Original subtitles

Subtitles: Lu�s Filipe Bernardes

Are you ready, boys? Here she is.

Just a moment, Miss West. We only want some pictures, please.

This way, please.

Thank you. Smile for the boys.

One more, please. This way, Miss West.

Thank you.

Would you say something for our newsreel, Miss West?

- Certainly. - Thank you, this way, please.

- Ok, Eddie. - All right, Miss West.

- What shall I say? - Anything.

Tell them about the beautiful things you saw in Europe

or what kind of men make the best husbands.

I think married men make the best husbands.

The most beautiful sight I've seen since I sailed from here last spring is...

the Statue of Liberty.

And now that I'm home, I can't imagine why I ever went away.

Say something about clothes, Miss West.

Very well, clothes will be worn, undoubtedly...

skirts could be shorter and legs could be longer.

The pound is up, the dollar is high.

So if the franc is down, why are they still looking for a new star?

That was very nice of you. Thank you so much.

Miss West, would you please make a statement....

- Sonny! - But Miss West...

I'm flattered to death.

The great Mr. DeWitt comes down to greet poor little me.

I feel like a visiting diplomat.

You know perfectly well why I came. Are you or ain't you?

- What? - Oh, Prince Paul.

Our London office cabled you were engaged.

All I know about my private life I read in your column.

Christopher West, if you cross me up on that story, I'll kill you.

Confidentially, dear, if I marry that prince, I'll kill myself.

Good, that'll make a very nice story. I want to talk clothes.

- I'm doing a story for Harper's Bazaar... - As soon as I find my passport, please.

I left it in my cabin. Let's have coffee in the lounge, shall we?

Right-o!

Get up.

- Hey, get up! - Hm? Oh...

Oh, good morning. I must have dozed off.

What are you doing here?

- I'm waiting for a lady. - How did you get into my bed?

I didn't get much sleep last night, I was tired, so I... lay down.

Get out. Get out!

Woman kicks man out of bed. That's news.

You're Christopher West, aren't you?

If you don't get out of my cabin, I'll call the purser.

The purser and I are like that.

All right.

Hello, I want the purser.

I'll have you handed over to the police.

If you do, I'll print in my columns you're suspected of smuggling in a pearl necklace.

That's a lie!

Yeah, but if I tip off the customs and they look for it,

I can print it, can't I?

I'm not the slightest bit interested in what you print.

Now, please go. I'm in a hurry.

So am I. I've only got 20 minutes to make the first edition.

Miss West, what about this South American multimillionaire on board

who wants to marry you?

I don't know any South American multimillionaire who wants to marry me.

- You're a liar. - I beg your pardon!

- Don Jos� Manuel Monterico. - Oh, is he on board?

No, they just put his name on the passenger list to tease me.

- What's your name? - Chick O'Bannon.

Now, Mr. O'Bannon, I don't like your methods.

Confidentially, Miss West, I don't either,

but that's the only way I can get what I want.

How about coming up on deck and giving me out a little cheesecake?

- Cheesecake? - Art, pictures, you know,

sitting on the rail and stuff.

Oh...

Mr. O'Bannon, if I whipped you up a nice fresh batch of cheesecake,

would you forget to mention about Se�or de Monterico?

Well, it's blackmail, lady, but it's worth it.

All right, then. On deck in 10 minutes.

Adi�s, se�orita.

I hate to cross that West girl up like this.

Oh, sure, sure.

Come on, Gladys.

Now sweetheart, if you make the early edition, I'll take you to lunch.

Come on, Les.

Thank you, Miss West.

Why do you want the cheesecake, Mr. O'Bannon?

Because the public eats it up, Miss West.

Thanks again.

- Oh, Mr. O'Bannon. - Yes?

I hope you spell Se�or Monterico's name right.

M-o-n-t-e-r-i-c-o-, is that right?

Not bad, not bad at all.

- Chick? Are you decent? - Yeah, come on in.

- I brought your coffee. - Thanks.

Chick.

- Hm? - Look at me!

- Hey, what are you made up for? - I got that job in the Tunisian Room.

- Oh, swell. - I start tonight. Chick, you got it for me.

What are you doing? The old act or just singing?

No, no, I'm selling gardenias.

- Selling gardenias? - Well, at least I'm in.

You never can tell. I might get a chance in a minute.

- Yeah, but Random told me... - Chick, don't be like that.

Mr. Random was swell. He said he had his singer...

but how were my legs, I said, I don't know, I never looked,

he said, well look, I looked, and they're marv...

Well, they're good.

- I'd never believe it. - Well, neither did I, but look.

I'll be darned, they're not bad, are they?

He gave me this costume...

and said I got a new way to fix my hair, I've got a very interesting back.

You know how they're doing it now, you know, over the ears and everything...

I do it like this, see, I take it all up front...

to clear up the back like that.

Only, I remember, I wear it front like that so I have real curls...

Well, anyway, I have a tray of gardenias

and I'm supposed to walk around and annoy the customers into buying them.

Someday they got to put a bounty on gardenia girls in nightclubs.

If they shoot me, you can have the pelt.

- I go for blond pelts, Bells. - I'm blond.

- You are? - Sure, look.

- You gotta be kidding. - Didn't you ever notice it?

Uh-huh.

I guess you always looked past me instead of at me.

Then why did you ask me?

- Want some cream? - No, thanks.

- Who's the girl? - Christopher West, you know...

Yeah, I know. It's your column, isn't it?

Hm-hmm.

She's not bad, do you think?

Hmm... she's pretty, in a...

in a brittle way.

In a brittle way.

Has she, uh... you know.

She's got plenty.

Who wouldn't, with that bankroll?

- A lot of clothes, a lot of care... - She'd have it in the dark without a dime.

Hey, you kind of fell for her, didn't you?

What are you talking about? You asked me and I told you.

If she's so perfect, why doesn't some decent American man marry her?

All I said was she's got something, that's all I said.

Well, she's been at the bat enough times.

I don't know if they were all hers. Strikes were out.

But she doesn't get that hit.

Why is she so important?

She's a society girl, only there isn't any society anymore.

I was raised for vaudeville. So what?

So, if you don't like our paper, why don't you cancel your subscription?

I know, but why print all that junk?

People like that, and Cafe Society, who cares?

It sells papers.

- I'd rather read about the zoo. - It's practically the same thing.

Now go on, get out of here. I gotta get dressed to go to work.

All right. Thanks again, Chick.

Wish you'd drop around and see how I do it.

What, me in Cafe Society? Phooey.

- Thanks for the coffee. - Oops.

Yes. Yes, I know.

But Miss Preston...

I've already made a man and a half for each girl.

Do you think a man and a half is enough?

I say a man and a half won't be enough, better make it two to one.

That's right.

Oh, keep it small, darling.

About a hundred. Just my intimate friends.

Uh-huh... what?

Oh, it's to come as you were when you were in invited to the party.

All right, darling. Good-bye.

- Good morning. - Hi, grandfather.

You wanted me, Chris?

Yes, I wanted your opinion about the dress I'm to wear to the party.

You don't care a hoot about my opinion.

But I'll gladly be an audience.

Well, very nice. Though backdated, isn't it?

- What? - Old-fashioned.

Oh, this isn't the dress, silly. I'll put it on for you.

Yes...

- A cigarette? - Oh, thank you.

I suppose you're making these pictures for the fashion magazine, huh?

- No, for Miss West. - Oh, indeed?

Yes, of course I can take them to the magazine editors.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, a press agent? Oh, yes.

How do you like this one, Grandfather?

You do the last one, Miss Grey.

I'm getting in on this one.

Maybe you can get it in while I ain't gone.

Still now.

Hold it.

Thank you.

- Are you giving another party? - Saturday.

And don't make up your mind about this dress...

because I've got another one in there I want you to see. Come on.

Send me the proof, Miss Grey.

Oh, and May, help Miss Grey get her things into a taxi.

I really shouldn't wear a dress to this party.

Not wear a dress? Why not?

Everyone's supposed to know what they had on, or off...

when they were invited. Ouch!

But if I show up in one of my new French frocks,

some of my dear, dear girlfriends who come with a permanent wave

or the spirit of the egg beater,

will think I'm a pretty poor sport. Only they don't call it pretty,

do you understand?

I do not.

- They all want to see me give up. - Give up?

You see, it's sort of a going-back-in party.

I had a coming-out party, and I've been around a long time...

now I'm going back in.

After you go back in, then what?

I'll think of something else, I suppose.

Do you like it?

Yes. Looks more like a coming-out party.

Give me the shoes that go with this, the platform ones, please.

I've never run out of ideas yet.

Chris, darling, you never had an idea in your life.

- Why, Grandfather. - You've been out 7 years, Christopher.

For 7 years you have been officially old enough

to do something and you haven't done anything.

Well, I've been almost married five times and I've... I've...

You've what?

Aren't these new shoes wonderful? They're inches higher, look.

You're not going to get me to change the subject.

You've done nothing all your life, Chris,

but give a series of parties, each sillier than the rest.

I'm not the only girl who gives silly parties.

You're the only girl in this family who ever spent her life that way.

- Well, it's my life, darling. - Oh...

No.

No, it isn't your life, Chris.

You were born, unfortunately perhaps, into great wealth and position.

You were born to take your place as a leader of society.

Society has gone out of fashion, haven't you heard?

I wonder if you know what the word society means.

It doesn't simply mean money or some supposed difference in class

Webster says it's a party of persons associated with mutual, or joint usefulness.

Usefulness, responsibility to others, for others.

That never goes out of fashion.

If it does, heaven help us.

Giving parties is useful in its way, isn't it?

It circulates money, gives employment, gives people laughs.

Let's have our picture taken.

Hello, Bobo!

- Where were you? - Under the shower!

- And where were you? - I was fixing a drink.

Oh, happy party, Chris.

May I be the first to congratulate you?

- Oh, Max, you look too ridiculous. - This is the way I was when I was in invited.

Good evening, Mrs. DeWitt.

- Hello, there. - Hello, Sonny.

- Hello, press agent. - Having yourself a tonic?

I'm loving it. I'm bored stiff.

I'm sorry. I'll send you Magnum champagne.

Gardenias?

Gardenias?

- Hello, Bells. - Sit down, I just work here.

I thought you didn't like nightclubs, Chick.

Miss Brown, I am Professor O'Bannon, the great anthropologist.

Oh, Professor, I didn't recognize you without your butterfly necktie.

I am gathering data on the antics of the anthropoid ape

for the Museum of Natural History.

Your first visit to the jungle, Trader Horn?

And my last, Tiger Eyes.

Permit me, sahib.

Have you seen the great white queen of the savages?

Oh, it is taboo for white men to gaze upon such loveliness.

She'll magic you. She's a witch.

And before the moon wanes, she'll conjure a love potion.

I'll have mine straight, no ice.

- I'll see you later and take you home, eh? - That's mighty white of you, sahib.

- See you later. - Yeah.

What is the matter with you? You're acting like a spoiled child.

Mama, do you remember those crystal studs

- ...Marvin wore to dinner the other night? - No.

Well, Chris West promised to bring me some just like them from Paris.

I even wrote and reminded her and she forgot all about them.

- Well, I guess you'll live through it. - She's a self-centered little beast.

Oh, why do I have to have such a stinker for a son?

Mama, why did you have to bring that thing with you?

It isn't a thing. It's a Rockwell.

And it makes more sense than anyone here, certainly.

Mama, I try so hard to keep you romantic.

Oh, but I don't want to be kept romantic. Do you know what I want?

To sit in front of a fire in a nice warm bathrobe.

And my hair in a pigtail.

- Please. - And someday I shall.

I refuse to be dragged around nightclubs every night.

And I'll sleep just once without tin straps in my spine.

- I'm an old woman, Sonny. - Mama, shhh!

How would it make me look if it got out that you were...

- Well, as old as you say. - It would make you look your age.

You do, anyway.

- Good evening, Mrs. DeWitt, how are you? - Fine, Chris.

- Hello, Sonny. - Unusual party.

Thank you. My, your Rockwell's coming along beautifully.

Why, it's a picture of Sonny. What a darling idea.

I can hardly wait to get it on the floor so as I can walk on it.

Won't you sit down, Chris? I think I will.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Quiet!

All right, kids, here we go with it.

The Park Avenue Gimp!

Come on, Sonny, don't be lazy.

A little gimp can do you good. Come on.

- Still sore? - I can't very well be sore at anybody

and feel sorry for them at the same time.

You're not sorry for me.

A little, when a girl admits she's through.

You know, I think this party's an awful mistake.

I had to do something to get my name into your column.

It's been conspicuous my absence since the famous case of the crystal studs.

The studs had nothing to do with it, darling.

Not much.

No, you're just not news anymore, Chris.

You've been everywhere, you've done everything,

now you've run down, that's all.

Maybe I should go out and try to kill myself.

Frankly, you're already dead. As far as the press is concerned.

Anyway, you might as well be dead if they stop printing you.

Don't be silly.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

He's my own photographer.

I bet I can get into your column this week, legitimately.

Not even with diamond studs now, darling.

Want to bet me?

Oh, I'd hate to take your money, Chris.

So you'd better just forget the whole thing and give up.

Your petticoat's showing.

A gentleman wouldn't have noticed.

- You're getting on, you know, Chris. - I could be your best maid.

Ordinarily when a girl 's through she can get married...

but I don't think you can even do that now everyone knows you so well.

- Poop up or shut up! - Of course I'll bet you, Chris.

A thousand dollars. I'll give it to the Milk Fund.

If you ever have any money to the Milk Fund it would churn out of sheer astonishment.

- A thousand dollars. It's a bet now. - It's a bet now.

And thank you in advance for your remittance.

- Grand party, Chris. Even with a headache. - Are you?

- Hello, cheesecake. - Nice memory for names.

Never thanked you. It was so nice of you to print my face.

Nice of you to have a face I could print.

- Let's sit down, won't we? - Yes, thanks.

Aren't you a little off your course, sailor?

- I thought you only covered boats. - The city editor had a bright idea.

Tonight you're a boat.

You're supposed to answer questions from a boat's point of view.

- Oh, a new game. - Hm-hmm.

Let's suppose you're an old hull about to go to pieces.

All right, let's suppose.

Want to go with me? How many of those have you had?

Too bad you're not a boat.

Would it make any difference in our long, if not beautiful, friendship, Mr. Cheesecake?

It might. You'd make a lovely boat.

Nice racy hulls, slick paint job...

Lovely boat. It's too bad.

I'm fast. I'm probably the fastest boat in these here waters.

Hm-hmm. But I like them seaworthy.

Your timbers are probably full of dry rot.

You'd be all right in fair weather, but you'd sink in a blow.

I've stood up against a couple of your interviews.

Pardon me, Miss West. Mr. DeWitt sent this.

Thanks. Open it, would you, please.

Excuse me.

None for me.

I need some. I have work to do.

Something that requires a clear eye, a steady head?

And no conscience.

You don't like me, do you?

Oh, it's a bit of purely feminine merengue in an elegant dish.

You mean all right in a moonlight ride up the Hudson

or a little conversation in the back seat?

You'd be all right in the front seat.

You know... it's strange about you.

It certainly is. What?

This is the second time I've seen you and...

and I feel I've known you all my life.

- Cigarettes? - No, thanks.

And I have a feeling, when you look at me like that...

You're looking right through me and know everything there is to know.

Lovely party, Chris. You were such a fool.

Thanks, Fanny.

Something no one else in the world knows.

- I know one thing. - What?

You're...

- No, I'm not gonna tell you. - Oh, please.

Look, um...

you're not under the impression that I'm Sonny DeWitt or Lucius Bebe, are you?

Because I'm just a poor little ship news reporter, I...

I only came for the free beer and no matter how much you want to impress me...

I can only give you so much space.

- I know something about you. - I didn't think it showed.

You're deep.

Yeah, I'm like an iceberg, 7/8 of me below the surface.

Only much colder.

- Not so cold. - Cynical?

- Sensible. - Oh, dear.

Listen, don't you have to make a speech or something?

Why?

Well, the queen can't sit in the kitchen and talk to the scullion while the ball goes on.

The funny thing is the queen never knows who the queen really is.

Don't they furnish a throne with the job?

Yes, but they don't dare sit on it. They have it wired.

- Shall we dance? - Uh-huh.

What are you thinking?

- Waterbugs. - Hm?

They go skidding across the water. Like that they never go below the surface

and there's never a streak left on the water to show where they've been.

- I suppose that includes me. - No, no, you're more like a firefly.

Well, if that's me, will you follow?

I was Olympic champion, one of the best followers of last year.

Maybe he was the year before, I don't remember.

Will you?

Will I what?

Follow.

You mean...

Hm-hmm.

You mean walk out on your own party?

Certainly, for you. They'll never miss me.

Come on.

It's been so agonizing having you with us, Mr. Cheesecake.

Meet you outside. We'd better not be seen leaving together.

All right.

Don't you think you ought to have a coat or something?

- I've got the top down on my car. - I've got my town car outside.

I said my car's got the top down. I'll meet you out front.

- I want a coat, please. - Which coat would you like?

Well um... Mr. DeWitt's.

Mr. DeWitt's coat.

- Just throw it over my shoulders. - All right.

- Would you... - Oh, I might as well have the hat too.

Thank you.

Well, look at that. We can't go any further.

No sir, we certainly can't.

Might as well relax, huh?

Might as well.

- Cigarette? - Thanks.

- Want a drink? Got one in there. - No, thanks.

- Warm? - Too warm.

Here, let me help you.

- Nice night. - Beautiful.

Yes, I'm comfortable.

- How did you know I was gonna ask that? - That came next.

What do you mean?

Cigarette, drink, warm, let me help you,

nice night, comfortable. It never changes.

- At least you know what I mean. - Couldn't miss.

It might interest you to know that you all give the same answers too.

How can you help it? The questions are always the same.

- So far anyway, we understand each other. - Definitely.

- What comes next?

- Well, lady... - Always get the same answer to that one too?

- Always. - Wonderful.

To what do you attribute your great success, Mr. Cheesecake?

This.

Did um...

- Did I look cross-eyed then? - I um...

- I wouldn't know. - I felt like I looked cross-eyed.

I still wouldn't know.

- I'll look this time. - Please do, I hate to look cross...

Couldn't be the drinks. I only had two, didn't I?

Well...

Ever been on a rollercoaster?

- Yeah. - Then you know.

Please sit way over there.

I can't talk if you don't, and I want to talk.

You want to talk?

I'm going to say something and I don't want you to say no

until I'm through saying it. Promise.

I promise.

Let's get married.

- What? - Married. You're not married, are you?

No, but...

Oh, no.

Now listen. You like me as much as I like you

and if you say you don't, you're a liar.

It isn't often two people...

- I mean, is it? - Well, no.

But that has nothing to do with it. You're Christopher West and...

I'm a girl, and a girl who's...

well, upset about you...

and that isn't all...

The things you say make sense.

I've been looking for someone who...

looks and talks like you ever since I was a little girl.

Don't take it away from me now that I've found it, don't.

- Well, look um... - I think we can make a go of it, cheesecake.

Really I do.

Oh, use your head, will you. We haven't got a thing in common...

Haven't we?

No.

...you have here made one to the other.

I hereby pronounce you to be hereafter

Man and wife.

- Have you a telephone? - Mam?

- A telephone. - Yes, mam. Right in the next room.

Oh, thanks. I want to call New York. I'm paying for it.

- Maybe you'd like a cup of coffee. - Um... no, thanks.

I'll have a cup.

- How much do I owe you? - Five dollars.

Mr. DeWitt, please. Oh, hello, Sonny.

Oh, never mind about that. You'll wake up in a minute.

Now listen to me carefully, darling.

I'm married.

In Maryland.

Married in Maryland, isn't that wonderful?

He's practically a stranger.

Your friend Chick O'Bannon.

Now do I win that bet?

Stop yelling. I...

Listen... listen, I'll be home in an hour. Call me then.

Good-bye.

So you made a bet with DeWitt that you could marry me, eh?

Oh, but it didn't have to be you. Anybody would do.

He bet me I couldn't make his column

- He can't very well ignore me now, can he? - No, marrying me ought to do it.

It isn't very serious. We can get out of it easily.

It won't cost you anything.

- You do understand, don't you? - Oh, sure, sure.

Why do you think I did it?

Operator. Give me New York, Beekman 39970.

Yeah. Step it up.

Cigarette?

Give me the City Desk.

Yeah...

Hello, Mack? This is Chick.

You told me to get a story out of that West girl.

Well, I got it.

I married her.

I said I married her.

Yeah.

Well, you know O'Bannon. Anything for a story.

- What a filthy thing to do! - No kidding.

What do you mean by doing a thing like that?

- Now we're exactly even. - It's different my doing it.

Girls can go around being heels, but men can't.

Lady, before you're through with this beautiful marriage of ours,

you'll find out that up to now you've only met amateur heels.

Now we're still exactly even.

- Is Christopher here? - She's not awake.

Well, she mighty well get awake.

Christopher.

Christopher, wake up!

What's the matter?

Has anything happened?

That's what I'm here to ask you.

Who is this man?

Ohhh...

Well, I did anyway...

In heaven's name, what were you thinking of?

Say...

let a guy wake up before this third degree, will you?

Who is this man?

His name's in the paper, isn't it?

Who is he, what is he, where is he?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Where did you meet him?

In the Tunisian Room.

- At your party? - Yes, he was a...

reporting it or something.

I met him before once. He was um...

- He's a ships news reporter. - A ship news reporter, huh?

I suppose you realize with that type of person

it might not be so simple to get out of it.

I don't think he'll make any trouble.

- What makes you think that? - Oh, I just don't think he will, that's all.

Feeling the way you do about me, you'll probably approve of him heartily.

He did what I'm sure you wanted to do many times.

- He smacked me. - He smacked you?

- Yes, he smacked me. - He um...um...

Well, what did you say his name is?

O'Bannon.

Hm-hmm.

- Wait here. - Yes, sir.

Pardon me. Mr. O'Bannon live here?

Yes, sir. But he ain't in.

But you can wait. It's the first door on the left.

- Right in there. - All right, thank you.

Hey, Chick!

Oh. He isn't here.

No, I was waiting for Mr. O'Bannon too.

Hm-hmm. Well, I was just wondering if he was all right.

He seemed sort of upset this morning.

Hm, how's that?

Maybe it was on account of his getting married, you heard about his getting married.

Yes, it must have been quite a shock to him.

Yes, it must...

Hello, Chris. This man wants to see you about...

I'm Christopher West, Mr. O'Bannon. Christopher's grandfather.

Well, I'll be d...

... seeing you.

There are some things I want to say to you.

Some things I want you to say to me.

I know all the things you want to say to me and they're all wrong.

So what you want me to say to you, right now I don't want to talk about it.

Sit down, won't you?

Mr. O'Bannon, I'm prepared to believe two good things about you.

A, that you didn't marry my granddaughter for her money.

B, that you weren't seeking notoriety to get your name in the papers.

You don't need to patronize me, Mr. West.

- But why did you marry her? - I don't know,

Yes, I do know, and it's none of your business.

And don't say it can't happen that way, because it can.

- Did I say it couldn't? - Well.

There's no use of our flying at each other, is there?

We both made a mistake

and we should try to figure the best way out of it.

Please sit down. You make me nervous.

Now, my mistake was in bringing up Christopher

without a proper sense of responsibility to others...

to society.

Your mistake, if I may venture to call it that at this premature date,

was in marrying her.

I am her grandfather and you did marry her...

and neither one of us can simply duck out from under.

- Maybe you can't. - You can't either.

Why not?

Well, not immediately.

- Naturally you want to get out of it. - Naturally.

- May I ask why? - Why?

Yes. Last night you evidently wanted to be married to her.

I'd rather not be reminded of last night.

And then Christopher evidently did something pretty shabby...

No, no, no, we just decided we made a mistake, that's all.

Then why did you smack her?

She told you that?

But you don't seem to be sore about it.

- On the contrary. I apologize. - Apologize?

Yes, it was my fault.

You see, if I had started smacking her earlier

maybe it wouldn't have been necessary for you to do it.

- Listen um... would you like a drink? - Yes, thank you. I'd like one.

- Will you do it my way, Mr. O'Bannon? - What way is that?

Don't do anything about getting out of it right away.

It would mean such nasty publicity.

I've never seen your granddaughter shy of publicity.

I'm quite proud of the West name, Mr. O'Bannon. It's a good name.

I'd hate to see it kicked around now when it can be avoided.

- How? - Being seen together.

Let people think that you are happy together and they'll cease to be interested.

Happy marriages are never news.

Go on.

Then, when they have forgotten that you ever got married,

have it quietly annulled.

Will you do it?

I suppose I'd be pretty much of a so-and-so if I said no, wouldn't I?

- Not that I like the idea. - I utterly understand that.

Christopher won't like it either.

But she'll have to like it. The whole thing was her fault, wasn't it?

Was it?

All right.

You'll find her hard to handle.

I could handle that one in two easy lessons.

This it?

Fancy neighborhood.

You mean just listen at the door? Yessir, I can do that.

I do that anyways.

And every time you call me up and tell me something I can print

- ...you got five dollars. - Yessir, but...

- What's your name? - Mattie Harriet.

Oh, no! That's perfect. Mattie Harriet, this is fate, definitely fate!

- It is? - You know that a girl named Mata Hari

was the greatest spy who ever lived?

- She was? - The greatest spy who ever lived!

Does she work for you too, Mr. DeWitt?

Well, no, they shot her before I could get around to hiring her.

Oh.

- Tell her I want to see her right away. - Hello, Mr. West.

Oh, Tiller, what are you doing here?

- Mr. O'Bannon, Mr. Tiller. - How do you do?

- Tiller's our attorney. - Christopher sent for me.

What for?

I believe it had something to do with Mr. O'Bannon.

- She's taken a lot upon herself. - Sit down.

Christopher has a way of doing that.

Mr. O'Bannon and I have come to a conclusion about this thing...

- Hello... Oh! - You have a fast horse, Mr. Tiller.

I think we can get this over with quickly, I'm sure...

Not so fast, Christopher, we don't intend to get it over with quickly.

- What was that? - Mr. O'Bannon feels that...

I don't care how Mr. O'Bannon feels. I feel...

You don't know how to feel.

This can be settled without any remarks from you.

Oh, It can, huh? What am I supposed to do,

lie down on the rug and purr while you decide what's to be done?

- If you feel more comfortable that way. - Quiet, both of you!

You've done a stupid outrageous thing.

Mr. O'Bannon has been man enough to try to straighten it out intelligently.

And by heavens, you're going to do the same thing.

And for the present it does not involve attorneys.

It would be better, of course, if it could be handled quietly.

By 'it', Mr. Tiller means our beautiful marriage.

- There's only one way to handle this... - That's just right, and it's my way.

- What's that? - Let the thing ride along as it is...

- ...and then, when the interests die down... - What do you mean ride along?

Pretend it's working.

- Make people believe... - Not on your life.

- Why not? - Because I don't want it that way.

Oh, so the rest of us can jump through a hoop and say, yes, mam.

Well, not on your life.

- I presume this is your bright idea. - It was not my bright idea.

- It's mine!

I don't like it any more than you do, but I...

said I'd do it because I don't see why your grandfather

should be kicked around just because we're a couple of...

It's the intelligent thing to do, Christopher.

If you can bring yourself to do something intelligent.

Oh, shut up!

Now we're getting somewhere. I'll shut up if you will.

The newspapers are all lined up to pounce, you know that, Christopher.

I'll fool them. And while their backs are turned...

- ...have the marriage quietly annulled. - I would urge that strongly, Christopher.

- Well, I'll think about it. - Good!

Now, I would suggest that you two be seen together.

Have lunch, and have it in the most crowded place you can find.

All right. Lunch.

I can't give her much of my time either...

A couple of afternoons, maybe, on a day off.

That's big of you. Well, I'd better go and change.

I won't be long. I don't care how I look.

Don't bother. I don't care how you look either.

That's no way to begin. You're supposed to be friends.

If you're going to fool the public, you must at least pretend.

Might as well start now. How about shaking hands?

- That's not necessary, is it? - Not at all.

By gad, you'd thing you were both four years old! Shake hands!

- No need to yell. - All right, if it'll make you happy.

What's so funny?

When you were little didn't they ever make you shake hands with some kids you hated?

- Yes. - Me too...

then I'd wait for him in the alley afterwards.

See you in the alley.

Two easy lessons, eh?

Come on, Tiller.

Only I know...

I'll just be a moment, dear. I'm going to check my hat.

All right, darling.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Random. - Well, this is really an event, Miss West.

- I beg your pardon, Mrs. O'Bannon. - That's right.

- This is Mr. O'Bannon. Mr. Random. - Hello, Jack. We're old friends.

- Really. - Yes, Jack tips me off...

on the celebrities who are leaving and I let him know when they're coming back.

Did you let him know when I was coming back, honey?

I said celebrities, dear.

Say, Jack, how is Bells doing?

We haven't had to plow under any gardenias since she went to work.

Well, remember she has a swell voice. Don't let her get lost in the shuffle, huh?

No indeed. First opportunity for her.

Hey, remember me? I'm the girl you brought to lunch.

- I'm sorry. I got interested in... - Didn't you, though?

- Hey, can we sit further back? - Farther back?

- Yeah, further back, why not? - It's silly to sit farther back.

Why, what are all those tables up there for?

Oh, those are for unimportant people.

We're unimportant people. We'll sit further back.

But people are rated by where they sit in a place like this.

It makes it more convenient for photographers.

Listen, if you think I'm gonna start living for photographers, we'll be having...

We'll sit wherever you wish, dearie.

We'll um... we'll sit further back... farther back.

We're supposed to be happily married, aren't we?

Did I say we weren't?

You can't go battling around in front of waiters.

That was a friendly discussion. When I turn on a battle, you'll know it

Chick!

- Oh, hello, Bells. Uh... This is Mrs. O'Bannon.

This is Bells, the girl I was talking to Mr. Random about.

- How do you do? - I think I've seen you around.

- Would you like a gardenia? - I don't care for them.

These are all sold anyway.

I believe I would like one, come to think of it.

Well, come to think of it...

I have a little thing here you could have.

We really made it up for a horse, but it looks awfully nice on you.

Oh, thank you so much, but um...

I already have one chain around my neck.

Shall we have lunch if I still have an appetite?

I wish I had mixed a little poison ivy in with this.

- Say, what's the matter with you anyway? - Me?

What makes you think anything's the matter with me?

I don't know what's gotten into her.

And you weren't much help.

May we talk about something else besides the help?

Now listen, she's a friend of mine.

Besides, she's got more talent in her little finger than you've got in your...

Well, then you've got.

- And another thing... - Go right ahead, I've got double indemnity.

When you're with me you've got to get down off of that throne of yours.

Just because a lot of socializing little cretins

and pathological exhibitionists bow down to you

don't get the idea you're any princess to me.

- I presume you're speaking of my friends. - That's right.

Friends. Cafe Society.

If you died tomorrow you'd have to hire half your pallbearers.

That's an amusing thought, dearest. Cold consomm�.

Never knew one of them wasn't too big short of a load medley.

Corned beef hash.

That just shows you haven't been around.

Cafe Society is made up of the most intelligent, amusing, charming...

- Rich, idle... - Creative and hardworking people in the country.

They do things that seem silly to your mighty mind

but they're clever and restless, and refuse to be humdrum and dull.

Humdrum and dull.

You've been surrounded by phonies so long you can't tell them from real people.

While your wide experience with both has made you a great judge of character.

- At least can tell... - Shh. Smile. It's Sonny DeWitt.

Hello, Sonny!

Chris, what are you doing way back here in the monkey house?

I haven't slept all night.

Look at me. After you called me I went right out and got falling down stew.

- No! - Were you as surprised as I was?

- In a way, yeah... - Where are you going to live?

Well, we haven't quite made up my minds yet.

- Have we, honey? - Uh, no, dear, no...

right now we're lying and waiting for each other in allies.

Listen, you, someday you may be forced to remember when I tried to be friendly.

Do you know what all of us kids are doing? We're giving you a party.

- Oh, how sweet, Sonny. - On your yacht.

Well, that's big of you.

Isn't it? Bobo thought of it.

She thought it would be so clever, on account of...

this man being a man with boats, to give the party on your boat.

That was clever of you.

Wasn't it. Just a few, you know. Cozy.

Chris, that's a divine hat.

That's the best looking hat I've seen in a week.

You know what I think?

I think most women's hats are designed by men

who want men to hate women. Look at them.

We're going to have the party Wednesday. Save Wednesday.

All right, I...

I'm sure my husband, Mr. O'Bannon, is looking forward to it as much as I am.

I can hardly wait. I haven't been slumming in years.

He's very anxious to see Cafe Society in the raw, so to speak.

- In the raw? All right. - Well, medium rare will do.

Be sure and invite illumining people. I'd hate for him to be disappointed.

Now don't you go to too much trouble, you two.

I'll only too happy.

It isn't every day we have an outlander to give a performance for them.

Have a drink, Sonny.

Oh, goody!

Here, have one.

Best thing in the world for seasickness. You look seasick.

No more, thanks.

It's probably none of my business, but don't you think you've had enough yourself?

Me? I generally drink twice as much as this.

We all do. Aren't we awful people, Mr. O'Bannon?

Hey, let's play something.

I'm afraid Mr. O'Bannon is just at the edge of being bored.

We promised we'd amuse him, remember?

- Play The Game! - Oh, yes. Wonderful!

I know some that will make your hair stand on end.

I choose Sonny, Bertie, Camilla and Jos�. Come on.

- Three words. - How many syllables?

Are you going to do the first word now?

Wait a minute. Is it a book? A play?

Mr. O'Bannon, you're not playing. We're supposed to guess what they represent.

Are we?

I got it. A pair of pants.

- Passion! - Yes!

That was the first word. And this is the third one, the third word.

The third word, certainly.

A sock? A whack.

Pop... eye... Eye...

Pop... popcorn

Pop... the weasel..

Pop... pop...

I know, Popeye!

- Spinach! - Yes!

No, wait a minute. Don't you all get it?

Passion is spinach.

That wasn't fair. That isn't a quotation.

Then you can quote me, darling.

That was wonderful, Jos�. I didn't have to act at all.

Hey, where are those drinks?

- Let's do the one about the cat and the dog. - I don't like cats and dogs.

All right then, let's do 'Astray from the Beach'...

Amusing game, don't you think? Don't you want this?

No, and if you don't mind my saying so, neither do you.

- All day you've been acting... - If you don't mind my saying so...

mind your own business. Here, drink it!

I said no, thanks.

- You said no, but you didn't say thanks. - Chris, I think you'd better go home.

Me, go home? I can't walk out on my own party.

You have.

That time I wanted to, this time I don't want to.

Chris, we're next.

This will kill you.

Is it a saying? It's a saying. You're doing the key word first?

You're doing that now, you're doing that now.

I got it. It's in a Court.

- A judge? - A bride and groom!

It's got something to do with marriage, a wedding?

- No! - Is there a playground in the house?

Angel?

Marriage, for heaven's sake.

Heaven, could it be heaven?

Yes, that's right. Marriage isn't made in heaven.

- That was easy. - But you cheated.

- You pointed down, you pointed down. - You should have pointed up for heaven.

Can't I have my private opinion about marriage, Bobo?

Come on now, Max, let's do the one we said.

Chris, I'd like to speak to you for a minute.

Do you?

It was a very amusing performance, but now we're leaving.

- So, tired of slumming. - Sick and tired.

Sorry to have to take you away from your charming friends

but I brought you here and I'm going to take you home.

- So you don't like my friends. - I don't like your friends.

- Why? - Because they're childish, they're soft...

- Well, if they're soft, I'm soft. - That's right.

- So you don't like me either. - Not particularly.

- If I didn't know you were tired... - I am not tired.

I told you before I can drink twice this much.

Not today you can't. Now come on!

- Let go of me! - I said come on!

- And I say let go of me! - Get off of there, you're gonna fall in!

Man overboard!

What's the idea of pushing me in?

What do you mean I pushed you? You pulled me in!

Now come on, I'll help you in the boat.

- I said I was taking you home. - I said you weren't.

I'm warning, I'm taking you home.

You don't want to go home on that board do you?

Now come on, let go of it and get in here.

I won't get in the boat and I won't let go.

Okay, you asked for it.

- All right, go on home! - You heard him, Chris, let him go.

If he can be stubborn, so can I.

Am I going too fast for you?

Not fast enough to fool me.

Okay!

- Where is he taking her? - He said he was taking her home.

- On a surfboard? - Where she lives, it's five miles if it's a day.

When you've decided you've had enough, let me know and I'll stop.

You better decide and tell me when you've had enough.

- She will be drowned. - You've got something there.

Hold the thought.

You know, it would be just my luck if they both went and died before the morning papers.

- Have you had enough? - I said I won't sit in that boat with you!

- Are you all right? - You're darn right I'm all right.

Mr. O'Bannon!

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

That's nice.

59th street. Done?

Hang on, we're going around the corner.

Here, grab it.

Give me a hand here.

Are you all right, Chris?

- I didn't think you could take it. - Well, I did, didn't I?

- I'm so cold. - Get the house doctor up here quick.

- I deserve a beating. - No you don't.

It was my fault. But you made me mad.

- Where's the bathtub? - I don't want a bath.

I never want a bath again as long as I live.

- I told you, I don't want a bath. - I gotta get you warm.

Just put your head in my arm so you won't get your hair wet.

You'd feel too bad if I got my hair all wet, wouldn't you?

Your hands hurt a lot.

Those ropes certainly cut them up, didn't they?

I'm a great guy.

Yes, I never met a man before who would do a thing like that to me.

- You said I was soft. Take it back? - You bet I take it back.

You've got a heart like...

- Is the water too hot? - No, it feels fine.

Oooh, that water stings.

I kinda poured it on, didn't I?

- I'm sorry. - You should be.

I am.

You just didn't think.

You wouldn't do a thing like that again, would you?

I um... I would if you needed it.

- What do you mean needed it? - You were pretty bad,

you even admitted it yourself.

Well, maybe I was,

but I still didn't give you the right of talking of it in front of people.

- What've people got to do with it? - Everything!

No woman likes to be borne out in front of her friends.

No man likes a woman to act as you did either.

That's got nothing to do with it. You don't understand women, that's all.

- Not women like you, I guess. - What's different about me?

- Too much money. - What's money got to do with women?

It makes them think they can get away with anything they want...

So now I have to behave like a perfect angel...

You couldn't behave like an angel if you had wings tattooed on your...

What's going on here that you need a doctor?

- What's happened? - We had a little accident.

- Accident? He nearly killed me. - I did it on a surfboard.

- I'll just look you over, young lady. - It's just her hands, doctor.

I said it's just the hands.

- I'm all right, really. - She'll be all right.

The doctor'll take care of her. Come on, boy, let's get out of here.

Well, you certainly did cut yourself up.

I brought her home on a surfboard.

- Surfboard? - Acquaplaning...

- Didn't realize it was so far. - How far?

About five miles, I guess. Cigarette?

No, thank you. Five miles, eh?

Yeah...

You'd have been proud of her, Mr. West, I mean, the way she took it.

- Not a squawk. - No, the West women were always a tough lot.

They need tough guys like us to handle them.

You know, Christopher's grandmother was never any good.

One night I spanked her with her own hairbrush...

You remember that, Watkins.

After that she was all right. We had no more trouble with her.

- Here, you take it, will you? - Yes, mam.

- You mean open it? - Hurry up.

- There's a five, I think I got change. - That'll be all right.

Oh, you bet it's all right. Thank you.

Will you knock for me?

Come in.

Oh...

- Hello. - I'm sorry, I...

I didn't expect you.

I mean, I didn't expect you'd even be out of bed yet.

You can't kill a blonde.

I did my best, didn't I?

Do you want to wait in there a minute till I finish shaving?

No, no, go right ahead.

How are your hands?

They don't hurt half as much of my feelings.

Read Sonny DeWitt's column?

My new name's 'Cowboy Chris'.

He says on an acquaplane I could win the pentathlon roundup.

Hm.

Someday I'll get that guy.

- Telephone, Mr. O'Bannon. - All right.

Make yourself at home. I'll be right back.

That was Mr. Hunt, my stockbroker.

I went to school with his daughter.

It wasn't Mr. Hunt himself. It was just his office.

- Do you play the market? - Not me.

That's the way most people go into it. They play it.

- That's stupid. - Oh, you do it differently.

- Sure. I got a way to beat it. - You have?

- Hm-hmm. - I wish you'd tell grandfather.

I think he plays it.

I know he takes an awful beating once in a while.

You tell him I'll be glad to help him anytime.

What are you doing?

Just sharpening the blade. I've been using the same one for four months.

I met an old gentleman with the Hudson Bay Company once.

Nice old fellow. Smart as a whip.

You know none of those men ever lose money in the market?

- No? - No, sir.

Simple too the way they got it licked. They watch the fur auctions.

- When the auction's soft... - Soft?

- That's no good. - Oh.

When the auction's soft, the market goes down.

Maybe a year later, but it'll go down.

- When the auction's hard... - That means good.

That's right. If it's hard, the market goes up.

They act accordingly and they never miss.

That's the shrewdest darn lie I've heard on play...

I mean, on beating the market.

- It's so sound. - Yeah.

It's probably the soundest advice you'll ever get

from a guy who at the moment is absolutely broke.

Mr. DeWitt.

This here is Mattie Harriet Smith.

They's in the bathroom shaving.

Does that get me five bucks?

Have you seen Helen Hayes play Queen Victoria?

No, I didn't see it.

They had a scene where she watched her husband shave.

- They did? - It was so sweet.

She had never seen a man shave before.

- Neither have I. - You haven't?

- Does it make a difference to your face? - How do you mean?

Well, is it rough before you shave and...

- I mean, smooth afterwards? - Sure.

- Wanna feel the difference? - Do you mind?

No, why should I?

I don't know. I just wondered.

Well, this is the side with the whiskers on.

It feels funny.

And um...

this is the smooth side.

Hello, Mr. O'Bannon.

Hello, Mrs. O'Bannon.

We're engaged now, huh?

We're married, and don't let me catch you forgetting it.

Chick?

- Yeah? - Who's that?

Bells. She's been shopping.

Did you take your bath, Chick?

- Chris, you know Bells. - Oh, hello.

I do.

She's been fixing breakfast. I guess the coffee's ready.

She made it before she left, didn't you, Bells?

Yeah.

How cozy.

- You want a cup? - No, I do not.

It's not poison. I didn't know you were coming.

I can see you didn't.

- Hey, what do you mean by that crack? - It's obvious.

- Wait a minute, Chris. You're wrong, you know. - Am I?

- Why, sure. Bells and I are... - I'm really not interested!

Merely curious to know what she does when she's not peddling gardenias.

- Or singing, she does sing, doesn't she? - Listen, lady, if you think I'm gonna...

- Cut it out, Bells. - Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't fight with her.

Knowing her type, she's probably got brass knuckles in those boxing gloves.

I don't know what idea you got in your head

- ...but if it's what I think it is, I don't like it. - It is what you think it is.

- And it's just a cheap kind of trick... - I wouldn't say anymore if I were you.

You're talking from that throne again.

And I'm going to stay there this time, I promise you.

Fine, but you'd better not stay here

because thrones don't match the rest of the furniture.

I'm not staying here. Don't worry.

There's a peculiar stench of gardenias in here that makes me just a little sick.

In fact, it stinks!

Can you imagine that?

It shows you the kind of sewers those people have for minds.

If she had any brains at all she'd know you never even looked at me.

You don't know if I'm a blonde or a...

Well, why haven't you? What's the matter with me anyway?

Oh, Bells, don't you go woman on me now.

I'm not your dad.

Mr. DeWitt, I don't get her.

She done said he stinks.

Yessir.

- This is Mr. DeWitt's office, Mr. O'Bannon. - Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry. - Come in. I suppose you want to see Sonny.

- You bet I want to see him. - Sit down, he ought to be here any minute.

- Thanks, but I'd better wait for him outside. - Oh, no, hit him in here.

Oh, I didn't come up here to... I mean...

I just came up to tell him a couple of things.

But it wouldn't be a bad idea.

It wouldn't be much fun for you though. He's kind of a weeping willow.

Aren't you um... I mean...

- Isn't he your... - My son? Yes, he's my son.

Sit down.

Thanks.

- So what's your name? - O'Bannon.

- Chick O'Bannon. - For the land's sake, so you're that one.

Yeah, I'm that one.

You must have had yourself a time with that little screwball, Christopher.

If you don't mind, Mrs. DeWitt, I'd rather not talk about that.

I thought so. Well, don't let it throw you.

You know, she's s screwball

because girls all over the country are screwballs this year.

She thinks she has to be one too.

- She couldn't be anything else. - Why?

- The kind of people she runs around with. - Oh, nonsense.

There's no such thing as kinds of people.

Christopher acts up at expensive nightclubs, all right.

Little Mary Jane from across the tracks

enters jitterbug contests at the Dreamland Dance Hall.

No difference in girls.

- Miss West isn't like any girl I ever knew. - Oh, sure she is.

Sonny's telephone never rings. It just tinkles.

- Shall I answer it? - No, no, sit down.

I want to have a good look at you.

You know, Chris's grandfather and I are old friends.

I've known him all my life. Known Chris too.

You know, I'm very fond of the little brat.

I'm sorry you're going to throw her out of the window.

- How did you know I was? - Your chin.

It's way out to there.

Well, I guess Sonny isn't coming so I'll get to eat lunch alone.

I'm very happy to have... thank you, Mrs. DeWitt, and...

I'll try to keep my chin in if you feel it'll be more becoming.

Now, before you decide that Chris is a stubborn icicle,

remember, she's dammed up inside worse than the Colorado River.

Even if she bothered to give in and say so, it wouldn't come out....

I can't figure out why young folks today

are so ashamed of having a heart...

when a heart is such a brave, lovely thing to have.

Well, it's none of my business anyway.

I always was a great one for sticking my nose into other people's affairs.

Maybe that's where Sonny gets it. Who knows?

- Good-bye, Chick. - Good-bye, Mrs. DeWitt.

- Boy. - Yes, sir?

Mr. DeWitt wants this to go to the composing room right away.

It's a new read for his column.

Yes, sir.

Here... where are you going with that... um...

- What's going on here? - Miss Christopher is leaving for Europe, sir.

- Where is she? - In the library.

I understand, but...

Chris, what does this mean? You're just back from Europe.

- Is it all right, Mary? - Yes.

- But... - Miss West is on her way now.

Well, if it's necessary, hold the boat. Oh, just a wee bit.

Just a few moments. You will, won't you?

- Oh, thanks. - Christopher...

- They'll wait. - Thank you, Mary.

- But... - Good-bye.

- I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry. - I'll go to the steamer with you.

- I'll meet you downstairs right away. - All right, hurry.

Yes.

Then why are you running away from him?

I'm not running away from him.

You really can be ridiculous, grandfather.

He wouldn't have talked to me like that if I hadn't a lot of money.

I hate money!

Money's not so bad, Chris, if you have enough.

It's the worst thing a girl can have, I'll tell you that.

I wish I were poor. I'd show her.

If a girl can't fight for her man, how is she going to get him?

How is she going to keep him when she's got him?

Somebody waiting on every corner to take him away from her.

- You know that, grandfather. - Sure, I know that.

But it seems you should be allowed to defend yourself.

Oh, no. She can snake him right from under my nose.

And I have to just stand there and smile because she's a poor little working girl...

and I've got a few million dollars, so I mustn't touch.

If we both worked for our living, I could...

knock her teeth down her throat and...

and people would say...

good for me, but...

the way things are...

she just gets him.

I hadn't thought of it that way before.

Nobody seems to think that way.

I'll look after your luggage. I'll be right back.

Yes, but grandfather...

Chris, now wait a minute!

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to Europe. Any objection?

Makes no difference to me personally,

but you made a bargain and you can't run out on it.

- You have no sense of honor at all, have you? - No.

You're going to Europe like anyone else would go to Coney Island. Coward!

I'm not a coward. I've got a right to go anywhere I please.

No, you haven't.

You can't run out on things just because you can afford to.

You people are all alike. You set fire to a building and...

Here, watch your step.

then you run before the walls fall in.

The fact that somebody else might get hurt doesn't worry you, does it?

Some people I could cheerfully see a wall fall on them.

Who, for instance?

I try not to mention her name.

What's the matter? You're too good to mention the name?

Evidently.

I'll mention it for you. You mean Bells, don't you?

I suppose you've seen a lot of her since then.

Sure I've seen a lot of her, why shouldn't I?

I've already tried to explain to you. The girl lives right upstairs from me.

- Yes, right upstairs. - I've known her all my life.

Brought her up by hands.

Found her in the forest and thought it was an eyedropper.

We brought each other up. And I don't see why I should kick out a friendship like that.

Suppose I told you you couldn't see your grandfather anymore?

So she's a grandfather to you.

She's not a grandfather, she's a friend. Did you ever hear the word before?

Friend. Friend!

Listen, I'm not the slightest bit interested in your 'Friend, friend'.

And if there's anything further you have to say to me...

The gangway's going up. The boat's leaving and I'm not on it.

- You're not. Surprised? - What about my luggage?

Unless your grandfather crossed me up, it's halfway home by now.

So Grandfather's in this too.

Well, I'll see you for lunch tomorrow, eh?

- Tomorrow? - That's my day off.

Well, we could have dinner tonight.

I was going to have dinner on the boat but...

I guess you could make me just as sick as the boat could.

No, I think I'll take the night off. I'll see you for lunch tomorrow. Bye.

Hello, Sonny.

Hello, Mr. DeWitt. What will you have?

Oh, I don't know, Bill. Just anything. Surprise me.

Chris, what are you doing here all alone?

Is O'Bannon around? Something dreadful's happened.

I said something nice about him in my column.

That was very nice of you.

But I didn't write it.

Chris, something crept in while I was away and wrote it.

- Maybe it's your secretary. -Now I'm ruined, I'm pointed out...

Oh, here he comes. Pretend like I wasn't talking about it.

- Hello. - Hi.

Dewitt, it was downright decent of you to give me that little item in your column.

- I was touched. really I was. - If you don't mind, Mr. O'Bannon.

The subject is closed.

- Good-bye, Chris. - Good-bye, Sonny.

I thought you weren't coming tonight.

- Well something came up that I... - You knew I'd be here, didn't you?

- You're always here, aren't you? - Yes.

Now that you are here, we might as well have dinner together.

Yeah, we might as well. Just for the look of things.

- Hello, Chris... Hello Chick. - Hello.

I kind of knew you'd show up tonight, I mean...

You mean what?

I've done a lot of thinking today and I felt...

Chick, you're just like me...

That's a dirty trick going around thinking things like that behind my back.

- It' so bad being like me? - It's pretty bad.

What's wrong with me, Chick?

Why ask me?

I don't know...

I have a feeling that you know more about me than anybody else does.

You know, I think we were sitting right at that table over there

when you said something like that for the first time.

Well, I didn't mean it then.

You ought to have somebody go around with you

with slides and a pointer so you keep your audience straight

You don't have to be so unpleasant, do you? I'm trying to be nice...

I thought when you came here tonight.

I was certain you wouldn't have dinner with me but maybe...

Pardon me, Miss West. Here comes your gardenia girl.

Thanks.

# Kiss me with your eyes #

# and I'll know you love me #

# Kiss me with your eyes #

# a secret embrace #

# No need to hold my hand #

# or to speak #

# Just that look #

# That leaves me weak #

# Thrill me with your glow #

# I'll know you caress me #

Doesn't sound like a grandfather to me.

# all over the place #

# Let's keep this one affair #

# In this dance #

# Darling, kiss me #

# with your eyes #

# Kiss me with your eyes #

# And I'll know you love me #

# Kiss me with your eyes #

- Did you know about this? - Sure I knew.

- Is that why you came here this evening? - Shh.

- They like her, don't they? She's good. - Sure they like her. What did I tell you?

- I don't like her. - You don't?

- I don't. - Oh, that makes it awkward.

- Why? - Miss West... er...

Mrs. O'Bannon is much more important to the Tunisia Room than the singer.

Caf� Society goes where Mrs. O'Bannon and her friends go.

- If Mrs. O'Bannon doesn't like her... - Miss West doesn't like her.

- All right. - Wait a minute...

Do you realize what you've done?

Yes, that your grandfather doesn't work here anymore.

What a rotten thing to do.

She would have done the same to me if she could.

That's the difference. If she could.

# All over the place #

# Let's keep this one affair #

# In this dance #

# Darling, kiss me with #

# Your eyes #

You're very generous and thank you.

And now I want to thank the man who pestered Mr. Random

until he had to let me sing to him. He set me up.

Come on, Chick, stand up.

Folks, this is Mr. O'Bannon.

Bells.

- I got over, Chick. We did it.

Yeah, you were swell. Now go tell Random you quit.

- I quit? - You don't work here anymore...

and you might as well have the satisfaction of telling him before he tells you.

But why? They liked me.

Yeah, I know. I'll explain to you later. Just do as I tell you.

I'll see you in the bar.

- Will you order now, sir? - No, we've decided not to eat.

- Brandy and soda. - Two?

- No, just one. - Thank you.

# A secret embrace #

# Oh, boy, it leaves me weak #

# All over the place #

I'll have a double brandy, please.

- You really said double brandy? - I certainly did.

I won't give it to you.

- You certainly will, If you don't I'll... - If I don't, you'll what?

Brandy, small.

You best stick with champagne. Brandy ain't good for ladies.

I don't want any more champagne.

You don't have to drink it.

You know something about me, Bill?

- What? - I'm enchanted.

- You're just a little cockeyed. - I'm enchanted because...

sometimes I'm so nice it would make you cry.

And sometimes I'm awful.

You never made me cry.

- Mr. Random. - Yes?

- I've quit. Why? - What do you mean?

I said I quit, but I don't know why.

Bells, you were very good. But there are complications.

- And I'm not in a position to... - I get it.

It's something I could do nothing about.

Just what I thought. She had me bounced.

I'm sorry.

But you can't get jealous. It ain't allowed.

But that's what I want to know, why can't I?

Well, you're not supposed to be mean like that to people.

You're made out of special important kinds of things.

- But I'm not, Bill, honestly I'm not. - I know you're not...

but who else knows it?

When that Bells sings to him as she did I...

I get just as sick to my stomach as you would, Bill.

My stomach isn't different from yours.

Feel.

Now feel yours.

See, it's just the same. I get mad!

Of course you get mad. It ain't right.

It's un-American.

Some day comes the revolution.

- Will it, Bill? - Sure.

And they'll all be leveled off

and you'll be eye to eye with the rest of them.

Then you can get jealous if you want to.

- You can speak your little piece too. - Oh, that'll be wonderful.

You're wonderful too, Bill.

I've never had a woman to talk to.

Women know these things.

Why do bartenders know everything about people?

Everything right, I mean.

I guess it's because they're always seen with their hair down.

Bartenders are like music, aren't they?

- Everybody understands them. - Yeah...

Double brandy.

- Hey, what is this? - Don't you speak to me.

You won't get any brandy. What kind of a place do you think this is?

I changed my mind.

You ordered a drink, you'll wait and drink it.

I said I changed my mind.

Hey, Queenie, buy your way out of that one.

Oh, now I can strike her, can't I? She started it.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Let her go. She's full of pixies.

Hey, you! Wait a minute.

- You started it, didn't you? - That's right.

What are you going to do now? Have me axed?

My wrap, please.

Chris, Chris, you were superb.

You're a regular fountainhead of news. I saw...

You can print it in your column and smoke it!

- You might have stopped her. - What did you expect me to do?

Run in there and stand in the middle?

Neither one of you should be out without a keeper.

Come on.

And it isn't you who's going to stop us!

Now listen to me. This is my car and he's my driver.

- I am... - I know who you are and it still goes.

Go ahead, Ben.

When I tell him to move his car, he's got to move.

All right, but be civil about it, you big ape!

- What was that you called me? - I called you an ape, you...

You.... you ape.

Oh, an ape.

- Just for that I'm going to take you in. - Oh, you and who else?

Meself...

You'll come along now, you little she-devil...

- Let go of my wife, you big mick. - I can fight my own battles, thank you!

We can erase that. Now get in the car and go home.

- Are you married to this baboon? - Yes, I am.

- Oh, so you're O'Bannon. - That's right.

Look who's calling me a mick, with the name O'Bannon...

and the map of Ireland all over his fan.

Look, officer, I'm sorry... - Come on, Chick.

Oh!

Well, it's trouble enough you've been having this night. Now get along with you.

Thanks.

- Will bean sandwich be all right? - That'll be swell.

- Coffee? - Okay.

Do you mind if I put your robe on? I'd hate to get this dress blotted.

No, go ahead.

Guess you're glad you finally gave her the air, huh?

Certainly. Oh, yes, certainly.

Hello! I thought you went home.

I did, but I thought I ought to bring this back, I...

thought you might need it.

- Sit down. - Thanks.

- Bill, I'm sorry I did it. - Did what?

Have Bells fired.

I don't know what's the matter with me. I never felt sorry about anything before.

It's an awful thing.

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I thought maybe you could tell Random I didn't really mean it.

You did, eh? I'll get him over here.

Fleming, You tell him yourself.

Tell the boss I want to see him.

You gotta clean up your own dirty work or it ain't any good.

- But why? - Because it's hard to do, that's why.

I'm glad you came back, Mrs. O'Bannon. I wanted to apologize.

Oh, you don't have to apologize, I...

I just wanted to tell you that I'm... sorry I did what I did.

I mean, about Miss Brown. I think she's good, I...

I really don't know what made me do such a thing...

Ahem...

All right, so I do know why I did. but that wouldn't interest Mr. Random.

- Please don't fire her. - Well, I'll do just as you say, naturally.

In fact I'm very pleased. I was surprised that Bells has a really excellent...

I wasn't surprised. Mr. O'Bannon's been saying it for a long time.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Good night. - Good night.

Nice going. Bells 'll be glad to hear that.

- Bells? Oh, I couldn't do that. - Why not?

Why, she lives right upstairs from him and....

I might run into him and he'd think that I'd come to see him or something.

- I couldn't do that. - That's right, you couldn't do that.

That'd be even harder.

You need a bracer. I'm gonna fix you a nice tall glass of lemonade.

If I ever get married, the first thing I'm gonna ask the guy

is if he likes bean sandwiches.

I guess society girls don't go in so much for bean sandwiches, huh?

Why not?

I don't know. It doesn't seem to fit.

Beans and ermine.

Sounds silly.

- Everything's silly to you tonight, isn't it? - Why wouldn't it be?

You sitting here eating with me, dying.

What are you talking about?

She's somewhere else dying. All on account of me.

Of course it's silly. It isn't fair.

It isn't fair to her, it isn't fair to me.

This way we both lose our jobs.

Are you crazy? What job did she ever have?

You.

The only job she was ever raised for. Man, husband.

You are crazy.

Listen, Chick,

I realize you're a man, so you're not very bright about these things.

But listen, why don't you tell her I don't rate with you and she does?

What do you have to be so darn stubborn about?

Oh, I guess I just thought I'd keep away from women.

The whole thing's balled up because I wouldn't let her go society on you

and you're sore.

Oh, you're hipped on that word.

Society. What the heck is society?

It's a man, and a woman, and a family.

That's the only kind of society there is.

- Do you want some more coffee? - No.

I'll have some too.

Come in.

Hello.

Hello. Come on in.

- Is it all right? - Sure.

- Oh! - Oh, my big toe!

- Now you listen to me! - I was really looking for you.

I came to tell you that... you're not fired. I asked Random.

You what?

I asked him not to fire her. I told him I thought she was wonderful.

This is so difficult.

Now you've got your job back.

Listen, for Pete's sake, don't cry.

You got your job back too. Hasn't she?

Um... sure.

If she wants it.

Look, kid. There's nothing up my sleeve.

Honest.

So, I'll be seeing you.

I think she's nice.

Sure, that's what I've been telling you.

Oh, cut it out, will you?

How about a handkerchief?

- Here. - Thanks.

You hit a cop for me.

Sure. No, nobody's gonna get tough with my wife with me.

Want a cigarette?

Thanks.

You want a drink? I've got one in there.

I'm all right.

Too warm?

Do you want a bean sandwich?

I'd love one.

Ketchup?