Original subtitles

WILF: Since the dawn of time,

man has been stalked by a merciless killing machine

that prowls the streets, steals into homes

and fe-e-eds on human flesh.

HOWLING

Its name, the lycanthrope,

aka...

..the werewolf. Next slide, please.

But what if there was a ring of steel

that could contain this ter-r-rible creature?

SNIGGERS

Are you talking about

werewolves generally, or you personally?

What's the diff?

I can't remember the last time you even changed...

Shall we take questions at the end? OK?

Cos we've probably got time for questions at the very end. OK?

OK. Ladies and gentlemen,

the Werewolf Incursion Limitation Field is

a containment system that employs a series

of tripwires, snares, pits and rope traps.

Wow! Last time, we just threw you a pound of sausages,

and you slept it off in the kennel.

OK, that's a lie! Is there some sort of problem, guys?

Wilf, we all think you're very scary.

SNIGGERING

Yeah, why wouldn't you?

But this does all feel a bit like you're, uh...

Like I'm overcompensating?

Like I've got performance anxiety?

Like I need to prove myself,

cos I haven't changed in a few months?

Because I'll tell you this for nothing.

There was a lot of cloud cover on that last full moon,

so the, um...

SNAPS FINGERS

..the-the-the-the...

Beams. ..the beams couldn't get through.

I'm just trying to keep the peace here,

because, like, werewolves do cause panic!

LAUGHTER

So, are we building this thing or what?

That's not even how you spell "field".

You f...

BREATHES DEEPLY

BIRDS CHIRP

COCK CROWS

VALEETA: Come on, boys, time for bed.

Sleep well, Val.

DOOR CREAKS CLOSED

I might not have figured out

how to pass myself off as a vampire at my initiation,

but at least I've mastered how to act human.

You just say "mate" a lot

and wear a T-shirt with a cool band name on it,

which, as far as I can tell,

is a familiar phrase spelt in a funky way.

When I'm at home, I hear every tick of the clock.

But my visits to Gertie fly by.

It's what humans call having butterflies in your tummy.

Actually, the stomach acid and lack of oxygen

would kill the butterflies in about two seconds.

We'll talk for hours, just sitting by the lake

or sitting on a bus.

Or I'll sit on a bus on my own because I cannot believe

no-one ever told me about buses,

because they're brilliant and you can ding the bell

and everything.

REPEATED DINGING

MAN: Oi! Stop doing that!

DING

Around Gertie, I feel at home.

It's like all my problems disappear.

I feel at ease, content, special.

And nothing's ever going to change tha-a-a...

Who the hell is this?

Val! You've got to meet Silas.

HIGH-PITCHED: Why?

Silas, this is Val, my friend.

Friend, best friend whatever.

Oh, dear.

A musty little irritation that's hard to get rid of?

CHUCKLES

Oh!

You're talking about the Yeest Infektion?

Nope.

I'm being funny. I'm being funny!

OTHERS LAUGH

Silas is so cool.

Him and his dad had an actual shipwreck.

We're lucky he even survived.

We are, aren't we?

Yeah, er, cool story.

Pops and I were studying jellyfish

off the shoulder of Portugal.

Found a baby terrapin with his flap hanging off.

Now, I knew we had to get him to Professor Gilligan,

the world's top terrapin specialist here in England.

But a storm was coming.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Safest thing to do was find harbour in Spain.

And did you?

I promised that little guy I'd get him to England...

OTHERS: Aww!

..and I don't break my promises.

No, we sailed through wind and rain, thunder and lightning.

Boat got smashed up pretty bad.

But we made it.

That's so brave.

What about the terrapin?

SILAS SIGHS

He's going to be OK.

OTHERS: Aww!

But, er, with the boat in pieces,

looks like we're going to be here a while.

Great...! So if there's anything we can do to help...?

Any... Any jellyfish need studying?

That was a research trip.

Pops and I study natural predators.

It's a scientific approach to haematophagic Nosferology.

Technical term...for vampire hunting.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Let me tell you something about vampire hunters.

Every month or so,

one will promise to rid the village of its hated enemy.

But after being paid half up front,

they're never seen again.

No, thank you. On your way.

What?

As chair of the Vampire Committee,

all queries of this nature are to go through me.

And I say we have no interest in a bunch of snake oil salesmen

trying to make a fast buck out of us.

Thank you and goodbye.

Jim's dead right.

It's John. You guys should be sceptical.

I would be,

if I had not witnessed my own son suffer a vampire attack.

It's how he lost his eye.

GASPING

I don't believe it.

I literally don't either.

To vampires, human eyes are a delicacy.

They serve them...

stacked up like Ferrero Rocher.

SHOCKED MURMURING

Since then, unlike other hunters,

we've taken a more scientific approach.

But if Jim here... It's John.

..isn't interested in that... Wasn't saying I'm not interested.

I'm glad to hear it, Jim. John.

Now...

which of you ladies want to make us a lovely slap-up lunch?

GIGGLING

As for my so-called friend, Silas is welcome to her.

I'm happy on my own, thanks.

The only reason I've picked up Mum and Dad's wedding photo

is to see how heavy it is.

No, I feel great!

If...there was someone special,

you would tell me, wouldn't you?

I may be your mother, but I am not naive

in matters of the heart.

Even before your father, I had dalliances.

Whether it was Dietrich,

Etienne, Miguel,

Hans,

oh, Alfonso,

Jan, Otto,

Sebastian, Marco,

Marco's brother, Jurgen,

Giorgio,

Giovanni...

Derek.

Lorenzo.

Oh, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo!

Is that more than one Lorenzo,

or the same one lots of times?

It made your father try all the harder.

You know, once, when we were in Vienna,

he mentioned marriage, and my grandfather said,

"Over my dead body."

But, years later, that's where he proposed.

Vienna? No, over my grandfather's dead body.

Right.

And he sent flowers, letters.

GASPS

And wait until you see this.

Come with me.

To mark our engagement,

your father whittled sculptures of the two of us, out of ice,

with his bare hands,

and pledged to keep them frozen for as long as we're together.

And here they are. See?

Van Helsing's proving no match!

Victor? Ah.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Er... Hello, darling.

What is all this?

Well, uh, a war room.

Oh. I was just treating young Vernon here

to a re-enactment of the Battle of Drava Field,

1880 a day of terrible bloodshed,

which was also delicious.

The day we finally destroyed the Van Helsings

once and for all.

No wonder!

They're tiny!

CHUCKLES

War is no matter for jokes, boy.

Unless you find something amusing about displaying courage,

standing with young, fit men,

showing your manhood.

You should take an interest.

It behoves a young vampire

to steep himself in our victories.

I've always said it behoves us to do that, Father.

Then I apologise...

for my behooviour.

Who even has a war room?

You're obsessed.

You even recite the dates of battles sometimes

when we're intimate and you need to delay things.

For all the good it does.

Well, that was once, darling, when I was recalling

a particular incursion

when our troops flooded into enemy territor...y.

CLEARS THROAT

Yep. Now I see the problem.

Where are the ice sculptures?

The ones you said you would keep forever intact

as a symbol of our love?

There are in safe storage.

So they're safe. Yeah.

You didn't...throw them away?

Nope. Doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd do.

OK, good. So you can go and get them out of storage, then.

Yep.

CLEARS THROAT

Yep. Did we ever go to war with other vampire hunters?

Other vampire hunters?

They couldn't wage war if they wanted to.

Only the Van Helsings were a worthy enough foe.

Just...heard there were other vampire hunters in the village.

How? SQUEAKS: Hmm?!

How did you hear there were vampire hunters in the village?

This is tricky, but the way to avoid suspicion

is just act natural.

I find a small chuckle can help to deflect attention.

LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY

GUFFAWS

That was too much. What was too much?

SQUEALS

Nothing.

Oh, there's some very dusty books there.

Been...

working...hard?

Oh, yes. I've been really working up a sweat,

trying to sort out Wilf's new security cordon.

SIGHS Oh, I'm absolutely exhausted.

Have a night off.

I wouldn't want to take liberties, Your Highness. Don't be silly.

We've not given you a night off for, what, six months?

84 years. There you go, then.

A night off. Maybe a...

..a bath? You know what?

Come to think of it, Your Highness, I've never, ever had a bath.

Never? You should.

No, I've never needed one.

My body just stays naturally fresh.

Have one anyway.

Honestly, Your Highness, I just...

Have a bath!

Maybe I will.

Maybe a nice long, hot bath, with bubbles.

Ah, I think Mother's got some bath foam.

No Bubbles. She works in the kitchen.

You two, quickly.

Did you see if Valentine left the castle earlier?

I wasn't watching.

You're facing that way.

If it's not my turn, I might not look that way.

For a change, I might look up there,

or I might look diagonally down, like that.

The other day, I looked up there for a bit.

Not your turn? We take it in shifts.

I'll watch out while Guy's on duty,

Guy watches out while I'm on duty.

Wrong way round.

I watch out when I'm on duty,

you watch out when you're on duty.

Why would I watch out when I'm on duty?

Because that's what being on duty means!

No, being on duty means you're on a break.

You're thinking of being on shift.

You're just wrong, Gary.

Being on duty, being on shift is the same thing!

Right...?

So, for the year we've had the rota,

we've either both been on lookout, which is pointless,

or neither of us have been on lookout.

You make it sound...

Oh, yeah. You're right.

That's probably why we missed the locusts

on the day of a billion locusts.

THROUGH GRITTED TEETH: Exactly, Gary.

A night off?! Didn't you just have a night off?

So that was, um, 84 years ago.

So you just had one.

Very well. Oh!

I'll have the maid draw you up a bath.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Very kind, sir.

Um, is there anything else you need before I'm relieved?

No, no, no, I think we'll survive

one night without a butler at our beck and call.

Very kind, sir.

I wish to make an ice sculpture

for my wife.

Sir...?

Between you and me,

I need somebody to source a block of ice.

This far south, that's...

a 300-mile round trip, easily, sir.

Yes...?

Oh...

SIGHS

Would you like me to go, sir?

Yes.

I'll have the maid hold off on that bath.

Very kind, sir.

Well, I'm a very kind king.

If Valentine leaves the castle,

I want to know where he goes and what he does.

So follow him.

And bring me something I can show Father.

I know it's uncomfortable, but I need you to look like a bat -

a crow raises suspicion.

I'd get an actual bat,

but they would never spy on a fellow vampire.

There.

Now, remember one peck for yes, two pecks for no.

Got it?

Good.

I want you to keep tabs on him.

Do you understand?

Good.

Happy?

Is it the ears again?

You know what you're meant to be doing, right?

One for yes, two for no?

That was three.

Are you just eating crumbs?

Oh, for God's sake! Focus!

SIGN CREAKS

And he said, "It's annoying to only hear the punch line!"

LAUGHTER

They're great guys. Really great. Really great.

That Reuben knows a lot. Very knowledgeable.

Oh, and Silas is...so brave.

But they wear it lightly.

Well, they're humble, aren't they?

Mm. That's exactly the word - humble.

Two great, knowledgeable, brave, humble guys.

Mm.

SILAS: That was before I lost the eye. Yeah.

Just, er,

not sure...

I like them.

Oh, my God, I hate them. Oh, me too.

Studying predators, saving terrapins!

Get a proper job! They all just lap it up.

Thinking he knows more about vampires than I do.

Come on!

I've lived with them for 15 years.

I stood for the council as an anti-vampire candidate.

This is what I know.

Look at him!

Going on about his missing eye!

Yeah, if it is missing.

Lad at my school used crutches just to get attention.

His leg was fine!

And calling me Jim. The name's John!

John. John.

John. John!

All right, Jim? Hi, how are you doing?

But, no, great guys.

Really great. Really great.

You look tired, old friend.

I am tired, sir.

I should never have asked that of you.

And, look, you bring me four.

You've surpassed yourself.

Yes, I thought it best I bring four,

just in case there were any mishaps.

Now, the technique to doing this, sir...

Ah-ah-ah.

You've done enough, and you should be relaxing now,

soaking in a nice hot bath.

Oh! No, this is all pretty self-explanatory.

Ah...

LAUGHS

Oops!

Let's try that again.

Yes. Now, if you don't mind, sir.

No, just... If you would like to...

No matter, no matter.

I can't see me smashing four of these!

Indeed. Now, this time, if you could just give it a...

Say no more.

All this requires is a steady hand.

Not a problem for me.

When dealing with matters of importance,

you learn to be calm under pressure.

I can't...

For the love of...

Can you imagine if I was to shatter the fourth of these?

Your whole journey,

a complete waste of...

CHISEL HITS ICE

Oh...!

Oh!

I bet you thought that the fourth one was going to...

There is goes.

CRESTFALLEN: Ah... Ah.

I'm out of ice.

I'm going to need someone to go and fetch me some more.

Would you...like me to go, sir?

Yes.

And bring me another chisel.

I think there's something wrong with this one.

Now, I need you to tell me what you saw,

but instead of doing yes or no questions,

I've devised a quicker approach.

As you can see, each square here

corresponds to a different activity.

You roam around the board as free as a bird,

even though you're a bat, remember?

And peck at the thing you've seen him do.

For example, peck this one

if you've seen Val talking to a human,

peck this one if you've seen him eating human food,

peck this one if...

What's that one?

Oh...

Oh, no, that's...that's...that's the food.

So what's that one?

That must be...

blowing glass? Why...?

Why would I put that on the board?

Bear with me.

Nope. Start again.

You pull back the shaft.

Wow. Yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

Um, we can't thank you enough.

It's just... It's so brave of you.

You are so kind. Aww!

You know, Silas has a phrase that goes,

"He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior."

Oh, that is so true.

I think that's Confucius.

Maybe they both came up with the same thought.

Ye-e-s!

Maybe a 15-year-old terrapin handler

came up with the same ideas

as the world-famous father of Confucianism.

Then again,

the life he's had probably makes you quite wise -

everything he's been through.

Everything he says he's been through.

Do you think some of it's made up?

It's all made up.

Everything that tumbles

out of that stupid little mouth of his

is an obvious lie.

And you're all gobbling it up like it's your mum's un-yee-on.

Not you, John.

PLUMMILY: "Yeah, we, uh, we saved terrapins

"from off the coast of Portugal. Mm-hm. Uh-huh."

Are terrapins even native to those waters?

He lost his eye to a vampire!

Lost his eye?

Come on!

Well...

Wake up!

Right? What? Is it...

oh, because he has an eye patch?

If you've thought for a second,

you'd realise what I realise,

which is that under this so-called eye patch

is a perfectly healthy

human eye.

Oh...

GASPING

I am...

..so sorry for your loss.

I've never seen Gertie so disappointed.

I said I'll try and patch things up, but...

maybe shouldn't have put it like that.

So I promised I'd make an effort.

But playing nice with someone you can't stand isn't easy.

Finally, I got the cash.

Half the vampire hunt money? Thousand quid.

You stay here.

I've got people I owe some money to.

What about my share? I'll split it.

60/40 to you.

Oh, thanks!

First, my 40%.

That is, er, 400.

That leaves 600.

What's 60% of 600?

Uh, 360.

360.

There. 60%.

You've done pretty well out of this.

Yeah... Thanks, Dad.

Why not make this interesting?

All or nothing.

Go on...

Take this beer mat off the glass,

you win Silas's share.

Fail, he wins yours.

All right. You're on.

What?

I know this one.

Is it something to do with magnets?

Nope.

Can I use my hands? Yeah, use 'em if you like.

Oh! Well, in that case...

CHUCKLES

I've won. He has!

You've done it. He's good, isn't he?

It's called brains, gentlemen.

It's a pleasure doing business.

Likewise.

Why would you do that?

Val?!

That's 640 quid.

Thanks, Val! It's all right.

Treat yourself. I'll get another tattoo!

Another...?

Oh!

VH. What does VH stand for?

Van Helsing.

My name.

Yeah...!

Course it does.

CHUCKLES

Oh.

CHUCKLES

Ooh!

Right, then. Let's hunt!

CHEERING

Yes! Absolutely!

Let's hunt if you want to hunt, because, er,

we could always not hunt. Val!

Wouldn't be much of a Van Helsing if I didn't hunt!

Yeah, and that's what you are, isn't it?

A Van Helsing, which, uh, you didn't say earlier,

which is a slightly odd thing to leave out.

What a dilemma - how to stop Silas reaching my family

without Gertie thinking I'm undermining him.

Hurry up!

Anyone would think you're trying to slow Silas down.

What?!

Pretty sure the easiest way to the castle

is straight up here.

Crouch for me.

So...we are there...

Um, so it's not...not that way. Um...

Oh. Hang on.

No, it's...it's right. Come on.

Ugh, what are the chances?!

Just get me down!

Ow!

GROANS

Why bother?

The trap wasn't even concealed. How did you not see it?

Sometimes I wonder if you only have half a brain

as well as half your eyes.

SOME OTHERS CHUCKLE

Wow.

Vampires! This is Reuben Van Helsing!

Come out and face me! I know you can hear me!

DISTANT HOWLING

VICTOR: Ah, yes. Oh, this is coming together.

She's going to love this.

Finally...

it's finished.

Darling!

Little candle...

LAUGHS WATER RUNS

I can't wait for this.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Igon, the King was looking for you.

He wants you to...to dress the sculptures

and place them outside. Dress them?

WHIMPERS

Oh...

So close to my lovely bath.

I've got to do it. My job.

GROANS

PANTS

Uh...

ANGRY SHOUTING

INDISTINCT YELLING

Come on, cowards!

Which of you dare face the Van Helsings?

Sh, sh.

Come on, come on.

Sh, sh, sh.

Time's up, bloodsuckers.

ALL: Yes!

OTHERS: Oh...

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Again!

Yes!

OTHERS: Oh...

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

What is he doing now?

The power of Christ compels you.

I really don't think that's going to cut it.

The power of Christ compels you!

WATER DRAINS

I suppose what Socrates was getting at

was that wisdom isn't about what you know,

it's about knowing what you don't...

Ga-a-a-h! Ba-a-ah!

He's useless. The power of Christ compels you.

This is embarrassing. The power of Christ compels you.

Since my son Silas has failed to live up to the family name...

They're dying!

GASPING

The power of Christ compels you.

SHOUTING

GARGOYLES: A-A-A-A-Ah!

Time's up, bloodsuckers!

CHEERING

BOTH: A-A-Ah...

GUY SPITS

What were you saying?

I don't know.

EXCITED CHATTER CHEERING

LAUGHTER CHEERING

Yeah! Come on!

Those bloody vampires!

You deserved that!

Yes! Come on!

Oh!

GROANS SADLY

SIGHS

Oh!

VALEETA: I must say, Victor, I didn't think you had it in you.

Well, I said I had them, I gave you my word,

and my word happens to mean...

What? They...They were here. They were here.

Er, they were here! Well, they're not any more.

My darling, wait! Wait just a second.

Let me explain!

You can speak?

Yeah. Since when?

Just always have.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

I've just spent 12...hours

asking you yes or no questions to peck at.

Why wouldn't you just tell me you could speak?

You didn't ask.

VAL CHUCKLES

Oh!

Wow! That was so brave!

It was pretty brave.

You've not seen true bravery

until you've seen a guy -

me -

reach into the sea near Portugal

and rescue a terrapin that was...

Terrapins in Portugal?

CHUCKLES

Yes! Why is that...?

SCREAMS

I just remembered...!

Wah! I think I left the iron on.

Argh!

Aaargh!

According to the Vampire's Handbook,

a learned mind is a contented mind.

It's amazing what you can learn from the right book.

Such a nice guy. Really cool.

Yeah. You think he'd be incredibly annoying,

but...he wasn't.

Into terrapins now, are we?

LAUGHS

Let's see.

It says here, "Terrapins are found in the Gulf of Mexico,"

that they don't live anywhere near Portugal!

GASPS

You are kidding me!

That little b...

REPEATED DINGING

Guys! Guys!

This re-e-eally hurts!

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