Original subtitles

[BELL RINGS]

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN *

* MONDAY'S CALLING YOU TOO EARLY *

* WHEN YOU'RE SOUND ASLEEP *

* BELLS ARE RINGING BY YOUR BEDSIDE *

* AND OUT IN THE STREETS *

* USUALLY MONDAY'S LONG ENOUGH *

* BUT THIS IS JUST THE START *

* TUESDAY'S JUST THE SAME AS MONDAY *

* WITHOUT THE SURPRISING PART *

* WEDNESDAY'S POINT OF NO RETURN *

* WHEN YOU'VE SQUANDERED ALL YOU'VE EARNED *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND **

HOW COME THE DOG GETS TO SIT IN THERE

WHILE WE'RE FREEZING OUT HERE?

IT'S CRUEL TO LET HIM OUT.

HE'S JUST A DUMB ANIMAL.

NO, DAVE, WE'RE THE DUMB ANIMALS.

KEEP IT RIGHT THERE.

OVER TO THE SIDE.

YEAH, YEAH, STAY BACK.

A LITTLE HELP!

COME ON, COME ON, RIGHT OVER HERE.

WHERE WERE YOU ON THE STAIRWAY, ASSHOLE?

I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

OH, YEAH, LOOKING FOR ME.

THIS IS MY KIND OF NIGHT, DAVE.

THE WIND-CHILL FACTOR'S 10 BELOW ZERO,

THAT BUILDING'S AN INFERNO,

MY STOMACH'S A GODDAMN VOLCANO,

AND I GOT AN ICICLE SNOT HANGING FROM MY NOSE.

THIS IS MY LAST FIRE. I'M HANGING UP MY HOSE.

BULLSHIT, JACK.

I'VE HEARD THAT A THOUSAND TIMES.

BULLSHIT? OH, YEAH?

READ THIS, PAL, AND WEEP.

"PARADISE FOR PENNIES, A GARDEN OF EDEN,

"BUILT ON A SECLUDED LAGOON

"WITH PRIVATE DOCK AND SPEEDBOAT INCLUDED.

CONTACT MR. BANKS, SAINT NICHOLAS."

WHERE THE HELL IS SAINT NICHOLAS?

IN THE ISLANDS, DAVE.

WHICH ISLANDS?

NICE, WARM ISLANDS.

[EXPLOSION]

MY BABY!

DON'T WORRY. EASY NOW.

PLEASE GET MY BABY!

DAMN IT. HAND ME THAT CROWBAR.

ONCE YOU'RE IN THERE,

LET ME KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

WHERE'S HE GOING? GET IN AFTER HIM!

AW, SHIT!

[RUFF]

[RUFF RUFF]

[GROWL]

COME ON, BABY. IT'S ME, JACK.

COME ON.

[GROWL]

COME ON, BABY.

OH, HO! YOU WANT TO PLAY.

YOU FURRY PIECE OF SHIT.

[RUFF RUFF]

GET THE NET!

COME ON, BABY.

[RUFF RUFF RUFF]

COME ON, BABY.

GO GET IT!

[CROWD CHEERING]

AAH! AAH!

JACK! JACK!

OH, JESUS!

JACK!

DAVE.

JACK.

DAVE.

I'M HERE, JACK.

I QUIT.

JACK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

[SIREN]

SHIT.

JACK?

JACK?

* I THINK I'M SOPHISTICATED *

* 'CAUSE I'M LIVING MY LIFE LIKE A GOOD HOMO SAPIEN *

* BUT ALL AROUND ME EVERYBODY'S MULTIPLYING *

* AND THEY'RE WALKING ROUND LIKE FLIES, MAN *

* SO I'M NO BETTER THAN THE ANIMALS *

* SITTING IN THE CAGES IN THE ZOO, MAN *

* 'CAUSE COMPARED TO THE FLOWERS *

* AND THE BIRDS IN THE TREES *

* I AM AN APE MAN *

* I THINK I'M SO EDUCATED, AND I'M SO CIVILIZED *

* 'CAUSE I'M A STRICT VEGETARIAN *

* BUT WITH THE OVERPOPULATION AND INFLATION AND STARVATION *

* AND THE CRAZY POLITICIANS *

* I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN THIS WORLD NO MORE *

* I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A NUCLEAR WAR *

* I WANT TO SAIL AWAY TO A DISTANT SHORE *

* AND MAKE LIKE AN APE MAN *

* I'M AN APE MAN, I'M AN APE, APE MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I'M A KING KONG MAN, I'M A VOODOO MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* 'CAUSE COMPARED TO THE SUN THAT SITS IN THE SKY *

* COMPARED TO THE CLOUDS AS THEY ROLL BY *

* COMPARED TO THE BATS AND THE SPIDERS AND FLIES *

* I AM AN APE MAN *

* I'M AN APE MAN, I'M AN APE, APE MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I'M A KING KONG MAN, I'M A VOODOO MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, BUT I CAN'T SEE THE SKY *

* THE AIR POLLUTION IS A-FOGGIN' UP MY EYES *

* I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS CITY ALIVE *

* AND MAKE LIKE AN APE MAN *

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA *

* A-COME ON AND LOVE ME *

* BE MY APE-MAN GIRL *

* AND WE BE SO HAPPY *

* IN MY APE-MAN WORLD *

* I'M AN APE MAN, I'M AN APE, APE MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I'M A KING KONG MAN, I'M A VOODOO MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I'LL BE YOUR TARZAN, YOU'LL BE MY JANE *

* I'LL KEEP YOU WARM, AND YOU'LL KEEP ME SANE *

* WE'LL SIT IN THE TREES AND EAT BANANAS ALL DAY *

* JUST LIKE AN APE MAN *

* I'M AN APE MAN, I'M AN APE, APE MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I'M A KING KONG MAN, I'M A VOODOO MAN *

* OH, I'M AN APE MAN *

* I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN THIS WORLD NO MORE *

* I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN A NUCLEAR WAR *

* I WANT TO SAIL AWAY TO A DISTANT SHORE *

* AND MAKE LIKE AN APE MAN **

OH!

AHH!

[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

LIMBO TIME, EVERYBODY!

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

HA HA!

DO YOU MIND, JACK?

IT'S AWFULLY LOUD, ISN'T IT?

AWFULLY LOUD. SORRY.

JACK, THIS IS CAPTAIN TOBY PROOTH AND PHILLIPA LLOYD.

THEY JUST CAME IN FROM ANTIGUA.

TOBY HAS A BEAUTIFUL SLOOP.

YES, HE DOES.

ARE YOU CAST OR CREW?

STRICTLY CREW.

AND YOU KNOW THE GOVERNOR.

THE FORMERLY HONORABLE ANTHONY CROYDEN HAYES.

YOUR EXCELLENCY.

ARE YOU STILL HERE?

YOU REMIND ME OF A STRANGE VEGETATION

THAT POPPED UP AND CAN'T GET RID OF.

IT'S JUST BEEN FIVE MONTHS.

I'M HAVING FUN.

THE INSTANT YOU BLOODY TOURISTS

GET YOUR PINK FEET INTO SOME SAND,

YOU GIVE UP THE DRY CLEANING BUSINESS IN CLEVELAND

AND MOVE TO THE ISLANDS.

ARE YOU IN THE DRY CLEANING BUSINESS, MR. MONIKER?

FIREMAN, SIR.

CHICAGO FIREMAN. RETIRED.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

THERE'S A SMASHING YACHT CLUB IN CHICAGO.

YACHTING'S TOUGH IN CHICAGO.

THEY SHOOT AT YOU FROM THE SOUTH SHORE.

YOU HAVE A NICE, STEADY VIOLENCE IN THE STATES.

VERY PREDICTABLE.

IN THE JUNGLE, IT'S LONG, TEDIOUS PERIODS

OR SWELTERING DOLDRUMS

PUNCTUATED BY THE OCCASIONAL BLOOD BATH.

I THINK WE'RE DUE FOR ONE.

DON'T START THOSE WILD RUMORS

ABOUT REVOLUTION AGAIN.

IT HAPPENED IN KENYA, DIDN'T IT?

THEY MADE THOSE FAT BURGHERS

DRINK BLOOD FROM A SEVERED SHEEP'S PENIS,

THEN HACKED THEM TO PIECES WITH MACHETES.

IT ISN'T BAD AS ALL THAT.

THERE AREN'T ANY SHEEP ON SAINT NICHOLAS.

I HEARD ABOUT THIS GUY IN CICERO.

HE STIFFED A LOAN SHARK,

SO THESE GUYS GOT HIM,

CUT OFF HIS ARM, KILLED HIM WITH IT,

THEN SHOVED IT INTO A BLENDER AND MADE DIP.

THEY SERVED IT AT HIS SISTER'S WEDDING.

THE SISTER LOVED IT AND WANTED THE RECIPE.

CRAZY WORLD, ISN'T IT?

YOU TWO ARE A CHEERFUL PAIR.

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

UNLIKE YOU, I HAVE NOT SPENT MY LIFE

CRUISING FROM DISCOTHEQUE TO DISCOTHEQUE

WITH MY ASS HANGING OUT OF A FRENCH-CUT BATHING SUIT.

YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN.

I SUSPECT YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M STOPPING BY THE CLUB PARADISE LATER.

WE HAVE OTHER PLANS.

I BET YOU DO, YOU PARTY COSSACK.

BE CAREFUL. SOMEWHERE ON THIS ISLAND

THERE'S A DOLL WITH YOUR FACE.

VOODOO TA-TA. TAKE CARE.

* WAI-O WAI-O *

* SO PATI SUKI LAY *

* WAI-O WAI-O *

* SO PATI SUKI LAY *

* WAI-O WAI-O *

* SO PATI SUKI LAY *

* ANAKO *

* MIAKRA *

* KARESA MOSI LAY *

* ANAKO *

* MIAKRA *

* KARESA... *

MR. MONKEY!

AH, MISS PANSY.

BLESS YOU, GIRL.

NO PROBLEM.

EBOTINE.

IRIE.

JADE.

YEAH, MON.

WHISKEY.

YANNA.

RADICAL.

YES, MON.

EVENING, GIRLS.

* AND DON'T YOU BE SURPRISED *

* STAY CLEAR, MY SWEET THING *

* HE'S GOT FIRE IN HIS EYES *

* SO WAI-O WAI-O *

* SO PATI SUKI LAY *

* WAI-O WAI-O... **

HELLO AGAIN.

HELLO. BUG SPRAY?

NO THANKS. THEY DON'T BOTHER ME.

THEY WILL.

TAKE IT FROM ME. I'M ISLAND JACK.

REALLY? WHAT ISLAND ARE YOU FROM?

ELLIS, ORIGINALLY.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

AFTER YOU LEFT, THEY SAID YOU WERE A SMUGGLER.

NO, I'M A SNUGGLER.

AH.

ACTUALLY, I LIVE OFF AN INSURANCE SETTLEMENT

FROM THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

FRAUD?

NO. INJURY.

PERMANENTLY DISABLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY.

YOU SEEM FIT ENOUGH.

BUT INSIDE, I'M A MESS.

I DON'T DOUBT IT.

WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE?

YEAH. WHY NOT?

I THINK WE'D BETTER SIT THIS ONE OUT.

THANK YOU.

I TOLD YOU I WAS INJURED.

PHILLIPA.

CAN WE LEAVE? THIS PLACE IS ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY.

THIS IS THE FINEST HOTEL ON THE ISLAND.

IMAGINE TRYING TO RUN A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL HERE.

TRY AND FIND A DECENT CHEF.

NO NATIVE'S GIVEN A DECENT DAY'S WORK

SINCE THEY OUTLAWED FLOGGING.

OH, REFRESHING OUTLOOK.

SEE YOU'VE MADE CONTACT.

MR. REED, MISS PHILLIPA LLOYD,

MR. TOBY PROOTH.

MR. REED IS THE OWNER OF CLUB PARADISE.

TOBY WAS REMINISCING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS--

FLOGGING, SLAVERY,

HONEST DAY'S WORK FOR AN HONEST DAY'S BEATING.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.

PHILLIPA, REALLY, CAN WE GO?

I FEEL A HEADACHE COMING ON.

I FEEL ONE LEAVING.

YOU RUN ALONG. I'LL STAY.

SUIT YOURSELF.

SEE YOU IN THE 17th CENTURY.

WILL YOU JOIN US?

THANK YOU.

HEY.

HELLO.

THIS IS MISS PHILADELPHIA.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME IN SAINT NICHOLAS?

* LOVE THE MONEY MORE THAN PEOPLE... **

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MR. GUNDY?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, ERNEST.

NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO, MR. GUNDY.

ERNEST, I COME TO YOU TONIGHT

BECAUSE I'M DEEPLY, DEEPLY CONCERNED.

WHEN I BECAME PRIME MINISTER OF SAINT NICHOLAS,

I TOLD YOU TO COME TO ME

IF YOU HAD ANY PROBLEM.

NOW, AS MINISTER OF FINANCE

AND MINISTER OF TOURISM,

I LEARN THAT YOU ARE DELINQUENT IN YOUR TAXES

TO THE AMOUNT OF $6,000,

AND YOU HAVEN'T PAID YOUR FOOD TAXES,

VIOLATIONS OF THE TOURISM CODES,

AND REPORTS OF GANJA BEING SMOKED ON THESE PREMISES.

HOW CAN THIS CONTINUE?

DIVINE JUSTICE, MR. GUNDY.

LIFE IS FULL OF MIRACLES.

IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A MIRACLE.

LISTEN TO ME, ERNEST.

THERE IS A NEW WIND BLOWING ACROSS SAINT NICHOLAS.

I SMELT IT.

YOU ARE TRYING TO BUSINESS ME OUT OF HERE.

IF YOU'RE NOT DRINKING, THEN YOU BETTER BE GOING.

BE STILL.

STAY.

GET THEM.

TWO WEEKS.

THEN I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE A CIGARETTE BUTT.

AND I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU,

MR. HOOK-AND-LADDER MAN.

FIREBALL!

EASY.

DON'T GO OUT THERE WITHOUT A MACHINE GUN.

YOU NEED A LAWYER.

I NEED MONEY.

COOL VIBES, EVERYONE.

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

OH, THE USUAL--

CORRUPTION, INJUSTICE.

* IN THIS WORLD OF COMPETITION... **

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MY FRIEND'S BEHIND ON HIS TAXES--

ABOUT 300 YEARS BEHIND.

HE'S GOING TO LOSE THE CLUB.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A GREAT BEACH.

WITH SOME PAINT,

SOMEBODY COULD MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THAT.

WITH SOME MATCHES,

I COULD MAKE IT A GOOD INSURANCE FIRE.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY AMBITION?

SURELY YOU MUST WANT SOMETHING OUT OF LIFE.

YEAH.

GET OFF.

* BRIGHTEST STAR *

* SHINE ON, STAR *

* BRIGHTEST STAR... **

CLEVELAND, GET YOUR THUMB

OUT OF MY SOUP.

GO CHANGE THE GLOVES.

I TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES.

THIS NOISE. IS HE ANY GOOD?

HE'S REAL GOOD.

HE'S REAL LOUD.

ERNEST! GREAT! STOP!

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

COME ON DOWN, AND WE'LL TALK.

YOU GUYS ARE GOOD.

VERY HIP. TOO HIP.

YOU CAN'T BE TOO HIP, MR. ZERBE.

THE CROWD LIKES YELLOW BIRD IN A BANANA TREE.

I CAN GET GUYS PLAYING GARBAGE CANS,

AND THEY'D BE HAPPY.

BUT YOU GUYS, YOU'RE TOO POLITICAL.

I GOT MORE SONGS.

A GUY WHO JUST PAID $32 FOR BAD VEAL

DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW THAT THE BAND IS ANGRY.

PLAY AT YOUR CLUB. HOW'S IT GOING THERE?

THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE MY HOTEL.

THAT IS NOT A HOTEL.

THIS IS A HOTEL.

MARLIN PERKINS WOULD BE AFRAID

TO GO IN YOUR PLACE.

YOU SHOULD SELL IT TO ME.

A GUY LIKE YOU IN NEW YORK WITH MONEY?

FORGET IT.

TAKE MY ADVICE. SELL IT.

I'LL SAY THIS, MR. ZERBE.

YOU GOT STYLE.

BUT IT'S NOT FOR ME.

WELL, THINK IT OVER.

I GOT TO GO.

SO GOOD LUCK.

SEE YOU AROUND.

SO THIS IS MY ROOM.

HMM. VERY NICE.

MMM.

THIS IS STILL MY ROOM.

AND THIS...

IS THE GUEST BEDROOM.

OH.

IT'S FOR RENT, YOU KNOW?

INEXPENSIVE.

VERY CHEAP.

IN FACT, FREE.

I'LL PAY YOU.

IF I WANTED TO BE KEPT,

I'D PICK SOMEONE WITH BETTER PROSPECTS.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A FUTURE PARTNER

IN CLUB PARADISE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STUCK IN YOUR RETIREMENT FANTASY.

I'VE GOT LOTS OF FANTASIES.

YOU WEARING JUST SOCKS.

ME RUNNING A CLUB IN THE TROPICS.

PEOPLE COMING FROM ALL OVER.

TOILETS BACKING UP, GUESTS COMPLAINING, CHECKS BOUNCING.

THIS IS THE THIRD WORLD.

THAT'S ALWAYS BOTHERED ME

ABOUT THE THIRD WORLD.

WHERE ARE THE OTHER TWO WORLDS?

COME ON, PHILADELPHIA, STAY HERE.

HAVE A DECENT JOB. WORK FOR ME.

BUT TOBY'S SAILING TO MARTINIQUE.

I'M MEANT TO GO WITH HIM.

DARLING, FORGET TOBY.

HE HAS THE WARMTH OF A SNOW PEA.

LIVE HERE. YOU CAN LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WISH.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO MAKE LOVE TO ME,

BUT YOU'LL WANT TO.

OH, REALLY?

MAYBE NOT RIGHT AWAY.

IT MIGHT BE FUN FOR A WHILE, BUT--

FUN IS NOT EVEN THE WORD FOR IT.

WE ARE TALKING A MAJOR LIFE EXPERIENCE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

NO, NO, NO.

I'M TALKING MAJOR PASSION.

AND I'M OVERWHELMED.

I'M TALKING TIME-AND-A-HALF FOR OVERTIME,

PLUS MEDICAL...

DENTAL.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

* OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH *

* HEY *

* NO MAN IS AN ISLAND, JACK *

* YOU COULD BE TOUGHER THAN A ROCK *

* ONE AND ONE'S GOT TO MAKE CONTACT *

* TO GET ON THE RIGHT TRACK, YEAH *

* WHEN YOU SEE IN YOUR LIFE SOMETHING MISSING *

* AND FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU'RE WISHING *

* THERE'S A PLACE YOU CAN GO *

* WHERE THE VIBES ARE NICE *

* JUST LIKE PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE *

* CLUB PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE *

* GIVE ME STUFF *

* ISLAND JACK SAID HE AIN'T GOING BACK *

* TO THE U.S.A. *

* JUST RUB THAT COCONUT OIL ON HIS BACK *

* SAID HE'S HERE TO STAY *

* 'CAUSE HE'S FOUND IN HIS LIFE WHAT'S BEEN MISSING *

* AND FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS HE'S BEEN WISHING *

* SAID, "YOU'LL FIND ME WHERE" *

* "THE VIBES ARE NICE" *

RANDY, I THINK THIS IS THE PLACE.

O.K.

THAT'S IT?

YEAH. ISN'T THAT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO?

AND LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT BUFFET.

"HOT BUFFET." I SAY LET'S GO.

MY UNCLE AND I ARE GOING TO THE ISLANDS.

WANT TO COME WITH US?

I GOT THIS BROCHURE ON MY DESK

ABOUT A PLACE CALLED SAINT NICHOLAS.

YOU EVER HEARD OF IT?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?

IN THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE.

OH! COULD WE GO?

GIRLS!

GET BACK TO WORK!

SORRY.

* CLUB PARADISE *

* HAPPY, HAPPY PARADISE **

THIS IS EXCITING.

I LOVE SMALL PLANES.

CAN YOU ASK HIM HOW MUCH LONGER

WE'LL BE CIRCLING?

IT'S HIS BUSINESS.

HONEY, JUST ASK HIM.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW MUCH FARTHER IS IT?

A COUPLE MORE INCHES.

IF I COULD FIND A HOLE.

FIND THE ISLAND!

THERE'S A BREAK IN THE CLOUDS.

I'M GOING FOR IT!

AAH!

WE'RE OUT! NOW WHERE THE HELL'S THE AIRPORT?

ISN'T THAT THE RUNWAY?

IF THAT RUNWAY WAS SHORTER,

IT'D BE A PATIO.

JUST LAND THIS PLANE!

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

STALL OUT!

STALL OUT!

AAH!

OH! AAH!

OH!

AAH! OH!

AAH!

OH!

AAH!

OH! AAH!

OH!

I DON'T HEAR ANY ENGINES.

MAYBE IT'S A GLIDER.

[SCREECH SCREECH]

OH! WOOH!

[SCREECH]

OH!

[SCREECH]

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU

AND ASK THAT YOU REMAIN SEATED

WITH YOUR SEAT BELTS FASTENED UNTIL...

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

BRAKE PRESSURE!

[SCREECH]

BUSHES!

OH! OH!

ALL RIGHT!

O.K.! YAH-HA!

I MADE IT! I MADE IT!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I MADE IT! HEY, HEY!

O.K.!

REMIND ME TO GET A NEW PILOT.

YOU BET.

1, 2, 3, SHOWTIME.

WHAT IS IT? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ATE A GHOST.

SOMEONE PAID HIS TAXES.

WHO?

THE FIREMAN.

MONIKER.

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS MONIKER?

SOL, LET'S NOT BLOW THIS THING.

YOU GOT TO GET THEM OUT OF THERE.

I WILL CHEW ON THEIR LIVERS.

I HATE LIVER.

RELAX. THEY'LL BE GONE IN NO TIME.

IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN SOME PAINT

TO TURN THAT PLACE AROUND.

COME ON.

YOU ENJOY THE TRIP?

NO, I DIDN'T.

WELL, YOU'LL FIND WHEN YOU TRAVEL A LITTLE BIT MORE

THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT IN THE THIRD WORLD.

I TRAVEL A LOT.

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU DO?

I REVIEW RESORTS AND HOTELS

FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES TRAVEL SECTION.

AHH!

ENJOY.

HEY, RED, YOU WANT TO JOIN US FOR A COLADA?

FRANKLY, I'D RATHER BE DRAWN AND QUARTERED.

OOOH. HA HA HA!

KINKY.

DRAWN AND QUARTERED. WE'LL NEED TWO OTHER GUYS.

FORGET HER. SNOB CITY.

THE GOOD KNISH IS ALREADY ON THE BEACH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GOT TO GET A TAN.

AH. DYNAMITE RAYS, MAN.

DYNAMITE RAYS.

I'M GOING TO BE SHVARTZ IN TWO MINUTES.

THIS LATITUDE IS GOOD FOR ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THOSE TWO OVER THERE?

THEY LOOK NICE.

FORGET NICE. MY MOTHER'S NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

YOU TOLD ME TO LOOK.

DON'T STARE AT THEM. THEY'LL COME TALK TO US.

WHERE'S YOUR SUBTLETY?

WHERE'S YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE?

PUTZ.

THOSE HAIRY GUYS ARE LOOKING AT US.

JACKIE, THERE'S MORE TO DO HERE

THAN TO WAIT FOR STRANGE GUYS

TO TALK TO US.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO THEM.

HI.

COULD YOU PUT SOME LOTION ON MY BACK?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HANDS GREASY.

WE MAY GRAB A SANDWICH.

MAYBE LATER ON.

MUCH LATER.

O.K. SEE YOU LATER.

HAVE FUN.

BE NICER.

IF WE HAVEN'T SCORED BY THURSDAY,

THEY'LL START LOOKING GOOD.

WELL, WHAT DID THEY SAY?

OH, THEY'RE KIND OF SHY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

RANDY, THERE'S NO WATER.

OH, LOOK.

THE TOWELS ARE STOLEN FROM OTHER HOTELS,

AND THERE'S NO SOAP, NO COMPLIMENTARY SHAMPOO,

NO COMPLIMENTARY SEWING KIT,

NO SHOWER CAP.

IT'S THE SAME ROOM, ALL RIGHT.

MUST HAVE SHOT IT WITH A WIDE-ANGLE LENS.

MAYBE A FISHEYE OR SOMETHING.

IT'S HUGE IN THE PICTURE.

I'LL SUE HIM.

RANDY, THIS PLACE ISN'T AIR-CONDITIONED.

I DON'T SEE ANY SWITCHES, NO VENTS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

NOT A WORD ABOUT AIR CONDITIONING.

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.

RANDY, YOU DO NOT SAVE A MARRIAGE

WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING.

OH, GOD.

OH.

DO YOU NEED TO TAKE A LEAK?

HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

OH.

IS EVERYTHING SATISFACTORY?

NO, NOT REALLY.

WE JUST OPENED UP.

STILL IRONING OUT THE BUGS.

YOU'LL FIND MOST OF THE BUGS IN MY ROOM.

WELL, WE'LL HAVE THEM IRONED OUT IMMEDIATELY.

BUT IT SAYS "PRIVATE" RIGHT HERE.

IT'S WRONG.

I KNOW THAT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

PANSY BROWN, SIR.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, FOLKS?

I'LL TELL YOU.

EXCUSE ME. HELLO, JACK.

YOUR BROCHURE SPECIFICALLY SAYS "PRIVATE BATH."

NOW IT SEEMS WE HAVE TO SHARE A BATH

WITH THE GENTLEMAN NEXT DOOR.

WHEN WE SAY PRIVATE,

WE MEAN THAT THE BATHROOM'S NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS VERY MISLEADING.

I SHOULD CHANGE IT AND PUT DOWN,

INSTEAD OF PRIVATE, SECLUDED.

IT WON'T BE THAT EASY, MISTER.

THIS ISN'T MY FIRST TRIP OUT OF CLEVELAND.

BACK OFF BEFORE I RIP YOUR NOSE OFF.

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

YES.

PUT THE BROCHURE AWAY.

JACK, WILL I BE ABLE TO TAKE A DECENT SHOWER,

OR WILL THE WATER ALWAYS BE LIKE THAT?

I'M ON THE CASE.

TONIGHT YOU'LL HAVE THE FINEST SHOWER POSSIBLE.

THE NAME'S MONIKER.

I GOT IT.

LINDA.

OH, MY GOD!

AAH!OH. OH.

OH. OH. AAAH! WHOA!

ONE GRADE. OVEN-READY. SELF-BASTING.

HEY, DINNER IS SERVED!

THE ENTREE'S HERE.

MMMMEAT.

FASHION MODELS, GOT TO BE.

LOOK AT THESE AQUA VELVAS.

YOU THINK THEY'RE WITH THEM?

ARE YOU KIDDING? THEY'RE PROBABLY GAY.

COUPLE OF 'MOES.

OH, COME ON.

ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE US THINK THEY'RE STRAIGHT?

COUSINS.

DARLING? CHAMPAGNE?

HUH! THEY HAVE THAT PARACHUTE THING!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

WHY?

I WANT TO FEEL THE WIND THROUGH MY HAIR.

I WANT TO LIVE!

YOU WANT TO PLAY WIFFLE TENNIS?

NO, HONEY.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WIFFLE TENNIS.

READ YOUR BOOK.

I NEED A LITTLE SPACE.

[PLFFTH]

COULD I TRY THIS PARACHUTE THING?

SURE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

LINDA "WHITTAY."

CHRIS.

HELMUT.

WAS HABEN SIE GEDONE?

"M." MISSISSIPPI.

ETHIOPIA.

NO. AN "I."

IPANEMA.

THAT'S A SONG-- THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA.

IT'S FICTIONAL.

THAT'S WHERE SHE'S FROM.

YOU CAN'T USE THAT, IPANEMA.

HOW'S IT GOING?

REMEMBER ME? I'M JACK.

BARRY.

BARRY.

WOW, DEJA VU.

BARRY STEINBERG, BARRY NYE.

SMOKED MEATS.

WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS BEACH IS DEAD.

IT'S ALL PREPARATION AND NO Hs.

WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?

COME ON. WHAT ABOUT THOSE TWO?

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE INTERESTED.

TOO TALL.

THEY TALKED ABOUT YOU.

THEY SAID YOU WEREN'T FIT

TO SLEEP WITH PIGS.

I DEFENDED YOU.

I SAID YOU WERE.

SO GO ON. GET OUT THERE. MINGLE.

BY TONIGHT YOUR MEAT WILL BE SMOKED.

SEE YOU TONIGHT. REGGAE DANCE.

THANKS, MAN. SEE YOU LATER.

WE'LL CINCH YOU UP.

YOU HAVE STRONG LEGS.

ARE YOU READY TO FLY?

YES.

LINDA, THE SKY IS YOURS.

JE VAIS A LA GLOIRE!

WHOA! RANDY!

OHH!

WHOA! WHOA!

OHH!

RANDY!

WHOA!

AAAHHH!

RANDY!

OH! OH!

RANDY! OH!

WHOA!

WHOO! HO HA!

HA HA HA!

WHEE HEE!

HA HA HA!

AHHH AHHH AHHH!

HA HA!

I'M NOT WEARING THIS SHIRT.

LOOK AT THIS SHIRT. I WON'T WEAR IT.

HEY, GUYS.

YOU ON A UNION 10?

MAKE IT 15.

WE'LL GET TOGETHER ONE DAY.

WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.

YEAH, LUNCH.

ROLL ONE FOR ME.

DID YOU REHEARSE?

I HAVE MY OWN SONGS.

I'M NOT DOING THESE SONGS.

WE PROMISED THESE PEOPLE A FLOOR SHOW.

THEY LOVE THESE SONGS.

ANYONE HEAR THESE SONGS

DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM ANYMORE.

AND I CAN'T WEAR THESE CLOTHES.

I DON'T LIKE THESE CLOTHES.

YOU THINK I LIKE LOOKING LIKE A HAWAIIAN PIMP?

I KNEW ANOTHER PROUD BLACK MAN LIKE YOURSELF ONCE.

I GAVE HIM SOME ADVICE, TOO.

I TOLD HIM,

"WEAR ONE GLOVE, JUST ONE GLOVE."

THE REST WAS HISTORY.

WHO WAS THAT?

WILLIE MAYS.

YOU WEAR THESE CLOTHES, YOU SING THESE SONGS,

I'LL HAVE YOU BACK IN CENTER FIELD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CENTER FIELD IS,

BUT I'LL DO IT ONCE.

THEN I'M GOING TO BURN THESE CLOTHES.

THAT HAIR IS A DOWNRIGHT, EVERLASTING DISGRACE!

I'VE BEEN WORKING IN BETTER HOTELS THAN THIS FOR 25 YEARS.

WHO HASN'T?

HAIR LIKE THAT IN MY KITCHEN IS UNSANITARY!

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE MUST HAVE

ALL THAT BOO GOO YAGA HAIR.

HE BETTER CUT IT OFF OR GO.

IT'S VERY BOO GOO YAGA.

I'LL TALK TO HIM AND WORK IT OUT.

TREE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OH, NO THANKS.

LAST TIME, THEY FOUND ME ON THE SEARS TOWER

TRYING TO BUILD A NEST.

I LOVE YOUR HAIR, MAN,

BUT I'M GETTING FLAK

FROM THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

I'M WORRIED THAT A GUEST

WILL PICK A 5-FOOT HAIR

OUT OF THE TUNA SALAD.

I CAN'T CUT MY HAIR, MAN.

YOU CAN'T CUT YOUR HAIR.

OH, I KNOW HOW WE CAN WORK THIS ONE OUT.

COME WITH ME.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW ASSISTANT COOK.

EVERYBODY SAY HELLO TO HAT.

PASSABLE.

WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FANS.

SOL, THE BOYS ARE BACK.

NOW WE'VE GOT TO DELIVER.

IT'S THAT FIREMAN.

I HAVE USED EVERY LEGAL MEANS

AT MY DISPOSAL,

AND STILL, THEY WILL NOT BE MOVED!

THERE MUST BE SOME WAY TO GET TO THIS GUY.

TAKING UP THE GAME?

IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.

GET RID OF THE HORSES, YOU'D HAVE A GOOD GAME.

LET'S ROLL, KNOLL.

COULD WE TALK?

AT LAST, A BRIBE.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR FRIEND JACK.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM.

I'D HATE TO SEE ANYBODY GET HURT.

HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL.

I'M TRYING TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYBODY.

THAT'S THE WAY THIS GAME SHOULD BE PLAYED.

I CAN'T TELL YOU THE FEELING

OF FLYING THROUGH THOSE TREES!

I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE.

ISN'T IT GREAT, RANDY?

ISN'T IT FANTASTIC?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS.

WASN'T TODAY FUN?

DIDN'T YOU HAVE ANY FUN?

I FOUND A SHELL.

RANDY, YOU MAY HAVE TO TRY JUST A LITTLE HARDER.

TOMORROW, HELMUT AND CHRISTOPHER

ARE GIVING ME CLIFF-DIVING LESSONS.

WON'T YOU TRY IT AT LEAST ONCE?

NOTHING COULD BE MORE FUN

THAN CLIFF-DIVING

WITH TWO GERMAN BISEXUALS.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

THE SHOWER BETTER WORK NOW.

* ABOUT A THING *

* 'CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING *

* GONNA BE ALL RIGHT **

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHOA!

RANDY!

RANDY!

HELP!

HELP!

MRS. WHITE, HOW DO YOU DO IT?

OH. EASY.

HOW WAS THAT SHOWER?

BRUTAL.

THERE'S A FOOT OF WATER IN OUR ROOM.

WELL, WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS.

HAVE A NICE NIGHT.

LOOK, TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

NICE RESORT.

NICE PANTS.

THE SIXTIES ARE OVER, PAL.

YOUR EXCELLENCY.

YOU'RE LOOKING ELEGANT THIS EVENING.

WHY ARE WE GRACED WITH YOUR IMPERIAL PRESENCE?

ONE CAN SMELL THE SUNTAN OIL

AND FRYING FEMALE FLESH RIGHT ACROSS THE ISLAND.

I WAS CURIOUS ABOUT THIS PERVERTED PASSION PIT YOU'RE RUNNING.

THIS ORGY BIN.

WHATEVER YOU CALL THIS DRUG-CRAZED NIPPLE RANCH.

LOOKING FOR A LITTLE FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP?

YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

YOU GOT THE PEARLS, WE GOT THE SWINE.

BEFORE I TURN MY HORMONES LOOSE,

I HAVE SOMETHING OFFICIAL I WANT TO DISCUSS IN PRIVATE.

I THOUGHT YOUR OFFICIAL DUTIES

CONSISTED OF A LOT OF THIS.

NO. WHILE YOU'VE BEEN OCCUPIED

IN FISHING LOOSE DIAPHRAGMS OUT OF THE SWIMMING POOL,

I'VE BEEN ENGAGED IN MATTERS OF IMPORTANCE

TO EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND.

WE DON'T HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.

IF YOU HAVE A NOOK WHICH ISN'T KNEE-DEEP IN SEMINAL FLUID,

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT WE HAVE A CHAT.

I'LL FIND A DRY SPOT.

BUT IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING WONDERFUL,

YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THAT WOMAN.

WHY?

SHE'S A WRITER

FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES TRAVEL SECTION.

IF YOU CHARM HER,

SHE MIGHT WRITE A NICE PIECE ABOUT THIS PLACE.

DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

DOUBLES.

IF YOU THINK IT WILL HELP.

BLESS YOU.

OH, DEAR. AM I TOO LATE FOR THE MAIN EVENT?

NO. THE GUESTS CAN GRAZE SOME MORE

BEFORE THE ALLEGED ENTERTAINMENT BEGINS.

MAY I JOIN YOU?

I GUESS THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

THE FIREMAN SAID YOU'RE A JOURNALIST.

WILL YOU SCRIBBLE SOMETHING

ABOUT THIS PLACE?

IT REMINDS ME OF A JAPANESE P.O.W. CAMP.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

GUESS.

TOO TAN TO HOLD A RESPECTABLE JOB.

RETIRED MILLIONAIRE?

HARDLY. I HAVEN'T ANY MONEY.

THE WEST INDIES IS A GREAT PLACE

IN WHICH TO BE POOR.

NO LITTLE MOUTHS TO FEED?

THERE WAS ONE BIG MOUTH,

BUT MY WIFE LEFT ME.

COULDN'T STAND THE TROPICS?

LOVED THE TROPICS.

IT WAS ME SHE COULDN'T STAND.

LET'S MAKE OUR MOVE.

I'LL TAKE THE ONE

WITH BROWN HAIR.

THEY BOTH HAVE BROWN HAIR.

I'LL TAKE THE BANANA.

LADIES, MIND IF MY FATHER AND I JOIN YOU?

HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.

WERE YOU AT CLUB MED MARTINIQUE

LAST YEAR?

NO.

CLUB UNIVERSAL IN HAWAII?

SWINGLES IN FORT LAUDERDALE?

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK WE MET IN ANOTHER LIFE.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SMOKE?

UNREAL! YOU MUST BE PSYCHIC.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THAT BEFORE, GETTING STONED.

WE'LL COP SOME PRIMO CANNABIS SATIVA,

AND THE FOUR OF US WILL GET DEMENTED.

STONED OUT OF OUR GOURDS.

CATCH YOU LATER.

SAVE OUR SEATS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

RIGHT HERE, WAITING FOR YOU.

NO SEEDS.

WE SHOULD COME WITH YOU?

YES. WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?

RIGHT THERE. I'LL GET HIM.

BARE? WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

THE DEAL IS, MAJOR SCORE

OF DOMESTIC, HOMEGROWN, UNCUT, PURE WEED

HAPPENING HERE TONIGHT.

MAJOR SCORE.

ALL RIGHT.

O.K.?

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET THERE?

NOT LONG. RELAX.

LIKE HOW LONG?

HE SAID "SOON COME." HE'S COMING SOON.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

THE DEAL'S DONE.

WE'RE RIDING IN A CAR WITH A STRANGER.

HE'S WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT,

TAKING US INTO A JUNGLE.

NICE DEAL.

WHY DON'T WE HAND HIM OUR WALLETS

AND SLIT OUR OWN THROATS?

HE'S COOL. THE GUY'S COOL.

AND NOW A VERY SPECIAL GUEST,

A REPRESENTATIVE OF HER EXCELLENCY THE QUEEN,

THE GOVERNOR GENERAL OF SAINT NICHOLAS,

SIR ANTHONY CROYDEN HAYES.

IT'S MY JOB.

AND I'VE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.

HE'S MY PARTNER, HE'S MY FRIEND,

HE'S A REGGAE MACHINE AND A FASHION STATEMENT.

FORGET YOUR ANNOYANCE BECAUSE HERE COMES

ERNEST REED AND THE FLAMBOYANTS!

* THIS IS MY ISLAND IN THE SUN *

* WHERE MY PEOPLE HAVE TOILED SINCE TIME BEGUN *

* I MAY SAIL ON BETTER SEAS *

* BUT THESE SHORES SHALL ALWAYS BELONG TO ME *

* OH, ISLAND IN THE SUN *

* WILLED TO ME BY OUR FATHER'S HAND *

* ALL OUR DAYS, I WILL SING IN PRAISE *

* OF THY FOREST, WATERS, AND SHINING SAND **

* FIRE, FIRE, BURN *

* FIRE, FREE MY SOUL FROM BABYLON *

* FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, BURN... **

HI, MON. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

GREAT.

REAL GOOD RHYTHM THING HAPPENING.

WE HEARD IT DRIVING UP.

FOR MILES.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS IS THE...

ROOTS.

THE ROOT OF ALL MUSIC.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JAZZ.

THIS IS IABINGEE.

I COULD LISTEN ALL NIGHT.

STICK AROUND, MON.

HOW LONG DOES THIS GO ON FOR?

SOMETIMES THREE DAYS, ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT.

THREE DAYS.

BIG MISTAKE.

IF HE DOESN'T COME SOON,

LET'S CHECK OUT.

YAH!

HEY, MY MAN.

HE'S BACK.

READY?

YEAH.

WE GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT, MON.

GREAT. HAD A BLAST.

YOU GOT IT?

YES, MON.

THAT'S IT? ONE JOINT?

WHAT KIND OF DEALER ARE YOU?

DEALER? I'M A TAXI DRIVER.

WE'LL NEED MORE THAN ONE JOINT.

YOU WANT TO GO BACK IN AND ASK FOR MORE?

NO.

THEN GET IN THE CAR.

I BELIEVE YOU LADIES MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT SMOKE.

RIGHT.

LET'S SEE IT.

SHE WANTS TO SEE IT.

SHE WANTS TO SEE IT.

THIS STUFF IS TOTALLY TUBULAR, O.K.?

SHE'S LIGHTING IT HERE.

IS THIS COOL OR WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.

NICE SMOKE.

YOU WANT TO PASS THAT, UH...

HEY, THAT'S NICE.

PASS THAT, UH...

I HAD AN INTERESTING CHAT

WITH THE PRIME MINISTER, MR. GUNDY,

AND MR. VOIT ZERBE,

THE OWNER OF THE OTHER HOTEL.

THEY ASKED ME TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR FUTURE.

IN FACT, THEY BRIBED ME.

YOU TOOK IT, OF COURSE.

IF I REFUSED,

MR. ZERBE IMPLIED THAT HE COULD

HAVE ENGLAND'S LEGS BROKEN.

THIS ISLAND IS ABOUT TO BE BOUGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BOUGHT?

THE PEOPLE, THE GOVERNMENT,

BUSINESSES, NATURAL RESOURCES.

WELL, WHO'S MR. BIG?

MR. BIG HAS YET TO APPEAR,

BUT WHENEVER THAT TUGBOAT COMES IN,

OUR PRIME MINISTER SCURRIES AROUND.

WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH THIS DIVE?

FRANKLY, I CAN'T IMAGINE,

BUT AS THE REPRESENTATIVE OF GREAT BRITAIN,

I FEEL IT'S A MATTER OF VITAL INTEREST TO OUR GOVERNMENT.

IF SOMEONE WERE TO BOARD THAT SHIP

AND PROVIDE SOME USEFUL INTELLIGENCE,

MY GOVERNMENT MIGHT BE VERY GRATEFUL.

NO. THANK THE QUEEN,

BUT TELL HER MY BROTHER'S A QUEEN,

AND EVEN HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SPY FOR ENGLAND.

NO, THANKS.

COME ON! OH!

OH! WHOA!

WHOO! HA HA!

OH! AAH!

OH!

LOOK AT ME, RANDY!

OH, YEAH, BABY! YEAH! OH!

YEE HA!

DO IT!

COME ON, LET'S GO!

WHOOOAA!

WHAT IF THE CREW WAKES UP?

THEY'RE AT THE MARINA BAR.

I'LL BE ON AND OFF IN TWO MINUTES.

[IN HIGH VOICE] YOU STAY HERE AND--

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS HELIUM.

I BROUGHT THE WRONG TANK.

I'LL GO WITHOUT IT.

I'M GOING WITH YOU, MON.

FINE. WE'LL BOTH GO.

OHH! THAT'S A NICE BUZZ.

OH, BOY!

[SLAM]

SHH!

WHAT ARE YOU, A DUCK? COME ON.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A NEW SAINT NICHOLAS.

YEAH, I SEE THEIR PLAN NOW.

THERE'S A NEW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT,

HIGH-RISE HOTELS,

LUXURY CONDOS FOR THE RICH FOLKS.

WHERE'S MY HOUSE?

NEXT TO THE NUCLEAR PLANT.

BUT YOU CAN WALK TO THE FACTORY,

WHERE YOU'LL SEW LABELS ON DESIGNER JEANS.

WHERE'S OUR CLUB?

WE'RE NOT PART OF THE FUTURE.

FREEZE!POLICE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

JUST SEEING THAT ALL IS WELL.

IS IT?

NO.

GUARD!

GUARD!

HEY, WHAT YOU WANTING?

NOTHING. I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT WITH A CUP.

YOU SAID I'M ALLOWED ONE CALL.

A BLUEJAY.

[IMITATES A BLUEJAY]

WILL YOU PLEASE HOLD MY MESSAGES?

[MAKES HARMONICA SOUNDS OF NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN]

HEY, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

THIS PLACE IS GOING COED.

THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

WE KNOW TOO MUCH.

WE GOT THE BEST BEACH,

AND THEY WON'T STOP UNTIL THEY GET IT.

THIS MAY BE A GARDEN OF EDEN,

BUT GUNDY'S NOT GOD, AND I'M NOT MOVING.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

I TRUST YOU HAD A PLEASANT NIGHT.

IT WAS FABULOUS.

YOU GOT A REAL FLEA CIRCUS.

COME ON, BOY, JUMP.

I WON'T MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.

THERE ARE SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE

WITH SOME IMPORTANT PLANS FOR THIS ISLAND.

WE MUST HAVE YOUR PROPERTY.

OVER MY DEAD BODY, MR. GUNDY!

THAT, TOO, CAN BE ARRANGED.

I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES, TOO.

YOU PUSH PEOPLE AROUND,

SOMETIMES PEOPLE MIGHT PUSH BACK.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, MR. MONIKER,

YOU HAVE UNTIL TONIGHT TO SELL US CLUB PARADISE.

IF WE DON'T?

THEN...

YOU WILL BE VERY, VERY SORRY.

NOW, YOU BOTH ARE FREE TO GO.

YOUR LADY FRIEND PAID YOUR FINE.

ATTACK!

SO LONG, CONSTABLE.

YOU WON'T HAVE JACK MONIKER TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT ME TWICE WITH A RUBBER HOSE.

NOBODY GET AWAY WITH DOING THAT TO ME!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY DID YOU GO OUT TO THE YACHT?

I THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE WERE OUT TO GET ME.

NOW I KNOW. THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME.

THERE THEY ARE NOW!

[SQUAWK]

WHAT ABOUT THE LAW?

IN THIS COUNTRY, THE CONSTITUTION IS WRITTEN IN PENCIL.

IT IS SO LOVELY HERE.

I HATE BEAUTY.

IT'S BORING LOOKING AT BEAUTY DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

ANYWAY, IT CAN'T LAST MUCH LONGER.

ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS CHEERFUL IN THE MORNING?

EITHER THE AMERICANS WILL MOVE IN

AND TURN IT INTO MIAMI BEACH

OR THE RUSSIANS AND CUBANS WILL COME

AND TURN THE ISLAND INTO ALBANIA.

THERE REALLY IS NO HOPE.

ISLANDS LIKE SAINT NICHOLAS

MAKE NICE MISSILE BASES,

NAVAL STATIONS,

MONEY LAUNDRIES.

IF THERE'S NO HOPE, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE?

GO TO NEW YORK OR LONDON.

NO. IF THE WORLD'S GOING TO HELL IN A BUCKET,

I WANT TO HOLD THE HANDLE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

TA-TA.

MUST SEE A MAN ABOUT SOMETHING.

IT'S MUGGY.

AMAZING.

EISENHOWER HADN'T MADE UP HIS MIND

WHETHER TO BE A DEMOCRAT OR A REPUBLICAN UNTIL 1955.

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE?

JESUS CHRIST!

LINDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RANDY, I'M NOT GOING HOME WITH BRA LINES.

PLEASE. DON'T BE SILLY.

WE'RE ALL ADULTS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CAN IT!

IT'S NOT THAT THEY'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL,

BUT THERE'S STRICT GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS AGAINST NUDE SUNBATHING.

BESIDES, IT'S MORE TANTALIZING TO CONCEAL THAN REVEAL.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

PLEASE DO.

JESUS, IT'S SPREADING!

GROWING IT WOULD TAKE THREE MONTHS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT SOME.

HEY, JACK, JACK!

LISTEN, YOU GOT TO DO US A FAVOR.

BIG FAVOR.

FAVOR FOR A FAVOR.

DO US THIS FAVOR--

WHAT?

WE'RE LOOKING FOR JOHNNY.

WHO'S JOHNNY?

NO. SMOKE, JAYS, JOINTS, BUZZ.

NOT A LITTLE. I WANT A BIG BAG.

I'M A NARCOTICS AGENT.

YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST.

COME ON, I'M KIDDING!

IF YOU WANT SOME, ASK THAT GUY THERE.

DON'T LOOK!

IF YOU GET CAUGHT, I DON'T KNOW YOU.

BE COOL.

WHICH GUY?

I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T LOOK.

AAH!

JACKIE, THAT IS SO OBVIOUS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THAT.

IT'S FRIDAY, MARY LOU,

AND NOTHING'S HAPPENED YET.

JACKIE, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO GET BUSTED.

TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I KNOW A PLACE THAT'S TOTALLY SECLUDED.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

SOUND GOOD?

HEY, EVERYBODY!

WHO'S UP FOR A NUDE ORGY PICNIC AT DEVIL'S HOLE?

ME! I AM! YEAH!

YOU COMING?

IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE.

NO, I GOT TO WAIT FOR JOHNNY.

HI!

HELLO.

YOU GOT TO COME. NUDE BEACH!

THE WEED'S COMING.

ONE OF US GOT TO STAY HERE.

IT'S A NUDE BEACH!

ONE OF US HAS GOT TO STAY HERE

I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

BESIDES, I WANT TO TRY THIS THING.

I'LL TOOL AROUND HERE.

IT'S GOOD FOR THE LATS, IT'S GOOD FOR THE PECS.

HEY, I'M DOING IT!

OH!

HA HA HA!

HEY, LOCK YOUR FRONT KNEE

AND TILT THE MAST FORWARD.

[SURFING MUSIC PLAYS]

I DON'T WANT A POLITICAL DISCUSSION,

BUT COMMUNISM WON'T WORK IN A COUNTRY LIKE THIS.

COMMUNISM WILL NOT ATTRACT WOMEN 18-26, FOR INSTANCE.

GEE, I LOVE BEING NAKED.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

I THOUGHT I DID, BUT I DON'T.

GET UNDRESSED. WE'LL JOG.

NO, THANK YOU.

HONEY, HE'LL BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

WE SHOULD GET DRESSED.

I WANT TO BE NAKED FOREVER!

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

I KNOW WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO ACAPULCO!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

OUR CLOTHES ARE GONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY'RE GONE?

ALL RIGHT! THEY LEFT OUR CAMERAS AND WATCHES.

BIG, HAIRY DEAL!

WE'RE NAKED, YOU JERK!

WE'VE BEEN NAKED ALL AFTERNOON.

I'M NOT WALKING THROUGH TOWN THIS WAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

IT'S STUPID TO GO OFF

WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

WHOEVER TOOK OUR CLOTHES

COULD BE WATCHING US NOW.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

I SUGGEST WE WALK VERY CALMLY IN SINGLE FILE

OFF THIS BEACH

AND DON'T STOP FOR ANYTHING.

IN SINGLE FILE, AND I MEAN YOU.

WHO DIED AND MADE HIM BOSS?

[IMITATES BIRD CALL]

THERE MIGHT BE POISONOUS SNAKES HERE.

NO, THEY INTRODUCED THE MONGOOSE HERE LONG AGO.

THE MONGOOSE KILLS SNAKES.

WHAT'S A MONGOOSE?

A BIG RAT WITH BIG TEETH.

THIS MUST BE NORTH.

WE'RE NOT MAKING A MAP.

WHAT ARE YOU, MARCO POLO?

IF WE DON'T KNOW OUR DIRECTION,

WE'LL GO IN CIRCLES.

I'M GETTING VERY HUNGRY.

THAT'S WILD SUGAR CANE.

RANDY, I WON'T EAT REAL SUGAR.

WE'LL FIND YOU A SWEET AND LOW FIELD.

WOULD YOU MOVE?

I HOPE THAT WAS YOUR FINGER.

I COULD HAVE DONE THAT DIVE

IF I DIDN'T HAVE DIARRHEA.

OH, BOY.

THIS IS PERFECT.

I'VE LOST MY MONEY, MY CLUB,

AND NOW I'VE LOST MY GUESTS.

MAYBE THEY TOOK A HIKE.

NO. THIS ISN'T A HIKING CROWD.

THAT'S IT, RANDY. I CAN'T GO ON.

DON'T GIVE UP, BABY.

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF HERE.

WE'VE BEEN WALKING FOR THREE HOURS.

THERE'S NO WAY OUT!

NO, WE'RE CLOSE. I CAN SENSE IT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS A BOY SCOUT.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE SUN ALL AFTERNOON.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING THE MOUNTAIN ON OUR RIGHT

AND WALKING PERPENDICULAR

TO THE LINE OF THE SUN'S MOVEMENT.

WE'RE O.K., HONEY, TRUST ME.

THE ISLAND IS ONLY 7 MILES ACROSS

AT ITS WIDEST POINT.

EVEN IF WE HAD TO CROSS FROM SHORE TO SHORE,

THE LONGEST IT WOULD TAKE WOULD BE FOUR HOURS,

EVEN AT 2 MILES PER HOUR.

NO, WE'LL BE O.K.

I'M SURE OF IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, HONEY?

I LIKE IT OUT HERE.

IT'S PRIMAL, AND IT'S...

WELL, IT'S HONEST.

YOU DON'T SURVIVE THE JUNGLE

IN A TIE AND A SUIT.

YOU SURVIVE WITH PURE ANIMAL INSTINCT.

GOD, MY SENSES ARE ALIVE!

WHEN I'M OUT HERE, I ASK THE BIG QUESTIONS,

LIKE, IS IT MAN AGAINST NATURE

OR IS MAN IN HARMONY WITH NATURE?

THE LATTER, I THINK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

AAAH!

IT'S A SNAKE! DON'T PANIC!

IT'S A BURMESE!

THEY'RE SWALLOWERS, NOT BITERS.

LINDA!

LINDA, AAH!

OH! OH!

AAH!

THEY'LL COME BACK IN LITTLE BOXES.

PANSY, DOUBLE. ANYTHING.

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM.

DON'T TELL ME.

WE LOST A SAILBOARD.

SOMEONE TOOK IT OUT AND DIDN'T BRING IT BACK.

WHICH SOMEONE?

NAMED BARRY.

WHERE IS HE?

HE DIDN'T COME BACK, NEITHER.

DESMOND SEE HIM GO WAY OUT!

THAT'S 10 PEOPLE LOST IN ONE DAY.

WHAT IS THIS,

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE?

SHOULDN'T WE CALL THE POLICE?

NO. THEY'LL BE CALLING ME.

WE'LL GET AS MANY BOATS AS POSSIBLE

TO LOOK FOR HIM.

TELL THE SURVIVORS-- I MEAN GUESTS--

TO STAY IN THEIR ROOMS.

BIG STORM COMING.

I WILL.

NO PROBLEM.

[HORN BLOWS]

[SURFING MUSIC PLAYS]

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP ME, YOU SCHMUCKS!

SHH. WAIT, LISTEN.

IS THAT MUSIC?

YEAH.

THAT'S A BLENDER.

CIVILIZATION! LET'S GO!

HELLO.

WE'VE BEEN IN THE WOODS.

WE WALK INTO THE TAJ MAHAL,

AND I'M WEARING A TOWEL.

ANY LUCK?

NO. NOT A TRACE.

THEY CALLED OFF THE SEARCH.

5 MILES OUT, I THOUGHT I SAW A SHARK FLOSSING.

ANYTHING I CAN DO?

YOU EVER HEARD OF A CHINESE BASKET JOB?

IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

PHILADELPHIA, I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR ADVICE.

WHY DON'T I JUST GET THE HELL OUT?

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ERNEST?

YOU CAN'T LIE AROUND

AND PRETEND NOTHING'S WRONG.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND, JACK.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

NO MAN IS A WOMAN, EITHER.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

REALLY? THEY'RE SAFE!

THEY FOUND THEM

AT THE ROYAL SAINT NICHOLAS.

LET'S HIT THE BLACKJACK TABLES.

WE'LL HAVE A DRINK FIRST.

YOU GUYS GO.

ALL RIGHT! LET'S PARTY!

THANK YOU.

I GUESS MY LUCK HAS CHANGED.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO?

I ALMOST SENT YOUR NAME TO RIPLEY'S.

SOMEBODY STOLE OUR CLOTHES.

IT WAS FRUIT CITY.

THE BUS LEAVES IN FIVE MINUTES.

BE ON IT,

OR I'M SENDING THOSE PICTURES OF YOU EATING PORK.

I'LL ROUND UP THE STRAYS.

COME ON, BABY! KISS IT.

COME ON!

MAMA FEELS GOOD TONIGHT!

NUMBER!

OH!

2, CRAPS.

HONEY, THAT'S OVER $1,000 ALREADY!

IT'S TIME TO QUIT.

I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE

WHERE I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.

I WANT YOU TO GET THERE WITH ME.

COME ON, RED DEVIL!

YEAH!

OH!

2, CRAPS.

OPEN UP A LINE OF CREDIT.

NO, THAT'S IT!

YOU'RE QUITTING WHILE YOU'RE DOWN?

YOU'RE A PLASTIC SURGEON.

SHAVE SOME SCHNOZES, AND YOU CAN RETIRE.

LISTEN, DOC, LET HER HAVE SOME FUN.

BUY WOMEN ANYTHING THEY WANT,

AGREE WITH THEM, MAKE THEM HAPPY,

AND JUMP 'EM WHEN THEY'RE NOT LOOKING.

YOU CALL THAT A PHILOSOPHY?

LADY LUCK TOOK A HIKE.

YOU READY TO GO HOME?

NO. WE'RE STAYING HERE THE REST OF THE WEEK.

YOU'LL BE PAYING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

HONEY, GET ME $1,000 WORTH OF CHIPS.

THAT'S IT!

COME ON!

SNAKE EYES!

SO, THE FIREMAN.

SO, THE MIDDLEMAN.

WHAT A BUSINESS, HUH?

PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS.

PEOPLE ARE ALL RIGHT.

IT'S THE BUSINESS I CAN'T STAND.

YOU'RE A SMART GUY.

WHY KNOCK YOUR BRAINS OUT

IN A SHITHOLE LIKE THAT?

LET SOMEBODY PUT A REAL HOTEL THERE.

I'D SEE TO IT YOU GOT OUT

WITH A LITTLE MONEY IN YOUR POCKET.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HIT ME.

YOU'LL HIT AN 18?

21!

YOU'RE A LITTLE CRAZY.

I LIKE THAT. KEEP PLAYING.

I'M CRAZY, BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

THANKS FOR THE OFFER.

YOU'RE FIRED. YOUR LUCK IS ROTTEN.

FIRED?

NAW, YOU'RE NOT FIRED.

THANK YOU, SIR.

NO, YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT OF HERE!

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK

WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR A NEW DEALER?

* MOTHER COUNTRY, MOTHER COUNTRY *

* WE HAVE BEEN TOLD *

* THAT IT'S ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY *

* PORTUGAL *

* SINCE THE DAYS OF OLD *

* BUT I KNOW *

* THAT LIFE COULD NOT START IN A REFRIGERATOR *

* IT HAD TO BE IN AN INCUBATOR *

* SO MARK I WORDS, MARK THESE WORDS *

* FOR I AND I COULD NEVER BE THE THIRD *

* THIRD WORLD PEOPLE *

* REMEMBER WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM *

* THIRD WORLD PEOPLE *

* KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG *

* FATHER COUNTRY, OH, FATHER COUNTRY *

* I BEEN TOLD TIME AND TIME AGAIN *

* THAT IT'S AMERICA, FRANCE, GERMANY... **

EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND.

DOC!

DO ME A BIG FAVOR.

I GOT TWO CHICKS OVER THERE

THAT ARE HOT TO TROT.

I CAN'T FIND BARRY.

CAN YOU JOIN US?

ARE YOU INSANE? I'M A MARRIED MAN.

YEAH. NICE MARRIAGE.

LOOK, YOU JUST HAVE TO TALK TO THEM.

THEY LOVE ME.

WE'LL DANCE, HAVE FUN.

I'LL GET SOME WEED.

THIS IS THE NIGHT!

JUST KEEP THEM OCCUPIED.

GO, GO, GO! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BARRY!

AH!

WHO'S THERE?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

OH, MY GOD.

WE SCORED!

WE SCORED!

THE SCORE...

OF THE CENTURY.

OH!

OH!

THERE'S SO MUCH!

THERE'S TOO MUCH.

THIS IS THE WRONG BAG.

THIS IS A MISTAKE.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE 20 YEARS TO SMOKE THIS STUFF.

I'M GOING TO GET 20 YEARS FOR THIS.

20 YEARS FOR A MISTAKE.

PLEASE.

YES, I'LL HOLD.

ANYTHING?

IT'S A LONG SHOT, BUT I'M TRYING.

MR. GUNDY!

WHEN YOU THREATEN SOMEBODY, YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.

ENOUGH INSULTS.

YOU HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME

TO CONSIDER MY OFFER.

I WANT AN ANSWER.

ARE YOU READY TO SELL?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

IT WASN'T MUCH OF AN OFFER.

WE'VE BEEN TOO BUSY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WE NEED MORE TIME.

LIKE MAYBE A YEAR.

NO.

YOUR TIME HAS COME.

* THE SOUTH AFRICAN PLAN IS *

* NO TEA, NO COFFEE, NO DAY *

* NO WAY *

* GO AWAY *

* WHAT THE PLAN... **

TAKE THEM!

I'LL REASON WITH THEM.

THEY'VE GOT GUNS!

THEY DO HAVE GUNS.

LOVE YOU.

LET'S HAVE A CONFERENCE OUTSIDE.

* OH, ISLAND IN THE SUN *

* WILLED TO ME BY MY FATHER'S HAND **

THIS WAY!

THIS WAY, THIS WAY!

HERE!

JACK!

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

[GUNSHOTS]

OH!

OH!

[THUNDER]

OH!

OH, THIS IS NICE.

KIND OF A HARVEST MOTIF.

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

FRIENDS WILL HELP ME.

THERE'S A SICKNESS IN THIS PLACE.

IT'S TIME TO OPERATE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

OUT OF MY WAY.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

GOOD LUCK.

JUST COOL, JACK.

"JUST COOL, JACK."

SURE, GO START A REVOLUTION!

IT WON'T LOOK GOOD ON YOUR RESUME!

WE'RE FINISHED AS PARTNERS!

I'M GOING BACK TO CHICAGO, WHERE IT'S SAFE.

HELP!

HELP!

ANYBODY, HELP ME!

THE OWNER OF CLUB PARADISE IS DYING TO SELL.

WE WERE EXPECTING SIGNED DOCUMENTS THIS MORNING.

LET'S FACE IT, HEINZ.

WE'RE NOT IN SWITZERLAND.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GET CARBON PAPER

THAT HASN'T BEEN USED 100 TIMES ALREADY.

BUT WE ARE CLOSE. VERY, VERY CLOSE.

VERY, VERY CLOSE.

EXCELLENT.

NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME--

I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY, BUT BEFORE YOU GO,

I HAVE A SURPRISE.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN SO COOPERATIVE,

WE HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY

OF DESIGNING A NEW RESIDENCE FOR YOU.

HE'S GOT A HEART LIKE DUMBO!

DUMBO THE ELEPHANT, WITH THE BIG EARS.

WELL, LIKE HIM--

NOT THE EARS, THE HEART.

FORGET IT.

SOL, LET'S GO.

THANK YOU.

SOL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I GOT NO WAITERS,

NO MAIL, NO ELECTRICITY!

YOU GOT A GENERAL STRIKE.

I WILL CRUSH ERNEST REED!

O.K., O.K. YOU WANT A STROKE?

A STROKE IS THIS.

SLOW DOWN AND FIGURE THIS OUT.

GO AFTER REED IF YOU HAVE TO,

BUT FIRST SETTLE THIS STRIKE.

RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE TO $1.00 A DAY.

IT'S ONLY FAIR. GIVE A MAN SOME DIGNITY!

BUT DO SOMETHING, SOL.

I GOT 150 POUNDS OF LOBSTER

MELTING IN MY FREEZER.

I WILL EAT HIS BONES!

OOH.

WHERE'S THE EGGS AND THE BACON THAT'S USUALLY HERE?

RANDY, WHERE'S MY BRAN?

I CAN'T GO WITHOUT FIBER.

WE'RE NOT PAYING $100 A DAY FOR RICE KRISPIES!

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF THE STAFF?

THERE'S NO TOWELS OR TOILET PAPER.

CALL HOUSEKEEPING.

WE HAVE NO PHONE.

GOOD MORNING! ANYBODY HUNGRY?

WHERE'S BREAKFAST?

WE GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL--

BREAKFAST JUMP UP!

WHAT'S BREAKFAST JUMP UP?

WHEN YOU JUMP UP AND MAKE YOUR OWN BREAKFAST.

[COUGH]

I'M ALIVE!

I'M ALIVE!

I MADE IT! I'M ALIVE!

HA HA HA HA!

I MADE IT!

O.K., STAY COOL, STAY COOL, STAY COOL.

I GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM.

FIGURE 16, 18 HOURS OUT THERE, MAYBE.

FIGURE 10 MILES AN HOUR...

OR KNOTS.

ALLOW FOR THE GULF STREAM, FIGURE IN A HEAD WIND,

THAT PUTS ME... I HAVE NO IDEA.

STAY COOL, STAY COOL!

GOT TO THINK CLEAR NOW.

FIRST THING I DO IS BUILD A HOUSE.

PEOPLE OF SAINT NICHOLAS!

TODAY IS A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMOUSITY,

A DAY THAT ERNEST REED

AND HIS SUBVERSIVE AMERICAN COMRADE JACK MONIKER

ARE THREATENING THE PEACE AND PROSPERITY

OF THIS, OUR ANCESTRAL IF NOT NATIVE HOME!

[SHOUTING]

I THEREFORE DECLARE A NATIONAL STATE OF EMERGENCY.

I IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW, AND I ORDER ALL MEMBERS

OF THE NATIONAL DEFENSE RESERVE ARMY GUARD

TO REPORT IMMEDIATELY FOR ACTIVE DUTY!

I HAVE TO CALL SOMEBODY.

DON'T GO STARTING ANY VILE RUMORS!

LET ME START THEM!

IT'S NOT A REVOLUTION.

IT'S A BUNCH OF FARMERS WITH RAKES AND SHOVELS.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.

YOU CAN DO BUSINESS THERE.

WE COULD DO REAL DAMAGE THERE.

TRANSFER ME TO THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.

GOOD GRACIOUS, IT'S THE FIREMAN.

I THOUGHT YOU'D GONE.

PEOPLE ARE SO QUICK TO FLEE THESE DAYS.

FIRST HINT OF A WAR, THEY START RUNNING.

I WAS CERTAIN YOU'D BE BACK IN MINNESOTA.

I CAN'T LEAVE HERE.

I'M SUPPORTING THOUSANDS OF MOSQUITOES.

THIS IS PARADISE.

KEEP LOOKING.

YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT IN THIS WORLD.

WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF PARADISE?

AN EXPENSIVE HOTEL SUITE IN NEW YORK

WITH TWO HOPELESSLY DEPRAVED YOUNG WOMEN.

I'M EXPECTING AN ARMY AT THE CLUB.

YOU FIREMEN ARE ALL THE SAME.

YOU DRIVE FAST, THROW WATER ON THINGS,

AND LEAVE A MESS.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR 15 YEARS,

SAYING, "IT DOESN'T MATTER."

WELL, IT DOES MATTER.

MY PARTNER'S ABOUT TO START A REVOLUTION,

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET HURT

UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING.

IF THIS ISLAND GOES UP,

THEN TOMORROW, ANOTHER ONE.

THEN THE AMERICANS AND RUSSIANS GET NERVOUS,

THEN SOME OLD FART PUSHES THE BUTTON,

AND HEY! THERE GOES CLEVELAND

IN A BLINDING WHITE FLASH.

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY CONSCIENCE.

RIGHT!

YOU START THE WAR,

I'LL BRING THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

BE CAREFUL OF THE SOLDIERS.

THEY'LL SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT.

I'LL TAKE AN UMBRELLA.

YOUR GRACE.

* YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN *

* NO, YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN *

* YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN *

* WELL, YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN *

* WELL, NOW, YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN **

YOU GOT TO GO AWAY.

WHAT KIND OF WELCOME IS THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M GOING TO PUT OUT A FIRE.

MORNING, EVERYONE.

ONE BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT.

GATHER ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS

AND MEET ME ON THE BEACH IN FIVE MINUTES.

NO NEED TO PANIC.

IT'S JUST IN CASE THERE'S A CIVIL WAR TODAY.

REBELS!

NO. COME ON. THEY'RE NOT REBELS!

JUST A LOCAL ROTC DRILL TEAM.

YOUR PEOPLE HAD BETTER GET OUT.

YOU'RE MY PEOPLE. PHILLIPA'S MY PEOPLE.

LET'S ALL GET OUT!

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.

WHAT ABOUT A LIVE TELEVISED DEBATE?

WE HAVE NO TV.

RATTAN WILL MAKE A GREAT BULLETPROOF BARRICADE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUILD A WICKER TANK?

* LEFT TURN *

* QUICK MARCH *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* I SAID TO LIFT YOUR FOOT AND PUT THEM DOWN *

* SAID LIFT YOUR FOOT AND PUT THEM DOWN *

* THEM GOVERNMENT SHOES IS NOT YOUR OWN *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

* LEFT, RIGHT *

STOP RIGHT THERE!

I'M GOING TO GET THIS!

* HE COME, HE COME *

* THE SOLDIER A-COME *

* THE MILITIA, THEY POP-POP WITH A FIRE IN GUN *

WHAT THE HELL!

MOVE IT! GET YOUR--

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

* HEY, MON, THE SOLDIER TAKE OVER **

BARRY!

BARRY! I SCORED!

[LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING PLAYING]

AH! NICE OUTFIT.

YOU DIDN'T BRING THIS.

IS IT COTTON?

HOPSACK.

THAT'S COOL FOR THIS CLIMATE.

[GUNSHOT]

LET'S GO!

HOLD IT, MR. GUNDY. I GOT YOU COVERED.

YOU'RE ON MY PROPERTY.

YOU MOVE, AND I'LL SHOOT.

HOLD IT, MR. ISLAND JACK.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

LISTEN, I'M TRYING TO STOP A WAR, O.K.?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

RIGHT ON.

FIRE!

[GUNSHOT]

LIMBO TIME! HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

GO, GO, GO!

[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING]

HUH! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SHIT!

WHAT IS THIS?

A SCHOOLYARD RECESS?

GET UP! UP, UP!

ONWARD, TROOPS. GO ON!

LET'S GO! GO! GET THEM!

GO, JACK! RUN!

SURRENDER ERNEST REED,

AND YOU WILL ALL BE RELEASED UNHARMED!

HE'S NOT HERE.

KILL THEM ALL!

[WOMAN SOBS]

NO PRISONERS!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

RANDY--

SHUT UP.

LOOK! LOOK, MON!

* WAI-O, WAI-O *

* THE LION AWAKES AGAIN *

* WAI-O, WAI-O *

* THE LION AWAKES AGAIN *

* WAI-O, WAI-O... *

OH, YOUR GRACE! HA HA!

* LOOK OUT THE WAY *

* GET OUT THE WAY *

* DON'T YOU STAND UP IN HIS WAY *

* HERE IN THE JUNGLE *

* THE LION MUST ARISE *

* THERE'S GOING TO BE A RUMBLE *

* HE'S GOT FIRE IN HIS EYES *

* STAND CLEAR, MY SWEET THING *

* HE'S GOT FIRE IN HIS EYES *

* SO GET OUT THE WAY *

* LOOK OUT THE WAY *

* DON'T YOU STAND UP IN HIS WAY **

MR. GUNDY, AS THE OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE

OF HER BRITANNIC MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II,

I ORDER YOU TO WITHDRAW,

OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO SHOOT YOU.

WITHDRAW, SIR ANTHONY? NEVER!

SOLDIERS, DISPERSE THAT CROWD.

IF THEY DON'T MOVE, SHOOT THEM.

IF THEY SHOOT, YOU DIE.

IT'S AMAZING HOW PEOPLE CAN GET THEMSELVES

IN THESE SITUATIONS

WHEN, BASICALLY, YOU'RE NOT THAT FAR APART

ON THIS THING.

NOW, SOL-- MAY I CALL YOU SOL?

THIS HIGH-FINANCE THING

MAY LOOK GOOD NOW,

BUT A YEAR FROM NOW,

YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS WILL TURN ON YOU

AND GIVE YOU THE HOSING OF A LIFETIME.

THERE'S NOT MUCH LOYALTY IN BIG BUSINESS.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

FORGET THIS PLACE! YOU'LL LOVE THE CAYMANS.

BEAUTIFUL, JUST BEAUTIFUL.

AND THE FOOD!

THEY GOT LOBSTER AS BIG AS A CHILD.

THE BOAT SAILED WITHOUT YOU.

[HORN]

YAY!

WELL DONE, FIREMAN.

YOU, TOO, YOUR GRACE.

YEAH! VICTORY!

HA HA HA!

HEY, JACK, THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DONE FOR MY PEOPLE.

IT'S NO PROBLEM, MR. REED.

YOU'RE SO HOT, YOU CAN GET ELECTED POPE.

BUSINESS WILL BE SO GOOD FROM NOW ON.

CLUB PARADISE--

YOUR HOT SPOT FOR FUN WITH GUNS IN THE SUN.

LOOK AT ALL THIS WEED!

WE'RE SET FOR LIFE!

CHICKS IN MIAMI WILL LOVE IT.

WE'LL NEVER MAKE MIAMI WITH THIS MUCH WEIGHT!

WHAT?

NO!

* FIRE, FREE MY SOUL FROM BABYLON **

YAY!AHH!

* OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH YEAH *

* HEY *

* NO MAN IS AN ISLAND, JACK *

* YOU COULD BE TOUGHER THAN A ROCK *

* ONE AND ONE'S GOT TO MAKE CONTACT *

* TO GET ON THE RIGHT TRACK, YEAH *

* WHEN YOU SEE IN YOUR LIFE SOMETHING MISSING *

* AND FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU'RE WISHING *

* THERE'S A PLACE YOU CAN GO *

* WHERE THE VIBES ARE NICE *

* JUST LIKE PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE *

* CLUB PARADISE *

* SWEET PARADISE **

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN *

* MONDAY'S CALLING YOU TOO EARLY *

* WHEN YOU'RE SOUND ASLEEP *

* BELLS ARE RINGING BY YOUR BEDSIDE *

* AND OUT IN THE STREETS *

* USUALLY MONDAY'S LONG ENOUGH *

* BUT THIS IS JUST THE START *

* TUESDAY'S JUST THE SAME AS MONDAY *

* WITHOUT THE SURPRISING PART *

* WEDNESDAY'S POINT OF NO RETURN *

* WHEN YOU'VE SQUANDERED ALL YOU'VE EARNED *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

* OH, YES, THAT'S ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT *

* AS THE DAYS GO BY *

* SPEND YOUR LIFE ON HOLIDAY *

* AND EVEN WHEN I DIE *

* THERE COULD BE BUT ONE INSCRIPTION *

* "THIS WAS NOT HIS DAY" *

* IF IT ISN'T THURSDAY ANYMORE *

* IT MUST BE FRIDAY *

* I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I MAYBE *

* GET OFF WORK AND SEE MY BABY *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

OW!

* I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I MAYBE *

* GET OFF WORK AND SEE MY BABY *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND *

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND... **

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 WARNER BROS., INC.