Original subtitles

(Upbeat tropical music)

What a hot cookie.

[Voiceover] So sexy.

(Girls laughing)

He's so delicious.

(Girls moaning)

A little faster gals, I'm starting to get a crust.

Don't you wanna join us in the cabana?

Thank toots, but I'm not feelin' it.

Oh, are you feeling a bit crummy?

Just thinkin', if it weren't for that stupid floozy

At that bakery who turned me into this,

I'd be blowin' custard all over all three of ya.

(Girls laughing)

Look at me, I'm shootin' flour here.

Don't be so down on yourself.

I've been sitting on my lard for far too long.

I promised my momma that I'd finish what I started.

And I never lie to Mama.

It's high time that I find that gal

And cut her down to size.

But how ya gonna find her?

What's this?

Huh.

Holy shit!

[Voiceover] Who is it?

It's that bitch that turned me into this

Tasty shell of a man.

What are ya gonna do when you find her?

I'm gonna fuckin' kill her!

That's awesome!

(Girls laughing)

You're the best cookie!

[Voiceover] He's so hot!

(Suspenseful music)

(String grunting)

Would ya stop gruntin' all over the merch, man?

That shit costs money.

Man, that shit's heavy!

You are wheezin' like a beaver, bro Frazier.

You sure you're cut out for this gig?

You aren't payin' me.

You are doin' a great job, dude.

Just be careful with the goods.

All this shit is comin' outta my own pocket.

How could I forget, you sound like a broken record.

Take it down a notch, Tarzan, you are at a nine

And I need ya at a six.

Fuck off!

That is blatant insubordination right there,

Which is how an uprising starts.

Smack talk leads to black helicopters,

And the ape resistance is never far behind.

Man, I've been workin' my ass off all day

Without so much as a break!

Handlin' all this beautiful merchandise.

It's a shame none of it's ever been tested first.

Well, we don't sell used merchandise.

All right, say I'm a paying customer

And I wanted to buy this right here, and I promised

A couple hot ass bitches to get 'em flyin'.

Then it's all plugged up, don't even work!

Then they bring it back as defective.

Dude, it's more than defective man,

I didn't get laid because of you.

You wanna get a rap as a cock blocker?

You got a good point, you don't have the hooch,

Ya don't get the pooch.

(Lighter fires)

Give me some of that before I revolt.

(String inhaling)

(String coughing)

You are a beast with that bong.

Cool it down man, you're gonna start a tornado in here.

This is how I let society keep the boot around my neck.

Otherwise, I'd be a rager emerged world.

Incredibly creepy.

What's all the commotion out here?

Your body is a wonderland.

We're just settin' up shop out here.

Looks like it.

(Music of wonderment)

Ya know, if that mail away business course

Taught me anything, rewarding employees

Begets higher profits.

He looks rewarded, doesn't he?

Pull my string baby.

Maybe not so much with the happy from now on, Lerno.

Yeah, might've been a bit overzealous.

Just a tad, but you always have the best of intentions

Which is why you're going to be a huge success.

Thanks.

(Psychedelic music)

Those fairies are a good idea for the shop, bro.

Employee discount!

- We'll talk about it. - Yeah!

[Larnell] How's the office lookin'?

Everything is in its place, and the computer

Is all set up.

Thanks tiny dancer, ya know I couldn't do this without ya.

Hey, you did all the heavy lifting, I'm just here to help.

Speaking of, how'd you get into the business anyways?

Well, that's a long story.

And a really messed up one.

Tellin' ya, they should make a movie about this shit.

It all started when I was a worker drone, like yourself.

Not a business man like I am now, but we'll get to that.

(Upbeat rap music)

Large bong for sale, originally purchased

In the 1960's in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner claims it was possessed.

[Larnell] My best buds and I were slackers right,

Always gettin' stoned and buyin'

Stupid crap off the Internet, then one day

We get this knock on the door,

And the best worst package of our lives showed up.

Are you Larnell?

What do you want, bro?

Package for ya.

Larnell, perhaps it's the item?

[Larnell] Item.

You've been waiting for?

Item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

(Upbeat rap music)

[Larnell] It was beautiful, man.

And then, it turned into a nightmare.

You won't believe it dude, but that bong was evil.

It was an evil freakin' bong.

It's name, Ebee, and she was a nasty bitch.

Once you smoke from it, ya get taken into the

Bong World, where your deepest desires come true.

Only it turns your desires against you.

(Man groaning)

Monkey.

(Static)

(Disembodied whispers)

(Rock music)

[Ebee] Welcome honey, welcome, make yourself at home.

(Voice laughing)

We have everything here that you desire.

Goth boobs, huh?

That's cool, that's cool.

(Skulls growling)

Oh that feels good.

(Man screaming)

It's the bong, man, it's evil.

Well if it's dangerous, then why'd you

Put it up for sale?

I didn't put it up for sale, man.

My wife, she sold it man, I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels collection, man I miss those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bong?

I don't think it can be stopped, man.

[Ebee] I could take him with my

Hands tied behind me, come on, come on!

You know you not gonna win, Jimbo baby!

Yeah, but I ain't gonna lose either.

Put this in your pipe, you evil bitch.

No, no, no!

(Bomb explodes)

I can't believe we got outta there alive.

I got so high once, I woke up in a zoo.

They kept feedin' me so I stayed there for a week.

(Man laughs)

Nice work.

Well I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet.

(Mystical music)

Hey, any of you dingle berries know where we are?

I think maybe we took a wrong turn at the river.

Dude, we took a wrong turn at Kimona,

This was the dumbest idea.

No, it wasn't.

Look, in order to cure your afflictions,

We need to research the bong's origins,

We need to find where Jimbo bought the bong,

In order to do that, we need to find where he was

Serving in the peace corps in the 60's.

Ah, cannibal chick!

Who are you guys, and what do you want?

We, my name is Allister and we're from California.

We seem to be a bit lost, Miss...

Felicity.

[Larnell] We thought we were rid of Ebee for good,

But like a bad buzz she came back with a vengeance.

But when it came to King Bong, she was a sweetheart.

Oh man, it's the evil fuckin' bong.

Who put her back together?

Well, it's good to see you too.

Welcome to the jungle, mofo!

Look, there's another one of 'em.

Glad you took that dick out yo ass so you could see me!

It's amazing, it appears to have been here for centuries!

Oh but I still got it, suga!

Let me know if you ever want a little taste of this, hmm?

This bong can talk too, just like the other one?

Don't let him play ya girl, he ain't

All he's talked up to be.

[Larnell] And I haven't even mentioned

The Poontang Tribe.

Must be the Poontang Tribe.

I'll say!

Oh, you don't understand, there's never been any proof

That they ever existed.

No one's ever seen them before.

(Man screaming)

OK girls.

(Laser beam shooting) (man screaming)

[King Bong] Oh yeah.

Ah, what happened to the delivery dude?

He's right there, on the floor.

Come on now girls, show 'em what you're workin' with.

Help, I'm a fuckin' doobie!

[Both] He's tiny!

Now! Ah!

Wait, what the hell is goin' on over here?

Wait a minute, what is that!

Boy, you'd better give me that necklace back,

Don't you touch that necklace.

You know how much money I spent on that shit.

You better not, boy, ow why you gotta,

Boy I will whoop your monkey ass, do you understand me?

Don't you hit me again, please don't hit me!

Please, I'm gonna have to kill you!

Ow, Mama!

Somebody please!

(Bong mumbling)

(Bong exploding)

You left one thing out of your story.

They were skanks?

We are so done talking about them.

Yip!

Your grandpa, don't forget about him,

God rest his soul.

Oh, I've been tryin' to forget about gramps,

But not enough good weed in the world can do that.

Hey now, he played an important part in all of this.

He sure did, that insulting old turd.

(Bright twinkling)

What the fuck are you doing here?

Well if that's the way you're gonna play it

Then that's on a need to know too.

What you need to know, sonny boy,

Is that if your ensy weensy teeny little penis

Was a worm on a hook, it wouldn't feed a God d*#* guppy!

Hey, how 'bout I just leave you two to your

Little love fest here, OK?

Who was it summoned the good doctor?

That'd be me, Gramps.

[Grandpa] You?

Actually Gramps, we kinda need your help.

The only help you're likely to get from me

Is a retroactive abortion.

[Larnell] He's the one who led us

Into that jungle in the first place.

I have it all under control, Earth. (Laughs)

Shit, Larnell was right, these aliens are

Gonna totally work us over!

[Larnell] And then that alien bong fell to Earth,

And he thought he could use it to take over

The world's weed business.

(Man making karate noises)

[Alien Bong] Oh, I feel that something is amiss.

No, no, no!

(Electric noises)

(Bong exploding)

We barely got outta there alive, again.

Yeah, but if it wasn't for your gramps,

We would never have met.

Every rose has its freakin' thorn, man.

That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard, man.

Alien bongs, king bongs, evil bongs...

Insubordination...

Eat a dick, Dick!

The hardest part to believe is you got friends.

Where are they, call 'em up.

Well, we don't talk about them anymore.

Hey baby, why don't ya go out with a real man?

Once you go small, you're never gonna go tall.

You are the worst employee ever, freak!

How am I gonna build an empire on your shoulders?

You're not.

OK, while you two lovebirds sort this out,

I've got a real job to go to.

Oh, don't go yet babe.

I'll come back after work.

(Sighs) That's cool, but bein' the boss

Is a lot tougher than I thought.

Hey, keep your eye on the prize.

Big profits, big future, big ring!

The biggest.

You know, we've never really talked about it,

But I am so glad that evil bong is nowhere to be found.

Oh yeah, it's long gone.

I don't know if it was destroyed

Or lost to time and space, but I'm just glad that it's gone.

And I hope it stays that way.

Of course it's gonna stay that way, I mean

Why wouldn't it, she is gone for good, totally gone.

Never gonna come back.

Are you OK?

Yeah, perfect, perfect, I am perfect.

Completely fine.

You're acting weird.

Well that's what studs act like.

OK, I'll see ya later.

Love you.

Love you dude.

(Sighs) She makes me wanna touch myself.

(Suspenseful music)

(Bell rings and door opens)

(Door closes)

(Slow drum beat)

Well it's time to make some greenbacks, Tarzan.

Now listen, I want ya to keep an eye on

Those two morphodites.

Why?

Well, to my trained eye, they look like

People of nefarious taste.

Check it out.

That's nice.

To my untrained eye, they're in a head shop,

And they're your only customers all day.

See, this is why I'm the big boss man.

Watch and learn Romeo.

Phase one is to make the customers believe

Ya have a superior product.

Knucks.

So what the hell are you two lookin' for?

We were maybe in the market to procure a,

Like bong or somethin'.

Well freaks, I'm sorry to tell you that you are

In the wrong place for such dubious treasures.

We don't sell bongs, we are solely in the business

Of selling water pipes.

(Scoffs) Cut the shit, Dick.

My name's not Dick, that's just the name of the dude

Who used to run this place.

I am the new purveyor of this establishment,

And my name's Larnell.

Whatever, people don't use these things

To blow bubbles, we wanna score a gnarly bong,

And we wanna blaze our future away, man.

Yeah! We got like, cash and shit.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well phase one's accomplished, ya wanna know

What phase two is?

Yeah, kill the shit out of 'em.

Completely false, phase two, we up sell the poor bastards.

(Clears throat)

Well I see you guys have taken a liking to

Some of our inferior products, but what I think

You really want, is something along the lines of this, hmm?

This is the mother of all paraphernalia, my friend.

Look Dick...

Larnell.

We just wanna get so high, our future great grandchildren

Are like, disappointed.

Yeah, and we ain't buyin' anything until we try it first.

Ya wanna try it before you can buy it?

That's right, and if you got a problem with that,

We're outta here man.

Well I'd like to see ya try.

Pinochle, just seein' how serious ya were.

We're like, fucking serious.

Then allow me to demonstrate.

(Bag rustling)

Get a little bit of the sacred plant here.

Ya just...

(Ominous music)

Sweet mother of pearl.

Now that is some of the finest bud you will ever smoke.

Smokin' skunk outta this baby, like fartin' in a Corvette.

Wanna take it for a test drive?

Thanks.

Strap it up.

Like on my head?

Dude, ya do it like this.

OK.

Now you're gonna wanna take a nice,

Long smooth toke.

(Man inhaling)

Suck it in, breathe it in deep.

Ya notice how smooth it is, but it's got some

Serious Beyonce ass behind it, right?

That's some rad weed, Dick!

I mean, I'm not sure, I'll have to try it again.

Yeah, me too.

Really?

(Bells ringing and door opening)

(Hokey music)

(Rings bell)

Hello, hello.

I got this one.

Remember squire, phase one and phase two.

Gotcha, it's workin' wonders for you so far.

Insubordination?

What do ya want, pig?

I've been workin' on a line of merchandise

That I think'll be perfect for your store.

(Native music)

What the fuck is that supposed to be?

Ooga booga.

I'll be frank with you, old Hambo could use

A bit of coin, a little light in the hay loft.

I was thinkin' we could maybe work out

Some other kind of a trade or a consignment,

Somethin' like that, what do ya say, what do ya say?

Yeah piggy, I could help ya out all right. (Laughs)

Ya know, I'm just gonna hang right here and

Wait for your pal over there, OK, OK?

(Couple speaking in a foreign language)

Help you?

(Speaking in a foreign language)

This ain't the fucking zoo, Wang!

(Speaking in a foreign language)

OK, OK.

But I'd totally Pokemon your chick! (Laughs)

Boobzilla unleashed.

(Speaking in foreign language)

Look Chen, what are ya gonna buy?

No buy.

Yes buy.

No, no, no, no, no, no I, yes, direction, OK?

Car broken, no buy OK?

Not OK, you drove your stupid asses in here

To buy some expensive shit, that's what ya did!

(Speaking in a foreign language)

Direction, gotcha.

I gotcha all right.

(Speaking in a foreign language)

Oh, this is too much. (Laughs)

You help me?

Not a chance, but can I take your picture?

Huh?

Clickie, clickie.

Oh OK picture, OK.

Yeah, yeah, OK.

Mean little dude, you move, chicky, chicky move,

Yeah yeah, that's right, that's right.

You, OK now, hold your steering wheel out a little

Like that, that's it.

Come on, oh that's it, that's it!

Big, come on, come on, a big smile for me.

A big, big smile, that's it.

(Pig laughing)

I can't beelieve how perfect this is.

(Pig laughing)

This is exactly what I was looking for.

Thank ya a lot, that'll do.

(Pig laughing)

(Couple speaking in a foreign language)

(Whirling music)

(Couple speaking in a foreign language)

Fuck you man, next time, I kill you!

Next time I come in, I kill you, fuck you!

(Door opens)

OK dudes, you've test driven everything I got,

And you've smoked all my best weed.

Look, don't be like a dick, Dick.

It's time to put your money where your zit face is.

We don't have any money!

But ya said ya had like tons of cash.

Yeah, but thanks for getting us, like

Totally fucked up, Dick!

Yeah Broheim, the children are our future so,

Our future's totally fucked bro!

String, escort these d bags outta my shop.

(Stoners laughing)

Get the fuck out!

(Door opening)

(Suspenseful music)

No one's ever gonna guess this mondo combo.

(Suspenseful music)

(Ebee mumbling)

If Felicity knew about you, I'd be ankle deep in horse shit.

You are one nasty bitch, dude.

But somehow, I am gonna figure out your secrets.

Gramps willed ya to me when he croaked.

He was such an ass hole, used you

For all his ass hole schemes, but I think

You can be used for good, man.

But until I figure that out, you are

Nothin' but a paperweight.

(Ebee mumbling)

Ah!

She thrives on weed, if I keep her deprived of it,

She'll be cool, I think.

(Door opens)

Crap.

(Ebee mumbling)

Those d bags give ya any trouble out there?

Nope.

What took ya so long?

Well just keep your eye out, OK?

That was some sweet Kush they were smokin'.

I got a feelin' they'll be back.

I got a feelin' they won't.

Again, the reason why I'm the head honcho,

Lindsey Brohan, ya gotta have extra sensory

Perception to be the big boss man around here.

Now keep your eye out, I feel like trouble's

Gonna be walkin' through that door any second.

I'm gonna do some big boss man shit over here, OK?

(Cash register rings)

Let's see here.

(Door opens and closes)

Hello sir, how are you on this fine day?

I don't answer personal questions.

Are you the proprietor of this store?

Does not compute, bro.

Are you the owner?

Not yet.

And whom might the owner be?

That would be...

Ah!

Rabbit?

Larnell!

That's the one.

It's so good to see you!

No it's not, I told you I never wanted to

See you again, as long as I live.

Easily arranged.

Every time I see you, it's a giant pain in my ass.

Oh, I assure you, my friend, I have changed my ways.

I've heard that tune before, man.

It sucked the first time, really blew the second time,

And the third time was total butt vomit.

I have learned from my past mistakes.

Really, because the last time I saw you,

You were a priest.

That was a momentary lapse of reason.

Are you aware that it's frowned upon to

Grow weed at a monastery?

Fuckers, the sacred plant is God's gift

For bad days and ass holes.

That's what I said, and apparently it's a huge no no

Selling it out of confessionals.

Total buzz kill.

Fact.

I don't care man, OK?

I'm movin' on and I'm not lookin' back.

You and I are more alike than you think, my friend.

I too am a business man.

He's a travelin' salesman.

That's true, and the outdoors is my office.

Well then, why don't you go back to your office?

There's the door.

Hey, give me a minute, would ya?

I didn't know this was your store when I walked into it.

And a fine store it is, too.

Where are the other guys?

Yeah, where are they?

We don't talk about them anymore.

OK?

Gotcha, and if I may say, you were

Always the brainiac of the group.

Yeah, Larnell, you're doin' good, you're gonna do good,

You're already doin' good, look at this place!

Ya know, you may be interested in what your

Old friend Rabbit has in this case.

Maybe, but probably not.

But, for old times sake, you've got exactly one minute.

Go.

(Sinister music)

Whoa.

Dude.

That's Ebee.

That's right, all handcrafted, branded,

Official merchandise based on that damn evil bong.

But you don't own the rights to Ebee.

Does it really matter?

Ya know, really?

It's not like she's really around.

I gotta admit it's some really gnarly merch.

Yep, told ya.

You won't find this anywhere else, my friends.

I'm the sole maker, supplier, distributor

In the Western Hemisphere of the known universe,

That's a pretty wide area of penetration,

If I do says so myself.

And I even have a few trademarks in the works.

So you're keeping all the profits for yourself.

Yes, I mean no.

Ya know Larnell, it was Kizmit

That I walked into your store today.

Maybe, but probably not.

Every time I see you Rabbit, it's like I'm getting

Finger blasted in my ass hole with a razor blade.

Let me make it up to ya, Larnell, here.

A little medicine for Papa?

Let's see here.

It's all sticks and skunk, man.

It's worthless.

It's still got a good kick to it.

You're not gettin' anything in my shop

Unless ya pay for it.

Well, I wish there was something I could,

You were always kind of goodish to me.

Well that cookie looks pretty tasty.

That cookie looks pretty tasty, Rabbit.

(Rabbit moaning)

My groin's all tingly. (Laughs)

I can't believe I'm sayin' this about a cookie but,

That is one sexy lookin' cookie.

Ya know where I can get one?

It's a brand new bakery down the street,

Dough Re Mi Bakery, it's run by this real hot chick.

She reminded me of Luann.

Oh whoa, didn't ya read the sign, man?

Every time I hear that chick's name it's like

A bad acid trip.

Sorry Larnell.

Did you come back into my life just to torture it, huh?

It's just been a long day, man, all I can think about

Are those damn cookies.

Where was that place again?

It's close by, you can walk there.

All right shoestring, now I want ya to

Man the joint, OK?

Keep an eye on this guy.

Don't let him touch anything or do anything.

Rabbit, now I want ya to sit in that back room

And not do anything.

Don't touch anything, don't say anything, kapish?

You don't have to worry about me!

Famous last words.

(Door opens and closes)

(People talking)

(Curious music)

What can I get ya?

What one's the hardest one to reach?

Huh?

Huh?

Oh nothing, uh, uh, uh...

I want this one.

No! Not that one!

I really had my heart set on this one right here.

No! Not that one.

They're all the same.

No they're not.

This one's much better.

Okie Doke.

Oh that's it, that's the one.

I can't seem to get my hands on it.

Oh you will, just keep tryin'.

(Man moaning)

Oh, hey!

Oh!

Hey, I told you the other day to get outta here

And I meant it!

Got it!

We're cool.

Next time I see you, I'm callin' the cops.

Yeah, get out!

(Door opens)

I can't believe some people.

(Door shuts)

That was really hard core of you though, I mean

I've never seen you bark like that at somebody before.

Believe me, the old me would've never talked like that.

Certain things in life changes you.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the turning point?

I don't like to talk about it.

But, let me just say, that it taught me life's a gift,

And it's far too short to take crap from anybody.

You have to stand up, stick up, and fight for what's right

If you're gonna make it in this world.

Because nobody is gonna do it for you.

Whoa you sounded just totally like the Terminator!

(Women laugh)

Oh, and speaking of moving up in the world...

(Woman laughs)

The paper came.

I haven't read it yet, I wanted you to read it first.

Front page of how great the bakery is?

Can you believe it?

Best in the city!

Well, what's it say?

Nothing, it's just a stupid article.

Bake for her life, blah, blah, blah.

Dough Re Mi, yea!

Lone survivor of the serial killer Millard Findelmeyer?

That's you?

I'm so irritated at that stupid reporter.

She said she wouldn't mention that part of my life.

Just focus on the bakery.

Well ya have to admit, I mean, it's a

Pretty good sellin' point.

You're a celebrity!

Come on, tell me the whole story, I mean,

There is always more.

I just really wanna forget about

The whole thing, really, OK?

I'll never bring it up again, pinky swear.

I always loved diners, and I dreamed of owning one

On my own at one point,

Until that day.

(Sparkling music)

And I'm required to do what my mother always taught me,

And that's to finish what I started.

And I'm not gonna kill ya, but I have to honor my mother.

(Suspenseful music)

Can't, Mother.

Ah! (gun fires)

Ah!

[Sarah] I gave up the diner dream, of course.

My mom and I, we opened up a small bakery instead.

It also says here, that after they fried him

In the chair, they cremated him, and sent his

Ashes to his mother in Coonsboro.

How sick is that!

[Sarah] Somehow he came back as a cookie,

And he killed all my friends and family.

(Electricity sparking)

(Disembodied whispers)

(Gingerdead man laughing)

But I got him in the end.

That's my story, that's who I am today.

Whoa, that explains the funky gingerbread cookies.

They're about your real story with that psycho.

I struggled for years to get that outta my life.

Finally I just decided to own him.

Ya know, it's a part of me.

When life gives you lemons, I make gingerbread men.

You are a freakin' super hero.

I am not a hero. (Laughs)

I'm just somebody who did the right thing.

But you're normal.

I mean, most of the time you meet survivors and,

You know, they're not like you.

What, they wear capes and utility belts?

No but, ya know, like they get all messed up,

And then they walk around smellin' like cat pee.

I was almost the cat pee lady, I couldn't bake for years.

I couldn't even be around flour or eggs without

Freaking out, and then one day, something just changed.

Like, a switch was flicked.

And I realized that life has to go on.

I got Millard in the end, and if I stop livin' my life

Because of him, that means that he would've won.

Heavy.

Don't make a big deal about it, I'm over it!

I just want the world to enjoy my cookies.

Well, if that's your goal, then maybe you should've

Started with that perv back there.

Hey!

(Women laughing)

All I know is that Millard Findelmeyer is dead, OK?

He won't be bothering anybody anymore.

(Crowds talking)

Hey, how's it goin'?

Good, how can I help you?

Name's Larnell, I actually own a store

Right down the street and I was hopin' maybe we could

Talk some business, but first, I have gotta get

One of those cookies.

Awesome.

So fuckin' good.

I got you now, bitch.

I always thought because you turned me into this,

You could reverse it somehow, but I want you dead

Just as much as I wanna be a man again,

Gonna make Mama proud tonight.

(Rabbit humming)

Larnell said don't touch anything.

(Laughs) Larnell said don't say anything.

(Laughs)

Oh maybe he's right, I can't control my urges.

Well screw you Larnell, some stallions can't be fenced in.

I'll show you skunk and sticks.

(Ebee mumbling)

I knew this was good, I'm hearing the angels.

(Disembodied mumbling)

Keep talkin' lady, I'll find ya.

(Ebee mumbling)

Gotcha.

(Laughs) Oh dang, 420.

(Laughs) What kind of idiot would do such an

Obvious combination to, Larnell.

Holy shit!

Get me outta here!

I really don't think I should.

Come on!

Hey!

Get me mother fucker!

(Ebee moaning)

I never thought I'd see the likes of you again.

Remove the gag!

OK, OK, OK.

OK. Come on!

Come on!

(Ebee mumbling)

I've kinda overstepped my boundaries already, I think.

Shit for brains, open...

Hey, there's no call for that.

Come on!

I'll do it on one condition.

Anything.

You keep your voice down, and you don't

Tell Larnell about any of this, he'll tan my hide.

(Mumbles)

That sounds like a deal.

Ah, Ah!

Better?

Oh yeah!

Been in there a long time?

Woo, been in that fuckin' safe forever!

It's been lonely in there, huh?

Oh, mm mm mm!

Weedsy.

You seem a little out of it, I'm not sure if

Weed is the right thing for you right now.

Your weed, cracker!

What about my weed?

It brought me back, weed is life.

(Laughs) Tell me about it.

Shut up stupid.

Hey, I'm a little cranky too when I first wake up

And I just, the way this conversation is going

I'm just gonna let it pass.

Listen, listen, listen!

Your weed sucks!

It isn't strong enough.

Beggars can't be choosers lady, this is all we got.

Baby, I need some real Kush,

To make me whole again.

Well, sorry.

Check that place, come on, check it, come on!

Oh.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh hey!

Yeah baby, that's what I'm talkin' about, smoke that shit!

Come on, smoke it, come on!

(Laughs) I really shouldn't.

Don't you wanna see some fine ass titties, hmm?

Always!

Put it in me baby, come on!

OK, I shouldn't be doin' this I don't think, but fuck it.

Come on baby, pack me.

Come on baby!

Make me feel good, come on with it!

Woo yeah!

That's right, come on, come on, come on.

Oh now, suck me, woo yeah baby, suck me!

Woo yeah!

Oh that's right, woo Lord!

Baby I am back!

What the...

What the hell is goin' on in here!

Holy shit dip!

Get your little ass over here and smoke this shit.

(String screaming)

Get back here, come back here!

Mm, man these are fuckin' awesome.

Thank you!

Sorry about the language, just don't know

How else to describe 'em.

I'll take whatever compliment comes my way.

Holy shit ass hole, do you ever shut up?

Go on and get outta here so I can get to killin' already!

So I was sayin' that I own this store down the street.

Ya know, I'm thinkin' that your bakery and my store

Might have a little synergistical chemistry.

Ya know, maybe we can do a little cross-promotionalization?

Somethin' to kinda help us both out?

How's that?

Well, seems like your bakery is in the business

Of curing the munchies, while my store is in the

Business of providing the munchies, so to speak.

What kinda store do you say you own again?

Ya know Dick Head Shop?

I mean, Dick's Head Shop, that one.

Is that the one in the empty space next to the eyesore?

No, I actually own the eyesore.

Oh, I'm sorry, that is not my thing.

Look, I promise you it'll be worth your time, OK?

I've totally turned things around, it's actually

Pretty nice inside, all classy and shit.

I don't know.

Well, of course ya don't know because ya haven't seen it.

Come on, give me five minutes and I promise ya

You will change your mind.

What do ya say dude, totally respectable environment.

What do ya say?

You wanker, I saw her first.

She's mine.

Just like that horrible Boys II Men song,

I'm gonna get on bended knee.

(Laughs) OK, for five minutes.

You headin' out?

Do you promise you and Larry won't blow the place up

While I'm gone?

Scout's honor.

(Woman laughs)

Awesome, peace.

(Gasps) Shit, don't do that!

(Larry laughing)

I couldn't resist.

Mm.

Sorry honey, looks like you're next.

(Female laughs)

Sarah's gonna fire us both if we don't

Get these cookies done!

Screw the cookies, I'm more interested in your buns.

She said she'd be back in five minutes!

Good, then we can do it twice. (Laughs)

(Upbeat techno music)

Oops! (Laughs)

(Larry mumbles)

Kinky!

(Larry laughs)

(Suspenseful music)

(Couple laughing)

(Gingerdead man growling)

Yeah, makes me wanna kneed my dough.

(Larry moaning)

Where are you going?

I gotta clean up before Sarah gets back.

I don't think I can walk yet.

(Suspenseful music)

I prefer semi-sweet, honey.

(Woman screams)

(Gingerdead man laughing)

(Suspenseful music)

You call that a long john?

How 'bout some crushed nuts!

(Larry screams)

(Gingerdead man laughs)

You work for a nice appetizer.

Now for the main course.

(Door opening)

Well as you can see, we're still kinda settin' up,

But we've made a lot of progress.

It's actually a lot nicer than I thought it would be.

I told ya I run a smooth operation.

Dude! (Larnell screams)

We need to talk about somethin'.

Can't you see I'm with a VIP?

It's really fucking important, bro.

This here is the finest selection of water pipes

On the market.

Notice the quality.

I'm sorry, I'm just not so sure it's good for the bakery

To be in business with a head shop.

I have nothing against it for medical purposes...

Ya know, I never touch the stuff, I never have.

I'm only in this for the business, and I'd

Never sell to somebody who doesn't have a limp.

Mm hmm.

Check this out.

It's actually kinda beautiful.

Yeah?

Despite what it's used for.

Some people even collect it like it's art.

Yeah. Hmm.

I like your shirts.

Thanks, it's like one stop shoppin', ya know.

Like Target?

Smells like a cookie.

Oh, yeah?

Hmm.

Who's Luann?

What's up, stupid?

Ha ha, ah, ugh I heard you bought this dump.

Woo!

Who's the skank?

Your girlfriend?

Hey, don't talk to her like that,

She's a very important business woman.

No, I'd never.

(Gasp) You should.

I bet you do slut, a lot.

Oh, I really do, and I love it.

That's what I've heard.

Mm, from your daddy?

Get outta my face before...

Oh I'd love to see you try something.

Oh I don't try, I do!

Then do it, skanky legs.

Whoa, ladies, relax OK?

Whatevs.

So, where are your queer bait friends, by the way?

Leave 'em alone, Luann.

They're happy...

Yeah dude, I wanna hear this.

Where are those friends of yours?

OK, I'll say it once and that's it.

Allister engineered and improved

Zero gravity shitters for the space station.

(Luann laughs)

Apparently there was a big problem with that.

And well, Bachman and Brett, you know what happened.

- Say it. - Say it, dude.

Well, I shoulda seen it comin'.

It was so obvious, all the giggling, the

Glassy-eyed longing looks.

High fives turned into low fives, if ya know what I mean.

And Monkey, just a code word for, ya know.

Anyway, they got hitched in San Fran,

And they're running a Pilates studio.

That is my favorite bedtime story.

Ya know what Luann, I am in the middle of

A business meeting, now can you get out?

I want Brett, I want Brett!

Bring Brett to me please! Out, out.

Ow!

(Door opens and shuts)

(Larnell sighs)

That was interesting.

Sorry about that, wasn't very professional.

It was really professional.

Really?

I would've knocked her block off.

Well I guess the deal's off?

Not at all, I like the way that you handled it. (Laughs)

I'll do it.

For reals?

Mm hmm, I have faith in you.

Maybe just make up some signs and I'll put it

In the bakery, and then I'll do the same for you?

Yeah, awesome, I knew you'd come around.

It's gonna be cool.

(Laughs) Well, I need to get back.

When the cat's away...

Don't I know it.

Dude!

There's a wicked bitch in the office, and that

Stupid dude smoked off the bitch, and now

The dude is gone, dude!

Why didn't ya say somethin' Lindsay Brohan?

Is somebody hurt?

I'm not fuckin' goin' in there!

(Larnell screams)

What in the name of Don Cheadle?

That's right cracker, I'm alive,

And I'm pissed the fuck off!

What is goin' on in here?

Oh, you gonna get it, right up your skinny ass!

Dude, this can not be happening right now,

But it's Rabbit we're talkin' about,

So of course it's happening.

What'd you do with him?

I didn't do shit to that grease ball,

He did it to himself.

He couldn't resist ya, could he?

Of course not dummy, and it was easy.

Promised that horn dog a titty, and he was

Suckin' on me like a baby.

Figures, well it was nice knowin' ya Rabbit,

'Cause I'm not savin' ya this time, man.

I am not goin' back into the Bong World again,

Ya stupid son of a bitch.

Ha! That's what you think!

(Bong laughs)

Do you mind explaining to me

What the hell is goin' on here?

Well I don't think I can, but just so ya don't think

I'm completely crazy...

(Inhaling smoke)

(Slow-paced music)

(Deep growling)

(Gingerdead man screams) (String screams)

Hey doughnut hole.

That's really messed up.

I told ya so, dude.

Oh baby, you know you wanna come suck on me,

I'm a real woman!

That bitch is so skinny, there's no milk in her cartons.

Mm mm mm.

Shut up, ya little she devil.

I need to think.

Oh child, look honey, I don't shut up, I grow up.

And when I see you, I fuck you up!

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, man.

I gotta have some pacin' room.

Hey, whatcha doin', wait, wait, whatcha doin',

Put me down boy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow!

Hey, oh no, nice new digs ya got here!

Too bad you gonna die in it!

Can't you shut her up?

No, she's not gonna stop until she gets what she wants.

And what is that exactly?

Well, she wants us to smoke from her

So she can get stronger.

I'm sorry to disappoint you lady, but I don't

Do that type of thing.

Oh you will chicken head.

String, oh come on man, where'd ya go?

Now is not the time to bug out on us.

Oh honey, he gone!

Gone?

Gone where?

(Sarah screams)

I found him.

[Ebee] Ew Lord that's a bad way to go!

(Couple screaming)

Ginger-vitis man!

Now kiss your ass good bye!

Who the hell was that?

I also have a past.

An aggressive one, dude!

Oh, way to go lame ass, how they supposed to smoke from me

When ya just scared 'em off?

Shut your pie hole.

What the hell are you anyway?

What the hell am I?

What the fuck are you?

I'm your worse nightmare, if ya keep

Lippin' off like that.

Whatever, fuck newton, and check that bow tie

Poindexter, your mama dress you?

Don't you ever mention my mama again.

Mama issues, huh?

Happens to the best of 'em.

You wanna see your mama again, don't ya?

I wanna kill that bitch in the next room.

Then see my mama.

I can make that happen, ya know.

I can make all your deepest desires a reality.

You can make me a man again?

Instead of a fucking cookie?

Oh yes, anything you want baby.

Don't crumble on me, but first you gotta do

Somethin' for me.

What's that?

All ya have to do, is wrap that sassy mouth

Around me and take a toke.

Just one is all it takes.

That sounds great lady, but I'll save

The victory high for later.

I got some unfinished shit to attend to first.

You'll be back, ya crazy mother fucker.

(Gingerdead man struggling)

Why'd I come in here again?

To save me, I would hope.

Well, I do have a white knight quality about me.

[Gingerdead man] Fuckin' ax.

But I digress, there is no way out of this room dude!

(Larnell screams)

Here's Gingy!

We are goners if he gets through that door, dude.

Don't you have any weapons in here?

No, this is a respectable establishment.

Stand back little lady, I'm about to do some

Jean Claude Van Damage.

(Making karate noises)

[Gingerdead man] Fuck!

Damn, maybe it's a smoke show in here.

- Mm, weed! - We gotta do this.

Now is not the time for that.

It's our only chance.

I knew you'd come back, stud.

Yeah, pack that shit good.

I'm so tight!

Now the only way this is gonna work is if we

Both take a hit at the same time.

Not a chance.

Oh prude!

I thought you didn't do that shit.

If there were an Olympics for smokin' weed,

I'd be the all time champ.

I'm gonna use your spleen as a candy dish.

This champ's about to save your life.

Come on baby, come on, come on, toke me, suck me.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!

Whew Lord, ah welcome to my world!

Ah, mm mm mm, that felt good!

Holy shit, that bitch is slippery!

You want her, you gotta go get her.

Listen, she ain't ever gettin' outta me.

You know what you gotta do, come on, come on baby.

And then I'll be a man again, right?

You'll be a cock bull stud, woo yeah!

What the hell, I've done worse.

You got any Sabbath around here?

Sure we have, come on.

Take it in! Shit, that's harsh!

Oh child, you don't even know the half of it,

My little cookie man.

(Gingerdead man screaming) (crickets chirping)

(Suspenseful music)

What is this place?

Well, it's whatever you want it to be.

Why a jungle?

Oh I've seen it before, your deepest desires

Become a reality, but like a fun house mirror

At a super shitty carnival.

(Shimmering music)

That's not so bad then.

Oh it's bad, everything gets all twisted

And turns against ya, so it's best if ya

Just keep your mind blank Mila Brovovich.

It's probably easier for you than me.

(Dog barks)

You're gonna get creamed!

Dat right, man.

(Speaking in foreign language)

(Sarah laughs)

- You who! - What?

I'm not a hoe, I just needed da dough!

(Sarah laughs)

Really?

Sorry.

That's kinda weird.

I was expecting something better.

This place sucks, lying bitch!

There's somebody in here.

Hey, that's me, handsome son of a bitch.

Just wait pal, I'll be you again soon enough.

I smell something in the air.

Smells feminine.

(Loud scream)

Step off cracker!

Who the fuck are you?

You really askin' who the fuck am I?

I am King Bong, and I'm the bad ass mother fucker

Who's about to fuck you up.

Well, King Dong, I'd like to see ya

Come down here and try.

Aw shit, who the fuck you think you're talkin' to, hmm?

Just another douche bag.

Oh, how dare you speak to me in that tone!

Whatever bug eyes, how the fuck do I

Get outta here anyway?

Oh, you think you can just walk your gay cookie ass

The fuck up outta here?

You ain't nothin' but a punk ass bitch.

I got business to attend to first, but yeah.

Many have tried and failed, baby.

And if King Bong, with my fine, sexy self, can't get

The fuck up outta here, then yo punk ass

Shouldn't even think about tryin'. (Laughs)

Lack of direction, huh?

Not to mention legs.

(King Bong laughs)

You got jokes.

Well look here, one bite, the evil bong is the

Queen bitch of eminence.

A furious fuckin' foe.

She should not be taken lightly.

She cast me inside the Bong World, defeated me,

And usurped my throne, mm mm mm mm.

She slurped what?

Oh fucker listen, you are one dead cookie walkin'.

You and what army, ass hole?

Oh, the most fierce army the world

Has ever known, bitch.

No man, or cookie, can resist my Poontang Tribe.

Holy shit, those are six familiars.

The office joint's lookin' better already. (Laughs)

Don't hog me, lady, share with the class.

Yeah, yeah!

Nice tune you're makin' there, blondie.

(Tribal music)

(Mumbling)

(Woman laughs)

Oh you havin' fun there, cookie boy?

(Gingerdead man yells)

I hope your sugar balls are ready for the Pastry Tribunal.

(Whirring sound)

Hey, what gives?

I can't freakin' move!

Who the fuck are you?

Silence!

Silence, what is this crap?

What the hell is goin' on?

We are the tribunal who will decide your fate.

Fuck you!

(Choral music)

(Wall moaning)

Tell me that is not what I think it is.

(Wall moaning)

Get to the point jerks, let me outta these hula hoops!

You, Gingerdead Man stand before us a prisoner

Of your own devices, a mockery of pastry kind.

You know the charges put forth against you.

What charges?

You are hereby formerly charged with murder,

Mayhem, caliceness, wantant drug use, oh!

Is that all ya got?

And your worst offense, you taste like poop.

Melt!

You're not even semi-sweet!

You is a bad man, man.

(Speaks in foreign language)

Bathroom's to the left, you big ugly dick.

How do you plead?

Kiss my doughnut hole.

It's exactly what I was hopin' they were.

Huh.

Could only mean one thing.

Huh.

Where is that little pervert?

You know somebody who lives in that?

I would and I do.

You rang?

(Larnell screams)

Rabbit, I knew it was you.

Larnell, what are you doing here.

Well I'd ask you the same thing except

I already know the answer to that.

We are trying to escape a certain doom, dude,

A.k.a. slaughter from a certain cookie?

Oh man, that was a bad trip.

You can thank her for that.

I said I was sorry.

I'm so sorry I wasn't prepared for company.

Really like what you've done to the place.

Oh you do? (Laughs)

I'm innocent I tell ya!

I'm a little crimped around the edges,

So fuckin' what!

I ask you now, Council, to pronounce judgement

Onto the accused.

Guilty man.

Guilty of being a hoe.

Fucking guilty!

Guilty!

Ah hell, now what?

Please, sit!

Look, we don't have time to sit and talk dude,

We gotta get outta here!

Oh pish posh, there's always time for friends

And conversation, so sit and conversate.

It'd be rude not to.

Refreshments?

Look at those taters.

I love your work.

So now, what is this issue you wanted to discuss with me?

No disrespect man, but what's gotten into you?

Whatever do you mean?

I mean, you're cool all of a sudden.

All like respectable and shit.

Not the giant ass spaz that we're used to.

That's the old me.

You've been down here for like an hour, Broby MacGuire.

Time knows not, in the Bong World.

We need to find a way out.

Findelmeyer is gonna be getting us any second.

She's right dude, can ya help us?

Sorry, can't help ya.

Why not?

I haven't tried to leave, I like it here.

That is crazy talk dude, this place will eat you alive.

No no no (speaks French).

See, I figured it out.

My time spent here in the past, I have mastered

This world, I am the master of my destiny. (Laughs)

I don't know dude, sounds kinda dangerous.

Not at all.

You see, I know what the Bong World wants,

So I stay one step ahead.

The bong gives me lemons, I make

Wild sex and weed! (Laughs)

I love it down here, this is where I belong!

(Girls laughing)

Well good for you, man.

Way to follow your low expectation dreams.

Unfortunately, we gotta get outta here,

So can you help us?

No, not at all.

You will be sentenced to eternal damnation,

A never ending life of being eaten and reformed,

Consumed and reborn.

As long as you eat me first, jack ass.

(Speaks French) I'm going to

Start with your balls!

That doesn't sound so bad.

It's by George Ormond I indict to one, be you.

Show a little mercy, will ya?

I'm the product of a morally bankrupt society.

I didn't choose to be this way, life chose me.

That bitch made me what I am.

I promise I'll never do anything bad again, I swear it!

We have decided to give you one more chance,

Gingerdeadman, do not disappoint us.

Really?

Stupid fuckers! (Laughs)

That's the third one you lost, man!

What an ass hole.

Come on man, you gotta help us.

Sorry, can't help ya. (Chuckles)

Why not butt hole?

You've got top yourself, man.

Whatever it is you want, think the reverse.

The more you want out of here, the harder it is to leave.

I get it.

No, I gotcha, where the fuck are they!

Where are who?

Don't gimme that shit, ass hole.

Ladies.

(Gingerdead man) Oh yeah, ladies indeed.

Hey, where's the blonde chick?

This creton is harshing my mellow.

(Gingerdead man) Yeah, I don't like the way you're

Lookin' at me Yoko.

Neither are you, Beyonce.

Whoa.

What the hell are you two doin' here?

We figured ya out, thanks to our boy Rabbit.

That no good scum bag, I'll show him!

Leave him alone, he's happy in there.

Happy?

What kind of freak is that?

If we got out, that means Millard's gonna escape too,

And he's gonna be lookin' for both of us.

Trust me, that Pillsbury dumb fuck

Ain't goin' no where.

I'm gonna turn up the juice on that sucker.

You OK?

Yeah, I've survived before, I'll be fine.

Maybe I should walk you back to your store.

That would be nice.

All right.

Yeah, it's been nice.

Oh child, you better watch yourself honey.

That dick will not be around long after Felicity

Finds out, she gonna cut it off, red as it hacked in.

(Gingerdead man laughing)

(Gingerdead man exhaling)

That's how the cookie fuckin' crumbles. (Laughs)

(Oddly suspenseful orchestra music)