Original subtitles

Subtitles generated by - LustyCinema.li Joseph, is there nothing I can do to entice you?

I am enticed and excited, but that special part of me that's supposed to work doesn't

seem to function.

Am I going to be a virgin forever?

I do not wish to be in a loveless marriage.

There is love in our marriage, but have no fear.

As we grow older, our physical bodies will age and our cravings will abate.

You are the master of abating.

I am not so skilled.

Remove thy garb, and gird up thy loins.

I shall suck thy penis.

Why wouldst thou want to do such a thing?

I thought that thou wanted me to orally please thee.

If I wanted thee to orally please me,

I would ask thee to recite poetry, or to sing.

Some people sing from the throat.

I sing from the abdomen.

No, the other way.

This is the abdomen.

Do that.

Did I interrupt thee?

Ha ha, you did.

What didst thou want to say?

Are you really telling me that

Thou'st does not want me to suck thy pants?

It's a sin.

Yes, I do want thee to suck thy pants, but it's a sin.

How is such a thing a sin?

It is spilling the seed.

No, it's not.

I swallow.

As thou knowest,

semen contains miniature people who can only grow

in a womb.

So if semen enters the mouth, anus,

or spills out to something after masturbation,

more accurately,

then all those potential people will have been.

It's murder, I tell you.

However, maybe if it enters the mouth,

it can get into the womb that way instead of that way.

All right, go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no, it's still a sin.

I'm pretty sure about that, it's a sin.

Maybe it's for the best.

My husband will wonder where I am soon.

I have lubricated myself,

so you may mount me whenever you're ready.

Won't thy husband not become alarmed

if thou becometh?

We're being careful, right?

Yes, I made sure that no one is near.

That's not what I meant.

That was the ground up.

I know.

Nothing can interfere with lovemaking

like the stench of the anal vapors.

Although some people like that.

What is seriously the worst thing

that could possibly happen?

If thou becomes pregnant and bears a child,

just tell thy husband it is his offspring.

That's not a good explanation.

Baby will not look like me.

Such a thing only happens in a play

because audiences are stupid.

They require for the offspring

to look exactly like the father,

otherwise the character will confuse the audience,

especially if they're American.

Just be careful, and things shouldn't get to that level.

It is finished.

This is worse than not having sex.

Thou should be flattered.

I found thee so arousing

that I could not control my orgasm.

Did thou not pull out?

No, that would be spilling the seed.

Mary, I have noticed that thou has been putting on

wait these past couple of months oh my dearest Joseph it's all those matzah

balls I've been consuming I shall abstain from now speaking of abstinence

does it not bother you to be married to a man that can give you no child thou

shalt one day recover use of thy penis until then I shall be content with my

daily picnics which I attend by myself. Nobody else is there with me, just me. You can trust me.

What is the matter? I need to use the public restroom. It's yonder. Make haste and I'll

wait right here. For sake yowling, that is over. I have never heard thee make feces like that before.

Hello there, a person approaches. Pardon me, but I think you've forgotten something in the public

restroom thanks thee i was so shocked that i forgot to take this with me from the bathroom

is that a child yes this is our child but i have never put my penis into thy vagina

maybe not into but there were attempts it was near if thou has been penetrated by another man

the sentence is death oh no i i wouldn't say i was penetrated by any man no

Not a boy either. Or an animal. Nope. You know what? It was God. God did it. God put a baby in me.

Which God? It better not be a Greek or a Roman.

We all know that the Greeks and the Romans like to mingle with mortals.

Is that baby going to be a demigod?

Oh, oh, no, no, no. I don't cheat on my own pantheon.

Oh, this is, this is the son of Yahweh.

Yeah, yeah, that's the son of Yahweh.

Oh. Greetings. Aren't thou here to play baseball?

No. Oh, I mean, yeah. I have my own ball. Can I throw it?

As long as it is the traditional size, then yes. Shall someone hold thy baby?

No, I'm trying to bond with it.

it. Has thou not bonded yet? Truthfully I wish it was never born. I wonder if one day the world

will renounce religious superstition and allow us to dispose of unwanted children. That sounds like

blasphemy. Think about it. An unwanted pregnancy places a burden on both the parents and the child.

Well I suppose if the parents can't afford the baby that would make the

parents miserable and thusly that would make the baby miserable. Let's continue

this discussion after the game. It's time for you to pitch. Oh no! In a way I hope

the baby is dead. Can you imagine what it would look like if it survives that

injury? I shall now use my powers to make this shekel disappear. Dexterity. I

can't believe I'm in the presence of the Son of God. Please just call me Jesus.

Am I coined by? I'm sure that thou canst, but I don't not know where it is. Not in

this hand, not in this hand. My eyes are over here. So does that mean you don't

know where the coin is? I mean you kind of said that a little funny. Thou art wise.

Not everyone knows that a lesson can be learned from something that is funny.

You think you'll ever use your powers to overthrow the Romans?

Not only will I overthrow the Romans, I shall transform them into swine!

Where are you going?

What's the meaning of this?

Pardon me, I did not hear thy question. What was it?

What's the meaning of this?

The meaning of this is, it is a pronoun that refers to something that was just referenced.

Are you some kind of an idiot? Don't make me ask you this again.

Oh, forgive me, I was just jesting with a friend.

Um, oh, here is something for thy vigilance.

Wait, are you the idiot I arrested and sodomized two nights ago?

Does thou really think that all of us long-haired men look the same?

I don't really care what you look like.

Ah, so thou dost think that all of us long-haired men look the same.

I didn't finish.

I don't care what you look like when I'm sodomizing you.

Thou didst not sodomize me two nights ago.

That was some other person.

Let me make sure. Show me your ass.

Oh, please do not sodomize me or gomorize me.

Gomorize? What is gomorize?

Thou hast not heard of Sodom and Gomorrah?

Is that something with your mouth?

No, I'm saving myself for arranged marriage.

What's that? I like to look.

Someone has nailed thee to a tree.

The Romans have crucified so many people they ran out of wood.

Why are they now guarded?

There was a fight that broke out and the soldiers ran.

There might be time for thee to rescue me.

I must admit that I have spilled the seed while watching thee from afar.

Thou hast masturbated while watching me?

Well, it is better than getting thee pregnant.

But I suppose thou wilt die by the time thou gets impregnated and gives birth.

I just wish there were not this superstition against abortion.

If men vote against abortion, which they should not, it's not their bodies.

Unless you take the baby and put it in their bodies, then maybe...

If a man who votes against abortion must adopt the unwanted baby, I think he would change

his mind.

Why force a woman to carry a parasite?

That's what an unwanted baby is?

That was rape a woman while crucified?

Now how could I rape someone while I am crucified?

Listen, I don't know how much time we have, but if you rescue me, I'll reward you.

Hey, didn't I crucify you the other day?

No, I think thou hast mistaken me for someone else.

How did you get those wounds?

Oh, I was just doing yard work.

Nice try. After I sodomize you, I'm going to recrucify you.

Other words, I'm going to nail you, then I'm going to nail you.

Jesus, what is worse, the fart of a skunk or the skunk itself?

Didst thou ask because thou thyself hast farted?

It would not be fitting for me to fart in front of someone like thyself.

Oh, where fart art thou?

Thou art the only one here, and I know that the odor did not emanate from my buttocks.

Forgive me, I thought the fart would dissolve before it reached thy nose.

Does thou have any other questions before I resume my duties as the son of a god?

I have no more questions.

Oh, thank thee.

Do I not deserve an additional shekel for having to endure thy anal vapors?

It was just an act of nature.

Does thou want to see an act of god?

Oh, ye of little penis.

I did not know that a penis is meant to be large.

Could it be that a penis will only be large if the mate is suitable?

Perhaps the size of the penis reflects the quality of the woman to be penetrated.

No, you just have a micro penis.

Maybe the skin that's on your forehead was meant for your dick.

We can be informal.

Is that why thou art fond of calling me dickhead?

I never saw your penis.

Is there something that can be done about my condition?

No, down there.

You're the son of a god.

Can't you make it bigger?

Do they still have an accent?

Those speakers in a funny way.

I'm from South Israel.

Oh, so instead of saying

Yahweh, you say

Hey, get over here.

Limba. Ow, you fat fuck.

I did it, Yahweh!

I did it, Yahweh!

I did it Yahweh!

I have never seen beads like this before. May I gaze upon them?

You can have them, they're worthless.

But they're magical! A woman will show me her body if I give this to her?

Yeah, it's tradition.

Show me your tits! Here you go.

You're supposed to throw them at me.

Oh, I thought that would be rude to do that.

Let's change things. May I see thy buttocks?

Oh, very nice! May I have them?

If you will pay me with coin, I will allow you to touch anything.

I do not have any coin now, but if thou art here tomorrow, I can pay thee.

Unless thou trusts me, and I will pay thee tomorrow for a coupling today.

Tomorrow then.

Oh, may I see thy breast?

You hid them a little bit.

I need to see a little bit more.

A little bit, I need to see a little bit more.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Oh man, the beat's bad.

Do you want to see anything?

Too bad because I have feet.

I would not advise a prostitute.

All I'm saying is that sex should come

from a loving relationship.

The idea of refraining from sex before marriage

is only suitable for people who are bad at sex.

The only way to discover if you're sexually compatible,

make it last all night,

The only way to find out if you are sexually compatible

is to have sex.

That's how you find out.

You can think, oh, wow, I'm great in bed,

and then the only thing you're good at in bed is sleeping.

You know, the girl might be polite and say,

oh, you're great in bed.

You're a good lover, but that's not true.

Oh, this never goes in here.

As I said, the only way to find out

if you are good in bed is to have sex,

and this is best discovered before marriage.

I didn't say you had to marry her.

You should save yourself for someone who loves you.

I haven't called a saver before,

but I should enlist the services of a prostitute

so that I may learn how to have sex.

Everything I've been told has been wrong.

Didst thou know that I stuck my penis into a woman's urethra?

Well, it is probably small enough to fit in the urethra,

but I don't think that's comfortable for the woman.

My point is that I was told the wrong things about sex.

You mean like when you multiply with red?

Please do not repeat the misinformation about that event.

Look, I know you don't like exposition,

but I don't think an audience wants to see a depiction

of what exactly happened.

I'm sure that I do not know what thou art talking about.

All right, so you wanted to know what sex was like,

so you asked around for advice.

If somebody you hated you told you to poke a hole

in bread and penetrate it.

A girl saw you doing this and then told everybody

that you multiply with bread.

And then as usual, with the telephone game

and all the misinformation, now everybody thinks

that you multiplied the bread to feed the masses.

I would rather multiply with the masses.

The women, of course.

Of course, women.

I can't get a man pregnant.

Yeah, well, wait until the year 2023.

I have a sexual favor to ask of thee.

Are these coins sufficient?

Very well.

How does lovemaking begin?

Is it with a kiss?

Oh, my lips have to touch your lips.

The ones up here, not those.

Are you supposed to make them?

Are thou supposed to make noise instead of me?

Maybe from shall turn thy head,

And is it appropriate for tongues to touch each other?

It's a little tight.

I hope that is too.

I have to open my mouth.

Otherwise the tongue can't touch your tongue.

Do you have a tongue in there?

Ooh, that's a good one.

Very good oral hygiene.

Ooh, nice.

It's like a serpent.

You're like a cat.

Am I like a what?

You're brushing me like a cat.

Does that get them excited?

because I know that sometimes when you touch a pussy,

they get very agitated,

excited is another word for agitated.

Is that what they were trying to say?

Possibly, I suppose.

That'll find that to be romantic.

Well, thank thee for helping me

learn how to be an expert lover.

I fondled a woman on a cross,

But she did not, uh, get wet, as it is said.

Uh, may I make the same attempt on thee,

and thou canst tell me if I'm doing something wrong or right?

I suppose.

So I was walking down the street,

and I found out that I had no money.

Humor sometimes excites women.

Trying to do it blindly.

Where is the proof?

You could, thou canst say hot or cold.

I knew I would make me hot.

Try it this way.

Is it better here or here?

Which is better for a woman?

Down or up?

Some sex games.

Hip movements.

Wrong hip movements.

Now for the finale.

Did I make me wet?

Well, my nipple's wet.

That is not what I meant.

and I shall take that as a compliment make a wish I had onions I hope that

does not matter let me add something more to the lesson I shall a massage

like buttocks with my hands and around around she goes where she stops I know

the son of a gun nice buttocks yes that way I told me about

hot or cold. My butt is cold. Oh, okay. I was confused. Warmer than I am. Oh, please don't squeeze the

short. I am holy, so everything of me is holy. Oh, you don't really act holy. That is not the

point. I should sell things that are holy. Just don't think that if I dedicate whatever comes out

could be sold?

I would call it holy shit.

No one's gonna buy anything like that.

When people think of holy, they think of pure.

Haste is impure.

It's waste.

Has thou ever been constatated?

Yeah, of course.

Well, the next time that happens,

do something in a hurry.

Because haste makes waste.

Look, why do you need money anyway?

Can't you just use your magical powers

to get anything you want?

Not yet.

Right now, my powers are mainly very high charisma.

Just remember who's been your friend

while you've been living here as a mortal.

Always watch your back.

Thou didst not wash my back.

Look, I said watch, not wash.

Wash, water.

Water is something that is free.

If I touch it, it becomes holy.

I can sell holy water.

You might wanna try some holy soap while you're at it.

No, I come from another time.

Oh, I knew that. After all, I am the son of a god.

I can hardly believe I'm in your presence.

Oh, please do not lose thy faith.

Oh good, you haven't been crucified yet.

Why would I be crucified? I asked you a question.

I knew you had a sense of humor. The New Testament only quotes your serious speeches.

What is the New Testament? We just have the testament.

Oh, that's right. The New Testament wasn't written while you were alive.

Grr, what?

Uh, aren't you embarrassed to be naked?

Well, embarrassment only happens when you care what others think.

Plus, I'm not going to be around that long, so I'm not going to run into anyone.

See, I care about what others think, so I don't take my clothes off.

Not that I have anything to be embarrassed about, but let me change the question to why

thou art naked.

Well, as I said, I'm a time traveler, so nothing dead can transport with me.

But what of thy hair and nails?

Are these not dead?

Well, it's more of a precaution.

I am the first time traveler.

Don't want to screw it up.

Why didst thou come here?

Well, I wanted to target one of the greatest mysteries of modern time.

There's some people that say Jesus was just a myth.

Other people think he was a real man, but the stories about him were greatly exaggerated.

And others believe he's completely made up.

I mean, would that be donning any gay apparel?

That would not be wise.

I mean, it might interfere when I travel back to my time.

Plus, my garb is not like that of these times.

How didst thou find me across time?

It's as simple as wishing it so.

Intentions really have an effect on reality.

As of this moment, you and I are entangled in a quantum sense.

So if you ever come to my time, you can find me instantly.

I would like to, but she said some unpleasant things about me.

What kind of unpleasant things?

In the future, believers of me will put bread into their mouths and it will be transformed

into my body.

It shall be called the host, but I believe a better term for it will be parasite.

Why do you say that?

Because there are stories that will inspire people to become cultural vandals.

Histories of other cultures will be destroyed, as will their statues, even the ones with

naked women, although I'm pretty sure that some might say,

oh I'll dispose of this myself. Holy shit. It's pronounced holy she-ite.

Yes, atrocities will be committed in my name

that will make crucifixion appear as mere acupuncture.

Wait, if the religion is based on stories about you, why don't you just

change the stories? I'm not the one who's going to write the

stories. I know that sounds stupid. Yeah, but did you tell her what you think?

yes but she did not care for my humor humor yes i told her that instead of bread

my body should be a roll why a roll because i always wanted to be a role model jesus zilla

is the son of godzilla this is a place between our dimensions it looks like a hotel room but it

gives me comfort much of what thou has told me is highly disturbing well i don't know what part of

your timeline we're in yet. Has Judas betrayed you yet? Who is Judas? He's supposed to double

cross you? I shall be nailed to two crosses? No, I mean he will betray you. Oh, but it's not a

surprise. You know what's going to happen. Someone has to turn you in. He's one of your apostles?

What is an apostle? Oh, maybe that's not the right word. He's one of your disciples? What

What is it to cycle?

You don't have any foul words?

I have sycophants.

What does that mean?

Maybe it's pronounced psycho-fance, sycophant, syco-fance.

Well, sycophant sounds, you know, s-y-c-o-p-h-a-n-t.

What is a sycophant?

I'll tell you.

Do you know why I'll tell you?

Because you asked.

These are people who pretend to be fans.

They want to be part of the show.

They want the perks, but they don't want to do anything for the entertainer.

See, whenever I have a crowd funder, they never participate.

Then when I ask them, why were you absent?

Oh, money's tight.

It's only $20.

Who can't afford $20?

When I was younger, I didn't have any money, but I wanted to buy certain books.

How did I do it?

Well, my parents gave me lunch money, I just didn't eat lunch, and I saved up until I could

buy the books.

If you want something, you get it, right?

Absolutely, there's those that make it happen, and there's those that make excuses in life.

When I go to horror conventions, and I set up a booth to sell my movies, there are people

who come up to me saying they're big fans, but they don't look at anything on the table

and they don't ask any questions.

I hate people like that.

All entertainers have parasites.

There's going to be more than one religion based on you?

Yes, but some people will believe that I am African.

Will there be a different Bible then?

The one in which I am Anglo shall be the word of God.

And then the one in which I am an African

will be called the N-word of God.

Aren't you going to be crucified in both stories?

Yes, the time traveler told me that I

have a moment of weakness, and I will beg my father for that part of the story not to happen.

But in the end, I will accept God's will. Of course I'll accept God's will. I'm his only son.

I want to inherit everything. Actually, let me talk to God. Duh! God's last will and testament.

Didn't you get that from what I said, God's will? Do I have to spell out God's last will

will and testament? I don't have all day to add words to something that could be

simplified as God's will. Do I have to keep saying God's last will and

testament? What other will is there? Yeah, but didn't you say the New Testament?

Ah, yes. God's will and New Testament. I will have to talk to Lydia about this.

That's the time traveler's name, Lydia. Yeah, well please do. I don't want you to die.

silly rabbit I cannot die I am immortal gods go through demigods demigods

undergo Spragmos and then they gain immense power what's Spragmos I know

too much what's Spragmos with you Spragmos is Greek for excruciating

suffering are you sure you want to do that you're not exactly known for

having a high pain tolerance I just have to make it look like I'm suffering after

After that event, I shall gain immense power, but during the crucifixion, I can use my current

level of magic power to erase the pain.

So why don't you do that when you have a headache?

I've never had a headache.

If I had a headache, I'd think that I'm dying, because I've never had pain there.

And don't say no brain, no pain.

Oh, but speaking of headache, in the future there will be a remedy called St. Joseph's

I wonder if it's called that because my father will invent it.

There's another reason why.

It's because you were such a big asshole when you were a kid and you kept giving Joseph

I'd just call him dad.

Wait, if God is all knowing, well then he already knows the results of all the tests

he puts people through.

Isn't that sadistic?

Not as sadistic as asking me to be crucified.

By the way, he never told me that.

I heard about it from you.

How often do you talk to God?

Oh, I never talk to him.

I think it's because we're not equals.

I have to wait until I get my powers,

and then he'll talk to me.

Maybe something like, he obviously doesn't hear prayers,

so how can he hear me talk

until I'm powerful enough for him to hear?

Wait, you haven't performed any miracles yet?

Well, I perform tricks, but that's for money.

Speaking of tricks, I feel like I'm being tricked into this crucifixion.

But there are precedents.

I never voted for them.

Oh, I'm just making a political joke.

Dying and rising gods, of which there are many, get crucified or tortured unbearably, die, come back with powers.

So that's a good trade.

I'll be crucified if that's all it takes for me to get powers.

Uh, you're not going to get crucified to get powers, you're going to die for our sins.

Shouldn't you die for your sins?

Or do you mean that someone will falsely accuse me and I die in someone else's place?

You know, for somebody else's sins because I'm falsely accused.

Should I say it another way to make you understand or do you have to?

You know what happens is Barabbas is with you, you're both in front of a crowd and the crowd is asked who should be crucified.

Barabbas is a zealot who actually emitted crops.

Barabbas. I think it's pronounced Barabbas or maybe I just have ass on my mind.

For some reason I can't figure out why I would have ass on my mind.

But I've never heard of such a custom.

Well, during the Passover, Pontius Pilate always releases one prisoner.

That is not a custom I've ever heard of.

I suppose there's a first time for everything.

But tell me more about this dying for somebody else's sins business.

You have to be a martyr.

But if I am immortal, there really is no sacrifice because I don't die.

But people need to know that you suffered for them.

But that did not answer my question about the sins I will be dying for, even though

Please, I am better than this.

I'm a better speaker than to end a sentence with a preposition, but I'll still say dying

for sins.

You still did not answer my question about the sins for which I will be dying.

For example, there are some sins I do not want to be associated with.

Oh! There I go with the preposition!

Is with the preposition?

Or is it girth?

Uh, anyway.

There's a sin I especially do not want my name to be associated with.

Or girth.

Having sex with children.

Especially boys.

I do not want anyone to think about me and having sex with boys.

and I do remember I said this I said do this in remembrance of me and what if

someone overheard it and thought hey he died for having

sex with children boys and then my priests will think

well Jesus said do this in remembrance of him I better honor him and have sex

with boys Eden is a good name for that place

Eden fruit, you know, eating. Oh yeah. Poor Adam and Eve, they were doomed from the start.

Well, your sacrifice will redeem everyone. Does that not find that reasoning to be

ridiculous? The descendants of Adam and Eve are blamed for something they did not do,

then I have to be crucified for something I did not do, and people are redeemed for something that

I did. Does not an all-loving God have a better option? He could just say,

I forgive you and admit that you made a mistake. God does not make mistakes. Then why are there

stories of him undoing mistakes like Sodom and Gomorrah or Noah's flood? Actually, that's a

common story type. I think the original story started with Gilgamesh as far as a world flood.

Uh, now my husband has been cursed with original sin, but it seems that my father has unoriginal

Uh, I guess that's not blasphemy if you're saying it.

Perhaps mankind would not be cursed if instead of a fruit of temptation there were a vegetable

of temptation.

Uh, what would actually make it harder for you to resist?

How so?

Uh, well, if it was a cucumber?

Ah yes, cucumbers are delectable.

The Adam and Eve story on the surface works to explain why women have fewer ribs, but

if Eve were made from one rib, that would mean that all women, you know, Sins of the

mother, all women would have a fewer rib only on one side of the rib cage. The cage

of ribs, in case I confused you. But then again, offspring do not inherit the wounds

of their parents.

I never thought of it that way.

Neither did I.

If Eve were created for Adam's rib, that means that she's actually he. So when he had sex

with her, he fucked himself.

Jesus, you shouldn't talk that way.

Or maybe you should.

I had wondered if you were of a sexual nature.

All gods have mingled with mortals.

Mingled is another word for sex.

I love God.

If that is true, then why is there

a commandment made by God that says,

do not worship other gods?

You are wise.

What do you get when you put two atoms together?

A molecule.

So you have to be crucified for all mankind?

I do not understand this either.

Am I dying for Buddhists and Romans too?

Wait, can't you pick who you redeem?

If everybody's soul's in limbo

until you cleanse them of their sins,

I mean, you don't want everybody to be in heaven, right?

All I know is that I have to be crucified for this story.

Two bad stories in our era don't have character development.

Yes, I would like to have a character arc.

As far as I know, Noah is the only one with an arc.

Oh, yes, the character arc.

I'd prefer for my story to have it in there

that my character realized that death is required,

but not necessarily on the cross.

What if I could convince God that I could die of old age

for people's sins.

Yeah, but then you'd have trouble attracting followers,

just like any other savior god religion.

I mean, they were all nailed, even in Nanna.

Even in Nanna?

Even in Nanna.

I would have loved to have seen her stripped down,

but that was in the sky, not on Earth.

It reminds me, did you make sure the crucifixion

was supposed to be on Earth?

Do as thou wilt shall be the loophole of the law.

I shall have to consult with a lawyer about this.

Okay, but like when people pray to you,

they get to learn your language to do that?

I do not have time to listen to prayers.

I would much rather listen to music,

but not country or rap.

In fact, I want to make a commandment against those things,

my observed peer.

Well, aren't you happy you'll have worshipers?

Don't you want to meet them, especially the women?

No, from what I heard,

these are the most shitty people on earth,

the shittiest people on earth.

Part of me wanted to devise a way

to snap them out of their brainwashing,

but even if these people were to break out of their spell,

they'd still be stupid.

Therefore, intelligent people, people of quality,

need an easy way to tell who was worthless.

That's when the religion comes handy.

When someone's a religious imbecile,

That means, just be polite.

Hello, goodbye, but that's it.

Well, at least you'll gain huge power

after the crucifixion.

Don't forget the glory.

When I rise from my tomb,

onlookers will say, look, up in the sky,

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's son of man.

You know what's done is Superman?

I do.

Who would ever mistake a bird

or a plane for a person in the sky, a Christian.

He said it not me.

Thou art a worshiper of me?

Yes, I'm a practicing Catholic.

How long has Thou been practicing?

About 10 years.

Shouldn't Thou be an expert by now

that has been practicing Catholic?

Well, I'm really an observer of the practice.

Like, I observe the practice of what?

I observe the practice of borrow.

That's not, that's not what I meant.

Forgive me, I'm not as smart as I look.

I was strangled at birth.

Oh no, was it by your unbiblical cord?

No, by my mother.

Well, she might have used an unbiblical cord,

but I was destined to survive, so that I could be crucified.

The story is similar to many others.

Has thou ever heard of a Cyrus?

I don't know much about Egypt.

I do.

In fact, I know so much, I'm a spinster.

She wanted you to do what?

She wanted me to overturn the tables of the moneylenders.

But you'd be killed for that.

Yes, I told her that this is not a small area.

It's large and it's guarded by Roman soldiers

who kill anyone who disrupts what's going on.

But you can't die, you're destined to be crucified.

Lydia said that I have to say,

Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's.

That's to tell people to be law abiding and to pay taxes.

They have to pay taxes,

which is strange because in the future,

churches based on my name don't pay taxes.

I said taxes, not taxes.

Why aren't you dressed in that garb?

I have a confession to make.

I'm not a priest.

I didn't mean it that way.

It's something from you.

I doubt it's not high-dive bosom. What else could thou hide?

I want to make the beast with two backs with you. I want to be the bride of Christ.

Will it not he be angry that we are having sex, this Christ person?

You are Christ.

I hope that's a compliment.

It is. I want to bear the grandson of God.

This is sudden. I would like to properly court thee.

There isn't enough time, you're going to be crucified!

You've already overturned the money-changers tables, right?

No, but I will put that on my to-do-unto-others list.

Well, I suppose it's destined that you're crucified no matter what.

Regardless, this does not seem romantic.

It's contrived.

I do not want to love by contract.

Well prostitutes yes, because it requires an agreement. I like for things to happen naturally

Get thee on all fours

Butt that's up head down

Look away from me. I have a surprise. I have anal beads and I know how to use them

There's a rosary. I do not see any roses. Do you see the beads?

Yes, Oh

To use it to pray to your mother. You touch a bead, say a pre-memorized prayer, and then move to the next bead and repeat the prayer.

How many times?

Don't count.

Oh, when a person goes to confession, the priest tells them a certain amount of prayers to say.

So prayer is a punishment.

I just heard you say that a sinner is punished by a priest to force the sinner to say a prayer

a certain amount of times.

Why is there so much room under his feet?

Crucified people were put into the ground very close.

Their toes were almost touching the ground.

This way, people who passed by could torment the crucified person.

There's also a superstition people thought that if they cut off the penis of a crucified

person it would make the household more fertile.

Actually I'm having second thoughts because when you first told me about the crucifixion

I was so enamored of me having powers.

and it happened like that for you besides you'll be allowed to wear a

loincloth man oh I thought just assumed you know what happens when you assume

oh yes he is wearing a loincloth there is it worth going through this to get magical

Oh, what is that smell?

Is there anal beads?

Roses, because this is a roses ring.

Oh, that does not smell like roses.

A rose by any other name.

You're gonna be a father!

Not only that, I decided I will be crucified immediately.

I do not want my child to be fatherless.

You've got nine months for that.

I do not procrastinate.

go to Pontius Pilate and I will say surrender to me now before I call down

my army of angels I give warning because I will be a fair king does it sound like

I am more mighty when I do this absolutely not you sound retarded I

I will take your advice.

There's something Judas.

I think I need to find one of the Sanhedrin and turn Jesus in.

I was awakened from a sound sleep.

My soldiers told me something of the overthrow of a government.

How do you know this?

Let us not waste any time.

Oh, that's breaking time.

It's break time.

It is break time.

Let us not waste any time.

I need to know thy answer now, crazy cow.

Mixed chocolate milk.

Will thou surrender to me?

Surrender to you?

Why would I do such a thing?

Thou art not fooling anyone.

I know that has feelings for me.

But I do not mean surrender thy love.

I mean surrender thy armies.

Beg for mercy.

I am the son of a god.

You have just earned yourself 200 lashings.

Perhaps after the flesh has been whipped from your bones you will be able to see reality.

My army of angels shall descend on the earth and destroy all of my enemies.

This is thy last chance.

Very well. You will be whipped and you shall ascend the cross.

Fine. Just so thou knowest, I have to be crucified in order to collect my many legions.

What will happen to thee will be far worse than crucifixion.

I will not cease your ranting or personally cut out your tongue.

Fine, I will be silent because no matter what my words are that portends the future,

that means whatever I foresee has no effect on thee.

I was a poet and didn't even know it.

Oh, by the way, I picked out the perfect loincloth for the occasion.

Your loincloth will be removed upon the moment your punishment begins.

But wait, I saw a sculpture of how I will be depicted upon what is called a crucifix.

I shall wear a very large loincloth.

That is not how people are crucified.

If it ain't crucifroke, don't crucifix it!

Do you know why there was an earthworm in my coffee?

Because it was just ground yesterday.

I was just trying to add some levity into the situation.

Pontius Pilate has no sense of humor.

You are one of the St. Hedges?

How can I help you?

I need to report a blasphemer

so you can hand him over to the Romans to be crucified.

Why would we hand someone over to Rome?

We have the power to condemn people ourselves.

Why is nothing happening?

Did I disrupt the events that are supposed to take place?

Can you send him to be crucified?

Why would we execute someone the way Romans do?

Well, you know, like, when in Rome,

do as the Romans do?

We are not in Rome, and why would we copy such people?

Someone has to execute Jesus!

You know Jesus?

I know him vividly.

His father was cuckolded.

He is not the father of Jesus.

Well, I know that.

God is the father.

Yes, that is the story that we are allowed to be told because it is ridiculous.

Of course, you know, Jesus is retarded.

He had a lot of head trauma as a child.

We all just go along with the delusion because it's harmless.

That we're not going to chain me?

You're the idiot who wants to be crucified.

We only tie people up that resist.

Well, I was not told about being tied up, being part of the prophecy.

Do you know why Moses could not be a member of the Boys Club?

Because it's a non-profit organization.

Get it? He was a prophet.

Remember what I've done for you when you get your powers, okay?

I changed my mind.

I know.

I did not know that I have to be naked up there.

As you know, I'm bashful.

If I had a dick the size of yours, I'd be bashful too.

There's a new plan.

I want V to impersonate me.

No way. I'm not getting crucified.

Hear my idea.

I will magically stop

thy crucifixion before the first

nail is hammered into thee.

And while thou art

distracting the Romans,

I will summon my army

of angels.

And as a reward for thee

helping my plan,

I will make thee prince

of the entire world and I will grant thee

three wishes.

Are you sure you're going to rescue me in time?

There is no risk on thy part.

You see, even if I am late and thou art crucified,

my magic will make every hammer of the nail feel like a multitude of orgasms.

Do I have your promise?

I promise.

Hey, well how are you going to fool the Romans?

There's no magic required for that.

Romans think that all long-haired men look alike.

I think I just believed what I wanted to believe.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, nothing in the Bible is true.

You know, there isn't even a town called Nazareth in this era.

I thought I might have made a mistake in time.

The only record of a Jesus as an upstart was written in the Talmud a hundred years prior.

And yes, he was whipped until his bones showed through his wounds.

but that he actually died when a catapult struck where he was standing.

So I have to face facts.

When I entered the coordinates in the time machine,

the device did its best to guess where I would end up.

A hallucination of artificial intelligence.

More like artificial retardation.

Not only did I have the most unsatisfying sex of my life

with a crown whose dick is smaller than my clitoris.

I demand someone abort the baby,

but if these Bronze Age people have the same superstitions

as the people in our modern society who've outlawed abortion.

So, I'm coming back with a passenger.

Start filling out the paperwork for my maternity leave now.

I'll be back within the hour.

Our time, that is.

Ow! That hurt!

Duh, that's the point.

I was told this was not going to be painful.

Hey, if you can't handle being whipped, wait until you get nailed.

Jesus! You rose from the dead!

I did?

Yeah! I'm the one who nailed you in!

After sodomizing you, of course.

Uh, yeah. Yes. Yes.

I hope you don't hold it against me that I allowed a woman to cut your dick off.

I mean, it's an old superstition, but I had to allow it.

I suppose worse things could happen.

Did your dick ever grow back?

Yeah, let me see it.

Whoa, that's even less of a dick than after she cut it.

As long as I'm able to urinate, I should consider myself fortunate.

Well, like, anyway, I mean, you are a free man, you know.

You're only supposed to stay on the cross until you die and you died.

So there's nothing that says I have to crucify you again, you know.

I mean, you know, unless you, you know, want some more sodomy.

me. Lydia, the love of my life! I have returned to you. Or thee, you know me. Thee. Thee thou art

and fart. Do I know? That sense of humor. I am the father of your child, our child, the grandson

of God. Get away from me, you dirtbag. Step off, you smelly hippie, before I shove my boot where

where the sun don't shine.

You mean where the Son of God don't shine?

You're here early, but I happen to be ready.

Are you Dr. Carrier?

How did you know my name?

We had an appointment.

I've got some questions about Jesus.

Oh, you're that appointment.

You're not supposed to be here for another hour.

I came early.

That's the reason for this appointment.

The guy comes early, you know, premature ejaculation.

I have a feeling he's canceling.

I had a feeling he'd be too shy to go through

with this arrangement.

Thou art a whore?

Surrogate is the term I prefer.

But if the shoe fits, buy a new pair

with the money you make whoring.

I thought that thou wert a scholar.

I am, but I have to supplement my low income.

Does society regard thy profession to be so low

that thou must sell thy body?

Not really selling my body, it's more like renting it.

And I'm afraid to reject clients.

And I'm also sort of a healer.

Men come to me with various dysfunctions.

Ah yes, I have also enlisted the aid of such a professional.

Thou might find this hard to believe,

but I am not skillful in the art of love.

Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone.

Let he who's without sin kill two birds with one stone.

I like that.

I'm gonna use it.

Did you make that up?

Everything about me is original.

seem to know more than the average person, so we can take some shortcuts during our session.

Do you want me to put some clothes on? Like I said, I thought you were here for a different

kind of session.

I am not uncomfortable.

Neither am I. I don't know why men are so terrified of seeing breasts. Wait, change

that. I do know why some men are afraid. Some men feel shame when viewing a nude woman.

It's like they have to sneak a peek and can't be caught enjoying the feminine form

Seeing boobs has to be done in secrecy

Men in this era protest seeing breasts

You're joking, right?

The thought of men finding breasts to be repulsive is the joke if you ask me

I've seen misshapen breasts

the deputy droop belongs

grandma boobs

In that case, I, in that case, I can understand men being revolted by such abominations.

Hmm. If you love someone, you accept the whole package.

That is comforting. I've been told that my package is not impressive.

We can work on that after we address your primary reason for being here.

I am confused by many things.

Thou art a biblical scholar and a historian, thy answers to my questions will help me solve

some mysteries.

Our session is just a reminder, I have two books I want you to read.

The first is Jesus from Outer Space, it's written in more of a conversational tone.

And the second is On the Historicity of Jesus, both were written by Dr. Richard Carrier.

is actually my first question. There are people in this era who say that Jesus

was not God, but that he was a real man. That's a silly notion. I mean, the notion

that there was an earthly Jesus who was a wise man. If he was a wise man, why are

there no books on his teachings? If he was a philosopher or rabbi, why are there no

writings? The things he supposedly said weren't actually his words. For example,

people think Jesus said,

do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That was recorded 500 years

before the Jesus character was ever written.

The Jesus character?

Yes, Jesus was never seen by anyone on earth.

Long time ago, the men who fabricated the religion

based on Jesus only had visions of him.

They never met him in person.

That's right, I never met Matthew or Luke or John.

I mean, you know, when I read stuff about, you know,

they seem, yeah, they seem to admit him.

So that's a fabrication.

That's strange.

The Bible is not a book of history.

It's religious fiction.

There was no Jesus and there was no Moses.

Why do people believe that these things happen?

That's a subject too broad for this session.

But think of this.

Why was the Jesus character written in Greek?

Why not Hebrew or Aramaic?

That's strange because I don't know anyone who speaks Greek.

Very funny.

Another odd thing is the history of Pontius Pilate never mentions Jesus.

I can go on and on about the people who would have written about the character Jesus if he ever existed.

But there are no such writings.

I thought that I left a bigger impression on him.

Pilate. I'll have a talk with him when I go back in time.

Better do it before he commits suicide.

That's how he died?

Yes, and unlike Jesus, Pontius Pilate had an earthly history, and there are many writings

about him by historians, and these writings don't contain supernatural events.

When you read such things, you're reading myth, not history.

And another indicator is characters not reacting to bizarre events like real people.

characters in American movies. Exactly. Anyway, gods and demigods are often

given earthly histories. Their priests are taught that these are fictions, but

their followers must never know. For example, Romulus and Osiris were given

earthly histories, but they never existed. But can a man just be a man and have a

religion based on him? Why? Do you want a religion based on you one day? Too late.

There already is. Or already are. There are many kinds of Christians. That's a good

point. If the Gospels are the Word of God, why have they been changed over and

over? Wouldn't a deity want to make sure their messages are unambiguous? Wouldn't

a deity want to make sure there's no contradictions? That's for me to know and

you to find out. You really are a funny man. But getting back to the divisions

that formed. In the beginning there were many different competing sects of

Christianity. We don't know about most of them because evidence of their

existence and writings were destroyed. We haven't uncovered much. People should be

more careful about the way they preserve information. What do people in the future

think that people of this era are the way they are depicted on mainstream

television people aren't really like that and the rest of the world. This has always

been the case. I have a lot of reading to do. Why is the book called Jesus from

outer space? In the past people didn't think of heaven as another dimension. It

was a place that existed between the earth and the moon and there are

different levels of heaven. Angels from the higher levels could descend to the

lower levels but angels from the lower levels couldn't ascend. Oh and hell is the

lowest heaven. It's in the sky, not below the earth. People used to think there was

air in outer space. There isn't? I can go into more specifics later, but I really

think you should read those two books first. My primary question was, how did

the story become so outlandish, and how did people become so cruel? It's to say

with any story, or specifically savior gods, their cults are different from

And as far as people being cruel, the story doesn't make them cruel.

Their cruel nature exists whether a story justifies it or not.

I did not expect to discover that I never existed.

Okay, that joke I didn't get.

I meant to say that my understanding of reality has been altered in shock.

In that case, let me help you take care of some other things.

I've been doing this a long time so I can tell that you're shy and a little insecure.

insecure. Let's take this one step at a time. I want you to kiss me and then I

want you to touch me. That's not how you kiss a woman. Your girlfriend would enjoy

a kiss with your mouth open. My girlfriend would initiate the kiss. I'm sure of that.

Why are you making those noises? I was repugnated. You put your tongue in my mouth.

Of course I put my tongue in your mouth. That's how romantic couples kiss.

Eww, really?

What's wrong with that? It's called French kissing.

Of course it's called French kissing. The French eat snails.

To me, there's no difference between a snail in my mouth and a tongue in my mouth.

We'll come back to that. Now, I want you to fondle my breasts.

Do I have to put them in my mouth?

That's a more advanced technique. For now, just touch them. You can touch them now.

Could you still bite my hand?

Not like that. Cup and squeeze gently.

No, there you go. Yep. What is next?

I didn't fake that. It's developed taste. At first, I didn't like it.

Do you not need to say a word? I cannot perform this deed. I know many ways to fix that problem.

I cannot risk fathering a child.

You don't have to worry about that. I have protection.

You do not strike me as a person who believes in magic.

Yes. Is magic not how you were protected?

You said you were protected.

You don't have to turn everything into a joke.

Listen, it's time for you to stop thinking of something that has a low probability.

Start focusing on solutions rather than problems.

Speaking of problem, if Jesus did exist,

Wouldn't it be better to go back in time and kill him?

I already told you he didn't exist.

Maybe the people that invented his story should be killed.

That wouldn't mean the cult that replaces it would be any better.

Besides, we can't go back in time.

Oh, but what if I could?

When I told you to think of solutions, you had real solutions.

Let us talk about time travel, because it is a subject about...

which neither of us know anything.

It makes us equals, and if we're equals, I will not be intimidated by you.

Some scientists say that time doesn't exist.

For those that do talk about time, it seems as bizarre as religion itself.

Like if two spaceships are traveling in space and one is traveling slower than the other,

the other one will age much slower.

I want to be on a ship that makes me age slower.

It seems bizarre that this can happen.

I mean, if I observe both of them in the same reality, how can one age slower than the other?

If I go back in time, can I kill myself as a baby?

I've only seen things like that in the movies.

In some movies you can't meet yourself.

In others, if you kill your parents, you zap out of existence.

Wait, I thought of a solution.

I thought of this all by myself.

I created it. I did not read it anywhere, I just used my reasoning.

Who are you talking to?

I know things you don't.

Oh, okay genius.

Your spaceship scenario.

I'm gonna go faster than the other.

Is there both in the same reality?

That means that I can go back in the past, which is the same reality is now the present.

And it's the same reality as what I do in the future.

You lost me.

I'm gonna find you.

You're not my lost sheep.

Do you think it's interesting that sheep is both plural and singular?

It's like geese.

If a woman named Lydia, from this time, travels back to when an earthly Jesus lived, and tells

him stories that she heard from the Bible, that are of course fictional, but she's

overheard, maybe that is how Christianity started.

It's unlikely, but entertaining.

And then Lydia travels back to this time, unaware that she's the origin of the myth.

If time is the same, not a new reality, if it's the same thing, there's no change.

Unless of course she tells people that Jesus had a small penis, which nobody would believe.

Do you have a small penis?

Is that why you're making that joke?

Wait, is that why you're so shy in bed?

We can fix that, it's a common problem.

It's not a joke, and I was not talking about me, I was talking about Jesus.

However, I feel that we are not equal. Let me pleasure you. I will massage you and

this way I feel like we're reciprocal and you do not have to fake an organism.

Where gets it? Cuckold by any other name is still for you. You didn't moan. Let's assume that Jesus

traveled to this time. He was in the past one moment, the next moment, he's here now and he

didn't age at all. Same reality. Did not age. He traveled thousands of years but did not age

thousands of years. Can I interrupt you? Not yet. Let us say that Jesus hates what he sees and he

blames himself. He goes back in time. It's when he was a baby. He can meet himself when he's a baby.

He can meet himself even if he didn't die. But yeah, he kills the baby. It's the same reality

then he can live even though the baby's dead.

But if he lives, then his whole reason for killing the baby is nullified.

Killing the baby is just a safeguard.

If one of your scenarios is true, then killing the baby Jesus would also be the death of the adult Jesus.

But, and I don't mean buttocks.

Killing the baby might still leave the adult Jesus intact.

If Lydia is the source of the myth,

It's because, in this time, she heard the Bible stories, then went back where the Bible stories, of course, were not true.

None of that stuff happened, but she said that it happened, and her saying that it happened made people think that it's happening,

and then, you know, the game of telephone, even though there was no telephone there, but the game of telephone still existed.

It's just the name. A rose by any other name is still a telephone.

Lydia is the cause of the myth.

And killing the baby would mean that she never meets the handsome adult Jesus.

And so she doesn't spread the myth.

She realizes there's no fucking Jesus, goddammit!

There's a hole in that.

Don't ruin the mood by talking. I learned that.

That's it.

I forgot to ask.

Are you guys paying with cash or credit?

I have shekels.

That's consent, right? Anti-cevite?