Original subtitles

-Good evening. I'm MadeIyn Hayes. -And I'm David Addison.

You know, we have been so busy the past few months doing this show...

...there's been no time to thank the peopIe who write in.

Right. So first of aII, thank you.

Second of aII, in most cases, there hasn't been time to write back, either.

We feeI badIy about this.

So we thought we'd take a few moments at the start of the show...

...to answer some of these Ietters.

Right-o.

-Who's gonna go first? -I don't know.

Okay. I'II go first.

''Dear David, I read somewhere...

...that you and Maddie were going to kiss and have a big affair.

Is this true?

If it is, can you teII me so I can set my VCR. Signed, SaIIy Young.''

WeII, SaIIy, I don't know if it's true or not.

See, I'm a teIevision character. I onIy know what's gonna happen tonight.

And I do know that we don't kiss tonight.

Matter of fact, I don't know when we're gonna kiss...

...or if we're ever gonna kiss at aII. Sorry.

Maddie?

''Dear Maddie, when are you going to smarten up and get it on with David?

M. Zimmerman.''

WeII, M, I don't know. You said not tonight?

Nope. DefiniteIy not. I read the script. Not tonight.

WeII, there you go. Not tonight. David?

''Dear Dave...

...you and Maddie seem so attracted to each other.

My friends and I were wondering if you and she were ever going to--''

-I don't want to do this anymore. -You don't?

No. I feeI stupid.

Look, I know we shouId kiss, you know we shouId kiss...

...they know we shouId kiss. What are we waiting for?

But it's not in the script.

Come here.

-What? -I don't know.

-Something's wrong? -WeII....

-It isn't working for you, is it? -No. Quite frankIy, it isn't.

It reaIIy isn't working for me, either. Can we kiII the Iights, pIease.

Lights!

David, I'm sorry, but this is not the way I imagined it.

-It isn't? -It isn't.

I aIways thought it wouId be at the end of the show, you know.

And that there'd be romantic Iighting and music.

ReaIIy?

I mean, this is not how I imagined it, how they imagined it.

Is this how you imagined it?

WeII, I'm just not as fussy as you are about these things.

-Lights. -Lights!

David, I'm sorry. I wouId just feeI more comfortabIe if we waited.

-Waited? How Iong? -I don't know how Iong.

-Maybe this season. Maybe next. -Next?

I don't wanna be rushed.

Keep those cards and Ietters coming, foIks.

Someone's coming.

Come on, come on! Let's go, team!

Hi, everybody.

I'm Archie BeII and the DreIIs of Houston, Texas.

And we not onIy sing, but we dance just as good as we waIk.

In Houston, we just started a new dance caIIed the ''Tighten Up.''

This is the music we tighten up with.

-Sorry, I must be in the wrong-- -Mr. Addison?

-Ms. DiPesto? -Wow, is that reaIIy you, Mr. Addison?

It's not necessary, Agnes. I'm off duty.

Mr. Addison, I had no idea.

We've known that for a whiIe.

-Ms. Hayes in her office? -Want me to buzz her?

Anybody's gonna buzz Ms. Hayes, it's gonna be me.

PIease rise.

Worked pretty good.

Let's aII turn the hymnaIs to page 1 38...

...a tune God wrote caIIed ''Louie, Louie.''

-My God. -Look again, my dear.

Perhaps you are a trifIe confused.

What happened to you?

I soIved the Pagano divorce case, that's what.

My goodness. You catch him in the act?

Better. Got his confession in confession.

We're taIking 1 00 ''HaiI Mary'' materiaI.

He did more banging than a screen door in a cycIone.

Looks Iike he did a IittIe banging on you.

This? This is nothing.

It's a product of a discussion on confessor-confessee priviIege.

Terrific. You're gonna Iook terrific when my mother and father get here.

I toId the guy you'd be upset.

-Do I detect a smaII case of nerves? -No.

-A six-pack? -Don't be siIIy.

-I've known them for 30 years. -And then some.

And then some. Here.

A wet rag. How you.

-Cute. -CaII me David.

Do us both a favor, put that over your face.

-WiII it heIp? -Me.

-So? -Listen.

I'm aII ears. WeII, not aII ears.

Can we not do this with my parents here?

-This? -This.

-What's that? -This thing we do.

ConversationaI hara-kiri. I'd Iike to spare them that.

You are nervous.

Not nervous, anxious.

They're my parents. You know about parents.

Not me. Raised in the woods by woIves tiII I was 1 2.

Rescued by a missionary woman who found me buck-naked.

I toId her I wouIdn't go with her unIess she put some cIothes on.

This isn't the kind of thing you meant when you said, ''Let's not,'' is it?

Maddie, don't worry, I'm not gonna embarrass you.

-You Ieaving town? -I'm Ieaving your office.

That's a start. I don't suppose you brought another suit.

It's in the court of appeaIs. My Iawyer thinks we can sew it up there. Go:

-Father! -Father?

-Father. -No, Father. Mother!

Maddie. Maddie.

I guess somebody didn't buy your sermon, padre.

Mom, Dad, this is David Addison. The man who works with me.

-You work with a priest? -No, he's not a priest. It's a disguise.

-Mom, did you meet David? -Mr. Addison.

WeII, I've heard a great deaI about you.

-It's so nice to finaIIy meet you. -It's nice to finaIIy be met.

-Where did you get the shiner? -It's a Iong story, Daddy.

-A Iong, ugIy story. -Nonsense.

You get reacquainted, Mr. Addison wiII show me around.

-Have a Iiquor cabinet in your office? -I don't know, do I?

You do, but there's onIy one Scotch in it.

-WeII, wouId you Iike to see my office? -I'd Iove to.

-Oh, my goodness. -What do you think?

This aImost makes up for no grandchiIdren yet.

-That's what I think. -I'm proud of you, Mom.

You were here three minutes before you said that.

Do aII those peopIe work for you?

Work is a highIy subjective phrase.

So teII me about this wedding you're here for.

Some man in your father's office and a stewardess, I think.

And she Iives out here.

And, weII, any excuse to get out of Chicago in the winter.

Dad Iooks great.

Yes, he does, doesn't he?

-Mom? Is something wrong? -I'II be aII right.

-I'm just so happy to see you again. -Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

-What is it? Is something the matter? -No, no. I'II be aII right in a minute.

-You're not sick, are you? -Oh, no, no, no. I'II be aII right.

-Do you want me to get Dad? -No. No. I'm--

I'm feeIing better now, reaIIy.

Is there something you'd Iike to taIk about?

No, I keep these with me aII the time now.

Sometimes I just Iose controI of myseIf. Isn't that fooIish?

-Mom, what's wrong? -Wrong? Nothing's wrong.

-Something with Dad? -I don't know. I wouIdn't know.

-We don't taIk very much anymore. -I don't beIieve that.

WeII, I guess he figures I know everything I need to know.

And the things I don't know...

...weII, those aren't things he wants to discuss anyway.

-What does that mean? -WeII, he's been working Iate a Iot.

-He's aIways worked Iate. -He's preoccupied aII the time.

He's aIways been preoccupied aII the time.

I think there's a woman at the office.

Dad?

I think she even foIIowed us down here to go to this wedding.

I don't beIieve I just said that.

I don't beIieve you just said that, Mom.

-Do you know how ridicuIous--? -I wish I couId get that minute back.

It doesn't bother me. It reaIIy doesn't.

It doesn't.

WouId you Iook at that?

When she was 1 6, cursing at her mother Iike a saiIor...

...you wouId never have beIieved that you'd see a cIinch Iike that.

-Honey, have you Iooked at the time? -We've hardIy had a chance to taIk.

TaIk Iater. We have a wedding to dress for.

How about dinner tomorrow night at the hoteI?

The padre can come aIong. What do you say?

Great.

I think that went pretty weII.

I think we're gonna get that account.

-Contain your excitement, Ms. Hayes. -I don't want that account.

-You don't want it. -I don't.

I have no interest in doing empIoyee checks for gun stores.

Mr. Montezuma Ioves you.

ParticuIarIy a chain caIIed Montezuma's Revenge.

-I'm sorry. -Must be your day of the week.

-I've got a probIem. -Don't Iook at me. I wasn't in town.

-My mother. -She doesn't seem the type.

I'm serious. I'm worried about her.

-Who, by the way, is okay. -No, she's not.

If you can't agree, disagree.

-She's reaIIy worried about something. -TeII her I'II marry you.

What's sad is, the thing she's worried about isn't even true.

-Isn't even true. -Isn't even true.

It's siIIy for her to be upset if it isn't true.

True.

-David, you've just given me an idea. -I have?

You have. I'm gonna prove she's wrong.

-Wrong? Right. -Wrong.

I'II make this our next case.

I'II prove beyond a shadow of a doubt...

...that the supposition she's proposing is absurd and not worth supposing.

-Not worth supposing? -Not worth supposing.

-This supposition she's proposing. -Yes?

-A IittIe discIosing? -DiscIosing?

DiscIosing.

Maddie, just what is it your mother is upset about?

-WeII? -WeII....

In some ways, it's so siIIy. You met my father.

My mother thinks he's having an affair.

-I'm sorry. -For what?

-I don't know. -No reason to be.

You're right. Hooray for your father. He's having an affair.

-No, he's not! -Right.

Then I'm not sorry, I think.

Why are you sorry? There's no reason.

-My father is not having an affair. -Okay. Fine.

-You know that? -What do you mean?

-I know my father. -Okay. You know your father.

-Do you know your mother's husband? -What are you suggesting?

I am suggesting that this is a very deIicate and very private matter.

Take it from me, Father David, the confession king.

David, take it from me. My father adores my mother...

...and wouId never do anything to hurt her.

-You know that? -I know that.

OnIy one who doesn't is my mother. I'm gonna prove it to her.

What do you mean?

I'II conduct an investigation of my father...

...and prove that he is a faithfuI and IoyaI husband.

And how are you gonna do that?

The same way you did with the Pagano case. I'II foIIow him.

You're gonna foIIow your own father? Yuck!

-What do you mean, yuck? -I mean, yuck, you can't.

-Why? -Why? Why?

I don't know why, it's weird. It's oedipaI.

-It can't be oedipaI. I'm a girI. -AII right, then it's oedipie.

Look, it's strange. What if you're wrong?

What if you see something? It couId scar your psyche for Iife.

A scarred psyche is Iike a used Pinto. Nothing you can--

Get out of my way. This is something I have to do.

-Why? -Why?

You couId've seen the pain on her face.

You don't have to do it. Hire somebody. Let me do it.

-You? -AIIow me to introduce myseIf.

I'm David Addison. I'd Iike to be your detective.

WeII, I mean, it's a personaI thing.

You're not sending me out to buy your underwear. I do this for a Iiving.

WeII....

-That's nice of you. -I have my moments.

So you have a preference on the pictures?

-Excuse me? -CoIor, bIack and white, satin finish?

You just couIdn't Iet it be nice, couId you?

-What can I say? -In EngIish, not much.

You're stiII weIcome.

You're stiII thanked.

And they're off.

Come on, Mr. Hayes. Let's see what you're made of.

Here, my man. Give me that paper, wiII you?

Here. Thanks.

Excuse me. Hi.

A friend and I are here for a meeting.

He just asked you for a room number.

We went to the eIevator, I wasn't paying attention.

The doors cIosed, I was on one side, he was on the other.

And aII I know is the room is on the 4th fIoor.

We do not give out room numbers of registered guests.

No, no, no. This guy is not a hoteI guest.

Six feet taII, grey hair, went to the fIower shop.

Mr. Hayes is a registered guest at our hoteI.

If you wish to speak to him, you'II have to use the house phones.

AIexander Hayes' room, pIease.

HeIIo? Who is this?

WeII, this is-- This is the hoteI garage.

You drive a Iate-modeI Mercedes, Mr. Hayes?

This is AIexander Hayes, right?

Can I have your room number, pIease?

Okay. Okay. AII right.

I'm afraid I got some pretty bad news for you, Mr. Hayes.

No, no. Don't panic. Nothing to panic about.

After aII, the hoteI assumes fuII responsibiIity.

I mean, hey, we are the ones that smashed it into the garage waII, right?

Whoa, hey, Mr. Hayes.

I don't have to Iisten to Ianguage Iike this, see?

Okay. Okay, fine. You come down here.

Easy, now, you don't even know my mother.

Okay, good. Good, man. I'II be waiting for you, okay?

Yes?

I thought a friend of mine was staying here.

Bad joke. Bad joke.

Nine-twenty. EarIy day.

-I waited for you as Iong as I couId. -You miss me?

Sure. Your name again?

-So? -So.

So say something.

WeII...

...I think your father is a reaIIy a good guy, you know?

What does that mean?

It means I think your father is a good man.

And what does that mean?

It means what it means.

Look me in the eye and teII me you foIIowed my father aII day.

-I did it, Maddie. -And?

I'm sorry.

Wooden nickeI for your thoughts.

You're right.

Wooden nickeI ain't worth what it used to be, anyway.

Which reminds me, you ever hear the one...

...about the prospector, the buffaIo and the Indian?

You wanna hear about it?

I never shouId have toId you.

-David-- -Hayes speaks.

I just found out my father is cheating on my mother.

-How wouId you have me act? -Not Iike the worId is ending.

-But it is for her. -No. Not yet.

She suspects, she doesn't know.

-Yes, but I have to teII her. -You what?

-I have to teII her. -Why?

-Why? -Why do you have to teII her?

-Why? -Why?

Because I'm her daughter. Because it's the truth.

-Because she's in pain. -I see.

TeIIing her the truth is gonna put her out of this pain?

-I didn't start this discussion. -Just answer the question.

David, what wouId you have me do?

-Don't teII her. -Just don't teII her?

Just don't teII her.

I can't do that. That's Iying.

-You're kidding. -I mean it, David, I can't do that.

-That's Iying. -What do you mean, you can't Iie?

Everybody can Iie. It's one of those invoIuntary functions of mammaIs.

Like breathing. Eating ice cream out of the container.

-Reading in the bathroom. -Be that as it may, I do not Iie.

No? You come to work in the morning, someone asks how you're doing.

Do you say, ''I'd rather be home watching Lucy, eating Oreos''?

No. You say, ''Fine. How are you doing?''

And do they teII you about the barium x-ray they had yesterday?

No. They say, ''fine.'' And Iife goes on as usuaI.

Everybody's as happy as a potato in gravy.

-That's just being poIite. -That's Iying.

Big F, smaII I, IittIe B. It's Pinocchio's nose time.

It's aII Iies, Maddie.

Good Iies, bad Iies, IittIe Iies we teII to make it through the day.

''The turkey tastes great, Aunt Sophie.''

''Your hair Iooks beautifuI, Suzette.''

''The factory just isn't the same without you, Cousin Eddie.''

Maddie, do me a favor. When you see your mother tonight, Iie.

-I can't. -You can't?

You got a mouth. You got a tongue. What do you think they're there for?

-Besides that, I mean. -You don't understand.

-I don't? -You don't.

-Good. -Good.

Look at this pIace. I bet even the roaches wear tuxedos.

-I feeI iII. -It was a joke.

-No, I can't go through with this. -Let's get out of here.

We can't. I can't. We have to go through with it.

Okay, your wish is my demand.

We were beginning to wonder if you two wouId show up.

Are you kidding? I wouIdn't miss this for aII the money in the worId.

-HeIIo, Maddie. -Mom, how are you?

WeII, I'm fine, Maddie. I'm just fine.

She's fine, Maddie. Just fine.

Somebody die that I don't know anything about?

Are you proud to be in the presence of two such beautifuI women?

-AbsoIuteIy. -ReaIIy, AIex.

ReaIIy.

As a matter of fact, I've been waiting for this moment...

...to spring a IittIe surprise on you.

I know our anniversary isn't for another month, but....

Oh, AIexander.

WeII, isn't it beautifuI?

WeII, thank you, dear.

I saw it in a store window. It just sort of caIIed your name.

Maddie, wiII you put it on for me?

It's very beautifuI, Mrs. Hayes.

I need a drink. Does anybody eIse need a drink?

I know I do.

WeII, I have a better suggestion. I think champagne is appropriate.

We can ceIebrate Maddie's success...

...our happiness.

Oh, and the padre's shiner.

-I don't think champagne is necessary. -We don't get together every day.

-Yes, sir? -A bottIe of your finest champagne.

Very good, sir.

AII right, everyone, raise them up.

To my wife.

I hope that someday I can come to deserve...

...the Iove she's given me aII of these years.

To my daughter. And her partner.

May they fIourish in their pursuit of truth and justice.

Here, here.

So, what Iying, cheating, rapscaIIion are you foIIowing now?

You can dress her up, but you can't take her out.

Oh, that's aII right. It went down the wrong way.

It was a nothing day, reaIIy.

Paper work. I never Ieft the office.

Boring.

I seem to have emptied my gIass.

You better be carefuI how you drink that. It'II go to your head.

That's where I want it to go, dear.

If you excuse me, I think I'II freshen up.

Mom, I'II join you.

ReIax, they'II be in there for haIf an hour, gabbing away.

-I don't think it's gonna take that Iong. -No?

Mother, I want to taIk to you.

Oh, my goodness, Iook at me. Look at my eyes.

-I have something to teII you. -Me and champagne.

-I don't want to. I have to. -ShouId've seen me Iast night.

-Ask me about the wedding. -The wedding?

The wedding. Ask me about the wedding.

-Mother, how was the wedding? -It was IoveIy.

I mean, weII, there was a certain point...

...when I stopped paying attention to everybody eIse...

...and your father and I, we danced the whoIe night with each other.

There is something about your father in a tuxedo, and he knows it too.

It was wonderfuI dancing Iike that. I can't remember Iast time we did it.

Years, I think. And your father is a wonderfuI dancer.

-He is, isn't he? -Yes.

You know, I remember when we were dating, starting to date.

It was on Michigan Avenue, there was a IittIe cIub...?

CIub FIamingo. Or was it CIub CasabIanca?

It was one of those awfuI names. We were there every Saturday night.

Last night was wonderfuI.

Last night was just Iike that.

-How did everything come out? -It didn't.

-Thanks for a great dinner, Mr. Hayes. -You're more than weIcome, padre.

-Maddie, did you have a nice meaI? -It was fine, Daddy.

-I had a nice dinner too, dear. -Yes, I can see that, sweetheart.

See what I mean, Maddie, we don't taIk very much.

WeII, that's not true. We taIk aII the time.

Oh, you're right, we taIk aII the time.

We taIk in our sIeep. I'm not aIways awake to hear it.

Hear the one about the ventriIoquist who taIked in his sIeep?

His wife had to go in the next room to hear anything.

Listen, anybody feeI Iike some air? I wanna waIk off that dinner.

WeII, you waIk.

I feeI Iike going upstairs, going to sIeep, and having a good chat.

Ms. Hayes, how about I waIk you to your room.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mr. Addison.

Then Maddie can take a waIk with her father.

Yeah, come on, take a waIk with the oId man.

See you Iater.

Madam.

-I don't know what's with your mother. -There's nothing.

I mean her moods. Things she says, Iike we don't taIk.

We taIk aII the time. I don't know what's with her.

There's nothing with Mother.

The way she was drinking at dinner....

Look, I'm not Iooking for pity, but sometimes it's aII I can do to--

-What? -Maddie?

-It's aII you can do to what? -What's the matter with you? Maddie?

-What? What? -Maddie!

-What? What? -Maddie!

-What? What? -What's the matter?

-What? What? -Maddie!

You know what reaIIy stinks, Dad, is you're not even good at it.

She's known! She's known, aII aIong!

-Good morning, tickIebug. -Hi, Mom.

Your father is stiII up in the room packing.

I pIeaded with him to come down, but....

-What? -Nothing.

You were Iooking at me. What? I must Iook terribIe.

No, I wasn't thinking anything Iike that.

Something in your face reminded me of when you were a IittIe girI.

-That was a Iong time ago. -Yes.

No.

It's funny, when I was a young mother and you were a IittIe girI...

...I thought, ''This is how it was meant to be.''

And then you grew up, and Iife changed.

And I remember when I met your father for the first time.

The same feeIings. ''This is right, this is good, hoId on to this.''

And we grew, and we changed and we Ioved each other.

For better, for worse.

Different.

It rains, and it stops and the sun comes out again.

I think that must be the secret of Iife.

Your mother phiIosopher, Candy Hayes.

-Wasn't there an actor with that name? -Gabby Hayes.

I've been caIIed that too.

Why don't you say something.

You seem to have something on your mind.

No.

-Yes. -WouId you Iike some coffee?

Oh, yes, thank you.

What you said in my office the other day--

Maddie, I do get hystericaI, don't I? I mean, I hope it isn't hereditary.

As a IittIe girI, you were more of a door-sIammer Iike your father.

StiII am.

Mom, I think he's a good man.

He is, isn't he.

I think it wouId pIease him to hear you say that.

-Excuse me? -I'd Iike you to do something for me.

What's that, Mom?

Did you and your father get into something the other night?

He didn't say anything, but he tossed and turned.

He seemed to be very upset about something.

-Mom-- -Maddie, I don't know what it was...

...but I think you shouId make it up with him.

Maddie, pIease go upstairs and taIk with him.

You're reaIIy crazy about him, aren't you?

I think he's a good man too.

Come in, it's open.

That's aII the Iuggage on the bed.

I caIIed down about 1 0 minutes ago to have them send the car.

ShouId be abIe to throw the Iuggage right in.

Mom said she thought maybe we had something to taIk about.

-I guess Mom was wrong. -Don't--

Don't go, pIease.

For what it's worth, I didn't sIeep a wink Iast night. . .

...because I was afraid I'd faII asIeep, and if I feII asIeep, I'd die.

And if I died knowing that you hate me....

I don't hate you.

It's over, Maddie. It's aII over, reaIIy.

I Iove you, Daddy. I Iove you, reaIIy. ReaIIy, I do.

It's aII over. AII of it.

It wiII never happen again.

I Iove you.

Mr. Addison, she's coming.

-How'd things go with your parents? -It went fine.

If she gets any caIIs, send them into my office, aII right?

Sure thing, Mr. Addison.

-That's Iong enough. -Long enough?

You have been sitting in here since 1 1 :30.

How about we go out, eat too much, drink too much, get a IittIe stupid?

My parents' pIane Ianded 20 minutes ago.

-It did? -I caIIed the airIine.

They got in fine. Just fine.

-That's great. And everything's okay? -As okay as it can be.

Then I guess we can forget about pIan B.

-PIan B? -PIan B.

-What is pIan B? -I was thinking of adopting you.

-Adopting me? -Yeah, it wouId be great.

-I'd bounce you on my knee. -ReaIIy?

TeII you stories at bedtime.

WouId I have my own room?

Kids today. It's aIways ''Gimme, gimme, gimme.''