Original subtitles

[♪ Acoustic guitar playing]

[tab clicks]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]

♪♪

[♪ theme song concludes]

[congregation singing] ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪

- ♪ Marching as to war ♪ - [Hank snoring]

♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪

♪ Going on... ♪

- ♪ Jesus ♪ - ♪ ...before ♪

♪ Soldier, amen ♪

Now, let us honor the Lord with our call to offering.

At least here, we know the tips are goin' to the staff and not the owner.

[Reverend Stroup] And while you're in a giving mood, folks,

- we have an urgent need for volunteers. - [♪ solemn organ music playing]

Did we get a new organist? It's a little jazzy for my taste.

Hank, maybe we should be more active in the church.

You mean, besides Sundays?

It's the only day God's looking.

Well, we have plenty of time now that Bobby's out of the house.

Ah, fine. [Sighs]

I just don't wanna do anything too churchy.

Maybe I could do somethin' with my hands.

You know, as long as it doesn't involve washing feet.

[people chattering]

I have just the opportunity for you two.

The marriage ministry retreat is this weekend.

Talking about marriage? Isn't there somethin' else I could do?

Like washing feet, maybe.

We would be great mentors!

I am a professional educator, with a perfect marriage!

The Lord would be lucky to have me.

Oh, no, we don't need mentors.

Dale and Nancy Gribble are leading the ministry.

So, what will we be doing?

Well, we need someone to prepare and serve the food.

Like a cook-slash-waitress?

Peggy, Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Church ended ten minutes ago.

Maybe give it a rest.

- And, Hank, if you don't mind... - Uh, yeah?

The retreat center has seen better days,

so maybe you could do some maintenance work?

Light carpentry, electrical...

Pastor, you had me at "maintenance."

I'll do the work of Jesus and 12 disciples.

Wonderful. We'll see you Saturday.

If there's time, can I build a giant cross

you can see from the Space Station?

I already have the design.

♪♪

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Well, thanks for letting me know. - [phone beeps]

[door latch clicks]

So, that was the producer from King of the Grill.

We know, we know! What'd they say?

Well, they didn't like my submission.

- I knew it! - Dios mio!

I hate that show!

Because they loved it!

- I knew it. - Way to go, boss!

I love that show!

They're sending a crew to shoot an audition tape,

which will just be a formality

when they see Chef Bobby's got "skillz."

And, yes, that's "skillz" with a "Z".

I'm gonna make these people the best meal they've ever had.

Money is no object.

I'm talkin' matsutake mushrooms, bluefin belly,

and wagyu up the wazoo.

Chef Bobby, wagyu beef is $300 a pound.

Wagyu halfway up the wazoo.

[♪ Guitar strums]

[♪ Gentle guitar music playing]

[water lapping gently]

[people chattering]

I'm glad you're here, Sug.

Ooh, boy, what a morning.

I woke up early and went down to the lake,

where I patched and painted

a vintage 1958 Old Town Trapper Canoe.

Now, I'm gonna go to town on some rotted window casings.

How can you be so happy?

They are giving us menial tasks. It is beneath us, Hank.

Peggy, there once was a humble carpenter who changed the world.

That's right, Bob Vila, host of This Old House.

His teachings on miter-saw safety will live forever.

Welcome. I'm Nancy Gribble.

As you know, I used to do the weather

on Channel 84. [Chuckles]

Well, we're about to turn the cold fronts of our relationships

into warm fronts.

Does she not know that would create a tornado?

And I'm Dale Gribble.

Later, I'll teach you how to exterminate the five varmints of matrimony.

- Criticism may look harmless... - [rat squeaking]

but you don't want her nesting in the attic of your marriage.

I cannot listen to this.

Nancy and Dale are unqualified.

I should be fixing these marriages, Hank.

And I should be fixing that cracked casing.

I get to bust out my air compressor.

What a friend we have in Jesus.

[Hank whistling]

Let's open our workbooks to chapter one.

"Communication"?

[chuckling] Well, that is rich.

That is not where I would have started.

What do y'all do to keep the lines of communication open?

Anyone? How 'bout you, Amy?

Well, lately, we've been trying mindful listening exercises.

Overkill, Amy.

Hank and I have a surefire way to communicate.

It's called the compliment sandwich.

Okay, any other techniques for...

I'd like to hear more about the compliment sandwich.

Of course!

Don't you have some pastries to pass out, Sug?

Would you mind, dear?

[metal chair scraping]

- [Nancy groans] - Excuse me, okay.

[inhales deeply] Now, the key to the compliment sandwich,

which is not an actual sandwich...

[♪ gentle music playing]

Yes, Miguel, show that bluefin who's boss!

- [food sizzling] - Sandra, that looks delish.

You're the best at wurst.

Chef Bobby, are you wearing mascara?

Just to make my eyes pop.

A little trick I learned from my high school production

of Fiddler on the Roof.

- I was the roof! - Mm!

I love the smell of grilled meat and raw talent.

Don't switch those, you'll get trichinosis.

[laughing]

Hi, I'm Isabel, producer of King of the Grill.

Welcome to Robata Chane.

Hope you're ready, because I gotta lotta rob at a.

Save that wit for the show, boss!

And so, the Japanese fishermen cooked what they caught

in a stone box filled with hot coals.

That's why we serve our rob at a on a wooden oar,

to honor the humble seamen

who invented this method of cooking.

[sighs] Okay, let's cut.

Is it because I said "seamen"?

I thought this was for cable.

I'm trying to think of a synonym for "boring"

that's not mean.

- Dry. - Flat.

- Lackluster. - Bereft of life.

Okay, Sandra.

Very extra, but point taken.

Look, you have to be entertaining

if we're gonna get this audition past the suits in Burbank.

Burbank! That's where they film Raven's Home.

Okay, thanks for the feedback.

Come back tomorrow and I'll give you the ol' razzle-dazzle.

As the Arlen High School Tribune said,

"You'll come for the fiddler, but you'll stay for the roof."

[Hank whistling]

[stops whistling abruptly]

He even bought me a coffee mug that says,

"Happy wife, happy life." [chuckles]

Oh, Hank! Perfect timing.

I am fielding questions about our perfect marriage.

She sure is. We can't stop her.

- Come join me. - Or stop her. [Chuckles]

No, thanks, I'm just the handyman.

- I do my talkin' with this. - [air compressor whirring]

- [compressor stops abruptly] - Hank, sit.

- [Hank sighs] - Next question?

How do you two handle the division of household duties?

Pass. Next person.

Well, I have always been in charge of the cooking.

In fact, Hank calls me his better half,

because I better "half" dinner on the table when he comes home.

[Peggy laughing]

[group murmuring]

Huh, that was one of my more popular musings in the Arlen Bystander.

Actually, I do the cooking in our family,

since my wife works while I stay home.

Don't you wish you could've been more involved in raising your kids?

Son, I don't know you well enough to tell if you're joking.

Well, I chose to stay home with our Bobby

while Hank brought home the bacon, which worked out,

because Bobby ate a lot of bacon.

Did you ever regret that decision?

- No. No regrets. - [Nancy Gribble] Oh, really, Sug?

I remember you tellin' me that you wished you had gone to college

and gotten a degree so that you could teach full-time.

- You did? - Well, I... I...

But you had to sacrifice so Hank could work.

You know, sometimes you do things for your husband's career.

- What about your career? - Yeah, Mr. Hill,

why let gender norms prevent her from following her dream?

I didn't even know she wanted to go to college.

Seriously?

Wow, talk about bad communication skills.

It's not bad communication,

it's just how we did things in our generation.

Nancy and Dale are the same generation as you,

but they're much more... modern.

I am modern! I worked part-time,

and I was the first woman in our neighborhood

to wear Capri pants.

I think what he means, Sug, is that I'm the breadwinner in our family

and Dale is fine with it.

Only because his business is unsuccessful.

No, Hank, I'm evolved.

Not from monkeys, obviously.

From aliens. God's aliens.

So, that's two issues we've found

in the Hills' marriage. Let's keep lookin'.

- Good thing I brought an extra rat. - [rat squeaking]

Should we call him "Bad Communication" or just "Hank"?

[Peggy scoffs]

[♪ Gentle dramatic music playing]

[Reverend Stroup] Peggy, you can stop.

I've asked Walter and Amy to take over the food.

So I will have more time to teach?

No, I was thinking, given the communication issues

you and Hank seem to have, maybe you two should take the class.

- What? - From Nancy?

The Gribbles really are wonderful mentors.

If you approach it with an open mind, you might learn somethin'.

Open mind?

Where was that when I pitched a slide for the baptismal pool?

But if you insist.

[sighs] It's times like this we have to ask ourselves,

"What would Bob Vila do?"

♪♪

Welcome back, everyone.

As you can see, Hank and Peggy are joining us...

as students.

[Dale Gribble] Hang in there, you two.

We will piece the shattered pieces of your wedded bliss back together.

- [Hank groaning] - We've got a fun exercise for y'all.

It's called a "Trust Walk."

One of you will be blindfolded.

You'll trust your spouse to guide you through the woods

using only verbal cues.

And we all know there's nothing more important in a marriage than trust.

- Ugh! [Growling] - [Nancy] Okey-doke.

See y'all on the other side.

- [♪ Playful guitar music playing] - [people chattering]

[Peggy Hill] Trust? That is rich.

Coming from Nancy?

- Of all the hypocritical... - [thuds] Ah!

Gotdangit, Peggy!

Oh, I am sorry, Hank. I am all worked up.

I just cannot listen to her lecture me.

Uh-huh. Do I go right or left?

Left. And we should be teaching this class.

I mean, Nancy is always coming to who?

Me, to talk about her issues with Dale.

And Lord knows those two have their issues.

Tell me about it.

Nancy's been cheating on Dale for 20 years.

- [♪ Dramatic music plays] - Adultery? In the marriage ministry?

- Reverend Stroup! - Bwah!

We can explain, you see... bwah!

- [yelling] - [bushes rustle]

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

[door opens]

There's my sexy Guy Fieri.

- [lips smacking] - Mwah. How are you feeling?

Great! I spent hours

watching the most popular contestants

on the most popular cooking shows.

They want flavor? I got all kinds of flavor, baby!

They can pick the one they likes.

- [camera beeps] - Hello, I am your chef, Bobby Hill.

What a crowd, what a crowd. Taste my rice, please.

- [camera beeps] - Hoo-boy!

It's hotter than a two-dicked dog out there.

So, pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and let Chef Bobby

- whip you up some vittles. - [tongs clacking]

- [camera beeps] - 'Sup?

Maybe I just need a catchphrase.

- [camera beeps] - More salt!

- [camera beeps] - Bwaah!

- [camera beeps] - You've been served. Food.

[Isabel groaning]

- [camera beeps] - [mimicking Steve Urkel] Did I cook that?

- [camera beeps] - You so hungry?

Mi-so soupy.

The suits in Burbank, they're gonna hate this.

- [water splashing] - [Hank sighs]

Nancy Gribble? I had no idea.

This changes things.

- Who else knows? - Let's see.

Bill, Boomhauer,

Bobby, Connie, Kahn, Minh.

Basically, everybody but Dale.

And he can never find out. It would kill him.

Of course, but I can't let an adulterer lead the marriage ministry.

We're not Unitarians. [Sighs]

I guess my only option is letting you two take over,

just until the end of the retreat.

Here's the materials Nancy used. Good luck.

Today's the day I was gonna power-wash the driveway.

Some dreams die hard.

♪♪

I don't get it. Why would a two-dicked dog be so hot?

[sighs] I don't know.

Please tell me some of that worked.

If she's that good a liar, she deserves to have my job.

[Bobby groaning]

We really wanted to be in the Bobby Hill business.

But hey, not everyone is meant to be on TV.

I'm sorry.

[♪ Somber guitar music plays]

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- [Bobby exclaiming] - [kitchenware clanking]

[Bobby yelling gibberish]

I thought you did good, Chef Bobby.

Well, the geniuses of Hollywood don't agree.

'Cause they're not looking for a great chef.

They're looking for "personality," whatever the hell that means.

Those pretentious idiots wouldn't know talent

if it was sous-vide-ed to the perfect temperature for them!

[Isabel] Are you getting this?

I am so sorry, ma'am.

- I did not mean that. - Are you kidding?

I'm craving more of that.

America loves a villain, somebody you love to hate.

And this show could use a heel.

[gasps] OMG! You can be "Bobby Heel"!

[laughing] "Heel" yeah!

Hey, it comes with a catchphrase!

I feel terrible.

Well, maybe they're takin' it better than we think.

[Dale crying loudly]

Oh, honey.

Dale, are you okay?

No! The pastor just gave us the boot!

No way. We are so shocked!

You probably think I'm overreacting,

but we loved teaching that class.

This is probably my fault.

She must have realized I'm not as good of a husband

as I pretend to be.

[Hank Hill] There, there. [Chuckles]

[crickets chirping outside]

Maybe smokin' a cigarette would make you feel better.

Only because it brings me closer to death.

[Dale wailing]

You don't think Reverend Karen

heard about any "un-Christian" behavior

that made her do this?

I do not see how she could have.

Sug, I know I'm not the ideal person to teach a marriage class,

but it always felt like a way to, I don't know, make it up to the universe.

Plus, coming out here, spending time with Dale,

it's been really good for our marriage.

- Nancy, I... - [Hank] Bwah!

Somethin' just ran across my foot!

- [rat squeaking] - [Dale] That's Money Problems.

He'll be devastated when I tell him we're done teaching.

He lives to educate.

♪♪

[Hank] Do you think Dale and Nancy read all these?

Maybe they know more than we gave them credit for.

Peggy, do you think we were too quick to judge 'em?

Like the way those stupid young couples judged us?

It is possible.

Dale and Nancy's marriage might look messy to us,

but 25 years later, they are still together.

Well, that says somethin', I'll tell you what.

[♪ Gentle music playing]

Uh, Peggy?

About what you said in class, you know, about staying home with Bobby...

It was my choice, too,

and I am very happy with how things turned out, Hank.

Okay, then. Good talk.

Poking and prodding over.

Hank, I just got an idea for our first lesson.

I think the young couples will really appreciate it.

Did I mention how they boil my shorts?

♪♪

Miguel, get your ass in gear, we don't have all day!

Hey, Emilio, you makin' salmon or salmonella?

Try cooking it. We don't want to kill our customers.

- [food sizzling] - I thought he meant "drill sergeant" mean,

not "mi abuela" mean.

Sandra, ew.

I wouldn't serve that slop in a prison cafeteria.

You know that I worked in a prison cafeteria

when I did time for tax fraud,

which I told you in confidence!

You're a monster,

and you're about to become America's favorite monster.

Move over, climate change!

So, I'm in?

Bobby Heel, King of the Grill,

master of the Nielsen Ratings!

Yes!

Thank you! Guys, did you hear that?

I'm gonna be on the show!

Maybe they'll launch us after Raven's House.

- Yeah, yeah. - Woo-hoo.

It's called Raven's Home, asshole.

[♪ Gentle dramatic music playing]

Folks, change of plans.

The Hills will be leading the retreat

for the rest of the weekend.

- What's that? - Really?

- Aw. - Okay.

Hey, everyone. We have come up

with a fun exercise of our own.

Welcome to the Contrition Cruise.

Grab a vest and climb aboard!

[group murmuring]

Are you gonna kill me like in The Godfather?

Don't Fredo me, Hank!

We just got some amazing B-roll on everybody you made cry.

Actually, I'm glad you stopped by.

I've been thinkin', and I can't be on King of the Grill.

What? Why not?

I love my staff, and being a jerk is not who I am.

So, if Bobby Heel is who I have to be to get on the show,

I don't wanna do it.

- I'm sorry. - No, no, I get it.

You want to be poor.

[door slams shut]

[groaning]

[♪ Gentle guitar music playing]

So, you're not doing the show?

No, and I need to apologize

for how I treated all of you.

Yeah, that was rough.

But it's good to have the old Bobby back.

And don't worry about some stupid show.

You got a long career ahead of you. You're just 21 years old.

Wait, seriously?

You're only 21? I thought you were, like, 40.

Why would you think that?

You referenced Urkel, Good Times, and Henny Youngman.

[imitating Rodney Dangerfield] Eh, tough crowd, tough crowd.

A 21-year-old running his own successful restaurant?

I can sell that!

"Bobby, the Boy Genius," "The Li'I Chef."

[gasps] No, wait! "Bobby the Kid."

Now, that guy could get away with, "Mi-so soupy."

So, I'm back in?

[Isabel] Mm-hmm.

[staff cheering]

- Yes! Yes! - Congratulations, Bobby!

- [water sloshing] - Okay, we can stop here.

Look at your canoes. You will see they have been given names.

Ours is called the "Relationship."

That one is "Fellowship."

And Dale and Nancy, yours is "Friendship."

And don't forget "Worship."

Uh-huh. Now, you'll notice the "Relationship"

is kinda old and banged up.

But that is okay.

All relation-ships have issues

because all people have flaws,

and we should not write someone off just because they are flawed.

Isn't that right, Reverend?

Well, the Bible does say, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Matthew 7:1.

And also, "It does not matter how many times you get knocked down",

"but how many times you get up." Lombardi, '67.

Hank and I have our issues.

For example, we have learned our communication skills

- could be a little better. - Right, Peggy.

And when your relation-ship has issues, you gotta fix it.

- [screwdriver thuds] - [water sloshing]

- [all gasp] - [Hank] In times like these,

we draw on our years of experience

to patch the issues in our relation-ship.

We get it. Just plug the damn hole.

I can't swim!

Don't freak out, Walter! Just help fix it!

Or are you gonna hire someone to fix it, like you always do?

Not fair, Amy. I was an English major,

- I have bad spatial skills. - No need to panic.

Dale, is there a bucket of tools next to ya?

Well, my God, there is. What are the odds?

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

- Ah! - [all gasp]

[Dale] Boy, tools sink a lot faster than you would think.

- Ah, okay, okay. - [Amy exclaiming]

- Now what, Hank? - Uh...

We have to work together, y'all.

Everybody paddle. We'll tow them back to shore.

Great plan, Babe.

[♪ Gentle suspenseful music playing]

Peggy, hold on!

- [water sloshing] - [♪ gentle suspenseful music continues]

Alright, "Friendship," we can do this!

- [water sloshing] - [♪ gentle suspenseful music continues]

[water gurgling]

We're going too slow!

They're taking on water, they're not gonna make it!

We need to make a sail!

- Everyone, take off your clothes! - [rowers grunting]

[♪ gentle suspenseful music continues]

- [buckle clicking, pants unzipping] - [all gasp]

Just me? Fine.

Enjoy the view.

[water sloshing]

[Dale singing] ♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael, rowed that boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelu-hu-hu-hu-hu-jah ♪

- [group cheering] - Praise God!

Thank you, Dale and Nancy.

We're grateful for your teamwork, your grace under pressure, and...

Dale, could you please put your clothes back on?

- [group murmuring agreement] - Read your Bible, Padre.

I'm "naked and unashamed."

Plus, the breeze feels refreshing on the ol' twig and berries.

[Dale whistling]

So, Hank and Peggy got the boot,

and Nancy and I were reinstated

as the Methodist Marriage Gurus.

- [Dale slurping] - Yep, congratulations, Dale.

As punishment, I have to sand and varnish all the pews.

Poor me.

The important thing is that God's work

is still being done.

Did Reverend Stroup ask about me? How did she look?

Did her robe get wet when she was in the water?

Oh man, that's like dang ol' sacrilege, man,

talkin' 'bout a woman of the cloth, man,

lightnin' bolt gonna smack you, man.

[♪ Rock music playing on stereo]

Hey, John Redcorn. Nancy's ready for her massage.

Hi, John.

You know, my headaches seem to have cleared up.

Really? Okay.

Let me know when they come back.

[♪ Gentle, melancholy music playing]

Why is John Redcorn leaving so soon?

Is Nancy's headache gone?

[♪ Gentle, melancholy music continues]

I guess it's a miracle.

[Hank slurping]

[♪ Bluegrass version of "Yahoos and Triangles" playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪ - ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ Song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps] - [crowd cheering]

♪♪

[Peggy Hill] The Lord would be lucky to have me.

[♪ Fanfare playing]