Original subtitles

So, I've been talking to the Invisible Woman,

talking about how you can pass your initiation.

Because if you can't feed on a human,

then everyone will know that you're, uh,

not of the nocturnal, uh...

Quicker to just say, "Not a vampire."

You're not a vampire. I know!

So we thought,

what if we could make it look like you were biting a neck?

Go on.

A fake.

We'll use a human effigy,

identical in every respect.

The upper body will be filled with a blood substitute

made of beetroot juice and cornflour - it's just like the real thing -

which pours out via a valve on the neck.

You simply have to lean forward,

open the valve,

and drink.

Right, I'm going to...

..stop you there.

OK?

That is a pig in a hat.

You can't fool a vampire.

They haven't been tricked by a pig in a hat since 1380,

when they briefly made one king.

CREAKING

So if I don't want everyone at my initiation ceremony

to see I'm not a vampire,

I have a month to think of a plan.

CREAKING

Well, I would if I could concentrate. What is that noise?

CREAKING

CREAKING

Igon! What's up there?

In the belfry? Nothing. I think it's been empty

ever since that summer with the...with the wasps.

Well, I heard a sound,

so there's definitely something up there.

I'm having a look. I wouldn't!

I-I wouldn't bother.

All you'll find up there are a few dead wasps

and what's left of the dead beekeeper.

We'll see.

Well, what if the wasps come back, Val? Eh?

Last time I was up there,

they...they...they stole my shoe.

All right, it's me.

I go up there sometimes.

Oh, I'd never have guessed.

I wouldn't bother, honestly.

I've pulled and pulled on that latch, it will not budge.

But I do know another way in via an external waste pipe.

We will have to crawl through excrement.

I've actually caught dysentery four times,

but there is literally no other way. Have you tried pushing?

WINGS FLUTTER

I did not. I did not do that.

Hmm. Mm.

Oh, dusty!

IGON SNEEZES

Oh, that was much quicker.

Oh...

So, uh...what is this?

I give you...my collection!

My own private hoard of human memorabilia,

a treasure trove of fascinating artefacts

that will shine a light on our nearest neighbours

and posit an answer to the age-old question -

what is it to be human?

These are just human items blown in on the wind

and found in the grounds of the castle.

That's a cannon.

How strong was the wind?

Some items involved a bit of...taking.

And Dad's all right with this?

Um... No, no, he doesn't... He doesn't know.

It's, uh, more of an academic interest.

But...but much can be learned from these items,

such as how humans struggle to retain information.

So it is believed that mathematicians used one of these.

It's a number rememberer -

a ribbon with numbers printed along the length

in sequence,

to serve as a visual reminder, if needed,

perhaps in a shop or when counting livestock.

So, if you can see here four.

The next one says five.

Next one is six.

Next one seven. Next one eight.

Next one nine. Next one...

You going to do them all, or...

No. No need to do them all.

IGON CHUCKLES

And this fascinating item

was found at the top of a church.

It suggests that humans worship some kind of chicken god.

When the chicken god says, "Go over there,"

they go over there.

Wha...? Wha...?

IGON CHUCKLES

I see that you have found the brass wine dispenser.

Ha! Glug-glug-glug! Oh!

IGON CHUCKLES

Mm, lovely wine. Mm-hm.

"Thanks, Igon."

THEY CHUCKLE

That's the human saying it to me. Oh, right! Yes. Uh...

Fascinating lives that humans lead.

Mm. It's not what the handbook says.

It says they're just big bags of blood.

Well, I guess they have to say that, don't they?

Otherwise, we'd get curious and want to explore.

And do you know what curiosity did?

It killed the cat.

Is that a cat? Yeah.

Yeah? It's obviously a cat.

VICTOR: Valentine! Where are you, Valentine?

OWL HOOTS

Here! Now!

VAL CLEARS THROAT

Father.

Sorry, I seem to have missed our...

I was under the impression

that tuition was to start at seven o'clock.

Yet I waited for you,

and you were nowhere to be seen.

Yeah, what happened was...

I had to amuse myself

by putting the death warrants I've signed

into alphabetical order.

Your tuition is important, boy.

Once initiated,

you will be expected to hunt for yourself

using strength and maturity.

Like me,

when I snared your mother's hand in marriage.

Oh, you weren't that mature.

When we tried for children, I had to draw you a diagram.

What? It's a lot to remember.

All the openings and so forth.

Father, I'd be happy to find a bride if Valentine isn't up to it.

Sometimes, I wonder if he's even one of us.

Vernon, stop being such an imbecile.

Anyway, can't get married before your brother.

He's heir to the throne.

So? Ancient vampire lore.

If you're betrothed before Valentine,

you'd become heir ahead of him.

Tonight you will join me in here,

where I shall play a sleeping victim,

and you will demonstrate your hunting techniques upon me.

Until then, I suggest you retire to your chamber to study.

You can bet that Vernon would.

He's not like Vernon.

Well, maybe he should be.

If Vernon isn't studying vampire history,

he's playing his harpsichord or writing his poetry anthology.

You write poems?

Some write prose for our minds,

others songs for our hearts.

I happen to write poetry for our souls.

There's your title - Poetry For Arseholes.

Our Souls. Mother, tell him!

Mm!

I know I'm meant to be studying,

but when you're trying to get your head around

being human, it's not easy to focus.

DOOR SQUEAKS

"Whosoever of the royal blood is first betrothed,

"shall be named rightful heir to the throne,

"regardless of age or favour."

HE CHUCKLES

HE COUGHS

VALEETA HUMS

Oh, that looks nice.

What is it?

It's a doll of your Auntie Janet.

Oh, for her birthday?

No, it's a hex doll.

She made some comments about my hair.

Igon's heating up the pins for me now.

Anyway, I just wanted to...

Right through the eye.

See how she likes that.

Sorry. Go on.

Do you think humans...

..worship a...

..chicken god?

This is because of what we spoke about the other night.

I just think that it might help

for me to know more about...

..what I am.

Valentine, I know what it's like to feel like you're an outsider.

At my first formal dance,

I was the only one there wearing a tiara.

WHISPERS: The looks the other girls gave me.

I just have this nagging feeling of needing to know.

But thinking that...

..makes me feel guilty

because you've given me so much.

Both you and Dad.

And it's...it's not that I'm not grateful.

Or that...

You're still thinking about that dance, aren't you?

Oh, it was just the most magical evening.

And those other ladies just had to look on,

green with envy.

But what's most important is how you're feeling.

I know it must have come as a shock,

to have the foundations of your world ripped from under you,

your identity shattered into a billion pieces.

Maybe not a billion, but, yeah.

But pull that thread and everything will unravel.

You know that, don't you?

So let's just keep all of this between you and me.

VIV: Eh, I'm here as well.

Awkward.

You, me and the Invisible Woman.

Oh, so sorry.

I don't know whether to walk away or say something.

It's just like when I was in the bathroom

and the King came in with gastric flu.

Oh, that was a long night.

Phew...

Focus on what you've got here at home, where people love you.

Yes, you might be different,

but giving a safe haven to waifs and strays is what I do.

Hmm. Thanks a lot.

Wilf the werewolf. The ogre.

And me.

When I turned up here at the castle as a frightened teenager,

your mother pledged that forever there'd be a place by her side.

VIV SOBS

And I've never forgotten that.

SHE BLOWS LOUDLY

Did I say forever?

It was implicit, certainly.

Mm.

Everything you need is here at home.

And what would your father say if he knew what you were?

You can't very well go off sneaking around and exploring.

I know you have a bee in your bonnet,

but some things you just...have to let go.

You two, quickly.

Did you see Countess Willa of Luxembourg

fly past with her family yesterday?

We certainly did.

Off to visit her cousin in Crewe.

Well, she'll be returning this evening, and when they fly past

I would like you to tell her father

that I'd like to take her hand in marriage. Got that?

Right. When they fly past,

we'll tell her father

you'd like to take his hand in marriage.

Her hand. We'll tell her hand.

No, you don't tell her hand. You tell her father.

That? I'd like to take her hand in marriage.

I've nearly got it. It's simple. When they fly past,

you tell her father

that I'd like to take her hand in marriage.

Right. When you fly past... When they fly past.

When they fly past, you're going to tell her father

you'd like to take his hand in marriage.

Not me. You.

Oh, thank you, but I don't have a hand.

It's not your hand I'm after, it's hers.

Just a hand, or...

Oh, for pity's sake! It's really not that hard.

When they fly past,

we tell her father...

..that Vernon... Finally!

..would like to shake her hand.

Take her hand!

Why would I want to shake her hand?

Because...she just got married?

She hasn't gotten married.

I'm the one she's going to marry.

Oh, congratulations.

When did you ask her? I haven't asked her.

That's what I'm telling you to do.

That's what this whole conversation is.

What conversation?

Please.

When they fly past...

I'm with you so far.

..you tell her father...

Yes... That you're going to...

That I'd like to. Same thing. No, it's not.

Take her hands in marriage.

Hand. Take her hands in hand.

Take her hand in marriage. No problem.

Leave it in our capable hands.

Oh, sorry hand.

My head might be telling me to think like a vampire,

but my heart has other ideas.

If I'm not a vampire,

I need to know more about what I am.

And I won't find the answers sitting around in a castle.

Short of developing a garlic habit,

venturing out in the daylight is the gravest mistake

a vampire can make.

But for a human like me,

it shouldn't be a problem at all.

Yep...

..easy peasy.

HE PANTS AND GASPS

Do you want to survive?

MUFFLED SCREAMS

I said, do...you...want...to survive?

Then you need a diet rich in fruits and vegetables.

And to stay the hell away from this place.

What was the first one? No time.

Just select the apples you want and skit.

A child, unattended, near a vampire's castle!

Those vampires so much as clap eyes on you,

they will bite your neck like a fresh apricot.

Which, today only, are two quid for a pound.

But I'd do it for 1.50 cos you're buying the apples.

So you need to hurry.

If it's so dangerous, then why are you here?

I'm a grocer. But a shrewd one.

Every few nights the locals come up here

to chuck rotten fruit and veg at our hated overlords.

Thing is, not all of it's rotten.

Some of it's perfectly edible if you scrape off the brown bits.

I mean, look at that carrot.

Mm...

Mm!

HE GAGS SLIGHTLY

That's perfect. I can sell that.

HE COUGHS

Now run, as fast as you can,

and do not look back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't forget your shopping.

It was the apples, apricot and just the carrot

for you, Mr Gizzacolly?

Gizzacolly?

All right, then.

There you go.

Take that.

I do not want to see you round here again.

Except when you bring your dad with the money,

which is for 4.50, but I'll do it for 4 cos I like you.

I do, you're a good laugh!

HE CHUCKLES

Run!

Things seem so different in the daytime.

This is a lot to take in.

A family eating meals off the floor?

Incredibly confident blind people?

Wine connoisseurs?

Ooh. Here.

Ah, let me.

Mm!

Unbelievable!

Oh, Gertie!

It was Val, wasn't it?

Still is.

Not with your pumpkin today?

Oh, nah. Didn't work out.

He was too seedy for me.

Hey, if you're not busy,

I'm, uh...I'm actually having a party later.

Mm. I've got loads of people coming already,

but, I dunno, if you're free.

Is it your birthday?

Halloween.

This has somebody else's name on it.

Mm. When I said I was having a party,

I meant some friends from school are having a party.

Friends with each other, not with me.

They did say I should come.

Or could come.

The flyer says anyone can come. Do you fancy it?

Definitely.

Watch out for that windmill. Will do.

What's a windmill?

Ooh!

THUD

ECHOES: Val? Val?

Val!

Does it hurt if I do this?

Ow! And this?

Ow! Yeah. They're both the same place.

Oh, yeah.

You all right, Val? You got hit by the windmill sail.

No wonder it hurts.

Which would have been fine, but...

..it swept you right the way round

and slammed you against the ground.

Three times.

So that's why it hurts.

Not really, no. Because the third time,

it stopped mid-air and you were stuck,

so we threw bread to try and dislodge you.

But what Dad thought was a loaf...

It was a brick.

And that's what did the damage?

Again, not really.

He knocked you into a tree.

You hit every branch on the way down...

And that's what... ..ended up by the milking shed

and got kicked in the head by Daisy.

Sorry. You startled me.

But we got you a stretcher so we could get you seen to.

Except we forgot about the windmill, so...

Hit me again? Right the way around.

Three times. Until you got stuck and we...

Threw more bread.

Or what we thought was bread.

They look the same. You landed in the tree,

hit the branches, ended up by the milking shed.

Oh, let me guess. You startled me.

The exact same thing again?!

Four times.

Four?! So we gave you some oxygen.

No-one told me that.

HE SIGHS

Oh, John.

Do you want us to call your parents?

No, no, I've got to go.

No, steady, you're concussed. I'm fine.

No, you are staying put and that is the end of it, my love.

We'll have you home by dark, all right?

All right, then.

Sorry about my parents, by the way.

Why? They haven't done anything.

Not yet, but they will.

So pre-apologising.

Pre-apology accepted.

SHE CHUCKLES

What's Val short for?

Is it Valerie? He's a boy!

Boys can have girls' names.

Look at your Uncle Leslie. And your cousin Pat.

Pat's a woman.

You are kidding me! No.

Well, it's so lovely to have one of Gertie's friends around.

She doesn't have very many.

Mum! Well, you don't.

HE SQUEALS

Mmm! Mm!

HE LAUGHS

Is everything all right, Val?

What do you call this?

It's delicious.

It's an onion.

Un-yee-on?

You've got John to thank for this.

Grows all this in his allotment.

We've got onion, carrots, radish, garlic.

Oh, he does a lovely sweet pea.

That's apple juice.

Hmm! Using the wrong components there, son.

I'm using all the right components,

but not necessarily...in the right order.

Fair enough.

I stopped trying to keep up with the trends years ago.

They'll probably start serving burgers without the bun soon!

They already do. Unbelievable.

Oh, here you go.

No blood for me, thanks. Oh.

It's ketchup. Yeah!

Yeah, I know.

Yeah. I just call it blood...

..cos obviously that's what vampires would eat.

And what we never would.

Which is what makes it a joke.

FORCED LAUGHTER

Damn right we never would.

Pass the black pudding, love.

Not after what they've done to this town.

Some folk actually welcomed them.

"Give them a chance," they said.

And now we're cowering here while they treat us like a buffet!

John.

Oh, is that the time?

Better get going.

All right. Well, why don't you take some of this with you?

We've got plenty. Wrap it up and take it home.

Yeah. Mm!

Mm.

Time really flies when you're having un-yee-on.

Hmm!

And whatever this is.

It's just a bit of garlic bread.

HE RETCHES

STRAINED: Garlic?!

HE GARGLES

KNOCKING

Val, your father's waiting for you in the drawing room.

Yeah! Be there in a second!

OWL HOOTS

WILF: Think about it, though.

Since a werewolf changes once a month,

I'm effectively two boyfriends in one.

Albeit one is a... A dog. Wolf! It's a wolf!

Completely different animals.

What is that smell? Well, it's not me.

I went on the lawn earlier, like a good boy.

BOTH SNIFF

Is it garlic?

In a vampire's castle? Couldn't happen.

You know what happens when we come into contact with garlic.

No. What does happen? Well, we don't really talk about that.

It's quite unpleasant.

HE EXHALES AND SNIFFS

Did Countess Willa fly by?

Yep. I asked the question,

and I'm delighted to say

she said yes

HUSHED: You've made me very happy.

We're both delighted.

You and Guy? No. Me and the Countess.

Right... It all happened so fast.

We haven't set a date yet, but it's early days.

Gary...

Did you remember that I was the one that wanted to marry her?

I...

..did not.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

VAL CLEARS THROAT

Ah, Valentine!

I am the sleeping victim.

You shall hunt me.

Are you ready?

Yes.

That's right.

Approach downwind...

SQUEAKING AND CREAKING

Gentle footsteps.

Come at them, feet end first. Good.

Why are you making that infernal squeaking noise?

What infernal squeaking noise?

The vampire's watchwords are speed and stealth.

You are displaying neither of these.

Move faster!

SQUEAKING

Quieter!

CREAKING

Fast!

Quiet!

I don't see why...

What the devil?

Now, I imagine you have questions.

You're damn right I do!

This is fantastic!

Valentine, I am proud of you!

Darling! A feast!

Hurry! Find my elasticated trousers!

What?

PEOPLE SCREAMING

CHEERING

POP MUSIC

GERTIE: Val!

You made it! Gertie!

If you think you see someone wearing a Freddy Krueger mask,

don't say anything.

That's Elliot Davie's gran dropping him off.

So embarrassing.

I don't even know half these people. Must be out-of-towners.

I bet you thought you'd be the only Dracula!

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Gertie,

this needs to stop.

The party. People need to go right now.

Says who? The council?

Yeah. Yeah, the council.

Yeah, th-they were just here. What?

I bet that's my dad phoning about the noise.

Ugh! Yeah!

Well, we should probably start rounding people up.

Absolutely not.

If I end this party, my life is over.

HE GROANS

Maybe...

..you could just go...

..home?

Go home?

You look tired. Sorry to say that,

but you look knackered.

SHE SCOFFS

Not a bad knackered -

a nice knackered! You look nice!

But just quite...drawn...

..with black eye bags.

One there and one...

..there. Heh!

Nothing an early night won't fix.

Elliot! Oh, I'm so sorry about your nan!

If we could just start... I didn't realise

people could get that wrinkly!

I must say... Ah!

I didn't expect to see you here.

What with you...

..being one yourself.

I imagine it's a bit of morbid curiosity.

Like a pig visiting a sausage factory.

Sorry. Do we have to do this here?

There's loads of other villages with loads of other people.

I get it.

Look, it's going to be funny for a little while.

But this is nature's way.

It's the food chain.

Cats eat mice, humans eat cats, vampires eat humans.

Sorry, humans eat...

We're not here to gloat.

I'm sure it's all going to be very respectful.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Something in his throat, I think.

A wonderful gesture, boy, laying on a feast.

I just wondered if it was...worth your while.

Have you noticed that some of the people are looking quite pale?

No, I hadn't noticed.

They look anaemic, to be honest.

Yeah, I'd hate to serve you watery blood.

I actually quite like watery blood.

It's like a meal and a drink all in one.

Yeah. You know,

I have heard there's a little bit of malaria.

Oh... Oh!

I love malaria!

Oh-ho! Num-num-num!

Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

Me too.

That's the thing about us vampires, son.

There's precious little we won't eat.

ECHOES: Grows all this in his allotment.

It's got onion, carrot, garlic... Garlic...

WIND WHISTLES

HE GASPS

Whew!

Come on, Val, come on.

HE RETCHES

Ugh...

Ugh.

HE HISSES

WHEEZES: Hi!

H-H-H-Happy

H-H-H-Halloween!

VICTOR COUGHS

I don't feel so good.

HE GULPS

I feel ill. Valeeta!

H-H-How's it h-h-h-hanging?

HE RETCHES

Look away! The pain! Vampire!

SCREAMING

The pain is insane!

Calm down! People are looking at you.

Vampire!

Help me!

Wasn't really my scene anyway.

Are you meant to be a vampire?

Meant to be.

Carrie. I mean, I'll give it a go.

No, the film Carrie!

Stephen King? All she wants is a nice party.

Ends up covered in blood.

Imagine that. Hmm, yeah!

Imagine!

According to The Vampire's Handbook,

a garlic reaction will subside within two to four nights.

HE GROANS

But my issue's going to take longer.

How to think like a vampire when I feel like a human.

Should we focus on our minds, on our hearts...

..or on arseholes?

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