Original subtitles

We gather here to bear witness

as my son and heir, Prince Valentine,

enters vampirehood,

by feasting upon the throat of a human...

IGON YELLS

Igon, what is going on, you fool?!

Forgive me, sir. I didn't know

the initiation ceremony was today.

This is clearly a rehearsal, isn't it?

There's no-one here. I'm sorry. It's just that...

HUSHED: ..I noticed the deeds to the castle are missing.

You haven't touched them, have you?

No, I don't know anything about that.

Excuse me, sorry, is this a new bit?

It's just that I wasn't told there was a new bit.

It's an interruption. Right.

And was it OK when I sort of swayed like that?

Because I thought, "I think my character would sway."

You know you won't be needed on the night.

You're just standing in.

OK, well, that wasn't explained to me.

Uh, can I ask a question about my character?

So, uh, I know he's a drummer, but does he enjoy drumming?

And has he drummed for long?

Yes, he...he likes drumming.

Also, the script says, "Bat flaps wings,"

but it'd be accurate to say "flutter".

So I'd like that changed. Either's fine.

Because if he's expecting me to flap,

ain't going to happen.

Right. Shall we go again?

No, no, no, I think that's enough for today.

Uh, great work, everyone. Great work, great work.

Great flapping. Well done, Basil.

BASIL SCOFFS

It's fluttering.

VALEETA: You're not a vampire, love.

VICTOR: My son is ready for his initiation.

If you just manage to keep this between us.

Just our little secret. As a consequence

for his failure, my family were usurped

and forced to live in penury and shame.

VOICES ECHO

VOICES STOP ABRUPTLY

HE GASPS

Three weeks till my initiation.

Three weeks to work out how I'm going to pass myself off

as a vampire.

The kind of high-pressure event

humans like Gertie don't have to worry about.

HE SIGHS

Then again...

I don't see what the big deal is.

Exactly. Never even asked for it.

I don't even care about the prom.

Do you want to go?

Yeah, I-I-I'd love to. Yeah.

What time does it start?

No, I meant, do you want a go on the catapult?

HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah! Yeah, I know what you meant!

So why ask what time it starts?

Like, I was talking about my go on the...on the catapult.

What time does my go on the catapult start...?

And the time it starts is now.

You thought I was asking you to prom!

That's hilarious.

If you say so.

Well, I mean, it's hilarious that you thought...

It's not hilarious I'd consider.

You could, if you wanted to.

Could...?

Could come to prom, with me.

Um, yeah. Yeah, all right.

It's not a big deal. No.

I mean, what's a prom, anyway?

That was going to be my next question.

Big dance in a school hall. Wow!

Every school has one.

They definitely do, yeah. What's yours like?

What's ours like...? Um...

What's ours like?!

HE CHUCKLES

It's, um...

Ours is...

HE SUCKS TEETH

It's just sort of a normal dance, really.

Begins with a stately minuet set to chamber music.

And then the drummers start,

and then, by the end,

everyone's chanting Latin and writhing in ecstasy.

Ours is pretty much the same.

Other than the Latin.

Are you sure you want to go?

Yeah.

Saturday... 8pm.

Saturday, 8pm.

Saturday, 8pm? What's Saturday, 8pm?

Oh! Oh, this?!

Just reminding myself

to...to have a Saturday, 8pm.

Mm. Yeah.

Cos otherwise, you know, I'll jump from seven to nine,

and then it just gets all messy.

You've had a letter from Alexis.

Says he's coming here this weekend.

He's coming here?

Huh! Good!

Ah!

I'm pleased about that. Good, Val, yes, great.

Ha! Uh... Then why are you sweating?

Yes, why is Valentine sweating?

Sweating! Sweating?!

I'm not. I'm not.

You are. You're sweating.

I'm a vampire. It's almost impossible for me to sweat.

The last time I saw you this sweaty was

when you ogled that vampiress and lied about it.

HE WHEEZES

Ogled?!

I was simply admiring her brooch -

her two brooches.

There's something you're not telling me.

There's something you're not telling me.

There isn't, my darling!

And you can ask me that question

as many times as you like, for as long as you like,

but my resolve shall not yield, and my answer will not change.

What do you mean, "lost it"?

How can you lose a castle?

In a game of cards. Have you lost your mind?

No, no, no. Just the castle.

When did this happen? Years ago, I went to Vienna

to play some hands of gummy with the chaps.

With my foolproof system, I'd never been beaten.

Then Alexis shows up.

He was strangely confident.

And as the stakes grew, I gambled more and more,

eventually laying down the deeds for our home.

Until...

Your foolproof system wasn't foolproof.

Alexis was using the same system.

I was given a century to gather our belongings,

and that would be now.

Does that mean we have to find another house?

Yes. No. Of course not.

You just tell him you made a mistake

and ask for him to let you off.

HE SCOFFS

No, no! There are plenty of castles

we can move into.

Bodmin Hall, say, or Hesselby Castle,

which has wonderful ocean views.

It did. It collapsed into the North Sea

ten years ago. Ah.

HE SNAPS FINGERS

And I thought Bodmin Hall was overrun by moths.

But what are moths

but butterflies without the ego?

Victor,

you need to swallow your pride and ask for him to let you off.

I can't and I won't.

Victor...

There are some things worth fighting for.

It's easy.

You just tell him you got it wrong.

I'm sure Alexis won't make a big thing of it.

Hmm...

Unfortunately, she's wrong on both counts.

I don't think I've ever heard my dad admit fault.

And he and Alexis are bitter rivals,

each refusing to be the bigger man. Apart from their annual

"Who's The Bigger Man?" competition.

I was just thinking, Father, with Alexis visiting,

perhaps it would make you look more successful

to be surrounded by your family.

All of us together.

Maybe a formal dinner.

Mmm.

Yes. Good.

Saturday, 8pm?

Yeah.

That's great.

But...this Saturday. 8pm.

Mm-hm! Yeah.

It's a date.

A Saturdate! Thank you, Valentine.

Igon! I just remembered,

didn't you have something on at 8pm?

No. Sure?

Because if you did,

I'm sure I could talk Father out of this whole family thing.

All you'd have to do is just tell me what you're doing.

No idea what you're talking about.

THEY CHUCKLE

HE THUMPS TABLE

Wish I could be in two places at once.

Well, there'd have to be two of you.

Pity your father got rid of that shift shaper.

The what? Forgive him.

He means shaft shipper.

Shaft shipper? You mean ship shafter?

What's a ship shafter? I'll try again.

Uh, shake shipfer.

Are you talking about a shapeshifter?

BOTH: That's it!

I didn't know we had one. We don't.

He's been banished to the retirement home.

Your father sends unwanted staff there.

He was going to send Guy here,

but apparently he's a load-bearing wall.

Yeah, a real vote of confidence.

It's more of a retirement home for unwanted staff

than a prison. It's not like a prison.

Don't know why people keep saying "prison".

You're the only one that keeps saying "prison".

It's just a place for people whose time was up.

Your father stopped liking the cut of their jib.

I mean, what was he supposed to do -

let them work here forever?

Let them work somewhere else?

Hmm.

Or put them in a nice home.

Keep them safely locked away three floors below ground.

LOCKS CLUNK

There's really nothing sinister about it.

Oh, you might want to cover your nose.

It gets quite...pungent.

Isn't that just you?

Yeah, it is me, but in there - more.

Ah, familiar faces. Oh, look, there's Mumsy,

your old nanny. You remember her?

That'll be the pungent smell.

Yeah!

IGON CHUCKLES

Harpsichord player. Deaf butler.

LOUDER: Deaf butler.

Here he is. Oh, the cook.

She's terrible. She gave your father food poisoning.

Oh! Oh, and here's the jester.

His jokes are quite racy.

What, a bit...cheeky?

No. Like quite racist.

Racist. Yeah.

There's Don. He's a gamekeeper.

He was very big into pig husbandry.

Oh! Well, no wonder he got rid of him.

Not that kind of husbandry. Good, good.

Who on earth gave you permission to be down here?!

I should have the two of you flogged.

Father, I swear, I didn't...

HE CHUCKLES

Only joking.

Ta-da!

It's only Clifford, our resident shapeshifter.

That was amazing!

Around 100 years ago, he was really big

on the after-dinner circuit. But, um...things went wrong.

I've still got it, though, haven't I?

Uh, yeah, you sure do.

Theoretically, you could have ordered the release

of everyone in here,

and no-one would have known that it wasn't the King.

And break up the gang?

Ha! No way!

The laughs we have.

CLIFFORD CHUCKLES

So, what can I do for you?

So, here's the plan.

You find somewhere to hide.

I take my place in the family dinner.

At 7.30, I leave the room.

But when I return,

it's actually you pretending to be me...

..leaving the real me free to sneak out of the castle,

and take Gertie to the prom. How does that sound?

Absolutely foolproof.

What's happening here?

Father's trying to butter up his friend.

He lost the house in a card game.

He needs to plead for it back.

Suffering Jesus.

I need this place to look perfect.

Just because Alexis is coming?

You don't know what he's like.

He's always trying to get one over on me.

When I went to his house, he had six musicians.

I want seven. He had two butlers - I want three.

He had 12 concubines. I...

I don't want a concubine, thank you very much.

I have a beautiful wife whom I love.

I hope you're not still competing with Alexis.

You're meant to be appealing to his good nature.

I would - if he had one.

BANGING ON DOOR

Hello, Alexis.

Good evening, Victor.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

How many rooms does this house have?

37. Gosh!

Mine has 40.

And how old is this house?

900 years old.

Gosh!

Mine's 1,000.

Yeah. Actually, come to think of it,

this place is around 1,000...

HE CLEARS THROAT

..years old, too. Oh!

Cos the date on the cornerstone outside said 1150.

HE SMACKS LIPS

Yes. That was, uh...

..not the year in which it was built,

but the time.

It said "AD".

Yes.

That's 11.50 "after dinner".

Are these your two sons?

Yes. Two strong vampire boy...

Hey! Get out of the way, you serf!

Begone! These are my two sons.

Oh, gosh. I have three.

Ah, the Queen.

As usual, her odour - feast for the nose.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Delicious.

My nostrils are aquiver.

Does she come with the house?

Ha. I thought you had a wife.

No. Sadly, she died.

Well, mine is still very much alive. HE CLEARS THROAT

HIGH-PITCHED GONG

Dinner is served.

My Queen,

I'm sally if I made you feel insecure.

This is your home,

and I shall get it back for you.

I'm sally if I upset you.

Thank you.

Are you saying sally or sorry?

I-I mean the second one.

But I'm saying the first, as that particular word

gets stuck in my throat somewhat.

You're doing the right thing.

I know. I...

I thought about what you said, and I thought,

"She's right." Mm!

Some things are worth fighting for.

That's why, after dinner,

I shall take it upon myself...

Ask for the house. ..to win back our house.

Sorry, "win"? In a duel!

With swords. Like you said, "Fight for it!"

No, no, I meant fight, as in...

Double or quits.

And when I win, we shall be quits.

And if you lose?

The trick is not to lose.

But if you do lose...?

The trick is...

But if you do...?

The trick... What if you lose?!

Then we lose everything.

Our castle, the crown, all our money.

Alexis is a champion fencer.

Yes, but my fencing coach says fencing is all in the mind.

And I've fenced in my mind a dozen times,

and I've won every time.

I've got this, darling.

Victor, be nice.

And here's the dining room - the room we use for dining.

I think it's from the Latin... What are the chains for?

One of our house guests is a werewolf,

and he can get a little erratic on a full moon.

So sometimes we manacle him to the wall.

Ah!

Look, we simply attach the clasps...

What are you doing?!

..to wrists... What's he like?!

..and ankles. A little comedian!

VAL LAUGHS

..and when the moon begins to wane...

Ah! Oh!

Oh, I seem to have... misplaced the key!

Vernon! Isn't that funny?

How very deeply embarrassing for you, Victor.

Yeah...

THEY CHUCKLE

Have a backslap. Ha...!

Fool.

I'll be back in two minutes.

I wonder where I could have put...the key.

Of course, if you could find it within yourself

to tell me where you're going,

I do think it would help me remember.

OK.

POP!

You enjoy.

VAL CHUCKLES

CLOCK CHIMES

WHISPERS: Go! You go...

..go to the prom...

..as me.

OWL HOOTS

And the servants, do they come with the house?

Well, if you're looking for staff,

there are some we no longer require.

Jesters, butlers...

I don't know if you recall the shapeshifter

we used to have. Oh, he was very good.

You'd almost swear he was the real person.

You wonder why he lost his job.

What?

Oh, you didn't know.

Clifford had something... of a habit.

Sucking his thumb? If only.

No. The man's a hopeless drunk.

Great when he's sober,

but once he's had a drink, he's all over the place.

Father often had to lock the wine cellar.

I didn't know that... I did.

IGON WAILS

Your Highness!

Someone's been at the wine, sir.

It's only a couple of bottles.

Mmm...

GLASS CLINKS

SINGSONGY: Oh...! No, no, no, no!

Do I not like that?

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

HE SIGHS

Oi!

HE HICCUPS

HE BELCHES

Ah, delicious.

Well, I think I should start measuring up.

Do you have somewhere that you can go?

I wondered if we should retire to the drawing room.

I had something to put to you.

Could I please have a word with you, Victor?

Yes, darling.

VALEETA CLEARS THROAT

Come on.

I'd feel so much more comfortable

if you'd just talk to me.

You'll feel better.

OK.

But...do you mind if I whisper?

Oh, please do.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

Thank you?

For what?

The key.

Ah-ah-ah!

Oops! How did that happen?

Boop!

VAL CHUCKLES

CLIFFORD, SLURRED: Remember I'm Val.

Remember I'm Val. Remember I'm Val.

HE HICCUPS

Knock-knock!

Oh! Val!

What's the craic?

Please, just ask him nicely.

I cannot do it, my darling. Have you heard him?

"My house is older than yours.

"I have more children than you have."

He would love it if I went to him on bended knee.

I will not plead for this castle.

It shows... WHISTLING: ..wheakness.

Oh, sure - risk it on a duel and lose everything.

Or I could win back our home.

The goblet is always half empty with you.

Can you even use a sword?

Not that difficult.

It's all about judging the distance

and hand-eye coordination!

Oops. I'll get another one.

Here we go! Here she comes!

Aww! Doesn't she look lovely?

Mm! VAL LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Just a bit, John.

HE GRUNTS

A lot of women hit 40, and...

..things start heading south.

But not her.

No, she is in some fine fettle.

Fine fettle indeed.

Um,

I-I meant Gertie.

Uh, Gertie, you look gert, Gratie.

But promise me

that you will take after your mother,

because she is in some fine fettle.

All right, love, shall we go and fix your hair?

So, uh, how's school?

School?

School...! Yeah.

Good. Good, good, good.

Reading, writing. All of that.

How's work?

Oh, very good, actually, yeah.

Just moved into new premises, so, uh...

What are you pulling in these days?

Oh, uh, well, pulling...?

30K? Something like that?

Oof... Well...

..around that.

Can I...

..give you some advice, John?

Yeah.

If you want to hang on to a woman like that...

..you've got to put bread on the table.

You with me?

So far, yeah.

Get a raise,

a side job - whatever.

But you treat that woman

how she deserves to be treated.

Hm?

Because she is in some...

Fine fettle. I know.

Yes.

Right, shall we go? Yep.

Oh, John... Mm?

I'm only going to ask this once.

Can I borrow your car?

No. Got it.

HE CLICKS TONGUE

Come on, then, girly-wirly.

Does your mum wear those kinds of dresses?

Very strange.

VAL: Oh, please don't be drunk.

All right?

HE CHUCKLES

What are you doing?

TRICKLING

HE GRUNTS

ZIP!

Oh.

Listen,

how much do you want to go to the prom?

How much?

There's a fella in town - Big Dave.

He's a part-time butcher,

but he also has access to a barn.

Don't ask how.

It's ladies' night.

Meaning I could get you in...

..free.

There's a singer,

comic...

..and then you watch men wrestle

and bet on, er, who you think's going to win.

It is honestly the best night out.

Uh, so...

Or we could go...to the prom.

Either.

The prom.

Are you...feeling all right?

You seem a bit...

I'm great, Girdle. Gertie.

Girthy.

What about your mum?

Does she ever go to bar fights?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Oh!

Val. Val? What are you...?

Oh, hello. You're not with Gertie?

Has she left?

Er, she...? Have you forgotten something?

Yes. No.

No, I just popped back to...to say a proper goodbye.

Aw! And to assure you

that I will take very good care of your daughter.

The one you're not with.

The one I'm not with, no,

in order to make the assurance that I just made to you.

And I will now leave to return to her.

OK. OK.

Is he all right? Oh...

I think he's just a bit nervous.

Right.

POP MUSIC

I know you don't attend the school,

but it has been brought to my attention that you attempted

to pour alcohol in the punch bowl.

Now, aside from you being underage...

What's the harm? The harm is,

we don't have a punch bowl.

That was a fish tank.

And now the fish are dead.

Right. Shouldn't have done it. OK?

How much for...new fish?

I'll have to get the headmaster.

Which one's that?

Mr Henford?

It's him.

I'll go get him for you.

OK. The boy's just explained what happened.

My God, Gavin! What?

You're not in your wheelchair!

Hang about.

CLATTERING

He explained what happened,

and I think we should just... pff, let him off.

Oh.

Carry on.

THUD

Oh!

There we go.

All sorted.

There you are!

What's...going on?

Deborah here was just saying

what a fine and upstanding young man...

ELECTRICAL BUZZING GASPING

Rollox.

PARTYGOERS MURMUR

I said sorry. Wh-What more do you want?

I want you to go away!

I could be useful.

Let me try and make it up to you.

No. I've got to walk her home.

I could appear as a bad guy and you could be the hero.

No, thank you.

Or...or I could go to your father

and help him get the house back.

No.

I insist.

I said no!

Listen, about Victor...

You know, behind all the bluster,

he does consider you

a great... Ahem!

Can I say something?

You won this house.

But I love it here.

The place where I raised my family.

Where I fell in love with my beautiful wife all over again.

Where I staged a mass execution of traitors.

Happy...

..happy memories.

Please allow us to stay.

Well...

As you asked so nicely... It's not the vampire way,

I know, but why?

Why can't a vampire be...

..vulnerable? I'm sure

Alexis doesn't need to hear about that now.

Scared of mice? Sure. OK...

Scared of the dark? Whew! You bet!

As a younger man, the merest crack of thunder

would make me wet the bed copiously.

Well, children are often prone to...

I was 50.

50 years old.

You look annoyed. Are you annoyed?

I wouldn't say annoyed.

More completely humiliated.

Yeah, well, you should be.

We've been kicked out at half nine, thanks to you.

Get off! That's my mum's! What are you doing?!

Seeing what you've got so you can make it up to us.

Uh, what time does it start?

What time does what start?

My go on the catapult.

SPLAT! HE GROANS

OTHERS MURMUR

You listen to me, and you listen good.

No-one touches my friends.

So you tell your friends

there's a new guy in town, and he's the boss daddy.

Gertie, I'll take it from here.

Go!

Boss daddy?!

Thanks, Val!

HE GASPS

That was amazing, Clifford!

Clifford?

Who the hell's Clifford?

Is it wrong for a vampire to sob in the bath?

To whisper his deepest, darkest secrets

to a knitted teddy bear by the name of Timothy Tumnus?

Now, now, old boy. "Timothy," I'd say,

"just hold me."

But, alas, he never will.

But it comforts me at night to know he's there,

protecting me in my dreams.

OWL HOOTS

I put on this deep voice...

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

..but actually...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..I sound like this.

I'm not afraid to be vulnerable.

Oh, for pity's sake!

Here, have the house! Keep the deeds! Take it!

Whoo!

ALEXIS SQUEAKS

Are you...feeling all right?

En garde!

Hold up.

Where's he gone?

CLIFFORD SHAPESHIFTS

Well, I assume he heard you were planning to duel him,

and quit before you could give him a good thrashing.

Ha! I told you he'd quake in his boots

at the thought of facing me. Hm!

To think...you doubted me.

Well done, everyone!

Truth be told, there was a time there

I thought we might have to cancel the initiation ceremony.

Without a home, there'd be nowhere to host it.

But we're back on track now.

Oh! That's fantastic. Wow. Mm!

CLIFFORD: I've learnt a lesson.

Drinking might make you feel good,

but it'll never be the real you.

It's just a mask.

And when you stop relying on it,

that's when you can truly blossom.

Being of use to you, it made me see...

..I like the me without the mask.

Aww, that's great.

Er...

Ah...

Can't help noticing you're drinking right now.

It's Saturday night, isn't it?

Lighten up, mate.

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