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It's 15 minutes before they call my name,

and I'm about to shoot my special.

I don't know how it's gonna turn out.

I pray to god that what I've done

for over 22 years comes out tonight.

Durham, north Carolina,

I need you to get on your feet.

Make some noise for the man, earthquake!

Thank you, dj. Thank you.

How you doing, durham?

How you doing, durham?

No, how you doing?

Hell yeah.

Y'all looking good in the goddamn house.

Goddamn it, durham, motherfucking north Carolina.

I just got one public service announcement.

Brothers-- This is for the brothers.

I ain't got nothing wrong with the sisters.

Brothers, listen,

I don't have no problem with interracial dating.

But, brothers, if you're gonna get a white woman,

please get a white woman that a white man want.

Please get a white woman that a white man want.

Damn.

Walking around with her. "This is Becky."

Uglier than all outside.

White boys just coming by, "thank you, bro.

"I didn't know how we was gonna get her off the porch.

You came and saved us."

I understand some of you brothers mess with them

'cause economically, it's feasible.

I seen one brother with a white woman, she was way up there.

She was mad, saying, "if you ain't gonna hold my hand,

she was mad, saying, "if you ain't gonna hold my hand,

give me back my car keys."

Hey, he needed a ride.

But there ain't nothing wrong with it.

Find a woman that you want to be with, boy.

Love is the most beautiful thing.

You got to make sure you get the right one,

'cause love is the strongest emotion in the world, boy.

That's why when I meet a woman, I tell them straight up,

"look, I don't mind fighting for my woman.

But I do not fight for a woman."

A man will kill you over his damn woman.

Some of y'all women with them bipolar niggers right now.

Some of y'all women with them bipolar niggers right now.

Come home, start arguments for any reason--bipolar reason.

Just come home from work, kick the door in.

Boom!

"Where's the hot water I left in the freezer?

"You heard me.

"I bought some hot water, left it in the freezer.

"It ain't in there no more.

Get your ass up in there and go find that goddamn hot water."

Some of you women ain't laughing, 'cause like I said,

you with them right now.

You be waking in the morning, just crying,

"I can't take this shit no more.

"Come on, mama, daddy, can I move back home?

"Come on, mama, daddy, can I move back home?

"He is tripping.

"You can't leave no hot water in the freezer,

"think it gonna stay hot.

"Last week it was a Popsicle in the microwave.

"You can't leave no Popsicle in the microwave,

think it gonna stay frozen."

Bad part about it, your kids

got to come in there and help you out.

"Leave my mama alone.

"You ain't my real daddy.

"My daddy in jail.

"Soon as he get out, he gonna fuck you up.

"Soon as he get out, he gonna fuck you up.

He said he gonna do all this in 2019."

Some of y'all women be waiting for your man in jail.

Ahh, I can't go to jail.

That's why I don't understand why men

fight over women over jail.

I just don't get it. I just--

If that ain't your woman--

If she with somebody else, it ain't your woman.

And you killing the other dude ain't gonna change it.

You ain't solved the problem.

What you think, while you in jail,

she ain't gonna mess with nobody else?

She ain't gonna mess with nobody else?

Now you in jail. You found out she got a new man.

You got to break out there to kill him.

You're like, "what? She got somebody else?

"I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

I'm gonna dig right over to his mama house."

I can't go to jail.

I can't even stay in my room a hour.

I tell my son the other day, "look here, we don't do jail.

Not at all. It's a disrespect to our ancestors, period."

Now, don't get me wrong.

Certain stuff--you know, they say black people don't snitch.

I do. It's the truth.

I do. It's the truth.

I tell it how it is. I do.

You catch me, you caught us.

These ain't jokes.

Doing no goddamn time.

But you got to teach your son you don't do that.

Our ancestors worked too hard, man, to get out of chains

for you to get back into chains.

It can't happen.

I don't play jail or nothing, man.

My son was playing with his boys.

My son was playing with his boys.

They was playing monopoly. I seen his little piece in jail.

I just came by and knocked the game over.

Like, "what's wrong with you?"

"My daddy don't play that.

I told you, put me on park place."

It's the truth.

But I'm telling you,

everybody go to jail except for white people.

When white people commit crimes, now, you got to watch.

Them motherfuckers will kill everybody in this motherfucker.

Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, and pow.

They don't even look for a trial.

Pow.

Pow.

Now black people, we kill a lot of people,

but we don't kill ourselves.

"Why ain't you killing yourself?"

"Shit, I wasn't mad at me.

"It was that goddamn supervisor that pissed me off.

"Gonna fire me, then gonna mail my last check.

"I told him I was coming to pick it up.

"He goes, 'it's in the mail.'

"that's why I put a bullet in his ass.

Might as well go to jail. I ain't got no money."

Jail, that's the important part.

These ain't jokes.

These ain't jokes.

But what's pissing me off more than anything right now

is what's going on in the military.

Now these men that went over here and fought in the war

and come back to get at the va, and they gonna lie to them,

tell them they got a doctor's appointment in 25 days,

when it is 115 in real life.

They done died waiting to get some help.

Now, see, my personal opinion is,

I don't even know why we got a va for goddamn military.

Once you serve in the war for our country,

you should be able to go to any hospital anywhere.

I mean, I'm serious.

I mean, I'm serious.

People say they love the goddamn military.

They should be able to go to any hospital

and have priority.

You supposed to go into the emergency room

and go to the front and push somebody aside.

"Move the hell out the way.

"I was in Iraq.

I know you got shot, but I been shot at."

"I got a cough."

Talking about they love the goddamn military.

They love the military,

they love the military,

they shouldn't have to pay no taxes, free housing.

They supposed to get all that.

All that if you in the military, you done fought in a war.

I love the military. I was in the military.

I wanted to do 20 years. I only did nine.

I wanted to do 20,

but the war broke out.

And I had to tell them the truth.

I ain't no real soldier.

Now, I don't mind practicing for war,

but y'all are fighting for real, my brother.

And they was mad at me, like, "if you don't go over there

and they was mad at me, like, "if you don't go over there

and fight, we gonna take your stripes."

I was like, "you can take the stripes,

"the sleeves, the boots, and this heavy-ass helmet.

Just drop me back off at the recruiter office."

I joined the military to get out of my mama house.

I could stay at home to get shot at.

Stop the car, doughboy.

Stop the car.

I wasn't gonna fight in no war.

I was a terrible soldier.

I used to die when we got in simulated wars.

What I'm gonna go to the real one for?

What I'm gonna go to the real one for?

Man, you got to practice for war.

I was awful.

First day of war-- Practice war--

I die on the first day.

They put that chemical warfare gear on you, that helmet,

and say, "run over there and hit that hill."

I take, like, four steps and pass the fuck out.

They all run over there, "md, md, medic."

And they're like, "soldier, what's your name?"

I'm like, "casualty.

Prisoner of war.

Simulated torture me."

I'd be back in them barracks.

Other soldier like, "what you doing home?"

Other soldier like, "what you doing home?"

"I was killed the first day of the war."

I don't care if you laugh or not.

These ain't jokes. I was a terrible soldier.

I was in the military for nine years.

Came in as a e-1,

left as a e-1.

No progress.

There was people that was talking to their recruiters

that outranked me.

Just got in the military. "Go clean that up."

"Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

That's how long I was in there, man.

I was a terrible soldier.

I was a terrible soldier.

Ain't gonna fight in no war. See, I was in the first war.

Y'all don't understand. That was the Iraq the first.

We understand that one right there.

Everybody was patriotic.

Whitney Houston was singing at the super bowl.

Everybody was crying.

Everybody was--i was the only chip in the cookie

who said he ain't going.

And, see, that's why I love-- Thing about the military,

though we fight communism,

they preach communism, believe communist.

This is what I'm saying.

If you're a e-5 in the military,

if you're fighting in the war, you get the same money

if you're fighting in the war, you get the same money

as the e-5 that's working the snack bar.

So I was like, "you fight, and I give out these doughnuts.

You need more coffee, sir?"

'Cause I'm a man. 'Cause I know my limitation.

Man, that's the thing about--you got to know your limitations.

I never let nobody push me where I was supposed to be.

I'm gonna tell you something else I ain't qualified to do.

I ain't qualified to be no captain on no cruise liner.

I'll be damned if you think

I'll be damned if you think

you're gonna give me a funky little title

and a check and think I'm going down with your ship.

I ain't going down with the boat.

Let your ship start leaking, and you call me,

"where you at, captain?"

"The same place you at.

"Home, safe and dry.

"I don't know what's wrong with your boat,

"but I'm at the crib.

I'm gonna take a couple days off."

I would hope that I'd knock on all the cabins

if it's leaking, but I know me.

I'm gonna ring the bell one damn time, ding-dong.

And then I'm getting a rope and start climbing down the side.

And then I'm getting a rope and start climbing down the side.

You're damn right.

I don't play with my l.

Your life is the most precious thing that you got there.

You understand what I'm saying?

Michael Jackson gone, y'all.

Yeah, I didn't think Mike was really dead, man,

'cause, you know, a lot of celebrities

fake their death to get away from uncle Sam.

But I knew Michael was really dead.

I knew he was dead when I watched the funeral, TV,

I knew he was dead when I watched the funeral, TV,

and I seen Jermaine jacksun

had a solo at the funeral.

And this motherfucker was terrible.

♪ "When you sm" -- ♪

I was like, "boo, nigger. Boo."

He is awful.

♪ "When you" -- ♪

I had to put the TV on mute

just so I could pay my respects for the king.

♪ "When you" -- ♪

♪ "When you" -- ♪

I was like, "yeah, Mike dead."

'Cause there ain't no way Mike would let him

have a solo on his last show.

If Mike was alive, he would've ran over there.

"Give me that goddamn microphone.

"You're the reason why I left the group.

"Now get your ass back on that tambourine.

"And take all that vaseline off your face.

"You're the shiniest nigger I ever met in my life,

"you patent leather-face ass bastard.

Take that dreaded curl off your head."

♪ "When you" -- ♪

Boo, nigger. Boo.

Boo, nigger. Boo.

He was awful.

He's lucky I wasn't at the funeral.

I'd like, "do something, Joe Jackson.

"Slap him for old time's sakes.

He's messing up the family name."

75 million people watched the funeral.

You couldn't tell Jermaine he wasn't back on.

Day after the funeral, he dropped a cd.

It went double plywood.

It went double plywood.

I told him, "I'd rather listen to a blank tape

with nothing on it before I listen to one of your tracks."

♪ "When you sm" -- ♪

Boo, nigger. Boo.

These ain't jokes.

Shit. Y'all saw it.

Jermaine ain't got no goddamn talent.

The only reason why he was in the group 'cause Jackson 4

didn't roll off the tongue.

Jackson 4.

"No, we need five. Come on, Jermaine.

Bring this motherfucking tambourine on up here."

"I'm in the group. I'm in the group."

Get your black nose back.

You ain't getting enough circulation

through the nostrils.

♪ "When you" -- ♪

Boo, boo, boo, boo.

Boo, boo, boo, boo.

Still got a curl.

It's 2014, and it's greasy.

Look like he just came from django.

It do. He got that civil rights no.

"No.

"No. No.

♪ "When you-- ♪

No."

People dropping.

You got to take care of your goddamn self.

See my girl Whitney Houston gone.

Gone. Checked out.

Everybody jumped all on her, talking about she doing drugs.

She did drugs.

Hey, man, everybody got trials and tribulations.

I'm serious. That's what I hate.

Some people are so damn judgmental.

We all got vices, certain things you do.

Shit, more people die on prescription drugs

than they do illegal drugs.

Now, you don't see mama going to jail for that.

Now, you don't see mama going to jail for that.

I still don't understand how brothers sell crack cocaine,

'cause that's a setup.

You get caught with crack cocaine,

you get 15 years mandatory.

You get caught with cocaine, you get probation.

Only difference between crack and cocaine is baking soda.

So if I sold crack on the block,

I would have to change my game according to the law.

"Quake, you got that crack?"

"Yeah, I got that crack.

"Here's your cocaine.

"Here's your cocaine.

"Here's your baking soda.

"You got to cook it for yourself.

They're giving a nigger 15 years for that recipe."

See, I ain't a judgmental motherfucker.

I used to do cocaine.

Shit, I remember one time,

nigger, I got so high on cocaine,

I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.

Nigger, I parked at the hospital

case I had to call 911.

"Where you at?"

"Where you at?"

"Come outside.

"I'm the brother in the Lexus with three strippers.

"I just did two eight balls,

"and my bitch-ass heart don't want to play no more.

"But before you send the paramedics,

"stop by my house and get $2,000, 'cause these hoes

ain't gonna let me ride with you without paying them."

These ain't jokes. Shit.

'Cause hoes don't believe shit.

"Ain't nothing wrong with your heart, motherfucker.

"You're gonna pay me my goddamn money.

"You're gonna pay me my goddamn money.

"I been sucking your dick for three hours.

"Don't play that heart attack shit.

"Soon as you bust a nut, now you need a ride.

"You're gonna pay me my motherfucking money.

"I'll drive your ass to the atm, nigger.

"If you can dial 911,

"you can put your p.I.N. Number in there, motherfucker.

You're gonna pay me my motherfucking money."

Hoes don't believe shit.

But that was a past motherfucking life.

I've been through these trials and tribulation.

I've been through these trials and tribulation.

If you've been through trials--

I'm talking about-- These ain't jokes.

So I ain't quick to judge

motherfuckers that go through shit.

That's why I tell my black people right now,

health is wealth.

You ain't got no health, you ain't got nothing.

Telling you just like that.

I ain't--these ain't jokes.

I'm trying to work out,

but the shit just ain't working out.

Getting in shape is the hardest shit in the world.

I ain't lying to you. Try it out.

If you really want to know how long a minute is,

if you really want to know how long a minute is,

get your ass on that treadmill.

You'll have a new appreciation for 60 seconds.

You'll be like, "damn, only 23 seconds.

"Okay, look up. We can get five minutes.

"Come on. Jeez.

Ooh, four minutes."

You just get off. "Fuck that.

"Only five minutes?

"You're bullshitting.

"I only lost 19 calories.

"That's a bite of a snicker.

"That's a bite of a snicker.

"I ate three of them last week.

I ain't gonna lose no goddamn weight."

Your friends be like, "what you doing?"

"Hey, man, I'm getting off of that motherfucker.

"My heart is pumping like I'm on cocaine.

"And I can read. It say, 'if you feel faint,

get the fuck off.'"

and you never want to join the gym during January and February.

The gym be packed like it's a club.

And you can always tell the new people,

'cause they be all around the equipment,

reading the instructions.

Reading the instructions.

"Yeah, they say this the one help your chest."

Certain people go to the gym

five time, don't be doing nothing.

Having one dumbbell in front of the mirror.

Get your ass out of here.

People keep on telling me, "quake, get a trainer."

I'm like, "I ain't got no trainer problem.

I got a trainee problem."

As soon as I hire a trainer, I'll be calling him,

"look here, you don't need to come in today.

"Look here, you don't need to come in today.

"It's raining outside.

Let's start next month."

Some people work out too much.

You know what I'm saying? What you trying to prove?

Ain't nobody fighting no more.

You want to get in shape or get all big.

Ain't nobody fighting nobody.

People shooting.

A one-armed nigger can kill you now.

Pow.

But health is wealth.

That's one thing Barack did for us is Obama health care.

Obamacare is it for us.

And black men, y'all need to go to jail--

I mean, y'all need to go to the doctor.

Some of y'all ain't seen your doctor

since your six-months immunization shot.

At all. What y'all laughing for?

You ain't never fucked up at your job?

All judgmental as shit.

"He said 'jail' first."

Boy, black people be on your ass.

Boy, black people be on your ass.

"Did you hear him say 'jail?'

"now he gonna say 'the hospital.'

he fucked up." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."

I've been sitting here, looking at all of y'all just talk.

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."

Like I brung the fucked-up potato salad to the cookout.

"It was his tater salad that was so bad.

"It was his tater salad that was so bad.

It was his."

Like I said,

best thing ever happened for us--obamacare.

President got health care.

Black men, you need to go to the doctor.

One thing about women, they go to doctor.

They feel something wrong, they go to a doc.

Black men, we don't go to the doctor.

Some of y'all ain't seen your last doctor

since your six-months immunization shot.

Got a cyst on the back of your elbow.

You're trying to rub it off.

Some of y'all got a summer cold, coughing today at the cookout.

"Ooh, this is a summer cold."

"Well, you had this cold in December.

You ain't supposed to be coughing two years in a row."

Take care of yourself.

Health is wealth. Stop worrying about your money.

Worry about your health.

I learned that a long time ago when Steve Jobs died.

One of the richest men in the world,

had all the money in the world, but he's out of here.

Do you know how it must feel to have all the money in the world,

you can buy anything,

but what you need is not for sale?

But what you need is not for sale?

He was out of a liver.

He needed a liver.

He done discovered and made up everything,

but what he did not do was come up with a app for a liver.

Do you know how bad that must feel?

You can buy anything, man.

And you're talking to my lord and savior,

talking about, "hey, give me a little bit more time.

I want to do great stuff," and god's like, "no,

"I need to see you in the office.

You done did enough."

Do you know how that must feel?

Do you know how that must feel?

You're laying in a bed.

You need a liver, and it's not for sale.

You got $20 billion in the bank.

Then you look outside and see a crackhead,

and he got a good-ass liver.

He ain't got a house or a pot to piss out of, none of that.

But his liver working.

Liver's smoking,

cleaning that crack out.

And you're eating the best food and everything,

and you're eating the best food and everything,

and your liver ain't worth a dime.

Come on, man.

I know he sat around like, "man,

"what the hell I come up with angry bird app for?

Should've came up with an app for a liver."

Gone, gone.

That's why you got take care of yourself.

I had a health scare.

I thought I was about to get up out of here.

I was laying in the bed, just chilling, watching TV.

Da, da-da-da-da-da, da, da.

All of a sudden, my heart just started pump-itating.

All of a sudden, my heart just started pump-itating.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Doo. Doo, doo, doo.

I was like, "ooh, Jesus. Today?

"On a Wednesday, lord?

"I ain't gonna finish the rest of the week?

"I can't die on Wednesday.

"Scandal come on tomorrow.

"What did I do not to see the season finale?

"I wasn't that bad of a Christian.

"Can't kill me on no Wednesday.

"Black people don't go to no funeral on Friday.

"Black people don't go to no funeral on Friday.

Gonna have to postpone my funeral."

And then doo, doo, doo.

My heart going doo, doo, doo.

I'm like, "ooh, Jesus." Called 911.

Came, picked me up.

Took me to the hospital. My doctor came.

I said, "what's going on, doc?" He said, "hey, man.

"We're gonna run some tests,

see what's going on with your heart."

"All right." Ran the tests.

EKG, stress test, another time on this damn treadmill.

This time, they got wires on it.

This time, they got wires on it.

Come back with the diagnosis.

"Hey, you got high blood pressure

"and a irregular heartbeat.

"For your condition, we're gonna have to put you

"on this medication called a beta block.

"Now, for your condition, there's only three medicines

"out here for it.

"And the bad thing about the medicine is,

"they have high side effects.

"And I got to find within these three,

"which side effect can you deal with your standard of living.

Do you know what the side effect of drugs is?"

I'm like, "yeah, man. I'm from the city.

"If you do crack cocaine, you suck dick.

"If you do crack cocaine, you suck dick.

That's a side effect."

Y'all slow, but stay with me.

So he said, "yeah, you got it." I'm like, "all right."

He said, "I'm gonna write you the first prescription.

"See how it works for you.

See can you deal with the side effect."

Gave me the first one. I took it.

Thought I was cool, but, nigger, I was jumping around.

It made me thug.

It made me thug.

It was like, "nigger, what's up with you?"

I wanted to fight everybody. "Nigger, what's up?"

My boy like, "so what's wrong?"

"Nigger, they got me on this shit."

And you can't be around black people just jumping around.

I almost started three or four fights at the cookout.

I was at the club doing like this.

People started running. "What's going on?"

I'm like, "no, I'm on some medicine."

I went back to see my doctor.

Like, "how you doing?" Like, "look at me.

"You gonna keep me on this, I'm gonna need a pistol.

I can't just be around black people like this.

I can't just be around black people like this.

I'm ready to hit your ass."

He was like, "all right, let me take you off of this."

I said, "all right now." So he took me off the first one.

He said, "here's the second one.

Try that one. See how that go."

I took it. Thought I was cool.

But it gave me diarrhea.

I didn't feel fresh.

I'd eat corn, nigger, I'd see corn.

Ass just raw.

I mean, I'm shitting 15, 16 times a day.

I mean, I'm shitting 15, 16 times a day.

Ass is raw.

I mean, I'm shitting shit I ain't ate in years.

I'm on the toilet like, "is that pig feet?

"I ain't had no pig feet since I was in the fifth grade.

"There go my whistle.

"I owe Mikey a apology.

"He was right. He didn't steal my whistle.

"I did eat it out the cracker Jack box.

"I did eat it out the cracker Jack box.

I owe him a apology."

Ass just raw.

And I'm gonna tell you right now, when you got diarrhea,

you can't be confident,

'cause you don't know if you got to fart

or you gonna shit on yourself.

One time I was walking, thought it was a fart.

And I was like, "oh, that ain't no motherfucking--

That ain't no goddamn fart."

"Where you going?" "I'm going home, motherfucker.

"I ain't going to the club.

"I done fucked around and shitted on myself.

"I done fucked around and shitted on myself.

Oh, that ain't no fart."

Ass just raw.

Colon clean.

Losing weight, but that ain't the way I wanted to.

One time I was shitting so much

I didn't even want to wipe my ass.

I just went in the bathroom and let the shower just run down

in my fucking--can't let nothing touch it no more.

It's too raw.

Now I'm all in the tub, taking corn out of it.

Now I'm all in the tub, taking corn out of it.

Fuck y'all.

I ain't shit in there 'cause I wanted to.

It was the medicine.

Y'all so judgmental.

Ew!

So I went back to see my doctor.

He was like, "how you doing with the new medicine?"

I say, "I'm wearing a pamper.

"If you're gonna keep me on this,

I'm gonna need a prescription for pampers."

'Cause when you're over 40 pounds, they only give you two.

You get down to 10 pounds, you can get 400 of them.

You get down to 10 pounds, you can get 400 of them.

It's too expensive for two.

I said, "man, I don't know if I can stay on it.

My friends be messing with me, calling me shitty-quake."

Like, "where he at?" "He's shitting again."

You gonna call me shitty-quake?

Yeah, it was shitty-quake.

"He around here wearing a depend."

So he's like, "all right, man." That's not cool.

No, it ain't cool. He said, "listen.

"I'm gonna take you off of this.

"This is the last medicine for it. Try the third one.

"This is the last medicine for it. Try the third one.

"See what the side effect with this one is.

"Now, between these three,

"you're gonna have to pick one out.

But you got to pick one of them for your heart now."

It's like, "all right, this is the last one?"

He's like, "yeah, this is the last one."

I'm like, "all right, give it to me."

Like, I don't know what y'all go through.

But when I go through any trial and tribulation,

I take it straight to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Soon as I filled the prescription up,

I went straight to church and hold the pill up

in front of the pew.

"Please, Jesus, bless this pill.

Let it anoint and give it to me

what it need to be, in the whole world,

what it need to be, in the whole world,

amen."

Took the pills and thought my prayers were answered.

Thought I ain't had no side effects.

Went for a week, nothing, I thought.

Till I tried to make love to my woman.

Yeah, man, my dick didn't get hard.

This time I ran to the doctor.

Said, "look here. I need to get my pampers back,

"'cause I'll be damned if I'll be around here with a soft dick

and a good heart."

That ain't no quality of life.

That ain't no quality of life.

And if I got to pick between my dick and my heart,

it ain't even a choice.

I'd rather die of stroke

with a hard dick than be around this motherfucker,

sitting on the porch with an oodle of noodle dick.

And if I got to pick between my dick and my heart,

it ain't even a choice.

Me and my dick get along.

Fuck my bitch-ass heart.

My dick go over to a girl house,

want to have a good time and leave.

My heart want to stay over there, pay bills and shit,

help her on the cable.

Fuck my bitch-ass heart.

My dick like, "that ain't your son."

My dick like, "that ain't your son."

My heart like, "no, he needs a father figure."

Fuck my bitch-ass heart.

I never got along with my heart.

My dick never went on a girl's Twitter page.

My heart be all on her Facebook, "who she with?"

He said-- But he came back,

he was like, "hey, the only side effect you got,

you ain't got no erection?"

Like, "yeah, that's the only side effect of the last drug."

Like, "yeah, that's the only side effect of the last drug."

He's like, "that's good."

I'm like, "you speak for yourself."

I'm worried, man, sitting around.

You ain't got no-- Your boy ain't hunting no more.

Who want to live like that?

You got an old dog just sitting on the porch that don't bark.

You know how it is, brother. You be looking at your dick.

"Come on, get up.

Come on, do it for me."

He's like, "no, if that's

"the only side effect, we can work with that.

"The only side effect, we can work with that.

We can get you some Cialis or Viagra."

I'm like, "man, I ain't taking that."

- Yes, you are. - Yeah, you ain't lying, baby.

I'm taking it. Yeah.

And that's one thing about that Viagra and that Cialis.

That shit works.

I took three of them tablets.

This shit gave me my money back.

She was like, "I don't know what you been taking,

"but you can keep this $50.

"You understand?

Got to find another way to pay my goddamn electric bill."

Got to find another way to pay my goddamn electric bill."

But you can't take too many of them.

I had a nightmare that I messed around

and took my whole bottle of Cialis and had a heart attack

and died.

And my boys was my pallbearer at my funeral

and couldn't even close the casket.

And they was arguing. "Push it down. You sit on it."

"Nigger, we ain't that close.

He's just gonna have to be buried like this."

He's just gonna have to be buried like this."

But if you got some Cialis,

let me tell you something, brother.

You got to have a woman on your team

that don't change her mind.

I had a girl let me take

the Cialis and then changed her mood.

"I don't feel like it."

I'm like, "shit, somebody fucking me tonight.

"You better get your mama on the phone.

We need a team player in this motherfucker."

And then women want to manage that

like they want to manage everything else in your life.

Like they want to manage everything else in your life.

Once your woman find out you go on Cialis

and you're taking them pills to make her satisfied,

she want to manage that.

Be all at the movie, "take your pill.

"It'll kick in by the time this movie over.

"I ain't gonna stay waiting at night,

waiting for it to kick in again."

Be all at church, "take your pill.

When you bow your head, just slip it in your mouth."

'Cause women want to be satisfied.

Yes, they want to be satisfied.

The day a woman's being second,

you just not satisfying them sexually, it is over with.

Shit, I love a woman with a vibrator.

Between the vibrator and me,

we will get you where you need to be.

We in search of the championship.

I'll let the vibrator go first.

Then I get in that motherfucker.

Then I get in that motherfucker.

Oh, shit, I got a hamstring pull.

Go ahead, finish.

Finish her? Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, I done pulled it again.

Man, I know this.

See, these ain't jokes.

When I meet a woman, I tell them just like this.

Look here, man.

See, first of all,

you ain't never have to worry about me being in a sex tape.

I don't fuck that long.

I don't fuck that long.

I can't fuck past the commercial.

It's still like the first time I got it.

I got four strong strokes.

Rolling over. "Get on your side of the bed."

"It's wet over there."

"That's you.

"That couldn't be me.

I got my shit in a ziploc bag."

If I'm gonna do a sex tape,

it's gonna have to be in segments.

It's gonna have to be in segments.

You'll be watching the tape,

"why does the sheets keep changing colors?

"He's doggie styling, then he's sleeping,

then he's up again."

My manhood has never been judged

on how I can sexually satisfy you or not.

Better go on, get it in. But you got to.

You get the right one, it'll work out.

See, I believe in love.

See, I believe in love.

Love is the strongest emotion in the world.

These ain't jokes.

Like the Boston marathon--

Remember they had the terrorist, where the bombs went off?

All of us seen it as a terrorist act.

I did too,

but I also seen love in it,

'cause I love women so much.

And the reason I thought it-- You know, in the United States,

it's the first time ever something happened

in a metropolitan city such as big as Boston

that when that bomb went off,

they shut down the whole city.

And what I mean by "shut down the whole city--"

all transportation-- No cabs, no buses, no driving,

all transportation-- No cabs, no buses, no driving,

no planes, no nothing.

And they also said if they caught anybody in the streets,

they gonna lock their ass up,

and they're going to jail, and they ain't gonna get out

until they find the real terrorists.

Now, all I thought was,

and all that was going through my mind is, "whoo.

"I feel sorry for that brother

that's over the wrong bitch house tonight."

"He got to make a decision..."

"If they don't find him by 11:30.

"Do I go to jail?

Do I let my woman know I'm fucking around?"

Want to know if your man love you or not?

All you got to do is check your text messages.

If you write his ass a long-ass text,

and he don't reply but nothing but, "k,"

that ain't your boo.

That's one thing about women though.

That's one thing about women though.

Women can handle when their heart get broke.

They got girlfriends,

pity Patty committees.

It is their obligation as their girlfriend

to help them get over you.

All they got to do is call. "What's wrong?"

"He did me wrong." "don't worry, girl.

"I'm on my way to come pick you up.

We going to the club.

"I already know some motherfucker

"that'll love you right now.

"Got a better job than you and everything.

"I ain't want to say nothing, but he wasn't shit.

"I ain't want to say nothing, but he wasn't shit.

"I never liked his ass when I met him.

What kind of dude just buy you a drink and all four of us there?"

Brother, when your heart get broke,

your boy don't give a damn.

It take him six months to see something wrong with you.

You laying in the couch,

losing weight, PlayStation control all on your chest.

He come in all, "what's up, my man?

What's wrong with you?" "Man, my girl."

"Nigger, you crying over a bitch?

"Nigger, you crying over a bitch?

"That's what this over? Man, I thought you was sick.

Man, this ain't a good look."

But you got to get a smart girl.

Yeah, you got to get a smart goddamn girl.

I had one chick, man.

I don't know what was going on in her life,

but every month, she needed help on her rent.

I'm like, "damn, did you read your lease?

"Every time I come over to your house on the seventh,

"every time I come over to your house on the seventh,

it's a letter on that."

She wasn't smart though.

She the kind of woman that don't pay her rent

but pay her light bill.

She get put out, and her lights still on.

So she see all her stuff, but she can't get it.

And it's hard out here, finding a good woman, man.

And it's hard out here, finding a good woman, man.

So if you got a good woman on your team, keep her,

'cause that's something money can't buy.

As a heterosexual man, I love women to death.

But it's weak out here for us, 'cause everything

we find attractive in a woman, now they can buy.

Hair, nail, eyelashes, titties, ass.

I was down in Miami, man, for Memorial Day weekend.

This chick had a fake ass,

and one of them was just letting air out as she was walking.

And we could see it just going down.

Some of y'all ain't laughing, 'cause you in here now.

So when I see a woman ain't attractive now,

like, "whoo, you must be broke.

"There's no reason for you to look like this.

"You need a stimulus package.

"You truly are independent.

"It's just you and the lord right now.

"You are walking in faith.

"This too shall pass.

"This too shall pass.

"You are on the beach with just two sets of footprints.

"Stay strong. Don't let them steal your joy.

"You have one set of footprints.

"You will be all right.

This too shall pass."

Some of you women ain't laughing.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm just telling you, I just love women so much.

I don't care what you look like.

I'll mess with you if you're a little ugly.

I'll mess with you if you're a little ugly.

Some of the best loving I ever got in my life

came from a little ugly.

I'll mess with a little ugly.

That's an untouched resource.

Some of you women don't know if you're ugly or not.

I'll give you a clue.

If you're at the club, and you're in front of a bar,

and a dude just knock you to the side--

"get the fuck out of here.

Let me get a rum and coke."

You a little ugly.

I fuck with a little ugly.

But when I date a little ugly,

I say, "look here, little ugly, don't do nothing special.

I say, "look here, little ugly, don't do nothing special.

"Don't come over to the house dancing all seductive,

"burning candles, trying to seduce me.

"Come on now, little ugly.

"Get in the bedroom before you kill the mood.

"I got my t-shirt on. Put your t-shirt back on.

"Come on now, little ugly.

"You ain't got no socks on.

"We talked about this shit.

"You scratched the shit out of my thigh the last time

"your ass ain't have no socks on.

Come on now, little ugly."

Some of y'all ain't laughing, cause you're a little ugly.

Some of y'all ain't laughing, cause you're a little ugly.

Little ugly-ass.

And a little ugly ain't never sleep.

Her, you can call at, like, 5:30 in the morning.

"What you doing?" "I'm up. I'm up. I'm up.

Just reading the Bible. I'm up, I'm up."

"Come on now, little ugly.

"Get over the room before you kill the mood.

And turn that light off."

"The light is off. That's the moon."

"Well, close the curtains.

"Well, close the curtains.

"You know we don't do nothing with no curtains open.

Get under the covers before you kill the mood."

But be careful out here, man.

If you got a good woman on your team, keep them.

That's something money can't buy you, man.

I'm telling you now, be on it.

You got to be careful what you're doing out here.

Find the right one. Don't want to have no kids.

I got three kids. I love them to death.

I just wish somebody else was their mama.

These ain't jokes.

Then I got my son, man. Little 12-year-old.

That's it. He just graduated.

I flew out to L.A., 'cause I'm in New York.

But his moms, they huxtable.

They go to all his function. Don't care what he do.

Everything he do, his family-- Her side of the family go.

Her family is from Ohio. My son live in L.A.

They fly out to all his basketball games,

they fly out to all his basketball games,

recitals and everything.

He graduated.

45 of them came to the graduation.

I was the only person from my side of the family.

So his grandmother gonna come up to me, talking about, "hey,

your mother didn't come out here to see her grandbaby graduate?"

I'm like, "yeah.

"My mama told me to tell y'all

"she ain't flying all the way out here

"and losing a day of work

"for a motherfucker going from the six to the seven.

"Said that's what he's supposed to do.

"She wondered why y'all are all coming out here for.

What is he, retarded?"

And if he was retarded, she would've came out there.

"Way to go, little man-man."

These ain't jokes.

I'm telling you, it's the truth.

My son, my boy, I love him to death.

And he a boy too, man.

He love Kobe Bryant.

He love Kobe Bryant.

Whatever you can do to raise your kids, man, use it.

'Cause Kobe Bryant is my son's father.

These ain't jokes. It is.

Anything I want my son to do,

I say, "you don't think Kobe brush his teeth?

You don't think Kobe take a shower?"

My son a boy.

That nigger don't take no shower.

He run the bath water, just put his arm in there.

He run the bath water, just put his arm in there.

Come out funky as I don't know what.

"Get your funky ass in there and wash up."

"Take them Batman drawers off.

"You can't wear Batman for a whole week.

"How you gonna fight crime if he on his ass?

"Spongebob don't supposed to have

"no black line down the back of him.

You done fucked around, turned spongebob into a Jamaican."

He a boy.

His mother like, "when he gonna brush his teeth?"

His mother like, "when he gonna brush his teeth?"

I say, "when he meet a girl."

Most men in here, the only reason

we do everything we do is for women.

Soon as he meet a woman that like him,

or a little girl that like him, and he say,

"how you doing?" "Ew, your breath stink."

And he'll be in there.

I'm like, "what's her name?"

"Lisa.

She said my breath stink."

My son, my man. I love him to death.

Spend a lot of money to have him in my goddamn life.

Spend a lot of money to have him in my goddamn life.

And that's my man. My son is a boy.

I had him in my house the other day.

And he in the room. I hear him start crying.

Like, "what the fuck going on with my son?"

Hear him singing in the back.

♪ "These chicks ain't loyal" ♪

Like, "god damn, somebody done broke my son heart."

So I go talk to him. I'm like,

"what's wrong with you?" "Nothing."

I don't know about your son, but my son do not talk.

Little boys don't talk. Make me feel bad.

I call him on the phone, "how you doing?"

I call him on the phone, "how you doing?"

"Nothing." "How was school?"

"Good." "What you gonna do today?"

"Nothing." "Man, fuck it.

"Just hang the phone up.

Fuck talking to your ass."

But my son is my man,

and my son is a boy.

Lot of people got sons.

But they ain't boys.

I don't know why you signing that nigger up for football.

He gonna be tackling niggers but not the way

you want him to tackle.

You want him to tackle.

You bought him the wrong kind of shoulder pads.

He want the one that slide in your sweater.

I see some of y'all ain't laughing.

I don't give a fuck.

It's a possibility. You got to ask.

I'd love my son if he was gay or not.

But he's a boy.

And if he was a gay boy, I still would've loved him.

And I will love him.

But there's certain shit I can't help him with,

'cause I don't know how to get a man back.

I have to refer him to his uncle pj.

I have to refer him to his uncle pj.

And his uncle pj keep a good man on the side.

But y'all, "ooh." Ain't nothing wrong with it.

Shit. Find out what's up.

Especially in the black community, you better ask.

Shit, I went to Atlanta. All the peaches are gone.

Ain't nothing but plums down in that bitch.

I was like, "god damn.

"The season has changed.

"This is a whole different market down in this bitch.

They ain't got nothing but plums down in this bitch."

You want to be gay, be gay.

This is the greatest country in the world, man.

You want to be gay, be gay.

And I damn sure ain't got nothing against no gay men.

I love gay men. You want to know why?

'Cause I am a flaming heterosexual man.

So the more gay men in the world,

that's more women for me, niggers.

Matter of fact, I love going to the club and see gay men.

That allow me to be more aggressive.

I can walk in the club,

"that nigger right there don't want you.

"That nigger right there don't want you.

"He got the same blouse you got. You better look at me.

"I'm the last choice you got.

"Now make up your mind.

"Do you want your hair done or your rent paid?

'Cause you can't have both."

I love gay men.

One night, I dreamed all you niggers turned gay

and I was the only heterosexual man in the country.

I had to have a raffle for my dick

like powerball every Friday.

Like powerball every Friday.

I come on TV, "15, 18, 19, 24, 35; Powerball, 17.

"That's you, keisha. Come on.

"You the only one getting dick, girl.

Instagram it."

I love women

and will not make no excuses for it.

I just want to make sure that I don't mess with the wrong one.

That's why I teach my son to love hisself.

And by love yourself, it's wait for miss right.

Do not mess with miss right now.

Do not mess with miss right now.

Brothers, you know what it is. You meet a woman.

She ain't the woman of your dreams,

nor are you the man of hers.

Y'all are two consenting adults

having a good-ass time, kicking it.

You're not the man of her dreams,

nor is she the woman of yours.

Y'all are adults.

Why is she with you? She's your girl.

When she gets away from you, it's whatever.

You can see her in public.

If she don't say nothing, you don't say nothing.

Real adult shit.

You keep on. One day, you're kicking it with her,

you keep on. One day, you're kicking it with her,

having a good time, y'all are intimate.

You irresponsible, don't wear no protection.

She don't say nothing. You don't say nothing.

Now you kicking it with--now, after you ain't wearing nothing,

you're like "ooh.

"I like how that feel. I ain't gonna do that.

I ain't going back to the condom no more."

You keep on with this irresponsible act,

thinking your birth control--

Pulling it out, back and forth.

Ain't working. One time you slip up.

She wake up in the morning talking about, "ooh, I'm late."

You're like, "what, for work?

"Better get on out of here, boo.

"Better get on out of here, boo.

"I don't want you to lose your job

fucking with a brother like me."

She like, "no, I'm late late."

You're like, "ooh, late late."

That means she pregnant.

See, when a woman is pregnant,

that's when you got to be compassionate

but yet tell your side of the story.

"I'm pregnant." "Okay, baby.

"What are we gonna do?

'Cause I got my half of the money."

Fuck y'all.

I remember this ugly chick told me she was pregnant.

I ain't think it was mine. But for 450,

I ain't think it was mine. But for 450,

I ain't want to take the chance.

So I took her to the clinic.

And people was all in front of the building

talking about "stop abortion."

Like, "not today. Move that goddamn sign.

"Mind your business.

"She had a choice.

"Don't look at them, baby. Look at me.

"Stay focused.

"We gonna get through this.

"We talked about it all last night.

"Soon as you get out of here, we going to red lobster,

get all the biscuits you want."

Get all the biscuits you want."

I see some of you women shaking your heads.

I don't give a fuck.

That's the most-- No, 'cause it's the most--

That's the most misconceived thing about men,

period, especially black men.

Like we ain't dream.

I wanted the woman of my dreams to be the mother of my kids.

I didn't want three households--

Me to be taking care of three different households.

I wanted one woman to be the mother of my three kids,

and I'd walk through that one house and go to room to room.

That's why I ain't got no goddamn money now,

that's why I ain't got no goddamn money now,

having three--taking care of four fucking households.

Tired of playing Santa in four different places.

"You ready? Good morning.

Merry Christmas."

By the time you get to the fourth house,

you just throw it in the front yard.

We dream about that too.

Black men want the woman of--

But after notification, we don't have no rights.

It's just it.

Even if we want to be a father, and you don't want

even if we want to be a father, and you don't want

to be a mother, we can't be a father.

You want to be a mother, we got to be a father.

And I deal with that, 'cause I'm a great father.

I don't need nobody telling me.

You know why I know I'm a great father?

'Cause I got a child support refund check.

'Cause I pay overage,

'cause I'm an independent contractor.

If I don't work, I don't get paid.

There's no sick leave, no nothing.

This is it as an independent contractor.

And I have a person on my team.

If I miss a payment, she will take me to court.

So I put extra, extra, extra, in case I get sick,

so I put extra, extra, extra, in case I get sick,

I can take some time off.

I'm already up to a year right now.

God help me that my health stay good.

That mean if I keep paying extras,

instead of having to pay in 18 years,

the payments gonna stop in 15.

And one thing I know,

when you're getting that kind of money,

they never plan for when it get cut off.

And at 15, that money cut off, that when they come back,

trying to get you again, dressed up.

Trying to get you again, dressed up.

Like, "man, if you don't get that old pussy out of here.

"You ain't getting me twice. Get the fuck out of here.

You caught me before. Get out of here."

And that's the truth.

I don't give a fuck if you laugh or not.

'Cause I dream. I see cinderella.

I see myself as a black prince, meeting a beautiful black woman,

slide a slipper on her foot, and living happily ever after.

That shit a rap when you got you got three baby mamas, man.

That shit a rap when you got you got three baby mamas, man.

Listen, Disney don't write that script.

You finally meet the woman of your dreams,

try to slide the slipper on her foot.

Here your baby mama coming.

"Who this bitch you buying shoes for?"

You got to tell her, "go on, leave, cinderella.

"Run now, before she busts the windows out your carriage.

"You don't know her.

She gonna poison your horse and everything."

It's funny, man.

It's funny, man.

I have dreams, man.

The woman I dream about more than anything is Alicia keys.

Whoo.

I know that if I met Alicia keys,

I'm telling y'all right now, raw, first night.

I trust her.

Alicia keys my baby.

Alicia keys could come out an a.I.D.S. Clinic crying.

I'd run over there, "we sick, boss?

"We gonna be losing weight and everything?

"Seeing the world for the last time?

Bucket list?"

I know some of you women hate on

Alicia keys, call her a home wrecker.

Shit, I hope she come wreck my motherfucking home.

I'll leave my whole family for Alicia keys.

"See you later, son.

"Be happy for your daddy.

"Look at your mama. Look at Alicia keys.

"I taught you to make good decisions.

"I taught you to make good decisions.

Why you think your daddy ain't gonna take this blessing?"

White women too. Shit.

I ain't prejudiced.

Angelina Jolie, let me meet her.

Raw, first night.

I trust her.

That's my kind of white woman,

finer than a motherfucker, rich, got big lips,

and don't mind raising little black kids.

I'll tell her, "you ain't got to go to Africa.

"I got a son right down the street.

"I got a son right down the street.

"Make a left, blow the horn.

You ain't even got to knock on the door."

I got to talk to my people right here too.

Donald Sterling,

we got all upset 'cause he got on there and started saying

he didn't want black people at his games and shit.

People got upset. "Sell the team. Sell the team."

I'm like, "why you pressing him to sell the team?

I'm like, "why you pressing him to sell the team?

He ain't getting none of the money off it."

But then he sold the team.

He sold the clippers for $2 billion.

And I was like, "god damn."

I'm telling you right now,

if I was Donald Sterling,

and I sold the clippers for $2 billion,

I'd go to a black club in L.A. and say, "thank you, niggers.

"There's no way I could've did this without you.

"There's no way I could've did this without you.

"I sold a team that was worth $4.50

for $2 billion."

I don't give a fuck if you laugh or not.

I know every--after he sold the clippers for $2 billion,

every nba owner was like,

"man, I need to call somebody a nigger."

Probably walk to a black man, "nigger, nigger, nigger.

"Get it on tape.

Go ahead, leak it. Leak it. Leak it."

It's the truth, man. I live in L.A.

It's the truth, man. I live in L.A.

I got season tickets to the Lakers.

The clippers tickets come with it.

The clippers don't got no stadium.

They rent out the staples center.

No concession, no parking.

In other words,

he sold 15 black men for $2 billion.

Nigger, please.

Nigger, please.

Some of y'all black people don't know.

I'm telling you, it's the goddamn truth.

And then I didn't have a problem with it,

because I'm not a hypocrite.

He said it in a private conversation what it is.

And I didn't think supposed to lose the goddamn team.

And if that's the precedence that you're gonna set,

then I was fearful that, hey, man, shit.

It could happen to us.

Because if you really understand--

If that's what you're gonna set the precedent,

don't never, ever go to a black barber shop.

'Cause you hear brothers all the time,

"fuck that cracker."

"Fuck that cracker."

And then you see him at his job,

"how you doing, Mr. Charlie?

Good to see you, sir."

And I would hate for somebody to bring a tape.

"Didn't you just say 'cracker' right there?

We need to see you in the office."

I'm not a hypocrite,

because I don't let racism mess with me.

Like, they play with our emotions with it.

We already know it exists.

If you don't know it exists, what was you shocked about?

If you don't know it exists, what was you shocked about?

Now you just got a face to it.

And then you're arguing like the brothers

supposed to quit their job.

Don't play. Yeah.

Would you lose your good-ass job

'cause you found out you was working for a redneck?

Hell no. You'd do what you always do.

"How you doing, Mr. Charlie?"

And carry on about your business.

It's just that goddamn simple.

You ain't gonna make them lose no job.

It's the truth.

But the one killed me more than anything...

But the one killed me more than anything...

mark Cuban.

Mark Cuban came on TV.

And we gonna have to have this dialogue.

He said, hey, man, he has his own prejudice.

He said if he walking down late at night,

by hisself with his woman, and he sees some young brothers

with hoodies coming down the street,

he gonna cross the motherfucking street.

He said if he walking down the street,

and he see some white dudes with tattoos all on the face,

he'd cross the street back.

He'd cross the street back.

People were like, "quake, you got a problem with that?"

I'm like, "no."

'Cause I'm telling you right here,

it's some dangerous motherfuckers out here.

If I'm walking with me and my woman,

and I see four, five thuggish niggers walking around,

shit, I'm like white people too.

"Oh, shit, here them niggers come.

"Don't look at them, baby. Don't look at them niggers.

"Take your gold off. Take--fuck your hair off.

They'll rape both of us."

What kind of nigger rape you and your wife?

She's like, "help me." "Bitch, my ass hurt too.

She's like, "help me." "Bitch, my ass hurt too.

"I thought I had to fight these niggers.

I didn't know they was raping families."

You and your wife are in rape counseling.

She get in the meeting, just start snitching

on both of y'all.

"Well, they fucked him first.

"And he was screaming like a bitch.

"I was ashamed to be his wife.

"I kept on saying, 'why are you pissing

"'and shitting all on yourself?

"'You're always trying to fuck me in the ass.

"'I thought you said this shit didn't hurt.

"'I'm gonna tell you like you tell me.

"'I'm gonna tell you like you tell me.

"'Relax your muscles.

"'Breathe slowly.

He just want to put the head in a little while.'"

see y'all later, durham. I love y'all to death.

God bless.

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