Original subtitles

Ah man, they still got the laminated menus

and everything, man. This place is classic.

Ah, gosh. They still let people smoke here?

And thank God.

The smoke is the reason the veal chop's out of this world.

[polite applause]

Mm. Gorgeous. Wonderful.

Muah! Thank you, babe.

Vin Diamond. He's the best.

Been playing here for 40 years and hasn't lost a step,

on the keys or with the ladies.

Ya know, Hank. That could be you up there.

You play so beautifully.

Pfft. Yeah, I'm sure that uh, Hank wants to be a

sleazy piano guy of frickin' Lambergi's.

It's actually a very sexy, sophisticated job.

You could have every woman in here

eaten out of the palm of your hand.

Maybe give me a grandchild to brag about...

Uh, no offense, but you're talking about Hank, okay.

He doesn't exactly ooze sexy sophistication.

Mark gets touchy about music stuff because he

quit piano lessons after two weeks.

Lack's the discipline.

Uh yeah maybe that's because piano is a basic instrument.

Literally, everybody plays piano:

kids, elephants, multiple blind people. You know, maybe if it

was a little more challenging, I would have stuck with it.

You know, Rhoda, Mark actually wrote a

hit song about cupcakes that was very

popular with babies, look.

♪ Cupcake Man, I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

♪ Look at me, baby, I'm a cupcake... ♪♪♪

Mmm. Baby music. Yeah. How "challenging."

Alright, you know what?

I'm gettin' some air, okay. This piano s-- boring me

so much I'm fallin' asleep.

[muttering] I can't-- doesn't even-- never gonna understand.

don't wanna play stupid piano... - You alright, hun?

It's just my mom's always gotta bust my balls about everything.

Okay, just because I quit piano and guitar and bass and

I lost my saxophone doesn't mean I don't have talent, okay

Look Mark, you just need to find an instrument

that speaks to you and stick with it.

I dunno, I'm just afraid I'm never gonna to find

one that's impressive and interesting, but also

cool and complex and classic but still like, weird and unique.

Alright well, our food's gonna to be ready soon.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ] Huh...

Okay... yeah... Uh, I'll meet you there, Tam.

I uh... just need a minute...

♪ [organ] ♪

What the hell...

Now "that's" an instrument.

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪♪♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪♪♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪♪♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪♪♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪♪♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪♪♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪♪♪

Yo, this is a hell of an instrument, man.

It's like a piano on steroids.

Piano? Anybody can play the piano.

This is a calliope organ.

Only a special breed of musician can handle her.

You wanna take her for a spin?

Are you serious? Hell yeah.

Alright, let's see here.

It's been a while since I've played an instrument,

y' know, but... I'll give it a shot.

Man. I haven't seen fingers as stubby in years.

Those are calliope hands if I've ever seen 'em.

[ ♪♪♪ ♪ ♪ ]

Damn dude, this feels crazy natural!

Man, this is wild.

You've got an intuitive chemistry with those keys.

You're raw, but you've got the stuff.

If you want her, she's yours. - Wait. Seriously?

It's high time I found someone to carry on

this great musical tradition before it goes extinct.

Say no more. Let's keep that dream alive.

Marvelous. Now scoot over, let me show you a few tricks!

Hahahaha!

Oh, here we go...

Mark, what the hell--

Ah! How cool is this, Tam?

Guy at the boardwalk gave it to me cuz I'm apparently

like a uh, prodigy or somethin'.

You're definitely... somethin'...

Ah, finally found my instrument, Tam!

And let me tell ya, I could not have done it

without you believing in me.

Sure... yeah.

And now, allow me to thank you through the power

of song...

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ]

Are you kidding me, Mom? I have a test to study for.

I hear ya Dar, but... I think we should try to be supportive.

Ugh.

Well either way it's Mark, heh.

He'll be over it and on to somethin' else in a day.

♪ [circus] ♪

Ugh.

♪ [circus] ♪

Ugh.

Alright. I can't take it anymore.

I gotta put an end to this.

Wow, Mark. This one's a real banger.

All that practice is payin' off.

Henry! I got some exciting news...

Oh hello, mother, funny of you to show up, because it turns

out I have a little more musical talent than you might think.

Check it out...

Hey Mark, can I...? - Uh, Just one sec, Tam.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ]

Mark...

What in God's name is this monstrosity?

It sounds like a tea kettle having a stroke.

So anyway Henry, I talked to Joey Jr.

and got you an audition to be Vin Diamond's understudy!

Let's go get you fitted for a velvet jacket.

Welp, Tam.

You know anyone looking for the uh, stupidest,

least sophisticated instrument on the planet?

Oh, forget her.

If playing... this... makes you happy,

you keep playing.

I appreciate it Tam, but I know you can't stand it either.

Listen, hun. It's not that you aren't good.

It's...

even the best version of this instrument

does kinda sound like... clown music.

And... I have a major fear of clowns.

Ever since you brought this thing home, I've been

seeing them everywhere. - Yeah, well, don't worry.

I'm haulin' this thing back to the boardwalk.

Hey yo, I'm droppin' this thing off for Ferris. You seen him?

Ferris? He died 10 years ago.

No, that was Morris, the oversized "accordion" guy.

Ferris is alive. Well, maybe not for long.

Yo. Sup dude. Yeah, see you got the whole nose tube

situation going on, so apologies if this isn't the best time,

but uh, I'm giving up the organ. It's not for me.

But who will carry on my legacy?

I dunno man, I'm sure there's lots of other guys

who are good at legacies.

But you're a natural.

Your thumbs and your fingers are virtually indistinguishable.

Listen I hear ya bud, but it's driving my family nuts, okay.

My wife, she's literally hallucinating clowns.

Wait, what did you just say?

My wife, yeah, she's got a fear of clowns, and apparently she's

seeing them everywhere, so...

Mark, she's not hallucinating. You're pulling clowns.

You're... The one.

The one?

Behold, La Gloire du Bouffon, the legendary clown ballet.

Whoa... Clown ballet.

Calliope and clowns, fused in a high-art spectacle of movement

and musical precision-- so refined, it was performed

only by the greatest calliope maestros.

In all my life, I could never master it.

But you... you've got the stuff.

Huh... Sophisticated ballet,

sophisticated music, sophisticated son.

Yo, this is gonna blow my mom's mind.

Boom.

Ah yo, boys! Pack that thing back up!

I'm takin' Lady Calliope home where she belongs!

You gotta be kidding me.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ]

It's okay. Come on.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪♪♪ ]

Don't be scared...

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ]

I'm not an elephant, or whatever

the hell your people's enemies are.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪♪♪ ]

Sorry, uh, not trying to be weird, I just uh--

I seem to have been pulled here by

a magical force beyond my control?

Yeah well that's the uh, power of the calliope, dude.

It's like pheromones for clowns.

Oh yeah, that makes sense. I'm Boinky.

How you doin' man, I'm Mark.

So well listen, you uh, happen to be interested in

participating in my uh, fancy clown ballet?

Hmm. Well, it certainly beats making balloon animals for

nobody at a seven-year-old's birthday party.

D' ohmydod.

[ ♪ ♪ ♪ ] [ knock, knock] Open up!

Tammy!

To what do I owe such a...

Clowns! Clowns, David!

I got clowns crawling all over my house!

Oh I noticed. I'm guessing this

has something to do with Mark's new calliope organ.

Which is not annoying at all...

Yeah well, I'm trying to be supportive,

but I've got a terrible fear of clowns.

Ohh I know the feeling.

I've had many debilitating fears in my life.

Spiders, public speaking, private speaking,

teenagers in large groups, ebola--

So like, how'd you get over them?

Well, I got over my biggest fear by marrying it, but I got over

all the others using exposure therapy.

What's that?

You have to gradually expose yourself to the less

scary elements of clowns until you've built up a tolerance.

Okay, well I'll try anything.

Mark's been practicing his butt off for this clown ballet,

and I've gotta be there to support him.

Well then, we shall start at once!

Alright now... Go ahead, touch it.

♪ [tense] ♪

[gasp] - See?

What you perceive as "big scary clown hair" is really just a

normal everyday wig made from polyester fibers that are highly

flammable and illegal in the state of California. Uh, hm.

Uh, alright. Put it on.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Yeah... I guess.

Great. That's step one.

Only 77 more to go.

♪♪♪ [circus] ♪

No, no! Dangles--

It's a kazoo, not a harmonica.

Yo, Tinkletops okay, I don't need you being Eddie Van Halen,

Just hit the bike horn on the eight count.

What if I did this?

Whoo! Ugh!

Okay, Boinky. We're not doing Mr. Bean here, okay.

This isn't slapstick.

This is a critique of French colonialism.

It's a sophisticated combo of laughing and crying.

Indeed. Clowning is hollow

if it does not spring from a place of deep emotion.

Without emotion, clowning is merely noise.

Lift ze chest, soften ze knees, angle ze chin. Now watch...

Yooo now we're talking, yo.

This is a legit clown right here.

Bonjour, Monsieur Maestro.

I am Plonque Honque, formerly trained at

ze Marseilles School of Nouveau Bouffonique Movement.

I come beckoned by ze majestic call of your calliope.

Aw hell yeah, dude.

Alright, everybody. Listen up.

Slight choreography tweak.

Everything's now gonna run through Plonque, okay.

Just follow his lead and do exactly what

he does at all times. Alright, let's run it again.

♪ [circus] ♪

Honk it. - Argh!

♪ [circus] ♪

Go Tammy!

Wow, okay.

♪ [cabaret] ♪

Beautiful, Henry. He's single, ladies.

Uh... hello...

Alright, kickass final rehearsal, guys.

Plonque, we're gonna to frickin' kill this clown ballet.

It is my great pleasure to follow your music,

Monsieur Maestro. - Ah I appreciate it, dude.

Thanks for whipping these other clowns into shape.

I mean, this is gonna be undeniably sophisticated.

Alright bozos, let's call it.

Uh, get some sleep. Tomorrow's the big day.

Yo, there he is.

The uh, Billy Joel of Lambergis. How'd the audition go?

It was okay I guess, uh. Got the job, but like y'know,

Mom's making me wear these sexy clothes, and ...

I feel like a hot dog surrounded by wolves.

So what are you doing?

Oh you know, we're just doing a super complicated clown ballet.

No big deal.

Ooh, that sounds fun. Can I join?

Euhh, sorry bud but uh, only got four clown spots,

and yeah, y'know, we're a pretty cohesive unit.

But it just so happens, I reserved a couple

of seats for you, front and center.

Oh wow. Thanks Mark.

No problem dude okay, I just need one little favor.

You gotta make sure that Mom shows up.

'Kay, I wanna see her face as she realizes that her son

is the frickin' Mozart-- of clowns.

You got it.

Hey, hun. So good news,

I think David cured my fear of clowns.

Wait seriously? That's awesome.

So you can come to my show?!

Sorry, I forgot my show shoes.

David! David! Open up!

It didn't work.

I'm still afraid of clowns. Oh, I'm freaking out.

Mark's show is tomorrow.

Hmm. Looks like we're going to have to skip to step 78.

[doorbell]

Tammy meet Phil. Phil, meet Tammy.

Hey there... Phil.

So nice to meet you, Tammy. Please come in.

Go ahead. It's okay.

Have a seat. Coffee?

Uh, sure, I'll have coffee.

So Phil, I see you have Eagles things on your wall.

Tammy's quite the fan of the Birds herself.

Oh, yeah?

I've been a season ticket holder since the Ray Rhodes era.

Oh, nice! We're in Section 208.

No way! We're in 230.

Small world, huh?

Haha, yeah!

Nice guy, right?

Yeah. I like him.

So, are we gonna start the exposure therapy, or...?

We already have. You see, Phil... is a clown.

- What? - Guilty as charged.

But I'm also an Eagles fan who likes a good dark roast.

Under the costume, clowns are just regular people.

Yeah, I guess so.

It's a shame how the "scary clown" stereotype

turned something joyful into something shameful.

Not gonna lie, it hurts.

Oh, Phil, I am so sorry.

Hey, you come in here and doing the work?

That's more than most people.

Oh...

Don't look now, Tammy, but you're hugging a clown.

I'm hugging a clown!

Oh, my God! David?

David, are you ok--

Oh... oh, my head...

What happened...? Where are we...?

[hysterical laughter]

Welcome to ze funniest show in Glantontown.

I am your host... Plonque Honque!

Oh, no!

Why the hell did you bring me to this maniac's house?!

He's a clown in Mark's show!

He was in the driveway and seemed nice.

"Phil," come on. You don't have to do this.

What happened to all that big talk about not

stereotyping clowns as psychos?!

Ah. Yeah. It's vile and deeply offensive.

Which is why I have to kill you.

[Me, me, me, me, me, me, me]

Ugh, c'mon man, where the hell is Plonque?

[phone] Bonjour?

Plonque! Dude. Where the hell are you?

- My sincerest regrets...

I'm afraid something...mmm... unexpected has come up.

I won't be joining tonight's performance.

What?! Dude, are you kidding--

[dial tone] Oh, crap.

Henry! Good news!

Joey Jr. just called. Vin Diamond's in the ICU

with that new antibiotic resistant gonorrhea.

God help him. But that means you're in.

My little Henry's making this big Lambergi's debut tonight.

But uh... w-what about Mark's show?

Forget his dumb show. It's Ladies' Night.

Half-off scallops and bottomless chianti.

There ain't gonna be a dry seat in the house.

Okay, uh, I should probably go tell Mark then.

Fine, but hurry up. Happy hour starts at five.

I gotta go grab a seat at the bar.

Alright, everybody! Listen up, okay.

Got a little problem. Uh... Plonque is out.

[gasps]

Boinky, you're running point.

But don't we need four clowns? Who's filling in for me?

Uh, hey Mark.

Omigod omigod omigod, we're gonna get stabbed to death!

That's one of my aforementioned fears!

Hey, whoa whoa. get a grip.

How can I be calm when we're about to get killed by a clown?

Because look at you!

I'm so scared you're useless right now.

And for what?

The worst thing already happened.

There's nothing left to be afraid of.

Whoa. I think... I'm cured?

Let me handle this.

Ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhh!

Clown wigs are flammable!

It's melting my skull! Ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhh!

Hahahaha! Okay!

Alright, now I see how clowns are funny.

Hahahaha! You like that?

That's what you get! That's what you get, Phil!

Hahahahah!

He's gonna to be here any minute.

Just can be a little slow getting his tie on...

[bell]

Dear God.

Uh, hey, Mom. Uh, can we talk?

What is this ridiculous outfit?

I'm gonna to be a clown in Mark's show.

Why on earth would you want to be in your brother's idiotic

clown show when you could be on stage in that sexy jacket

baking every clam in the house?

I don't like it when everybody stares at me like I'm a

candy or something.

Ah. you're breaking my heart, Henry.

You know how excited I was to see you perform.

Well, you still can.

Oh man...

- Hey, Mark!

Ohoho! You made it!

Please, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

You're gonna crush it.

Yeah, not so sure about that, Tam, uh.

You know that French clown who I thought was awesome?

Turns out he kind of sucks.

Ahaha... Yeah... funny story about that.

But... I'll tell you later. Tonight's your night.

Oh man. Mom actually showed.

Oh, this is gonna be a frickin' disaster.

Hey, screw her.

You don't need to prove anything to her.

You poured your heart and soul into this

and it's going to be amazing.

Do it for you.

Oho man...

Yeah, you know what? You're right.

Alright, yo, clowns! Huddle up.

Oof!/Ow!

So here's the deal.

This whole time I've been worried about us looking like

unsophisticated morons, but it turns out that's

the whole frickin' point!

These people didn't pay to see some fancy French ballet!

They paid to see a bunch of clowns bonking into each

other like idiots,

so go out there and screw this whole thing up.

Honk on three. One, two, three...

- Honk!

♪ [clown] ♪

Oh God...

Why'd I smoke when I was pregnant..

[crowd laughter]

Huh? You guys... You guys like this?

[crowd laughter]

Ow! Oh God! I think I broke my collar bone.

Oh no...

[slide whistle]

[crowd applause]

Yeah! Woo!!! I know them!

I was so wrong about you. You were phenomenal!

Oh thanks, Mother.

But the truth is, I don't need your validation anymore.

My little Henry stole the show!

Wait, what?

You-- You're not even gonna acknowledge the fact that

I don't care about your opinion anymore?

Ugh, you gotta be frickin' kidding me.

Forget being a handsome piano man.

You're my cute little slide whistle boy!

C'mon. Let's get a picture so I can brag about

you on social media. [click]

Boom! He's on fire.

What happened to the calliope?

Eh, sold it to some guy online.

Passing the torch to the next great maestro?

Nah just uh, some guy who's needed wood or somethin'.

I think he's making like a quirky gazebo.

I don't know. Bang! Swish.

You know, I don't get it.

You found your calling, became the greatest

living calliope player, and now you're doing... this?

Tam, when you've made it to the top of Mount Everest, you don't

want to hang out there, okay.

You wanna get back down so you can tell people about it.

You know, some people just like being good at climbing

mountains, Mark.

Sure, but how many of them also set the

New Jersey Pop-A-Shot record?

Yo Mom. Check it out.

Boom, Steph Curry. Steph Curry. -Uh, David?

- I'm Steph Curry.