Original subtitles

[echoing gasp]

At long last, the Pre-Cogs have stirred.

Their murky slumber broken by their prophecies for...

this year's yearbook superlatives!

"Most Likely To Work As A Secretary: Lisa Cutter."

Lisa, are you getting all of this?

"Most Likely to Not Succeed: Johnny Detention."

Oh, my. This must be some kind of mistake.

[water sloshes]

"Most Likely To Commit Patricide: Stan Flute."

[students gasp]

Cannonball!

[grunts]

That is detention for you, Johnny Detention.

This place sucks!

[upbeat music]

[theme song playing]

[printer whirring]

Ooh, a crime report from the school.

Those Pre-Cogs are so creepy.

Still more useful than the Post-Cogs.

That guy got killed. Nailed it.

[sighs]

Hey Martinez, anything in there about a gorgeous coroner

smothering a defenseless cyborg with kisses one day?

I'd hate to get a reputation around here as a wise sage

whose carefully doled-out advice

is founded on literal centuries of lived experience, but...

if you wanna get between the thighs, you gotta advertise.

Sounds better in Latin.

Thought you should see this.

Hey, Stan got a superlative. Good for him.

You don't know what patricide means, do you?

[chuckling] What? Of course I do.

And I'll tell you, right after I go to the bathroom.

With my phone.

To take some pics of my junk.

To send to my doctor.

My junk's fine, I'm just harassing him.

[muffled] Wait, that's what patricide means?

Hey, hey, Flute just found out his son is gonna murder him.

Still batting a thousand. Up top!

Hope you like drinking urine!

[tires screech]

[gasps]

[both grunt]

Hmm. You're not a threat.

You can fix your little popsicle stick house now.

It's actually the Menendez Brothers' mansion.

Everything's perfectly to scale.

Even Lyle's wig.

There, now you can go kill your parents.

[gasps]

What the hell are you doing?

We got a future crime report that says Stan's gonna kill me.

What are you talking about?

You know...

[gags, grunts]

[strains, chokes]

Perhaps if you took as much interest in your son

as you do in miming,

he wouldn't grow up to harbor a murderous rage towards you.

I don't know, maybe try going to one of his hobby horse games?

Eh, I'll watch one game, but just so you know,

it's still gonna make me wanna do this.

[hums]

[yells]

[slurps]

You look like you're in a good mood.

Hard not to be sitting next to a handsome, thick manbot.

Me? How many wines have you had?

And I thought you hated wine. Who are you?

I'm Off The Clock Wynona. Can I give you my number?

Of most Adam Sandler movies watched in a single night?

Mine's six.

[laughs] We should go out on a date.

To an Adam Sandler movie?

Last I checked, The Sandman was locked

in a nine-figure first-look deal at Netflix,

so we can watch at my place.

Call me.

[gutturally] You can do it!

[dinging]

[triumphant fanfare]

Don't let those Pembrooke girls intimidate you.

We are the ones who ride stick horses

through undemanding jumps and turns!

You got this, Stanbiscuit!

Don't think about the fact that you always come in last.

Or that your dad is here.

Holy horsifer! [gasps]

My dad's never been to any of my games.

Put it outta your mind, kid!

I'll give you something else to think about.

Here, it's inappropriate, but necessary.

[bones rattling] [murmuring]

[groans]

Hey Wyno.

Because you were drinking wine last night

when you gave me your number.

[groans] No idea what you're talking about.

Probably because I have the worst headache ever.

I got severed yesterday.

E-Excuse me?

Severed. It's this new procedure at Grimsburg Cybernetics.

They snip your brain so different versions of you

can live different parts of your life.

Totally new idea. Never been done.

What did you do that for?

Because my dating life was garbage.

You'd be surprised how many guys in Grimsburg

want you to put them in a diaper.

Or maybe you wouldn't.

If you're going through a hard time,

cut your bangs, not your brain!

Just find someone who loves you for you, flaws and alls.

No thanks. I just want to focus on my work.

Finding a guy is the other Wynona's problem now.

But I genuinely hope that happens for her.

I have a pretty good feeling it might.

See you later.

A-And by later, I mean tomorrow. At work.

Not tonight. At your apartment. Bye!

Forgot to ask everybody, what's

your favorite movie candy? Wynona, you go first.

[Garren, over P.A.] Next up,

Stan Flute riding Cinnamon Rainbow Starship.

[Sports Dad] Whoo!

[Stan pants]

Yes! Yes! Go! Go! Go!

[grunts]

[Sports Dad] Heck yeah!

Oh, yeah!

- [Stan grunts] - Yeah! Whoo!

[gasping breaths]

Hey, psst. That kid who came in seventh.

Is that good or embarrassing?

Stan usually comes in dead last,

but he just qualified us for the playoffs.

Playoffs? [sighs]

Sorry about that. I just got this weird heat in my chest

as you described my son's victory to me.

That's called "pride."

Pride? But I'm not gay.

Well, you made him, didn't you?

I did.

So, if I made him and he's good at sports,

then that means I'm good at sports!

Thanks, Sports Dad!

Did you see that?

You just got finger approval from your Dad!

Finger approval? [sighs]

Well, hey there, bot stuff.

I know it's not Sandler's best work,

but should we start withHubie Halloween?

It's not as seasonally dependent as you might think.

It appears your mere presence elevated Stan today.

So he made me proud, and I made him win.

Kind of a symbiotic relationship,

like those little birds who clean alligator teeth.

Dibs on alligator!

We would love to see you again.

The playoffs begin Monday at Pembrooke.

And then back here on the 9th against Pembrooke.

And the 12th for the semifinal against...

[mumbling indistinctly]

Nope, nope, nope.

Ah!

Pembrooke!

It is not a popular sport.

Dad, the team is going for ice cream.

Can I get some too?

You can, but you won't.

Far too much sugar if you want to win.

As your new conditioning coach and conditional father,

I'll now be tracking your food intake

on Google Sheets. Is that clear?

Aye, aye, Captain!

I wish more parents were like you,

willing to deprive their progeny

to give them light body dysmorphia

in support of the all powerful "W"!

Can we go get ice cream? Can we? Can we?

Oh, all right.

Yes, yes, yes--

But no toppings!

[squeals]

Time! Still too slow. Is this just horseplay to you?

No. [panting]

Well, it should be. Take a knee.

The most important thing I can teach you

is that it's not whether you win or lose,

it's how you play the game...

is what losing losers say!

Winning is the most important thing there is.

- More important than integrity. - [panting]

[Flute] Or democracy. Or clean drinking water.

You can drink up to four cups of Jacuzzi water and be fine.

But you can't drink a single cup of winning.

Doesn't exist.

Run it again.

I couldn't help but overhear your dad

emotionally waterboarding you.

If wins are what you're looking for,

you're gonna need this.

It's called Clippity Clop.

Rub a little on your stick and hold on tight.

Is this even legal?

Do you want your dad to slap you on the back

after you win a game or not?

Considering how many times

you've made yourself choke on jelly beans

just to know what that pat would feel like,

I'd say, yeah, take the weird horsey drug.

Staying up talking about Adam Sandler all night?

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

Me too! My whole life, AKA the thirty eight hours

I've spent in this limited space and time so far.

I'm gonna go make us breakfast.

[electronic ding]

Was that a toaster, because I can't--

[hums, screams]

Ah!

Sorry. You scared me.

You must be a friend of Off The Clock Wynona.

Uh, how many Wynonas are there?

A lot. She bought a whole severance package.

Basically, there's an outie

for anything Wynona doesn't want to do herself.

For cooking. Dating. Driving.

Saying hello to her elderly neighbor.

- How does that even work? - I don't know.

Outside of this room, I have no idea what happens.

Speaking of, are you and Off The Clock Wynona

handling each other's evidence?

Well, we did a lot of hand-holding last night,

if that's what you mean.

It's not, and that's a good thing.

Stay in here and keep me company?

I should probably get back to...

Oh.

Also, oh!

[Garren, over P.A.] Ladies and two gentlemen,

welcome to Month Madness,

where the top hobbyhorse teams in Grimsburg

- face off to find out... - Come on. Come on. You got this!

...who will be number one and who will be the other one!

Yes, yes! Yes!

[Garren, over P.A.] Stan Flute finishes fifth!

I made him with my body!

Whoo!

[Garren, over P.A.] Stan takes fourth!

My kid's better than yours.

Which means I'm better than you. Bye bye!

[roaring]

I worry he doesn't have the raw calf strength

for a canter flip, but--

Oop, gotta go.

- [tires squeal] - [roars, gunfire]

[laughs]

[Garren, over P.A.] Stan takes third!

Can't imagine what's next!

Second place. Should have seen that coming.

[upbeat romantic music playing]

[romantic music continues]

[cheers, applause]

[gasps]

Does he want me to...

Run to him, Stan!

Fulfill our Dirty Dancingfantasy!

- [gasps] - Engage your core!

[romantic upbeat music plays]

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

[grunts] Nobody told me you were this heavy.

Baby's going down. [groans]

[both laughing]

I got you something, Car Wynona.

[gasps]

Sorry! It's just I never thought I'd find anyone

who would love me despite all my red flags.

What red flags?

A lot of men would consider the fact

my entire existence is confined to a car a deal breaker.

[scoffs] Not me!

Cars are my favorite mode of transportation

and Pixar movie...

that's not about toys.

OrCoco.

[screams]

Hmm.

Uh, uh, I'll go take care of that dangerous puffy pervert.

And they're all special in their own way!

Oh, you should see Wynona Who Opens The Thin Produce Bags

At The Grocery Store.

She gets so frustrated. [laughs] It's adorable.

Again, I hate to be the source of infinite wisdom.

I really do want you guys to see me as a good hang,

but if you want the whole pizza, why settle for slices?

[frustrated grunt] Ugh, I am so unsevering!

My outies are ruining everything.

They always make me late,

and I'm pretty sure I'm a little drunk right now.

I thought I could have a bangin' dating life

and a great career, but...

[sighs] I guess I was wrong.

Aw, honey. A woman can't have it all.

Can you imagine what would happen

if I had height plus this rack?

You're right.

I'm gonna book the appointment first thing tomorrow,

and go back to being the only Wynona.

[whimpers]

Yeah! [grunts]

Uh, Stan? Bud? This seems like more than just looksmaxxing,

which has me worrymaxxing.

What if we play a board game?

Or maybe try wringing out the ol' skin washcloth again?

I'll be way more hands off this time.

I don't have time for folly!

No! My Clippity Clop's gone!

Without it, I'll lose everything.

My winning streak, my dad's love,

my burgeoning musculature! [gasps]

We have to get more! [grunts, pants]

Your dad's here. You okay?

I'm better than okay.

I'm a winner. And I always will be.

O-kay.

This is just a hobby, remember? It's right there in the name.

This isn't just a hobby horse. This is a way of life-y horse!

This seems like an ex-husband problem.

Uh, the problem with Pepper is her legs are too short.

Or her horse is too long.

Either way, I don't know what Pentos is thinking

putting her in the three spot.

Do you want me to talk to him? I can talk to him.

I'll talk to him.

Uh, I need to go use the bathroom for a while.

Don't come in there.

[gasps]

Sorry, it's just, you sounded just like me.

I'm fine. Go.

Two Stan Specials, on the house. Don't let the town down.

Wow. That is... almost there. Can I speak with your chef?

What's wrong? You're acting weird.

Off The Clock Wynona, I need to tell you something...

Your innie has decided

- to unsever herself. - [sobs]

Which means we'll never see each other again,

Elevator Wynona.

[shakily] I like to push the buttons.

I know you do. I know you do.

Let's enjoy the drive, Car Wynona,

because it'll probably be our last.

[tires screech]

[sobbing] I can't believe she's doing this to us!

I know. I don't want it to end either.

[car horn honks]

But what if it doesn't end?

What are you...?

Run away with me!

We'll live in the car. Eat at drive-thrus.

There's a car wash

with a great deal on wax and wedding packages.

And we'll need it too,

because we'll have to use the backseat as a bathroom.

But we'll be together.

You're right! We can't turn back now.

Because this is a one-way street.

I told you I don't have any more!

You want a hit off my inhaler?

Do I look like I have asthma? [panting]

This is anger-based panting.

Hey, I need to borrow your glasses to show the...

chef?

Stan, what's going on?

Dad, I have to tell you something.

I've been using Clippity Clop.

You're using per-horse-mance enhancing drugs?

I need it to win, Dad. And you said winning

is the most important thing there is.

So help me win. Find me more!

But after that you're done, right?

So done.

And you'll never use that stuff again?

Never again.

You swear?

I swear.

Unless I make All-Stars.

Well, you're gonna make All-Stars.

My hobby horse isn't running so well.

Got anything that might help his... clippity clop?

Flute? What-- What are you-- Uh-- Oh.

You're not gonna bench Stan, are you?

Oh, God, no.

We win and I get a box of chisel-tipped dry erase markers.

With caps.

But what do you get? Hmm?

When Stan takes it, he wins.

And when he wins, I get to feel like I did something right.

So he needs this.

Sometimes we need not what goes in the body,

but what goes in...

He injects it in his heart?

I can't watch that. I get woozy opening a Capri-Sun.

I'm talking about your dependence,

which is far more dangerous, for you are addicted to pride.

The pride you feel when your son doeth well.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. But you must also feel it when he doeth not well

or pride will be the deatheth of you!

Ooh, samples!

[Wynona] We should really start thinking

about school districts we want to park in.

With your brains and my driving,

I bet we could end up with a Lincoln Lawyer.

Hey, look! There's the cemetery

where you threw your birthday party.

Remember Kang passed out

and we buried him in a open grave as a joke?

Oh, and I got you that personal cremator.

You, you don't like that kinda stuff?

Death? [scoffs] No.

Car accidents are the leading cause

of fatalities for adults age 18 to 35.

My innie must have been a bad influence on you.

It's a good thing I'm taking over her life. Phew!

Yeah, I guess you will be taking over her life.

And that's great. I won't miss the OG Wynona at all.

You-- You've been driving for awhile.

Why don't we switch and you take a nap?

A nap? I've never slept before.

But people keep telling me it's good.

Finally! Did you get it? Where is it?

I got it, but I also got the best idea

for your opening combo.

What if you start with half-pass, canter zig-zag,

flying change into, get this, a leg yield.

- [growls] - [grunts]

Just give it to me, old man!

[Pentos]"Most Likely To Commit Patricide..."

[Flute] Hey, Stan got a superlative. Good for him.

[Martinez] You don't know what patricide means, do you?

[gulps]

You put it on.

Uh, but I don't wanna...

I can't risk having it on my hands.

Do it! Rub it in until it's dry.

[sobs]

[laughs]

Wait, what are we doing at the precinct?

I'm sorry, but I can't do this to your innie.

Sure, she can be aloof, forgetful, and yeah,

she's a little too into death.

But as someone who's legally dead,

I can honestly say I've never felt more alive

than when I'm around her.

But she doesn't even want you. I do!

I know. But if I stay with you, she won't exist.

And I'd rather be alone in a world she's in

than in love in a world she's not.

Buckle up, buttercup.

[grunts]

[yells]

[slurps]

[electronic ding]

Ugh, I'm so getting unsevered.

This is why no one is watching Apple TV-plus.

It all comes down to this

in a championship matchup nobody saw coming,

Pembrooke versus Grimsburg Middle.

[fireworks whistling]

[upbeat dance music playing]

♪ It's time to get up Time to move it ♪

♪ Move it ♪

♪ It's time to get up ♪

♪ It's time to rock it now ♪

Cinnamon Rainbow Starship? You okay?

♪ It's time to rock it now ♪

[slowed] No!

[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

No!

You might want to shut your eyes if you don't want fluff in 'em.

But how did you do it?

I saw you put the Clippity Clop on there.

Or did you?

I took a miming summer intensive at École Internationale de Mime.

Don't believe me? Catch.

[grunts] Huh? Why did you do it?

I wanted to prove that you didn't need that stuff.

But I clearly did!

I didn't win,

so now you're gonna stop coming to my games and stuff.

Any idiot can cheer on a champion.

But it takes a real parent to love a loser.

Let's go get some ice cream...

loser.

[Garren, over P.A.] And there it is!

Stan got the pat he's been waiting for,

and Flute got over himself long enough to give it.

And now with a new appreciation for each other,

Father and Son head home--

Hey, Garren. Seriously?

I know.

You're not the first person to grow tired of this voice.

That distinction goes to my wife who left me just last week.

[laughing] Talk about a Month Madness!

Hey, how'd the unsevering surgery go?

I'm never getting a Groupon for anything but paintball again.

Uh... So... back to the dating scene, huh?

Nah. I'm done dating.

I might just be too into death to find love.

Nah. You'll find someone. I know it.

You're sweet to say that.

Why are you staring at me?

Uh, pizza time!

[printer whirs]

Okay, Harm. Good news for me, bad for you.

I'm clear, but the Pre-Cogs have named Stan

"Most Likely to Commit Matricide."

Whoa, calm down. You just gotta get him a new bed.