Original subtitles

We don't have any.

That's not good for business.

I sensed what he wanted.

So customers don't need to order because of your intuition?

Listen,

the waiter of the future will activate his neurons,

to dock onto the customer's brain.

He will feel what the other wants.

It's about brain waves tapping into the other's feelings.

Shamans have known this for ages.

More scientific proof can be seen everyday.

I see.

A hit of this,

and my vibes can connect with yours...

if you open yourself up.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

Senor, a gringo is asking for you. He gave me 20 pesos.

Tell me, Stevie...

have you ever had...

an out-of-body experience?

Like an astral projection?

I had an Opel Astra once.

Briefly.

You should let your hair grow.

Streaking it once a month is trouble enough.

Are you driving just to finish?

You messing with me?

The gas pedal is on the right!

Why do Polacks put windshield wipers on the inside?

Don't know?

They drive like this!

You don't think it's funny?

Then your turn.

If I don't laugh, you're dead.

Hey Johann...

Remember when E.T. And that little boy made contact?

E.T. Drank a beer and the boy burped.

Yeah, but that wasn't real!

But it works in real life too.

Didi told me he always simultaneously hallucinates...

when his boyfriend takes acid and fucks him in the ass.

But that's some pretty hardcore contact.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Your theory should work over the phone too.

Sure, that's why mobile dating is so popular.

It's no coincidence.

It's funny because she hands him her compact mirror...

instead of her driver's license.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

Give me your phone!

Come on! You won't need it in Poland.

Roaming is expensive there.

Poland?

Mao here!

I need you, it's urgent.

What's wrong? I can't hear you.

Bad connection.

Where are you?

Turn left there!

What's so funny about her handing the cop...

a compact mirror?

The cop asks for her driver's license.

But she pulls out her mirror by mistake.

He says: "I didn't know you were a cop too."

He’s the real idiot, not her. Get it?

Did you make that up?

Don't fuck with me!

George! What’s the rush?

A blonde gets pulled over by a cop.

He asks her for her registration papers...

Driver's license! - Shut up!

Registration papers won't work.

Because it's not funny!

I know it.

Well? - It's very funny.

Really? - Of course.

Who cares anyway?

Well?

Well what?

That's why you're here?

I was going to waste him if the joke wasn't funny.

And who was supposed to get wasted?

Loibnegger. Gerhard Loibnegger.

I got mixed up in this by chance...

Shut up, before I change my mind!

Bad intuition!

Hans Wurst and Max Durst.

The hot dog barons at your service!

Hi, Astrid. How are you?

Sissi?

Over the long weekend?

Well...

Fine.

Bye.

Great!

Maybe she can help us straighten up and stuff.

Where's all the bologna-loaf?

Which kind? Pizza-flavored, horsemeat,

with cheese, or normal?

Are you trying to insult my car?

I don't know the way out.

Turn there... You, drop the gun.

Why Poland? Might be too hot for me.

Picking up a bag.

Sounds easy enough. It's been done before.

I'm in kind of a predicament.

Shoot!

I'm going to puke!

Don't move! - Let him go!

Where did he come from?

This Poland business is urgent...

My license was revoked last week.

So I got a driver.

How did you manage that?

With this!

You found someone on the street,

stuck a gun to his face and said:

We're going to Poland?

What was I supposed to do?

Does he have a passport? - I don't know.

Well, ask him.

Aw, shit!

Don't!

Or it's about kidnapping,

possession of an illegal weapon and attempted murder.

And you still won't have a driver.

Who says I don't have a driver?

Forget it!

Come on, Mao!

I have urgent business at home.

Besides, you owe me!

Inspection time!

Ah, the boss!

Resorting to child labor, are we?

Just over the long weekend until her mom gets back.

Sissi, make the boss a sandwich with pickles.

Forget it!

We've got raspberry soda.

Forget it.

We're out of bologna-loaf. The minion ate it all...

when the boss wasn't looking.

He never answers the phone!

I'm not a babysitter.

And stop tattling on each other!

I hate that.

No customers? We close. It's simple.

Excuse me! I'm working my ass off.

Thursday we're having an open-air dance party.

With rose petal punch for the ladies!

And Saturday is theme night.

With special cocktails!

Like "Whiskey Cola Massacre" for under 18-year-olds.

We've got big plans!

Yeah, I can see that.

No more hot dogs?

They keep splitting open.

You can't even boil a hot dog?

Where's the price list?

It's like...

those little Italian fish restaurants,

where the owner charges according to whim?

Those places are always packed.

People like the personal touch, the unpredictability.

I wouldn't think you'd go for such nonsense.

What nonsense?

It's a joint concept. That's low of you...

to play us against each other.

We're trying to make a living here.

Yeah, and we're not leaving.

Yeah, great.

But I need your expertise elsewhere.

A pick-up in Poland.

Polish sausage?

Not a bad idea.

Hey,

no way I'm going.

Get out at the Lodz train station.

I wrote it all down.

Find "Blaue Krone" Hotel.

It's really called that?

Apparently the Poles like German names.

The owner is a friend of a friend.

Ask nicely, and he'll give you a bag.

He knows you're coming.

That's all anyone needs to know.

Let's get started.

No questions or unnecessary answers.

We're pros. - Bring me the bag in 2 days.

I'll double your wages for6 months.

Wages?

Turn your cell phones off.

We don't need anyone tracking you.

Anything else? Can we talk to each other?

Or do we self-destruct...

to please Madam Mission Impossible?

Listen, Max.

Getting caught means jail time.

Remind me to tell you about Polish prison protocol.

Stay alert.

There are rotten pigs out there.

Here's your travel money.

Go!

Don't spend it all in the dining car.

Buy tickets from the conductor!

Take good care of the stand!

Let's try to get along for the next few days, OK?

"Let’s try to get along for the next few days."

This is going to be fun.

“This is going to be fun."

That's enough, OK!

"That's enough, OK!"

How old are you?

"How old are you?"

None of your fucking business. - "None of your fucking business."

You sleep in the basement.

“You sleep in the basement."

You sleep in the basement! - "You sleep in the basement!"

Do you think you're smart? - "Do you think you're smart?"

Shut up! - "Shut up!"

Oh please!

This is mega inconvenient.

Georgie Boy, crossed the border yet?

Almost Harry, almost.

But the traffic is insane.

Listen!

It's crazy, but everything's under control.

You'll have the bag in two days.

Hold on, the doorbell.

Georgie, I called you on your landline.

Landline. Know what that means?

You think about calling rates?

I'm economical, too.

No. It means...

you're not in Poland.

You're lounging at home.

That's one way to see it.

How should I see it?

So I could watch the race, I sent a girl.

Sent her ahead, I mean.

I love Le Mans.

It's only once a year.

That porn bimbo?

Yes and no.

Which?

A little more yes than no.

Maybe she's watching the race.

Maybe you could shut up!

Maybe you could be more original?

Asshole.

Mao, open up!

Feet off the table.

"Feet off the table."

Tell us what the plan is!

Do you have cable TV?

Open up! See this?

There are 2 gangsters with guns out there.

Turn it down,

or you're going with them.

“There are 2 gangsters with guns out there."

“Turn it down...”

For real?

Look! See these?

These aren't toys!

For fucking real!

How long are you gonna jerk us around?

We give you an international job,

and you stay home to do laundry!

Everything is fine.

I've got two of my best people on the job.

Those Styrians?

Are you out of your mind!

TO POLAND, PLEASE

Maybe this isn't a good spot.

No.

It's a lack of solidarity.

It has spread even to the highways.

We could try a feeder road.

Statistically, our chances would be better.

ON VACATION

Maybe they're really on vacation.

Poland is beautiful this time of year.

That's news to me.

What a bummer!

Did your statistics include cars...

that failed to perceive us as hitchhikers?

I don't think so.

We wasted time and didn't save a cent.

A penny saved is a penny burned.

I hope we get Korean synchronized swimmers.

Really?

Aren't you more the retired Bulgarian spearthrowers type?

Or beach volleyball babes from Carinthia.

That would be hot.

Sleep well.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Max...

What did Mao mean by pigs?

Metaphorically or for real?

I doubt they really throw pigs in prison in Poland.

Naughty pigs probably go to a special pig prison.

Actually, all pigs are locked up.

Here you go.

This outfit isn't me.

Can we get something else?

Shall I style your hair?

A cooler cap would help.

Even a baseball cap, turned backwards.

But that's only for blow jobs!

Really? Do the border guards know that?

Sure!

Be cool at the border.

Or you’ll get the full treatment.

These glasses are ugly!

I look like a professor in detox.

What does he want?

I knew it!

He wants you to blow him.

I can't do that!

I know.

What did he say?

He said he'll get you next time.

On our way back.

How did that happen?

My cap isn't on backwards!

Then it must be you.

But that's OK.

It's pretty far to the hotel.

Good thing Mao gave us taxi money.

I'm riding the tram for free.

A penny saved!

Hope this works better than your hitchhiking plan!

First, we need to find a good deli in Lodz.

Woodge. - What did you say?

"Woodge" is how Poles pronounce Lodz.

Whatever.

Check it out!

Dry kielbasa with real intestine skins.

They're used in borscht. - Borscht?

A Russian soup with Polish sausage.

Listen, Jo...

We've got a hot dog stand not a gourmet bistro.

Maybe it's a niche market.

Sautéed Polish sausage and onions...

with Dijon mustard dressing for 8.50.

Pretty expensive.

We'll charge according to whim.

One Silesian garlic sausage...

Some Warsaw poultry sausage...

If we get 20 kg of this, we have it made.

Good thing we're getting a new bag soon.

Hope it's big,

so we can toss the contents...

and pack our sausages.

Maybe she doesn't speak English. You know the Poles.

Does she look Polish?

She's a Filipina and speaks English. Watch.

You asked the same thing.

What was that supposed to mean?

I asked if two jokers came by and picked up the bag.

What did she say?

Weren't you listening?

No, what did she say?

They were here 3 hours ago, got the bag,

took a piss, and are now on the train back home.

Fuck with someone else, not with me!

She didn't even open her mouth.

Come now, Georgie. It was a joke.

Why aren't we taking it?

Why get our hands dirty?

We have those 2 jokers to do it for us.

Then why are we here?

To spy on them?

We wait for the 2 jokers to show up,

follow them to the train,

drive home, then meet them at the station.

Doesn't make much sense.

Besides, Le Mans starts at five.

How about letting me speak too?

Get over here!

Styrians.

Tickets please!

I don't understand him.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Your tickets please.

That boy’s talking weird.

What does that mean: "weird"?

Did you escape from the circus?

Like gibberish.

Don't treat me like a fool!

And don't get the tram dirty!

Want to talk about it?

What's wrong?

You never know. A cop is a cop is a cop.

My little philosopher.

How much did you pay?

5 for fare dodging, zero for the ride.

Did you tip him?

10 percent, international standard.

Hello, my one and only.

A thousand kisses. My Vienna sausage throbs for you.

What was that?

Just making sure she doesn't speak German.

I'll handle this.

What's "auftrag" in English?

"Command?” Are you nuts?

We're not in a Chuck Norris movie!

Excuse me for not having a dictionary.

We're not rescuing GIs from a jungle prison!

What’s that got to do with your lousy English?

No need to get obnoxious...

just because I can't think of one word.

Are you completely crazy?

I saw the way you looked at me.

Mr. Hypersensitive misinterpreted something.

We have a train to catch, idiot!

Forget Mao!

We can make our own decisions!

Hope there's a fridge,

or all my sausages will go bad.

A jacuzzi wouldn't be bad either. To relax in before the disco.

I'm tired from all this traveling.

How nice!

I like plain and simple.

You think they have a hotel safe?

Maybe it's valuable. - Take a look!

It won't open.

Whatever.

Should we grab a bite to eat?

No need.

Sissi made us sandwiches.

Throw me one!

Tell me...

What do they look like anyway?

I've only heard about them.

No idea.

But they'll have a bag, right?

They still have to get here first.

Look, a '68 Mustang.

Yeah, I saw it.

Want some E?

No. I'll have fun watching what happens to you.

Don't forget:

When he took the pill specific,

it made him most prolific...

Holy Mother!

I'm totally tripping!

You're tripping?

You can't help laughing either?

Johnny Boy, do you see what I see?

What?

Look closely!

You see it too, right?

Totally wild man!

Wicked pigtails with those ears!

I'm have an irresistible urge to bow!

It's coming!

The psycho crap is coming!

The psycho crap is coming!

She can't be real!

The whole world must be crazy about her!

Get us two mai-tais.

They're still not here.

I told you they weren't too bright.

That is so bad for your health.

I've been driving for 18 hours. I'm sleepy.

Le Mans is 24 hours.

Shit, I don't even know who's leading.

But snorting speed won't help!

You have to take care of your body.

Go on,

take a nap.

Really? - Yes.

I'll keep watch.

You sleep. No problem.

Thanks.

There's no way I can sleep after that.

OK, well...

I'll sleep first, then you.

Fine.

You're a real good friend.

It feels like I've been in this kennel for ages!

Are you nuts? My flirting is going great.

Forget it!

We're here on a mission, and I feel sick.

She’s too hot for you.

She'd just make you unhappy.

Are we going uphill or downhill?

Down the rabbit hole!

Hope the Dormouse is at home!

This is Mao.

It's Astrid!

I heard Sissi is with you.

I wanted to thank you.

I'm glad she's with you instead of with those two.

They can be excessive and weird,

and Sissi is so headstrong herself.

But you know how kids are.

Which is why I don't have any.

But seriously...

Have you considered disciplinary measures?

Stuff like...

"that's a no-no" or...

"say thank you."

I'm not raising a dumb conformist.

Of course not!

I don't believe it!

What is it?

Oh nothing.

DREAM BARS

BORED! ALLYOU DO IS SLEEP! GOING FORAWALK!

TURN PAGE!

Thanks. Whose cookie is this?

My new friend's.

Blond, blue eyes, butterfly dress? - "Blond, blue eyes, butterfly dress?"

Blond, blue eyes, butterfly dress? - "Blond, blue eyes, butterfly dress?"

Blond, blue eyes, butterfly dress?

What the hell!

Maybe we just grew.

The bags stayed the same.

Don't speak.

Because verbalizing...

what you think you see...

will make it real.

This isn't real?

Doesn't happen too often.

Maybe we're still sleeping.

No, I need a shower.

When is our train? - It's high time.

Wow, this is terrific!

Le Mans is really small this year!

The lady is completely nuts.

Yeah, it was a '68 Mustang.

Two chumps with the bag!

They were inside? Were you sleeping?

No, I swear.

Crystal keeps me alert! - Really?

What else did you bring?

I'm not sure.

I'd have to check the trunk.

Some grass,

Moroccan oil,

poppers, uppers, downers,

LSD,

some great MDMA,

speed, coke, E,

Mitsubishis and some Elmers.

Elmers?

Epoxy, glue.

Inhalants!

Yeah, as a treat for kids.

Shouldn't we follow them?

Hey, Otto...

Yeah?

Do you feel out of step?

No, but everyone else...

is acting weird.

I really need to come down.

That was some wicked shit.

Here.

No thanks.

Contact high is enough.

Did you say anything in the past half hour?

Me? Nothing.

I think it was an announcement.

Which platform?

I didn't hear the announcement.

Let's just follow the crowd.

Now we're all going in the same direction.

Which direction?

The Vienna train leaves from platform 5.

What does that tell us?

They're on their way to Drogomysl!

Yes, but mainly that...

we can't trust these men.

They're tricking us. I won't stand for that.

We should have taken the stupid bag and gone home!

I could be watching Le Mans now.

But Mr. Cool didn't want that!

Who wanted to fix things alone?

Everything could have been cool!

Nothing is cool, but it should be!

Everything would be cool if you hadn't interfered.

Or if you had done a cool job from the start!

I'm going to Drogomysl for the bag.

You follow! Don't loose us!

Are we cool again?

Is everything alright?

It feels like we're moving backwards again.

You're facing the wrong direction.

This is too heavy.

Can you ask him to trade places with me?

Sure.

What did you tell him?

That the wind is messing with your brain.

That's right.

I have to focus on my inner self...

and harmonize with my surroundings.

I can't talk right now.

Tell him.

Sure thing.

Stupid fucking Polack tractor!

Where the hell does he think he's going?

I'm so incredibly bored.

Hurry, I don't have all day.

Did I understand you?

Did you call my Mustang a "shitty Ford"?

357 zloty!

Zloty! You idiot!

Stick your zlotys up your ass!

Along with your chicken!

And your mommy!

You shithead moron!

Moron!

This is crazy!

You can't trust anyone these days.

Have you seen the dog?

The dog?

Our dog.

Our dog?

You think we have a dog?

Bag. Not dog.

I meant bag. Where is it?

Don't worry!

That was a close call!

Was the bag always so yellow?

Relatively yellow...

but not this yellow.

Quick!

Disguise yourself!

The Polacks will recognize you!

But they don't know me.

To find you, they look for your Mustang.

I'm in disguise!

So they'll chase a different Mustang.

Then why is he chasing us?

Because of the damn chick.

Chick? - Chicken.

Fryer.

Like fried chicken, broiled chicken!

Chicken?

Chicken.

Look at all the eyeliner!

I told you the bag was too yellow!

Thank God, my sausage bag!

I knew I recognized that dress.

Things aren't going as planned.

We should call Mao.

She was that babe with the pigtails!

From the club. You said she'd make me unhappy.

Shit! What's "zöpf" in English?

I couldn't care less.

If the yellow bag is this yellow...

and belongs to Miss Dog-Ear Hairdo,

then our bag is gone and we blew our "command".

Understand?

Don't be such a drama queen, Joe!

Just ask yourself what Chuck Norris would do.

He'd call Mao.

Slow down, Johann.

Where are you? And how did you get there?

“Where are you? And how did you get there?"

We waltzed into Lodz,

and suddenly we were out of step.

Are you in dance class?

No, Drogomysl.

Max has drugs on him? - I can't go into detail now,

but after the disco everything went wrong.

We're lucky to have the sausage bag...

and the pigtail-girl's yellow one.

Pigtails? Disco?

Put Max on!

What are you doing in Drogo-whatever?

Just chilling.

How about you? How's it going?

Max, Johann said the bag is gone.

Limited view! - Limited?

It doesn't get more limited!

So? - She says: Keep up the good work.

Can't you two even phone?

What?

Hurry, or I can't help.

Who is this?

Do I know you?

What's in there?

Guess we should look.

We could sneak a little coke!

Or some pills.

This running around is quite tiring.

Restraint, Georgie.

What?

Please.

What’s this?

You little rat!

Who?

That...

That Paki! He stole our bag!

Turn around!

Now's not a good time.

Turn around now! The Paki stole our bag!

Turn around! You took off too fast.

I ditched him!

There’s the Paki!

Let's get him!

Put the gun away!

Why should I?

In this country...

cops are real pigs.

My Friends! I just snap my fingers and they come.

No, please. Please!

Please don't.

The Fiat is parked over there. I even filled the tank.

Please, please!

Please don't!

No, that's my... Harry!

That's my car!

Double-clutch in first!

Please, please, please don't. No!

Why on earth?

Faster!

And take the little Paki.

Forget the Mustang! Let's just cruise home.

You can't cruise in this sardine can!

That Polack won't keep my car!

Must you always pick a fight?

What would you do if someone insulted your car?

I don't even have a license. - Neither do I.

You don't have a driver's license?

It got revoked last week.

You drive thousands of miles...

without a license? Stop!

I didn't want to stress you out.

Yeah, Blosmanova.

It's your fault I'm missing Le Mans.

Shut up. They don't race cars in Prague.

Georgie, you're not at peace. Your vibes...

They're confused.

You're not in harmony. That's why we're losing it.

Could be.

Why did we bring Mr. Pac Man?

Mr. Paki tried to rob us.

He's going to tell us why.

Get the bag!

Watch out!

I bet he's got some smack!

He better tell us how to open it...

or I'll clobber him.

You're much too nervous.

I'm sure this sweet Paki will open up.

Let's pull over...

and ask him a few questions.

A chicken!

I'm so beat, I have to rest.

Of course, Georgie.

Search him!

Don't get smart, Mussulman!

He does have smack on him.

Good stuff!

Show me your teeth!

Show me your teeth!

I have a craving for apple compote.

It’s the cinnamon, Georgie.

You've got to get into contact.

Now.

No!

It's not the end of the world.

Determine your life and art.

And the game goes on,

as we know.

Still so many happy reunions.

Someone coming over?

People always come if you cook the right thing.

Maybe they're all Persians.

Or Iraqis? They look like that.

Aren't all Iranians and Iraqis also Persians?

I've got the feeling you stopped speaking English.

You understood everything the whole time?

Of course.

I'll be a monkey's uncle.

I'll be a monkey's uncle too.

Isn't Poland a great vacation resort?

We picked a winner.

Are you still in contact with Johann?

Only vaguely.

Somehow I sense...

he's falling in love.

I hear weird birds.

They sound sick.

Maybe they caught a cold in the Persian draft.

Maybe they've been with us since the disco,

and we just didn't notice them before.

That is so beautiful.

Look out!

Come close to me, my little Schorsch!

What?

I meant our new Asian Friend, his name is Schorsch.

Really?

That's ned!

I once meet an Asian, which is also called Schorsch!

- My two best friends Hot Schorsch.

You!

Maybe you in India too a deity called Schorsch?

Ha?

Like the Shiva, from which the Skunk comes from?

Ha?

I do not care, as long as you no bomb umg'schnallt have.

You are my Haberer!

- Schorschi!

Harry, I want to go home. I can never.

Excuse me, I have to go now.

Otherwise I will miss my train again.

Was really nice with you.

Excellent!

I stop the ned in the scenery!

Each one quickly lays an egg, and then death comes.

Say it!

Because death comes here.

Ned with me, ned with me!

Ned with me, y'know Hendln!

Ah!

We can stay pen pals.

Hello! Hello!

Do you hear me? Hello!

I send you my vote. OK?

She comes through to you and it stays with you.

I have to continue!

Can you come with me please? The pigs want to do something to us.

Sure, i come!

I'll do the pigs, you the bag. - Okay.

It's enough for everyone.

I'm so sorry.

Everywhere the death here.

And all the panicky chicken karmas, they're sticking to him now.

Did he understand?

I do not know.

He has to become strong now.

Otherwise the wind of fate blows through his hair.

And he only believes that his hairstyle is destroyed.

A madness wave was that!

I think that was a brain tsunami.

Children pure, when the swordfish fall.

I've got it, how the atoms start playing.

Hot!

It's raining strawberry kisses, Max!

Quick, catch!

"I love you" is only allowed after say four to five months', right?

Yes, but I want you already say it all the time.

I know. I heard it before, how you held my head.

Almost g'schrien have it.

I'm back! - Were you away?

Catch!

You never told me your name! - Johann!

Gretchen.

Gretchen!

I have a sausage stall at a beautiful Pond, and I do not have a waitress.

Why are you crying?

Because it's sad maybe?

But now I have enough from the whole contact.

Let me, too!

Hey, watch out!

Because there are questions, which you can never answer.

What is actually in the bag now?

An invention with which you can see the world save or destroy?

Antimatter for example.

Antimatter can not be transported ned.

I do not care, I'm looking in now.

♪ Do not bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Do not bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Roll another one.

♪ Just like the other one.

♪ You've been hanging on to it.

♪ And I sure would like a hit.

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

Schau, die Libellen!

- Schau, der Max!

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Roll another one.

♪ Just like the other one.

♪ This one's burnt to the end.

♪ Come on and be a real friend.

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.

♪ Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

♪ Pass it over to me.