back to you.

(theme music playing)

-Larry: Aah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Seiderman:
It hurts right there?

-Now we're gonna bend it.
-Anyway, the guy in
the motorized wheelchair,

he's on line at my store--

-Aah, that's plenty. Yeah.
-Right there. Okay.

And all of a sudden,
he gets beep panic,

-and rolls right into me.
-Seiderman:
Unbelievable.

Okay, so here's the bottom line
with your knee. Okay?

-Larry: Yeah.
-You have a tear
in your meniscus.

You know, if you want to fix
this thing once and for all,
you need surgery.

-Uh-huh.
-All right? I go in there,

I, uh, I repair the tear
in your meniscus,

you're back home
the very same day.

You'll be in bed
for about a week.

Okay, then we'll get
you on crutches.

Then after about two months
of intensive everyday rehab,

you'll be back to normal,
good as new.

-How does that sound?
-Not so great.

You could do
other techniques,
but you're gonna be

right back in this chair
in a few months, I guarantee it.

What if I got a...

second opinion?

-Why?
-Just to see...

what somebody else
might have to say about it.

If you want to get
a second opinion,
by all means.

It's your right.
I encourage it.

Oh, okay.
So we're cool, then?

Yeah, Larry.
I'm cool.

Get your second opinion.
Let me know how it goes.

You know, a lot of people
are gonna say to me,

"You should get
a second opinion."

So I can say, "Yeah.
I got a second opinion."

So it's just so you can
tell your friends you did it.

It's not even saying it
to my friends.

It's saying it
to my late mother.

Okay, while here in my head,

"Larry, what are you doing?

Get a second opinion.
Are you stupid?"

-Why do I need to hear that?
-Yeah, you don't wanna
hear that.

-No. Even though she's dead,
I need to shut her up.
-Got it. All right.

-Um, you can validate
your parking up front, there.
-(clattering)

Careful. Uh...

Hey!

-Larry!
-Larry: Joey!

-How's it going?
-Not terrible.

How's your, uh,
coffee shop doing?

-Doing quite well.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-You lookin' for, uh,
you know, any people?

-You're looking for--
-I, I am. I've been really
unhappy where I am,

-and I'm looking
for something new.
-Joey.

-You think I'm gonna
turn down a Funkhouser?
-Larry!

-Yeah, of course. Come on.
-Yeah, that'd be great.

Thank you, really. Terrific.
I can't wait to start.

-All right, well, maybe even,
uh, maybe even tomorrow.
-Perfect.

-Joey?
-Mm?

What's going on
over here?

Oh, I'm just waiting
for it to get hot.

You're waiting
for it to get hot?

-I don't think you
respect the drought.
-I do respect the drought.

-Do you respect
the drought, Joey?
-I do. I really do.

I do respect the drought. I--

-Whoa.
-What?

What?

-Woo! Whoa!
-Okay.

Joey!

Larry.

Yikes.

I mean, I support
your transitioning,

but you gave yourself
quite a large penis there.

Yeah, I wanted to,

you know, follow in
the Funkhouser tradition
of penises.

Can you handle, uh,
something like that?

-That's, that's enormous.
-It is, yeah.

But, I mean,
it seems like a lot
to, to lug around.

-No, it isn't actually.
-But--

You've tried it out
on some dames?

-I've had no complaints
about it. No complaints.
-No complaints.

Okay. All right.

-Enjoy your big penis.
-(laughs): I am.

-And, uh, you know,
go to town with it.
-Thank you, Larry. That's--

-We'll be in touch
about the store.
-Yeah. I'll call--

I'll call you,
and you just let me know

-when I can start.
I can't wait.
-Larry: Fantastic.

-All right.
Thank you, Larry. Okay.
-Excited to have you.

-Larry: Hey! Whoa!
-Look who I brought.

-Country club shit
right here.
-Yeah.

How you, uh, doing?
What's going on?

Uh, I just saw
Joey Funkhouser's
new penis.

-Who?
-Jeff: Marty Funkhouser's
daughter

has transitioned
into being a man.

-Oh, wow.
-Yeah.

Had the surgery,
and, uh, it's big.

-Leon: Mm.
-How big?

-Really big.
-Wow.

Yeah. He gave himself
a giant penis.

-Did you see
the balls?
-No.

Completely taken with the penis
that I didn't get to, you know,

look at the scrotum at all.

So wait a minute.
This is what happens
at country clubs?

White guys walking around
showing each other their
johnson?

No, no, no.
I saw it in the bathroom.

He was wearing
a terrycloth robe.

He turned
and the robe opened up.

People don't tie robes properly.

-Jeff: They do not.
-They're very cavalier
about a robe, you know?

You can't just fling
one side over the other.

-Cinch your robe.
-Cinch your robe.

-Leon: Right.
-I don't see how he can wear
underwear with that thing.

It's so big there's no way
he can fit in underwear.

-You can't.
-Right?

Everybody in the big johnson
community knows that.

You can't wear underwear.
I don't wear underwear.

-Larry: There's
a big johnson community?
-Of course there is.

We meet once a month.
We talk about the pitfalls
of having a big-ass johnson.

I've had several at the house.

You... You've had
a big johnson meeting
at, at the house?

When you're fuckin' out of town,
the whole community
shows the fuck up,

and we sit around the table,
and just talk.

-Do you have officers?
-Fuck, yeah, we do.

Who's the president?

My man,
Horse Cock Williams.

Look, I don't have
a big penis,

but I'd like to see if I could
join the big johnson community.

How are you getting in
the big johnson community

without a big johnson?
What--

I know somebody there
who could vouch for me.

What do you mean,
vouch for you? They, they,
they gotta look at it!

You can't just show up.
You gotta flash that
motherfucker at the door.

-Yeah. See?
-Well, what happens
if I get caught?

They'll throw you out of there
by your little-ass johnson.

Larry:
But maybe this would be
a good thing for Joey,

because it's way too big,
and he can't handle it.

I foresee...

big problems with that penis.

Big.

To be honest,
I always tell people

they can fix up the house.
I don't--

Hey, Larry!
(chuckling): Hey!

Larry David. Hey.

Great news.

I am the listing agent
of the house next to yours.

-Oh, really?
You're selling it?
-Yeah.

Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
(chuckles)

-Make some money
on that one, right?
-Yeah.

Okay. You know,
I should buy it myself,

so I can avoid
asshole neighbors.

-(laughs) I like that.
-You, you would never
buy it, would you?

It's a little bit out
of my, uh, prince range,
you know, right now.

Oh. That's good.

'Cause you're the
last person in the world

I want living next door to me.

Clients love me, Larry.

(Larry whistling)

-(whistling continues)
-(siren blaring)

(fire truck horn honks)

(horn blaring)

(siren continues)

(chuckling)

(indistinct chatter)

-Mm-hmm.
-How's the coffee?

-It's good.
-It's good.

Yeah. Good. You know,

it's interesting, 'cause,
uh, I was in my car earlier,

and all of a sudden,
I hear a siren,

and I look in
the rearview mirror

and there's a fire truck
behind me, and I...

Wow, a fire!
And I better get over
to the side of the road.

Those guys are really
in a hurry.

I pull over to the side
of the road, and it...
shwoo! goes past me.

And then I pull in here,
and I see the fire truck.

Where's the fire?

-(fireman clears throat)
-Larry: Where...

Where is the fire?

-We needed coffee.
-Oh, oh.

-We don't do it often.
-No.

-Like, it's not
a frequent thing.
-Yeah, no.

You abused your siren.

-Abused our siren?
-You're siren abusers.

I completely get it.
I had a handicapped
placard once.

And I could only imagine
what it's like to have a siren.

'Cause that handicapped placard,
that was fantastic.

Enjoy the coffee.

Hey!

-Look at this.
Joey Funkhouser.
-Hey, Larry.

-How you doing?
-Larry: Hey.

-So have you
shown him the ropes?
-Joey: Yeah.

-We're gettin'
it down. Yeah.
-Fast learner.

-Oh, yeah?
-The only question I have is,

where's the, uh,
the tip jar?

Oh, no. No tip jar.

-No tipping?
-No, that's,
that's demeaning.

It turns us into...
beggars.

-Yeah? You think?
-Yeah. We might as well be
outside with a, with a cup.

-Uh-oh. Know
what happens now?
-It's a-- What?

-No.
-(chuckles)

-Ah. Look at that, see?
-Ah. (laughs)

Oh, boy. This,
this is a big moment.

-Joey: That's it?
-Leon: Oh, the big moment.
Yes, indeed.

-Let's go to the back.
To the storeroom?
-Um-hmm.

-And get changed there.
-Okay. Great. Right.

Hey, as long as you're going
to the storeroom,

-show him how to charge
the, uh, the self-heating cups.
-Leon: Yes, indeed.

I kind of talked
Larry into putting up
"no lamping" signs

all over the fuckin' place.
People would stay
too fucking long.

♪ ♪

-Are you in line?
-What?

-Are you in line for coffee?
-Oh. N-No. No.

Sorry, we haven't met,
have we?

-No. Uh-uh. No.
-Okay.

No, we haven't.

♪ ♪

Okay. I'm Alice.

Um, I'm... Buck.

-Nice to meet you, Buck.
-Nice to meet you.

Leon:
Hey, Larry!
Where are the aprons?

They're behind the Purell!

Leon:
I can't find
the fuckin' aprons!

Are you...
Latte Larry?

-Yes!
-Oh.

Buck's my nickname.
That's what my friends call me.

How'd you get to Buck
from Larry?

I like to watch
a lot of Westerns.

What's your favorite?

Blue Skies Over the Canyon.

Well, I just moved
in the neighborhood, so...

-I'll see you around.
-Oh, great.

Um, hi. Can I get
a medium latte--

(continues indistinctly)

Larry:
You know, it's so crazy.

She's completely normal,
but she just doesn't seem
to remember... me,

or ever working for me,
or anything to do with me.

So she suffered memory loss
from the choking on the scone?

And that got me
out of the lawsuit,
the whole thing.

-(knocking on door)
-Oh, that's Tara and Will.

All:
Hey!

Oh, look, you're getting
bigger every minute!

-I know, I know.
-Oh, my God.
I have to touch it.

-(laughs) Please.
-Come on in.

-Hello.
-Tara: Hello. Hi.

I'm the Larry you've
heard so much about.

-Tara: Oh. (laughs)
-Susie: Yes.

-Tara: It's so nice
to finally meet you.
-Hi.

-How you doin'? Hi.
-Will.

Larry:
Will.

-Any minute now,
I think, huh?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Any minute.

-Oh, boy.
-Susie: Jesus.

You know, I impregnated
somebody once.

-Will: Yeah?
-Yeah.

We broke up
in the abortion clinic.

-How about that?
-Jeff: You've never
told me that.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-Jeff: Wow.

Just so you know,
while you're here,

-I don't know how
to deliver a baby.
-Okay.

How do you,
how do you induce labor?

Can you scare someone
into labor?

-I don't know.
-Larry: Is that possible?

-I--
-Uh, maybe it's possible.

I think it's something
we want to avoid.

Why would you
wanna do that?

A baby should come

when it's naturally
supposed to come.

Who needs Mr. Buttinski
over here?

It's a hypothetical.
It's just a hypothetical.

Let's say you had a bet
with a friend.

You see a pregnant woman
who, uh--

big pregnant woman
walking down the street--

you make a $50 bet
with this friend,

that you can induce labor
by scaring her.

You go into the bushes,
she's walking down the street,

and all of a sudden
you jump out. Aah!

-Uh, you in the bushes?
-Yeah.

For 50 bucks
you're going
in the bushes?

Yeah, but it's hypothetical.
See if you can induce labor.

Well, what happens if
she goes into labor?

-Yeah, what happens if you win?
-Susie: Yeah.

I, I'd drive her
to the hospital.

Okay, let's say you're
driving her to the hospital,

and along the way
to the hospital,

she starts giving birth

-in your car?
-Well, that's a problem.

You gotta really think
these hypotheticals out.

'Cause they always
end poorly.

Okay, I won't scare her.

-Jeff: Okay.
-Susie: Yeah, thank you.

So, I'm so glad you guys
finally came over.

-Sorry we're late.
-Yeah, that's--
that's on me.

I, you know, I refuse
to look at the phone,
and like,

I try and go off the watch.
I forget,

and it always, like,
runs a little late.

-Tara: Yeah, hard to guess it.
-You can't get that fixed?

I've tried,
but, you know,

-it always just, like,
goes back, you know?
-I know a guy who can fix that,

easily. He's, he's great.

-You sure?
-K.L. Jeweler, yeah.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, really?

I drive by there every day.
I can just bring it in.

-Ah, all right. Yeah.
-That's so nice.

I guarantee it.

Yeah, it's my
grandfather's watch.

Gave it to me, like,
right before he died.

Oh, yeah?
You should get it fixed.

And believe me,
if anybody can fix it,

-it's this guy. He's great.
-Tara: Oh, good.

-Will: I appreciate that.
-Susie: Aah!

Where are my manners?

You want something to drink?

That would be great.
I'm, I'm...

really craving ginger ale.

-Oh, we have ginger ale.
Right, Jeff?
-Tara: Do you?

I cannot stock up
enough ginger ale.
I love ginger ale.

Hey, how 'bout--
I'll get in on the ginger ale.

-You sure you got enough?
-Oh, no, we have tons
of ginger ale.

Susie:
Two ginger ales,
Jeffrey.

-Thank you, Jeff.
Thank you.
-Thank you.

So, um, do you know
the sex of the,
of the child?

We're gonna have
a little baby boy.

-Larry: A little baby boy.
How about that?
-Susie: Oh, so cute! Yeah.

Have you thought
about the, um,
the skin color at all?

-I'm sorry?
-Larry: You know.
The tone?

Would you prefer it's,
it's a, it's a little darker?

I would imagine you might
prefer it to be a little darker,

as opposed to lighter, no?

Well, I mean,
I've never even
thought about it.

-Larry: Huh.
-But, I guess like,
darker, I guess.

-Larry: Yeah,
I would think. Right?
-What?

Yeah, that makes sense.

-(laughs) Uh, I...
-What?

-You'd prefer him to be darker?
-Prefer it--

I mean, if someone's asking me,
like, if I had to choose,

-I'd say, like darker.
-Why are you choosing?

You'd probably like it
a little lighter maybe, no?

Tara:
No, I, I don't,
I don't think

I want my baby to be lighter.

I haven't thought
about that at all.

-I'm surprised that
you've thought about it.
-Oh, yeah.

I mean, well, I,
I hadn't thought about it,

but asked the question,
I mean--

I know, but what you
could have said,

I don't have a preference,

but you said you'd
prefer him to be darker.

-You don't have
a preference at all?
-No, I don't have a preference.

Say somebody put
a gun to your head.

Said, "Do you want you baby
to be lighter or darker?"

What would you choose?

Why is someone holding
a gun to my head
and asking me

-what shade I would prefer
my son to be?
-It's a hypothetical.

-Larry: I don't know, see--
-Why is somebody putting
a gun to her head?

He wants to--
He wants to find out
what your preference is.

So you're walking
down the street with Will,

and he snatches you into
the backseat of the car,

and now he's got
a gun to your head.

"Do you want a lighter
or a darker baby?

-What shade? What shade?"
-Get away from me!

What color is the guy
holding the gun?

He's mocha.
Right down the middle.

-Will: Right down the middle.
-Fifty-fifty.

-Do you want it
lighter or darker?
-(stammers): I...

I would say
on the lighter side.

-Ah.
-Will: Mm-hmm. See?

-So you have a preference.
-But I had a gun to my head.

You didn't have
a gun to your head.

We're sitting
in a nice living room.

We're getting ginger ales.

Will:
I'm proud to be black.
I think you'd be

-proud to be black, too.
-Oh, of course--

Okay, I'm sorry.

-I don't feel--
-I'm not wrong.

-I don't feel good. Okay.
-Okay. I'm--

-I'm so sorry.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-Thank you. Nice to meet you.
-Yeah. Thank you so much.

-Okay, thanks for coming.
-Will: Thank you very much
for your hospitality.

-Sorry about all this.
-Aw.

-Thanks for having us.
-Larry: I'll get that
watch fixed.

What the fuck is
the matter with you?

What?

Larry:
Let me ask you something.

What is so hard
about being a matador?
I don't get it.

-They have the cape, right?
-Right.

The bull seems to run
into the cape.

They don't run into the guy.

-How hard is it
to go like that?
-Right.

-Ow. Aah.
-Oh.

-It's right there.
-Yeah.

Here's the deal.

You do have a tear
in the meniscus.

But it's the outer edge
of the meniscus,

and that area will heal itself.

I think some rest,
some ice,

some ibuprofen. Uh,
I'd put you on a PT course.

Physical therapy.
You can come here,

or you can, um, have 'em
come to your home.

-Whatever
you'd like. Yeah.
-What?

What a relief. I just was
led to believe that I--

I was gonna need surgery.

-Oh. Were we a
second opinion?
-Yeah.

Do you mind me asking
who the, uh, other doctor is?

It's Dr. Seiderman.

Good doctor.

Oh, you know him?

We've crossed paths
a time or two.

Yeah.

You are gonna tell
the other doctor about me.

Yeah. I already did.

-Oh, you did?
-Yeah.

Did you mention me by name?

-No.
-Okay.

(sighs)
I don't know how
I'm gonna tell him.

(sighs)
It's gotta be done.

(siren blaring)

No patient in there?

No. No patient.

Just a lot of traffic.

Really. So you just
put the siren on?

-Yeah. Mm-hmm.
-Really?

Another siren abuser.

It's not abuse. I--

It's more of,
it's more use.

If word gets out

that all of you people
are just putting sirens on

to get to places faster,

nobody's gonna pull over
to the side of the road
anymore.

And then you know
what's gonna happen?

You're gonna have
some dead people.

-Gotta get these inside, sir.
-Ugh. Of course!

Enjoy your coffee.

Uh... (clears throat)

According to this doctor,
uh...

he said I didn't need
to get the... surgery.

No surgery.

He said I just needed
some physical therapy,

and some ibuprofen.

And everything will
just magically return
to, uh, to health, huh?

-Yeah.
-So, I think it's worth
giving a shot, no?

-And, uh...
-Yeah?

...who was the doctor?

Uh, Dr. Fuller.

-Mark Fuller.
-Yeah.

Hmm. Nice doctor.

Good energy.

I know how it goes.

-Well, good luck
with your, uh--
-Aw, come on.

(stammers): Don't...
don't be mad. Come on.

Mad? I'm not mad.
I'm just--

You're...
you're a little peeved.

Well, good luck
in your journey, Larry.

And, uh, I wish you
and your knee all the best.

I have a few patients
I need to see, so...

if you don't mind.

Okay, let's do the surgery.

No. I'm not, I'm not
doing the surgery, Larry.

-What? Come on. Come on,
we'll do the surgery.
-I'm not doing--

You'll get no surgery from me.

Nothing. Nada. Not a stitch.
Do you understand me?

I don't want anything
to do with you or your knee.

-Come on, I said
I'll get the surgery.
-No!

-Let me just get the surgery.
-There's no surgery.

-Don't be like that! I'm sorry!
-Like what, Larry? No.

-Sorry's not good enough.
-Why are you acting like
such a baby?

I'm the baby?
You're the one going around town
getting a bunch of opinions!

Okay, you know what?
I don't need any more
opinions, okay?

Just be on the record, though,
that I said I'd get the surgery.

-It's on the record, Larry.
Thank you.
-You don't wanna give it to me.

You blew it!
I don't know why I ever

went with you
in the first place.

You sicken me!
I'm leaving.

Okay?
And you'll regret it!

Dominic will validate
your parking at the front desk!

♪ ♪

Hi. Welcome to M.K.--

Hey.

-Larry.
-Mila?

-Yeah.
-What are you doing?

-What is this?
-This is my store.

What do you mean,
your store?

I opened up this store
because of you.

Get this, Larry.

K.L. Jewelers fucked me over.

I went in, I bought a watch.

I started wearing it,
I started noticing I was
late everywhere I went.

I would go to like,
a meeting, and I was,
like, five minutes late.

So I walked in,
I asked for a refund...

They said no.

Bastards.

So I said,
"Fuck you, K.L. Jewelers,"

and I opened up
M.K. Jewelers.

Spite store, Larry.

Because of you.

I can't tell you how--

-how pleased I am to hear this.
-Well, thank you.

-Anyways, Larry!
-Yeah.

-All right. Yeah.
-You came in here.
What's up?

-Well, I got this watch--
-Yeah.

I was gonna bring
it over there.

-Gone now.
-Gone now, huh?

-What are you gonna do?
-Here you go.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Fix it.

Well, I don't--
I don't do that, Larry.

You can't fix the watch?

No. Sorry.
I'm just here for spite.

-Mm.
-Yeah.

Jeff:
Will and Tara?

Still not talking.
Still not talking.

-All because of me?
-All because of you.

-Who cares what shade?
-Yeah.

What do you think, like,
ten years down the road
he's gonna go,

"You know, he was never
as dark as I wanted."

-(laughing)
-(chuckles)

-You know that's
never happening.
-Yeah.

Hey, you know what?
I still have his watch.

-You're kidding me.
-No.

I couldn't get it fixed. Look.

So now you gotta carry
that thing with you
everywhere you go?

-I gotta find a jeweler.
-Oh, jeez.

Hey, hey, fellas.

Oh, my God.

Frank:
You watch, uh,
Channel 5 news?

Well, there's a real smokeshow
who does the weather on there,

and, uh,
we had a date last night.

Mm. Where'd you go,
to the asylum where
she's staying?

Go fuck yourself, Larry.

I've never felt such antipathy
towards a bald man in my life.

-He's a shanda for the bald.
-He's a shanda for the bald.

(water running)

I'll be right back.

Larry:
Aha!

(chuckles)
There's the water police.

-Aha!
-Right on cue.

Larry: Look at this.
Disrespecting
the drought again.

I'm, I'm about to shave.

-Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
-Like you, you...

you'd need the hot water
with the shaving.

All right. Here's how you
save water when you shave.

-Yeah. Uh-huh.
-You put the water on,

you rinse the blade,
and then you turn
the water off.

-Right.
-Then you, then you shave
a little bit.

-Yeah.
-Then you put
the water on again.

You rinse it out,
you turn it off.

I appreciate
the shaving lesson.

-Is that how you do it?
-That's how I do it, yeah.

-All right,
that'll be $10.
-Yeah.

You know, I think
there are probably
better ways

to save water than
following me around
here.

-You're right, Joey.
You're 100 percent right.
-Exactly. Okay.

-(chuckles)
-(water running)

(toilet flushes)

♪ ♪

(Larry groans)

(indistinct chattering)

Larry:
So, um...

I found my watch...
(clicks tongue)

...on the ground.
It's broken.

I see that. That's,
uh, that's too bad.

Any idea
what happened to it?

-No. No idea.
-Ah, uh-huh.

-I'll tell you
what I think, Joey.
-Yeah?

I think you turned abruptly,
your robe opened up,

and you knocked it over
with your big penis.

That's what I think happened.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I knocked it over.
But it-- I just,

I just turned around,
and I, I hit it.

-Okay. Okay. Okay.
-I'm sorry, okay?

But I, you know, I told you
it's a tough thing to handle.

Accidents happen,
you know?

-Accidents happen. Hey!
-Yeah.

-No worries.
-Yeah.

-No worries.
And listen, Joey...
-Yeah.

-...if you ever knock anything
over again with your penis...
-Yeah.

...you can always
come to me.

Thank you.

Okay.

-And cinch that robe, Joey.
-Okay, Larry.

Uncle Freddy,
the Robust, uh, Select,

just the way you like it--
extra hot and sweet.

You're tremendous.
This is maybe

the best I've ever
had a coffee
brought to me.

-No. Come on. Thank you.
-You're killing it, here.

-Hey, Joey, do me
a favor, will ya?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-I knocked over some
beans in the storeroom.
-Oh.

-They're all over the floor.
-Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-See you later. Okay.
-You're killing it here.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-He's doing a tremendous job.
-Yeah, he's doing great.

-Speaking of Joey.
-Yeah.

Knocked a watch
off the bathroom counter

with his,
with his giant penis
at the club.

Can't repair it.
I knew that penis was
gonna cause trouble.

It was an accident, all right?
Did he feel bad about it?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Well, that's all that matters.

He's not used to
moving around with it.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-I can only imagine.

You gotta break some eggs
to make an omelet, right?

Gotta break
a couple watches to...

know how to handle
a big cock.

-Sure.
-Anyway, you're terrific.
Congratulations.

See you, Freddy.

-Hey!
-Hi, Buck!

Hi. Alice, right?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I will have
a cappuccino to go, please.

All right. Joey will
take it from here.

Thank you.

-Joey: Anything else?
-Um, how are these?
I've never had one before.

-Joey: Oh, the scones?
-Alice: The scone. Is it good?

Joey: Oh, I think
they're great.

-Joey: Mm.
-Mm.

-(Larry groaning)
-(Alice choking)

-Aah!
-(body thuds)

You!

-You!
-No! (stammering)

Larry:
No! I didn't do anything!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

-Are you okay?
-I think so.

-I'm Mocha Joe.
-I'm Alice.

Why don't you come inside
and sit down? I'll get you
a cup of coffee.

Okay.

♪ ♪

-Larry: Did you guys make up?
-I mean, kind of.

It's been rough.

-Yeah, we've been fighting.
-Oh. So sorry.

She's pissed at me.

-Have a seat.
-Here?

Yeah.

Will:
You know, like,
things you've said,

it's not like you
don't mean them,

it's just the type of stuff
you don't say.

You don't wanna
make her cry,

but at the same time,
you're also not wrong,

you know?

Eh-- Are you okay?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

And like, like,
race is always
gonna be an issue.

-Like, it's a part of being
in an interracial relationship.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.

Like, and then,
having a baby
is another--

-You good?
-Yeah. What is
this thing? It's like--

half-chair, half-couch.
It's a like a furniture centaur.

It's a daybed.

I hope--
(stammers): I... I never
want to blame hormones,

'cause then that's
just like a typical
overly masculine thing.

-Just sit down!
-Okay.

(sighs)

Oh, shoes okay
over there?

I'd rather
you didn't.

Thank you.

Let me try that again.

-(pillow thumps)
-Oh, fuck. Okay.

So, Larry, do you have my watch?

-I'm assuming that's
why you came over, yeah?
-Yeah.

So I brought it
into K.L. Jeweler,

like I told you
I was going to,

but it's closed up.

A spite store took him
out of business.

-Mila Kunis!
-These stupid spite stores.

Do you at least have it, then,
if you didn't get it fixed?

There you go.

-Larry, what the hell?
-Larry: So sorry.

What happened to this watch?

The giant penis of a recent
sex-change recipient

-knocked it
off the counter.
-What?

-I'm so sorry.
-I should've never
trusted you with this,

but I did. You took it,
and you got it broke.

-That's your fault.
-I'll take 50 percent
of the blame.

Fifty percent goes
to that penis.

Larry, this is an
irreplaceable watch.

-Yeah.
-My grandfather gave--
Stop squirming! Please!

-Sorry.
-This is my grandfather's watch.
I can't replace this.

I was gonna give it
to my son.

Just get a comfortable spot
and just stay there.

-Okay.
-(phone chimes)

-Oh!
-I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God.
Tara's having the baby.

-What?
-I, I gotta go.

Oh, hey, I'll drive you.

♪ ♪

Uh, excuse me.
Hey, uh, pardon me.

My, my wife is
having a baby.

-I'm Will Cooper.
-You're the husband. Come.

She's been asking about you.
Everything's fine.

-Okay.
-Larry: I'll be here.

-I thought I recognized you.
-Hey, Dr. Fuller.

-How we doing, Larry?
-Pretty good. Pretty good.
Oh, my God.

-The knee.
-Yeah?

It's, it's,
it's like a miracle.

So just the PT, yeah?

PT. Some massage.
Yeah.

-Do you mind if I,
I give it a squeeze?
-No, please.

-Fuller: Yeah, it's just
there's no swelling left.
-Yeah. Amazing, right?

Hi. How's it going?

-Oh, boy.
-Larry: Oh.

-Hey.
-Um...

-Ben.
-Dr. Fuller.

-Seiderman:
I know who it is. Yeah.
-Larry: Oh.

-Just getting out of surgery?
-Consultation, actually.

-Oh. Surprising.
-Mm.

What are you doing here, Larry?
Gettin' a third opinion?

-Fuller (mutters): Okay.
-Oh, come on.
Don't be like that.

-Don't be like what?
-He's getting around great.
He's happy.

-Oh, yeah?
You feelin' good, Larry?
-Yeah, I'm--

-Knees holding up?
-Yeah, look. You know,

-it's really good. Yeah.
-Look at that. Yeah.
We'll see if that lasts.

-Yeah.
-Um...

-Hey. Uh, any of
you guys know...
-Yeah.

...where I can get
a, uh, a watch fixed?

Yeah, my brother-in-law
owns a place on Pico.

-Really?
-He's the best in the business.
Thirty years' experience.

What do you,
what do you think?

-I actually have a guy, too.
-What? What do--

You think this dipshit knows
a better watch repairman

-It's always
so competitive with you.
-30 years of experience on Pico!

You know a better guy than that?

I know three guys
better than Goldblatt!

-Thirty years on Pico!
-The guy breaks watches
for a living!

-What do you know?
-Unbelievable!

He's the best in the business!

Mocha Joe:
You worked for Larry David?

Yeah. Um...

Yeah, for a little bit, and...

You know, he was just
so, like, weird and awful.

He was pervy about--
I have this tattoo here,
and...

he would always grab my hand,
and ask me what it meant...

Mocha Joe: It's just
the hand of Buddha,
with the Eye of Providence.

Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, well...
Sorry, I'm just like--

It's all kind of
coming back to me,

'cause I had a bite of
his scone, it was like,
crumbly and dry,

and it got caught in my throat.

They're terrible.
That's a scone.

-I can't wait
for you to try it.
-(laughing): Okay.

Oh, my gosh.
That's so moist.

-Right? It's supposed
to be moist.
-Yeah.

This whole thing
with the dry scone,
it drives me crazy.

-This is really good.
-(chuckles)

You think Larry David
knows anything about
making a scone like that?

I'm sorry.
Uh, did you say
Larry David?

Yeah, why? You know him?

-He's an asshole, right?
-One of the biggest.

Pull up a chair.

So. How do you know Larry?

Uh, from the club.
But we do not
get along at all.

Mocha Joe:
Welcome aboard.

-Oh, my God.
-Mocha Joe: What's wrong?

I just remembered I was gonna
sue him for sexual harassment.

Mocha Joe:
What?

-(baby coos)
-He's perfect.

-He's absolutely...
-Tara: He's so--

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Hey.

Look, aw, look at--
This is so exciting!

-Larry, uh, drove me.
-Oh.

He was a complete mess.
He never would have made it.

-Thank you for driving me.
-Thank you. We appreciate that.
Thank you.

Larry:
Yeah. Very cute.

-Tara: Oh, thank you.
-What's his name?

-It's Kwame.
-It's Kwame.

-Kwame.
-Both: Mm-hmm.

Nice name.

-Oh, thank you.
-Thank you.

-I think so, too.
-Yeah.

A little--
A little light
for a Kwame, no?

-What?
-A lot of names
to pick, but--

If he was a little
darker, maybe.

-Yeah, can you go, please?
-You need to get out.

-Will: Thanks.
Thank you for-- Shh, shh!
-(Kwame fussing)

Hey, any of you guys
want ginger ale?

-Larry, get the fuck out.
-(whispers): Got it.

You guys have
a good night.

You know,
if you wanna take off,
I can close up.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-You know how to do it?
-Yeah. Charge the cups,

turn off the lights,
lock the doors.

That's the one I always forget.
Lock the fuckin' door.

-(keys jangling)
-Leon: Hey. We got that big
johnson meeting tomorrow.

-Okay. Thanks.
-Leon: Don't forget.

-Pfft.
-(Leon harrumphs)

♪ ♪

-(soft smack)
-(cup thuds)

(door closes)

(beeping)

(flames whoosh)

-(siren blaring)
-Larry: Oh.

-(fire truck honks)
-Oh. Oh, really?

I'm on to you.
It's not gonna happen.

(horn blares)

Abuse that siren all you want.
I'm not pulling over.

(flames roaring)

(siren wailing)

-(horn blaring)
-(inaudible)

You guys make me sick!

(flames roaring)

(clattering)

(siren wailing)

(flames whooshing)

-(siren wailing, horn blares)
-Yeah, uh-huh.

(horn blaring)

Good luck!
Enjoy the coffee!

♪ ♪

Fireman:
Get a line on that fire!

Excuse me, sir.
You can't be this close.
It's not safe.

No, no. It's my store!

-Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
-Larry: What the hell?
What, what happened?

We won't know
until we've got it
under containment.

I just wish we would have
gotten here sooner.

Some asshole didn't
respect the siren.

Hey! Let's get a ladder up
and ventilate the roof.

Mocha Joe:
No! No! What happened?

Mocha Joe's!

-What did you do?
-I didn't do anything.

-What did you do?
-Hey, look, my store's
burning, too!

What do you think I did?
You think I burned
my store down?

First you open up
a spite store,

and then you burn
my store down? Huh?

I'm gonna sue you.

I'm gonna sue you
for everything you got.

When I get through with you,
you'll be broke!

-But I didn't do it!
-Oh, I don't give a shit
if you did it or not!

We'll let the judge decide!
You hear me?

-(exploding)
-(glass shattering)

♪ ♪

(indistinct radio chattering)

Sorry about your place.

(scoffs)
Unbelievable, huh?

We did the best we could.

Tried to break
one of the windows out,

get some more hoses
in there, but...

all the tables were bolted
to the floor.

Yeah, that's to prevent
the table from wobbling.

Oh, you, you did
that yourself?

Yeah, I don't like
wobbly tables.

And you had Purell
on every table,

which is an accelerant.

People love the Purell.

And the tables that
didn't wobble.

Normally in this situation,

if we can't break the windows
to get more hoses in,

we'd access the water
from the toilets,

but we couldn't find them.

-Yeah, there are no toilets.
-What?

Coffee's a diuretic,
and you don't have toilets?

Yeah, I didn't want any
defecating in the store.

We had urinals.

Where? I looked in there.

Oh, no. You gotta press
the button. That opens up
a chute.

-What, like a secret
compartment?
-Yeah, kinda.

And, uh, the ladies,
they, they hang from a bar.

-Yeah.
-I don't get it. I don't get
anything with this place.

Any idea how this started?

Yeah, it looks like it started
in the storeroom.

Someone knocked one of these
self-heating cups off a shelf,

it hit some papers, turned on,

heated up and
ignited the papers.

Joey.

I knew that big penis
was nothing but trouble.

I'm sorry, what?

I knew that big penis
was nothing but trouble.

Okay, I guess I heard
what you said.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Nah, it's a long story.

Anyway, if I was trying
to tell someone how
to burn a place down,

I would suggest every step
you took in your business.

So they're probably
gonna investigate you.

You did so many stupid things,
it looks like arson.

Arson?

♪ ♪

(distant music playing)

-(festive music playing)
-(lively chattering)

Mocha Joe:
Hey, Larry! Look!
It's Larry David!

Hi, Larry.

Mocha Joe:
I'm glad you're here.

You know, we never got a chance

to thank you for the house.

I mean, we love it.
We really do.

I mean, if it wasn't
for the insurance money,

-and the lawsuit settlements--
-Larry: Hey, you know what?

It's customary when
people have a party

to inform your neighbors
as a courtesy.

Right, right.
You're 100 percent right.
I'm sorry.

Hey, Larry.
We're having a party.

-Oh, we're having one
next week, too.
-That's right.

-What are we having?
What are we having?
-We're having a luau.

-Mocha Joe: A luau!
-Alice: Isn't that right, Bogie?

You know why?
Because that's what
spite houses are for!

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

(lively chattering continuing)

(theme music continuing)

♪ ♪