Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US.

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.

FRENCH STUDENTS TOOK TO THE

STREETS TO PROTEST EDUCATION

CUTS, THERE WAS A DISAPPOINTING

U.S. JOBS REPORT, AND FORMER

PITTSBURGH STEELERS HEAD COACH

MIKE TOMLIN RELEASED AN

INCREDIBLE 19-MINUTE YOUTUBE

VIDEO, SHOWING OFF THE MINECRAFT

CITY HE SPENT OVER A DECADE

BUILDING.

>> I STARTED SMALL AND OVER THE

COURSE OF 12 YEARS, MAN, YOU

DEVELOP NEIGHBORHOODS AND

COMMUNITIES AND SO FORTH.

WE'LL START AT THE FRONT OF THIS

VERY FIRST BUILDING THAT I BUILT

HERE IN TOWN.

AND IT WAS A BOUTIQUE HOTEL KIND

OF ON A BAY.

HERE'S AN EXECUTIVE SPA OFF TO

THE LEFT OF THE LOBBY, UM, WITH

THERAPY ROOMS AND SO FORTH,

FIRST AND SECOND FLOOR.

AND SO I JUST KIND OF WANTED TO

HAVE A LITTLE SPA AREA AT THE

BOUTIQUE HOTEL.

>> John: IT'S INCREDIBLE!

IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE.

IT'S WILD TO ME THAT MIKE TOMLIN

WAS ONCE THE YOUNGEST HEAD COACH

TO EVER WIN THE SUPER BOWL, BUT

THAT'S NO LONGER HIS GREATEST

ACCOMPLISHMENT.

BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW, THAT

WOULD BE HIS EXECUTIVE SPA AREA

IN HIS MINECRAFT BOUTIQUE HOTEL.

TOMLIN APPARENTLY STARTED

PLAYING MINECRAFT TO SPEND TIME

WITH HIS KIDS, BUT EVEN AS THEY

GOT OLDER AND MOVED ON, HE KEPT

DOING IT.

HIS SONS ACTUALLY HELPED HIM

MAKE THE VIDEO TOUR, AND I

PROMISE: YOU CAN DROP INTO IT AT

LITERALLY ANY POINT, AND FIND

SOMETHING MAGNIFICENT.

>> I WAS ALWAYS REALLY CONSCIOUS

OF A APPROPRIATE AMENITIES.

YOU'LL FIND, YOU KNOW, AN

APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF PUBLIC

RESTROOMS AND STUFF THROUGHOUT

ALL MY PUBLIC FACILITIES.

I'LL GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THIS

AQUARIUM AT SOME POINT.

IT IS CRAZY.

YOU'LL LOVE IT.

>> UM, THE CRAZY PART IS HOW

MUCH TIME IT TOOK YOU TO GET

THAT WATER SITUATED THOUGH.

>> THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

I USED A LOT OF GLOW STONE EARLY

ON.

UM, NOT BECAUSE I LIKE THE GLOW

STONE.

I REALLY DIDN'T.

BUT LIGHTING WAS IMPORTANT.

>> John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT!

LIGHTING IS IMPORTANT.

AND GLOWSTONES, OF COURSE, EMIT

A LIGHT LEVEL OF 15, THE

BRIGHTEST POSSIBLE LIGHT LEVEL

IN THE GAME.

NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,

"WELL, JOHN, HE COULD'VE GOTTEN

A 15 FROM LANTERNS, SEA

LANTERNS, JACK O'LANTERNS,

REDSTONE LAMPS, CONDUITS,

BEACONS, SHROOMLIGHTS, OR

FROGLIGHTS.

BUT WHAT'S HE SUPPOSED TO DO?

USE A SHROOMLIGHT?

A SHROOMLIGHT IN THE BAR AREA

WITH THE POOL?"

PLEASE.

TOMLIN MAY NOT LOVE THE

GLOWSTONE BUT UNLIKE YOU, THE

MAN HAS TASTE.

THE WHOLE VIDEO IS SO FILLED

WITH JOY, THAT I THINK MY

FAVORITE PART IS THE TITLE

"EPISODE 1."

BECAUSE FUCK YES.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE

TALKS ABOUT NEXT EPISODE, WHICH

IS FRANKLY SOMETHING NO ONE'S

EVER SAID ABOUT THIS SHOW.

MEANWHILE, WITH THE MIDTERMS

LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY, POLLS

FOR HOUSE REPUBLICANS LOOK SO

GRIM THAT A GROWING NUMBER OF

THEM PRIVATELY BELIEVE THEY

WON'T KEEP THE MAJORITY.

IT'S NO WONDER SOME CANDIDATES

ARE NOW RESORTING TO

EYE-CATCHING ADS THAT TAKE SOME

BIG SWINGS-- PERHAPS NONE MORE

SO THAN THIS ONE IN

NORTH CAROLINA.

>> I'M JENNIFER BALKCOM.

I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF TOUGH

MOUNTAIN WOMEN.

MOM RAISED US ON HER OWN.

SHE TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG.

AND WHEN SOMEONE BROKE INTO OUR

HOUSE, SHE SHOT HIM.

>> YOU BREAK INTO MY HOUSE,

YOU'RE GONNA GET SHOT.

>> John: WOW.

THAT'S AN INTERESTING STORY

ABOUT YOUR MOM BUT I'M NOT SURE

WHAT IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU AS A

CANDIDATE.

SAY WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT LIZ

CHENEY, AT LEAST SHE NEVER RAN

ON "PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, MY DAD

ONCE SHOT A GUY IN THE FACE."

QUICK SIDE NOTE ABOUT JENNIFER

BALKCOM: SHE WAS ACTUALLY A

LAST-MINUTE ADDITION TO THE

BALLOT, AS THE REPUBLICAN

INCUMBENT, CHUCK EDWARDS,

DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE AFTER HE

WAS FORMALLY CENSURED BY THE

HOUSE, FOLLOWING A MONTHS-LONG

ETHICS INVESTIGATION INTO

ALLEGATIONS HE SEXUALLY HARASSED

TWO YOUNG FEMALE STAFF MEMBERS.

SOME HAVE SINCE SUGGESTED

EDWARDS SHOULD ALSO RESIGN FROM

CONGRESS, AND WHEN A REPORTER

ASKED BALKCOM ABOUT THAT, IT

HER ANSWER WASN'T GREAT.

>> DO YOU THINK HE SHOULD RESIGN

FROM HIS POSITION, OR ARE YOU

COMFORTABLE WITH WHERE THINGS

STAND NOW?

>> I'M NOT SURE.

>> John: HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS A

LONG PAUSE!

EVEN THOSE COWS BEHIND HER ARE

PROBABLY LIKE "I DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR THIS, AND MY ENTIRE TO-DO

LIST IS CHEW GRASS AND SHIT."

THAT PAUSE WAS SO LONG, AND I

DO NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY, HER MOM

COULD HAVE SHOT, LIKE, 20

INTRUDERS IN THAT TIME.

AND LOOK, THERE'LL CLEARLY BE

MORE TO SAY ABOUT THE MIDTERMS

GOING FORWARD, BUT FOR NOW,

WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIVE

STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY

TONIGHT, WHICH CONCERNS THE U.S.

SECRET SERVICE.

IT'S LONG BEEN THE SUBJECT OF

MOVIES FROM "IN THE LINE OF

FIRE" TO "THE SENTINEL" TO

"OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN"-- THE

TRAILER FOR WHICH OPENS WITH

THIS TRULY INCREDIBLE SEQUENCE.

>> MUSTANG, THIS IS BIGTOP.

BRINGING OUT THE FULL PACKAGE.

>> WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

>> GET OUT OF THE CAR!

>> John: I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.

THAT SCENE FOLLOWS A KEY RULE OF

SCREENWRITING: IF YOU WANT TO

MAKE A MAN SYMPATHETIC BUT YOU

DON'T KNOW HOW, JUST KILL HIS

WIFE IN A TRAGIC ACCIDENT.

INCIDENTALLY, I BELIEVE THAT'S

THE SAME STRATEGY THE BRITISH

ROYAL FAMILY HAD IN 1997.

BUT OBVIOUSLY, YOU DON'T JUST

SEE THE SECRET SERVICE IN MOVIES

-- YOU ALSO HEAR ABOUT THEM ON

THE NEWS.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN THEY'RE

TALKED ABOUT ON TV, IT'S USUALLY

BECAUSE THERE'S BEEN A BIG

MISTAKE OR A VERY CLOSE CALL.

SO IT'S CLEARLY NOT IDEAL THAT

I'M ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT THEM ON

TV RIGHT NOW.

BUT THE REASON FOR THAT IS,

THERE'VE BEEN A LOT OF CLOSE

CALLS LATELY-- WITH OBVIOUSLY

NONE CLOSER THAN WHAT HAPPENED

IN BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA TWO

YEARS AGO.

>> THE BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA

SHOOTING HAS BEEN DIFFICULT ON

MANY FRONTS.

WE FAILED.

THE SECRET SERVICE FAILED.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST AND FOREMOST

IS THAT ONE PERSON DIED INSIDE A

SECURED EVENT.

THREE OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING A

FORMER PRESIDENT, WERE WOUNDED

INSIDE THAT EVENT.

THERE'S JUST NO WAY YOU CAN'T

USE THE WORD "FAILURE" WHEN

SHOTS ARE FIRED INTO WHAT IS

SUPPOSED TO BE A SECURED VENUE.

>> John: RIGHT, A RALLYGOER DIED

AND TRUMP'S EAR GOT SHOT.

WHEN THE SECRET SERVICE HAS A

BAD DAY, THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF

CONSEQUENCES YOU CAN GET.

IT'S WHY THE AGENCY HAS A

"ZERO FAIL" MISSION FOR

THEMSELVES-- WITH AGENTS

POINTING OUT, IF YOU FAIL, IT

CAN CHANGE THE COURSE OF HISTORY

-- A LEVEL OF PRESSURE I TRULY

CANNOT FATHOM.

I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT THE

HISTORICAL LEGACY OF THIS SHOW

WILL BE A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND

DOLLARS FOR FOOD BANKS, A KOALA

CHLAMYDIA WARD, AND WHATEVER THE

FUCK IS GOING ON WITH RUSSELL

CROWE'S JOCKSTRAP RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE QUICK UPDATE: AFTER WE

AUCTIONED THE JOCKSTRAP OFF AT

THE END OF LAST YEAR, IN AID OF

PUBLIC MEDIA-- IT WAS

APPARENTLY PUT UP FOR AUCTION

AGAIN IN AUGUST, WHERE I'M HAPPY

TO TELL YOU: IT SOLD FOR

$10,000.

AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS,

OF COURSE WE FUCKING BOUGHT IT

BACK.

OF COURSE DID.

I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHERE

YOU'RE GOING TO GO NEXT.

THE POINT IS, AGENTS HAVE A

HIGH-STAKES JOB.

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO

WORRISOME THAT BY ALL ACCOUNTS,

THE SECRET SERVICE IS HEADING

INTO WHAT MIGHT BE ONE OF ITS

MOST CHALLENGING PERIODS YET.

FOR ONE THING, THE AGENCY SAYS

THREATS AGAINST THEIR PROTECTEES

ARE "OFF THE CHARTS" THESE DAYS.

AND THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET EVEN

BUSIER, AS IN 2028, THEY'LL BE

TASKED WITH COORDINATING

PROTECTION AROUND THE SUMMER

OLYMPICS AND PARALYMPICS, PLUS

THE ANNUAL U.N. GENERAL

ASSEMBLY.

AND THAT YEAR WILL ALSO SEE A

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, FINGERS

CROSSED, WHICH MEANS EVENTUAL

NOMINEES FROM BOTH PARTIES,

THEIR RUNNING MATES, AND THEIR

SPOUSES WILL RECEIVE FULL-TIME

SECRET SERVICE DETAILS, TOO.

AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, THE

AGENCY ALSO EXPECTS A WAVE OF

DEPARTURES BEFORE 2028, SINCE

ABOUT A THIRD OF THE WORKFORCE

WILL BE RETIREMENT-ELIGIBLE BY

THEN.

SO IT'S NO WONDER THAT SOME IN

THE SECRET SERVICE HAVE

PRIVATELY REFERRED TO 2028 AS

"ARMAGEDDON."

AND TO BE FAIR, IT'S TRIED TO

STEP UP RECRUITING EFFORTS--

MOST NOTABLY WITH AN AD THAT

PLAYED DURING LAST YEAR'S

SUPER BOWL, FOR WHICH THEY HIRED

NONE OTHER THAN MICHAEL BAY, AND

WHICH OPENS WITH A BOLD SET OF

FOOTAGE CHOICES.

>> AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON AN

IDEA OF FREEDOM.

AMERICA'S ALWAYS STEPPED FORWARD

IN TIME OF NEED THROUGHOUT OUR

SHORT BUT POWERFUL HISTORY.

>> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN

DO FOR YOU.

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR

COUNTRY.

>> TEAR DOWN THIS WALL.

>> WE'VE BEEN THERE FOR ALL OF

IT.

♪ ♪

>> A SECOND PLANE HIT THE TOWER.

>> John: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU

DOING?

FIRST, IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD TO

TRY TO RECRUIT PEOPLE INTO THE

SECRET SERVICE BY HIGHLIGHTING

THREE OF OUR MOST FAMOUSLY SHOT

AT PRESIDENTS, MEANWHILE, THE

REST OF THAT FOOTAGE FOCUSES ON

EITHER STUFF THAT HAD NOTHING TO

DO WITH THE AGENCY, OR THAT

THING.

THOUGH, I SHOULD SAY, AS THE AD

GOES ON, WE DO EVENTUALLY GET TO

THE POINT.

>> OUR HEROES ARE HUMBLE.

>> THEY HAVE AN INNER PRIDE TO

KEEP THIS IDEA ALIVE.

PROTECTORS ARE BORN.

THEY'RE NOT MADE.

AMERICA'S SECRET SERVICE,

PROTECTING THIS SUPER BOWL, IS

ASKING A FEW MORE TO STEP

FORWARD.

>> John: OKAY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S WEIRDER THERE, THE

JUXTAPOSITION OF "HUMBLENESS"

WITH SPECIAL AGENT WHITE MR. T

HERE, OR THE CLAIM THAT AGENTS

"ARE BORN AND NOT MADE,"

IMPLYING YOU LITERALLY CAN'T

TRAIN TO BE A SECRET SERVICE

AGENT.

THOUGH, I ADMIT: THAT AD MAKES

THEM LOOK PRETTY BADASS,

ESPECIALLY FOR AN AGENCY THAT--

AS THIS IMAGE SUGGESTS-- HAS

HAD SOME PRETTY CLOSE CALLS

RECENTLY.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY A TRIUMPHANT

MOMENT FOR THEM, IS IT?

IT'S A BIT ODD TO CHOOSE TO

SELF-PROMOTE, USING AN IMAGE OF

YOURSELF AT YOUR LOWEST-- EVEN

IF IT'S A STRATEGY THAT I CAN

FRANKLY RELATE TO.

SO GIVEN ALL THAT, TONIGHT,

LET'S LOOK AT THE SECRET SERVICE

-- WHERE IT CAME FROM, WHY IT'S

IN SUCH A WORRYING STATE RIGHT

NOW, AND WHAT IF ANYTHING WE CAN

DO TO IMPROVE THINGS.

AND LET'S START WITH A LITTLE

HISTORY.

BECAUSE THE AGENCY'S ORIGIN

STORY IS-- TO SAY THE LEAST--

"INAUSPICIOUS."

>> IT WAS ABRAHAM LINCOLN WHO

CREATED THE SECRET SERVICE 150

YEARS AGO.

AND IRONICALLY, IT WAS ON THE

VERY DAY HE WAS ASSASSINATED.

>> John: YEAH, LINCOLN WAS

ASSASSINATED JUST HOURS AFTER HE

SIGNED THE LEGISLATION CREATING

THE SECRET SERVICE.

BUT-- IN THEIR DEFENSE, AND

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME THEY CAN

USE THIS-- THEY WERE NEW.

ALSO, TO BE FAIR: AT THAT POINT,

THE AGENCY WASN'T ACTUALLY

TASKED WITH PROTECTING THE

PRESIDENT.

INSTEAD, THEY WERE A PART OF THE

TREASURY DEPARTMENT, AND HAD

BEEN ESTABLISHED TO CRACK DOWN

ON COUNTERFEIT MONEY-- WHICH

WAS A BIG PROBLEM AT THE TIME,

GIVEN IT'S ESTIMATED THAT ABOUT

ONE-THIRD OF THE PAPER MONEY IN

CIRCULATION WAS FAKE.

ALTHOUGH, FUN FACT: THEIR WORK

COMBATING COUNTERFEITING DID

EVENTUALLY MEAN PROTECTING

LINCOLN'S BODY, AS YEARS LATER,

THEY HELPED THWART A SCHEME

HATCHED BY A COUNTERFEITING RING

THAT CALLED FOR LINCOLN'S BODY

TO BE STOLEN FROM HIS TOMB, IN

ORDER TO RANSOM IT BACK TO THE

GOVERNMENT FOR, AMONG OTHER

THINGS, $200,000.

JUST A LITTLE FUN FACT FOR YOU

THERE.

LIKE ALL FUN FACTS, TELLING IT

TO ANYONE WON'T MAKE THEM LIKE

YOU.

IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T MAKE ME LIKE

THE WRITER WHO INSISTED ON

BRINGING IT UP WHEN DISCUSSING

THIS PIECE.

BUT IT IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS

YOU CAN BRING UP AT A PARTY AS A

WAY TO REMIND PEOPLE WHY THEY

SHOULDN'T INVITE YOU TO PARTIES.

BUT INCREDIBLY, IT WASN'T UNTIL

THE 20TH CENTURY-- AFTER TWO

MORE PRESIDENTS HAD BEEN

ASSASSINATED-- THAT

PRESIDENTIAL PROTECTION WAS

FORMALLY ADDED TO THE SECRET

SERVICE'S DUTIES.

AND THEY NOW DO IT IN ALL SORTS

OF WAYS-- SOME OBVIOUS, LIKE

STANDING BESIDE A PRESIDENT WHEN

HE GREETS A CROWD.

AND SOME, MUCH LESS OBVIOUS,

LIKE THIS.

>> THERE WAS A GUY THAT BROKE

INTO PRESIDENT REAGAN'S HOUSE IN

BEL AIR, AND MY JOB FOR A YEAR

AND A HALF AS HIS CASE AGENT

WAS, I WOULD SAY, PRESIDENT BUSH

IS COMING INTO TOWN, OR VICE

PRESIDENT CHENEY'S COMING INTO

TOWN ON TUESDAY, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING? AND HE LIVED IN A HALFWAY

HOUSE, AND HE WOULD SAY, I'M NOT

DOING ANYTHING.

I'D SAY, LET'S GO TO A MOVIE AND

LET'S EAT DINNER WHILE HE'S

HERE.

AND SO, THAT WAS MY JOB WITH

ANOTHER AGENT, WAS WE WOULD GO

MAKE HIM HAPPY WHILE THE

PRESIDENT WAS IN TOWN, TO MAKE

SURE WE KNEW WHERE HE WAS AND

KEEP TABS ON HIM.

>> John: THAT IS TRUE-- AGENTS

SOMETIMES KEEP TABS ON POTENTIAL

THREATS, BY DOING THINGS LIKE

TAKING THEM OUT SOMEWHERE,

WHENEVER THE PRESIDENT'S NEARBY.

AND GIVEN JUST HOW MUCH SHIT I

TALK ABOUT OUR CURRENT

PRESIDENT, I'M GUESSING THERE'S

A NON-ZERO CHANCE THE SECRET

SERVICE HAS A FILE ON ME, SO

GIVEN THAT, LET ME JUST SAY-- I

HAVEN'T SEEN "OH MARY" YET AND I

HEAR GREAT THINGS.

APPARENTLY, BOWEN YANG'S IN IT

NOW.

I'M JUST SAYING-- IF YOU WANT

TO KEEP TABS ON ME THE NEXT TIME

TRUMP'S IN NEW YORK, I DO "LOVE"

AN AISLE SEAT.

NOW, THESE DAYS, THE JOB OF

SPOTTING THREATS HAS CLEARLY

GOTTEN MORE COMPLEX, GIVEN HOW

EASY IT IS TO MAKE THEM ONLINE.

IN FACT, JUST WATCH AS THIS

AGENT EXPLAINS ONE WAY THEY

ASSESS ONLINE THREATS.

>> NOW, WHEN I'M LOOKING THROUGH

HIS SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER THE

INITIAL THREAT, WE'RE LOOKING

FOR WEAPONS OR ANYTHING, ANY

COMMENTS THAT ARE NONSENSICAL,

THAT'S CONCERNING.

SO, THIS IS DEFINITELY A RED

FLAG.

>> John: YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE

PROBABLY RIGHT.

WHAT A KEEN EYE YOU HAVE!

THOUGH, TO BE HONEST, IF BEING

AN AGENT INCLUDES NEEDING TO BE

GOOD AT TRAWLING THROUGH SOCIAL

MEDIA FAST TO LOOK FOR RED

FLAGS, IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE

OVERLOOKING A HUGE HIRING POOL

OF SINGLE WOMEN IN THEIR

30S.

BECAUSE BELIEVE ME-- JESSICA

COULD HAVE FOUND THAT POST IN

TWO SECONDS FLAT, ALONG WITH THE

NAMES OF ALL OF HIS SISTERS,

EXES, AND PRESCHOOL TEACHERS.

"OH, I'M SORRY.

YOU RETWEETED RUSSELL BRAND IN

2018?

GOODBYE."

NOW, I SHOULD SAY-- EVEN AS THE

AGENCY DOES ALL THAT, IT STILL

HAS TO DEAL WITH ITS

COUNTERFEITING INVESTIGATIONS.

IT ACTUALLY HAS AN OFFICIAL DUAL

MISSION OF PROTECTION AND

INVESTIGATING FINANCIAL CRIMES.

WHICH IT DOES AT 115 FIELD

OFFICES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHY YOU SOMETIMES SEE

STORIES ON THE NEWS LIKE THIS

ONE, FROM EARLIER THIS YEAR.

>> IT TAKES LESS THAN TWO

SECONDS FOR THIS SUSPECT TO

INSTALL A SKIMMING DEVICE ON A

CREDIT CARD TERMINAL.

>> HOW ARE YOU DOING, SIR.

MY NAME'S VINCE PORTER, I WORK

FOR THE SECRET SERVICE.

>> THE SECRET SERVICE GAVE CBS

EXCLUSIVE ACCESS AS THEY SEARCH

FOR SKIMMERS ACROSS LOS ANGELES.

>> THEY SNAP PERFECTLY ON CREDIT

CARD TERMINALS AND ATMS,

COLLECTING INFORMATION TO DRAIN

YOUR ACCOUNT WITH EVERY SWIPE.

>> WE GOT ONE.

>> ANALYST VINCE PORTER SPOTTED

THIS ONE RIGHT AWAY.

>> John: YEAH, THE SECRET

SERVICE IS ALSO TASKED WITH

CATCHING CREDIT CARD SKIMMERS,

WHICH IS KIND OF INCREDIBLE,

IT'S LIKE BEING IN A BAD CAR

ACCIDENT AND GETTING RESCUED BY

RYAN SEACREST.

HOLD ON, THIS IS ONE OF YOUR

JOBS TOO?

YOU'RE TAKING A LOT ON.

BUT WAIT, THAT'S STILL NOT ALL

-- THEY ALSO PROVIDE FORENSIC

AND TECHNICAL SUPPORT TO THE

NATIONAL CENTER FOR MISSING AND

EXPLOITED CHILDREN, AND

INVESTIGATE THINGS LIKE ROMANCE

SCAMS.

AND LOOK, SOME AGENTS WILL

INSIST THOSE INVESTIGATIONS ARE

WHAT KEEP THEIR MINDS SHARP, AND

THEY CAN ALSO HELP ESTABLISH

RELATIONSHIPS WITH LOCAL LAW

ENFORCEMENT.

BUT THAT'S STILL A LOT TO BE

PUTTING ON THEIR PLATE!

ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT PLATE IS

ALREADY PRETTY FULL.

OBVIOUSLY, THE MOST WELL-KNOWN

JOB THEY HAVE IS THEIR

PROTECTIVE MISSION, WHICH

INVOLVES GUARDING NOT JUST THE

PRESIDENT, BUT ALSO THE VICE

PRESIDENT, FORMER PRESIDENTS AND

SPOUSES, VISITING HEADS OF

FOREIGN STATES OR GOVERNMENTS,

DISTINGUISHED FOREIGN VISITORS,

MAJOR PRESIDENTIAL AND VICE

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AND

MORE.

AND BEING ON PROTECTIVE DUTY IS

A MUCH MORE DRAINING JOB THAN

YOU MAY THINK.

OBVIOUSLY, "SCANNING A MASSIVE

CROWD OF PEOPLE WHILE BEING

WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR

SOMEONE" IS A BIG PART OF IT--

BUT IT ALSO REQUIRES INCREDIBLE

AMOUNTS OF PREPARATION KNOWN AS

"ADVANCE WORK," AND PUNISHINGLY

LONG SHIFTS, ALL OF WHICH CAN

TAKE A REAL TOLL, AS THIS FORMER

AGENT EXPLAINS.

>> AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND HOW STRESSFUL IT WAS.

I WOULD SAY DURING THE TIME I

WAS IN CHARGE OF

PRESIDENT CLINTON'S DETAIL, I

CAN'T REMEMBER A NIGHT THAT I

HAD MORE THAN THREE HOURS OF

CONTINUOUS SLEEP.

EVERYBODY BURNS OUT.

NO ONE MAINTAINS AN EDGE

CONSTANTLY.

>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GREAT!

THREE HOURS OF SLEEP PROBABLY

ISN'T ENOUGH TO EFFECTIVELY

PROTECT THE PRESIDENT.

ESPECIALLY GIVEN-- AS ANY

PARENT OF A NEWBORN WILL TELL

YOU-- IT'S BARELY ENOUGH TO BE

AN OPERATIONAL PERSON AT ALL.

THE MOST YOU HAVE ENERGY TO DO

AT THAT POINT IS JUST TO GOOGLE,

"COULD I DIE FROM NOT ENOUGH

SLEEP" AND THEN MAYBE ADD,

"PLEASE."

THE POINT IS, THE TOLL ON YOUR

PERSONAL LIFE CAN BE INTENSE.

AGENTS HAVE TALKED ABOUT BEING

AWAY FROM THEIR FAMILY FOR WEEKS

AT A TIME, MISSING HOLIDAYS AND

BIRTHDAYS, WITH ONE EVEN SAYING,

THANKFULLY I'M NOT MARRIED, BUT

IF I WAS, I'D PROBABLY BE

DIVORCED BY NOW.

WHICH IS PRETTY ALARMING.

IF THE BEST YOU CAN SAY FOR YOUR

JOB IS, "WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT

DISAPPOINTING AND GROWING APART

FROM MY NONEXISTENT WIFE," THAT

JOB SOUNDS BAD.

AND IT PROBABLY DOESN'T HELP

MATTERS THAT LOTS OF PRESIDENTS

HAVE BEEN-- NOT TO PUT TOO FINE

A POINT ON IT-- WEIRDOS AND

ASSHOLES.

CALVIN COOLIDGE, FOR INSTANCE,

APPARENTLY HAD A BELL HE USED TO

SUMMON AGENTS WITH, WHICH HE'D

REPEATEDLY RING, AFTER WHICH HE

SCAMPERED QUICKLY AWAY, TO HIDE

AND WATCH THEIR CONFUSION.

AND WHILE THIS ISN'T THE POINT:

JUST IMAGINE HOW NICE IT'D BE TO

HAVE A PRESIDENT SPRY ENOUGH TO

BE ABLE TO SCAMPER RIGHT NOW.

BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.

JFK'S AGENTS HAD THE

UNCOMFORTABLE TASK OF STANDING

GUARD WHILE HE WAS PRETTY

OBVIOUSLY CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.

THE SAME WENT FOR AGENTS ON BILL

CLINTON'S DETAIL.

MEANWHILE, LEGEND HAS IT THAT

LBJ ONCE HAD AN AGENT SHIELD HIM

WHILE HE WAS PEEING OUTSIDE.

DURING WHICH, THAT AGENT

APPARENTLY FELT SOMETHING WARM

AND WET ON HIS TROUSERS.

AND WHEN HE SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT

YOU'RE PISSING ON MY LEG.

LBJ RESPONDED WITH, "AH KNOW I

AM.

THAT'S MY PREROGATIVE."

AS FOR TRUMP, HE'S APPARENTLY

COMPLAINED "I WANT THESE FAT

GUYS OFF MY DETAIL," ADDING "HOW

ARE THEY GOING TO PROTECT ME AND

MY FAMILY IF THEY CAN'T RUN DOWN

THE STREET?"

WHICH IS PRETTY INSULTING!

NOT QUITE AS INSULTING AS THE

FACT HE RILED UP A CROWD OF HIS

SUPPORTERS TO SWARM HIS VICE

PRESIDENT ON JANUARY 6,

SOMETHING THAT APPARENTLY MADE

MEMBERS OF PENCE'S DETAIL FEAR

FOR THEIR LIVES.

BUT STILL PRETTY BAD!

AND WHILE IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT AS

DANGEROUS AS THAT, DURING THE

BIDEN YEARS, AGENTS ALSO HAD TO

DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.

>> COMMANDER IS IN THE DOGHOUSE

AGAIN.

THE BIDEN'S TWO-YEAR-OLD GERMAN

SHEPHERD HAS BITTEN ANOTHER

SECRET SERVICE AGENT, THIS TIME

A WOMAN.

THIS IS THE 11TH TIME IN TWO

YEARS THE DOG HAS SUNK HIS TEETH

INTO SOMEONE.

THE OFFICER WAS TREATED BY

MEDICAL PERSONNEL ON THE WHITE

HOUSE COMPLEX, SAYS A SECRET

SERVICE SPOKESMAN.

A FORMER SECRET SERVICE AGENT

CALLS COMMANDER A "SIGNIFICANT

HAZARD, IT'S A SERIOUS ISSUE."

>> John: YEAH, IT REALLY WAS!

COMMANDER ACTUALLY BIT SECRET

SERVICE AGENTS AT LEAST 24

TIMES.

WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY TERRIBLE,

ALTHOUGH DO SPARE A THOUGHT FOR

COMMANDER, WHO PROBABLY FELT BAD

ENOUGH ALREADY, THEN HAD TO

WATCH THAT CLIP THINKING "DON'T

USE THAT ONE PICTURE OF ME,

DON'T USE THAT ONE PICTURE OF

ME, PLEASE DON'T-- AW, FUCK!

COME ON.

THAT'S TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

I WAS SAYING HI TO A FRIEND!"

SO CLEARLY, AGENTS HAVE TO PUT

UP WITH AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF

SHIT, WHILE DOING AN UTTERLY

EXHAUSTING JOB-- WHERE

INCIDENTALLY, THE STARTING

SALARY IS JUST OVER $49,000 A

YEAR.

AND WHILE YOU CAN BRING THAT UP

THROUGH THINGS LIKE LOCALITY PAY

AND OTHER BENEFITS, THOSE CAN

ONLY GO SO FAR, SINCE THEY'RE

ALSO SUBJECT TO A FEDERAL SALARY

CAP.

SO ONCE YOU HIT THAT ANNUAL CAP,

EVEN IF IT'S ONLY SEPTEMBER, YOU

CAN'T THEN GET PAID ANY MORE,

MEANING THAT AFTER A CERTAIN

POINT, YOUR OVERTIME HOURS ARE

WORKED FOR FREE.

AND WHILE A FEW YEARS BACK,

CONGRESS STEPPED IN AND PASSED

LEGISLATION THAT PROVIDES

OVERTIME FOR STAFFERS WHO WORK

IN PROTECTION, THAT MEASURE

NOTABLY EXPIRES IN 2028-- A

FACT CONVENIENTLY LEFT OUT OF

THAT SUPER BOWL RECRUITMENT AD.

AND THE THING IS, THAT'S JUST

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG WHEN IT

COMES TO THE AGENCY'S BUDGET

ISSUES.

BECAUSE FOR AS HIGH AS THE

STAKES OF THEIR JOB ARE, THEY'VE

CONSISTENTLY BEEN STRETCHED

WORRYINGLY THIN IN TERMS OF

MANPOWER AND RESOURCES.

IN FACT, THERE'S EVEN A MOTTO

MANY AGENTS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO

USE: "WE DO MORE WITH LESS"--

AN ATTITUDE THAT CAN MANIFEST IN

A NUMBER OF WAYS.

FOR INSTANCE, YEARS AGO THE

AGENCY REQUESTED FUNDING TO

BUILD A DETAILED REPLICA OF THE

WHITE HOUSE TO HELP TRAIN

OFFICERS AND AGENTS TO PROTECT

THE REAL THING.

WHICH MAKES SENSE.

BUT IT'S NEVER BEEN BUILT.

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW

THEY'VE SOMETIMES HAD TO TRAIN

INSTEAD, JUST WATCH THIS.

>> SO, THIS BIKE RACK IS HOW YOU

DO YOUR WHITE HOUSE FENCE

TRAINING?

>> YEAH, THIS BIKE RACK IS A

REPRESENTATION OF WHAT WE HAVE

AS THE NORTH FENCE LINE

DOWNTOWN.

>> AND THE WHITE HOUSE?

>> THE WHITE HOUSE IS THE TREES

YOU SEE BACK THERE.

>> SERGEANT DARRIONE NALL SAYS

HIS OFFICERS HAVE TO USE THEIR

IMAGINATION, RUNNING THROUGH

TREES AS IF THEY WERE ROOMS IN

THE WHITE HOUSE.

HOW MUCH OF A DISADVANTAGE IS

THAT FROM A TRAINING

PERSPECTIVE?

>> IT CAN BE A HUGE

DISADVANTAGE.

>> John: YEAH, THEY HAVE TO USE

THEIR IMAGINATION-- AND

PICTURING SOMETHING CRUCIAL FOR

YOUR JOB CLEARLY ISN'T WHAT YOUR

IMAGINATION IS FOR.

IT SHOULD BE FOR WHIMSICAL

FLIGHTS OF FANTASY, LIKE

PICTURING YOURSELF ON A BEACH,

OR FLOATING IN A TRANQUIL POOL

OR GETTING YOUR SKIN PEELED LIKE

AN ORANGE SLOWLY FROM TOP TO

BOTTOM OR TAKING A ROMANTIC

CRUISE OR SOARING AMONG THE

STARS OR THE UNPEELING

CONTINUING DOWN YOUR SHOULDERS

NOW, IT DOESN'T HURT, YOU'RE NOT

HURTING AN ORANGE WHEN YOU DO

IT, THE ORANGE LIKES IT, IT

FEELS FINE.

OR FALLING SOFTLY ONTO A CUSHY

CLOUD OR THE FEELING OF THE PEEL

GOING DOWN THE SMALL OF YOUR

BACK, A CHILL AS YOU WONDER WHAT

SENSATIONS YOUR NEW SKIN WILL

BRING, OR NICE, HOT SOUP ON A

SNOWY DAY!

OR THE PEEL HAS REACHED YOUR

THIGHS NOW AND I LIED BEFORE IT

DOES HURT A LITTLE THAT'S

ACTUALLY PART OF IT EVERY ORANGE

WOULD SCREAM IF IT COULD AND

THEN YOU STEP OUT OF YOUR PEEL

AND YOU'RE NEW BUT YOU'RE ALSO

THE YOU THAT'S BEEN INSIDE YOU

THIS WHOLE TIME AND NOW THEY'LL

SEE, NOW THEY'LL ALL SEE, THE

REAL YOU WON'T BE DENIED, CAN'T

BE DENIED, OR A NICE WALK.

YOU KNOW, JUST REGULAR THINGS

THAT WE ALL USE OUR IMAGINATION

FOR.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOW GOTTEN TO THE

POINT WHERE THE AGENCY'S EVEN

SENT AGENTS TO TRAIN AT AN 80%

SCALE MOCK WHITE HOUSE IN

ATLANTA.

AND NOT JUST ANY MOCK WHITE

HOUSE!

ONE BUILT AS A TV SET BY TYLER

PERRY FOR THIS SOAPY DRAMA THAT

RAN FOR SEVEN SEASONS.

HERE'S JUST A TASTE.

>> WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU

ARE?

>> YOU ARE NOT LEAVING.

TASE HER.

>> I WISH YOU WOULD.

>> IF I HAVE TO COME BACK, ONE

OF YOU WILL DIE.

>> John: FROM ONE SOAP ACTOR TO

ANOTHER-- RESPECT.

SO THE AGENCY'S OFTEN STRETCHED

EXTREMELY THIN-- AND THAT'S

HAPPENED EVEN AS THEIR DUTIES

HAVE INCREASED.

DURING THE LAST PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTION, THEY REPORTED HAVING

TO PROTECT AS MANY AS 43

INDIVIDUALS AROUND THE CLOCK.

AND NOW TRUMP'S IN OFFICE AGAIN,

THEY'VE BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY, AS

THE TRUMPS TEND TO TAKE A LOT OF

FAMILY TRIPS.

FOR CONTEXT: WHERE OBAMA'S

FAMILY TOOK AROUND 133 PROTECTED

TRIPS PER YEAR, DURING TRUMP'S

FIRST TERM ALONE, HIS FAMILY

TOOK THE TRUMP FAMILY WATCHING

1600.

AND IF THE TRUMP FAMILY WATCHING

THIS RIGHT NOW, WHO'S LEARNING

FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THE REST

OF YOUR FAMILY'S BEEN TAKING

OVER 1600 TRIPS WITHOUT YOU,

THEN I'M TRULY SORRY YOU HAD TO

FIND OUT THIS WAY, WHOEVER YOU

ARE, ERIC.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TRUMPS--

AGENTS HAVE ALSO GRUMBLED ABOUT

THE DEMANDS JD VANCE'S FAMILY

PUT ON THEM, ESPECIALLY AS THEY

APPARENTLY FREQUENTLY CHANGE

PLANS WITHOUT WARNING, FORCING

AGENTS TO CANCEL THEIR DAYS OFF,

DROP OTHER PLANS AND OFTEN RACE

TO THE LOCATION THEY'RE NEEDED,

WHILE ALSO HAVING TO COME UP

WITH SECURITY PLANS IN A HURRY.

IN FACT, FRUSTRATION OVER

ACCOMMODATING VANCE'S SCHEDULE

IS SO COMMON, AGENTS ON HIS

DETAIL APPARENTLY EVEN MADE

CUSTOM COINS AND STICKERS TO

MOCK IT.

THEY READ BOBCAT OTR SURVIVORS

CLUB-- "BOBCAT" BECAUSE THAT'S

VANCE'S SECURITY CODENAME,

"O-T-R" BECAUSE "OFF THE RECORD"

IS THE TERM FOR HASTY, UNPLANNED

TRIPS, AND COINS AND STICKERS

BECAUSE I'M GUESSING THEY'RE NOT

ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH

T-SHIRTS THAT SAY "FUCK THIS

GUY."

THE POINT HERE IS: THE AGENCY'S

CLEARLY UNDER SIGNIFICANT

STRAIN.

BUT EVEN THAT DOESN'T COMPLETELY

ACCOUNT FOR THE NUMBER OF

INEXPLICABLE FUCKUPS THERE'VE

BEEN, WHICH HAVE HAPPENED AT AN

ACCELERATING RATE, EVER SINCE

THE START OF THE OBAMA

PRESIDENCY.

THAT WAS A MOMENT WHEN

ADMITTEDLY, THEIR JOB DID BECOME

MORE DIFFICULT, GIVEN THE AGENCY

REPORTEDLY EXPERIENCED A 400%

INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF

THREATS AGAINST THE PRESIDENT.

AND IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHY

VIOLENT THREATS WENT UP FROM

THIS GUY TO THIS GUY, I'VE GOT

SOME INTERESTING NEWS FOR YOU:

YOU ARE A LIAR.

AND WITH THREATS ON THE RISE,

YOU'D THINK THE AGENCY WOULD'VE

BEEN ON HIGH ALERT, WHICH IS

WHAT MAKES IT SO WEIRD THAT THEY

HAD A NUMBER OF SECURITY

BREACHES AND SCANDALS, SOME OF

WHICH YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN

REMEMBER, LIKE THIS ONE.

>> WASHINGTON, D.C.,

SEPTEMBER 19TH, 2014.

AT 7:20 PM, 42-YEAR-OLD

OMAR J. GONZALEZ SCALES THE

IRON PERIMETER FENCE OF THE

WHITE HOUSE AND RACES 70 YARDS

ACROSS THE LAWN THROUGH THE

NORTH PORTICO DOORS.

>> GONZALEZ NOT ONLY SCALED THE

OUTSIDE FENCE, BUT HE GOT INSIDE

THE WHITE HOUSE, WHICH WAS NOT

LOCKED.

>> John: YEAH, A GUY RAN

STRAIGHT IN-- AND WITH A KNIFE,

BY THE WAY.

THAT'S SHOCKING FOR A BUNCH OF

REASONS, INCLUDING THAT THE

WHITE HOUSE FRONT DOOR WASN'T

LOCKED-- IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT

THE NUCLEAR CODES ARE

"PASSWORD1234"-- I JUST ASSUMED

IT'D BE MORE SECURE THAN THAT.

BUT OF ALL THE CLOSE CALLS

DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION,

THE SCARIEST MIGHT'VE BEEN WHAT

HAPPENED IN 2011, WHEN A MAN

AIMED A HIGHPOWERED RIFLE AT THE

WHITE HOUSE, AND FIRED AT LEAST

EIGHT SHOTS.

HE APPARENTLY HARBORED PARANOID

BELIEFS, INCLUDING THAT OBAMA

WAS THE ANTI-CHRIST, AND THAT HE

HIMSELF WAS THE MODERN DAY JESUS

AND, TO BE FAIR, WHEN YOU SEE A

PICTURE OF HIM...

YOU CAN KINDA SEE IT.

ANYWAY, THOSE BULLETS HIT THE

WHITE HOUSE, WITH SEVERAL

HITTING THE PART OF THE BUILDING

WHERE THE PRESIDENT AND HIS

FAMILY LIVE.

BUT THE SECRET SERVICE INITIALLY

WROTE THE INCIDENT OFF AS GANG

MEMBERS WHO ENGAGED IN A

GUNFIGHT NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE'S

FRONT LAWN.

IN FACT, IT TOOK THEM "FOUR

DAYS" TO REALIZE THAT SHOTS HAD

HIT THE WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE, A

DISCOVERY THAT ONLY CAME ABOUT

BECAUSE A HOUSEKEEPER NOTICED

THE BROKEN GLASS AND A CHUNK OF

CEMENT ON THE FLOOR.

BUT PERHAPS THE STUPIDEST

INCIDENT IN THE OBAMA YEARS HAD

NOTHING TO DO WITH A LACK OF

RESOURCES, AND MORE TO DO WITH

THE AGENCY HAVING SOME

ENTRENCHED CULTURAL PROBLEMS.

IT HAPPENED IN CARTAGENA, AND

THE QUICKEST EXPLANATION IS THAT

AHEAD OF OBAMA'S VISIT TO

COLOMBIA, MULTIPLE AGENTS, WHO

WERE THERE PREPPING FOR HIS

ARRIVAL, SPENT A NIGHT PARTYING,

DRINKING LIKE MONSTERS, AND

ALSO, DOING THIS.

>> DANIA LONDOÑO SUAREZ SAYS THE

THREE MEN THAT APPROACHED AND

PROPOSITIONED HER AND HER

FRIENDS, SHE ASSUMED THEY WERE

TOURISTS, WERE DRINKING VODKA,

QUOTE, "LIKE IT WAS WATER," BUT

WERE STILL COHERENT.

SHE SAYS SHE MADE IT CLEAR THAT

A NIGHT WITH HER WOULD COST

$800.

>> MUY CLARO.

>> THESE ARE VERY BASIC WORDS:

SEX, SEXO, CASH, MONEY, DINERO.

I MADE A SIGN WITH MY FINGERS SO

THAT HE COULDN'T PRETEND I WAS

CHARGING $80 OR $0.80 CENTS.

OKAY.

NO PROBLEM.

LET'S GO.

>> SHE SAYS AFTER WHAT SHE

DESCRIBES AS "NORMAL SEX," HE

FELL ASLEEP.

THAT SHE COULD'VE GONE THROUGH

OR STOLEN EVERYTHING IN HIS

ROOM, BUT DIDN'T.

>> John: RIGHT, THAT'S A

PROBLEM.

AND AFTERWARDS, A NUMBER OF

CONCERNS WERE RAISED, INCLUDING

THAT-- WHILE THOSE AGENTS WERE

ASLEEP-- THOSE WOMEN COULD'VE

HAD ACCESS TO INFORMATION ABOUT

THE PRESIDENT'S WHEREABOUTS OR

SECURITY PROTOCOLS.

OR EVEN TRIED TO BLACKMAIL THEM.

ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THAT WOMAN COULD'VE

THREATENED THAT AGENT WITH THAT

WOULD BE MORE HUMILIATING THAN

DESCRIBING IT AS "NORMAL SEX" ON

THE NEWS.

LITERALLY JUST KILL ME.

NOT "FINE" OR "ADEQUATE" OR EVEN

"NOT GREAT BUT I RESPECT HE TOOK

SOME BIG SWINGS."

"NORMAL."

THE SETTING ON A WASHING MACHINE

YOU SELECT WHEN YOU'RE NOT

COMPETENT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT'S

REALLY NEEDED.

BUT WAIT, BECAUSE IT GETS WORSE,

ONCE THAT WOMAN WOKE THE AGENT

UP, HE APPARENTLY REFUSED TO PAY

THE $800 SHE SAID THEY'D AGREED

ON-- LEADING LOCAL POLICE TO

GET INVOLVED, WITH OTHER AGENTS

ULTIMATELY SCRAPING TOGETHER

ABOUT $250 TO TRY AND GET HER TO

LEAVE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE

GUYS?

>> [LAUGHS]

>> YOU LAUGH.

WHY DO YOU LAUGH SO MUCH?

>> THEY SEEMED LIKE COMPLETELY

STUPID, IDIOTS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW OBAMA HAD THEM

IN HIS SECURITY FORCE.

WHAT DUMB MEN.

>> John: YEAH, THEY WERE VERY

DUMB!

THEIR BEHAVIOR COULD'VE

COMPROMISED THE PRESIDENT'S

SAFETY!

AND LOOK, WHILE I'M NOT SURE AN

ASSASSINATION COULD EVER BE MADE

WORSE, "THE PRESIDENT'S DEAD

BECAUSE A SECRET SERVICE AGENT

WANTED TO PAY TO DO C-MINUS SEX

AT SOMEONE" MIGHT JUST DO THE

TRICK.

NOW, THAT INCIDENT HIGHLIGHTED

THE FACT THE SECRET SERVICE HAD

A PRETTY TOXIC CULTURE, WITH

REPORTS IN THE WAKE OF IT

CONTAINING DETAILS LIKE THE FACT

MARRIED AGENTS HAD BEEN HEARD TO

JOKE DURING AIRCRAFT TAKEOFF

THAT THEIR MOTTO WAS "WHEELS UP,

RINGS OFF."

WHICH OBVIOUSLY ISN'T GREAT,

EVEN IF IT DOES SOUND LIKE THE

ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "HOW DO

YOU SAFELY FIST LIGHTNING

MCQUEEN?"

AND WHILE THAT ADMITTEDLY

HAPPENED OVER A DECADE AGO,

SINCE THEN, REPORTERS HAVE

REPEATEDLY SUGGESTED THERE'S A

SYSTEMIC CULTURE PROBLEM AT THE

AGENCY THAT HASN'T BEEN FIXED--

INCLUDING ALLEGATIONS IT'S BEEN

WEAKENED BY ARROGANT, INSULAR

LEADERSHIP, AND A PROMOTION

SYSTEM DRIVEN BY PERSONALY

RELATIONS RATHER THAN MERIT.

AND ALL OF THIS-- AN EXHAUSTED

WORKFORCE STRETCHED WAY TOO

THIN, LIMITED RESOURCES AND SOME

TRULY POOR JUDGMENT-- ALL CAME

TO A HEAD IN BUTLER,

PENNSYLVANIA.

AFTER THAT INCIDENT, A LOT OF

WORRYING FACTS CAME OUT-- FROM

AGENTS COMMUNICATING POORLY WITH

STATE AND LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT,

TO NOT HAVING PERSONNEL SECURING

THE BUILDING THE SHOOTER WAS ON,

TO THE FACT THAT, JUST TWO HOURS

BEFORE SHOTS WERE FIRED, THE

SHOOTER EVEN MANAGED TO FLY A

DRONE AROUND THE RALLY SITE FOR

11 MINUTES.

WHICH CLEARLY ISN'T IDEAL.

NOR IS IT IDEAL THAT, WHILE THE

SECRET SERVICE HAD BROUGHT A

DRONE DETECTION SYSTEM WITH THEM

THAT LIKELY WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE

TO GEOLOCATE THE SHOOTER, THEY

COULDN'T USE IT, BECAUSE THERE

WAS A TECHNICAL PROBLEM THAT AN

AGENT STRUGGLED FOR

APPROXIMATELY FIVE HOURS TO FIX,

TRYING THINGS LIKE "SHUTTING THE

SYSTEM DOWN AND POWERING IT BACK

UP," AND CALLING TECH SUPPORT

WHO SUGGESTED "THE SYSTEM MAY

NEED A SOFTWARE UPDATE," BEFORE

EVENTUALLY TELLING THEM TO "SWAP

OUT THE ETHERNET CABLE."

BUT AS THEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE OF

THOSE, THEY ULTIMATELY HAD TO

BORROW ONE FROM THE NEARBY TRUMP

CAMPAIGN'S AUDIO-VISUAL

PERSONNEL.

THANKFULLY, THAT CABLE FINALLY

WORKED-- BUT UNFORTUNATELY, IT

WAS ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AFTER THE

SHOOTER'S DRONE FLIGHT HAD

ENDED.

WHICH IS A PRETTY TOUGH MOMENT

FOR THE SECRET SERVICE BUT

HONESTLY A PRETTY HUGE MOMENT

FOR THE RANDOM DRAWER IN MY

HOUSE IN WHICH I'VE ACCUMULATED

12 DIFFERENT ETHERNET CABLES.

WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE I

WASN'T SUCH A FOOL AFTER ALL.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY THREE

MISMATCHED AIRPODS AND MY CD

COPY OF ROLLERCOASTER TYCOON TO

ALSO BE PROVEN CRITICAL SOMEHOW

TO THE NATION'S SAFETY.

BUT IT'S WORTH NOTING: THE

AGENCY SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN

NEEDED A DRONE TO SEE SOMETHING

WAS OFF, AS THIS TRUMP SUPPORTER

WHO WAS AT THE RALLY POINTS OUT.

>> WE NOTICED A GUY CRAWLING,

YOU KNOW, BEAR CRAWLING UP THE

ROOF OF THE BUILDING BESIDE US.

50 FEET AWAY FROM US.

SO WE'RE STANDING THERE, YOU

KNOW, WE'RE POINTING AT THE GUY.

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF "WHY IS

TRUMP STILL SPEAKING, WHY HAVE

THEY NOT PULLED HIM OFF THE

STAGE."

I'M STANDING THERE POINTING AT

HIM FOR TWO, THREE MINUTES.

SECRET SERVICE IS LOOKING AT US

FROM THE TOP OF THE BARN.

I'M POINTING AT THAT ROOF, JUST

STANDING THERE LIKE THIS.

AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, FIVE

SHOTS RING OUT.

>> John: YEAH, IT'S PRETTY BAD!

THOUGH, LISTEN.

IN THE SECRET SERVICE'S DEFENSE:

WHILE THEY MADE A LOT OF

MISTAKES THAT DAY, I'M NOT

COMPLETELY SURE THAT IGNORING

THIS GUY WAS ONE OF THEM.

BECAUSE IF I WAS SCANNING AN

AREA FOR THREATS AND SAW THIS

MAN-- WITH HIS VISOR FEATURING

FAKE TRUMP HAIR, AND A BEER IN

HAND EVEN WHEN TALKING TO THE

NEWS-- SHOUTING AND WAVING HIS

ARMS AROUND WILDLY, I WOULDN'T

ASSUME HE'S TRYING TO WARN ME

ABOUT A THREAT, I'D JUST ASSUME

HE WAS HAVING A MELTDOWN BECAUSE

HE JUST TOOK FOURTH IN A GUY

FIERI LOOKALIKE CONTEST.

AND IN ADDITION TO ALL THE

OBVIOUS MISTAKES THAT DAY, ONE

REVIEW CONDUCTED AFTERWARD FOUND

THAT AGENTS HAD REPORTED 1.2

MILLION OVERTIME HOURS THAT

YEAR, WITH CONSECUTIVE SHIFTS

AND LITTLE RECUPERATIVE REST,

WHICH HAD CONTRIBUTED TO BURNOUT

AND ATTRITION.

MEANWHILE, A DIFFERENT REVIEW

FOUND THERE WERE CORROSIVE

CULTURAL ATTITUDES REGARDING

RESOURCING AND "DOING MORE WITH

LESS," BEFORE CONCLUDING: THE

SECRET SERVICE AS AN AGENCY

REQUIRES FUNDAMENTAL REFORM TO

CARRY OUT ITS MISSION.

WITHOUT THAT REFORM, ANOTHER

BUTLER CAN AND WILL HAPPEN

AGAIN."

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY GIVING THE

AGENCY MORE FUNDING WOULDN'T

HURT, IF IT'S SPENT WISELY ON

THINGS LIKE FIXING THEIR

OVERTIME, OR FINALLY BUILDING

THAT MOCK WHITE HOUSE TO TRAIN

ON.

WE COULD ALSO TAKE SOME

RESPONSIBILITIES OFF THEIR PLATE

AND MAYBE EVEN REMOVE THEM FROM

THE BUREAUCRACY OF DHS-- WHERE

THEY'VE BEEN STUCK SINCE AFTER

9/11.

ALSO, WE COULD STEP UP

RECRUITING-- WHICH THEY HAVE

BEEN TRYING TO DO.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT SUPER BOWL AD

-- THEY'RE ALSO REPORTEDLY

BEEN SPENDING $90 MILLION ON A

NATIONWIDE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN

WITH A GOAL OF ATTRACTING ABOUT

80,000 APPLICANTS.

BUT THE HARD TRUTH IS, MONEY AND

RECRUITMENT WON'T TURN NEWER

AGENTS INTO SENIOR AGENTS AND IT

DEFINITELY WON'T FIX THE

ENTRENCHED CULTURAL ISSUES.

IN FACT, AS ONE OF THOSE REVIEWS

AFTER BUTLER PUT IT, "EVEN AN

UNLIMITED BUDGET WOULD NOT, BY

ITSELF, REMEDIATE MANY OF THE

CAUSES OF THE FAILURES ON THAT

DAY."

AND THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN A

PROBLEM'S THIS PERSISTENT AND

CULTURAL, IT NEEDS A MUCH DEEPER

LEVEL OF INTERVENTION.

LOOK, THIS JOB IDEALLY REQUIRES

PEOPLE WHO ARE INCREDIBLY BRAVE,

AND INCREDIBLY SKILLED.

IT'S A JOB THAT I PERSONALLY

COULDN'T, AND SHOULDN'T, DO.

BUT THE VERY FACT IT'S SUCH AN

IMPORTANT JOB MEANS THAT THE

AGENCY HAVING AN INSULAR CULTURE

BUILT AROUND "DOING MORE WITH

LESS" ISN'T JUST EXHAUSTING FOR

THE AGENTS INVOLVED, IT'S

ACTIVELY RECKLESS.

AND UNTIL THAT'S PROPERLY

ADDRESSED, MAYBE THE AGENCY

SHOULD STOP PROMOTING ITSELF TO

PROSPECTIVE RECRUITS AS BEING

THE HOME OF UNFLAPPABLE

BADASSES, LIVING THE LIFE OF

ACTION MOVIE HEROES, AND INSTEAD

BE MORE HONEST ABOUT THE JOB

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY APPLYING

FOR.

♪ ♪

>> AMERICA WAS FOUNDED IN ON AN

IDEA OF FREEDOM.

AMERICA ALWAYS ANSWERED THE CALL

WHEN EVER WE NEEDED HER MOST.

AND THE SECRET SERVICE--, CAN WE

GET A DIFFERENT PRESIDENT?

REALLY JUST ANY OF OUR LESS SHOT

AT PRESIDENTS?

SURE.

WILL DO.

WE'VE BEEN THERE THROUGH THICK

AND THIN.

AND NOW AMERICA IS LOOKING FOR

THE NEXT GENERATION OF HEROES.

ARE YOU READY TO PROTECT THE

LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD WHILE

LOOKING COOL AS?

THEN THE SECRET SERVICE MAY NOT

ACTUALLY BE FOR YOU.

>> I'M SORRY, WHAT?

>> SURE THIS JOB HAS SOME ACTION

AND ADVENTURE BUT A LOT OF THE

TIME IT'S JUST THIS.

>> HI.

SO THE PRESIDENT'S IN TOWN.

>> I KNOW.

COME ON.

I GOT HIS TICKETS.

>> LET ME GET MY JACKET.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, SOMETIMES

AMERICA JUST NEEDS YOU TO

BABYSIT A GUY.

>> IT'S MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

GUESS MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

>> TAXI DRIVER.

>> YOU NEED TO SEE THE THREATS

OTHERS CAN'T AND ALSO TO SEE A

BIKE RACK AND PRETEND IT'S THE

WHITE HOUSE.

>> YOU'RE DISARMED.

>> BECAUSE THIS IS A JOB WHERE

WE PROTECT OUR LEADERS AROUND

THE CLOCK.

OCCASIONALLY GET ON BY THEM.

>> HE'S STILL GOING.

HE'S DONE THAT IN.

OH, HE'S STILL GOING.

>> SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO STAND

OUTSIDE THE DOOR WHILE THEY

CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES AND ACT AS

CHEW TOYS FOR THEIR DOGS.

>> DID YOU BRING YOUR OWN BUTTER

FROM HOME?

>> THIS ISN'T BUTTER.

>> YOU MIGHT ALSO GET TO USE

YOUR INVESTIGATIVE SKILLS TO

HELP BREAK CRACKDOWN ON ONE OF

AMERICA'S GREATEST THREATS.

>> WE'VE GOT A CODE RED, CODE

RED!

>> MOST PEOPLE JUST TAP NOW.

OKAY.

ARE YOU GOING TO BUY SOMETHING?

>> YOU KNOW, FUN FACT.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN IRONICALLY

STARTED--

>> YOU HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING OR

YOU HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT.

>> WE NEED THE BEST OF THE BEST

WHO CAN DO THE MOST WITH THE

ABSOLUTE LEAST.

>> YES I TRIED TO TURN IT OFF

AND ON AGAIN.

DO WE HAVE ANY ETHERNET CABLES?

WHY WOULD I BRING TWO ETHERNET

CABLES?

>> HEY COME ON THERE'S A WEIRD

LOOKING GUY ON THE ROOF OVER

THERE.

>> DOES HE HAVE ANY ETHERNET

CABLES?

IF NOT NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

WHAT WAS THAT?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT WASN'T,

A GUN.

IT'S FIREWORKS OR GANGS.

>> WE NEED HEROES WITH STRICT

STOMACH STRENGTH WHO CAN PROTECT

THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE.

ALL THIS FOR A STARTING SALARY

OF $49,000 A YEAR.

>> WAIT, ARE YOU FUCK-I NG

SERIOUS?

THAT'S NOT A REAL NUMBER RIGHT?

>> WE ARE LOOKING FOR HEROES WHO

CAN ANSWER THE CALL.

THE PAY IS BAD.

AND YES SOMETIMES YOU'LL GET

SHOT AT BUT IT NEEDS GOOD

THOUGHTFUL PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WILLING TO GIVE 100% IN

SERVICE OF THE COUNTRY THEY

LOVE.

IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU,

- AMERICA'S READY--. - ORG

DOG APPEARED THE AMERICAN

>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOODNIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

WELCOME HOME, FRIEND.

WELCOME HOME.

>> DISARM THIS MAN USING ONLY MY

HAND.

>> WAIT, THERE'S MORE OF YOU.

>> NO LOOK PUNCH!

NOW HE'S UNCONSCIOUS.

>> THANK YOU, SON, FOR SAVING MY

LIFE.

THANK YOU THANK YOU.