Original subtitles

Good evening and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

The feature is about to commence.

Please, don’t be alarmed, we are not charging admission.

This is not paid TV.

As usual, all we ask

is that on those occasions when you can’t view our show,

that you let us know so that we can send it to someone else.

Please don’t be a "no show."

This is not a hold-up.

I wish to dramatize the title of tonight’s play.

Tonight’s story is called: "Bang! You’re Dead."

Despite the fact this has been introduced with my usual flippancy,

it concerns a very serious subject.

And I would be doing it a disservice if I let you to regard it lightly.

Now I must hurry into the theater, for I don’t want to miss the beginning.

Fortunately, I have a minute to find my seat

before the feature starts.

For it is proceeded by an unselected shock subject.

It’s the management’s way of discouraging

those who might stay through more than one show.

[boy] Where’d you get it?

[boy 2] Birthday.

How many bullets you got?

Whole box full.

There.

[imitating gunshots]

[clicks]

What a cheesy gun!

-Can I try yours? -[Stephen] Nah.

-Please? -Nuh-uh! Go on home.

Can’t I get in the war too, Stevie?

This is our war, I told you. Go on home, half-pint.

[imitates gunshots]

[car honks]

-Hi! -Hi.

Jackie, he’s your uncle Rick, come from the wars.

I’d known him if I’d met him in a jungle.

How are you, Jackie?

You got your own war on?

They won’t let me in their war.

Oh, they won’t, huh?

Boo!

-Boo! -[man] Jackie,

Uncle Rick was in Africa yesterday.

Wonderful gadget, the airplane.

[woman] Rick!

-You made it. -Sure did, sis.

Skin and all.

Hey, what’s going on here?

You think you are the only one who had trouble with the natives?

-Oh, brother! -[laughs]

What on earth is that?

Well, that is what the well-dressed witch doctor

is wearing. It’s just a little something I picked up for you, chums.

You home for good, really?

Well, it’s a little tough to do business

in a country that is blowing sky high.

-Rick. -Oh, thanks.

[sighs] Peace, it’s wonderful.

Now, that little item was all there was left.

Just one incident.

You might say it had its bloodbath.

-Bad, eh? -Well, it’s no place

for an innocent automobile salesman, I’ll tell you that.

Going to sleep every night with a gun under your pillow...

It leads to a certain amount of insomnia.

-[clicks] -Shh!

-Well, better days. -And nights.

Where is that Cleo? Nobody’s even started the canapés...

She’ll be here, honey.

[imitates gunshots]

No! I didn’t do it now, partner.

Show Rick his room, Fred. I’d better call.

Oh, Rick, if you could have stayed on,

we wouldn’t have rushed you into a party.

Maybe you can make friends and influence people.

Well, I’ve got a couple of connections up north, but I can be bought.

All right, where am I?

-I’ll show you, Uncle Rick. -Lead on, Wild Bill.

[phone dialing]

That thing gives me the old-fashioned willies.

I must say I don’t care for it next to the olives.

Conversation piece.

Blood bath.

Here,

have a transfusion.

No answer.

I should have told Cleo to come at her regular time.

-But it’s not her regular day. -[exhales]

Nope, I never did meet Tarzan,

I guess he must live in another part of Africa.

[imitates gunshots]

[groans]

OK, fork over.

OK.

-There you go. -Gee, thanks, Uncle Rick.

You’re welcome, Jackie. Say, I’ve got a surprise for you

that’ll really knock your eye out, ol’ fella.

You just wait till after the party.

-Can’t I have it now? -Nope.

How is it going?

OK between shakedowns.

-Drink it while it’s hot. -Thanks.

We’ve got to cheer Amy up. She thinks the maid

has fallen down a manhole someplace. [laughs]

Daddy, Uncle Rick’s got a surprise for me.

Well, he’s a fine, decent, good-hearted uncle, that’s what he is.

Why don’t you unpack for him?

-After you. -Be right back, Jackie.

[imitates gunshot]

[imitates gunshot]

[imitates gunshot]

Though I guess this is as good a way as any to work up the people.

I tell you, if you could just see, or hear it,

you’d wish you were six years old again

-shooting honest Injuns. -[spins the cylinder]

This is probably a museum piece.

[Fred] No offense, but it probably oughta be in a museum.

[Amy] How could she have left an hour ago

and still not be here? It only takes her 25 minutes.

-Hands up! -Of course,

I know how the buses are.

I just can’t help being upset,

I’ve got guests arriving in an hour.

Don’t bother me, honey.

-[imitates gunshot] -[Amy] Yes, I know-- Jackie!

Please.

Well, let’s just hope Cleo arrives soon.

Thank you so much. Goodbye.

[hangs up the phone]

-[Fred] No luck? -[Amy] She left an hour ago.

It’s my fault, I should’ve picked her up.

[Fred] Don’t fret, honey, I have limitless confidence in Cleo.

-[Amy] Funny. -[Fred] What?

[Amy] I have the strangest feeling something’s wrong.

-Intuition. -[Amy] I don’t know,

I hope nothing’s happened to her.

-[imitates gunshot] -[Fred] Jackie!

[Amy] Run along, honey. Go out and play.

Yeah, why don’t you go outside and see if you can bring down a real, live maid, huh?

Thanks for the surprise, Uncle Rick.

-[chuckles] -[Amy] Surprise?

[Rick] Well, he thanks me in advance.

Shows he has a very trusting spirit.

[laughs] Brought him one of these... Masai feather hats

Still out in the car, isn’t it?

Well, you know, I wanted to give him the whole picture.

You know, old story type telling uncle.

You get him off of this Western kick

and I’ll be glad for a change.

[dog barking]

Stick ’em up!

Put them up.

Now, just a minute, Billy the Kid.

I am not a Rebel soldier.

I’m the United States Mail and it’s against the law to shoot me.

-Whatchu you want? -Nothing, I’m just practicing.

I’ll tell you a secret.

The real big stuff’s down at the post office.

Registered mail. Jewelry, gold watches, money.

Money? I got a lot of money, see?

Uncle Rick gave it to me. I’m going to the store.

Great. Run along now and buy yourself a 20 cent belly ache.

I got to crank up the stage and get going

before the Injuns get me. OK?

Sure. Bye, mailman.

Bye, Jackie.

[hums]

I thought I’d give Amy a sneak preview. Does this...?

S-Something wrong?

Yeah.

[imitates gunshot]

Hey, you got to feed him.

-What? -Dimes.

In the slot there. Ride ’em, cowboy.

You’re sure he isn’t playing in your backyard, Judith?

All right. No, no, I’ve called the Davidsons.

Of course something’s wrong.

He’s got his uncle’s revolver with live ammunition.

He thinks it’s a toy.

Did you look at the gun he had?

I told you, Mr. Chester, it’s a cap gun!

He wanted to get in our war and I wouldn’t let him.

I told him to go home!

Then you didn’t see him when he came out again?

No, sir. I was over at Gary’s.

I called everybody I could think of.

No one’s seen him since lunch.

That settles it, we call the police right now.

-[car honking] -Oh!

I’m gonna go call the police.

The mailman said he saw him heading for the supermarket.

Climb in. Hurry!

[imitates gunshots]

Daddy...

-I want to ride the horsie. -No, not now.

I want to ride the horsie!

Honey, the horsie’s got a customer, can’t you see?

Now, come on, now, don’t give daddy a bad time. Come on.

How about it, friend? Give us a fast ride?

Just once around the corral?

-I got here first. -I know, I know,

but give us a break, huh?

You know how women are and this one’s a murder!

-I got here first. -I want to ride the horsie!

Yeah, well, here. Look, pal, there.

Would that make it right?

-I got here first. -Daddy...

Mmm... come here.

Hey, that’s my horse!

I know, I know, and I’ll put you right back on it in just a minute.

Horse thief!

Yeah, well, don’t be too harsh on me, sheriff.

Here you go, Darlene, doll.

-[clicks] -[imitates shotgun]

[clerk] OK, run along, kids.

This ain’t the public library.

Keep out of mischief, huh?

See you on television.

[woman through PA] George Webster on register 7, please.

Coming.

I know how busy you are, but I am just beat down to a nub.

We should’ve got this done last week, but we just let it go

and let it go. You know how you do.

-What can I do for you? -Oh, she’s looking for cartons.

Big cartons.

All the cartons we got are out back.

Oh, I saw those, they won’t do.

But you do have some in the backroom that are just perfect,

except they’re full of dog food or something.

-Excuse me, please, have you seen--? -Just a minute, lady.

This is a troop project, you see.

We are all making puppets for the Campcraft Fair--

I’m sorry, but this is important.

-Well, so is this! -I said just a minute, lady.

They’re for puppet theaters. We cut up the front--

I’ve got to find my little boy.

Check with the manager, please. At the desk, aisle six.

-Excuse me. -Just a minute, please.

Can I have your driver’s license, please?

All right, take it to the cashier on number three.

-Yes, ma’am. -Would you please make an announcement?

My little boy is around here someplace and with a--

[phone ringing]

Jensen. Yeah. How many cases?

Hands up!

Oh, come on, you wouldn’t shoot a girl, would you?

Sure, I would. Watch.

-How’s that? -Mmm!

More?

Mmm.

That’s why you outlaws are so mean, you’re always hungry!

Never saw an outlaw shoot anybody on a full stomach.

Now, you tell your mommy we have six different kinds of Jiffy Snacks.

All she has to do is open the can, OK?

-Uh-huh. -What’s your name?

-Jackie. -Bye, Jackie.

Bye.

Please! Please, this is an emergency!

I want you to make an announcement!

You want to ride this pony, you take your turn.

[manager on PA] Your attention, please.

We have a missing boy named--

[loud buzzing of machine]

He’s five years old, wearing a straw cowboy hat.

His mother is waiting here, at the desk on aisle six.

Jackie Chester, five years old.

Please send him to the desk on aisle six.

I just saw him down on aisle eight.

He was sitting right there loading his gun.

Why that’s a real bullet.

Yes, it is.

Jackie! Jackie, this is mother!

Somebody just saw him out on the parking lot.

[Amy] Jackie!

-Any luck? -He’s out here somewhere,

somebody just saw him.

-[loud bang] -Oh, Fred...

[Fred] Come on!

Jackie!

-[Rick] Did you hear that? -[loud bang]

[Fred] Over there!

-[Amy] Jackie! -[Fred] Jackie!

[loud bangs]

-[Cleo] Who’s that? -Me.

Where’s everybody, honey?

I don’t know.

Stick ’em up, Cleo!

Oh, I got no time to play games, swettie pie.

Your mother’s probably fit to be tied.

Uncle Rick gave me this.

You can put bullets in it, just like real.

Did he tell you all about Africa?

Tarzan doesn’t live there.

-[Cleo] He moved? -I don’t know.

He probably got himself crippled up,

swinging on trees the way he does.

Found himself a nice, quiet cave and settled down.

Nobody will play war with me.

I’ll play with you tomorrow.

Stick ’em up, Cleo!

You put that down, Jackie.

-I told you I can’t play now. -Make me.

Why you little rapscallion! [laughs]

If I get my hands on you, Jackie, I bet I--

[sighs]

I ought to have my head examined.

That won’t help us now.

I don’t know what happened, my mind just went blank or something.

If anyone gets hurt-- If Jackie...

Sitting here crucifying ourselves is not going to solve anything.

Let’s go call the police.

Stick ’em up, Cleo!

OK, you go ahead and shoot me.

-Will you tell Mom? -[Cleo] Sure I’ll tell her.

I’ll tell her how you tormented me with a cowboy gun

and wouldn’t mind me for sour apples.

That’s what I’ll tell her.

I’ll shoot you, Cleo. I’ll shoot you.

It’s all right with me.

I made my peace with the Almighty.

Go on, blaze away.

-[Fred] Jackie! -[gunshot]

[exclamation] Cleo!

-It’s a real gun! -You’re not hurt?

[Jackie] It banged, Daddy!

No.

-Oh! -Mommy! Mommy!

After an experience like that,

we need something to break the spell.

And I have just the thing. I should rejoin you in a moment.

On rare occasions, we have stories on this program

which do not lend themselves to levity.

"Bang! You’re Dead" is a case in point.

We only hope that this play has dramatized for parents

the importance of keeping firearms and ammunition

out of reach of children.

Accidents of this type occur far too frequently nowadays.

And the tragic fact is that, with proper precaution,

they could be avoided.

That is all for tonight.

Please join us next week

when we shall return with another story.

Until then, goodnight.