Original subtitles

Snooch to the dude!

Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means.

Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your

family.

Who they are.

what they mean to us.

Excellent droning. So I want everyone to take out their essays.

We're going to read them aloud to the class right up here.

My mom says that me and my dad have a very healthy appetite.

My mom and dad are very religious.

When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, Jesus!

My mom says...

My dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sugar.

My brother Jack is in eighth grade. He told me to ask my dad to vote for

president. I did, and my dad said he's a total bushman.

That made my brother laugh really hard.

Whenever my uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad, my mom says the

basement smells like a Cheech and Chong movie.

It's like this. My dog ate my paper.

I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

What a lovely sentiment, Mr. Etheridge. Maybe your dog can eat the zero you'll

be receiving, too.

Aw, man.

Harsh. Miss Trinky, it's your turn now.

My dad says life can be split into two categories, New Jersey and New York.

My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest and most

successful music publicist in New York City.

By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him.

And even though Leo loved him, he loved them even more.

My fellow flax and spin doctors, salute.

Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom.

Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met.

Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same. They made slight corrections for

their clients.

Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend.

Come on, I want your sex?

That sound like he's singing to a guy?

Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy could only see him late at night.

Daddy says that's why they both love the city so much.

It never went to sleep.

And neither did he and Mommy.

But after a year of romance in New York City, Daddy said it was time to show

Mommy where he came from.

So he took her home to New Jersey and put her to what he said was the biggest

test that love would ever face.

Introducing her to my pop.

Hey!

Hey, how are you? How are you doing?

This is Gertrude. Hi. Merry Christmas.

And what do you do, Mr. Trinky?

Hey, easy on the Mr. Trinky.

It's Bart.

I worked for the borough for 30 years now. You're looking at the only man in

Highlands licensed to operate the street sweeper. Oh, man, I always wanted to

ride in one of those things.

Well, you continue seeing my son, I can probably get you turned at the wheel.

You know, I was only gonna sleep with him a few more times and then dump him,

but now, after an offer like that... Holy shit, that's into the mouth on this

one. Oh, yeah, they don't make them like Mom anymore, do they, Dad?

Now, listen, I'm going to the bar.

What a shock.

You guys are going to do anything while I'm gone? Stay the hell off of my bed.

You're going to a bar?

Didn't he tell you?

I'm an alcoholic.

Well, I want to go to the bar, too.

Oh, no. You don't want to go to this bar. It's a bunch of old guys sitting

around talking about how good they had it under Kennedy.

The man was a goddamn saint.

Well, I'm going to the bar with your dad. You can come if you want.

No, that's okay. I'll stay here and do the dishes. You know, I only cooked. Why

shouldn't I clean?

Suit yourself.

But don't wash that pan.

I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you

scrubbing it off.

That juice is called grease, Dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

It's called juice, and it greases a father's inside so that he can better

swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year when he can be bothered coming to

visit him.

So that night, Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar.

where she got to meet Pop's other children, his best friends, Cranny and

Block.

Hey, you kids cutting a rug?

Who are you, Connie Chung?

Daddy said because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey, he knew she was a

keeper.

He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza.

And that's how I got here.

You think we have enough of these at home or should I steal some?

Put those away.

If you're going to steal something, steal some of the rubber gloves.

You're welcome.

And with that, everyone lived happily ever after.

Almost.

All right, look, you got two minutes, and then we have to go, okay? Or I'm

going to leave.

Would you stop rushing me? I just don't understand how somebody who had all day

sitting around the house to get ready waits until 20 minutes before we have to

leave. Will you try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your

way? Do you not get it? This is one of the few days of the year that I can be

fired for being late. Anytime that you want to carry... I can't work anymore.

You let me know. We'll start. Okay?

I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tits.

The dress looks fine. It's gorgeous, okay? It's beautiful. Yeah, until I'm

standing next to Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow, and then you'll see how not fine

it looks.

Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, okay? Can you just not use my

brush? Don't start, Ollie. It's just that every time I want to comb my hair,

I spend 15 minutes taking these long, bushy hairs out of my brush. And you

asked me to... I'm sorry.

Baby, I'm sorry.

You don't understand what it's like to be this fat.

I've always been thin and now I'm a disgusting pig and it's my first time

going to the Video Music Awards and all the other girls are going to be skinny

and I'm going to look like a whale.

Baby, they're just skinny because they're all coked out whores. I want to

be a coked out whore.

Okay, you can be a coked out whore too.

You can be a coked out whore.

I'm sorry, Ali. I should be more sensitive. I should be more sensitive,

honey. I know. Yes.

I know.

Baby, we have to go. Okay. Okay? Okay. I love you. We have to go now. Okay. Okay?

I love you, too. All right. Let's go. Okay?

Just give me two minutes.

What time is it?

Uh, 20 after.

Kill me. Hey, I still need the quote for the Madonna release.

Okay, quote.

Madonna trusts the public will judge for itself that...

Uh, this latest in a long line of breakthrough music videos is not the

tasteless exploitation it's accused of being. It's artistic expression,

unquote. Of what?

Of one woman's constant need to show the world her labia.

Hey, can I use the word labia in a press release?

One of these days, I'm gonna get me one of those husbands that actually show up

for Lamaze. I'm sorry, babe.

It was Madonna.

Oh, so you were late because of another woman.

That's nice.

Come on. I still gotta do my job. And I still gotta do mine, too.

But I was at Lamaze on time.

Look, all I'm saying is, that guy who used to spend all night at the office

and barely live in his apartment, that's not you anymore.

Now you have to be the guy who's done by six and comes home and hangs out with

his family.

That's the only way we're gonna work.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Yes. Otherwise, the water broke.

She's gonna have a baby.

You're gonna have to check in, huh?

Check in?

Where? At the concierge desk? Why are you being so combative with me?

First of all, take your hands off my uniform.

And second, I'm gonna need a patient here.

This is my wife. This is the belligerent nurse who's been being so difficult with

me. You missed your hard time.

I'm sorry. It's just a little panicky. Can I get a wheelchair?

Okay. Let's get you up to delivery.

Okay. And let him fill out the paperwork.

Okay. If we can trust him with a pen. Here, sweetie.

Thanks. Okay, just relax, breathe.

Remember, take it easy. I love you. I'll be right there, okay? I love you. I love

you, too. Okay, I love you.

Love you.

We practiced this a thousand times. It'd be great.

How hard can it be?

Push for me. Come on. Ready? Take a deep breath.

Take a deep breath. In five, four, three, two, one. Push.

Push harder, Gertie. Push harder. The baby's crowning. I can see her. I just

need one more push for you, Gertie. Come on. Breathe.

In five, four, three, two, one.

Push.

Yes! And she's got all ten fingers, ten toes.

We'll get her all cleaned up. I got it.

Gertie? Baby, look.

Gertie?

Gertie.

Gertie, can you hear me?

Nurse,

nurse, get Dr. Mortimer right away.

She's just resting. Who's Dr.

Mortimer? Dr.

Mortimer. Can you hear me?

She's unresponsive. Gertie.

Gertie.

Gertie. Gertie.

Gertie. Healthy baby.

Unresponsive. Respiratory arrest.

What is happening to my wife?

Let's open that IV, please.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Wake up. Wake up, baby.

Wake up. Wake up.

Gertie, wake up, my love. Wake up. Wake up.

If I don't get to go in there right now, I swear to God... Ollie, Ollie, calm

down. Fuck you, calm down!

Okay? I got dragged out of there, I haven't got to see my baby? Your baby is

fine. She's healthy, she's normal.

Well, what's wrong with Gertie? What happened? I just... I need you to calm

down before... Look, I'm calm, okay?

I'm calm.

We think Gertie had an aneurysm.

Is she okay?

We lost her, Ollie.

The strain of the contractions and the pushing must have caused the aneurysm to

rupture.

They're rarely symptoms for aneurysms. They're like a...

I drew a picture of you.

You and...

And saw the face that I knew

Colored in shame

You drew

the bird that was here A

kind of sweet shadow

But with a terrible fear

That the cage couldn't tame

That's

how I knew this story would break

That's how I knew that a story would bring my heart.

Sure you're okay with this, Dad?

What okay?

She's my granddaughter.

Yeah, you can stay with me anytime, can't you?

Yes, you can.

Until you're a teenager with the boys and a reefer. Then I don't want to know

about you.

I wouldn't impose on you, you know. I just got a lot of work piled up from

before.

I'll be back late tonight, okay? Yeah, take your time.

Your daddy really misses your mommy, kid.

I miss her, too.

Especially right now.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah?

You wanted to see me, Ollie?

Yeah, come on in.

I didn't think you were gonna be in this week.

How you doing, man? You all right? I'm fine.

Look, there's a piece in the post.

Why didn't you call me when this broke? I had to read about it in New Jersey.

I covered it, Ollie. It's cool. The nurse is a fan.

Will she still be a fan when the Enquirer flashes a stack of 50s in her

face? Listen, something like this breaks, I'm not in the city, you find

me, or you find another job.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

What else do we got?

Um, Will Smith.

Who?

The Fresh Prince.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince? Fresh Prince?

Yeah. What about him? Well, uh, you remember the first album, the one with

Girls Ain't Nothin' But Trouble? Rock the House, yeah. Rock the House, right.

Well, you remember on the cover of the album, Jazzy Jeff is holding a model of

a house?

Vaguely. Well, Will Smith is donating that house to the Hard Rock Cafe.

Well, stop the presses.

Put the word out yet? Date pending, yeah. Anybody give a shit?

Every outlet wants in.

You're kidding me. No. Even U.S. News and World Report.

Why? It's an eight-year-old album.

Doesn't matter. Everyone loves that Fresh Prince TV show.

He's got that movie coming out in a couple of weeks.

Independence Day.

Well, then, kick it up to 30. Let the film division handle it. No, we can't.

Will wants to keep his music career separate from his movie career.

Like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is ever going to have a movie career.

All right, give me everything you can. I'll put together a press kit on him,

and we'll just do it. Okay.

Patty, get me Kirsch. Sure, Ollie.

You know, Ollie, I can handle this fresh print stuff. If you want to take a

couple of days... Hey, Arthur, I can do my job.

I'm all set, okay? You do your job. Go ahead. Patty, did you not hear me? I

asked you to please get Kirsch on the phone.

Ollie. What, man?

I know I told you at the funeral, but I'm really sorry. I'm fine, okay,

Arthur? I am fine. Please go do what I asked you to do now.

Okay, put him on the phone then. Hey, how's the baby? The baby is fine,

Arthur. Forget about the baby. I just want to do my job.

Jesus Christ, Ollie. What the hell are you screaming about?

Patty, was that...

Yeah,

I'm working on that right now, Arthur.

Don't worry about that. Just get there early and deal with the menus.

Okay. Hey, are you deaf?

The kid is crying up there.

Yeah, can you deal with that? I'm doing something important right here, Dad.

Okay? Thanks. What the hell could be more important than your kid crying?

I have a memorabilia donation ceremony in the morning that my company is

treating like a royal wedding, because apparently the client's the most beloved

American musician since Elvis Presley. All right? Your kid's been screaming for

the last ten minutes.

If it bothers you so much, go up there and give her a bottle, okay?

Sorry, it's a nightmare trying to work at this house. Um...

Jesus, let me call you back, okay?

What, Dad?

Listen, kid, I lost a wife, too, remember?

So I get how you're feeling, but come on.

You were married for what, 20 years? I got about 20 minutes, so you don't get

how I'm feeling at all, okay?

Well, I'm sorry, Oliver, but that don't change the fact that you're a goddamn

father now, and you haven't acted like it since that kid got home from the

hospital. I've been calling in sick for a month to do the things you're supposed

to be doing.

Jesus Christ, if Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.

Gertie doesn't see anything anymore, Dad.

She's dead.

Yeah, she's dead.

But you ain't.

And neither is that kid.

Yeah.

It's nothing.

Uh...

All right, so I'm going to do the kit. It's almost finished. You be there and

deal with the menus. We'll be, you know, what scones we'll get.

Okay.

Dad, the baby's up.

Dad, the baby needs to be fed.

Dad.

What the hell?

Are you nuts?

What, are you trying to get killed?

What are you doing?

Searching for Christ. What does it look like I'm doing? It would have been nice

if you told me you were leaving the house, Dad. That way I could have given

you the baby. Instead of driving all the way down here, now I'm going to hit

traffic. You ain't giving me the baby.

excuse me i got uptown and downtown to do this morning you're on your own with

the kid today what no i have this press conference i have to do this morning dad

you know that i got a job to do too this is not funny i'm not kidding if i don't

leave right now so i'll leave and do what with the baby take it with you god

damn it

All right, look, I know I haven't helped out that much with the baby. Listen to

you, helping out that much with the baby. She's your daughter, for Christ's

sake. What the hell am I supposed to do with her? Try acting like her father,

shithead.

Oh, sorry.

What?

They ordered diapers. Did they get here yet?

You mean like baby diapers?

Dude, why didn't you start this a half an hour ago? You shouldn't have waited

for me. We're not waiting for you. We're waiting for Will. Will's not here? No.

Either of you guys shrink it? Close enough. Where is he? We're not sure.

Damn, that baby smells like shit. You know that, right? You know, it's a good

thing he finally showed up, man. They're getting all rowdy out there.

Mother of God.

Holly! Ollie, the guy from Rolling Stone is a... Holy shit, what is that smell?

Oh, grow up, Susan. It's a dirty diaper. What did the Rolling Stone guy say?

If we don't start in five minutes, they're leaving to go cover the Blues

Traveler signing at Tower.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, you're doing that wrong.

What? You're doing that wrong. You're supposed to wipe front to back. You're

wiping back to front. You do that, you're just wiping the poop into her

crevice.

Get out of here. Beat it.

Mark my words, you're going to give her the crotch rot.

What do you do? You do this. Oh, not me. No. Will you do this, please? So I go

out there and just calm them down. Why? Because I'm a girl. I haven't seen a

naked baby. No.

Fine. Thank you very much. I'm going to remember this.

How much is this supposed to use? Should I get that guy back? He sounded like he

knew a lot about changing babies. That's for the smell. I suggest you use a lot.

Oh, you got to turn. Turn it. Turn.

Oh, you got to turn the top.

Oh, direct it at the baby.

Thank you, Susan. Go out there, please, and tell them we're about to start.

I'd say more.

That's a lot.

Take it from me, parents just don't understand.

All right, Fresh Prince is almost here.

Is that blow on your shirt?

What do you think, Stretch?

This is show business, right?

That was a joke, people.

Where's the Fresh Prince?

Fresh Prince is on his way. Is that Jazzy Jeff?

This is bullshit. Where's the Fresh Prince?

Will someone please shut that girl up?

Enough with the romper room, man. Bring out the Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!

Fresh Prince!

He's a two-bit TV actor.

Won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry on the pages of the

worthless rags you jerk-offs write for.

Shit.

That guy's toast.

Well, I look over joy, what did I see?

A

band

of angels coming after me

Come or to carry

Sweet chariot, coming for to carry me

home.

It won't be here too long, Dad. You know, we'll be out of your hair as soon

as I get another job.

I got some feelers out to the other firms right now.

As soon as this whole thing blows over.

Well, it's okay to stay here as long as you need to until you get back on your

feet. I appreciate that.

On one condition.

Here we go.

You put the kid to bed every night.

That's it?

For starters.

And no whores.

I don't want no whores in my house.

I'm not really a whoremonger, Dad.

Yeah, the kid gets this.

That's cute.

Eight o'clock, you both get a bottle.

Yeah, just shut the hell up and go be a father, would you please?

Yeah, this is only temporary.

It's, uh, you know, living with your grandfather here.

So... How about that Fresh Prince thing, huh?

It was quite a show.

Your dad's one big horse's ass.

Daddy's ex-boss has said the guys who did PR for Hitler have a better chance

of working in this business again than Daddy does.

So, okay.

How you doing?

Yeah.

You know, you kind of look like your mom.

Like a squishier, balder version of your mom.

Man.

I just wish you could have gotten to meet your mom.

I know she wanted to meet you.

In a big, bad way.

In a big, bad way.

Sometimes Daddy wishes he'd have died instead of Mommy.

Because Mommy never would have let work get in the way of getting to

know you like Daddy has for the last...

Month or so.

It's just that Daddy didn't expect Mommy to leave the

way she did.

It's just really, really hard on Daddy.

He's been trying to fill up his days with work, you know, so he wouldn't have

to think of Mommy never being around again.

I just love your mom so much.

She really lit my world on fire.

When that happens, you kind of think it'll go on like that until one of you

dies.

You know?

She just don't expect none of this.

I miss her so much.

So, so much.

You're a little piece of mommy.

You know, that makes you really special to Daddy.

Just don't go anywhere.

Just do the next best thing to Mommy, and I love you so much.

And I'll always be here for you.

And I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.

I promise you.

I'll be better now.

I'm going to be the best daddy in the world.

Because that's what mommy wanted.

And that's what you deserve.

And that's all I am now.

I'm just your dad.

Your dad likes to run off at the mouth sometimes.

I know.

Your mother wasn't a fan either.

You want to see a picture of your mom?

I have it.

This is your mommy.

She's really pretty.

Look.

You can keep it.

Daddy's got a bunch.

Worlds, they rise and fall.

Gertie! Within her eyes.

Your chariot awaits, princess. Against the eagle wings.

We gotta go, go on down!

To fly her skies.

That was cool, good. Ready for time? Yep.

Remember to put your seatbelt on.

Lock and load.

Coming around.

Ready.

Ready?

Can we go see cats?

Absolutely not. Why?

Because Katz was the second worst thing that ever happened in New York City.

Besides, Katz closed three years ago. We never do anything cool.

Oh, you're riding the Batmobile, aren't you? How cool is that?

Oh, my God.

Look, no one's more depressed than me that driving the Street Sweeper is

considered the height of excitement in my life.

I used to live in New York City.

I could have gone to see Katz three times a day.

I don't ever ask for anything.

Oh, and the Oscar goes to Gertie Trinkie for her performance in Laying It On

Thick for my old man.

What is it with you and cats all of a sudden?

I want to sing a cat song in the big show like everybody else.

What big show?

There's going to be this big show at school, and all the people have to sing

a song with people from their family. Are you inviting me to this big show?

Duh, yeah, you and Pop, too.

Oh, I'm sure that'll go over huge with your Pop.

Can Uncle Beanie and Uncle Black be in it, too?

Those men are not your uncles.

They're barely even your peers.

Peers?

When is this big show?

Right before Thanksgiving break.

Does that have to be something from the Bible?

I don't think so. Is cats in the Bible?

The Satanic Bible, yes.

What?

When are you going to take the kid to see the cats?

Jesus, you too?

Gertie!

Do you even know what Katz is, Dad?

What, I don't read the papers?

You don't read that paper.

What are you doing with the New York Times?

They ran out of the ledger.

They don't have the jumble in the Times, Dad.

Shit.

Where were you?

I was in the bathroom.

Uh-huh. Why didn't I hear the toilet flush?

Oh, I forgot.

Yeah, okay. March your butt back upstairs and flush that toilet. And when

I say no about something, like, I don't know, cats maybe, I mean no, okay?

Pop, you're supposed to be subtle.

Why do you teach your words like that?

You're going to have to mow the park for me tomorrow. I can't do it.

Why the hell not?

I have an appointment in the city at 11 o'clock.

Jesus, kid, why do you keep doing it to yourself?

How many of these interviews you got to go on before you get it through your

thick head? They don't want you in that business anymore.

For Christ's sake, you made fun of that Prince Charles guy.

Thank you.

First of all, Dad, I didn't make fun of anybody.

I made one remark about Will Smith, the fresh prince.

Sooner or later, everyone's gonna forget about that, and I'm gonna go back to

doing what I'm really good at instead of sweeping the streets and plowing snow

and picking up garbage, okay?

Well, if you're going into the city anyway, at least take the kid to see the

cats.

I'll tell you what, since there is no more cats, Gertie, why don't you come on

over here and pick out another play that you want to see. All right? Look through

here.

Anything you want. Go nuts.

The cats as a show?

Yeah, you read the papers.

You think you're slick, don't you, young lady?

Let me tell you something. Next time you're looking for a partner in crime,

you're going to have to aim higher than your grandfather.

He's so up to it.

Can we go see this show?

Sweeney Todd?

You know that this is a lot of singing, right? So play.

Okay, I'm just checking because, you know, your dad one time lost a bet with

someone at his work and he had to go see a singing play done by people on roller

skates. Cool.

Your dad didn't think so.

I handle primarily recording artists, but when I initially trained, I trained

in film PR, so I can do that too.

I, uh...

Took the last six or seven years off. I was raising my daughter in New Jersey,

but I kept abreast, so I'm pretty comfortable jumping back in.

What else can I tell you guys?

That's it. I can start, you know, right away.

You guys all right?

Are you the Ollie Trinky?

The one who used to work at Mandel Kirshner?

Yeah, that was... Son of a... Yes!

I told you, Reynolds, pay up! I got it.

Am I missing something?

No, no, he just bet me you were the Ollie Trinky, the one who pulled the

Fresh Prince.

They named it?

Of course! Are you kidding?

You're a legend, man.

You did what every flack only dreams about doing.

Which was what? You went apeshit, you trashed your client back to the Stone

Age. Yeah. We bow to you, man. You're like a god around here. Yep, exactly.

God enough to get a job?

Pop,

I'm home.

Yeah, like I give a shit.

You know, thanks a lot, Pop.

That's what it looks like?

I guess.

What does yours look like?

Not like that.

Yeah, let me see.

All right.

You ready?

It's time for Brian to go home.

Okay.

What are your intentions?

Huh?

What are your intentions?

With my daughter.

Do you plan on marrying her?

I don't know.

Well, only married boys and girls show each other their, uh, their,

you know, material parts.

Okay?

Okay, Brian.

You can go now.

Come back. Come back with a ring.

Yes, Mr. Trinky.

Bye, Gertie. Bye.

Goodbye, Brian.

Do you have any, uh... questions about what you,

you know... you know, whatever, saw?

Do you have what Brian has?

Yes, I have one.

Two.

Is yours as big as his?

Sadly, yes.

Can we rent a movie?

Yes.

So they wouldn't give you a job, huh?

No, but apparently Daddy's a legend.

You don't need that job anyway.

You already got a job.

Yes, well, Daddy used to have a job where a nightly shower was an option,

not a necessity.

You know what job you should... What's that?

You should be a dance teacher like Johnny in Dirty Dancing.

I should?

Should I say, nobody puts baby in a corner.

Oh, can you rent Dirty Dancing again?

Ugh, Dirty Dancing ranks one notch below Cats in my book.

Can you pick out something else?

Can you rent this?

Absolutely not.

Well, pick out something from the children's section.

All those movies suck.

Watch your language.

No, I guess that's it. Yep, that's it.

I'll just take this. Whatever the kid's getting.

Go ahead and put it in the bag. I'm all set.

That's good.

Bye Bye Guys featuring Curious Geordie.

Interesting choice.

Does the wife know you're looking into your options?

I got to.

At the wrong box by accident. Oh, right, of course. Would you mind exchanging

that for me for something?

You know, whatever, anything you get your hands on.

So then you want something... That's non-buy.

Can I have your membership card, please? Yeah, sure.

Would you mind if I asked you a few questions about your renting practices?

Uh, sure.

Really?

Do you always rent adult titles with your daughter in tow, or is this the

first time?

Excuse me?

Well, when you rent porn, do you usually do it with family around, or is this

like a, you know, special occasion?

Do I have to answer this? I'm a grad student. I'm writing a thesis paper.

A bird in the hand. The family man in the pornographic fixation.

Okay. I would rather not take part.

Really?

Frank, is bye-bye guys a one- or a two-night venture?

What are you getting, Daddy?

Yeah, Daddy, what are you getting? Let's just take a little look. Let's not.

Okay.

Would you mind not asking me those questions when my daughter's with me?

How about when you bring these back?

In an effort to get honest feedback, I'd appreciate it if you left the kid and

the wife at home.

My mom's dead.

She died when I was born.

Oh, Jesus.

Man, I'm sorry. I didn't... No, you didn't.

Let's go.

I'm sorry.

Aw, do I have to?

Major Damage didn't have to go to bed when he fought the Tiki Terrors.

Melvin? Andy didn't have to go to bed when he fought the Tiki Terrors. I'll

get it. You will not.

You're supposed to be up the slate.

Let's not use that term too loosely, okay?

Go back and watch your video.

Yes? I just wanted to come here and tell you that I'm really sorry about earlier

tonight.

I feel like shit about what I said and your daughter and everything.

You should.

You know that kid was crying in the car the whole way home? Oh, no.

No, I wasn't.

Go back inside and watch your video.

Nice, real nice.

See, now you have to let me interview you for my paper.

Oh, is that why you're here?

I just think you'd make one hell of an interesting case study. The sympathetic

widower who doesn't have time to date because he's raising his kid. So he

rents porn instead. I mean, I think that's very interesting stuff.

Jesus Christ, you got some nerve, lady. And besides, I'd really like to make it

up to you for what I said and for embarrassing you before that.

You're really having a banner evening. You're batting a thousand tonight.

You're Ollie, right?

I'm Maya Harding.

Hi, Maya. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Come on. Why don't you let me take you out one day this week? You do eat lunch

when you're not knee-deep in adult movies, right?

I appreciate it, but no thanks.

Ollie, come on. You're ruining my karma level here.

Buying me one lunch is going to square you with Krishna?

Hari-hari.

Is Monday okay?

Sound good?

I mean, I was thinking nothing fancy.

I was thinking maybe like the diner?

Around noon?

No.

Noon it is.

See you there.

Bye.

Incredibly strange woman.

I did not hear the toilet flush.

Thank you.

Can we get popcorn?

This isn't the movie, sweetheart. They don't sell popcorn here. This is

Broadway. This is class.

And if you're beautiful, what then? With yellow hair like wheat.

I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet Joanna.

Goodbye, Joanna.

You're gone and yet you're mine.

I'm fine, Joanna.

I'm fine.

Okay, now you see that floor.

Now look three...

windows in from the right see that window yeah that's where we used to live

before we live with pop we'd still live there if we lived in the city if mommy

was still alive yeah dad yes do you miss mommy

i do every day what was she like told you

a million times what she was like i know but i forget no i don't think you forget

i think you just like to hear me tell you it's okay It's all right. You can

ask about your mommy as much as you want.

Just don't tell me already.

Well, she was pushy, like you were right there.

She was beautiful, like you are right now.

And she was smart and strong, like you'll grow up to

be one day.

I'm smart now.

I know. I wasn't impugning your intelligence or anything.

What's impugning mean?

Oh, not so smart now, are you?

Well, that's a big word.

Yes, you're right. It is.

Let's see. To impugn means to criticize.

So, Papa's always impugning you, right?

Well, he thinks he is. But really, he's just talking to make sure he's still

alive. Papa's a very, very old man.

What do you think? You like the city?

It's okay.

But I like Highlands better.

You do?

Yeah. My school's there, and my friends, and we can make movies there.

Well, if memory serves, you can rent movies here too.

Yeah, but not from that pretty lady at the video store.

Oh, you think she's pretty, do you?

Don't you?

Isn't that why you're taking her on a date?

It's not a date.

The only girl I take on dates is you.

This is a date. We're on a date.

We are?

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't feel like a date.

Doesn't?

Well, I can fix that.

Sir?

So question one, how often do you rent adult movies?

Do I really have to do this? I don't think you have anything to be ashamed

about. Interest in adult film can be healthy as long as it's not habitual.

So come on, how often?

Three or four times a week.

Okay, maybe I was wrong. You should be ashamed.

You have a real talent for making the subject feel open and comfortable in a

safe environment.

So you're renting it presumably to masturbate to, right? Good God.

Oh, come on. Don't be such a tight ass. We're all adults here. I know I'm an

adult. How old are you exactly?

I'll be 26 in March. 26?

And you still haven't learned there are some things that are polite to talk

about in public?

If it makes you feel any better. I mean, I do it like twice a day.

Good God.

What can I tell you? I get bored easily.

You're going to get carpal tunnel syndrome.

Don't get all judgmental with me. You know, slouch yourself.

I just have a healthy sexual appetite.

Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a boyfriend?

Why don't you just go out and get yourself a girlfriend?

I work all day. I hang out with my kid all night. So you would rather hang out

with your kid than get laid?

Yeah.

Oh.

That's kind of sweet.

I'm kind of crushing on you right now, Trinky.

Okay. Can I go home now?

No.

When was the last time you had sex?

I would rather not disclose that information.

Oh, come on. Don't clam up on me now. You're going to remain anonymous in my

paper.

Anonymity doesn't concern me.

Embarrassment does. Why would you be embarrassed?

Because it's been a long time.

How long?

A long time.

Come on, champ. Own it. Just put it out there. I swear I won't make any

editorial cracks about it. Not in front of you, at least.

Seven years.

Seven years?

Since my wife died, yeah.

You know, a dumbfounded, mouth-a-gape look of shock might be construed by some

as an editorial crack, too. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's fine.

No, it's not. I mean, it's not at all.

With all due respect to your wife, you gotta get back on the horse, man.

No, I don't, actually.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you... Get up.

Are we done?

With this? For now. But come with me.

Lord have mercy.

Where are we going? To your place.

We're gonna have some sex.

Would you forget something?

No. Look, I appreciate the offer.

I'm very flattered.

But I can't do this.

What's the matter? Don't you think I'm cute?

Of course I think you're cute.

Well, then.

Look, I'm not just celibate because of my daughter.

There are a lot of emotional issues in it, too. I mean, my wife may be dead.

I'm still very much in love with her.

Hey, I respect that. I mean, look, I'm not telling you to fall in love with me

here, and I'm not trying to replace your wife. I'm just talking about two

consenting adults having some casual sex.

Probably some really short casual sex with you being a little out of practice.

I can't do it. I'm sorry.

What are you, a monk?

God.

Let's look at this logically, okay? You rent porn and touch yourself, right?

Would you lower your voice?

Well, if you're not sweating how your wife would feel about you and porn, then

you shouldn't sweat what I'm proposing, because it's the same thing.

Only somebody else is doing the touching, and you're saving a $2 rental

fee.

Come on, stud.

Man cannot live on porn alone.

Oh God.

I'm home!

Oh, honey, it's me.

Daddy?

Why aren't you at work?

Uh, because I had to come home and do... I had to come home and take a shower.

Can we watch a movie?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. As soon as I get done up here, I'll dry off. I'll come

down.

Okay.

Oh, my God, that was so close.

What do we do now?

Come with.

Sorry, Dad. I forgot again.

Hi,

honey. You remember Maya?

From the video store.

What are your intentions?

Excuse me?

What are your intentions with my father?

Like, do you plan on marrying him?

Uh... I don't... Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl

parts to boys.

Right, Daddy?

Uh... Right.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Can you rent all the movies we want for free?

What? Can you rent all the movies we want for free?

Yes.

Yes, yes.

For God's sake, yes. If it means we're not, you know, we're not in trouble

anymore. And, right, Maya, yes.

Whatever you want. It's on the house.

Even dirty dancing?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And we can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school?

What? We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school.

No, honey, that's too grown up.

Really?

Oh, man.

What am I gonna tell Papa about you guys?

Fine. We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school.

Okay.

Can you shut the hell up already? Christ, Greeny, you're always... Oh,

Jesus. Oh.

Christ almighty.

You wearing a... wearing a towel?

Just as long as you didn't do it on my bed. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was one time

in high school. You want to let it go already?

I banged abroad in my parents' bed once.

It was nice.

Terrific. Just so you know, we didn't bang.

What'd you get? Third base? No, not that it's any of your business, but we didn't

do anything.

Lost our heads for a second, then cooler heads prevailed, and we stopped before

we did anything we'd both regret.

The kid busted in on them.

Oh. Let's talk about something else for a second, like this water main.

How bad is it? Definitely needs to be replaced.

Jesus Christ.

We got to shut down Bay Avenue for that. This town is going to throw a shit fit.

I'm sure.

Hey, kid, you haven't had the inconvenience of taxpayers on the job

yet. They get like animals.

Remember back in 88?

South Peak Street.

Holy shit, I thought they were going to crucify us upside down. Like St. Peter.

Who are you, the Holy Father?

Everybody knows I meant St. Peter.

You don't have to explain my shit. Well, I'm just saying.

When I was down there, how many cars did you wave around?

Three or four.

Three or four cars. For the whole half hour I was down there.

Well, it was rush hour. Yeah. I don't think the legion of commuters in the

highlands of New Jersey is going to object to us closing down a small

portion of Bay Avenue for a few days.

One at a time, please. One at a time.

We're doing the best we can. You were saying?

Why don't somebody just go up there and explain to them what's actually

happening?

Why don't you do it, Daddy?

Wasn't that your old job?

Making people like singers by saying nice things about them?

Yes, baby, but... I don't know if this kid's got a point there.

As a guy who used to sling bullshit for a living, I nominate you to go up there

and say something.

Oh, you do, huh?

Can't hurt.

Oh, yeah.

He's going up there.

One second, please.

Folks, my name's Oliver Trinke, and I'm with the borough, so I guess that makes

me the least popular guy in the room.

I want to assure you that...

This Bay Avenue job will be a very minimal inconvenience and it'll only

take three days at the most. Bullshit!

Bullshit!

Folks, one second. I just have one more thing that I just want to add.

Look, I live in this town. I see you guys.

I'll tell you, it was amazing.

I get up there, and I weave this web of bullshit so profoundly mesmerizing, I

turned the entire place around.

Are you Silver Tongue W?

Everything I was saying was just right on the money, you know? Well, maybe

that's because you weren't actually slinging as much bullshit as you thought

you were.

Get out there and play in the dirt? I mean, I made that up.

Sounds pretty good to me. Hey, dude.

The sad thing is I had a greater sense of accomplishment from this stupid water

main thing than anything else I've done in the past seven years. You know, I get

it. I mean, you set out to do something, and you did it. So you feel drunk with

power now.

Makes sense. Well, that's just it. I mean, I was the youngest flack ever put

in charge of its entire division. The history of Amanda. I know.

That's an accomplishment.

Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest,

that's just delayed common sense.

Yeah, but that's your life now. I mean, being the youngest flack in the history

of blah, blah, blah, that's not you anymore.

I mean, that might never have been you. Oh, it was me. It's me with my own

apartment, me richer, me with more self-respect.

Like it or not, this is you.

I mean, forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.

I guess I'll just get this.

Kurt, what are you doing? I distinctly remember your father telling you to get

dirty dancing.

Oh, yeah, he did.

Thanks for that, by the way.

Incidentally, she's been asking me when she's gonna grow boobies like yours.

Oh, my God.

She's seven, okay?

Well, if you want, I can give her the old booby talk my mom gave me when I was

a kid.

Does that talk include using the word knockers? Oh.

I'm, uh, I'm glad there's no, you know, awkwardness between us after the other

thing that happened last week with the... Ollie, I was gonna give you a

mercy jump.

It's the moment past. It's no big deal.

Just friends, right?

Yeah, friends.

Mercy jump.

Stay away from my kid.

There's people getting their throats cut in this thing.

Yep.

And your father said you could do this for the show?

Yep.

Why the hell would he okay you singing this shit?

Because I saw him in mine naked in the shower.

Oh, yeah.

That'll do it.

Can I speak with an Arthur Brickman, please?

Arthur. Hey, man.

How are you?

Good. Good to see you.

It was, uh, you know, the town voted unanimously.

Proved the water, man, so.

You were always great with the crowd.

Well, except that, uh, that once, of course.

But that's it. It was the polar opposite, the Fresh Prince incident.

I was like, I was on the top of my game.

Which is why I wanted to see you.

Uh, I want to ask you a favor.

Yeah, anything, man. What?

Is there any way that you could get me an interview with your firm?

You're serious?

I thought it was weird that you wanted to eat here.

No, I know it's going to be tough.

Tough?

Ollie, you called a room full of press a bunch of jerk-offs, and Trash to Cline

was one of the biggest movie stars on the planet.

Wasn't big then.

No, but he is now.

You want to know how big?

When I left Mandel Kirshner, there were some firms that wouldn't even look at my

resume because I, no offense, but because I worked under you.

I've only been at Angelotti a year now.

You know what, man?

Forget I asked. Don't worry about it. Seriously, it was stupid. I got carried

away. Let me finish.

What I was going to say was, I've been waiting years to be in a position to be

able to help you out.

And now I am.

It's not going to be an easy sell, but I think I can get you in a room with

Angelotti himself.

Of course.

You know, you're a lot more affectionate than I remember.

I miss it so much.

It's the only thing I was ever any good at.

Oh, this is great. I can move back here. I can put Gertie in a really good,

expensive private school.

I can get her nanny, you know.

I like that whole Fresh Prince thing. Never even happened.

Well, I'll work on the old man when I get back to the office, and I'll call

you tonight if it's a go. Oh, great.

Excuse me.

Steer seats to the customer.

Guess what's the... Quick, now.

When I pound the floor. When I pound the floor. It's a signal to show that I'm

ready to go. When I pound the floor.

I have to get the phone.

Come on, Pop. Do Dad's part.

Me?

Yeah. You go do that.

Hello?

Hey, Arthur.

You're kidding.

I'll pound three times.

Three times. Why do I have to sing your dad's part? I'm supposed to be the guy

who gets clipped. You are, but your dad is understudy too.

What the hell is that?

It means if daddy breaks a leg, then you do his part. So come on, try it again.

You're doing good.

I'll pound three times.

Three times.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm supposed to be the understudy now. I cannot work like this. I'm sorry. This

is no way to run a show.

You were good. You can go back to waiting in the wings, Tommy Toon. I'll

be doing my own singing henceforth.

Who's Tommy Toon? Tommy Toon is a man that you can get a chance to see live

and on Broadway when we move back to New York City.

What? What?

What? Yeah, what?

Well. I was just on the phone with an old friend of mine that I used to work

with at Mandel Kirchner. Anyway, I had lunch with him today, and I asked him if

he would get me an interview with his new firm, right?

Jesus, another interview, Ollie. Come on, when are you going to learn?

Well, smart guy.

He just called me, said he sat down with his boss, sold me to his boss like I was

the cure for cancer, and it just so happens that a little spot has opened up

in their music department.

Boom! After six years of being a pariah...

I'm going to get back in.

I'm talking about no more street sweeper, no more picking up garbage, and

no more water main. I'm talking press lines. I'm talking about parties.

I'm talking about a west side address.

I'm talking about a good school for Gertie. But I already go to a good

school. Yes, honey, but you're going to go to a way, way better school in New

York City.

You're going to be able to take the subway to school. Won't that be fun?

But the subway's full of junkies and mole men.

Well, they are.

Don't listen to Pop. What do I tell you? He makes things up.

You'll see. The subways are great. I don't want to see. I don't want to go to

a school up in the city. I want to go to my school.

Honey, it's going to be too far of a drive for me to come back down here and

take you to school in New Jersey every morning. So let's not move to the city.

Let's stay here with Pop.

Sweetheart, I'm too old to be living with my father.

I need to get my own place.

And Pop, I mean, look at him. He's a mad dog. He doesn't want us around here

getting in his way, cramping his style. Do you, Pop?

That's all horse shit.

You know, thanks, Pop.

I don't want to move to the city. I like it here.

Pop says you can live here as long as you want.

Baby, remember when I took you to see Sweeney Todd? How much fun was that? We

had a good time, right?

I mean, if we move to New York City, we can do that every night.

Except for the nights you're working, of course.

You know what? Why don't you shut up for a second, okay? I'm trying to talk to my

daughter.

You love New York City.

You told me you loved the city. No, I didn't. I said it was okay. Jesus

Christ. I said I like Highlands better.

But why would you want some other job anyway, Dad?

You get to ride the Batmobile.

Baby, Daddy doesn't want to drive the Batmobile. Daddy wants to eat sushi.

Daddy wants to hail cabs. Daddy wants to have a doorman. Daddy wants to lord it

over magazine editors.

Daddy loved his old job, and he's missed it every day since he's been gone.

Daddy wants to do that job. Daddy doesn't want to pick up garbage for the

rest of his life.

But you told everybody at the meeting that your job's great because you don't

have to wear a suit.

Yes, but Daddy was just saying that to get them to say yes to a water mean. So

you're just lying to everybody?

Look, okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll go to the meeting, all right? And if I don't like what the man says, then

I won't take the job.

Now you're lying to me.

All right, look, young lady, I'm going to go to this job interview on Monday

whether you like it or not.

Wait, this Monday?

Yes. Ollie, you can't go on Monday.

Why? Because that's the day of my show.

Oh, shit.

It is, isn't it?

Well, it's at four, so I can just make it back in time. But my show's at five.

On what plan are you going to get back here by five if you've got a meeting in

the city at four?

Just lay off me for a second. I forgot about the show. How could you forget?

What, are you stupid?

Gertie, this job is very important to Daddy. What about my show? Isn't that

important to you?

Yes, honey, that's even more important to me. Then don't go to your stupid

meeting about your stupid new job in this stupid city.

All right, that's enough, young lady. You know what? I don't even want you in

the show anymore.

You're not even a good swimming tight anyway.

Pop's way better. Even Uncle Greeny and Uncle Black are better than you. Those

men are not your uncles!

Oh, no, but we're good enough to build sets for a show, right? I got it, sir. I

mean, where are you going?

I don't want to be around you. I don't even... I don't want you to come to the

show to watch it either. Oh, come on. I don't. You're not allowed to come

because I don't even like you anymore.

Get back here, young lady. Hey, I'm talking to you.

Hey, young lady. Get back here, young lady.

No, you can't tell me what to do. I don't have to do anything you say. Yes,

you do. Why?

Because I'm your father. That's why.

So what?

Don't you yell at me, Gertrude. I'll yell at you all I want. Blah, blah,

blah. I'm not moving to this stupid city. All right, that's it. You are

moving to this city and you're going to like it. And that's the end. I hate you.

I hate you. I wish you died now.

I hate you right back, you little shit! You and your mother took my life for

you, and I just want it back!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Get off me!

I'm sorry. Get off of me!

What the hell's the matter with you?

I took my love and I took it down.

I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my

reflection in the snow-covered hills Till the landslide

brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky,

what is love?

Can the child within my heart

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can

I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know.

Well,

I've been praying.

Cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older And I'm getting older

too

happened to you the other night?

You just sort of took off.

Well, it looked to me like you guys needed a little privacy.

What I really needed was a little backup.

She's a kid, Ollie. Kids don't weather change well. I mean, in a few years, you

won't be able to keep her out of Manhattan.

But for now, she just wants what she knows.

So do I.

Yeah, but is that even what you know anymore?

Jesus. You too?

You want your old life back. I get it. Big money job out of your old man's

house. It's not like it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, so?

That's your life that you want back, not theirs. I mean, this is their life.

What you're sort of saying to everybody who loves you is that what we have isn't

good enough for you, so it's just upsetting everybody, you know?

Everybody? What, me?

I mean, it's not like I've got some big romance going on or anything. We're just

friends, right?

Did you ever wonder if, uh, maybe someday it might...

Be more than that?

For about two seconds before you have me hiding in the shower from your kid.

Look, Ollie, I like you, but I'm not going to be all heartbroken because

you're leaving town.

I know.

Even if I took this job in the city, I'd still come back down here, visit my old

man.

And you?

Why? I mean, you think I'm going to stick around here for much longer?

Maya. Ollie.

I gotta get back to work.

If I don't see you at the show, give me a call sometime when you get all settled

up in the big city.

Come on.

Now there's tears on the pillow, darling, where we slept.

You took my heart when you left.

Without your sweet kiss, my soul is lost, my friend.

Tell me, how do I begin again?

My city's in ruins.

My city's in ruin.

Now with these hands, with these hands,

with these hands, with these hands, I

pray, Lord.

With these hands,

with these hands. I pray for the strength, Lord.

Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.

It's okay.

Listen, I'm sorry for yelling at you the other night.

I was wrong.

And I didn't mean any of the things that I said.

I know.

Neither did I.

Daddy?

Yeah?

Did Mommy like living in the city?

Yeah, she did.

She loved it.

Then I guess I'll love it too.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Thanks.

You know, I still might make it to your show tomorrow if the traffic's not too

bad. I won't be mad if you miss it.

I understand.

Okay, sweetie.

Night, Patty.

The Angelotti Company.

One moment, please.

Can I help you? Yes. My name's Oliver Trinke, and I'm here to see Arthur

Brickman and Mr. Angelotti.

Mr. Trinke is here.

Okay, I will.

They're going to be about ten more minutes.

Okay.

You can have a seat.

All right.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

I'm here to see Brad.

Yes, he's expecting you, sir. He apologizes, but he's stuck in traffic

and he's just a few blocks away. So why don't you just have a seat and I'll let

him know that you've arrived.

Well, thank you very much.

They love to keep you waiting, don't they?

Excuse me?

Oh, no, I'm saying they love to keep you waiting.

Right, yeah, yeah, they do.

I think they think it gives them the psychological edge, you know?

Well, it's about to give them the edge of my ass, because that's all they're

going to see when I'm walking out that door.

Do you know anything about these guys?

Uh, only that they're the fastest growing... Growing firm in the business.

Yes, I read that article, too. All right, well, you know as much as I do. I

guess that means they know what they're doing.

I suppose.

Unless these publicists hire other publicists to get the word out for them.

Right. Yeah, and then those publicists hire their own publicists to help spin

the good publicity they created for these publicists. Of course, you know,

knowing publicists, they probably hire publicists to promote the fact that they

spun the publicity that they hired the other publicists to spin.

Oh,

man. So what are you doing? I'm a publicist.

I didn't realize I was sitting here talking to an Angelotti man.

Oh. Tell you the truth, I'm not an Angelotti man.

At least not yet. I'm here trying to get a job.

Yeah, well, you know, these guys have been trying to steal me from my

publicist ever since my last flick came out.

Oh, the robot movie, right?

Oh, yeah. You saw it?

I haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm gonna, I'm gonna... Oh, yeah. Hey,

thanks a lot for the support, though, man.

I want to see that movie. No, you know what happens to you. It's not that good.

It's not that good.

I have a kid. I don't get a chance to get out and see movies unless they have

singing crabs in them or something, yeah. Singing crabs. I saw that one.

That means you have a girl. That's right.

That's right. How old is she?

Uh, she's seven.

Yeah, cool.

I got a girl and two boys.

And three kids.

God. How do you find time to make all those blockbusters?

Shoot, if I ain't have all them damn kids, I wouldn't have to make these

blockbusters. Right.

Oh, man.

It's cool, though, isn't it?

Making blockbusters? You tell me.

Being a parent, funny man.

It has its moments.

What's your daughter's name?

Uh, Gertrude.

Damn. Why you do that to that girl, man?

Did you lose a bet?

No, it was my wife's name.

Was your wife. Okay, let me guess. She took you for half after she saddled the

kid with the name Gert.

No, I can't blame it on her. I saddled the kid with the name Gert.

She died a child, bro. So was.

No, no, no.

I just feel like an asshole, man.

No, no, no, don't worry about it. You didn't know. No, listen, I'm really

sorry about that. I didn't see your movie, so we're even.

Trust me.

You know, this is exactly why people don't talk to each other when they're

sitting in waiting rooms, right?

Probably.

Although I gotta tell you, the simple fact that the guy who wrote Parents Just

Don't Understand is now a parent himself, I think it completely makes up

for it. It's true.

Oh, man, we don't, though, do we? What's that?

Understand.

I mean, these kids today, from the door, man, they got it all over us.

My daughter has it all over me, I can tell you that.

Yeah, my middle one, my son.

Every time I walk out of the house in the morning, he says, Daddy, how far you

love me?

I always pick somewhere close. I love you to that table, man.

And I know you don't. You love me all the way to the moon and back down to the

dirt.

Take everything I got to walk out of that house.

You get to spend time with him on the set, though, right?

Oh, yeah. But if I was a smart man, I wouldn't be sitting here right now.

I'd be at home playing in the dirt with my kids.

But we all know that I'm not famous because of my brains.

It's because I'm, like, strikingly handsome, crazy sexy.

And I'm, like, hung like it's ridiculous.

Oh, man, but I'm definitely not the sharpest spoon in the shed.

You know, it was really nice talking to you. Oh, hey, you too, man.

You out? I'm out.

Hey, you recommend these guys?

Uh, only guy I can recommend is named Arthur Brickman. Other than that, I

can't vouch for anybody.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.

You Brickman?

No.

I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

You want some rouge or should I just pinch your cheeks?

Pinch my cheeks, Greeny. Kids show or not, I'll put you through the wall.

I'd like to welcome

everyone. to St. Maria Goretti's Student Family Fall Pageant.

This is a celebration of your children and their talents, so we hope you enjoy

the show.

Our first act is first grader Cynthia Bodnar and her mother, Jane, performing

the song, Memory, from the Broadway show, Cats.

And now Tracy Coeli from Sister Anne's kindergarten class will perform with her

parents, Memory from Cats.

And

now

first grader Martin Tobias and his mother will perform.

oh boy this is a popular song memory from cats

you

gotta be kidding me

Couldn't make it easier

Honey, it's gonna be okay.

You're next, Grootie.

Break a leg.

and now we have something not from cats thank god first grader

gertrude trinke and her father oliver will be

I'm sorry.

First grader Gertrude Trinke and her grandfather will be performing what I

can only assume is a hymn entitled, God That's Good, from the musical Sweeney

Todd.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Your nostrils are quivering, tingling as well at that delicate, luscious,

ambrosial smell.

Yes, they are, I can tell.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze is like nothing

compared to its succulent source, as the gourmets among you will tell you, of

course.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can imagine the rapture in store.

Just...

There you'll sample Mrs.

Lovett's meat pies, savory and sweet pies, as you'll see.

You who eats pies, Mrs. Lovett's meat pies, conjure up the sweet pies used

to be.

Toby! Coming, excuse me. Hail there.

Right, Mom.

Quick now.

God, that's good.

Nice to see you, dearie. How have you been keeping?

Cormie Bones is weary, Toby One for the gentleman, he and the birdies Cheaping

hugs, keep it cheery Toby, throw the old woman out God, that's good!

What's your pleasure, dearie? No, we don't put slices Cormie, I do dearie,

Toby None for the gentleman, try to get me prices I'm a little dearie

Excuse me.

Dear, see to the customers.

Yes, what the...

Quick

now. Me heart's a-flutter. When I pound the floor. When you pound the floor.

It's a signal to show that I'm ready to go. When I pound the floor.

When you pound the floor. When you trust me. When you trust me. I just want to be

sure. When I'm certain that you're in place. I'll pound three times.

Three times.

And then you.

Three times.

If you.

Exactly.

More hot pies. More hot. Right.

More pies.

More.

Shit I

love

you, too

I love you so much.

You're great.

You're great. You're great.

You guys were great.

Hey,

Gertie, come dance with me.

Bye, Uncle Gertie. Bye, Uncle Bob.

I'm starting to like this show business.

Well, don't get caught up in the glory.

Tomorrow you're on shithouse duty.

You know, Block, sometimes I just wanna... Uh-huh.

I'm so tired of being your little geisha.

You had me worried there for a minute.

Yeah, who knew all those years you were nursing the case of stage fright?

Not about that, smartass.

About the other thing.

About moving away.

Come on, man.

Don't you want to live alone again?

Not as much as I don't want to die alone.

I'm not going anywhere, Pop.

You want to go over there and cheer up your Pop? He's devastated about missing

his big singing debut.

Hey, princess.

Look at you, Mr. Big Hero of the night.

Yeah, well, it may take me longer than some, but I, uh... May I?

Okay.

I like to think I come around eventually.

Well... You showing up when you did like that, that was just about the most

romantic thing I've ever seen.

Honestly.

Well, stick around.

Make it even more romantic than that.

Really?

Yeah.

See?

That was that for romance.

Do that.

Kids cutting a rug with that Maya Simon

shines on a dog's ass some days

you getting a dog

He's one of a kind.

I know.

You want to dance?

Snow City?

No. No city.

We're staying here with Pop?

God help us, yes. We're staying with Pop.

Are you taking me to see cats?

Oh, nice try.

No.

Thank you, Daddy.

Anything for you, girl.

Why?

Because you're the only thing I was ever really good at.

Let my love open the door Let my love open the door Let

my love open the door To your heart

I got no time for the corner boys Down in the

street making all that noise Other girls

out on the avenue Cause tonight I wanna

be with you Tonight

cross the river to the jersey side take my

baby to the carnival and i'll take her

on

Now you know all my dreams come true When I'm walking down

the street with

in this whole wide world when you're in love with a jew

I don't know.